Thursday, January 10, 2013

Retrofit This: Take Your Ball And Go Home

You know how it is.  You're sitting in Dunkin' Donuts, working on a bagel with the size and consistency of a jogging stoller tire.  Then, next thing you know, there's an actual car tire on your face:

If you're wondering why some New Yorkers get so upset about cyclists when drivers regularly plow into retail establishments, the answer is that they're fucking idiots--which, as it happens, is the same reason people eat the bagels at Dunkin' Donuts.

Meanwhile, in the ongoing effort to coddle you until the police fail to charge the driver who runs you over, the New York City Department of Transportation is turning 12,000 obsolete parking meters into bike racks:

This retrofit merely legitimizes the way people have already been using parking meters for decades, which is why the city will also transform its over 11,000 public telephones into urinals.  Most cyclists are pleased about the additional bike parking these new racks will offer--with the notable exception of David Byrne, who declared the program "Bullshit," adding that, "for $2 million I could have designed 12,000 racks that would be far more useless."  Given his recent work at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, it's hard not to believe him:


With 12,000 characters to work with, Byrne could have written a novella in inconvenient bike racks.

Also in New York City cycling news, the dream of a Brooklyn velodrome is officially dead:


Because Brooklyn is now too expensive even for gazillionaire philanthropists:

“You can’t build a facility of this nature, at this site, at this budget,” said Greg J. Brooks, the executive director of N.Y.C. Fieldhouse, the nonprofit group behind the project. “We’re very excited and eager to find a new home for this recreation center and velodrome. The funding remains intact.”

Not that anybody wanted it in the first place:

Some Brooklyn Heights residents who live near the proposed site, at Furman Street near Pier 5, had objected to the size of the building and its potential effect on traffic and parking. Others chafed at the notion that a millionaire could, with a large donation, impose an obscure sport on a city park.

I agree with them on the "obscure sport" part, and certainly any recreational facility should serve the activities and interests of area residents.  That's why I'm pleased to announce my gift to the city of a new state-of-the-art Wankotorium in Brooklyn Bridge Park, where the people of gentrified Brooklyn can engage in their favorite pastime of "foffing off" over themselves.  Each seat in the Wankotorium will feature a lubrication dispenser, a high-definition LED screen that allows the wanker to gaze lovingly upon himself, and full Internet connectivity for sharing details about the wank across social networking sites.  This should provide an attractive alternative to the currently favored onanistic practice of Brooklynites, which is furtively pleasuring themselves in the bathrooms of new condo developments during open houses.  (It's a rare gentrifier that can gaze upon a state-of-the-art open plan kitchen without experiencing the need for immediate release.)

On-site bike parking at the Brooklyn Wankotorium will of course be designed by David Byrne.

Speaking of bad taste, it's hard not to think "That's the way the ball bounces" as you read about this zorb ride gone horribly awry, as forwarded by a reader:

Sometimes in life the unthinkable happens.  Other times, someone dies after bouncing around on top of a mountain inside of a giant hamster ball.  In any case, this is the biggest large orb-related tragedy since the Flaming Lips guy got stuffed into a hairy vagina ball:


By the way, that video was filmed in Portland, and it remains the definitive document of the local ethos:



Even the naked mass riots in Portland are polite, boring, and racially homogenous.

Of course, dreamy music videos with bikes in them aren't restricted to Portland--even though they should be:



Needs more hairy vagina balls.  And maybe a concerned Scottish guy with a camouflage beard:


Brunette girl with bike bleeding morning of NYE - m4w - 28 (SoHo)
Date: 2013-01-10, 7:14AM EST

You were standing on the corner of Mulberry and Prince with blood running down your knee just above your black stockings and I couldn't help but notice all the blood on your upper thigh as you lifted the edge of your shorts to look at your wound. You caught me starring at you and looked up with the cutest smile I've seen in a while you said sorry and moved closer to the edge of the sidewalk. I asked you what happened and all you said was " I got hit by a truck on Canal street." and laughed like you were happy about it. All I could manage was "You poor thing" as you just smiled and laughed a little and said "Sick jacket." You were on my mind that whole day and I know this is weird but I've been thinking of you and i'm pretty sure I saw you on the damn bike in the city the other day you were cutting through 17th wearing some shorts a black sweater and a denim jacket. Before I could attempt to say something you glanced over at me then took off and turned down on 8th ave. I've never written one of these before and i know you'll more than likely will never see this. but Id like to see you and that amazing smile again. If this is that girl let me know the color of your bike bag and the color of the beanie you were wearing the day you were hit. 

-Scottish guy with the sb camo jacket and beard 

Your beard should always match your jacket.



124 comments:

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

early post.

Anonymous said...

holla!

dcdouglas said...

Podium?

Comment deleted said...

A little early for all the exposed Johnsons! I was eating, man.

mikeweb said...

rcp FTW!,,

Anonymous said...

What time it is?

Comment deleted said...

Of course, I'm being a little hypocritical -- what's good for the gander is good for the goose, after all.

Hairy Portland schwantzes don't go well with my Dunkin Donuts Eggs Hollandaise, is all I'm saying.

agentdetroit said...

top ten, bitches!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sweet! If they built that velodrome in Cleveland I'd buy a tarck bike to ride in circles on it.

It would add a nice counterbalance to Ray' Mountain Bike Park already in the area.

Anonymous said...

Tenth?

hey nonny mouse

J. Edgar Dyson said...

Snobbie,

Early rise.

You on the meth dude?

J said...

J in top 20 today! Take that foldie haters!

Hey, I was on Mulberry and Prince and witnessed the scott camo guy wimping out at the sight of bleeding offbeat bike babe! I was the brown guy on a purple folder, contact me!

Anonymous said...

Camo Beard should have just gotten to the damn point and ask her if she wanted something else running down her inner thigh.....

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Giant hairy vagina ball. Awesome! this post just keeps getting better.

mikeweb said...

Over the years my beard is slowly changing from desert camo to winter camo.

My slick jacket, however, is made of facial hair.

Anonymous said...

AYHKMHVB!

Anonymous said...

Does that bike rack say "Pink Canoe"? I want to put my 29er in the pink canoe.

Grammar Nazi said...

"...which is furtively themselves..."

should be:

"which is furtively wanking themselves...?"

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...was that like a lotta people trying to choke each other with their pubic hair ???...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

BIKE RACK
BULL SHIT
WANK GAZE
ZORB RIDE
SCOT TISH

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Damn bgw you're up early!

Anonymous said...

Got fooled by an early post.

cycle

bikesgonewild said...

...HADD APEE...

...GOOD NITE...

crosspalms said...

America runs over Dunkin

Big Charlie said...

I clicked on the link about the donuts but couldn't get past "Carmelo Anthony "Lost Cool" When Kevin Garnett Said His Wife "Tastes Like Honey Nut Cheerios"

link

babble on said...

Am I in a different time zone? Sup, Snobbums? Couldn't sleep last night?

Anonymous said...

Friggin beards...bunch of damn fakerjacks.

-angry dragon

mikeweb said...

crosspalms, I might have to steal - um, I mean borrow that one.

leroy said...

You know, I always wondered why the realtors at fancy Brooklyn condo open houses served chicken satay on quick release skewers.

Golly, the stuff you learn on the interwebs.

JB said...

Who gets a bagel at Dunkin Donuts? Can you get a hamburger at Nobu, too?

Gaffer Smythe said...

@RCT...uh there's already a velodrome in Cleveland. Seriously.

Marcel Da Chump said...

The Wankotorium: if you build it, they will cum.

babble on said...

ohmygod

I. Love. You.

A wankatorium!! Hip Hip HOOOOOOORAY!!

Confused foreigner said...

Wait, is there a difference between a bagel and a doughnut?

Herschel Raney said...

Can I chopper my hamster ball into the Alps? (I am the first in the human race to type that sentence I believe.)

Who even eats Donuts at Dunkin Donuts. Already a daredevil without automotive projectiles. Like picking up some strip mall sushi.

Danger, Will Robinson.

babble on said...

Must have been some kind of fun in that hairy vagina ball. Thanks for all the naked, doll.

Frilly said...

Gosh. The hamster ball--how sleep deprived or hungover does one have to be to think its a good idea to take a ride in that thing? And that Portland video, f'real? WTF is in the water out there?!? And for lob's sake whatever ya do, don't let 'em put an orange wristband on you. Seriously!

3G said...

Is that true that they're busting people masturbating during open houses? That's pretty awesome, if so.

RB1 said...

i realise its not quite hairy vagina balls, but its up there, and the music is much better.

http://youtu.be/DvAA36bbr4Q

Buffalo Bill said...

My cousin from Okotoks knits camo stuff. She could do a beard easy. For all I know, she already has.

JB said...

My kids did the hamster ball thing. In a pool of water (i.e., on a level surface). #darwinawards

The King of Park Slope said...

"Your beard should always match your jacket."

Once again, stating the obvious.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@Gaffer -Thanks for setting me straight.

Cleveland Velodrome

I'm not much into sports where the competitors go around in circles.

Wow Ohio's alright. You can buy a nice house for what a new car costs and a velodrome even.

streepo said...

scranus

Aerononymous said...

Jacket is to beard as:

A. Roast Beef is to Curtains
B. Carpet is to Drapes
C. Beard is to Oyster
D. Little man is to Pink Canoe

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Cheers, RB1 - that face on the heartless bastards video has lovely breasts.

What a beautiful day. Lots of bits and bobs all over the place.

Happy Babbles.

Anonymous said...

Foreigner dude

Donuts are sweet, soft and fall apart when you fuck them.
Bagels are stiff, rubbery and rip your dick up when you fuck them.

It's like comparing a Kansas girl to a Jewish princess.

babble on said...

hmm... can't decide between carpet and drapes or little man and pink canoe... what to do what to do...

Anonymous said...

You write well when you're possessed by righteous fury.

Wankatorium indeed.

Not all boroughs deserve a Wankatorium but give it time, give it time...

Cipo said...

what do you get after having successive coupling sessions with four podia girls?


vagina balls

Pie ala Mood said...

Clicked on the vid just after getting a slice of cold pizza, covered in black olives, out of the frig. Stared at the vid, stared at the pie. Suddenly realized that my appetite for pie had declined and my appetite for pie had increased.

Flux capacitor said...

If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious shit...

Anonymous said...

babble on said...

hmm... can't decide between carpet and drapes or little man and pink canoe... what to do what to do...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will happily kneel before your pink canoe while you're considering it.

grog said...

You won't need a wankotorium when you have this new product based on the Woody Allen Orgasmatron. It's a portable mini-gasmatron which fits in your jersey pocket or bike bag. Guaranteed satisfaction.
BABE LOVE

BIZARRO ZOD said...

JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND!

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD. Hi Bizarro.

Wayne Coyne said...

ScranusNipple

House of Pain said...

Jump around and get down!

Rollie Fingers said...

You would think a video full of naked people would be awesome, or at least watchable.

Anonymous said...

Jump around! Because we're white and can't actually dance! Jump around!

Jed said...

Made me laugh!

Anonymous said...

Normally a video of lovely nude bottoms would be artistically pleasing, but I wonder what the E coli count is on the saddles of nude riders? These same people have pushed for the right to live perfectly normal naked lives (as in San Francisco) sharing restaurant and bus seats with unenlightened clothed persons. To put it another way, how many days in a row would a reasonably responsible bike rider wear the same bike shorts? Think skid marks. Get the picture?

Jed said...

Converting phone booths into urinals...genius! Put some one way glass on those booths, now you've got a personal, public wankatorium/urinal.

The Blazing Labia said...

STD = Saddle Transmitted Disease



ewww.

Anonymous said...

You guys be careful kneeling before Frilly lest you end up with a whole passle of melon smited about thy head and shoulders.

P. Bateman said...

hey Daddy SnobBucks, if you are looking to give a gift, this lady is looking for something for her 15 kids:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBqjZ0KZCa0

by the way, i do enjoy a double chocolate doughnut from DD occasionally. in fact, i can bring a few to the grand opening of the Wankotorium to share if you'd like. nothing like rubbing it gently while having some snack.

Anonymous said...

Hello WRM, Wasn't surprised to see that the bikeen banjo chick lives in San Luis Obispo. That explains "the dreamy music video with bikes" coming from someplace other than Portland. SLO is probably more smug than Brooklyn or, even, Portland. They got tabbed as the "happiest place in the nation" a while ago, and the thing is, they believe it. Tried to recommend you visit SLO on a BRA last year, but couldn't get the post to post. Maybe this one will. By the way, Flanders Bicycles in SLO (featured in Banjo Chick's video) is a really small but cool bike shop. Dodger Tom

JB said...

Tommy Lasorda checking in!
I hate Tommy Lasorda.

Anonymous said...

No velodrome now? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this skinsuit now.

Anagram Man said...

"Joyful zorb ride turns deadly" is not a good description of something where somebody died for fucks sake! What's joyful about that? It must be an anagram code:

"I BE A DRY ROLL - DEFT JURY SOUNDZ?"

Anagram Man said...

p.s go fuck yourself with your "cheap Dre beats" you twonk

ce said...

Marcel 11:40, pure distilled wisecrackery right there.

ce said...

Marcel 11:40, pure distilled wisecrackery right there.

Anonymous said...

I remember a story about a bus driver who had a heart attack, ran off the road and killed or wounded some of his passengers. What an inconsiderate asshole.

Anonymous said...

What ever happened to trusting one's insticts to avoid dangerous situations such as riding inside big rubber balls or living anywhere near New York.

crosspalms said...

For those who need a Wankotorium before Snob's Brooklyn version is finished, the Consumer Electronics Show is under way in Vegas.

Anonymous said...

Beards are fashion accessories, unless they are camoflage for some facial imperfection.

Flyover Bike commuter said...

Years ago, a friend asked why I grew a beard.

"Because my fiance suggested it" said I.

My friend said "Why? She's got her own beard" and laughed.

"I'm sure we'd both be happier if it was on my face more often" I said.

That was 21 years ago, and I still stand by that statement. Sadly, we are getting divorced and my beard will have to go it alone, for the time being.

Anonymous said...

Who could mistake a hairy ball for a vagina?

Dr. Sigmund Fried said...

Snobbie!

Say it ain't so ...

Stumping for Bicycling Mag and now whoring it out for DD's ...

I believe that it is time to schedule another electroshock therapeutic veggie vape session.

Say 4:20 Friday?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 5:22, a surprisingly easy mistake to make, seeing as where I have only seen a couple of vaginas in my entire life, and those were all on the internet.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob

Flyover Bike commuter said...

Just watched the video. There is so much wrong with the whole thing.

Anyway, my guess is that the hairy ball has been mis-identified.

It is appears to be, in fact, a clusterfuckatorium.


babble on said...

IIIIIII know, right??

It would be really hard NOT to fit bits into pieces in there.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's not a labia, but a prolapsed rectum.

Marcel Da Chump said...

ce, that line is from the movie "Field of Wet Dreams".

Anonymous said...

Wanktorium, funny. Nudity, great. But the real gem was this: It's a rare gentrifier that can gaze upon a state-of-the-art open plan kitchen without experiencing the need for immediate release.

Not just noteworthy, but also hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

"And throughout the land there will be a great rubbing of parts."

Looks like a lot of that going on in Portland.

Anonymous said...

Babylon way late

babble on said...

It's true, Snobbykins, the kitchen line was brilliant.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Comment number 100

mikeweb said...

@Flyover, 5:18

Sorry to hear that. As someone who's gone through it I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy.

That said, it's almost always for the best.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Marcel, sure there will be batting aplenty in the Wankotorium, but there will be no sign of first, second, third or fourth base.

Anonymous said...

Damn! I'm noticing a lot of freds at the back of this wankatorium ride.

Anonymous said...

Oh, wait. Maybe it's a bunch of wankers at the fred ride.

Anonymous said...

Fred ride, wankodrome, Dunkin Donuts, Portland, Cleveland...ugh! They're all the same.

team spamalot said...

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have a problem with that ?

Christian Loutoutin said...

Someday my spammers will learn how to code, so the commentariat will be whisked off to, say, my Loubi Bike leather and python boots (a steal at $2,095 and Babble On would look great in them). Someday.

Christian Louboutin said...

On the other hand, at least my spammers get my name right...

grog said...

sing the song:
Lovely Spam; Wonderful Spam!
(need more bacon)

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ce said...

I was feeling all "I Am Legend" down here by myself with only the reams of spam for company... until Anon 9:24 and others showed up

And to top it off the reams of spam then get exterminated and the basis for my funny comment is ruined. Well at least that is analogous to the horde of infected getting blown up at the end of the movie and ruining the basis of the original "I Am Legend" book.

Not that I've read the book, but I did read some sci-fi dorks angry comments about the movie and then read the Wikipedia page about the book so I'm somewhat of an authority on the subject.

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babble on said...

Christian - Yes, yes, oh yes! Mmm black leather, studs, high heels, mmmmmm

happy babbles

babble on said...

ce - don't fret yourself. There's always more where those reams came from.

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crosspalms said...

Speaking of fountain pens, what the hell's going on with this bike?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That pen is just practicing his trackstand.

Sgt. Jose FriedDay said...

Apparently His Snobiness is sleeping off Thursdays crank/Pabst Blue Ribbon binge. Posting at like 9 AM is a major giveaway. You shouldn't have moved into that trailer park in the Bronx Snob. Next thing you know you'll be impregnating a blood relative. Not Vito.

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Anonymous said...

They gots singlewides in New York City? Damn.

babble on said...

OOOOOOH Snobbyyyyyyyyooooooooooooodeeeeeeeeeoooooooooh....?

Anonymous said...

LAST POST

Anonymous said...

Did Snobby fall asleep in his fruit loops again?

cycle

Anonymous said...

mabe he knitted himself a cosby sweater.

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hemcoined said...

I will happily kneel before your pink canoe while you're considering it.
Gangway

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