Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Redundancy: Interviewing the Interviewer and Babysitting the Babysitter

Given the relentless revelations and confessions it's difficult to be shocked by any doping-related news these days, but you have to admit that this is a real stunner:


He actually doped in the interview?  This guy's just incorrigible!  Then again, pretty much everyone dopes for their Oprah interviews, so arguably it was a level playing field:


("You're not worth the chair you're jumping on.")

Most incredibly, Armstrong's Oprah interview is already getting more media attention than all three presidential debates combined and it hasn't even aired yet--though this morning Oprah did give an interview about the interview, and everyone else even tangentially involved in cycling has been interviewing each other about it too, as have people with nothing whatsoever to do with cycling, which is to say nothing of the millions of informal interviews conducted with anyone who rides a bike (how many questions from co-workers and relatives have you had to field recently?), and it really makes you wonder if an entire society can actually interview itself to death.  Sure, we may have squeaked through the atomic age with our culture more or less intact, but the information age could very well be our undoing, thanks to the perfect storm of Armstrong, Winfrey, and social networking.

Even Fabian Cancellara is concerned, though I'm not sure exactly what he's concerned about because I don't speak Spartacus:
Well, I do not wonna know how much money Cancellara paid Mario Cipollini to design his website:


(The nudity is tasteful, but you'll have to pay for it.)

Also, the more time people spend obsessing over this Oprah interview the better it is for Cancellara, because it distracts them from his Gruber Assist:



I used to think the "doped bike" thing was funny, but now I totally think he did it.

In any case, at this point there are two important conclusions to draw from all of this.  The first is that cycling is officially the lamest pro sport out there, since even football and baseball manage to muddle through without Oprah having to come in and moderate.  The second is that they should probably remove cycling from the Olympics to make way for a sport with more integrity, like dog racing or cockfighting.  Here's the reigning Olympic road race champion, in case you've forgotten:


But don't worry, because according to all the riders and managers cycling's entering into a new era of transparency starting...now.  No, wait.  Now.

Okay, now.  Hey, I wasn't ready!  Can we do it on three?  One, two, three...all right, totally clean now.

At this rate Oprah will be UCI president by 2020.

Speaking of stuff that's really dirty, we all have different thresholds at which we clean our bikes.  If you're a roadie, you clean it if you've touched it since the last time you've cleaned it.  Or, if you're a lazy slob like me, you don't even consider cleaning it until it looks like this:


At which point you just throw it in the street and attack it with rough brushes "Silkwood"-style:


(Thelma is cooked.)

Then you put the wheels back on and take it for a spin around the neighborhood to dry it out, during which you discover there's one of those coin operated self-service car wash machines right down the street and that you could have blasted all that crud off in like four seconds.

Finally, you grab a fistful of quarters, get naked, and blast yourself clean with the power washer.

Don't act like you've never done it.

Yes, an important part of being a cyclist is feeling special--special because you rode your bike, special because you washed your bike, and special because you blasted your scranus clean in broad daylight on a heavily trafficked roadway.  But you know who feels even more special?  Parents.  Parents feel special because they made their kid, they feel special because they washed their kid, and they feel special because they blasted their kid's scranus clean in broad daylight on a heavily trafficked roadway. And you know who feels even more special than regular parents?  "Artisanal" parents.  Indeed, you may recall that "artisanal fathers" are the new trend in human reproduction.  Well, Artisanal Aaron informs me that these artisanal fathers finally have their own magazine, and it's called "Kindling:"


Which, appropriately enough, is exactly what you should use it for when you roast locally-sourced carob heath S'mores on your next artisanal father-artisanal son camping trip--unless of course you're the sort of person who needs a quarterly journal design exercise to tell you that your life is inseparable from your role as a parent:

Which might be useful information to you if you're also the sort of person who needs to be reminded that chewing is inseparable from swallowing--which the typical "Kindling" reader probably does, since his food was chewed for him and then spat into his mouth from childhood all the way through those six years at Bard.

Oh, there's also wistful pop culture nostalgia that only artisanal fathers are old enough to get:


And of course plenty of people trackstanding while playing the ukulele:


Sure, there won't be any information about basic stuff like how to change a diaper, but I wouldn't be surprised if you find an article about how to knit your own diapers that's written by Stephen Malkmus.

At only $38 dollars for four issues, how could you possibly say yes?  Plus, if you act now, you'll receive this smart male breastfeeding shirt:


("Uh, where's mom?")

Steven Keaton totally would have worn a male breastfeeding shirt had the technology been available at the time.

113 comments:

Anonymous said...

scranus for the win!

RANTWICK said...

Hey hey! I'm here. I'm not spam! I'm an empty comment aimed at an imaginary comment "podium"! Did I win?

Anonymous said...

Podium

Anonymous said...

Here I am, brain the size of a planet......

Anonymous said...

my words: 69 ScraNUs

Anonymous said...

And I AM on Drugs!

Yarpo said...

Podio?

Anonymous said...

ROOO BOTT

DB said...

New guy podiums!
Waiting for Lance to call with apology.

Yarpo said...

Podi-less. Well, 28 jumemsuc to you too!

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW SPAM BECOMES A LAW!

Comment deleted said...

I have nothing to say. I just can't let the captcha "oelepan 420" go by.

Anonymous said...

I used to race in an era of transparency...the year our school team kits had white panels..

BUTT CRAK

streepo said...

scranus
114 oohighan

Anonymous said...

I've been taking PED's my whole career. Oh, and I killed a guy.



Ray Lewis

(probably not Oprah's next interview)

g. said...

PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE ABOUT LANCE....PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE ABOUT LANCE....PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE ABOUT LANCE....

DAMMIT!

babble on said...

Sigh... ok, I'll admit I've done it, too...

doomberg said...

guilty

Anonymous said...

doesnt that sketch sort of look like snob?

Jimboner said...

Wonna eat pussy with Cipo.

P. Bateman said...

damn i rushed here to find i'm barely top 20. guess i'll look at some "alternatives" to enhance performance.

ndhister 7715

that almost says hipster. damn.

wait, i had to do another one:

rcfeet 10950

i wonder if those feet use a clipless system like the great discounts i have on fabulous LOOK SPD pedals and CLIPS very merry bicycle much happy only $19.95

Anonymous said...

What is the point of that fucking stupid shirt? (sighs deeply...)

hey nonny mouse

Marcel Da Chump said...

Interview with a Damn Liar.

Anonymous said...

Why you gotta dis Malkmus?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Shit, turns out that I am actually a replicant.

Who knew?

launchy 106

Yarpo said...

Handlebar-mounted drums are just plain wrong. It's insulting to the drum. Don't even talk about drum machines. Those are for robots!
The 3083 ystsgnow-kind of robots. The ones that can trackstand FOREVER.

Time for some breakfast rum and mulling about Babble's thigh-high boots...

the2002saga said...

BARD GRAD

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice work rantwick!

wishiwasmerckx said...

It depresses me that I cannot trackstand, yet that fey guy can not only trackstand, he can play a one-man band whilst doing so.

aholi 1006

Hey, what did you just call me?

vantage said...

AYHSFTTOTFMB

all you hipsters suckle from the teat of trust fund man boob

90 itheiac

Anonymous said...

Re. "Kindling" and that unspeakably stupid shirt:

"What's going to happen to the children, when there aren't any more grown-ups?" (Noel Coward).

ken e. said...

weird repeating placement

P. Bateman said...

did anyone else just throw up all over their desk/lap/oralsexproviderwhileyoureadblogs-person once they translated that breastfeeding shirt blurb from slovenian to english to realize that some men have indeed "breast" fed babies?

60 eedingra.

that's how many eedingra you need to clean puke off your oralsexprovider after reading about men breastfeeding.

Buffalo Bill said...

There is an art to being a father, so therefore all fathers are artisanal. My pop was a virtuoso with the back of his hand, for example.

420 mbhelia

Vino said...

AYHCSMB*

*All you haters can suck my ballalaika**

**which is at present 'ringing out!'

ge said...

Got interviewed while riding to work this morning:

Armstrong? Yeah, what he did was amazing. I totally don't think the moon landing was staged. What he did was totally legit. He died last summer though. How could he be on Oprah? Is that one of those hologram things like Tupac? And I've never heard him called 'Lance' before.

Can't wait to watch the 6:00 news tonight.

707 emparade

the real Don Cherry said...

Now lissen up all you kids out there.
I just wanna tell ya that if you see ... IF YOU SEE ... your old man comin down the drive with one of them tittie shirts -- now I DON'T CARE what he sez about it --
an' you wanna plough him one upside the head -- that's OK BY ME ... and like that, so anyways like I wuz sayin' ...

crosspalms said...

Oh, THAT kind of doping. Oh, sure, we all did that. I must have misunderstood the question. Well, I'll just fasten the snare to my cockpit and toddle off now. I'm running late for the editorial meeting of my artisanal next-door neighbor magazine.

JB said...

Does it count as a trackstand if you're just leaning on the kickstand? Nevermind. Don't answer. I don't care.

cicadashell said...

dear kindling reader: your child has grown up and moved out of your house. who the fuck are you now?

Anonymous said...

From the looks of your head tube you've been to Vegas recently and won big. congratulations.

The Obsevationist said...

Was that the dad from Family Ties(TM)?

That baby has a big-ass head.

Anonymous said...

I think the purpose of the man boob shirt is to make people laugh. If it's not, then it makes me cry

Aerononymous said...

Homer said it best:

I never thought of fatherhood as something that could affect a kid.

JB said...

13046 ningtud
Eballs 229
ntehingd 412
46 kelyil
takessf 4416
Acehot 21334
olvedsk 73
5495 irstarm
2650 afepur
cloredl [unintelligble]
2235 inkwonm
hepopt [unintelligble]
8960 segorte
ramaDrl 669
41 ithdreni
Hversar 5240

Paul Bowen said...

That shirt...I...what?

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha, Real Don Cherry, that's awesome. Must be read in his voice though... lost on the residents of Canada's underpants probably

nitocis 13051

Anonymous said...

Lance's "confession" is about as shocking as a teenager admitting he masturbates. Everybody does it but if asked are you going to actually admit it, especially when it's your mom who is asking. anyway, i digress...

Lhil Pigget said...

Lance Armstrong NEVER tested positive.

Follows the money chill'un ...

Follow the monies.

Tyler's Chimera said...

Anon 2:19 PM

I could not agree more. What was he supposed to say?

Yes I dope but it is only for medical reasons and not intended to enhance by performance on the machine in any way.

Besides anyone who knows racing realizes that Bruyneel is the puppet master! Follow the money and it will lead you directly to Switzerland.

grog said...

Oprah for President.
Follow the money.
Scranus.

the anonymous commenter behind the real Don Cherry, aka washopp 19 said...

Cheers, Anon aka nitocis 13051,

Agreed. Lost in translation, I know, but someone has to do it (or not).

Mommy never said exporting Canadian High Kulcher south of the border would be easy

"Mama's l'il baby's got kindling, kindling ...
Mama's l'il baby's got kindling "wood"" (cue snigger)

babble on said...

Disturbing but true... papparies have mammaries.

I would rather see Liz in that shirt ANY day.

Anonymous said...

Artisanal fathers who are minimalists.

Anonymous said...

NEED LINK:

LIZH ATCH

3621 gyFest

juan_pelota said...

-Everyone was doing it. Oh, wait. They weren't
-I did it for the other cancer patients. Well, yeah I probably DID give myself cancer from all the doping, but what about the children?
-I'm a great athlete whether I dope or not. Look at at the breadth of my results. Oh wait, podiumed 9 races.
-I'm a good person whether I doped or not. Yeah, well those people deserved the personal attacks, legal threats, being run out of the tiny bike-racing world.
-Watch me go all-Tri geek 8 years from now. I'll be doping then too because that's winning.
-Pay attention to me. Aren't I great?

mikeweb said...

Stephen Keaton worked for public TV and once produced a nature documentary called 'The Egret's Regret'.

True story.

ge said...

JB - Trackstanding on a kickstand and it's not even a ukelele. Probably one of those douchey baroque gee-tars. Still, "kickstanding" on grass has got to count for something.

dnivnn 2702 - no?
retebus 24

Dooth said...

I actually own one of those shirts...not for breast feeding...just like showing off my perfect nipple.

uzenju 8627...what a fucking coincidence! That's my password and pin# !!!

vantage said...

would a swift kick to the pants yabbies of all the young hipsters lead to the extinction of artisanal fathers ?

babble on said...

Yarpo - Breakfast Rum! Of course! My breakfastss have been kind of thin these past few weeks, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was missing.

Thank you.

mikeweb said...

Snob,

I'm surprised at your audacity. You posted a picture on the inner-webs of your Brooks saddle being abused by first being ridden in the mud, then sprayed with water from a hose and then making contact with the bare pavement with no drop cloth or newspaper in sight.

I'm sure Murray can easily find where you live. Don't make the mistake of bringing a rubber chicken to a champhering knife fight.

yankees suck said...

snobby's just upset kindling passed him up as the first issue's centerfold. he got his bike and his scranus all clean for nothing.

actually - poking around it seems like the creators had pretty much the same angst and excitement that all new fathers experience. they just decided - since they were idle williamsburgh hipsters who lack regular contact with anyone older than 40 - to create a rather twee "urban fatherhood lifestyle" rag - I guess in order to make sense of it all. Also because I think their spouses wanted them to stop bugging them about this shit.

Anonymous said...

In the clearing stands a boxer,
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out

Dave said...

CRUSH KILL DESTROY...

aw, the hell with it... the greatest android ever, gone soft and gooey...
my enthusiasm is waning fast.

Agravaine said...

Ha, according to inrng's twitter, Lance may have onion-doped for the interview to help him cry and draw sympathy.

The new captcha's suck, but at least ticketmaster won't be on the other side saying the only available hockey tickets are $250 (forget that).

Anonymous said...

... In his anger and his shame.

Anonymous said...

man boob doping vs. man milk

yogisurf said...

Just trying to get thru security. The post SUCKED! (JK)

leroy said...

My dog told me that everyone in the studio audience for the Armstrong interview got a free car from Oprah.

Except my dog.

He got in-line roller skates.

Boy is he peeved.

"tookJox 20730." Seriously. "tookJox." You can't make this stuff up.

CommieCanuck said...

Next week on Oprah!:
GW Bush admits he had no clue what was going on for eight years.

Francisco Scaramanga said...

I too am a fan of the open breasted shirt. It is excellent for showcasing my superfluous areola.

CommieCanuck said...

Oh, that man boob shirt is BEAUTIFUL..Wow. If you’re a hipster in New York, start getting the boobs out and throw them around the back yard with pops!...

El Pistolero said...

I don´t do drugs. I AM drugs. Moo.

Herve Villechaize said...

Francisco forgot to mention his 'Golden gun'. Dude's a perv.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I could not avert my eyes in time, and saw the pre-interview of interviewer Oprah.

Now, the interview will be in 2-parts, so they can sell MORE adverts and make Oprah even wealthier [not that there's anything wrong with that].

Well, if Lance DOES admit to so-called "doping" [like EVERYONE else in pro cycling] I guess I'll read about it in Snoby's blog. It'w where I get all my cycling news nowadays.

CommieCanuck said...

yeahactually...RAI reporters were approached by an Italian shop and presented with a hidden electric assist TT bike. I was impossible to tell it had a battery and motor, good for 600W for about an hour.
See?

If you make one yourself from duct tape, its a MacGruber bike.

CommieCanuck said...

i think we need to keep the Armstrong interview in perspective. Oprah now has all the money. Fear not the $16,000,000,000,000 US debt, Oprah's good for it.

Anonymous said...

Like most of the "clean" cyclists here, I'm still considering what Miss Babble On meant when she said she'd "done it, too."

And, who is this "Liz" whom Babble wants to see shirtless [hey, that's the way I read the comment].

I would take a relaxing ride right now, but I just finished washing my bike [and, I cleaned & lubed the chain].

Rudy G. said...

Lance admitting he doped is like John Gotti confessing to shooting off illegal fireworks.

Small potatoes.

Anonymous said...

If I was Oprah I would've made Lance come to Chicago for the whole interview, on a darkened stage at Harpo Studios. Then when Lance tearfully admits to the whole mess, the lights go up revealing a full house audience, and Oprah puts down the mic and walks off, and in walks Jerry Springer. Jerry brings out his surprise guests one at a time- Lemond, Betsy, et al, including Paul Kimmage, who is walking slowly, and carrying the chair he was sitting on in that old press conference with Lance: "...You remember this chair, Lance?" Then it's on, Geraldo style.

JB said...

Hatch

John T. Angle said...

Fatherhood is very tricky in the era of skinny jeans.

BALL ROOM

NUMB NUTS

Anonymous said...

Next we will find out that McFly doped...

bikesgonewild said...

...rudy g nailed it...nice !!!...

...there are so many sordid details to the real story that the gen-pop will never fully 'get it'...

bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of "...chewing...", vino is so hopped up on speed in that foto, he's chewing his gold medal...

...ooohhh...licyhas 3026...i'm sure that significant somewhere, somehow to someone...

grbiker88 said...

Looks like a Stuporbowl wardrobe malfunction to me.

Lance and Tom Cruise swirling down the toiletbowl together.

Anonymous said...

I've got a confession, Oprah.
I've been on drugs since 1982. And it hasn't enhanced my performance one fucking bit.
Er, uh....what were we talking about?

Anonymous said...

"It's All About The Bike"

Well, OK, and the heads up on the doping tests,
and the Dope.....and getting my team to Dope.
Then I could show everyone, what it takes to
become the best Goddamn Bully the peloton has
ever seen. That's what I really enjoyed. Screwing
up people's lives for sport. Now THAT was VICTORY.
And the money. Time to go on an unsanctioned ride
w/ my dear dear friend, George W. Bush. Suckers.
--- Lance Armstrong.

bikesgonewild said...

...dunno what language those damn eye-talians were speaking in that video, commie canuck, but it certainly wasn't english...

..."...hey, guido...no fucking comprende, alright ???..."...

...signed: dave stoller's dad...

pablo straittio said...

It's not about the viewer ratings.

Where have you been? said...

Anon 3:59, one of your answers is craftily encoded in a knuckle tat about 2 posts below the Liz reference. Google it and be prepared to be impressed.

kincomp 450

And so on and so on said...

Oh, and anon 3:59, based on her own ramblings, it would be easier to answer "what hasn't she done?"

duchrsh 3251

Anonymous said...

My captcha said: 171 icynfe

Isolation Helmet said...

What's all this about Lance doping?

Did I miss something?

Vegas said...

More human than human
auckesm 1215

Snobbly, every Cycle-O-Crossinger knows that your bike should get de-iced and washed every lap! Looks like Vito is neglecting his pit crew duties. Less PBR, more washy-washy.

Oh, and in my role as one of the commentcontrariates I must tell you that your solo bottle cage is in the wrong "must-be-coasting-to-drink" positionway.

Blog Drafter said...

I've discovered that a cold Stella is the best recovery drink out there.

But you already knew that.


27 lecntra

Vegas said...

ge, I enjoyed your Armstrong confusion.

Cipo's Thinking Out loud said...

Lance will move to Brooklyn and become a regular on "Girls" where he'll invite 20 something aged babes up to his uber loft to see his chain collection and do some EPO. It's on HBO so sex scenes are sure to follow.

Cipo - Babes, accept no substitute said...

"100" ( Also the number of times Cipo's been serviced today)

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

I wonder how long this fixation of posting our captcha challenges (or what-ever-you-call-'em) is going to last.

1272 encholar

Matt said...

Down at our local coin-operated car wash they have a hot wax setting, which might be useful for the ol' scranus.

211 lysaar
vityalA 207 (had to sign onto Google, got re-Capthcha'd)

Dir. Sportif Mestopheles Bruneeell said...

Seven major sponsors just dropped Lance ...

But he was just picked up by Brooks to push their The Pickwick Bike Douche' Bag and Cipollini Industries proffered a modeling opportunity to publicize their new line 'Cipo uniball bib shorts.'

annonymoose said...

Gee, this anti-doping shit is getting out of hand. Now they're even denying baseball players their Hall Of Fame recognition! Who's next? Pro wrestlers?

Juan Venado said...

It isn't the kids that are so annoying it's their parents,the fucks.That feral child from Mad Max was the best,no pair of retards with their sense of entitlement for doing what any Mexican dog does without hardly trying...

Anonymous said...

That works for the comments, but how can we start to cut down on all the spam in the blog post? Let's brainstorm on this, people!

Anonymous said...

or maybe replace it with cock racing, I'd pay to see that at the olympics

And all the while Bjarne Riis just keeps getting away with it??

Tyler's Chimera said...

Ahhhh yes. I remember it all. Back in the day at Lance's pad in Spain. Group blood doping. Passing around the epo bong. My twin was doing so much steroid powder snorting that he had to shave his nut sack three times a day. Those were the days.

McFly said...

Yeah I doped. Pick up my new book "The Secretion Race" at fine yard sales everywhere.

I pulled out at alot of events.

MISS TATS

HATE LOGN

15424esringe (Syringe?)

Fred Willard said...

I have it from solid sources that in an already taped interview, with Buck Laughlin, Leroy's dog will admit to doing Alpo. To be broadcast on day one of The Westminster Dog Show (Feb 11th). Forget watching Opera on Thursday, catch Leroy's Dog's Mea Culpa. P.S. Unconfirmed rumors say Buck's leg got peed on during the interview.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Willard --

I can believe my dog did Alpo. I can believe he peed on Mr. Laughlin's leg.

But a mea culpa? That's not like him.

Honestly, he never apologizes for anything.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad he has a foot on the ground, it's called cheating!

Lilly@Compromise Agreement Solicitors UK said...

It really came as a shock to me when I read about this don't know how much truth lies in this but I still can't believe this.