Wednesday, January 16, 2013

It Rubs The Wednesday On Its Skin Or Else It Gets The Hose Again

As everybody knows, the Big C (that's C for "confession") with the Big O is now a two-night event, and I'm already cringing in advance:


As I understand it, the first night will focus on the confession itself, and the second night will be sort of a light-hearted free-form riff session intercut with outtakes and bloopers (Oprah tends to giggle whenever she hears the word "testicles") which will culminate in the announcement that Armstrong will become Oprah's new co-host.

Then, their first guest will be Bill Maher, with whom they will discuss the difference between "pedal" and "peddle:"

Apparently he's been reading too many New York Post articles.

Meanwhile, the professional cycling world continues to back away nervously from the whole clusterfuck, and few people have more interest in distancing themselves than reigning Tour de France champion Bradley "Stanley" Wiggins:


In fact, Bradley wants to discard the entire 1990s like an empty bidon:

"The 90s are pretty much a write-off now."

I'm shocked to hear this from Wiggins, of all people.  He embodies the '90s!  Doesn't he realize that if you write off that decade you no longer have Oasis?



Without Oasis there is no Wiggins hair, and without Wiggins hair there is no Wiggins.


(Wiggins with Pat Benatar)

Then of course there was that whole "I never actually raced against Lance Armstrong" thing:

Interviewer: You used to race against Lance Armstrong?

Wiggins: Well that's a myth. I never actually raced against Lance Armstrong. In my whole reign [sic] really. I raced once against him in the Criterium International 2004, never at the Tour de France... um yeah so that was the only time really.

Seems like an odd thing to forget, especially since he inherited Armstrong's podium spot in the 2009 Tour:


Whose ass did he think that was, Condator's?

The old-timers are even more entertaining:


It's crucial to them that the sport look forward, ostensibly for the young riders, but really because they're as dirty as a chamois after a double century but don't want to be held accountable:

"Yeah, you look at the past but today is the first day of the rest of our lives, especially for cycling. We have to leave the past. Maybe that's hard to do in your eyes but the major case of Armstrong this week was from 1999-2005. Puerto was before 2006.

Lefevere, of course, was the Mapei directeur sportif at the 1996 Paris-Roubaix:

 

There was nothing suspicious about that finish at all.

Also, in yesterday's post I said that they should take cycling out of the Olympics, and it looks like that could very well happen:


Looks like some of these young hopefuls better put their bikes on eBay and buy themselves some ice skates.

Alas, when it comes to the sport of cycling, I don't know what to believe in anymore--except for this, which was forwarded to me by a reader:


Inspiring to be sure--though as for the sport of cycling, it's going to take a lot more than rhinestones to bedazzle that turd.

Meanwhile, in Portland, did you know the hot new trend in real estate is the "low-car apartment?"


Big freaking deal.  My apartment is both low-car and amenity-neutral.  I had no idea I was entitled to be so smug about it.

Speaking of parking, people in Brooklyn continue to oppose it for bikes:


The DOT installed the “bike corral” in front of Little Zelda on Franklin Avenue between Park and Sterling places in late November. The corral replaces one parking space with eight bike spaces and two large planters.

The problem?  "Subterranean issues:"

Nugent-Miller, whose family has lived in the neighborhood for two generations, said the dispute over the bike corral is about more than just a parking space.

“This is way beyond just a bike rack,” she said in an e-mail. “There are so many more subterranean issues at play here.”


And by "subterranean issues" she means the hlipsters that are emerging from the subways and taking over the neighborhood:

“A lot of the residents feel that gentrification is more of a takeover than partnership,” Nugent-Miller agreed following the meeting.

It's a shame that something as practical and inexpensive as the bicycle has become so inextricably incorporated into the gentrification wars that are now raging across Brooklyn.  Sure, there are problems with gentrification--like your landlord forcing you out so he can quadruple your rent, or your local grocery becoming an artisanal mayonnaise shop, or tripping over all those stupid cutesy sidewalk blackboards in front of all the cafes and brunch restaurants--but the bicycle is merely an innocent victim in all of this.  It's sort of like the name Adolf, which was perfectly lovely until you-know-who had to come along and ruin it for everybody.  In fact, here's what Adolph means:

The name is a compound derived from the Old High German Athalwolf, a composition of athal, or adal, meaning noble, and wolf...

Is there anything intrinsically wrong with that?  I don't think so.  I mean, what's more noble than a wolf?


Actually, it's only a matter of time before someone brings the name Adolph back, though unfortunately it will probably be some artisanal father in Brooklyn who already named his older kid "Beowulf," and then someone will copy him because that's what these people do, then Franklin Avenue in Brooklyn will be teeming with little Adolphs, and then people will start hating the name all over again only for completely different reasons, and of course they'll all ride bikes, and finally little bicycle-riding Adolphs will become the abiding symbol of the scourge of gentrification.  If this country ever does explode in an actual class war, it will probably start over a bike lane.

That's why I left Brooklyn and took my children Kim Jong, Saddam, and Idi to a neighborhood that's been gentrified for at least 200 years, safe from anything even remotely controversial or interesting.

Speaking of controversial and interesting, I would say that this bike, which was forwarded to me by a reader, qualifies as both:


Maybe Wiggins is right and we should totally write off the 1990s.

108 comments:

Anonymous said...

The great chicken fuckr strikes again.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

bang bang
operah operah

JB said...

podio robot?

Anonymous said...

uchMrril

# 4?

theEel said...

weed.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top ten cough cough.

egeskn 1106

P. Bateman said...

holy crap that is an ugly bike

3131 quavely

Jimboner said...

my nut hurts

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Anonymous said...

i am a robot

Anonymous said...

Ich bin kein Roboter.

DB said...

Present!

Anonymous said...

That's right 'Snob--they all did it. Keep telling yourself that...

Comment deleted said...

Lone Wolf returns! Hurrah!

That last bike is like a what, a twelve-pointer? If I were a hunter, I'd totally shoot it.

babble on said...

I thought the nineties were already a total write off.

JB said...

I like hanging around bike shops, not buying much. So, I suppose I like to watch people peddle bikes.

Heather said...

I've seen that Lone Wolf guy and really wondered "what was up with that?". He's...interesting.

grog said...

YAY! BABE
I'm waiting for big O to interview big R. (Recumbabe)
HAPY WEED

Ted Nugent said...

Yes, Constance is the love-child I had with Steve Miller.

lobstard 666

babble on said...

mmm, recumboobs

babble on said...

Please, tell me... what do you call it when you can see a guy's assets?


scroticui 2211

DB said...

Can't wait to watch Lance interview tomorrow night. Wait! That's Project Runway night. Dang.
Mr. Snob: my wife insists that I sell one bike before buying a new one. I'd like to go back to steel with my next purchase. I have three bikes at present. I think she's being harsh. Any advice?

Anonymous said...

Hey back off man Jar of Flies was released in 1995, which was, and still is, pretty dang good.

Lone Wolf Sparkle Pony.....

crosspalms said...

That bike would go faster if it had a bigger chainring. Still be ugly, though.

esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

No!, YOU'RE an Athal!




4 elsoftyt

ken e. said...

zzzzz... huh!?!

LONE WOLF
GLTR DO!!

vantage said...

boobies and beaver at work ! yea!


nizedko 43

RANTWICK said...

Best post title in a long time. Nice one, snob.

DNK said...

Well, now that I know it's a 2-night event with bloopers, I am calling my cable TV provider this minute in order to subscribe to the "Premium Cable" package.


I will be excited foffing off during the entire Lance confession. (Confessions excite me).

208 utuldb

Buffalo Bill said...

Little Idi would be so proud.

58 barbale? You don't say.

Anonymous said...

Oprah got some big-ass knockers.

I bet Stedman be motor-boatin' them melons every Wednesday night and twice on Sunday afternoons.

OPRH JUGS

CLEA VAGE

Anonymous said...

I'd fuck me. Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me.

herbal remedy.

Anonymous said...

#turtlenecksonhomos

Yarpo said...

Ouch! It's the 5 kstestm!!!!
Get it off me! GET IT OFF ME!!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!1...

Anonymous said...

DICP OUND

mikeweb said...

Lone Wolf's bedazzled Judaic Lotus TT bike!!

Oh, I needed that...

Anonymous said...

A garbage barge. A cybernetic organism.

Frilly said...

I got gentrified out of my apartment last year. Sucked ass. Ended up in a most bike un-friendly neighborhood--rutty, pitted pavement, narrow streets, and plenty of angry drivers. I am doomed to pathleteness.

Onto more cheerful subjects, like Contador's ass. *le sigh*

5220 fewfues (sounds kind of naughty)

Anonymous said...

WCRM- GREAT POST, way to keep it old school with that last kangaroo hunter bike.

Babble- I don't regularly peruse your blog, but DANG that was a much appreciated topic. Not the guy parts, I have my own so they aren't interesting, the canadien dromedary action shot was a real boost.

I'm really liking that last bike... te details are fascinating. is that bottom bracket really high or what??!! Also, the 1/4 mile lengths of cable housing, puts the swooping cables of the golden gate to shame!


16NNegam

Anonymous said...

I won't be watching Lance's interview. Maybe catch a few minutes of the half-time show [I think Beyonce is singing, and who doesn't LOVE those commercials?!

I did catch the pre-interview with Gale King and Big O on ABC TV. Might watch the post-interview. Those two have a certain, undefinable "chemistry" together.

Yawn... I wonder when's Oprah's next big confession?

thegock said...

DRUG USER

The Producers said...

At exactly 38:19 in the interview Lance takes his pants off and climbs up on O's chair and starts tea-baggin' the bridge of her nose with his remaining testicle. At which point she begins to knead her breast together and moan ever so gently.

It's what we call "The Moment" in the business.

Anonymous said...

Dick Pound!

Anonymous said...

sorry to harp on the TT bike so much, but now the brake levers looks to be a foot long. what is the deal yo!

39permsey

Yarpo said...

I saw the Lone Wolf in Pasadena after the finish of the 2008 Tour of California. It was THAT Lotus that caught my eye. It seemed kind of creepy: the Lone Wolf (with leonine hair and countenance)just cruising slowly back and forth in the podium area after the final ceremonies were over and the crowds were starting to disperse, as if he desperately wanted to be noticed. Weird, man, weird.

What is that ugly, ugly, ugly bike-thing picture at the end of the post? My eyes hurt now.

Too early for rum and I can't celebrate, errr, Wednesday, cuz' I gotta work later.

I'll just effitsdo 4432 instead!

Anonymous said...

isn't the entire sport of cycling built around cheating? with the drafting, and team strategy and lead outs, etc. I agree with Bill Meh-her.

Perry said...

Who is the Lone Wolf?

Anal Rand said...

"Lone Wolf laughed"

mikeweb said...

Bill Maher obviously must be enjoying his Wednesday. Actually from what I've heard, he enjoys Wednesday every day.

Anonymous said...

No Oasis? I wish.....

Pair of fuds.

hey nonny mouse (alteti 2926)

SuSuSudio said...

I really wanted to catch that interview but IFC is showing back-to-back episode's of Portlandia Thursday night. It's much more informative cycling-wise.

Anonymous said...

4180 nifigs' here!

JB said...

Anon (16NNegam) @ 1:28pm: Does the camel toe really get you going? W/o nudeness, it does nothing for me, except for confirm a vagina.

Now, boobs, nips, dongs, rumps, nut(s), and bushes: those vary significantly from person to person. Variations that can be detected through tight clothing, such as my yoga knickers.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Rhinestone Lone Wolf.

Anonymous said...

Tmbw.net/wiki/Robot_Parade

In a future time in a future place.

babble on said...

Anon @ 1:28 - thank you. And qu'est-ce que le fuck?!? You don't regularly read my blog? Why not?!

JB - I'm with you, especially when it comes to nipples, but I like a good camel-toe just cause not all va-jay-jays are created equal, and I’m all for a sneak preview.

Anonymous said...

DICK POUND(?)!!! Head of WADA/IOC?

Perfect and sublime....

crosspalms said...

The real Armstrong story is way more awesome.

Anonymous said...

Moose-Knuckle.

yogisurf said...

Always like to see what the Lone Wolf is up to. We have a San Diego Lone Wolf. I'm going to get a picture of him.

bikesgonewild said...

...wow...glen cambell has kinda let himself go but i do like the new rhinestone bicycle...

..."...like a rhinestone trackbike...
...riding out like a geek in a star-spangled rodeo...
...on my rhinestone trackbike...
...getting on-line props from people that i don't even know..."
...

...(in truth, i have massive respect for glen cambell & it breaks my heart to know such a comsumate song writer, musician & performer is suffering from alzheimers...he played his last public performance not far from here just last year...always been a class act...)...

babble on said...

It's right up my alley, too, all shiny and sparkly...

bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of rhinestones & va-jay-jays...

...aren't bedazzled pubic mounds an "...in thing..." these days ???...

...gotta say i haven't had a close encounter with one a' those yet...

...hmmm...chance of swallowing a rhinestone ???...definitely high...

Wes said...

Babble

?

18 ncioele (18!)

babble on said...

Yes?

babble on said...

Wai-hey-hey-ate a minute- Mr Wes...

How is it you are now curator of Frilly's blogway?

Vegas said...

I'm not the droid you're captcha-ing for.
172 vedeyin

Write off the 90's? You can take my grunge when you pry it from my cold dead hands.

And also xionapo 451

babble on said...

Bejewelled va-jay-jays? What a GREAT idea!

babble on said...

Um... and also, Mr Wes, I think that it's a bit of a tease to have a blog about stripping but no photos.

Just sayin'...

Wes said...

Babble

BSEXPLANATION?

Well, it was a quiet time - Snob was on holiday (vacation), again and there was a bit of kicking around and instead of walking along the railway tracks to see a dead body, a blog was made,to help all of the slowtons get up to date with the Snob "scene". I personally didn't think he'd like it, and as it turned out, nobody had the stamina to make the whole thing get past, what, two, three posts?

Anyhoo, I still feel that if anyone wants to know what RTMS stands for they should do what I did - spend almost all of your working day making your way through the blog from start to the present. Dedication, that's what you need.

Now, where in the fuck is Ant1?

Herschel Raney said...

Things I would rather do than watch the Armstrong Oprah interview:

Have one of my own testicles removed.

Have a nice sit with Wiggins hairdresser for a 'do.

Download the full Whitesnake catalog to my Fire.

Get an image of an antique time trial cycle tattooed directly on my scranus.

So see, I have important shit I need to do. If we all ignore the interview, really, he will just go away. Fuck 'im and feed 'im fishheads.

Hand Solo said...

Hey guys and gals. I realize that I promised to not ask this question again, but, how do I know when I'm high???

wishiwasmerckx said...

Jeez, do I have to do all the heavy lifting around here?

vajazzling.com

And if you think I know how to hyperlink that s%&t, you are sadly mistaken. That is why I had kids.

wishiwasmerckx said...

JB, you are nuts, man.

The pudendum is the best part.

bikesgonewild said...

...http://vajazzlingkit.com/...(too lazy to imbed)...

...the images show their stuff just on stomachs n' butts n' stuff but i once happened upon jennifer love hewitt on th kimmel show & she was talking about bejewelling her plump little va-jay-jay mound...

...sounds like delightful work, if you can get it...

Tyler's Chimera 'Ingrid' said...

I never doped. My my chimera did though. Several years back, US Postal Time Trial Team Reunion/Epo Blast at Hincapppie's. I swear Tyler did so much epo that he climbed the wall crossed the ceiling and came down the other wall like The Fly. And it was fook'in AWESOME man. But I never tested positive dudes. What's Opera's number again?

Pfhil Legit said...

Is that Wiggo's real face or did he do a Hannibal Lector escape move using Candydish's face?

Dick Clark said...

A blast from the past ...

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Frilly said...

No doubt Wes! I miss Ant1 something awful. Remember the first time I won the podium race and I posted the nip slip avatar? Ant1 was in Belgium that week and missed it. Then he threatened everybody that if I didn't get to win again soon, he was going to punch somebody in the face. Ha! Good times.

leroy said...

Well now this is odd.

In the picture promoting Ms. Winfrey's interview, Mr. Armstrong appears to be confessing to slow dancing with Ashley Olsen.

Why else would his hands be so close together?

grbiker88 said...

I don't know what Bill Maher is talking about. When I worked in bike shops, people gathered in crowds to watch me peddle bikes. Dork.

grbiker88 said...

Subterranean carsick blues.

Anonymous said...

Where can I get some of that Mapei shit?

Anonymous said...

So from what I understand, Lance has confessed to Oprah, exposing his fortune to a host of possible court actions by the people who paid him millions. And all for what? So that he can compete in some amateur races or triathlons. Maybe he's not the greatest cyclist of all time. But he's definitely the greatest Fred of all time.

Perry said...

Dammit, Babble. What's with posting pictures of nakeed wemyn on your blog? You're going to get me into trouble with my employer.

By the way, I am not sure if Snob's inclusion of recumbabe counts for NSFW purposes. With or without the Larry King censor bars, she seems pretty unlikely to arouse suspicion.

Cipo said...

I never actually raced against Lance Armstrong, but that one time that I cannot remember. We did some coke on Basso´s sis and buried some hookers in the forest but I do not know him very well.
Hmmm, tits.

Aussie commenter said...

That last cockpit is a rare example of "Funnelweb attacks"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Atrax_robustus.jpg

Pfred Douche' D.D.S. said...

So now that Lance has been stripped of his TdF titles and everyone else doped too I'm sitting here thinking hey! If everything in cycling is for sale then perhaps I'll purchase one or two of those TdF titles that they stripped Lance of seeing that UlrichBassoVinoRasmussen&Everyoneelse is also a doper too.

So what is the contact info for the UCI/IU/CUI in Switzerland?

Pfred Douche' D.D.S. said...

I'll pay in gold as long as there is no pee-pee testing.

Grump said...

The solution to all this doping is to go back to paying professional Bike racers "slave wages".
It's all LeMond's fault for jacking up salaries.

PS. Didn't LeMond win one of those Tour de Francis in the 90's......Is Wiggens implying.......

PSS, this code word thing sucks big time. Can't you just be required to add two numbers??
.
.

Anonymous said...

What about your other fourteen children?
No shout-outs to them?
Oh, they'll resent that, don't you know.

babble on said...

Sorry, Perry.

I had to throw a bone for the bone, what with all the bones in there.

babble on said...

...and besides, she's smashing.

Anonymous said...

"…then Franklin Avenue in Brooklyn will be teeming with little Adolphs …"

The Boys From Bed-Stuy

Grumpy german said...

Witnessed olympic level stupidity yesterday evening:
saw a guy riding a fixie with no brakes at all (completely illegal in Germany btw, you HAVE to have brakes on a bike) although we´re in the middle of a blizzard, 3 inches of snow, ice underneath it, etc...
Oh, and he had no light either..

Ich bin kein Roboter.

Trance Armstrong said...

Everybody wants to know what I'm on.

I'm on Oprah's couch...6 hours a day....bustin' my moves.

3G said...

CHUD Hipsters!

McFly said...

Johan Muuseew is like all "Hey guys no cutting line okay? This will immortalize me with my people. I will make sure you each get extra Mapei MMMMMMMM'kaaayyyy?"......lolz

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I miss frilly's nip slip.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
recumbent conspiracy theorist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Trance Armstrong, you remind me very much of a fellow by the name of Tyres

ce said...

If you didn't find that funny blame it on the 90's and move on.

rct, sorry for stealing 100th place. I explain all the sordid details of the cover-up on Oprah, tune in.

Jason from LA said...

The dream of the 90's is alive and well and living in Portland.

Speaking of capcha's I wonder who the guy is going around taking pictures of all the house numbers? Do the home owners get royalties or kick-backs?

DDreaming While Babbling said...

Babble On "what do you call a guys assets". Answer "a portfolio", it consists of two gem stones and a bar of gold (bar size fluxuates with inflation and deflation).

Naked babe on your blog, self portrait?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

My bet is Google lifted the numbers from the gigantic file of pics from google earth street view.

Pisses me off when its blurry and hard to read. If I had a robot brain or bionic eye it would be much easier.

babble on said...

Dearest Ddreaming...

Uh, no. In my ddddddreams...

Thank you, though, and bless your blind heart. Nope, that's not me, that's Peta Todd, Mr Cavendish's wife.

xo

Ridley Scott said...

Foldee Commercial: The pretty girl is wearing a smile that suggests her boyfriend just got done eating her canary. They peedel around Milan while someone sings in english (huh?). And Milan has received American culture as evidenced by the McDonald's they peedel by. Her helmet strap is buckled uber loose so when she crashes her helmet is sure to fly off before her head hits the concrete bridge abutment. If I were directing this opus I would change the ending starting where they hold hands, instead of hand holding each would put a hand on the others cheek, then together they let the bikes drop, then they turn and embrace, then he picks her up and twirls her around and around (just like Cipo does with his partners). Cut to closing shot of the two of them in a giant Italian wine barrel that has been converted into a hot tub, their bare shoulders are showing above the rim (implying their stark buck naked as a jay bird) as the sun sets in the distance.