Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Innovation: Hands-Free Driving for Brain-Free Living

Firstly, here's some crazy shit that went down back in Eighteen Hundred Ninety And Six:

That's why I always carry an India rubber bulb syringe filled with condensed ammonia.



It's been about twenty-five years since I've ridden a skateboard, so I'm not sure what kind of grind this is.  It doesn't really match any of the grinds on Wikipedia, so maybe we need a new name for this one, in which case I'd suggest "Retarded Van Grind."  (I'm sure someone's going to get offended by my use of the "R" word, but if you've got a more fitting way to describe what this van did I'd love to hear it.)  Also, I always enjoy looking up the license plates in cases like these, and while the owner of the van still owes $115 for parking in a no-standing zone last month, I don't see any violation listed for parking on top of a protected bike lane:

It could just be that it hasn't been logged into the system yet--or, more likely, the authorities simply administered assistance and a congratulatory high five for the radical Retarded Van Grind and sent him on his way.

(And no, Retarded Van Grind was not a Classics rider from the 1960s--though if we was, obviously it would be pronounced "Van Greeend" with a guttural "G.")


What makes this charmingly British is that the car was a Jaguar and the driver backed away awkwardly, like an embarassed houseguest who's just knocked over a vase:

He had to reverse all the way back down again in a dramatic episode which lasted at least 20 minutes and led to ominous creaking noises from the structure.

Especially British is the description of the incident as "dramatic."  Here in Canada's filthy underpants, a motor-vehicular mishap only qualifies as dramatic if the death toll is in the double digits.  Single-digit death tolls (to say nothing of sleep-inducing incidents in which nobody dies, like this one) are well within the margins of what's considered acceptable collateral damage.  Also, we don't back away gingerly from our mistakes; instead, when things start going awry we just mash down even harder on the gas pedal--unless we have access to a firearm, of course, in which case we just shoot our way out.

Fortunately though, the days of motor vehicle mayhem are nearly at an end, since the cars can now drive themselves:


Happy wanking!  It's impossible to imagine any kind of scenario in which this kind of technology could possibly go wrong, especially when it's made by Lincoln.

Meanwhile, in bicycle product marketing news, I received a press release from Fizik (or f'i"z*k:, as their name is technically rendered), informing me that they're now in the cockpit business:


This is great news, because if you've been shopping for road bike handlebars recently you know there are only about four million bends and styles to choose from:


(Make it stop!!!)

By the way, in searching for random images of handlebars I came across this incredible cockpit:


If the Ergons won't come to Fred then Fred must hike to the summit of Mount Kludge.

Or something.

In any case, clearly Fizik saw a hole in the market, and then they decided to ignore it and sell handlebars instead--though theirs are apparently different because they're forged from the power of French mediocrity:

AG2R-LA MONDIALE will be testing the new cockpit system in the world’s most demanding races, supplying the type of feedback that has been the mainstay of the development of fi’zi:k’s exceptional products to date. 

And here's one of them playing with his cockpit:


(Did you know that, according to G**gle Translate, the French for "foffing off" is "foffing hors?")

He's going to be very happy to hear about that self-driving Lincoln.

Speaking of new products nobody needs, how about yet another folding bike to compete with the Bromptons and the Swifts and the roughly four billion models from Dahon and all the rest of them?  Well, naturally there's one on Kickstarter, though it has an impressive pedigree in that it's designed by the guy who invented Rollerblades:



If anybody's qualified to make you look like a circus clown, it's the guy who invented Rollerblades:


And while I'm not sure what's new or compelling about this design compared to all the other folding bikes out there, I suppose you could always buy two NexiBikes and strap them to your feet:


Actually, I suspect the NexiBike is a cunning ploy by the father of Rollerblades to seduce cyclists and lure them over to the perverse world of wearing shoes with wheels on them.  

Lastly, here's a very happy Canadian:


I think the camera angle is meant to simulate the view of the guy in the bike shop who sold her all that stuff.

140 comments:

Anonymous said...

OWNED

Anonymous said...

woooohooooo!

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

WHOLE PODIUM?

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

agentdetroit said...

top ten, bitches!

Anonymous said...

Sorry got excited (ZOD).

Anonymous said...

Fiddle sticks

Anonymous said...

Top Ten!!!!!
Scranus

streepo said...

scranus

JB said...

Early lead out.

Anonymous said...

Quite honestly. I've been waiting since the first months of this blog to get that! This feels better than a hundred fred crit victories (11:57 AM)

Anonymous said...

Anyway as I was saying to "Different Anonymous than Anonymous @12:23" in yesterday's comment section,

"If it's all the same to (me)"?

What part of KNEEL BEFORE ZOD didn't you understand?

(ZOD)

grog said...

MORE BABE

DerZoots said...

Top TWoonty


WEEEDDDDD and shits


Wooooo

DerZoots said...

Oh jeah gonna help my self to more World Cup points.

Anonymous said...

"It's impossible to manage any kind of scenario in which this kind of technology could possibly go wrong,"

Did you mean "It's impossible to IMAGINE any kind of scenario in which this kind of technology could possibly go wrong," WCRM? Damn spell check...

DerZoots said...

I haz no jobs.


HAHAHAHA!


I should be worried.
That's not zen though, right?
Dunno been a long time since I rode a track bike in the city.

DerZoots said...

Nah he's right how could you manage a scenario going that wrong?

Nutbush City Limits said...

I'd freak grind that gal with the Calgary Haul from Sunday to Sunday.

Anonymous said...

Isn't that the van that Frank Costanza was humping Estelle in?

Did the grind end with a shout of "SERENITY NOW"?!?!

JB said...

The jersey barrier has apparently retarded the van's 50/50 grind. And the smith grind is the best type of grind.

Do you east coasters call them "jersey barriers"?

babble on said...

I'm a specialist in brain free living.

ge said...

That's some awesome old-timey hijinks. I'm glad I got to read it before I had to be subjected to the Kickstarter campaign to recreate it and subsequently be sent a Vimeo link to view a couple of douchey hilpster/tweedsters.

Anonymous said...

Garbage Barge

Anonymous said...

I would say that might be Babble in that video but if Babble made a video it would be of a different nature and would end with a moneyshot.

PULI TOUT

Anonymous said...

Sprinkles make everything better.

mikeweb said...

The last viddy gave me a pleasant flashback to that goofy bicycle umbrella installation video with the hot nut holder.

Foffing hors indeed.

Jimboner said...

I invented the retard grind back in '82 it involved getting yer Fruit of the Looms caught in yer trucks.

Cipo Biographer Pfred Douche'berg said...

excerpt page 343 vol. 7 'Cipo - The Life & Times of a Major Hetro Meat Stick Pilot'

'The best part of the sex thing is when me brain goes buzzz and I feel all squishy.'

Synonymous said...

Of course it's a Retarded Van Grind. The grind retarded the speed of the van.

Some dutchman is going to be offended though.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fast Freddie Fredrickson D.D.S. said...

So Brooks (rhymes with crooks) 'The Pickwick' douche' bag thingie ...

How is it powered? Solar or battery?

The King of Park Slope said...

These foffing hor d'oeuvres are cold.

Frilly said...

Two things:

I like the Fizik bar tape. And I also like the Pickwick bag.

And dear Lob, do NOT wear that stocking beard cap thing in public.

That's actually three things. Bad medicine head today.

Anonymous said...

Calgary ...

Isn't that where that guy was crucified way back when?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Now that's gun control! -hitting the tire of a bicycle in front of you while riding a bicycle yourself.

crosspalms said...

FACE MASK

Anonymous said...

missing bollards have been in the news many a time. I rememmer ngyen an idiot drove around the UNC main quad squishing hapless students in 2006, leading to a "bollard-watch". Signs were posted on main approaches asking students to report any missing bollards.

Comment deleted said...

P-far shootout!

Trailer Park Cyclist said...

A lot of the athelete-realtors around here also carry bulb syringes loaded with condensed ammonia. I think it is retarded but what do I know? I live in a trailer.

3G said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frilly said...

And I keep having a wardrobe malfunction w/the bottom button on my dress causing a NSFW slit up the front. Tired. Cranky. Missing McFly. (Yeah, I said it.) And I could really use a Cipo pressure check right now.

That is all.

Comment deleted said...

Pics, or it didn't happen, Frills.

Anonymous said...

Snobby - that is not a grind. It is called a Jersey barrier. It is designed to keep people from New Jersey out.

cycle

grbiker88 said...

Vans don't grind, people in vans do, if they're stupid.

Casey said...

Fizik is Italian, not French. I suppose that means I missed the joke.

Anonymous said...

Rollerblade man smokes inferior weed.

The Bunditz

crosspalms said...

I think it's time to print up some "Free McFly" t-shirts.

Frilly said...

Oh it is happening Comment Deleted. I'm tired of fighting this thing & I don't have a pin. So I went to the ladies and removed my slip. I'm going to act like my tights are leggings and the whole thing was carefully curated.

PEEP SHOW
2DAY ONLY

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

but her face, apparently

Anonymous said...

MORESPAMORIMAFUCKINKILLYA!

thegock said...

FOFF HORS

Anonymous said...

I don't know about that gal from Canada/Calgary [towards the end of Snob's post today]. First of all, she doesn't know how to air up her tires [is that possible?]. Secondly, she's wasting lube by over-lubing her chain. And, I'm not EVEN going to mention that she filmed her entire video INSIDE her home, wearing a face mask and goggles?! Is that something Canadians do?!

Anonymous said...

Gutteral weed

Anonymous said...

I don't know about the locking mechanism on that Nexibike.

Comment deleted said...

Sounds like an excellent time to...

KNEEL BEFORE FRILLY!

bk jimmy said...

In fairness to that van driver, when they first added those barriers I nearly did an idiot bike grind while making the same right turn onto Flushing. Though I guess that's not much of a defense of the van driver.

grbiker88 said...

Son, your going to drive me to drinkin'
if you don't quit drivin' that Hot Rod Lincoln.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @2:16

About that locking mechanism, three words: slip, screech, crunch.

Add "ouch". So four words is all you need to know.

ken e. said...

basically anything i write at this point is self-incriminating...

SKRT HIKE
LOVE LEGS

PNWB LUES
GUMB OOTS

babble on said...

Ohmygod I LOVE hot nut holders.

And hot Calgarians, but not scary looking face masks. (I thought she was some horribly disfigured burn victim...)

And Frilly.

But then, you've gotta love Frilly...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Foffing hors categorie.

babble on said...

Where IS McFly, anyway?

Angry Dragon said...

Where's McFly? Where's McFly? Why doesn't anyone ask what's happened to me? Or did I morph into Flammer? Maybe we're all the same person.

Frilly said...

Its working Babbs! Once I gave the slip the slip, it does look like boots, leggings, & a tunic. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Flamman Man said...

Flammer by day ... by night it gets worse. Much, much worse:

http://www.flamanfitness.com/flaman-man-videos.html

babble on said...

Yaaaay!

That's the secret to fashion, anyway... it's all about confidence.

leroy said...

Condensed ammonia in a syringe bulb is so last century.

My dog fills his syringe bulb with 151 proof rum.

It impairs eyesight when applied externally or internally.

He says he got the idea from friends.

http://tinyurl.com/leroy-s-dog-s-friends

My dog also wishes to point out that Mr. Smith is the only person who has inarguably committed crimes in the otherwise unverifiable New York Times report: possession of stolen property, possession of unlicensed handgun, riding after dark without lights, describing oneself as an all around athlete -- okay that last one is only an etiquette violation, but really, there ought to be a law.

This is just my dog's opinion. He hasn't cared for real estate agents since one objected to his sale of a local bridge without a proper real estate license.

babble on said...

Ouch. Flamman Man is much worse than Flammer. Scary, even.

I hope he never rides a bike, cause if he does, he's sure to give the rest of us a bad name.

babble on said...

mmm rum goggles...

Your dog is kindov clever, Leroy. He should run for president.

Comment deleted said...

Leroy is one of the few posters I will trouble to cut and paste URLs for. Though I will say, you might want to ask your dog about embedding the link in html to make it all clicky and such.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps McFly is using again and he's too high to read Snobbie's blog (that would be really high). Or he's stuck on Gilligan's island.

JB said...

Irony:

http://www.htmlcodetutorial.com/linking/_A.html

Comment deleted said...

@JB, an exception to the rule that anything labeled "ironic", isn't. (ref. Morisette, Alanis, "Jagged Little Pill")

P. Bateman said...

of course you foff hors. what else are hors good for other than foffing? not much else says i.

also, why is that girl wearing a facemask? is she a hor that is preparing for a facial after a good foff?

Frilly said...

Leroy, I like your dog's friends.

JB--that is way too much work and, uh, nice avatar.

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE BABBLE'S PINK CANOE! (Me first, please.)

Buffalo Bill said...

Once she realizes that only freds shop at mec, she'll be off to bikebike. I bet it's even closer to her place.

Anonymous said...

Ease up on McFly. This is how that shit started with Waldo and just escalated like a motherfucker.

McFly said...

Eating pussy.

Bunny said...

Hey! McFly! Where's my homework! It's deu tomorrow!

Hello! McFly!

Doc Emmitt said...

He went back.......

Anonymous said...

I had a pedestrian bridge incident once on the University of Colorado campus when we drunkenly drove an old Volvo over a walking bridge that spanned a pond in the middle of a snow storm.

Boy, we were fucked up.

Doc Emmitt said...

........to the future!!!

Anonymous said...

I miss Yehuda...

babble on said...

That's not McFly, silly...

Vegas said...

Guns don't kill people, P-fars kill people.

And I'm fairly sure you can blame the 50/50 Van Grind on Rob Dyrdek: Car Kickflip

Vegas said...

Oh, and who can give me directions to Frilly's place of employment?

Frilly said...

Don't tempt me Vegas, you know how I feel about redheads!

Will you be in Louisville? Do you know any Spanish?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @4:25

You state that you once had an incident, then state that "we" drunkenly drove. Who was driving?

Would everything be OK if it were a newer Volvo?

Was the pond in the middle of said snowstorm?

Please everyone, use caution when overtaking a pedestrian bridge!

Yarpo said...

Saw the Calgarian video with the mute on. Kept waiting for her to unzip her sweater until I saw the mask and goggles; then I was in fear of her unzipping anything at all. I REALLY don't want to join her in her Journey to Mental Health, Raw Foods, and Whatever The Fuck Else.

Oh yeah, Congrats to (ZOD). I'm sure his planet is proud, as well as kneeling.

Time for some rum.

Vegas said...

Por supuesto. !Estoy saliendo mi trabajo ahora mismo y manejar a Louisville! jaja

The CD said...

1. That is a backside sloppy grind (almost all slappy grinds are 50/50, sometimes a Losi if your really hauling.) In autos, I always think that backside is the passenger side.
2. The NexiBike has been a work in progress for about 20 years. I don't know WHAT the guy from Rollerblade Land is doing in the video, the guys behind share a small workspace in the Dorchester section of Boston.
3. The guy that owns the house/art/math enclave share workspace called The Nexus Gallery hosted Independent Fabrication when they were starting out in 1995. I have ridden two versions of that bike when the designers would stop by I.F. back in the late 90's. Somehow those little thumbscrew lock mechanisms would hold my 6'4", 200 lb. body and the thing was NOT very whippy or noodle while riding. That opening shots of the video "host" look like they are shot at The Nexus.

Vegas said...

+1 Yarpo

Anonymous said...

Why ammonia in a bulb syringe? Respiratory stimulant.

http://www.drugs.com/mmx/ammonia-spirit-aromatic.html

Mr Smith=first doper cyclist. Isn't Brooklyn to Yonkers a suspiciously long haul on a p-far, in full tweed?

bikesgonewild said...

...mask ???...thank god !!!...i thought it was the typical calgarian, hockey chick fan who hadn't shaved off last years 'playoff beard' because of the lockout...

...not all canadian chicks are as stylish as a certain 'van' cyclist we all know...

...just sayin'...

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 5:29,

From what I understand, those dandies were doing centuries on P-fars back in the day. I'm guessing the other PED of choice for those tall-bikers was a saddlebag full of (legal) cocaine.

Frilly said...

*chortle*

Well, you know it is just a short five hour drive from StL.

Anonymous said...

and thirdly, here's some crazy shit that´s going down right now:

it´s getting hotter

Ann Droyd said...

JB 3:38, Ironic but so much more informative and less convenient to view from a mobile device than how do I get this linky thing to work?

leroy said...

Well now this is odd.

My dog just Rickrolled me.

Wonder where he learned to do that.

Comment deleted said...

Leroy,

this is not a rickroll

Vegas said...

You need a bigger chortle, I'm in California. 30 hours, unless you live in Louisville, Colorado haha. I expect you to have a similar wardrobe malfunction on Thursday when I arrive. (;

Cipo said...

That's why I always carry a two foot long mace inside my bib shorts.

Happy Canadian said...

And the best part is: it only cost 5 fellatio.

Scorching Madly Ahead said...

"scorched madly ahead". They don't write them like that anymore. Next time I do a rapid acceleration I'm going to say to myself "I'm scorching madly ahead".

R. VanGrind said...

what's all this then?

Douglas Carnall said...

The casual American attitude to weaponised madness means you all probably don't care, but, hey! Ammonia in your eyes is particularly bad news: it is readily absorbed then turns your eyeballs into soap over the following week: http://www.health.ny.gov/environmental/emergency/chemical_terrorism/ammonia_tech.htm
Nasty! If you must contemplate the use of chemical warfare techniques on your fellow man, more recent techniques e.g. pepper spray will more likely cause temporary rather than permanent incapacitation of your opponent...

Remington Foxworthy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I am trying to reconcile not shooting up Motley Crue's Shout out the Devil and finding out that Lance is doing Oprah.

So Lance was doing you for three hours in NYC on multiple occasions and found you tolerable.

Now he is going to be Oprah for ninty minutes in his house on his red L couch.

Do you feel like you are also doing Oprah?

annonymoose said...

Guns N' Ammo-nia! Fuck Yeah!

gersplishida said...

babbles...maybe you should consider all of this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gnyc3wHxHLs&feature=player_embedded

Frilly said...

All right-y then! Not to worry, there's always some mishap in the wardrobe dept. Ask the guy who sits across the hallway from my office. Its gotten to where I don't even bother apologizing anymore.

ge said...

I think Snob felt an affinity to Calgary girl because of her desire to remain anonymous. Maybe she's Bike Snob CGY. Is there a BSCGY? She's not very snobby. MEC - MEH.

ge said...

affinity with? I dunno.

babble on said...

gersplishida - I consider all of the girls in the ad hot. Does that count?

It's the strangest thing. This phone may not swim, but it seemed to hold its breath alright. Still fine...

Maybe someone secretly sucked all of the air out and nano-coated it when I wasn't looking.

babble on said...

Frilly - yer funny. xo

Anonymous said...

Mine provides a nano-coat after you suck all the air out of it, too.

But give me a minute and I will be up for a back-side sloppy grind.

In a van....

Down by the river....

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Anonymous said...

This is not fair, because snobby didn't know lance whore was going to do the Oprah.

ce said...

Verb retard is fine, just never go noun retard.

Also, if you want free crap at least get their name right:

fu'k:it

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anonymous 6:52 AM-

Talk about coincidences!

I was looking for Christian Louboutin shoes and wound up here.

Honestly, what are the odds?

ce said...

Verb retard is fine, just never go noun retard.

Also, if you want free crap at least get their name right:

fu'k:it

Anonymous said...

Blogger Douglas Carnall said. Does anyone care enough to comment on my comment?(tears)

Anonymous said...

BSNYC
What the hell man?
You are going to be on Oprah with Armstrong?
You have now lost all of your punk credentials bro jangles.

vantage said...

Babbles, that works for me just fine.

And Frilly, has the guy across the hall blocked his door open so as not to miss the next 'mishap' ?

Guy across the hall said...

Did I miss something?

Frilly said...

Guy across the hall: I am sorry you are travelling today because I feel confident I have everything locked up tight. Yesterday was a disaster however I think you'll agree last Thursday when my dress kept getting caught in the BUMP & I had to yank it out everytime I stood up was worse. See ya when ya get back!

Cipo said...

Taking vulva pressure readings.

Anonymous said...

Maybe...just maybe they are like 2 lap dogs that are in the heat, as they say, and they want to get out and get randy.

Coincidentally is the guy across the hall named Randy?

paulb said...

Dollar van drivers have special licences don't they? You know, licenses to kill.

paulb said...

Dollar van drivers have special licences don't they? You know, licenses to kill.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to KNEEL BEFORE FRILLY.

cycle

Ben Bernanke said...

Happy Canadian @ 7:06: Will the 5 Fellatio be replacing the 1 Loonie as an official coinage of the realm in Canada?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said: "You state that you once had an incident, then state that "we" drunkenly drove. Who was driving?

Would everything be OK if it were a newer Volvo?

Was the pond in the middle of said snowstorm?"

I told we were fucked up.

Yarpo said...

It's 4:20pm here in Oa-Klandia. Time to load some skekkle and shmoke into the pleegle zone.

I'm too afraid to look at the hipster trailer after The Fear that was caused when viewing yesterday's Canodia video. The Commentariat reviews seem to bear this out.

Robert Mackey: what a bone-weasel!

Oprah and Lance? This is why I no longer have television. That, and I also can't afford it anymore but it's more fun to blame lance and Oprah.

naveed qumer said...

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Mark Bintuu said...

Really amazing cycle riding.

Nanotech News

T Barnaby said...

genetic cavities