Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I think it's Wednesday. Is it Wednesday? It's Wednesday, right?

Well, obviously the big news is that some dirtbag in Portland (redundant, I know) tried to strangle his girlfriend with his dreadlocks:


If you don't know what dreadlocks are, the local ABC affiliate was thoughtful enough to provide a definition:

The victim, who was not identified, told police her boyfriend, Caleb Grotberg, choked her with his dreadlocks, which are matted ropes of hair.

Clearly someone's been reading Wikipedia:


And here's another fascinating factoid from the same entry:

A common misconception is that those who have dreadlocks do not wash their hair, but this is usually not the case. Many dreadlock care regimens require the wearer to wash their hair up to twice a week.

Twice a week?!?  No wonder so many people in Portland are unemployed.  With a demanding haircare schedule like that, who has time to work?

Anyway, you'll be glad to know his victim was not seriously hurt:

The woman was taken to a Portland hospital where she was treated for “numerous, non-life-threatening injuries,” said Sgt. Pete Simpson of the Portland Police Bureau.

Fortunately, objectionable odors are rarely life-threatening.  Nevertheless, this is undoubtedly the worst alternative lifestyle fashion accessory-related assault in Portland since police ended the Prince Albert Assassin's genital piercing pulling spree in 1998:


(In the public restrooms of Portland in the 1990s, no urethra was safe.)

Ironically, the Prince Albert Assassin now has a prison job installing rivets into Brooks knockoff saddles.

The other big news of course is the Lance Armstrong x Oprah Winfried "collabo" currently in the works:


The consensus seems to be that one of two things is going to happen during this interview:

1) Lance Armstrong is going to confess to using performance-enhancing drugs;

or

2) He and Oprah are going to spend the entire 90 minutes having passionate sex while Larry King reads aloud from "Fifty Shades of Grey," which will cause everyone in the world to forget the whole doping controversy once and for all.

In the public relations business, scenario number two is what is known as a "pop culture hard reset."  It's basically the equivalent of mass electro-shock therapy, only it causes a lot more vomiting.

Either way, as we watched Armstrong stomp to (temporary) victory all those years, who would have thought it would all come down to an Oprah interview?  Already it feels like the final episode of "Seinfeld," and just like in that "Seinfeld" all the characters--even the minor ones--are coming back to feast on the media buffet and repeat their famous catch phrases one last time.  Even Robert Mackey is writing about it:

You may remember Robert Mackey as the guy who bought a Cervelo and decided to ride the Tour de France, and then got really upset because some people gave him a hard time about it:

"A lot of those people almost ruined that experience for me," notes Robert Mackey, a writer for The New York Times website, referring to writing The Climb, a blogged account of his time riding much of the Tour de France route this summer as a novice cyclist. While the overwhelming number of comments were positive, Mackey found that a group of self-described "bike snobs" kept sparking dozens of "weird, angry" comments that he had to edit, including the bizarre contention that he had no "right" to do what he was doing, or even that he should hand over his bike to a poorer, more "worthy" cyclist—a demand made by the cyclist himself. It was a black-hole conversation, one that produced infinite heat and no light.

"It was an unbelievable experience—like editing graffiti," remembers Mackey. "It makes you feel awful about the world."

What a literary NIMBY.  He didn't have to edit them; rather, he chose to edit them, because apparently he subscribes to the uniquely American view that everybody is supposed to unanimously celebrate everything you do, especially if you've spent large sums of money in order to do it.  If you want to pretend everyone in the world thinks what you're doing is fantastic, you probably shouldn't write about it on the Internet.

No, the proper venue for that sort of self-mythologizing is the Oprah show.

Anyway, no doubt there will be Oprah viewing parties next Thursday at bars everywhere, though the roadies won't be attending since 9:00pm is way past their bedtime, and also they're almost as afraid of bars as they are of dirt.  Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Oprah without including this:



I'm looking forward to having a good cry as I always do while watching Oprah, as well as to hard-hitting questions like, "What is a bike?"

Speaking of denial, awhile back I mentioned a film called "I Am Not A Hipster," and while I'm far too lazy to find the post in which I mentioned it, the filmmakers wanted me to let you know that it's showing in New York this Thursday.  Here's their new trailer:


I AM NOT A HIPSTER (Trailer Two) from Destin Daniel Cretton on Vimeo.

As you can see, this movie has something for everyone, assuming everyone is a hipster.  There are butts:


And hairstyles:


And fixie geared bikes:


And butts:


And also reviews:


Is that even supposed to be good?

Here's another review:


That's a blurb that, because of all the commas, I don't know if, he means he fell in love with the movie, or he fell in love with, hipsters.

I should disclose that the filmmakers have offered to send me a DVD of the movie, but I'm not going to accept.  That's because I'm a total hipster, and I only watch movies on VHS.  Everybody knows DVDs are the Armani Exchange of video formats.  Also, I don't want to give away the ending, but it turns out the main character has a stalker from Portland who strangles him to death with his dreadlocks.  Think "Talk Radio," only with dreadlocks instead of Jew-fros:


(I don't think Eric Bogosian is Jewish, but the character he played in "Talk Radio" was, which makes this a Jew-fro.)

Actually, there appear to be plenty of Jew-fros in "I Am Not A Hipster" as well, so if you're a total hipster I recommend having a fatal hairstyle VHS film festival and watching both movies back-to-back.

Lastly, Rabobank is now the Blanco Pro Cycling Team:


Here's the pitch:

A new team, a fresh start, a blank canvas. The Blanco Pro Cycling Team riders and staff are determined to create an upbeat and transparent future. We will play a role in taking cycling to where it belongs; in the heart and mind of cycling fans around the world. We will build and foster great cycling talent and we will inspire a new generation of riders and fans. The team is committed to perform at the highest level and we will do so in an honest and trustworthy way. We welcome you to join us on this ride. Ride the future.

"Transparency" is the new "laterally stiff yet vertically compliant."

123 comments:

Anonymous said...

Herbal remedy. Woo hoo!!!!

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Anonymous said...

yeah

cycle

Anonymous said...

And I thought it was - ZOD BEFORE NEAL.

Anonymous said...

Argh! I almost thought I'd got a podium spot. Oh well... :-)

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Dang beat by the mad spammer.

Anonymous said...

NOD BEFORE ZEAL.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ah nice he's gone!

Anonymous said...

Rabid blog commenters. Sure glad we dont' have any of that here.

cycle

3G said...

My vijay-jay is painin'

Anonymous said...

FEEL ZE BORE NOD.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

streepo said...

scranus

Serial Retrogrouch said...

cuntz

Anonymous said...

Babylon!

Comment deleted said...

Your Prince Albert-pliers guy caused me to hard-reset.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well let him out.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm a fan of the semicolon; evidently alex billington is not.

babble on said...

No time to worry about my urethra now - I've got to wash my hair!

ken e. said...

wednesday it is.

Oprahs Mom said...

I think Stedman would benefit from a little transparency.

Kenny said...

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY THAT OPRAH WINFREY'S CHANNEL IS NOT IN MY TIER OF PROGRAMMING.

I WISH BOTH OF THEM WOULD JUST BE FORGOTTEN ALREADY.

crosspalms said...

I plan to ride the future tomorrow.

zoomer said...

Scranus...top 20ish
)h and Weednesday panties!

Guy in the office across from Frilly said...

Damn, I hope I can get *something* done today.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Five Easy Pieces of Hipster Shit.

babble on said...

mmm, butts...

Anonymous said...

GREAT POST
I shared the linkway several times, before I had rear, to the, bottom, err, butts.

comma coma induced blandtacular meh

Anonymous said...

best thing about butts? anybody? anybody?

babble on said...

Yuppers, Snobbers, it's Weeeednesday today - all day, and half the night. It's a good day to be smiling astraddle the saddle even if the breast man didn't win.

mikeweb said...

Glad to see that Oprah is a proud sponsor of Recumbabe industries.

Anonymous said...

Does "Blanco" mean that they don't have any sponsors, so the spaces on the jersey where they put the sponsor names are left blanco (white)?

I vote they change the name to "Team Scranus."



balls™

JB said...

Missed opportunity Snobbers: you should have pasted nonplussed bib shorts guy in as one of the childhood Oprah pics. Next time, maybe.

babble on said...

anon@12:51 - they're great handles when you're doing it...
and they're fun to squeeze when you're not.

Like stress balls.

AICAR_is_the_new_EPO said...

Could Blanco be perhaps the Rabobank squad without the label?

FWIW, Rabo quit this year. In a shocking display of honor committed to finishing the UCI involvement for which they were contracted.

No more doping doctors either? I mean, Lienders did some good stuff for Rabo pre 2012, then did REALLY good stuff over at Sky in 2012.

Robert "black hole" Mackey said...

Fuck all y'all bike snobs!

Jimboner said...

Where butts lead I will happily follow.

mikeweb said...

The big jew-fro artist friend's art video at the very end of the hipster denial movie trailer looked a lot more interesting than the movie that the trailer was for.

And it took him 7 months to finish it. They missed the opportunity for him to say it took 9 months though, and have him call it his baby. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Did I use too many commas there?

mikeweb said...

Just sayin',,,

Brass Pole Installers said...

We're here to do some work. Where's Frilly's office ?

Benny Blanco From da Bronx said...

Whatta I gotta do to git sum respect up n hearzzzzzz? I bought a fuckin' cyclin' team cuz I like da fuckin' clothes.

Anonymous said...

That top-mounted hipster had a tight little ass.

Definately a "Just-pull-them-over-to-the-side-and-we-will-take-turns-holding-them-out-of-the-way-situation".

mikeweb said...

I think team Blanco should hire Michael Rasmussen as their new D.S.

Oh wait, he somehow got sponsorship for his own team. Nevermind.

Jed said...

Re: Winfrey/Armstrong Collabo
Predictable: Lance washing Oprah's feet
Possible: Lance sucking Oprah's toes
Doubtful: Chamois cream sharing scissor lock between host and guest.

Anonymous said...

Ride the future? Just shut up and ride now!

P. Bateman said...

i was going to ride the future too, but decided to ride a hipster instead. we used his luxurious dreadlocks to tie back undies off to the side of my leg so we could keep our hands free. he tried to strangle me with them too, but that was all planned as we were also listening to 50 shades on audio tape. i don't use audio MP3, i use reel to reel tape to have a more authentic, curated experience with the sound.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Lance is jumping the couch.

mikeweb said...

Lance interview confessional bingo.

Prizes galore!

Gaffer Smythe said...

Transparent aluminum is laterally stiff yet vertically compliant in some distant future.

Anonymous said...

Was the one "ruined" it for Mackey wearing an orange jumpsuit and smelled of booze?

mikeweb said...

P. Bateman,

Some friendly advice: 'harder' isn't a good safe word.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't even make it threw that stupid f%$%ing trailer I cant imagine being forced to watch that shit for 90mn

Bob Guccione said...

"A stunningly assured debut feature. Think LAST TANGO IN PARIS with margarine instead of butter."

Anonymous said...

YO P. make sure you tie a good taught girl scout knot cause if they come loose and get sucked up into the genital interface it ain't no good for anybody. Him, her, or the panties.

Depending on your tolerances, of course. It may not be an issue if he is running an under-sized probe.

Anonymous said...

It's good to know that some dud in Portland has dreads.

I thought they were all frail guys who dress like Paul Bunyan, or some Woodland period Indians.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe Jesus did that to his girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

Mediocre guitar skills + Mediocre poetry + Medicore singing + medicore stage presence = depressed Indie Rocker.

It's no wonder he's depressed, his mediocre talent and skills don't match his high level of hipster self-esteem.



Anonymous said...

I think Alex Billington is saying the movie will make US fall in love with HIM (or her), since s/he says "like me", rather than "as I did".

mikeweb said...

I'm not sure whether Alex Billington is or isn't a hipster, if he hates them or not, or if he does or doesn't love the movie.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Oprah can push Lances inner choad buttons and bring out the hate spewing alter ego Juan Pelota?

Anonymous said...

I´m baked, and just fell in love with a pair of BEAUTIFUL canadian legs...
I love wednesdays.

Comment deleted said...

Babs,

I'm going to try to remember and emulate your attitude on my next frickin' cold, rainy commute.

Maybe I just need to start wearing heels.

leroy said...

After Mr. Mackey's vacation blog, I wrote him that I hoped his feelings hadn't been hurt, he'd keep riding, and we'd meet on a ride some day.

Since then, whenever I see someone on a Cervelo on 9W, I pull alongside and ask "Bob, is that you?"

But all I ever get is funny looks.

Go figure.

Frilly said...

Brass Pole Installer--Does this mean I'm getting my very own fireman? Please, please!

That's awesome, MikeWeb.

leroy said...

All this kneeling before Zod just seems inconsiderate.

Shouldn't someone let Zod kneel first?

JB said...

Once and for all, I hope he proves his testicle count.

Comment deleted said...

Indeed. Show some ball, Lance.

Anonymous said...

It's puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again.

leroy said...

I tried to watch the "I Am Not A Hipster" trailer, but my dog kept shouting "popsicle" at the screen.

Sometimes I just don't get his humor.

Frankly, I thought it was like Apocalypse Now without the helicopters.

Or Pauly Shore's "Jury Duty."

Comment deleted said...

Leroy, in that light, it may be that Zod is too considerate; either that or passive-aggressive, I'm not sure.

grog said...

I'd vote for Team Scranus.
MSFR ILLY
GR8! BABE

Zod's in an Anon Sandwich said...

Anonymous before ZOD. Geez, get it right.

Frilly said...

LOVE GROG
KISS 4YOU

Anonymous said...

Just wait for Oprah's second interview with Lance in a few years....from prison.

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dreadlocked Dirtbag said...

I will be appearing on Oprah's Win for Free next week to answer scripted questions about these false accusations of strangulation. I just wanted to win

Herschel Raney said...

I may, overall, be frightened by this commentation community. I see there is a competition to be the first to post. Not sad really.

Also, why would anyone that owns a bicycle also watch Lance on Oprah? What the hell? If he weeps, will it help? Shit no, I will still want to kick him in the balls. Or wait...ball.

I think instead I will watch the sloth video ten more times.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrUM8m2rnP0&list=UUVpankR4HtoAVtYnFDUieYA&index=3

I will feel better.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Comment Deleted - Just smile and wave at all of the silly muppets stuck in traffic on their way to the gym. Or take a tally of all of the transit riders you know who are sick with the flu.

Heels are good, too, though. I have plenty - would you like to borrow a pair?

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Raney --

My dog advises that the link may be posted as

Sloth

I made him promise not to rickroll anyone.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 1:27pm said - '...Definately a "Just-pull-them-over-to-the-side-and-we-will-take-turns-holding-them-out-of-the-way-situation"...'...

...oft times, the mood shared is simply irreplaceable & yet panties simply being panties are definitely replaceable...

...suggestion - make it a part of the mood by tearing the fucking things apart 'til they're not interfering but leave the remnants 'til you're both satiated...

...the (extra) bonus ???...you get to go panty shopping with her later to pay for your 'misdeeds'...

...win / win situation all 'round...

...just sayin'...

Herschel Raney said...

Thanks for the linkage upgrade leroy.

I bow towards the northwest. Though you could be anywhere.

bikesgonewild said...

...ummm, frilly ???...if the 'man across the hall' reads this blog, you might wanna buy a cosh or some type of small bludgeon to hold him at bay, should he cross the threshold with 'intent'...

...unless, of course.........

JB said...

bgw, or pull out a knife, cut the offending fabric, and throw the knife into the nearest wall. Bonus: drywall compound shopping. nice...

bikesgonewild said...

...trouble with that, 'jb' is that even an edgy chick who digs the knife / panty thing is gonna lose the mood if you don't stick your throw at the wall...

...i mean, it bounces, takes a chunk out of the sheetrock, almost hits her cat (black, of course), rattles to the floor & you'll be lucky if she doesn't threaten to call her ex & her landlord as she hustles you out the door...

...your call...

Frilly said...

Not a chance, bgw! He's some little squirrelly accountant type w/a Napolean complex you wouldn't believe. He always asks, "Hot date tonight?" One of these days I'm gonna respond, "Nah, just a booty call."

Tool.

And, before anybody gets mad, I dated my accounting prof after college so I have nothing against the fine trade of accounting or teaching for that matter.

Comment deleted said...

Tempting, Babs, but if I do borrow 'em, the next thing you know, I'll be shaving my legs, and once *that* happens, I can't have fun riding my bike anymore.

Comment deleted said...

Also, I'll go out on a limb and say you don't have any in a Men's 14.

Anonymous said...

I do not leg shave. Reason being I feel it is an extremely festive/gay act. So my question concerns leg hairs ...

cornrows or dreads?

What! said...

In the immortal words of The Cipo ...

I came ...

I came ...

I came.

bikesgonewild said...

..."..."Nah, just a booty call..."...

...now, that's funny...but if he hears that, he might start sending flowers...

Frilly said...

Too cheap.

Guess Who said...

_________________ has never tested positive for charcter!

Fill in the blank.

Trailer Park Cyclist said...

I never know what's going on here. I thought Oprah was dead. Wasn't there some scandal about a guy writing a book he really didn't write about Howard Hughes or something? It is all so exhausting. How old is she, anyway? And isn't that Stedman guy the guy from those "interesting dude" beer commercials? How do you all keep up with all this? You have cable, don't you? That must be it. If you ask around the trailer park nobody...not one person has a clue who Lance Armstrong is.

One guy did say "He's that queer, ain't he?" I had to tell him the truth. "No, that's that guy from those fake mexican beer commercials."

It really is all too strenuous.

Devil guy with the pitch fork thingie said...

Did Eddie Merckx ever test negative?

Vegas said...

I've been driving so long I couldn't remember what day it is, thanks Snobber.

Since it is now possible to strangle someone with your locks, will TSA be instituting a maximum hair length?

Frilly, I have a Neopolitan Complex, does that count against me? But I will be calling on more than just your booty. I shall be accounting for all of your parts, and hopefully we will be teaching each other a few things!

Well I've refueled and replenished my stock of Slim Jims and Moon Pies, back on the road...

bikesgonewild said...

...vegas - drive safe, bro...watch fot radar.........

..."...I've been drivin' all night, my hand's wet on the wheel...
There's a voice in my head, that drives my heel...
It's frilly callin', says, "I need you here"...
An it's half past four, and I'm shifting gear..."

..."...the radio's playing some forgotten song...
Brenda Lee's coming on strong...
The road has got me hypnotized...
And I'm speeding into a new sunrise..."
...

...that's all i'm sayin'...

Yarpo said...

Yarpo said...

It's 4:20pm here in Oa-Klandia. Time to load some skekkle and shmoke into the pleegle zone.

I'm too afraid to look at the hipster trailer after The Fear that was caused when viewing yesterday's Canodia video. The Commentariat reviews seem to bear this out.

Robert Mackey: what a bone-weasel!

Oprah and Lance? This is why I no longer have television. That, and I also can't afford it anymore but it's more fun to blame lance and Oprah.

Slim Jims and Moon Pies.....yum.

Vegas said...

Thanks bgw, good drivin music is always a boon.

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Anonymous said...

Life imitates Art...:
I'm the one that killed your precious cat, and stuffed him in your fucking
mailbox
If I only hadn't cut off my hair, I'd choke you with all my dreadlocks
When I scream at the moon every night (Heh heh!)
You shouldv'e known something just ain't right
'Cuz I'm gonna slap you
And the I'm going to kill you
('Cuz the moon told me to, and it's watching us right now)

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Cipo said...

Back in the day Brenda Lee came on real strong. She put me in a sleeper hold and when I woke up three days later my penis had apparently been tattooed with the word TONY on each side. When I get erect it reads TICONDEROGA NEW YORK. True story. Honest.

Frilly said...

Wow Vegas, where to start? Yes, exploration is a very good thing and I am a quick study, and I adore Neopolitan in all its creamy glory. And, Slim Jims and Moon Pies--who the hell needs Whole Foods?!?

Herschel Raney said...

Can we not have the shoe sale link poster killed? Does Snob have any favors to call in? Hell, I'll do it myself for a new set of Easton EC90s.

My God. What have I become?

Comment deleted said...

Herschel,

I will settle for a good flensing.

Anonymous said...

A new and better cycling team. Sounds like the same ole shit to me. Maybe they will be so transparent we won't be able to see them.

babble on said...

poor vito...

no hay banda said...

I like orange.
No quiero blanco.

ge said...

Trailer Park Cyclist, not only is Oprah alive, according to Anon 4:08, she's going to jail.

Anonymous said...

Hey man don't dis the Oprah.
She migh have lost the hard cutting news journalist Afro that she had, but her landing strip bikini waxing runs right into a Bozo the clown beaver.

africansingle said...

@anon 12.41 For fuck's sake man....I spewed a mouthful of Jungle oats on my screen at that.

The Noticer said...

I really like how the Portland Police Badge Insignia on the mugshot is a Starbucks collabo. Nice touch.

Opera Book Club said...

Martin Amis never had to edit graffiti.

Anonymous said...

A friend alerted me to the fact that some twittererer has created a Lance/Oprah "statement bingo" card. It's rather amusing...

hey nonny mouse

(back off of holiday)