Friday, January 18, 2013

BSNYC Frideay Fun Quiz Long Weekend See You Tuesday Bye!

Firstly, this blog will be CLOSED FOR BUSINESS on Monday, January 21st, because I am going to be busy as fuck honoring the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. by sculpting him in cheddar cheese.  Well, actually the blog will be open for business in that you will be able to read it, it's just that I won't be typing any new words into it until Tuesday, January 22nd.  So I'll see you then, and if you have a problem with that then you're a racist.

Secondly, I missed the first few minutes of Oprah last night.  So did he admit it or what?

By the way, after a viewer alerted me to the Lance Armstrong interview countdown clock on OWN I opened a bottle of blended wine and tuned in to watch the seconds tick down:


Nearly three hours later I was purple-teeth wine-drunk and crying, and the Armstrong interview hadn't even started yet.  I then watched the interview, and then the re-broadcast of the interview that immediately followed, plus another six hours of OWN programming before finally going to bed sometime around sunrise.  Such power and dignity Oprah has!  This woman seized control of my heartstrings for like 12 hours and rode my emotions as expertly as a Mongol horseman controls his steed.  Sure, I'm no longer a cycling fan, but I am now a proud OWN audience member and "O, The Oprah Magazine" subscriber for life--and I have the ink to prove it:


What's that French expression again?  Ah, yes.  Shampoo, Oprah Winfrey.  Shampoo.

As for Armstrong, we'll have to wait for part two to learn more about his motives, but I'm surprised he didn't try to blame his actions on the "hipster lifestyle:"


Evidently, being a hipster ultimately results in driving your parents' Mercedes into a house:

The allure of Brooklyn was her boyfriend’s circle of friends and the hipster lifestyle that was going on at that period of time — the drinking, the drugging,” LoTurco added.

The good-girl-turned-loft-dwelling-hipster was drunk when the car in which she was a passenger destroyed the home of a 96-year-old Huntington resident in May.

I was quite surprised to read this in the New York Post.  Previously they had led me to believe the pernicious effects of the "hipster lifestyle" involved bicycle riding, and that cyclists were terrorizing the city.  Now apparently the problem is that hipsters are driving drunk.  The Post had better be careful though, or else someone might get the idea that cars are more dangerous than bikes and that something should be done about it, and we can't have that.  It would be as unthinkable as the RadioShack cycling team continuing to operate--which, amazingly, they are.  They even picked a new jersey:


Thank goodness for Nashbar discount codes.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a cyclist on a rotating dais.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and happy cheese sculpting.



--Wildcat Rock Machine





("Black Power!")

1) According to Bradley Wiggins, the '90s is:

--"Pretty much a write-off now."
--"A musical wasteland, with the exception of Oasis."
--"A flannel-clad nightmare."
--"A cunt."








2) This car is inspired by:

--A motorcycle
--A fixie
--A velomobile
--A suppository








3) Fact or "Portlandia" plot: A Portland woman recently got stuck between two buildings and had to be rescued with soapy water.

--Fact
--"Portlandia" plot







(Wow, that polar bear sucks!)

4) Fact or "Portlandia" plot: Water freezes in Portland and chaos ensues.

--Fact
--"Portlandia" plot








(Hipster.)

5) "Kindling" is:

--A new energy fuel for cyclists
--A wilderness-inspired Brooklyn restaurant where you cook your own food over a fire
--A quarterly parenting journal for artisanal fathers
--The new mass market bamboo commuter from Specialized








(Big.  Tube.  Now that's good spondee.)

6) According to author and Brooklyn transplant Martin Amis, not only does his new borough have great spondee, but it's also:

--"So philoprogenitive"
--"Noxiously vituperative"
--"Like residing deep within the recesses of a vast vagina dentata"
--"The balls"








7) Missed Connection fill-in-the-blank:

To the girl eating a bagel I rode past you on my bike yesterday. We saw each other. I was wearing the ________________:

--"Massive beard"
--"Colorfull beanie" [sic]
--"Loepard-skin man-tights" [sic]
--"Imposing penis gourd"




***Special Bonus Sleep-Inducing Smugness Porn Video***






110 comments:

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE LANCE.

M said...

BHam

Anonymous said...

That was me (ZOD)

McFly said...

Cfly

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten!

McFly said...

ZOD I had your ass covered and got all jammed up in the Chain Drop Capcha.

I am M.

Dan said...

but I read it!

*herogot 6680

Anonymous said...

Doper!

JB said...

Top ten doper!

Anonymous said...

Really? First time podium? DOH! per

mikeweb said...

Could've been top dog, but read it first.

Also, I love the word 'pernicious'. It reminds me of the word pornicious, which of course reminds me of pornolicious.

Some of the quiz answers were disappointing. I was hoping for 'imposing penis gourd' and 'the balls'.

Comment deleted said...

When it snows, the Dutch don't take the bus.

I had a wonderful 'Wedenesday' experience in 's-Hertogenbosch once.

The more 'Wednesday' it got, the further I got from being able to pronounce the full name of the town. I'll just call it 'Den Bosch', thanks.

Anonymous said...

They didn't all dope, just the winners.

Spandix?

Martin Anus said...

I never doped, but I did call Emma O'Reilly a dirty slut, Betsy Andreu an obese whale, and I snuck into Lemond's house and left a big steaming turd on his maillot jaune from 1989.

I'm not apologizing.

Jimboner said...

Thanks for nuthin, guess I will have to watch the interview now.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Oprah's gonna sponsor her OWN cycling team...Lance the ds.

crosspalms said...

I liked the guy cycling with an umbrella.

Anonymous said...

Kneel before Babbleboots!!!!! Oh Canada!

SPAMbot said...

SpamBOT needs to DOPE for captcha

wishiwasmerckx said...

First substantive Lance comment:

We were promised that no area of inquiry was off limits, yet he punted several times (I'm not here to name names; the Indianapolis hospital conversation), and Oprah let him off the hook completely with no follow-up question at all.

As a big Les Mis fan from long before the movie came out, his Jean Valjean reference was not lost on me. Asked whether he regretted not cooperating with USADA, he said:

"This woman leaves behind a suffering child. There is none but me who can intercede. In mercy's name, three days is all I need. Then I'll return, I pledge my word..."

Anonymous said...

Close call, McFly. We should have done a hands together over the line like Ulrich-Armstrong did that time when one of them waited for the other in that bike race that one time after one of them had their chain slip. It was a chain slip, wasn't it? (ZOD)

babble on said...

Happy Friday, peeps!

McFly said...

Muskrat Susie
Muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land
And they shimmy
And Sammy's so skinny


CAPN TNLE

theEel said...

weed.

DNK said...

The "I didn't call her fat" comment was bizarre, as was the smirk on his face when he said it. This was a woman who Lance went after with a phalanx of attorneys, whose name he besmirched for years, and whose husband's career Lance deep-sixed.

The problem with Lance is that he didn't just deny cheating. The problem is that he went out of his way to ruin people who stood in the way of his cover-up. And then he goes on freaking Oprah to set the record straight. What a guy...

P. Bateman said...

i thought the best line from that interview with mr. what's his face the esteemed british writer guy (which i actually found to be an interesting read) was this:

"you could tell from his eyes that he'd been renting his ass for something or another..."

quite right! bully!

also, what was that snow bike riding video about? was it just pointing to the fact that in some of those euro "countries" that the tax rates are so insanely high that it's residents can only afford bikes and therefor have to ride them in the snow? that was my takeaway.

lastly - the lance thing was entirely too boring. i turned it back to gorilla porn on Nat. Geo after like 8 minutes.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Marcel da Chump actually said something funny! McFly is definitely doping since he for some reason posted the lyrics to Muskrat Love.

Anonymous said...

Onion headline: Lance lies about everything except the "fat" part.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

happy friday and MLK bday.

ride safe everyone... i got T-boned by a cabbie yesterday on the riverside bike path is separated from the highway! so never let your guard down.
bike is fine, and so am i. cabbie was shaken though.

mikeweb said...

@Retrogrouch,

I often take that way when going home after work. Might even today....

So, was it a taxi waiting to pull onto the highway, or pulling off? I'm very leary of the ones pulling off into the Circle line, etc. I always check over my shoulder before those crossings.

Glad to hear you and your ride are OK.

streepo said...

Perfect score

getyNo 3562

Buffalo Bill said...

A massive penis gourd is also very philoprogenitive, whatever that means.

1297 Listerse

pqbuffington said...

No shoe covers?!?!?

Are they mad in the Nederland!

the commentariat said...

Anon 12:41, I thought it was a nip slip, not a chain slip...

McFly said...

No, I believe Jan Ulrich had ventured off into the undergrowth to forage for small edible roots and berries (purple, always purple) in order to muster enough strength to beat Lance up the hills.

Anonymous said...

Is it a requirement in the Netherlands to have your seat too low and ride a gear too high? My knees ache from watching.

Emittor 3897

3G said...

No crashes in the video? Is there anything the Norsk CAN'T do in the snow?!

Anonymous said...

New Jersey in the new season looks even worse than it did last season.

(note: Not a Sandy joke! Timeless, savage truth about Jersey.)

Commie abroad said...

Bad week, I caught my fake Internet mistress having an affair with Lance Armstrong 's conscience.


Also fake.


Fuck sports.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Funny? No way! I'm serious.

Frilly said...

P. Bateman-I was flipping back & forth between Sweet Genious. That guy is weird but I like the show anyway.

I did catch the part about Betsy Andreu. What a jackass. I hope their 40 minute conversation was her telling him how the payoff should be made and the wording of the public apology. May or may not happen sadly.

Mehjor Taylor said...

he he, Martin Amis called scientists "white-haired old cunts." Has anyone ever seen Stanley Wiggins and Martin Amis in the same room?

leroy said...

Aced the quiz!

My dog says that makes it official: I have no life.

But he is so wrong.

I got up extra early this morning to ride over to the Acme fish factory in Williamsburg to get us lox for the weekend. I think I saw Marty Markowitz there, but didn't bother to ask. (He's a little short for his weight; he should revive that Lighten Up Brooklyn program or ride a bike in one of our Borough's lovely bike lanes.)

My dog slept in.

Smoked salmon fetching and a possible celebrity sighting versus sleeping in on a cold, windy morning.

Oh yeah, I got a life.

My dog has a dog's life.

His riding buddies say he's living life of Riley, but I don't know who that is.

Ride safe all!

ge said...

The real danger is having parents with Mercedes'. No rich parents, no hilpster scourge in Brooklyn. They can all ironically move to Vegas and squat in houses which possess the delicious irony of being cheaper than a Mercedes.

Seriously wiwm, Lance doesn't want to be sued for telling the truth.

leroy said...

serialretrogrouch -- glad to hear you are okay!

I've been extra careful near the ferry drop off/pick up crossing on the WSH. A cab cut me off last night, but I avoided him.

Sorry you weren't as lucky.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

@leroy and @mikeweb,

i was coming down the path, just south of the intrepid where that ferry terminal is... i saw the cabbie turning from the west side highway, slow down because there were two cyclists ahead of me, and just 'trusted' that he would be smart enough to look to see if there's a third... but no... he hit me so hard on my left side that i flew off and rolled three times... i guess my body took the impact which is why the bike was ok. i was glad the bike was ok because it took me a year to design and build it. luckily, my body heals on its own without having to use a torch.

cabbie was apologetic and shaken... said he learned his lesson. i learned my lesson too: NEVER trust a cabbie.

safe riding to all.

Commie abroad said...

"NEVER trust a cabbie.."

I got in a cab for the airport and when we arrived, he asked me for money!

True story.

Anonymous said...

I'm a huge fan of being sneaky.
So, once again my hat is off to Mr. Armstrong.
That cooky sociopath actually managed to cheat at cheating.
Well done, my brutha!
As the French (99% of whom would kill you on sight)would say, 'chapeau', asshole.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i got in a cab from the airport once and we arrived, he switched off the meter and said it's broken. switched it back on and gave me a receipt for $2, but asked for $45. true story.

Turd Ferguson said...

Who's the cunt with Wiggins?

ersibig 6144

McFly said...

I been trying to eat right.

Right after she gets out of the shower......

CIPO PSSY

JB said...

Tastes like soap?

mikeweb said...

I don't trust anyone not to do anything boneheaded.

Except Lance. I trust him 100% now. Especially since he hasn't fired his lawyers, because lawyers never tell you to lie, right? Not even when you're not under oath?

McFly said...

There is an imposter in our midst.


HESA PERV

Just Asking for It said...

Hey, from one frequent West Side bikeway rider to all you guys with hair-raising stories about near misses with cabs crossing the route:

Have you tried stopping when the little bike traffic light is RED?

mikeweb said...

Just Asking for It,

I don't think your name has the meaning you were going for. Those little green light thingies with the bike picture on them are actually green when the situations described above often occur.

Those lights are green when the lights on the WSH are also green, except in cases where there is a left turn green on the north bound WSH or a crossing green on streets perpendicular to the WSH.

If you had ridden the Hudson river bike path more than twice in each direction and were actually paying attention you would known that. But please feel free to come back and comment when you have something intelligent to say.

bikesgonewild said...

...fucking cabbies...glad you're okay, cerealretrogrope...

...re: oprah - honestly dunno what to make of a guy who in (sorta) admitting he's wrong, continues to make hisself look bad...'humble' is definitely not lance armstrong's middle name...

...btw, thank you, babble on for the link you posted early this morning...my schedule has me missing the actual interview but that offered a good follow up...

maybe I have a blogger account, maybe I don't said...

McFly, I guess one of them really is you. Between you and Frilly dropping your blogger accounts, that's the risk you take. Maybe, you're onto something.

ledgito 1835 - almost sounds "legit", how apropos

bikesgonewild said...

...re: yesterday's question via babble on..."...Where's the kinkiest place you've ever done it?..."...

...madam, please...whilst patently admitting to having a creatively kinky side with decidedly sleazy overtones, i do remain a gentleman & thus, to protect the reputations of various women, zoo animals & erstwhile locations, i remain, with lips sealed...

...at least until the manuscript is finished & i've decided on a publisher...

...(159 wisucts - hmmm)...

Yarpo said...

Serial Retrogrouch, glad you're okay and not being rebuilt like Steve Austin.
(ZOD)!!! Congrats! Your planet is, I'm sure, proud while kneeling until their multiple foreheads hit the floor.
Philoprogenitive. How much do I have to take before my penis enlarges enough to burst spandex? Can I get a twelve-pack?
Lance? Just have sex with Oprah already and get it over with so we can get on with our lives.

2911 playfel

Matt said...

I was in Amsterdam in October and with heroic self-restraint managed to come back home and NOT blog about it! Until now. They ride a lot of pretty shitty bikes, heavy, in need of lube, with inadequate cargo space (other than those bakfiets, of course), with broken lights and lots of rust. Also, they gather around railings and lightpoles like mussels on a dock. On the other hand they all seem to be tall good-looking fine-legged specimens, so maybe flogging 50 pound three speeds around all day, even on flat land, is good for you. It actually all seemed like terrific fun.

Aavelow 7 (even sounds kind of Dutch)

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No shit here's my captcha:

hiopra 170

Matt said...

I was in Portland in 2007 and left and about two days later they had an ice storm. This exquisite video was taken on an extremely icy street. The first guy hits so many other cars they could do that moonwalking bear thing across it while you try to count them up.

hlthum 2871 (how long before we start hitting 'refresh' until we get a cool captcha?)

Just Asking for It said...

Hi, mikeweb-

No, I didn't mean the name to apply to anybody but me; I knew I was going to get flamed.

But I've ridden the bike route between Dyckman and Clarkson many, many times, over many years now.

I've found that as long as I obey signals and stop signs I never have trouble with motor vehicles on that route. It's designed that way, and I find the design works. I also observe that very few other cyclists stop at those lights unless a crossing bus or something is threatening, or yield to pedestrians in crosswalks either.  

I'm sorry that you and some others are having a worse experience on it, and I hope it improves for you.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

This morning the streets were coated with frost. It looked like I was riding on glitter. (I go to work before sunrise)

GhostOfTyrone said...

Andrew? Ahn Dray You.

Ann Drew? Ahn Dray You.

André You? Ahn Dray You.

Multiple Tour de Frances? Whoppers Junior.

leroy said...

Just asking for it --

Mike web's description of how the lights work undermines your theory.

About a hundred yards south of the ferry crossing, you'll see a ghost bike. It's for Dr. Nachman. He was killed by a tow truck making a right on a green while he was riding on the bike path going straight on a green.

The problem is that cars don't always look or yield when turning. It's a classic right hook accident.

Anonymous said...

I framesaver that!

annonymoose said...

I could listen to Lance spew his BS for a while, but I could NOT listen to Tyler Hamilton. Mostly because I was completely distracted by the mad black mop on his head. WTF?

leroy said...

I meant Dr. Nacht, not Dr. Nachman.

http://gothamist.com/2008/08/22/ghost_bike_knocked_down.php

I put my hand on my heart when I pass the ghost bike. Same with Eric's ghost bike a little further south (hit from behind by drunk in a BMW driving on the bike path).

Cipo Industries said...

The new 2013 line of 'Cipo' tongue weights are in the shops fans. Never let 12th cranial nerve flaccidity throw a monkey wrench into your cunnilinguis delivery technique.

Cipo tongue weight training allows almost anyone to eat like the Loin King!

Douche' Bigelo said...

Aluminum Taxi?

Titanium Taxi?

Carbon Fiber Taxi?

Bamboo Taxi?

You are what you something or other.

FAKE WNTR said...

Oh those fake winter cycling videos, how I hate them, and I live in a fake winter (marine moderated) climate!

Anonymous said...

Lance is a hipster minimalist who only owns 54 things.

ge said...

Whoa, I just flipped past Oprah and she was interviewing some former bike racer. Her new network must be tanking. Her net worth must be taking a big hit.

ge said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Martin Amis said...

Oprah Winfrey

Lance Interview

Now that's some good spondee!

Shut up.

toffivi 1932 = bad spondee

That's what she said...

smamaste 37

McFly said...

s

e

x

Anonymous said...

Its too bad Lance wasn't a real athlete, he rode a bicycle, thats what 8-year olds do. If he played a real sport like baseball or football, this might matter. Im amazed that he was able to make so much money pedalling that stupid bicycle while wearing those ridiculous shorts. Look at how skinny he was, obviously those peds didnt help his physique any, he was probably the kid that got stuffed in the locker in high school. He looks more like he's on meth than peds. Obviously he's using this opportunity now to cash in and probably write a book about his hard times. He's made millions riding a stupid bicycle. The only reason I ever watched that crap was to see someone crash.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 6:35am...well that certainly elicited a yawn...

...being as you haven't chosen a blog identity for yourself, may i suggest "...ambien..." ???...

Flammer said...

Anon 6:35 is fat, has unpleasant unhygienic habits that leave him socially isolated, doesn't vote, wants to own a gun, but can't afford one and has an exercise regime that is limited to opening a fridge door and slumping into his chair. No-one in his trailer park likes him.

Lets be honest, he's a cunt.

bikesgonewild said...

...are you suggesting you've found your soulmate due to your similar qualities, flammer ???...

Anonymous said...

Bikesgonewild and Flammer should marry each other.

Glad it wasn't on PBS said...

Tuned into the Lance & Opera Show hoping that Leroy's dog would be curled up at Lance's feet and he'd growl every time his detectometer nose sniffed out a lie. But the producers must have decided viewers would never hear a word Lance said. No dog, so I flipped over to a news channel where I hear Son of Fiscal Cliff is looming just over the horizon.

Matt said...

Funny that Anon 6:35 thinks baseball and football matter.

McFly said...

Pick up Lance's new book "It's not about the Spike" at fine Flobotomy Training Clinics everywhere.

wishiwasmerckx said...

What bothers me about the interview was that Lance mostly said all the right things in carefully-crafted sound bites, but his body language consistently betrayed his words.

There was a MAJOR disconnect between the two which causes me to be suspect about the entire thing. I conclude that we saw only a sliver of the truth.

I'm so verclempt over the whole thing that I am contemplating never drinking another Michelob Ultra.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

I continue to be amazed by obsessive disapproval of Lance by so many people. It suddenly struck me as being like the obsessive disapproval of Nixon by an earlier generation, without the horrible historic consequences.

That earlier obsession doomed Ford's presidency, which led us to Carter's presidency, which doomed us to Reagan, which really screwed us up. Hard to know how things might have been different, but it's easy to see how obsessive umbrage can cloud the mind to looming unintended consequences.

Not that Lance's trouble is of any such importance, but jeez guys; get a grip. The sooner you let it go, the quicker we can get past.

PJT said...

What I noticed in the Lance interview wasn't so much what he said but that Oprah gave him a pass by not asking what should have been obvious follow-up questions. It made me think the whole thing was staged. Like when G. W. Bush was campaigning and held completely scripted phony "Town Hall Meetings".

Phil K. said...

Check out this 2001+/- Nike-Lance TV ad "What Am I On"

http://mashable.com/2013/01/18/lance-armstrong-nike-ad-what-am-i-on/

McFly said...

wiwm,
Totally agree about the body language. It's like there are 2 people living in him. Which there is.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...i have to admit that i certainly feel much better about that young man now that i've seen the warmth, contrition & sincerity emanating from his exposed & obviously 'oh so honest' soul...


bikesgonewild said...

...holy shit...i was just struck by lightning out of a clear blue sky...

...no more 'cancer jeezus' jokes...

Lumpen frededariat said...

Oh Babble Rouser, your url mated with one of Snob's, had to pry them apart, and then there were no camel toes...

Fred Douche' said...

If you actually took the time out of your life to watch the Oprah Lance staged media event you have no life. Anyone who did not realize that Lance doped resides mentally in La La Land. I bet that Lance got 2 or 3 million to bare what would be his soul if he had one? Do you really think that a person with the internal drive who beat everyone is going to be a nice guy? Like Santa Claus. Right.

babble on said...

Cheers, Lumpen. Let's try this again, shall we?

I couldn't watch the Pope-rah meets the Lyin' King show... did I miss anything?

babble on said...

Dearest Douche,

Thank you for living up to your name. It was never about whether or not he doped, silly, everyone knows he did. It was about what he had to say for himself.

And what are you really trying to imply about Santa?

McFly said...

100nd

bikesgonewild said...

..."...It was about what he had to say for himself..."...

...absofuckingluteamundo...

Wiggo said...

Fook'in Cuntz

Pfreddie Douche' D.D.S. said...

I make it a practice to not be trolled at BSnyc commennts but I will relent on this one occasion ...


babble @ 12:14 PM

What was he supposed to say back in the day? I dope but I don't really mean it? I dope because I can't resist? I dope because puppet master Bruneel my Director Sportif decrees that I do it for the team, the organization?

And what are you really trying to imply about Santa?

Santa like the human who when in a position to make millions upon millions of dollars, attract velo groupies like a chick magnet and being continually praised and glorified turns down the money because it's the right thing to do, is a character, like Santa, who resides only in fictional literature written to an audience who believes in Santa and such.

babble on said...


Trolled is as trolled does... :)

McFly said...

There are more than two people occupying my scranus.

P. Tang said...

babble,

you cool

Martian Anus said...

Snob gets MLK holiday? With pay?

Well taint that Spondeescranusically and Iambically not fair?

ce said...

SPON DEEE

babble on said...

You can count me in as one of the three people who are missing you today, Sir Snobalot...

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