Friday, January 25, 2013

BSNYC Friday Repository of the Sum of All Human Knowledge!

Okay, I don't have a lot of time, and you don't have a lot of time, so let's get right to it.

Just kidding!


(Just kidding.)

I actually have tons of time because I don't really do anything.  Sure, I'll do a little artisanal fathering now and again, and once in awhile I might get it it together to make a sandwich, but that's about it.  Really, the only time my life gets even remotely complicated is when I try to hold a cup of coffee and my smartphone at the same time, which is why I'm very glad these guys are solving my one and only problem by inventing this:


Uppercup - The first cupholder for the iPhone. Order yours now at: indiegogo.com/uppercup from Natwerk on Vimeo.

A reader recently forwarded me this invention, and while it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with bikes, it does have a lot to do with being really stupid, so I figure it's fair game.  Also, I'd be very grateful if someone could explain this guy's pants to me:


They look like a stained glass window recreated in velvet.

The inventors of the Uppercup are Frank and Reuben:


These are the guys who are going to make the ledge and very probably all other flat surfaces on which you might otherwise rest a cup of coffee obsolete, so remember their names.  Just so you don't forget, that's Frank:


And Reuben:


I'm thinking about maybe getting it together to make a sandwich a little later, except all I have in the fridge is caviar and duck fat.

Anyway, be sure to invest in the Uppercut if you're too much of a "woosie" to simply rest your coffee on the hood of somebody's parked car.

Also, in other reader-forwarded news, Mario Cipollini has gone into the ladies' clothing business, with predictable results:


That top is called the "Nippollini."

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see recumbents on ice.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and watch out for thin ice.


--Wildcat Rock Machine




(The Bloomberg soda ban would put an end to the enormous beverages LeMond enjoyed throughout his career.)

1) Greg LeMond appeared in an advertisement for which fast food chain?

--Taco Bell
--Arby's
--Long John Silver's
--Artie O'Sclerosis and Angie O'Plastie's Irish-American Burger Chalet






(Mario Cipollini's body is fluent in the language of love.)

2) Bicycling recently analyzed the body language Lance Armstrong used during his interview with Oprah Winfrey.  Which of the following behaviors was not included in the analysis?

--"Inappropriate nodding"
--"Teeth-baring"
--"Jaw and neck tension"
--"Involuntary nipple secretions"






3) Suspended pro cyclist Levi Leipheimer recently took part in:

--An alleycat
--An unsanctioned mountain bike ride
--A "Wolfpack Hustle"
--A game of "USADA Reasoned Decision beach volleyball" with fellow suspended riders Dave Zabriskie, George Hincapie, Michael Barry, Christian Vande Velde, and Tom Danielson







("Come on, I'm late for a stock photography shoot!")

4) Drivers cover what percentage of US road spending?

--100%
--75%
--50%
--5%






"Well that's a myth. I never actually raced against Lance Armstrong. In my whole reign [sic] really. I raced once against him in the Criterium International 2004, never at the Tour de France... um yeah so that was the only time really."

5) Bradley Wiggins does not remember racing against Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France.

--True






“That was the thing that upset me the most about 2009 and 2010. I thought, ‘you lying bastard.’ I can still remember going toe-to-toe with him, watching him and his body language. The man I saw at the top of Verbier in 2009 to the man I saw on the top of Ventoux two weeks later, it wasn’t the same bike rider. Watch the videos and see the way the guy was riding. I just don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth anymore."

6) Not only does Bradley Wiggins remember racing against Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France, but he totally knew he was doping.

--True






(Steampunk Garmin)

7) Cyclists of the future will navigate cities by using:




***Special Bret-Inspired Career Choice-Themed Bonus Question***



Make a difference with a career in:



113 comments:

JB said...

Nippolini!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

OK who wants to check my flatulence passport?

Anonymous said...

What, what?

Anonymous said...

Podium?

Anonymous said...

Close!!!

McFly said...

Did not want to podium. This place has an awesome beer tent instead.

Anonymous said...

AGGHH beat at the sprint to the podium by poser anonymous

Serial Retrogrouch said...

top teen...
and i take my leave!

Anonymous said...

Top Ten!

Anonymous said...

Must be cold in here today. Also, that "Just Kidding" photo never gets old.

Anonymous said...

Coasted in.

JY1 said...

Artisinal Fathering. Brilliant.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i flunked the test because you put the hyperlink under the uppercup vid.

Anonymous said...

STILL LOVE YOU A LOT LANCE!

McFly said...

It looks as though the Hilpster with the incredibly sexy hair and Ruben the fakerjack are going to revolutionize the way we spill our Starbucks coffee.

babble on said...

ACED it!! Even sick, I've still got it. The Robba the Fords news definitely triggered a relapse.

You'll find me in the loo...

Ralpha-ing.

DB said...

More dirndls, please.

Anonymous said...

The artisanal way to spill coffee on smartyphone

lifereba 2452

Too old to do this, squinting to prove I Am Not A Robot

babble on said...

My poor phone spends way too much time in the bottom of the toilet to be in such close proximity to hot coffee.

Anonymous said...

No mention of scranus yet? I will - SCRANUS! WRM RTMS required it a few posts ago

babble on said...

Dear snobbums. Thank you for nippolini.

Just one thing...

nipples are much cuter without coveringways.

Ok. Maybe shiny, sparkly pasties are ok, too, but really, naked is best.

Just sayin.

xo

Marcel Da Chump said...

Farty pants.

Anonymous said...

babble on: "My poor phone spends way too much time in the bottom of the toilet to be in such close proximity to hot coffee."

That's because you … wait … what?

3G said...

BRaaaap

Comment deleted said...

Cippolini is in women's clothing. That caught me by a complete lack of surprise.

DB said...

We don't have too many BMW's here in the Heartland, so I can't comment on their road rage.
The Midwestern cyclists' sworn and avowed enemy is the milk truck driver. We travel the same blacktop and they take great joy in aiming for us.
The Buick Century is also a red flag vehicle as the driver is always over 75 and is oblivious to everything.
Hit the ditch when encountering both.

Anonymous said...

Those jeans are the newest Rapha offering.

308fementy.

Anonymous said...

Round these parts an old S10 with an ATV slung sideways in the back is a "brace for impact" kinda thing.

Anonymous said...

Everytime I see a beautiful model I wish there was a number below her in the corner with an * depicting how well she can slob a knob. On a scale of 1-5.

It goes unsaid that ball-treatment and being a trooper to the very end warrants the elusive 5.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I laid down an artisinal fart in the elevator this morning.

Anonymous said...



The penetrating gaze of the Nippolini model is simply mesmerizing.

Anonymous said...

Wait a min...
Is there cheese on that "reuben"?
9The sanwhitch, not the faux jack.)

mikeweb said...

At the 50 second mark of the Ice Bat video it seems like it turned into a video about stress testing a brassiere.

My guess is that the Nipollini would've failed miserably on that particular subject.

Aerononymous said...

Cipo's clean.

At least he's not copped to anything more than the occasional feel yet, right?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Actually, Artsy Fartsy Pants.

Aerononymous said...

@wishiwasmerckx January 25, 2013 at 12:56 PM

Isn't that known as an artisinal toaster oven?

McFly said...

Dammit to hell. I watched that whole Ice Bat video and thought it was going to get awesome at the end and that linebacker on the red one was going to mow those ice skaters down Ice Bat Ninja Style.

Anonymous said...

Forget everything I've ever said about recumbents. If I were on a frozen lake I would ride one. If it had a vibrator built in.



balls™

The King of Park Slope's robot said...

Ostensibly, New Scientist scrubbed all the comments indicating how fucking stupid their vibrator is.

Anonymous said...

Ice Bat has Babble written all over it.

Other than her perpetually hot vajayjay melting the thin ice it would be good times fer sure.

crosspalms said...

Commute this morning was enlivened by a guy pulling his car into the 2-way buffered bike lane to let a passenger out. I tapped on his trunk and said "you're in the bike lane." He jumped out and said "Don't touch my car," I said "you're in the bike lane," he said "Don't touch my car," I said "you're in the bike lane" -- it was pretty 4th grade. Best part was him backing up to tap my front wheel and then driving off. Not a BMW, but apparently he aspires to have one.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I think I would rub a sail on my ice bent and then 2/3 of the time I wouldn't even have to pedal.

DB said...

Crosspalms: don't do that in a state with concealed firearms carry laws. Unless you're carrying as well.
Studied dirndls last night in case they were on the quiz.

Fred Zeppelin said...

H A M M E R
O F
T H E
G O D S

Anonymous said...

I like the pastry story, especially.

bikesgonewild said...

...look for my new porn video - "...two girls, one i-phone cup holder..."...

...be forwarned - it's shitty any way you look at it...

PatrickBateman said...

that ice bat thing is pretty damn awesome. i'd consider moving north to be around ice and yankees and gun control just to ride one.

JUST KIDDING! I'd rather die. but the Ice Bat definitely looks fun.

also, i have only been using my vibrating belt for weight loss. didn't realize it could be used as a navigational tool - well, other than navigating me to O-Face Land.

hey snoobers - how about you pick me up on the BQE tomorrow and let's see if that Smugness Flotilla can handle a vigorous bout of boning?

Anonymous said...

Hilpster Artisinal Iphone Destroyers, dirndls, Venu D'Nipollini,Ice Bat. Where else ya gonna get this all in one drive-by?
Locally Sourced Human 5252 nthabai

grog said...

WTG JB!
I'd love to see Recumbabe in a Nippollini.
RIDE COLD

vantage said...

fidith

dasNewo 518

crosspalms said...

DB,
Yeah, you're right. Luckily we don't have it in Chicago. We can still have stupid arguments without ending up in the hospital or the morgue.

vantage said...

im DQ'ing myself for spelling.

Pablo Picasso said...

Babble on @ 11:57: "Ok. Maybe shiny, sparkly pasties are ok, too, but really, naked is best."

Painted looks great too. Like Demi Moore, etc. How I wish I had specialized in finger paints.

Frilly said...

Clothe myself with Cipollini? Oh yes please!

Kisses for JB!

Intellectual Cipo said...

Carpe Poontang

Inuit Cipo said...

Pink umiaks rule

africansingle said...

Many a slip 'tween uppercup and pink lip"

If they had designed it to hold a dildo instead of the coffee, it might have been of some use.

DB said...

Hey, Crosspalms: I'm in Galena. Impressed that you rode today. It's a bit chilly.

Frilly Chick said...

Carpe this Cipo!

T said...

Now that JJ Abrams has bought the rights to the Lance Armstrong story, and considering every JJ Abrams movie/tv show involves time travel, I imagine that in the course of the movie we'll finally find out that the real identity of Lance Armstrong is actually Bret the time travelling retro etc. etc.

The rest of the movie will be about his home planet and other such aliens that have invaded earth and have attempted to blend among us.

freakyjerk said...

I'm the hombre sencero that sent in the Nipolini tip(s), but I sent it a much better pic and I can't figure out why BSNYC didn't use this one: http://www.wigglestatic.com/images/mcipollini-c136-ldies-jersey-11-zoom.jpg

freakyjerk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

You're right freakyjerk. That is amazing.

CommieCanuck said...

JJ Abrams dopes on lens flares.

CommieCanuck said...

Frilly, Google+? Really? I thought only convicts used Google+.

CommieCanuck said...

Cipo's clean.

At least he's not copped to anything more than the occasional feel yet, right?


..and six different herpes medications.

Frilly Chick said...

Guilty! And really, does it matter CC?

Okay, so they changed the whole blogger set-up thingy and I don't feel like messin' with it. Truth.

Comment deleted said...

This comment has been drooled...duh...nippolini...

crosspalms said...

DB,
Not too bad here, it was about 20 and snowing when I left the house, 26 now. But Tuesday (0), Wednesday (10 plus dentist appointment) and Thursday (15 plus wind in my face) brought out the bus-lover in me. It may be croquet weather in Duluth but still cold for us big-city woosies.

Anonymous said...

I feel like messin' with it.

HeelsOnWheels said...

That Cipo shit is cray cray. I think Bib Shorts Guy might be out of business after this:

http://www.mcipollini.com/en/abbigliamento/donna/snugline/snugline-pantaloncino-con-bretelle

bikesgonewild said...

...look out, boys, it's back...

...i mean the 'frilly foto'...

...put your lens caps & muzzles on...curb yer tongues, heathens !!!...

crosspalms said...

Heels on Wheels,
Thanks for that. I like Cipo's slogan, too: THE CHAMPION, THE POWER, HIS TOOL

HeelsOnWheels said...

seriously, crosspalms - his subtlety is unmatched.

Tool, indeed.

babble on said...

freakyjerk - Thank YOU for nippolini... Sweet shot! Maybe he didn't use that one because it was too Bond-Girl-esque. Or something.

JB said...

I'm blushing, Frilly.

Frilly Chick said...

Sure you are JB. Are you going to the Bike Expo Sunday?

babble on said...

Anon@12:52 - So how does deep throat score?

JB said...

Frilly: Nope. Kid's birthday festivities all day.

High-beams for Cipollini

wishiwasmerckx said...

It is odd how the Reuben rose to be a menu superstar, while its brother sandwiches, the Simeon and the Issachar, were relegated to the scrapheap of culinary history.

Anonymous said...

pink canoeolini

babble on said...

JB - now THOSE would look lovely in sparkly pasties.

Friendo said...

Reuben needs to get that cock outta his mouth so I can understand what he's saying. Filthy Hilpster

Stained-glass-pants boy needs to be punched in the nuts. Doosh.

25argnargy

Friendo said...

Oh, and Anon @12:52 - you have a beautiful mind

annonymoose said...

First I'm thinking about babble, then nippolini. this circle jerk is going to be epic!

Anonymous said...

Deep-throat? I thought that was a myth? Do women actually do that?

Might explain your congestion....

Anonymous said...

Framesaver that!

leroy said...

R-r-r-ride s-s-s-afe a-a-a-ll....

Oh s-s-s-crew it. It's t-t-t-too damn c-c-cold.

Dr. Wells said...

My career in time travel is a pure waste!

babble on said...

Anon @ 7:56 - Course they do!

Oh PLEASE. Don't tell me you can only get off on folding bike porn.

forwaypt 2013
I kid you not.

Douche Walla said...

Uppercup!

Uppercut is for holding your box cutter (or clenched fist) along with your iPhone so you can assault someone while videorecording the act.

ce said...

Friendo 6:31, "Now you're just somebody that I used to know" - Stained-Glass-Pants Boy.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

Why don't they just rename BICYCLING The Magazine what it really is, "Giordana and Pinarello Dogma w/Yoga Girl Monthly".

ce said...

T 3:54, please allow me to elaborate. The first film in the JJ Abrams quadrilogy will be titled: "The Armstrong Identity". The story will begin in 1992 and follow Lance's early professional career and his battle with cancer... and as you mentioned, will also feature a seemingly superfluous and unresolved storyline about time travelling aliens from Planet Tridork arriving on Earth and living among us.

"The Armstrong Supremacy" will follow on and tell the story of Lance's winning streak between 1998-2005. The film will feature a critically acclaimed bicycle chase scene. Actually, the film will be pretty much just bicycle chase scenes back to back. Realistic, Euro style chase scenes with restraint shown in regard to crashing bicycles not always exploding into fireballs.

The third instalment, "The Armstrong Ultimatum" (2009 to Oprah's couch), will see Lance furiously outmanoeuvring fellow chemically enhanced hunter killer UCI operatives who have been ordered to eliminate Lance and prevent the conspiracy from "going loud". Cornered, Lance will repeat the dying words of a UCI operative Lance himself killed years earlier, "Look at us. Look at what they make you give." He then dives into Oprah's cleavage and is never seen again.

The stunning conclusion to the saga will be titled "The Armstrong Legacy" and will follow another enhanced UCI operative "Bret" on the run (bike) from USADA, all the way from a secret Alaskan training camp to a pharmaceutical laboratory in Manila, as he attempts to attain live virus "stems" capable of permanently enhancing an individual's genome. In a grand JJ Abrams twist, the storyline will come full circle when it is revealed that Bret is also an alien from Planet Tridork and intends to use his powers to take the "stems" back in time to 1992 so that he can help Lance permanently modify his genome and begin a professional career as a performance enhanced athlete impervious to drug testing. Bret then uses his well honed spy craft skills to curate a flawlessly period correct disguise.

Fritz said...

so feckin special

Jim Tignor said...

Like Frank and Rueben, I too believe "less is more", however this belief leads me to put my coffee down when I must text, play games, or read the NYCBike Snob on my phone, NOT purchase another gadget.

Guru Martian Anus said...

The path to salvation grasshopper* is as thin as the leading edge of a spondee.


*YES! That kind of grasss

Jasper said...

Let's make it a ton up

Doktor Wells said...

I will not be available for the foreseeable future as I have time traveled into the future to the year 2071.

The answer to the obvious question is, YES! Lance is 100 and he is still a massive a$$hat.

mnmlst Ted Bundy said...

Fk u 2 dth btch

dental clinic said...

i just can't help but to mention that the frank and sandwich looks really delicious.

babble on said...

Delicious is Frilly Chick's love bump. It's so good to see you again, girlfriend. You're sweet bump was well and truly missed.

Anonymous said...

lance is a cheater
cheater cheater pumpkin eater
haha!

Anonymous said...

That Bump looks to be swollen with the heat of carnal lust. It quivers in anticipation of a good, hard thrusting.

BACK YARD

GOOD TIME

HITn RUN!

AMPA & S said...

Bable on @ 5:42: "So how does deep throat score?" It never won an Oscar.

Really Cipo? said...

One would think that Cipo would design womens wear that is as sheer as Saran Wrap.

Anonymous said...

DEEP THRT = CHIN BALS

Every damn time......

Waterfront Property Georgia said...

GOOD AND GO AHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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