Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Snubbed: Season's Greetings, Or Lack Thereof

Hi!

So you know how in the United Britain they have this show on TV called "Top Gear?"  If you don't, it's a show about cars, and they made a shitty American version of it even though it was already in English.  Well, yesterday a reader forwarded me an essay by one of the "Top Gear" guys about the bicycles:


I liked the essay.  In particular, I liked this:

The bicycle was without doubt one of the greatest inventions ever.

And this:

Only the ability to ride a bicycle remains with us after decades of inattention, and that's because riding one taps into some innate understanding of basic physics. A bicycle really is an extension of both your body and your psyche.

And this:

Bicycles should never be regulated, they should never be subject to road tax, they should not require third-party insurance and competence to ride a bicycle should not be tested. It tests itself, because if you can't do it, you have a crash. Bicycles are the first rung on the personal-transport ladder and should be free at the point of use.

But I'm not so sure about this:


Cyclists have become miserabilists.

Several times a week, I go for a bike ride alongside the river near where I live. It's good for me. Or at least it is until I meet another cyclist coming the other way. "Morning," I chirp, cheerfully, because I am cheerful, filling my lungs with the airy elixir and freeing up my tired old bones. Nothing.

I was keeping score for a while, but I've long since lost count. It stood at something like - May, 8,000; other cyclists, nil. I supposed I might just be coming across as a weirdo. So I then tried smiling instead. Still nothing.

There are numerous great debates that rage within the topic of cycling.  Obviously, the king of all of these is the Helment Debate.  Then, just after that (I'm not going to continue with the royalty metaphors, I know nothing about royalty because I'm not from a primitive monarchy like England, I'm from an oligarchy south of Canada), you have the stupid equipment and frame material debates, like Dick Breaks vs. Tubulers, Crabonium vs. Lugged Aluminium, and Ridged vs. Supsension, or whatever the hell idiots bicker about on forums nowadays.  And then, after that, you have all the etiquette stuff, the main one being whether or not to wave to, or otherwise greet, other cyclists.

For some reason, many cyclists get really snitty if you don't wave to them or return their wave, and frankly I think this is completely ridiculous.  Sure, a friendly greeting is nice, and if you receive one you should return it, but at the same time there are a million legitimate reasons not to do either.  Here are just a few that I feel are perfectly acceptable:

--You didn't see the other rider and therefore were unable to offer a greeting;
--You didn't see the other rider greet you and were therefore unable to return the greeting;
--You were preoccupied with a shifting issue or other mechanical problem because you don't read enough Internet forums and you bought the wrong component group;
--You think the other rider looks like he's probably a dick;
--You know the other rider and he's definitely a total dick;
--You like the rider OK but you think the club they ride with is stupid;
--You've had a shitty morning, this is the only time you have to yourself before work, you've got some heavy emotional crap to deal with, and instead of leaving you alone with your thoughts complete doofuses are smiling and waving at you every thirty seconds;
--You DON'T FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT, OKAY!?!

Just to clarify, I do wave to other cyclists.  I just don't do it all the time.  Sure, it makes sense to wave to another cyclist on a country road in order to acknowledge your mutual humanity, but it would be ridiculous to wave to every commuter on the Manhattan Bridge in the same way you'd have to be a complete kook to greet every single person on the subway.  (Sure, I do it, but I'm a complete kook.)  And so what if I'm riding my Fred machine on a country road and I don't greet you because I'm deep, deep, deep in my Fredliness?  If you're old enough to ride by yourself on a country road do you really need complete strangers to coddle you and make you feel special and loved?  I'd argue that you don't.

I also maintain it's perfectly fine to scowl instead of wave in certain circumstances.  For example, I often ride the mountain bike trails in Cunningham Park, Queens. (Or at least I used to before I moved to wherever the hell it is I live now, which is thankfully not Queens.)  Now, I couldn't care less whether or not people wear helments.  However, in Cunningham Park the Parks Department wants you to wear a helment, and I think that's a pretty fair trade considering they let these people build mountain bike trails in the first place.  So when I'm riding in there and I see some goofball helmetless singletrack salmon in a velour tracksuit riding a dual-suspension bike the wrong way on a one-way trail you can be sure I flash him the sort of withering look I generally reserve for Bichon Frisés.  (I always scowl witheringly at Bichon Frisés on the street, it's delightful to watch them recoil.)

Anyway, all I'm saying is that waving is complicated, and that unless someone actually gives you the finger you really shouldn't worry about it.  If you can't handle someone not returning your wave or your smile then don't offer it in the first place, and that way we can finally evolve into the cold, introverted, smartphone-addled society we were meant to be.  Hey, it's 2012.  Maybe all those people James May thinks are snubbing him are just waiting to get home so they can "like" him on Facebook.

By the way, that's a lot of words without pictures, so here's some guy skitching with a pennyfarthing:


If the pennyfarthing were still the dominant form of bicycle then all the Lucas Brunelle wannabes would be wearing magnet shoes.

Speaking of outlaw behavior, I received a compelling email this morning, and I share it in the hopes of raising some intelligent discourse in the comments section.  (Just kidding, any comments not containing the word "scranus" will be deleted as per the BSNYC style manual.)  Here is that email, and as you read it keep in mind that "GC" refers to Grand Central Station, which is not only a very busy station but also a famous landmark, unlike that craphole Penn Station on the other side of town:

I am writing to you because I recently received a summons for "disorderly conduct" for parking my bike in GC station. Most people I have told this to are baffled. You probably have a different take. Please let me know what you think about all this, and feel free to share my story.

I was meeting my husband & son in GC station at the mezzanine bar the evening of Friday December 7. As you may or may not be aware, there is absolutely nowhere safe to lock your bike up within blocks of GC.

After making this determination, I locked my bike to the handrail below the balcony on the main floor. As we were imbibing, I glanced down a couple of times to check on my bike...

The first time, all was well.
The second time, another biker was about to leave her bike next to mine on the railing.
The third time, my bike was gone.

Having already finished our drinks & food, I immediately went down to the main floor (after seeing my bike was gone), and spotted a cop standing nearby. I asked him if he knew where my bike was. He told me it was at the police station downstairs and that I wasn't allowed to park it inside the station, that I should have instead locked it to a pole somewhere outside. He also said some people were concerned that there might be a bomb in the pannier, so a canine was deployed to sniff it. Wow, all this had happened in the course of the maybe 10 or 20 minutes between my bike checks!

So I went to retrieve the bike at the Police Station in the basement level of GC and was told to hand over my ID. After waiting for 15-20 minutes, my bike was delivered to me along with a summons and a broken lock. It wasn't until I was on the train heading back to Westchester that I noticed that my rack bag and pannier had been slit open. Like most everyday bike commuters I keep bike tools, a lock, and a spare inner tube in the rack bag along with emergency rain gear. Riding home from the station, I had to stop a few times to pick up gear that kept spilling out of the ravaged bags. These have now all been repaired and I am supposed to show up in court on February 21.

If you have any advice or interest in joining me in court, I could use the support.

Firstly, while I appreciate the invitation to a day in court, I must emphatically and enthusiastically decline.  Secondly, while I think the mandatory court appearance is a bit excessive, I'd also fully expect an unattended bicycle locked inside Grand Central Station to get the potential bomb treatment.  Thirdly, I agree bike parking sucks on the streets around Grand Central, but I've also visited that neighborhood many times to see the foot doctor (stubborn plantar wart, if you must know, which you didn't want to, and now you're not hungry anymore), and I did manage to lock my bike, so I know that it can be done.

I'll also add that this is why people get folding bikes, and the whole "looking like a trained circus bear" thing is just a bonus.

Anyway, if you have a different opinion about parking your bike in Grand Central please let it be known, and if you'd like to attend court with the accused I'd be happy to put you in touch.

Once again, I've been remiss with the pictures, so here's a minimalist unicycle:


Lastly, just moments ago, I received this video from Klaus at Cycling Inquisition:


Nice guitar playing, but a wave would have been nice.

Cunt.

209 comments:

1 – 200 of 209   Newer›   Newest»
petrus said...

Snubbery.

Name said...

TWO

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

too easy.

Anonymous said...

Guys in wheels oh shiza

Anonymous said...

TOOP GEAR

Yarpo said...

3rd Loser?

Yarpo said...

5th Loser?

ken e. said...

Lederhosen!

3G said...

Finkle = Einhorn!

Lance Douche' said...

SPD panties































Yarpo said...

Congrats, Petrus, Name, and RCT.
Smooch up them podium girls!

Anonymous said...

hey

cycle

Dingbat said...

Dood. Bichons frisés. Where are your editors?

Anonymous said...

KNLB FRZD.

Anonymous said...

Grand Central is a Terminal not a Station. You from around here?

babble on said...

Snobbed again...

Anonymous said...

Herbal remedy

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:12pm,

Yes.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Scranus?

Name said...

And also Scranus

DogShot said...

Since nobody else included "scranus" in their post, and will therefore be deleted per the manual, i say "Frist!".

Anonymous said...

There was a similar post crying about not getting wave-backs on team JVA blog a while back. That one surprised me. But, this seems more appropriate coming from Captain Slow.
scranus

leroy said...

My dog used to think that BSNYC was nice, but now he think BSNYC's just mean because he scowls witheringly at Bichon Frises.

He says he bets BSNYC wouldn't dare give a dirty look to a bison with the frizzies.

I think my dog is just trying to guilt BSNYC into buying him a Festivus gift.

If anyone is interested, my dog says he's registered at Rapha.

Of course, I think he's just going to re-sell anything he gets on e-Bay, but it's the thought that counts.

Comment deleted said...

My reason for not waving (sometimes): I'm in a near-coma from oxygen-debt, and lifting my arm to wave would push me right over the edge.

Anonymous said...

When I lived in the City of NY I did not wave at people becaus in order to survive NY you need to ignore how crowded it is. Now that I live somewhere less crowded and can ride for miles without seeing another cyclist I always say hi with a wave or nod or actually saying hi. Most roadies still ignore it and I just hope they all develope some bacterial infection of their scranus.

Buffalo Bill said...

I had a really pithy comment removed because I forgot to include the obligatory scranus.

Damn.

Anonymous said...

disorderly conduct… for parking my bike in GC station,
You didn’t get all you deserved, They should have punched you in the face as well.

McFly said...

James May has awesome hair. The same kind grows on my scranus.

Yarpo said...

Cunt? That may soon be Sir Cuntington if Wiggo gets knighted.

On wave/no wave: around here Freds, resplendent in their Fred-kit, are the number one group of non-wavers. I wave and say a stupid, "hi" just to piss them off and fuck with their juju. Love their grim, deep-into-the-art-of-suffering, visages. Now THERE are some stupid cunts, none of whom will be knighted.
Local bike commuters, for the most part, wave back, unless of course they are Fixie Hilpster Trendinistas who can't wave or they'll fall off their bike. They also tend to make the same mean/stupid face as the Freds.

Anonymous said...

Scranus

"I'll also add that this is why people get folding bikes, and the whole looking like a clown thing is just a bonus."

There, I fixed it.

Anonymous said...

If I ever start a band, it's name is going to be "Obligatory Scranus."

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:29pm,

Can I play scranus?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

wishiwasmerckx said...

I get annoyed when I am trying to get in some serious training at pace, and a parade of casual-speed Freds on the other side of the road are waving at me like I'm their long-lost cousin or something.

I generally nod, but do not take my hands off of the bars.

I know that makes me a dick, but I am not out there for a meet-and-greet. My training time is limited by job and family, and I need to make the most of it.

If I want a social ride, there is always Critical Mass, although no NBA players show up in my town; just the local police.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Yarpo, yep, you've got my number.

Anonymous said...

Uninspiring, forgetful and boring. Hopefully tomorrow you will score some "inspiration" and rip it through scranus bong.

MrMook said...

Firstly: Scranus.
There is plenty of safe parking around Grand Central. I lock up my bike in that neighborhood all day while I'm at work. However, if you feel you must leave all your belongings in your pilfer-prone panniers, then you might have a hard time finding a "safe" spot.

I say bike outside, bags inside. And talk about entitlement! Handrails, you inconsiderate socialite, are for those who need them, such as the elderly, pregnant women, or skateboarders doing tricks.

Flyover bike commuter said...

I always say mornin' and evenin' on my commute, regardless of what the other riders, joggers, or walkers say or do.

After a few days, weeks, or months the regulars all respond. And some of those folks act like they are glad to see me, which is really odd, considering we only see each other about five seconds a day.

On the other hand, if I lived in the overpopulated rats' nest that's NYC, I'd probably scowl and growl too. It's what ya'll do, even when you're on vacation out here in flyover country.

I reckon ya'lls' collective panties are in a wad, and your scrani are raw as a result.


Aerononymous said...

Would've finished sooner, post bender road rash this morning. At least I can say I left all of my scrotanus on the track.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:38pm,

Awesome blog comment.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

The Magnificent Omri said...

BSNYC meets Top Gear? Today is the best day, ever.

janinedm said...

I work across the street from Grand Central Station. I used to use the Edison ParkFast on 46th and Fifth because they have a very snazzy bike parking area (go see it if you're in the neighborhood; it's more than a rack in the corner -- it's glorious) for $20 for unlimited monthly parking. I stopped last March and have been parking it on the street every day since then. Other than getting my front fender dented by a car (my heavy steel wheel remained untaco-ed), I've never had a problem. There's plenty of bikes parked all around GC. Find a terrible lock job and park next to that bike (there are many terrible lock jobs to choose from here). This advice, of course, does not work if the terrible lock job is you.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus

I liked James' take on bike clothes:

"Lycra gimp suit with TV packaging crash helmet and a stupid flashing light attached to my face."

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 1:12 --

My dog wishes to point out that Grand Central is indeed a station. Were it not, Larry Graham's "Graham Central Station" would be a misnomer.

My dog further wishes to point out that you do not want to contradict a canine citation to the father of the slapping technique for funk style bass lines.

You could get bitch slapped.

I told my dog it's not polite to point.

And anyway, what's a misnomer? I thought all gnomes were male.

Billy said...

I prefer "taint".

I dare you to delete this comment.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

And a BIG WAVE hello to you all.


I mostly acknowledge my fellow commuters by telling them they LOOK LIKE 10 YEAR OLDS WITH THE WAY THEY RUN REDS, CUT OFF PEDESTRIANS, SALMON AND RIDE ON THE FUCKING SIDEWALK!!!!!

SCRANUS!!!

Anonymous said...

If you say hi on a ride -
Pennsylvania bikers says hi back.
New Jersey bikers frown at you.
New York bikers beat you to death with a lead pipe.

cycle

Anonymous said...

I only wave at the riders that are wearing their sunglasses under their helment straps.

SteadyFreddy said...

Would the guy in the aluminum (or crabon painted silver?) minimalist unicycle not crush his fingers with every revolution?

Anonymous said...

Indeed, how can anybody be so stupid as to think that by locking up a bike inside Grand Central Terminal, that anything other than what did happen would happen?

#scranus

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus.

Bichon Frisés were used in circus acts.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @ 1:12 - A terminal IS a station, scranus-breath. Make the leap!

babble on said...

Just doing a lesson plan for my new "Revolutionary Head" seminar, which includes a section on scranus stimulation.

Video blog to follow...

Anonymous said...

Scranus: that's not a unicycle but a minimalist German Wheel. Super nice guy and damn good unicyclist "riding" it though

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Babble wear those horn-rimmed teacher glasses please.

grbiker88 said...

I've had more than a few crashes, does this mean I can't ride a bike according to Mr. May? I seemed to do so just fine this morning on the way to work.

With waves aplenty

McFly said...

After watching Premium Rush 3 times I have decided

A)I don't want to see any more movies with Jofus Gordon-Leave it and
B)If ya'll ride anywhere near what the movie depicts then I would snipe you all from the shrubbery and
C)The Black guy on the Parlee had killer GUNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Anonymous said...

Lob Scranus the Queen

Marcel Da Chump said...

Scrani wave.

Anonymous said...

Keep Calm and Scranus on

Rollie Fingers said...

I only wave when the weather is so shitty that only an idiot or a total badass would be out in it. I wave to acknowledge "Hey, you and I are total idiots and/or badasses!" Any other time, when it's too easy, there are too many cyclists out and it's not worthy of recognition.

Sometimes when it's a Fred gettin' all "intense" and whatnot, I just look at them and say "douche" or "fuck you." Kind of like a wave, but not. They still don't respond. Maybe I need to be louder.

bitchin' freezies!

BCHN FRSE

SCRÄ NUSS

Anonymous said...

And scranusforth

McFly said...

How does that work Babs? Do you unhinge your lower jaw like so many pythons or do you just relax and apply Downward Facial Pressure(tm) until you horn-rimmed glasses bottom out on the recipients' belly-button?

The King of Park Slope said...

Order the scallopini with aubergine.

ge said...

1. What James May isn't admitting is he's thinking "I'm James May, a BBC television personality! Why aren't these people waving back at me?"

2. That isn't a minimalist unicycle, it's a primitive knuckle tat remover.

3. scranus.

Anonymous said...

I like how GC Lady is also incensed by the fact that the Port Authority had the audacity to slice open her precious panniers -- how rude!

... considering that she basically created a bomb threat in a crowded national landmark, for all the cops knew there could be a trigger for an explosive attached to the latch.

Blog Drafter said...

Anyone remember recess? I do.

Scranus.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I know it's mean but I don't say hi to the people with rusty squeaky drive chains that I can hear when they're still 1/10 mile ahead of me.

scranii

Fred/Freida Douche' le Hermaphrodite said...

Scruntnus

Anonymous said...

Poor GC lady, she's getting a beat-down here. But, lesson learned. NYC is a hotbed of paranoia and it's best not to leave anything lying around that could be mistaken for a bomb (of course, cars are suspiciously absent from scrutiny).
Paddington Station in London is chock-a-block FULL of bikes, like hundreds of them, and they even had someone bomb their subway... stiff upper lip and all that I guess

Anonymous said...

RCT, Isn't EVERYONE 1/10 of a mile ahead of you?

Anonymous said...

Aeronymous,
I imagine the scrotanus is a more expansive piece of anatomy than just the scranus. T'aint one or the other,'tis both.

What I can't imagine is how you left them on the track. Must have been blood curdling.

babble on said...

It's not an unhinging thing, it's all about relaxing...

The Alliterati said...

Brooklyn begone! Briefly(?) bearded, bitter, bike blogger boasts of boreal beauty at his back door in his brand-new backstage borough. Bike buffs bemused, befuddled, bored and blase. (boners, beavers, blow jobs, boobs, buttsmut, bush buddies)

-scranus vagectum

babble on said...

anon@ 2:28 -I was in the hood that day in July... not fun. Without the pannier a bike is not exactly the easiest place to hide an incendiary device, is it? Unless you have one of those joint tubes in yer handlebars, and a bit of plutonium, maybe...

Parking your bike inside attached to the handrails is simply daft. Leaving the pannier on the bike is the bigger mistake.

Nardwuar said...

doot doota loot doo ...

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who had to look up "bellend" from that James May article?

Anonymous said...

@CommentDeleted

That's the best time to say hi. So much fun to come up next to an oxygen starved super serious Fred, wheezing like an asthmatic freight train and say: "Hi, how are you? Great day isn't it! Just love this road, with this nice little climb. Fantastic ride. Okay see you later. Have a great day."

Extra points if you can get them to turn blue trying to cough out "Fuc......"

Anonymous said...

GCT being a pretty awesome landmark and humongous tourist spot, reason would stand that the authorities would not like a bike parked to it.

Left common sense in the paniers, sorry.

Anonymous said...

My wife managed to get her company to install a bike rack outside her building. It went like this...
1> You can't bring your bike inside the building.
2> You can't lock your bike to that handrail.
3> THEN GET ME A FUCKING BIKE RACK!!!

Yes, this is in a southern US suburb. Scranus.



balls™


SHEE NA-E said...

I prefer Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls"

McFly said...

All I remember is sitting on the couch thinking "Hey she gives pretty good heaOHHHHHH MYYYYYYY WORRRRRRDDDDDD I AM TOTALLY HAVING SEX WITH HER ESOPHAGUS RIGHT NOW!"

Anonymous said...

FOOT WART

that should teach you to walk near the water in your corner of the world

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

So did you move out to that one place where everyone was upset with the cyclists peeing everywhere?

babble on said...

anon@ 2:46 - yeah, but how do we know he wan't walking ON water??

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I think you may have misunderstood Mr. May's intent. During his experiment with friendliness, he discovered that NO ONE was friendly. I have discovered the same thing on Boises beautiful green belt. When I moved here I was like Croc Dundee when he visited New York City. Said "hi" to everyone. No one said "hi" back. Now I nod at those who make eye contact. Have been more likely to get a nod back. Next I shall try nodding and smiling. We'll see what happens.

Anonymous said...

I met a cyclist this morning who set a new standard for "argumentitive twat". The scene....line of cars at a traffic light, me on motorbike at the back of said line (all vehicles indicating left) as lights have just turned green, traffic starts to move and a guy on a bike comes up the inside and looks for a way out. I say "that was a stupid thing to do, wasn't it?" (still moving forwards) and get "what's your fuckin' problem, pal?" (you can tell when Scots want to kick your head in, suddenly you're a pal) and some other pish, at which point he headed off, getting in the way of sundry others; tooting horns etc.

Bravo, sir; congratulations on representing cyclists so fantastically well.....ya fud.

hey nonny mouse

(to translate transatlantically, for left substitute right and verse vicea....)

Dyslexic Sheena is said...

A Runk Pocker

Anonymous said...

mcfly,

tiresome.

Anonymous said...

Should a fellow cyclist wave at me I shout "SCRANUS"! Works like a charm.

Yarpo said...

WIWM, I'm fine with a nod, and can tell when a rider is really working and concentrating hard and doesn't even see me. That's fine. I'm also limited in training time by work and family so I too engage in the mongo-focus grind-fest rides when possible, therefore, I don't consider you a dick.
Ride hard, and watch out for scranus'sssss.

tiresome said...

And then she started working her tongue and throat muscles, well I couldn't take much of that. I pumped a steaming hot jizz-load straight into her stomach. I came for what seemed like a full minute. It was enough calories for her to be able to skip dinner, and her breath didn't even smell funny after.

JB said...

Scrano-American

Grump said...

I'm not a waver. If waved upon, I give a tight lipped smile plus a nod. The last time another rider complained about me not waving at him, i knocked him off his bike, and kicked him in the scranus.
.
.

Anonymous said...

"you saddle-face git"

Thank you James May!

Anonymous said...

1) plantar wart tips: use duct tape and get lotsa sleep. Eat your veggies. Freezing the thing off doesn't hurt too. Well it might hurt a little bit. Good excuse to get a pedicure. Find a place that still uses the razor to shave of skin - it will help bring the bulk down. And its fun. Dont forget its contagious.

2) scranus



Paul Bowen said...

James May seems to overlook the possibility that peole know him from off of the telly and have already formed an opinion of him that it takes more than a cheery "Halloo!" to shift.

Cunt.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I wouldn't mind taking a look at this BSNYC style manual. Downloadable .pdf would be fine.

scranus

McFly said...

For the record I did not do the tiresome rebuttal...

Anonymous said...

The worst part is that James May is lying. Those guys are internationally famous. I recently read that Jeremy Clarkson (with James May, one of the three presenters) is the highest paid person at the BBC. It is impossible to believe that people ignore him when he is out and about. If James May waved at me, I would certainly go over and chat, which must get tedious for him.

Also, I'm not a GD Walmart greeter. I'm just trying to get a little exercise during my lunch hour, not participate in some social cotillion you've imagined in your brain.

McFly said...

.........but I am still laughing...

Anonymous said...

Maybe all 8,000 of those folks know who James May is, and they know he's a total dick.

E-scaper said...

scranus!

Forrest said...

Mamma always said Scranus is as Scranus does.

Forest said...

Life is like a box of Scranusususes, You got to lick them to see if they taste good.

Anonymous said...

NECK LOAD

Anonymous said...

99 comments but a scranus ain't one

Dooth said...

So that daft lady took the scrain in vain out of Grand Central...she must exlpaiiiinnn why this must be.

Rollie Fingers said...

BAAAHAHAHA

"scrain in vain"

Anonymous said...

Scranus Claus knows who's been naughty and nice.

McFly said...

Everything from this point forward is moot because Shaun White chopped his hair off. Not sure if they also shaved his tomato scranus.

P. Bateman said...

Jolly ole Saint Snobolas:

Bully to you sir for classing up this appalling dump heap by incorporating some plucky brit from the BBC.

I would absolutely have a 4 way with the top gear team except that i'm pretty sure they call James Captain Slow because he's a pirate - a butt pirate.

Maybe you could fill in for him Snobolas? and recumbababe could film the whole thing?

You could be the rugged bike shop mechanic and you could ask me to bend forward on the saddle and grab the "drop bars" as you "adjust" my "saddle".

At this point the top gear boys would come in and say "fancy a spot of tea?" and i'd say "Yes, YES YES YES....

We could call the film: Snob and Top Gear Gangbang Christmas 2012.

babble on said...

Ms Bateman, I like your style.

DNK said...

I work across the street from Grand Central (or GC, or "Grand Central Station" or "Grand Central Terminal" or whatever the hell it is).

I agree with the complaintant (may I call her so?) that bike parking ain't the best at or near GC. But it's not the worst either, and I can always find a place to lock up outside.

As somewhat half-assed proof of the above statement, I should say that I have worked in the same building across from GC since 1998, have biked to work almost every day --- and while I'm allowed to bring my bike up to my office, I have to do so on the "service elevator" which closes at 4:30. So every day I've got to lock it on the street for at least a half-hour. I've never had a problem. Well, almost....

The worst thing that happened to me: one summer day I locked on 42nd Street between Park/Lex, right in front of Cipriani and across from the Grand Hyatt. Broad daylight, it was only out there for 30 minutes or so, and when I came out to unlock I was overpowered by the smell of piss.

Employing my best "Toucan Sam" skills, I followed my nose to the locus of the piss, which was my saddle. Someone had "drained their main vein" onto my bike in one of the busiest parts of Manhattan right in the middle of the day....

Complaintant: while I feel for you, I find it hard to fully sympathize. Locking your bike to a handrail inside of a public building is (IMHO) foolhardy. And leaving your panniers attached to bike, WTF??

Cipo said...

@ anon 3:24. My lawyers put a Scranus Clause in all of my contracts.

#eatingpussy

Eponymous said...

I refuse to be goaded into seeing this as a case of,

either underworked, overbearing cops who arbitrarily stomp on anything non-conformist under the ever expanding rubric of the Terrorism,

or a selfish, inconsiderate cyclist with no use for behaving in a way that helps everyone get around and get along,

when both are the norm here in Westchester's scranus, and therefore unsurprisingly feature in this story.

Anon 3:24 said...

@Cipo

Way to cover your scranus.

yankees suck said...

I wave at all the cars stuck in traffic as I'm blowing by them on the separated bike cycle path. most people wave back at me. sure it's only one finger (and scranus), but it counts.

I recommend mr may blows kisses - that might get more of a reaction.

Fred Douche' said...

Snobbie,

You seem a bit more coherent today. Perhaps the whack on the noggin wasn't a bad thing after all.

Helment Hitler said...

You must wear ONLY the approved helment!

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mind taking a look at this BSNYC style manual

from what I understand it's mostly the haggar jeans catalog with snobby's face pasted on the men (not on their heads), and text lifted directly from the nytimes style manual with every other word replaced with "cunt" and "scranus."

Dooth said...

Mod Wiggo pissed all over that Wonder Wall.

J said...

Hey I'm a waver; please wave back people!

Any news on the folder, snob?

Vegas said...

I give smiles, nods, and finger waves (so as not to remove hand from handlebars) and receive more back than not. But maybe that's cuz we're riding PCH and related westcoastal lovelyness instead of near the Big Skanky or on Her Majesty's Rainy Island.

I don't take it too personal if there is not a response back. I, too, have been too distracted by uneven pavement, dodging broken beer bottles, or just lost in my oen mind to acknowledge another's presence. No big woop.

I do like RollieFingers approach for overly zealous Freds, though. Another good interjection to disarm them is "SMOKE WEED!" especially whilst passing them on a hill climb (and not on a Wednesday).

Scranus Aurelius said...

Everyman's life lies within the present, for the past is spent and done with, and the future is uncertain.

Scranus

Vegas said...

Oh, and a bell is awesome. Many smiles have been instantly induced with a simple DING! DING! Get one!

Oh, and scranus. Though I do prefer "taint" in non-blogular conversation.

wishiwasmerckx said...

DNK, I always assumed that was the reason why all those locked-up food delivery bikes in NYC have an empty breadbag tied over the saddle.

leroy said...

What do you get for the dog who has everything, including your credit card?

McFly said...

OK I am back on the Decency Wagon.

Instead of sautrating this comment section with sordid sexual escapades I will sit down and begin to compile my memoirs...

The Girlfiend Diaries: A Ballad of McFly

Chapter One: A boys first piece of ass is usually a geographical convience.....(and so on and so forth)

McFly said...

What do you throw a drowning bass player?

His amp.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I think it is odd that the lady in GC would lock up her bike but leave the bags on it especially if it was out of her sight. Sounds like GC needs to incorporate some dutch style bike parking into their master plan. What do you think.

Grand Central Bookie said...

Sooooo, should we start a pool how long McFly can hold out?

tick,tick,tick ...

do-do do-do
do-do do-do
do do do do DO
dodo dododo

bikesgonewild said...

..."...revolutionary head..."...

...i DO have a tri-corner hat & i CAN recite a lotta facts about the 'war of independence' in a sing-song manner...

...just sayin'...

Freddie Bullmoose said...

*****FOR SALE*****

Sig Sauer Bushmaster with 100 round clip and carbon fibre cinelli handlebar mount. Almost new.

This is a perfect rifle to use while participating in bi-ke-athalons. Combo bike race target shoot.

Dyslexic Simon said...

I had a dream there were crowds in my coffee, crowds in my coffee.

Douche' Throckmorten Bullmoose said...

All bi-ke-athalon participants will NOT be drug tested. Ever!

bikesgonewild said...

..."...It's not an unhinging thing, it's all about relaxing..."...

...jeez...the last time i got really great deep throated head, i was trying to relax but she was SO good at it, it pretty much unhinged me...

...still smilin'...

babble on said...

That's what it's all about...

Red Sox Youkeless said...

No Wave rocked.

bikesgonewild said...

...leroy...'member how larry graham had like the longest thumb in the world...i think that's how/why he invented that slap-style of percussive bass playing...

...saw 'graham central station' a number of times back when he came out a' sly's band...

Rollie Fingers said...

It's Graham Central TERMINAL, don't you know nothin'?

JUST KIDN

leroy's dog said...

Woof.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67CjzOsAGpI

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...if i was getting "...revolutionary head...", i could help set the mood by singing a lotta paul revere & the raiders hit songs...

..."...hungry for those good things, baby,
...hungry through n' through,
...hungry for that sweet life, baby
...with a real fine girl like you
...i can almost.........oh, ahh, ahhhh jeezus, ohhh god, ahhhhhhhh !!!!!..."
...


...hey...gimme a break...that was like the third time through the song. not the first verse...

...sheesh...i thought i held off pretty well considering that 'revolutionary head' technique...

bikesgonewild said...

...don't shoot 'til she can see the whites of your eyes.........as they role back in your head...

bikesgonewild said...

...fucking mcfly must be going nuts right now...

...but give him credit...

...he's holding back...so far...

Anonymous said...

Locking your "commuter" with full pannier dress to the brass railing of one of the world's busiest and most beautiful stations in the world while you sip cocktails in the bar is to reach new heights of cycling smugness. Cheers to you, you total gaylord.

babble on said...

Leroy, since he has your credit card, perhaps you should give him a wallet for Festivus.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

McFly is surely gettin it on with the Mrs. That's what I'd be doing if I were him. Have you seen her? One word: hot.

Anonymous said...

Hey Leroy! Your mamma called. She said the "my dog said" routine of yours is daft.

Anonymous said...

I feel this commenting space has become scranally tainted.

annonymoose said...

It's not a unicycle! It's just hoola hoop. And he's using it wrong. I'll bet it's that flammer dude.

wishiwasmerckx said...

DNK, I always assumed that was the reason why all those locked-up food delivery bikes in NYC have an empty breadbag tied over the saddle.

The Battle of New Orleans said...

Ol' Hickory said we can take 'em by surprise if we didn't fire our muskets 'til we looked 'em in the eye...

C. said...

Love Top Gear and especially May since he pulled that stunt at the car magazine that got him fired. Way to stick it to the man!! (getting a MUCH better job after the fact, that is.)

So glad Snob wrote about helmets the other day- every time I so much as bump mine against the wall, the same rant goes through my head. No way I'm replacing it just b/c a hint of moonlight gleamed on the strap.

Same with the waving- the likes of May need to get over themselves. Maybe he needs to spend more time in the city to understand, it's not *personal*. Sheeeesh.

P.S. Scranus

Alan S (Helment Fascist) said...

Grand Central Terminal (GCT) is a terminal because all trains TERMINATE there. There are not any connecting rail lines anywhere to any other direction. You can only come in via the Park Avenue tunnel, and leave by such.

http://www.mta.info/gct/

Grand Central "Station" generally refers to the attached post office, but no one uses analog mail anymore. Or is used by rubes who aren't really from NYC. Even a Google search gives you GCT.

A McFly in the Ointment said...

McFly is an STD. Prior to his arrival, the comments section was AT LEAST 25% about bikeen. Now that he's infected all of us, he's moving on to infect another blog. Bravo McFly, Bravo

Sex

Scranus

'tard said...

Dear Alan, get over it. All the cool kids and those of us who wish we were, call it Grand Central Station. We promise to stop hacking your wiki page, maybe.

scr said...

anus

McFly said...

OK I have a sponsor AND an accountability partner. I can do this.

It works if you work it. It works if you work it. It works if......THAT'S WHAT SH....

Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Alan S. --

Well I say thank goodness all of those subway lines end at Grand Central.

Otherwise, people just passing through would snag all the good seats.

But folks say that pretty soon there'll be a connection to Penn Station.

Honestly, what will they think of next? Flying cars?

leroy said...

Note to self: Ignore dog's advice to invest in saltpeter futures covering time period for McFly decency pledge.

They don't market futures that short.

And anyway, the Mayans say the world ends Friday.


BikeSnobNYC said...

Alan S (Helment Fascist),

You must also call 6th Avenue the "Avenue of the Americas" and the Triboro the RFK, seeing how you're one of those savvy New Yorkers who uses official place names in conversation and runs everything through G--gle.

Leroy,

It's PennSYLVANIA Station, you rube.

That's all from me, I have a plane to catch at Idlewild.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Alan S (Helment Fascist),

Wouldn't you know it, Idlewild is packed with holiday travelers. Reminds me of that expression I'm always hearing, "It's like Grand Central Terminal in here!"

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Hipster Amerika said...

You see I've been through Williamsburg on a fixie with no name it feels good to be out and deranged, in the dessert you can see your own face it's just melo jello with no name ...

lalala la lalalala lalala la la ...

McFly said...

Thanks Babble. Momma always says Life is too short not to have a hot wife. Wait, maybe Daddy says that.

Homophobic Helmant Hitler said...

I have invented a colon helment that will thwart unwanted homosexual anal advances.

ken e. said...

celebrity sighting! babs' shopping at the iga! nice leg warmers.

safe travels there, wildcat sarcasm machine.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...Idlewild..."...

...thanks, dude...as if there weren't enough people here calling each other out over bullshit stuff, you gotta go & call my habits into question...

bikesgonewild said...

...signed: bikesgoneidlewild...

...strangely appropriate...

...just sayin'...

babble on said...

The small boy ordered special cupcakes for his Christmas party at school.... what's a girl to do??

Jed said...

BOMB. BAGS
DUMB. HAGS
SLIT. SAGS

Jed said...

Dont fuck with my visage motherfucker. Must maintain average speed...

Jed said...

Average speed 17. Cunt.

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Jed said...

As it should be.

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Jed said...

JAWB. ONES
LOOK. FRED
FUCK. FACE

babble on said...

I do hope you were teasing, dearest Sir Snobalot. Please don't leave.

Mr Idlewild... time to get busy.

Et moi? Time to make cupcakes. This calls for a glass of wine. No, not for the cupcakes, silly. For me.

Jed said...

Adopted. THAT'S how a bill becomes a law.

Jed said...

Focus on the locus and stop the hocus. The skunky scent of NY piss and roasting chesnuts. Now you've lived!

Jed said...

The only thing GC in NY needs to do dutch is an oven. Sniff sniff.

Jed said...

Hows that for a kick in the old panniers?

Jed said...

BAGS BAIT
HOOK COPS
SMUG DOLT

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Anonymous said...

Jed, no Dutch for New Amsterdam, I mean New York, huh! I have never been to New York City or Amsterdam, but from what I've heard, I would choose Amsterdam for a bicycling vacation or a bicycling lifestyle. Actually I plan to go to Amsterdam and Holland for a bicycling vacation. Not so NYC.

bikesgonewild said...

...you are absolutely right, my delicious little cupcake...

...ohhh, wait...you're making cupcakes...got it...sorry...my bad...

...& a glass of wine ???...well isn't that just the icing on the uhhh, gosh, cupcake...


...jeez, is this like circular...or what ???...

...signed:- bikesgoneidlewild...

Anonymous said...

I ride a motoring type cycle and I find that I get waved at most frequently by most such similar motoring type cyclists except for the elitists on the Harley Davidsons who only wave at each other. What a bunch of tiny dicked dicks!

Anonymous said...

I ride a motoring type cycle and I find that I get waved at most frequently by most such similar motoring type cyclists except for the elitists on the Harley Davidsons who only wave at each other. What a bunch of tiny dicked dicks!

Anonymous said...

I ride a motoring type cycle and I find that I get waved at most frequently by most such similar motoring type cyclists except for the elitists on the Harley Davidsons who only wave at each other. What a bunch of tiny dicked dicks!

Red Neck Cipo said...

"bicycle greatest invention"

Actually the pootie tang is the best invention EVER!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

rural 14 said...

A nod, a smile, a wave, eye contact..some sort of acknowledgement other than what I got this summer -which was as I came out my lane on a delivery round, I said hi to Fred Crabon on the other side the road, and he yelled "you're an idiot" at me!

I turned around to see who was behind me...but he was yelling at me - I looked at him - he yelled again, "no helmet, asshole!" - I was on a delivery run 1/2 mile up the road from me, with a big flat of vegetables and a box of eggs on the front / no helmet / crocs & muddy shirt and shorts / ratty looking be-fendered delivery bike -

I set out after sausage stuffed Fred Crabon at full sprint uphill, the hill I use for interval training every fookin' day including in the winter, he took off in fear , I closed easily ,he stammered something, then stalled and falled over, just like in the video last week.

I helped him up and in my best and usual idiot gawp maniac accent (which gets one lots of clearance) said, "you meant helment sir; and are you interested in my asshole? Thank you anyway, I wouldn't do you if you were the last sheep on earth" And away he skittered, this time downhill.

rural 14 said...

also - 199, 200!

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