Tuesday, November 27, 2012

End of an Error: Sweet Impeachment

In the last twenty-four hours I have received numerous emails, Tweets, phone calls, telegrams, ravens, and telepathic messages informing me that charismatic (that's French Canadian for "obese") Toronto mayors Robs Fords have all been de-mayored:


Fords have vowed to fight the defrocking "tooth and nail," which just happens to be the same way they attack and devour a gigantic sandwich:


(Fords used taxpayer funds to employ a hundred-person sandwich-making staff.)

In any case, the Fords first came to my attention when they said some incredibly dumb shit about cyclists, and since then I've taken perverse delight in watching their buffoonish reign of terror.  Therefore, while I am of course pleased on behalf of my overly polite neighbors to the north, I must confess I'll also be kind of sad to see them go:

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

As for what the Fords should do next, I'd suggest that they make a bid for the US presidency.  Sure, technically you're supposed to be born here, but nobody really goes by that, since everybody knows our current president was born in a terrorist training compound in a remote part of Pakistan.  (I saw all about it on the Fox news.)  Also, the United States prides itself on being the land of the free and the home of the obese, and once you hit 300lbs you're automatically granted citizenship.

Speaking of asses who hate cyclists, a reader tells me that a Swedish woman was recently hit by one:


Here's what happened:

"I was cycling down a bicycle path near the street when I saw the car coming toward me," she told the local norren.se news website.

At first Nordqvist thought the car would turn to avoid hitting her, but the next thing she knew, the passenger's protruding posterior sent her hurdling to the ground.

Ass-themed alliteration aside, the police are baffled:

"I'm not sure how I should put this since I've never seen anything like it," Joakim Oja of the Skellefteå police told the paper.

But that's only because they live in civilized society, whereas here in Canada's menstrual cup even the "greenest" police officer would immediately recognize this as a typical drive-by mooning gone awry.  Anyway, it's a good thing she was wearing a helment:


(Ass.  Hat.  Now that's good spondee.)

Or at least she was wearing one after the incident.

Of course, in a world where we're all just a single wayward ass away from disaster, it's important that we learn to empower ourselves.  And according to one Kickstarter, there's nothing more empowering than making your own bread--except for making your own bread with stuff you portaged with your custom-fabricated carb-mobile:



Yes, nothing says lovin' like some fresh-baked smugness from the oven:

I am a bread baker with a utopian agenda. To most, the end product of a freshly baked loaf is most tangible and delicious, but more important to me is getting people excited about the act of baking one's own daily bread, and the challenge that presents to the ready made culture that is our "stuffed and starved" American lifestyle. Baking bread is a skill that has been lost in the prepackaged, preserved food environment where we are stuck in the cycle of market-based mass food consumption. Lisaruth's Lovin' from the Oven bread making demos help connect people to a primordial skill that I believe to be the gateway to other means of self-empowerment and the participation in creating one's own reality. One gains ownership over one's food sources, and the possibility for human connection arises. One slows down.

I'm not so sure I'd call buying a pre-baked loaf of bread an act of gross consumerism, though I do have respect for Lisaruth, for I too bake my own bread.  Indeed, when I made my exodus from Brooklyn, the forces of gentrification were bearing down upon us with their Best Made axes, and I did not have time to let my bread rise.  Lo, the result was a brittle and flavorless cracker-like slab I call "matzoh," and if you too would like to partake in it just give generously to my Kickstarter campaign and I'd be happy to teach you how.

Alas, I don't know what I miss more about Brooklyn--the throngs of people clamoring for entry into overpriced dining establishments , or the gigantic curbside containers full of cabbie pee:


Actually, while I'm assuming it's cabbie pee, I guess it could also have been left there by someone who was waiting on one of those 12-hour gas lines right after the hurricane.  Either way, it's only a matter of time before Brooklyn "mixologists" start collecting these things and using them to "curate" exotic cocktails:


("Barkeep!  Make me a Number One!")

One of these $17 drinks contains locally-produced urine that was sustainably harvested by bicycle.  Can you guess which?  (Hint: it smells faintly of asparagus.)

Maybe they can serve Number Ones in the bar at that new Brooklyn velodrome that nobody wants:





“It’s just so self-evident that this is his personal passion,” said Peter Flemming, co-chairman of the Brooklyn Bridge Park Community Council and one of the most outspoken critics of the plan. “The track-cycling community is devout, I’m sure. The snowboard community is devout, too. There’s no sport that doesn’t have its devotees.”

Mr. Flemming added, “He’s paying for his building, and then the city gets stuck with it.”


Fr. Flemming might have added golf to that list of sports, but then he'd have to acknowledge how much public space the city already devotes to people hitting balls with sticks and then walking after them.

Then again, I do acknowledge that there are more valuable gifts than velodromes.  For example, if I had billions of dollars instead of just the hundreds of millions I currently do and wanted to give the city a bike-themed gift then I'd start a bike share system.  Sure, we're supposed to be getting one anyway, but who knows when that will actually happen at this point.  Plus, mine would be a lot better, and instead of unsightly docking stations I'd just have indentured Portland framebuilders in cages who would build each customer a bespoke bicycle out of bamboo.  Then, when you're done you just dump it in the East River--or maybe feed it to the thousands of wild pandas I will unleash upon the city.

Now that's philanthropy.

127 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium?

mikeweb said...

Nice ass helment.

Anonymous said...

I am lapping myself like a cat.
Same Anon as #1

Anonymous said...

ASS HAT

(sloth knuck tat)

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Sex?

agentdetroit said...

top ten, bitches! i'm back...

Maurice & Astrid said...

top ten! podius

Maurice & Astrid said...

top ten! podius

McFly said...

Dat Ass

dirtbag said...

live like dirt...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I am an internet advertising specialist with a Utopian agenda

Anonymous said...

Up there.

JB said...

Pre spam comment!

Anonymous said...

No one died in today's post.

Anonymous said...

Here!

cycle

grog said...

Recumbabe made me horny.
Hundred-person sandwich made me hungry.
Fords made me laugh and throw up.
Snob, you be the riot.

babble on said...

heh heh end of an error...
even though it's only Tuesday, it's a great day to celebrate!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Sweet heavenly buns for lunch!

Buffalo Bill said...

assparagus.
nice.

le Correcteur said...

top twenty and read!

babble on said...

ASSparagus?

mikeweb said...

The cabbies should start drinking their own pee like that dude from a couple weeks back. I'm picturing a direct hose thing, like a Camelback. That way they wouldn't have to unzip or anything and could even do it with fares in the back. With a long enough hose they could even offer the passengers a taste.

I'll set up a Kickstarter for the hose later today.

babble on said...

Have you seen the light?

SaddleSore said...

Lanterne Rouge

Comment deleted said...

So that's what it means to be "arsed". Personally, I couldn't be.

McFly said...

"OK that's one Italian BMT on wheat, would you like that in a 6 ft or 12 ft Mr. Fords?"

"12"

Patches O'Houlihan said...

"necessary? is it necessary to drink my own urine? ...No, but I do it anyway because its sterile and I like the taste."

Comment deleted said...

Am feeling extremely aligned with your ass and urine comments. Thank you for existence.

Cheap goat insurance!

Phil Anthropy said...


Now that's philanthropy!

jno62 said...

Wayward Ass of Disaster.

Great Band Name.

Safety Nazi said...

Hey the inside of this helmet is wet.....

Anonymous said...

spondee for everyone!




balls™

mikeweb said...

babble, very 'enlightening'. And a beautiful choice of outerwear.

Anonymous said...

Sweet Cockpit... http://thisisnthappiness.com/image/36672350554

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thats a bummer about the cyclist that got hit.

ringcycles said...

I was surprised to read that Rob Forb was given 2 weeks to vacate his seat. But I suppose that when you have that much seat to vacate it takes some time.

LisaRuth SweetLoaf said...

S A T A N! S A T A N!

Anonymous said...

Haha, asparagus, right...

Rollie said...

Of course Fords are gonna fight it. What are some assholes like that gonna do, say "We apologize" and step down with dignity?

Also, along the lines of the old pedal/peddle controversy, I'm glad that ass sent Nordqvist "hurdling" to the ground. Wouldn't want to be pole-vaulting or 400-meter-relaying to the ground.

theEel said...

weed.

Cipo's PR Agent said...

Two posts in a row without a single mention of the Roman Emperor Cipo the 1st. It's the Decline and Fall of the Brylcreem Empire.

Orowheat Dude said...

Fucking utopian bread-making dumbasses who think that bread-making is primordial...didn't she watch Quest For Fire? Any bread-making there? FUCK NO!

Augh, augh, augh, ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

JB said...

That's a fine ass helment.

ken e. said...

ooze is primordial, like robba's grey matter.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Just when you thought that cyclists could not be more marginalized and disrespected, now we are reduced to being toilet paper for passing motorists to wipe themselves on?

Anonymous said...

Orowheat Dude,

Anthropology rants are soooo 2008. Come on, man.

Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

My bum helmet has a crack in it!

Anonymous said...

Cipo the Loin King

Ashley Roachclip said...

Hello. I'm gathering together email addresses so that I may send my annual 2014 New Years greetings to one and all.

Do any of the BSnyc commenteratti frequenting this comments section know the email address of Tyler Hamilton's chimera? I would like to send he/she/it my personal New Years greeting. Thank you in advance for your assistance in this matter.

McFly said...

Did anyone happen to notice the circumference of the Pie Plate on the Kudzu-Bike? Damn.

I thought people quit making their own bread because it was such a pain in the ass.

MARB LRYE

Anonymous said...

So uncool to to admit that being artisinal is the new utopianism.

]Might as well wear a T-shirt.

Everybody else acts like smug little shits.

Anonymous said...

Love this quote from the article about Rechnitz: "Mr. Heitmann said, “He’s one of the most frugal people I know.” The founder of Cadence Cycling, a shop in TriBeCa where a new bike could cost more than $20,000 (it is now defunct)..."

Hmmmmm....not a lot of $20k bikes getting sold?

Anonymous said...



You forgot to tell the part about "the parting of the East River".

Anonymous said...

After http://stevetilford.com/
and http://blog.brickhouseracing.com/
this is the 3rd best blog on the internet.

Anonymous said...



Excellent syntax on the Robs Fords report.

DerZoots said...

PANDA HORDEZ!!!!!1!1!111!111!!!!!!

g-roc said...

As I suspected, Team Spam was DQ'd. Turns out the UCI's good for something after all.

leroy said...

My dog says he got me a sweet modeling gig in Sweden.

All I have to do is learn the Swedish phrases for turn to the left and turn to the right.

He says I'll get to work with him.

I guess that explains why he's been practicing the Swedish phrase for "Now take your time M'am and tell us if any of the asses in this line up is the one that hit you."

Anonymous said...

I'm wearing a helmnet from now on.

babble on said...

Cheers, Mikeweb! It covers my ass...

I love it this site, because I feel normal here, comfortable.

We don't ever have to grow up, really...

Thank you Wildcat, from the bottom of my heart, and from all of my other parts, too.

Skiptooth - +1

(See what I mean?)

wicked pissah said...

did you also smear the blood of a grass fed, locally sourced, self-butchered lamb on your door so that the gentrifying hipster of death would pass you by?

Anonymous said...

Yesterday I mention Giant Pandas, today Snob says Panda. Coincidence? I think not.

The word of tomorrow is: Repugnant

Tune in Wednesday to see if it works.

HFQBMM!
("Hey Fred! Quit Biting My Moves")

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McFly said...

http://tv.yahoo.com/news/what-happened-to-jared-leto--details-about-his-shocking-transformation-180908814.html


Jared Leto has a hot new look.

The King of Park Slope said...

Urine drink fueled urban panda safaris will be all the rage ... mark my words.

Anonymous said...

Wearing that helment, you would have your head up your ass (hat).

babble on said...

I guess hot is in the eyes of the beholder...

I learned a new word on that page, though...

Snob, are you living in suburgatory?

3G said...

meh

Rob said...

It's all left wing politics! I'm a man of the people! Get that mic out of my face, you communist!

Dooth said...

THIS JUST IN FROM THE ASDOCIATED PRESS:

After having his name viciously pluralized on a popular bike blog, the former mayor of Toronto says he might have a weight problem.

g-roc said...

Wow, Snob pluralized him AND a popular bike blog did too?

bikesgonewild said...

...glad i don't have a helment like that...

...i'd become obssesive-compulsive...

...i'd be running my hands over my head all day, just knowing what's up there...

Anonymous said...

I've never heard of it referred to as an oven, but if Lisaruth's Lovin' from the Oven wants to bake my loaf I'm sure she will find it tangible AND delicious !

Mayor (Pro Tem) Rob Ford said...

My teats are much, much larger than recumbabe's!

Eat your hearts out physically coordinated vegan hipster knuckle tatted velo pluralizers!

Martian Anus said...

You can all take your bifrucated spodeatic spondelations and shove them up your flaccid iambic pentameters!

leroy said...

Speaking of artisanal bread products....

I keep finding pizza crusts around the family manse in the aftermath of my dog's and his riding buddies' dog show viewing party last week.

When the herding breeds exhibited, they turned down the volume on the TV, cranked up "Walk This Way" on the stereo and danced on the couch, flinging crusts.

My dog claims the crusts I'm finding aren't theirs and, anyway, I couldn't find my helment with both hands.

Next year I'm blasting Barry White's "My first, my last, my everything" when they watch the toy breeds compete.

Ingrates.

They stuck me with the bill for the pizzas.

crosspalms said...

Caught an unfortunate glimpse of my potato-fueled physique earlier today, but cheered up when I realized that even if I were twice the man I am today, I wouldn't be half the men that Robs Fords are.

bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of "...doom...", (& check out the stones new single 'doom & gloom'...sounds fucking great), i predict a depressed robbs ford will sink into a seething mass of wretched self dispair, in which he'll assuage his feeble mind & already bloated carcass with mass quantities of alcohol & greasy 'comfort food', only coming to a stop when the scales hit 380 kilos ( that's about 840 lbs of american fat )...

...he'll be towed about the city in a purpose built steel wagon by a few of his leftover faithful supporters until told by the rcmp that the city council requests he not attend meetings from the visitors gallery in city hall 'cuz of his shouted comments...

...other than that, robbs ford should be fine...

McFly said...

Trust me that helmet sucks. A lass I ride with has one.
I fractured my damn ulna from smacking it everytime I was on her wheel.
Yo Wildcat It's time for a new book. I am out of reading material and need something to help me doze off.
I have a good name for the 3rd edition in your trilogy.....

"WE MIGHT AS WELL GET 17TH"-By Wildcat Rock Machine.

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leroy said...

Well imagine my disappointment when Anonymous 6:43 PM turned out not to be August Wilson, author of The Piano Lesson.

McFly said...

QUICK! Someone get the semen kit and check that healment. Inside and out.

Anonymous said...

ARSE SHAT

in a colloquial way.

Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

Semen kit?!! Didn't see that coming.

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Anonymous said...

So you're a phulonrapist now?

Anonymous said...

So if I encounter Froot Loops falling from heaven I'll know it is just Lob providing for WRM and the Children of Rapha in their wanderings.

But ungood for mentioning the NYC bikeshare, WRM; double-ungood! That has gone down the memory hole, does not exist, and never existed. Thought Police! Thought Police!

Orowheat Dude said...

Anon at 1:30pm:

Anthropology rants NEVER go out of style. Besides, according to this calendar that I just dusted off, it's 2007, so going by your strange rules I still have a year of ranting to go until I'm supposed to stop and embrace the next big thing in rants.

So like, man, pass the mustard cuz' this sandwich is dry.

ce said...

Normally, the very least you can hope for is that skid marks will be left at the scene of the collision.

It seems there is an exception to this rule.

Flammer said...

Idiots. You can't even spell arse correctly. An 'ass' is a donkey. The metaphor fails. An asshole would be where a ass builds its nest and lays its eggs. But an arsehole is a pooie, yuck place where some boys play hide the sausage. Worst of all, imagine being battered with an ass sticking out of a car. Wreck your single speed or what?

As for the fat cunt, while he's down, stick the boot in. Fat people are really funny when they run, fall over and express pain.

The Hippie bread cretin will make a killing because urbanites are really stupid. The meaning of their life is to spend money in ways that are more stupid than their friends consumption. That's why A-merica is broker than Europe.

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McFly said...

I would say you need one of those little "We Are Checking to See If You Are a Robot So Punch in This Sequence of Random Characters" filters but half of the commenters on this site would not be able to pass that.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

What is this strange device that Ali Bahi speaks of? Some kind of time machine?

Please Snobbers no robot checker I hate those damn things.

streepo said...

Snatch.

ce said...

RCT is a robot. Ban him.

ce said...

Speaking of a new book, I've been thinking for a while that it would be good if The Bike Snob of New York City TM were to write a travel book similar in vein to Bill Bryson's books, but with more bike stuff.

I wonder how one would go about kick starting the raising of funds for a creative global journey (artyfuckface safari) such as this?

Maybe I should just buy one of the books that have already been written.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I am a robot I am a robot I am a robot I am a robot I am a robot I am a robot I am a robot Danger Will Robinson Danger Will Robinson Does not compute Does not compute.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

beep.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

beep.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

100

vantage said...

Now was that really necessary ? Hey look everybody, I can ride the brakes to last place.

Oh wait. Now I'm in last. Woohoo!

P. Bateman said...

"One gains ownership over one's food sources, and the possibility for human connection arises."

i'm sorry, but what the f$#! does that mean? by baking something the possibility for human connection arises?

where do people learn to talk like this? are they teaching this crap in public schools in portland? is learning to talk like this the way you justify the fact that you've developed a really, really stupid business plan?

additionally, whey the hell would i want a possibility for human connection? have you SEEN PEOPLE? they are apes with pants. i want to get the hell away from them. and to do that i would think that knowing how to bake bread might actually be important. to have the "possibility of human connection" wouldn't it make much more sense to go to a Lob damned bakery? f'ing twits.

sorry, wow! what happened? where am i? really lost it there for a second. i'm back now i think.

Anonymous said...

I'm going for a bike ride, wish me luck!

Dooth said...

I take ownership of my food sources when I take a woman out to dinner with the sole purpose of a human connection arising.

Anonymous said...

The spam posts are amazingly Zen.

Please don't delete/block them as long as the numbers stay reasonable.

Anonymous said...

Rob Ford, "living in a van, down by the river"!?

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