Monday, October 29, 2012

The Clam Before the Storm

Good morning!  As you may know, here in New York City we're being menaced by Hurricane Sandy, which is supposed to wreak all manner of devastation and inconvenience around these parts sometime this afternoon-ish.  I wasn't especially worried when they closed the subways, since they closed the subways during last year's Irene-branded storm too.  I also wasn't worried when they closed the schools, since they close the schools for pretty much anything nowadays, including obscure Jewish holidays which frankly sound made up.  However, when I got an email from my bank saying they were going to be waiving fees for the next few days I panicked, since if a financial institution is actually foregoing an opportunity to charge a fee then it's a clear sign that the end is nigh.  My bank actually charges you a fee for paying a fee, so this makes me feel like a Make-A-Wish Foundation child.

Nevertheless, pending the apocalypse I'm staying at home because I'm not in an evacuation zone:

Fortunately, I live in Zone D:


All city services and FEMA are under strict orders to neglect us until every resident of Park Slope is safe and accounted for and their frozen yogurt vending services are completely restored.

Pray for us.

By the way, just to give you a sense of how difficult life is here in a neighborhood that is only marginally gentrified, consider this doorway:


In particular, look at this sticker:


In Park Slope I'd know this was placed there by an actual math tutor attempting to solicit business from helicopter parents who hyper-educate their children.  In Williamsburg I'd know "Math Tutor" was some intentionally dorky "indie band" who websites like BrooklynVegan say are from Brooklyn even though they moved here from Indiana only seven months ago and will be living in Portland by January.  (Math Tutor would consist of six members, all of whom play vintage 1980s Casio keyboards.)  Here though I have absolutely no idea.  Really, it could go either way.

But the worst part about being under threat of a hurricane is that you have to rely on The Media, which we all know can't be trusted.  Anyone who's read enough George Orwell, smoked enough marijuana, or smoked marijuana while reading George Orwell knows that The Media is simply in the service of Big Brother, or The Man, or The Big Brother Man.  The Media isn't in the business of truth, it's in the business of manipulation.  That's why I only believe what I can see--and what I see when I look out the window is this guy:


I've mentioned before that I gauge the weather conditions by the state of undress of the guy who smokes on his fire escape, and you can see him above wearing only underpants, which is typical attire for him.  However, when I looked out the window this morning what I saw was far more alarming--even more so than an ample-breasted man in his underpants:


Yes, he was wearing an actual tracksuit with the hood pulled over his head:


(If you're smoking on a fire escape during a hurricane maybe you should consider quitting.)

For this guy merely to put on pants is a sign of a severe weather event, so if he's actually wearing a shirt and covering his head too it means we're all going to die.

In fact, I was so alarmed that despite my mistrust of the media I turned on the TV and tuned into PBS (I figure I should watch as much PBS as possible until Mitt Romney gets elected and they replace it with infomercials) only to hear a report from someone named Lauren Wanko:


Who actually said that people in Cape May were going to "have to hold onto something hard and steady" without a hint of irony.

Wanko?  Hold onto something hard and steady?  No wonder Mormons find public television so upsetting.

Anyway, in all seriousness I hope everybody's staying safe, unless you're not in the path of the storm in which case go do whatever the hell you want.  It's also a good day to simply stay home and enjoy the company of loved ones, or if you live alone to just sit back on the couch and, uh, take Ms. Wanko's advice and hold onto something hard and steady.

Moving on, given the impending storm I made sure to cram in plenty of activity this past weekend.  In particular, on Saturday I got into a four-wheeled gasoline-powered recumbent and rode it to Philadelphia, where I spoke at the Philly Bike Expo.  Then, after I spoke, I hung out at the merchandise table where I watched people pick up my books and look at them:


In any relationship there's generally an impulsive party and a sensible party.  The impulsive party is the one who does things like pick up books written by idiots and consider purchasing them, and the sensible party is the one with the wherewithal to say, "Put that stupid thing down:"


Even though my livelihood depends on the impulsive parties I have the utmost respect and admiration for the sensible parties.

Sometimes people would pick up other stuff too, like Knog lights:


I'd tout their convenient rechargeability and retina-scorching brightness, because I figured if I was just sitting there anyway that I might as well, and they'd back away slowly with polite smiles on their faces, at which point I'd realize I was drooling or had a substantial booger hanging out of my nose.

I was not cut out for retail.

After I finished repulsing people I high-tailed it back home, where the woman I tricked into marrying me and I got on our bicycle cycles and rode into the city in order to watch a professional funny person be professionally funny.  On the way we stopped to eat, only to find some hipster's moped parked at a bike rack:


I'd have surreptitiously removed the spark plug and dropped it down a storm drain if I thought it was possible to get that close to a moped motor without laughing hard enough to give me away.


138 comments:

McFly said...

Damn

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium!

McFly said...

You should have stayed in Philly.

BUSB ROKE

McFly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bill Smith said...

Drop us a line from your boat, NYBS.

McFly said...

"My bank actually charges you a fee for paying a fee, so this makes me feel a Make-A-Wish Foundation child."

Why are you feeling children?

wishiwasmerckx said...

In order to quell the rampant speculation about who would now be considered the Tour winner for the vacated years,today the UCI announced that amiable Norwegian Dag Otto Lauritzen was to be considered the Tour champion from 1947 through 2011.

Anonymous said...


Poodium!

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and in other news, it appears that Babble On orgasmed in Queen Charlotte Islands this weekend...

streepo said...

Would have been higher but I was holding on to something hard and steady.

Anonymous said...

Exactly: I expect everyone not in the path of the storm to do something reckless today so that we're all in this together.

Cloc said...

Podium

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty!

Trojan Manufacturing Inc. said...

You pulled out of philly right after Cipo did.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good God Man! Spend some of those vast spoils from the book deals and get a camera with a lens on it.

The End is High said...

I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy
wanking on my hard and steady...

Hurricanes are a manifestation of the Great Lob, calling us home, bringing the sea to us. Evacuate not, heathens, for this is the plan of the Lobster above.


theEel said...

weed.

P. Bateman said...

a devastating storm headed for the north, yet wonderful fall weather for the south. god must hate yankees too.

babble on said...

wiwm - sshhhh! I was hoping no one would notice!

babble on said...

um... and who said Cipo pulled out?

Anonymous said...

Trackstanders of the apacolypse!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

torch the fucking moped....

...mopeds are legal to ride in the bike lane here in Boston...I'm sure its because no one understood our mayor when he said "mumphersconisdollack"

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I live about 500 miles inland on the other side of Pennsyltucky and my smarting phone Weather Channel app says High wind warning 30 to 40 MPH with gusts up to 70 MPH. Nice that breeze will finish stripping the leaves off my trees and blow them all down the block. If all goes well I won't have to rake again.

Congrats McFly and wiwm!

Anonymous said...

Can you get wellies with cleats on? Sounds like you might need them.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Oopps read it, ergo....midpack fodder.

babble on said...

It's important to hold on to something hard and steady every day. It's also important to figure out where all the sperm is going.

tridorkable said...

I saw the the nice talking/computer projections show about the bicycle cycling at the Philly expo on Sat. I even asked a quesion and scored a Knog light which I will be using when the electricity goes out in the storm. I am not afraid because I am wearing my helment with the knog on top so I will be found no matter what falls on me.
Thanks, Snobby!

Anonymous said...

Mopeds are like fat chicks.
They're a lot of fun to ride, you just don't want your friends to see yhou doing it.

JD0g said...

In before storm. Hold onto your helments folks, it's gonna be breezy.

Anonymous said...

yankees, yankers, wankers...




balls™

Anonymous said...

The last moped I rode was a 2-stroke. I had to stick my pinky in the exhaust and wiggle it around to clean it out and make it operate more efficiently. Like fat chicks.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Shit storm warnings still in effect in Park Slope.

Provincial bike commuter said...

I'm afraid ya'll are in trouble if you're waiting for FEMA to save you.

Their primary job is distributing pork. I doubt that any of it is kosher.

Just thought I'd warn you.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I like clams.

crosspalms said...

Stay safe, all you east coasters.

God said...

I will cleanse this filthy place like I did New Orleans.

leroy said...

I too tricked Mrs. leroy into matrimony.

I assured her my dog was well behaved and would be no trouble.

He just walked through the living room dressed like the Gorton's fisherman dripping water everywhere.

(Last night was worse. He kept doing his imitation of John Travolta's charactrer from Grease saying "Oh Sandy.")

Anonymous said...

Where are they gonna put the FEMA trailers in NYC?

Comment deleted said...

If it rains, don't take the subway.

leroy's dog said...

http://gortons.com/

Anonymous said...

That's the whole report from Philly? They didn't take to see Richie in the Escalade? No visit to the Bicycling compound which I imagine to be something like M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village"?

Rollie said...

I like clams. They're mushy. They make me feel like a man, they make me feel like a man.

Who remembers THAT one?

Eurodude said...

I´m far, far away from the path, still have to deal with sudden snow in october, a thing not seen here for a good 40-50 years.

Good luck to you Eastcoasters. And some seem to be wanting to make the most out of Sandy:
http://newyork.craigslist.org/search/?areaID=3&subAreaID=&query=hurricane&catAbb=ppp

LOB said...

Only LOB can save you now.

Anonymous said...

Snobbie,

You are killing my Italian, moped-riding, euro/metrosexual ambitions.

Chazu said...

Google Maps Street View of a cyclist in Brooklyn:

A friendly hello

Hard & Steady said...

Lob is calling, are you listening?

Grow with Lob

Let Go with Lob

Keep going with Lob

to the undersea detritus buffet without end.

Anonymous said...

First!

RANTWICK said...

Mrs. Sensible was awesome. Really awesome. How do you get pictures like that? Just snap away? Are you sneaky about it?

Frenchie said...

an official statement from ze land of ze cheeze and ze lingerie:

Ms. Babble on, you are super hot.

Anonymous said...

Hi-larious post.

What's a little rain and wind, anywaaaaaay?

Paul Bowen said...

Sandy, balls. Seriously, you stay safe fella.

mikeweb said...

I'm currently at work here in zone D, for doosh. At least last night I was in zone F. 'Twas Skittle-icious.

Paul Bowen said...

...and everyone else in Sandy's way, of course.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Sensible had a very nice left breast. It had a Recumbabeesque hang to it. I do not want to speculate about the right one it being Titty Awareness Month and the like. I am aware.

Paul Bowen said...

Oh yeah, I did that bicycle cyclo cross on Saturday, tore a tendon first lap. Apart from the searing pain and the not being able to walk though, it was fun.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever seen a Lobster eat a clam?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-zaGTQMMME

Wonder no more.

Safe for Cipo. Safe for work.

babble on said...

Paul - ouch. Sorry about your luck. Hurts like a mofo, but prolotherapy works wonders.

Anon@1:39 - I think recumbabe has waaaaay hotter hooters. This is an important question, however, so would Ms Sensible please submit a nipple shot so that we can be sure?

Mikeweb - mmm skittles... Why are you working, when this is a perfect excuse to spend days on end indulging in the land of skittles?

Monsieur Frenchie - merci beaucoup! Lingerie swag gratefully accepted here...

frilly said...

Nice podio! McFly

McFly said...

Well thank you. My stamina has increased significantly since I have taken my mind out of the gutter. I have a newfound strength from deep within that used to be wasted on....gross carnal stuff. ew.

Jefe said...

I moved from New York to Houston to get away from hurricanes. Seems to have worked.

JB said...

Snob gets those pics because it looks like he is playing solitare on his phone and he takes pics with the fake shutter sound turned off. If he had a Hasselbad he'd be noticed perhaps.

JB said...

Team Recumbabe!

Cipo said...

Hey Wildcat,

You gotta stop bragging about how untrendy your neighborhood is. May I remind you its not "your neighborhood", you're not "from Brooklyn". You are a middle class white boy from the suburbs that can choose to live wherever you want.

The main difference between you and the other suburban white people on the other side of the park is that you've been posing for longer, and have more experience faking it.

If you don't start coming correct, I'm gonna get the ghost of Dennis Hopper to put a Frank Booth on your fucking dreams, asshole.

eating pussy.

Anonymous said...

I like WRM's photography: it's like looking at the world through the eye of a chambered nautilus. Is there an app for that?

Union Cyclista International chairperson Axel Douche' said...

We have come to a final decision re Tour day France winner Pee Wee Herman aka Paul Reubens doping allegations and the Union has decided that riding with a live hamster/gerbil inserted into one's colon is not to be considered doping as long as the hamster/gerbil is returned alive & healthy to it's natural habitat.

Therefore Pee Wee Herman's Tour day France victory will stand and the rider shall receive no other punishment.

Anonymous said...

Upper two thirds if there were a hundred comments. (ZOD)

Anonymous said...

Ms. Sensible has that "I didn't climax" look on her face.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Cipo,

I laughed the hardest at the part about how I can live wherever I want.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

Anon @ 2:41pm: Thanks for the info. I've never seen that kind of face before. [woot woot, lol]

frilly said...

Alien abduction McFly?

McFly said...

Mr. Unsensible is not thinking about buying the book. He is stealing the stickers out of it. The 'ol Peel-N-Run. His Magna was probably sitting out front ready to be emblazoned.

Cipo said...

Yeah, that part is funny, isn't it?

McFly said...

Alien abduction? No way. That would involve probing. I am a prober(trust me), not a probee.

Dangit, I almost did it again.

Anonymous said...

Podium!

That's the traditional greeting around here, like "Hi" or "Howdy", right?

McFly said...

I would also like to dedicate this win to Frilly's RUMP BUMP.

The RUMP BUMP, it's why we do what we do when we're doing what we do.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Cipo,

Wait, and how the hell did you figure out I was white?!? I was doing my best to hide it!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

Hear hear!

Here's to the best rump bump online. Ever.

Wildcat - How does one go about hiding their whiteness?!

Cipo said...

Well, first you need a nice RUMP BUMP, then you play hide the Salami.

Cipo said...

Wildcat,

It's kinda obvious, you seem to be pretty proud of yourself for living on Coney Island Avenue or whatever, like you are pulling off something special.

just sayin...

Anonymous said...

BGW!!!!!!!!!!!is it you?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Cipo,

I think you may be taking this blog a bit too seriously.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Cipo said...

Oh, that's it, I warned you!

I'm getting Frank!

Candy Colored Clown motherfucker!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5VU8GJcg24

Anonymous said...

I'm with "recumbent conspiracy theorist"@11:24; you need a proper camera with one of those telephoto lenses...something you can use to count the freckles on Lindsey Lohan from across the courtyard. Then, you could take a series of chic photos of pretty girls on bicycles [can't get enough of girl+bike porn]. Lauren Wanko comes to mind, astride a...

Snoop said...

I live in Zone G, cause Ima Muthafuckin' gangsta Beeeeaaaaaaiiittttccchhhhh!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I've been cruising around street view on google maps. Brooklyn looks alot like Cleveland.

JB said...

"Brooklyn: Cleveland with more hurricanes."

budnitz rhymes said...

when cipo steps up in the place the snob better come correct. woo ha woo ha. cipo's got you all in check. I got that creaky shit that'll make you break your neck. woo ha woo ha... butnutz got you all in check. and the hurricane come to wreck the disco tech... woo ha woo ha... sandy's got you all in check.

frilly said...

Thank you McFly--kisses!

Its a banner day when the win is dedicated to you. So much so, me thinks its time to hang up the Frilly socks. Love & hugs to all of you!

Be safe all you on the East Coast.

And Cipo, you got my heart in your hand.

Anonymous said...

What's with the shellfish reference?

Anonymous said...

If Lauren Wanko were to marry Dmitry Fofonov, it would be listed in the newspaper as the Wanko-Fofonov wedding.
That would be funny because masturbation.

Cipo said...

I wish I could say that's my heart in your hand, I am afraid it looks like something else. Hands, I mean.

McFly said...

What other images are there besides socks? I thought that was it. You been hangin' around Babble? I hope so.

Anonymous said...

re:Frilly I seem to recall some pink/purple lingerie with black fringe and one day only, a nipple. Not sure if it was left or right, and I can't recall why it was there, but by Lob it was. I am a fan.

Anonymous said...

I've opted for a less gentrified neighborhood:

I went from

Gorgeous neighbors in their mid twenties

were ditched for

working class Chinese neighbors.

Albeit less entertaining, my soul is troubled no more.

Anonymous said...

We have met our quota on left breasts. We need a righty.

Anonymous said...

We have met our quota on left breasts. We need a righty.

Comment to be deleted said...

This comment will be removed by the author.

Vegas said...

Zone K is for Kalifornication. Clam before, during, and after the storm. Taste the rainbow.

Twob Rake said...

That moped looks like an fs1e.
(Except they stopped making them in 1977)

JB said...

Frilly is dead. Long live Frilly.

Dooth said...

The tide is high

and I'm holding on

Blog Drafter said...

My old girlfriend once named my left buttock "Righty" and my left buttock "Slim".

In return I named her left buttock "Sid" and her right buttock "Pepito".

And on Sunday mornings Righty would talk to Pepito and Lefty would talk to Sid.

O, how we laughed...we laughed like children.

leroy said...

My dog says he entered Rantwick's tree contest.

He claims some expertise in the area.

I wonder if I can convince him to water the upstairs neighbor's bonsai elm instead of dragging me out in this weather.

babble on said...

Dear Lob, please tell me I did not miss the Frilly nipple moment.

babble on said...

I love that you had a one day only photo, too, Dearest Frilly...

Please, please bring back the panties. They inspire me.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure we can convince her to give those that missed it another peek.

McFly said...

What the fuck would we do without Jim Cantore? The man is a National Treasure. He goes where bad weather is happening. And stands in it.

Hey Wildcat look out for that crane dangling off the side of that building like an Electra dangling off the side of Honda Compact. hahahahahahahaha

McFly said...

The Nip......(almost said a bad word) areola including mammary excretion port was before my time as well...back in a time when bikes and advocacy was discussed daily.

FREE SHOW

Anonymous said...

I hope that Amis character gets well blown away!

McFly said...

http://www.parispi.net/articles/2012/10/29/news/local_news/doc508ead2ce5d08165181085.txt


OH YEAH! We have arrived as a cycling destination. A "Tour de France Styled" race. Except it's a one-day.

CAT 6 GLORY HERE I COME!

the commentariat said...

Ah, you noobs. So far as I know, Frilly has two nipples, although only one has appeared here, and then only briefly.

Grump said...

Speaking of your types of people who peruse your literary exercise.
There is also the "cheap party" who asks...."you know where I can download this book....for free?"
.
.
.

JB said...

Land Between the Lakes has some great mountain biking, McFly.

McFly said...

Yeah man I am going there tomorrow to do some of it. We used to ride dirt bikes through there once a year to blow out the trails for the hikers and bikers. I would strap a fake head light and bolt an out of date plate on a Honda CR250 and HAMMER DOWN! Good times.

Anonymous said...

I don't think ms sensible is wearing a bra. Which makes her very fucking sensible.

Anonymous said...

I always thought of WRM as more titanium-colored.

There was definitely a picture of him on the blog from his trip to Gothenberg, so this can be checked.

Anonymous said...

Moped hater, huh?

J-Bird said...

Sandy approached, all wet. I grabbed on to something hard and steady ...

Babble's Guy said...

Will someone get on here and tell her to LET GO, I keep telling her we are not on the East Coast but she says you cannot be to careful. Hell it's not even hard anymore.

Babble said...

It's about to be....

g-roc said...

Snobby, stay safe and chain down the fleet - or put floats on them, or something. Definitely drop anchor on the smugness flotilla.

Anonymous said...

5 DEATHS reported in NYC. Wildcat Rock Machine Please report to C.O.B.R.A. Command Center.

Anonymous said...

I had an SS50 with a 70 barrel and piston. What a hoot; I was way old enough to know better...

hey nonny mouse

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Wildsnob, you're under-exploiting the smug of your "four-wheeled gasoline-powered recumbent". Use instead the term: "Four wheeled hybrid gasoline/human powered recumbent" as it does come with the option to pop it in neutral and push when conditions allow. You can still point and laugh dismissingly at moped motors, so it counts.

While I think of it, please don't die in that Category Hoodie storm you say is bearing down on your town.

Interestingly, The Media (not the band The Media - which you probably haven't heard of) on this side of the world hasn't made mention of any storm. It's amazing the kind of intimate, localised detail one is privy to when reading independent blogs.

Oh, sorry, you mean "FRANKENSTORM"... yeah, yeah they did mention that. Constantly and exclusively for the last week. Anyway, don't die because I'm not some high flyer who can afford to be entertained by professional funny persons being professionally funny. I have to tolerate the semi professional kind. "Suck it" to anyone so pitifully desperate to have read to the bottom of this amateur hour comment in the hope of entertainment.

Cat Sixer said...

The subways are indefinitely shutdown. Bike commuters are infinitely nonplussed.

Anonymous said...

How long until the looting starts? Is there a signal you all use, kinda like the bat signal?

New York City said...

We are all in Zone W.

babble on said...

W?
Wet?
Weed?
Wicked, wild, wonderful sex?

Anonymous said...

Did not "El Bloombito" say, "Stop el wanko y evacuato Zona A".

I suggest you take that to heart.

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It would be listed in the newspaper as the Wanko-Fofonov wedding.
That would be funny because masturbation.
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South Florida Vending Machines Services said...

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saglikli birey said...

Cephe kaplama mersin bide benim blog yukselırse tamamdır.

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