Thursday, October 18, 2012

Short Supply: Scrounging for Heroes

As "Shitstorm 2012" continues to rain "number two" upon the world of professional cycling, fans everywhere are becoming disillusioned with their heroes.  However, it's vital to remember that there are still cyclists who deserve our adulation.  Moreover, hero worship is an essential component of our culture, and without it we might find ourselves instead clinging to false idols like Nobel laureates, philanthropists, disaster relief volunteers, and other shiftless layabouts.  So if your favorite cyclist has gone from hero to arithmetical symbol denoting the absence of all magnitude or quantity in your eyes, here are just a few people still worthy of your eternal obsequiousness:

Cartoonish Ex-Pros


(Mario Cipollini dressed like a veiny penis.)

Sure, it's disillusioning to read a sworn affidavit in which your favorite rider confesses to pumping all manner of PEDs into his scranus.  However, there are some riders who are so cartoonishly outsized as to transcend prosaic issues such as "ethics."  Consider Mario Cipollini for example.  Did Did he cheat during his career?  Almost certainly.  Does anybody care?  Fork no!  Getting upset at Mario Cipollini for taking drugs is like being outraged that James Bond drove his Aston Martin too soon after drinking his shaken-but-not-stirred martinis.  Really, you'd almost be disappointed if he didn't do it.  [Fun Cipollini fact: other riders would often surreptitiously collect The Lion King's hair drippings and use them to make cutaneous testosterone patches.]

By the way, Cipollini was never part of an "omerta."  It's just that it's very difficult to talk while you're engaged in the act of cunnilingus:


Amateurs Who Are Good At Branding Themselves

Remember "MASHSF?"


(Like "Dead Poets Society," only with more "attitude.")

For years Chas, Walton, Tag, Muffy, Buffy, Billiam, Pierce, and Preston bravely stuck it to Volvo-driving people from Marin by running red lights in front of them on their fixies and selling videos about it.  Now they're racing cyclocross because that's just what you do now.  Wear their kit and hang their pin-ups on your wall confident in the knowledge that they'll always be on the cutting-edge of go-fast cycling style until they reach the age of 40.  And if MASH isn't your overpiced "collabo" bag, rest assured that there are a gazzillion "collectives" just like them all over the country.  Yes, professional cycling may be crumbling, but it's never been a better time to be an amateur.  All you need is some friends, a GoPro, and a jersey pre-order.

Cycling Advocates

Q: What do Lance Armstrong, George Hincapie, Levi Leipheimer, David Zabriskie, and Michael Barry have in common?

A: They all own cars!

You know who doesn't own a car?  This guy:



Also, David Byrne doesn't have to be a cycling advocate.  If he wanted he could just let those Talking Heads royalties roll in while he throws lavish ambient hot tub parties with Brian Eno.  Instead, he works tirelessly in his spare time to promote the cause of cycling by constructing incredibly awkward bike racks in front of places frequented by gentrifiers:



Yes, he doesn't advocate for us because he has to.  He does it because he loves us.  Or at least himself.  In the end, what's the difference, really?

Huh?  Whah?  What's that you say?  David Byrne isn't for you?  To "hoity-toity?" Well, he's not the only tartan-attired fish in the sea of celebrity smugness.  Meet Matthew Modine, the only bicycle advocate to have starred in a Stanley Kubrick film (not counting Congressman Earl Blumenauer, who was the original voice of the HAL 9000 supercomputer in 2001 until he was overdubbed by Douglas Rain shortly before the film's release):


(Matthew Modine looks like the illegitimate offspring of a tweed ride and a singlespeed world championship.)

Sure, Modine may be the Dauphiné Libéré to Byrne's Tour de France, but in many ways he's also the "working man's Byrne"--though in many other ways he's just the smirky guy from "Married to the Mob."

Oh, okay, I get it.  You don't relate to these glitzy celebrities with their flashy Citroëns and their comically oversized golf hats.  You want a real man of the people to be your advocate.  Well, allow me to introduce you to Mikael Colville-Andersen, proprietor of Copenhagen Cycle Chic:


("If I don't wear these glasses people mistake me for the drummer of Metallica.")

For years, Colville-Andersen has taken surreptitious photographs of hot chicks on bikes in the streets of Copenhagen, all in the name of advocacy.  Just imagine Bill Cunningham and Bob Guccione fighting for control of the body of Lars Ullrich and you've got the idea.  So why does he deserve your adulation?  Well, because he's not going to rest until cycling becomes a mainstream mode of transportation in every great city of the world--or until he finally catches that elusive "bare vag" shot, whichever comes first:



Until then, he awaits that "perfect storm" of an attractive woman, a short skirt, a strong crosswind, and an ill-considered laundry day decision to just "freebuff" it.

The Bike Companies

So what happens if you're fed up with pro cycling because of the doping, yet you still crave constant recriminations and legal battles?  Well, just follow the bicycle retail industry instead!  You'll get all the courtroom drama with absolutely none of the on-the-bike action!  Remember Sinyard vs. Volagi?  How juicy was that?  And now, Knog tells me that Abus stole their idea for the "sausage lock:"


Abus claims there's "no reason" for any "consumer confusion," though I'd disagree.  Here's the Knog version: 



And here's the Abus version:


I'm pretty confused.  In any case, Abus also denied accusations that they had copied the Kryptonite "u-lock," and pointed out that their own iteration was distinctive due to its Teutonic umlauts:


By the way, you may scoff at the idea of a sausage lock, but the fact is that it's a very hot retail segment.  Even Mario Cipollini is marketing a sausage lock:

(Cipollini sausage lock in the "celebrate diversity" colorway.)

Neither Knog nor Abus have any issue with the design, though Cipollini is being sued by several sex toy manufacturers.

Riders Who Get Attacked By Bees

The USADA may have stirred up a hornet's nest, but there's no on-the-bike drama more painfully riveting than the slings and arrows of outrageous bee stings:



Insert your own "Honey Stinger" jokes here.

84 comments:

McFly said...

$$$$$$$$$$

McFly said...

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. And have alot of free time at work.

McFly said...

AND THATS HOW A DILDO BECOMES TWO DILDOS!

babble on said...

I love veiny penises.

Just sayin...

Michael said...

Close, so close

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Babs its so nice to have a feminine viewpoint such as yours around here.

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Anonymous said...

NSFW WARN

unless you work in a nike dildo factory

babble on said...

Cheers, RCT! I love it when Snobbykins gives us so many fun things to talk about!

JD0g said...

Eleventy!!!!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 11:36am,

I just assumed everyone was already out of work..at least until Mitt Romney makes America great again.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

David Byrne said...

My other car is a Scattante.

Anonymous said...

Uff-da!

Jimboner said...

My other dildo is two dildos.

theEel said...

weed.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

FREE BUFF

mikeweb said...

Isn't a sausage lock some kind of illegal wrestling move?

Leathertaint. said...

When you use, you lose...

babble on said...

I am secretly hoping Mikael Coleville Andersen catches that elusive 'bare vag' shot, too.

K. Maybe it's not such a big secret...

babble on said...

'Sup, Snob? Early postings two days running?

This is not like you.

Mr. Sausage Lock said...

S#IT JUST GOT INTERNATIONAL!

streepo said...

Bee-yootiful.

Anonymous said...

In the lands of the North, where the Black Rocks stand guard against the cold sea, in the dark night that is very long the Men of the Northlands sit by their great log fires and they tell a tale of matters of trade dress. That's not the dress that billows revealingly in the wind.

J said...

And don't forget stalwart heroes like myself and all other commuters; it ain't easy riding nyc streets on a purple folding bike; give me due adulation when you see me!!

Anonymous said...

(Noggin the (K)Nog - wikigoogleyoutube it!)

RB1 said...

more bear vag, please

McFly said...

I have been somewhat self-conscience(not really, but hunnybunny did bring it up the other night during Epic Sexytimes) about my veiny member but thanks to Babble I feel somewhat validated.

But then again this could just be a round-about way of me letting her know I have the model of her preference.

Buffalo Bill said...

I'm still using the used condom on the handlebars security trick and it's working well. You had better get your patent application filled out before those Abus guys steal that too.

leroy said...

My dog wants to know why his efforts to start Cobble Hill Cycle Chic haven't garnered even an honorable mention in the hero department.

I told him it might have something to do with the fact that he hasn't gotten beyond asking for money on Kickstarter.


2wheeler said...

MKA is from Fort McMurray Alberta! There's hope for the tar sands yet!

RANTWICK said...

My hero is a tree. I don't know if he's been doping, but I don't care. He performs, year after year, with no chance of winning, a foliage domestique in a contest nobody knows about, with prizes worth almost nothing. He is my tree hero.

Anonymous said...

Takeaway: If Matthew Modine goes cycling in Copenhagen wearing a kilt, he better trim his sausage locks.

Uff da!

babble on said...

McFly - pictures work

Anonymous said...

Whatsit with all the white people travelling (flying jets) all over the dang place, riding bikescycles, spreading christiandom to places like Ethiopia, and generally foffing off and asking me for $?

btw, North Africa has been doing the christian thing, for, oh...2012 years or so.

Anonymous said...

Step away from the body people. Nothing here to see.

cycle

Marcel Da Chump said...

The Cipo Sausage Lock will also save you money on bike lubricants.

babble on said...

I'm waiting for the Cipo sausage lock model which is built onto the bike and part of the ride

The King of Park Slope said...

A Citroën isn't a car, technically it's an affectation.

Whoa ... what?

Henry the Vth said...

This day is called the Feast of Cipollini.
He that outlives this day and comes safe home
Will stand a-tiptoe when this day is named
And rouse him at the name of Cipollini.
He that shall see this day and live t' old age
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours
And say, "Tomorrow is Saint Cipo."
Then will he strip his woman and show her bear vag
And say, "This oil I claimed on Cipo's day."
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words —
David Byrne, Stanley Wiggins and Mark Cavendish,
Andy Schleck, Contador and Cancellera —
Be in their flowing cups freshly remembered.
This story shall the good man teach his son,
And Cipo Cipo shall ne'er go by
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered,
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
For he today that eats pussy with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so virile,
This day shall stiffen his condition.
And gentlemen in Italy now abed (women)
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That ate pussy with us upon Saint Cipo's Day.

Anonymous said...

Sausage Lock. Gold! Pure Gold. I think todays blog should have just been the words Sausage Lock printed 69 times. That is all.

wle said...

Comment not deleted

This comment has not been removed by the author.

====

"i never sausage a thing!"

wle
====

Anonymous said...

Marianne Vos is not a doper and has won the Giro Donne a couple of times, has Olympic Gold, 10 or 15 UCI stripey jerseys (can't be bothered to wicky it) and she's good looking. Perfect "heroine worship" material. Snob has never mentioned her because he hasn't figured out the correct cynical approach yet, or something.

McFly said...

I really like Matthew Codiene's hat. You can put your weed in there.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 1:17 = Marianne Vos.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'm a little confused. As a result of the recent turn of events, is Lance required to return the Livestrong motorcycle to Orange County Choppers? Does he have to send his '70 Pontiac GTO back to Overhaulin' so that they can re-install the rusted out fenders?

babble on said...

Henry?
Thank you. You left this bit out...

Oh, that we now had here
But one ten thousand of those men in England
That do no work today
But Eat Pussy.

Cipo said...

eating pussy

Anonymous said...

Cycle Chic on BSNYC?!? It's like the Hackman-Caine theory from PCU.

Marianne Vos said...

I like to keep my wheels on the ground.

echuck said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
echuck said...

Anyone have any inside scoop on employment? I was just fired because I had a double-ender displayed on my computer screen when the CEO walked by...

OUTA WORK

THNK SNOB

Anonymous said...

"All you need is some friends, a GoPro, and a jersey pre-order."

You know it! Thanks for the mock, Snob.

RB1 said...

Henry the Vth,

Thanks for that - very enjoyable. I take back everything i've ever said about the humanities.

Anonymous said...

@ echuck,

nike fukstix factories always hiring

MaxBenign said...

In re: ambient hot tub parties

Brian Eno's discography certainly hints at that sort of debauchery, what with his albums Here Come the Warm Jets, Another Green Whirlpool and Before & After Saunas.

Anonymous said...

I THOUGHT I SAID KNEEL BEFORE ZOD. (ZOD)

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford rides at night without lights. He has better things to worry about.

crosspalms said...

Scrounging for hoagies, maybe.

Dooth said...

His Ciponess doth pussy masticate
Whilst lonely freds duly masturbate

mikeweb said...

What did I miss? I've been busy watching a live stream of H.H. Dalai Lama speaking at my alma mater. He's not wearing a yellow wristband.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Speaking of yellow wristbands, where can I get one of those "denystrong" wristbands Lewis Black was showing off?

Anonymous said...

#1: it's THE talking heads, and
#2: YESSSSssssssss! Bees Attack Video!!!!

David Henley said...

too*

Vegas said...

Thank you Snobber for rectifying the "sausage" lock misnomer. Tomorrow you can take to task my "candybar" phone, at which I Snicker, for it doesn't look anything like a Milky Way. It only slightly resembles a half an Abba Zabba.

custom stickers said...

Thank you for keeping us update with this style. I am searching for a strong and stylish lock for my bicycle to avoid theft during my visit to beach and found the design here.

McFly said...

Great 30 miler with some buds. Not even once was the "L word" mentioned. Cool. And I really, REALLY wanted to discuss labia.

Grump said...

I've used "Shitstorm 2012" to teach my grand-kids not to dope, if they ever make it all the way to Cat4..........but if they do, make sure they get a "sweet deal" by ratting out their Cat 3 pal who taught them the ropes.....and if that doesn't work, plead a lessor offence of killing hundreds of dogs.
.
.

Anonymous said...

No it is not. The one who does not own a car has specifically mentioned that there is no " the"

sherpa said...

Nicely done.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob. Nice blog. I especially liked the picture of Helen Hunt on the bike. Actually, Gorgeous women on bikes are my heroes. Watching beautiful women such as "Babble" ride by IS definitely a crowd pleaser.

mander said...

Wildcat this is simply an outstanding post! You're on fire this week.

jams run free said...

@MaxBenign, you forgot Eno's TAKING TIGER MOUNTAIN (BY SODOMY). That album's guitar solos will tear you a new one!

annonymoose said...

What are the chances that Niiiiike and Trrrrrek knew nothing of the dopering?

44 feelin like 35! said...

MC-A for MVP!

We're rootin' for yah buddy!

All hail the freebuffers!

Keep cycling great!

Anonymous said...

MORE BEES

McFly said...

Scrounging for hero's? I think the Belgian blonde biker is scrounging for something else.

Anonymous said...

I am hoping that our host will comment on the "bicymple" I saw linked on another site. It could use his inimitable perspective.

.s.s. said...

I actually, truly got attacked by killer bees myself while bike touring in Guatemala several years ago. It was a crazy experience. I received several hundred stings, but didn't suffer significant effects.

.s.s. said...

I actually, truly got attacked by killer bees myself while bike touring in Guatemala several years ago. It was a crazy experience. I received several hundred stings, but didn't suffer significant effects.

Anonymous said...

Anon @1:17 - How do you know that Marianne Vos is not on the juice? If dumbass freds will dope so that they can top five in a gran fondo, I am sure that there is doping even in women's bike racing.

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