Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Public Service Harassment: Help Us Help You Get Run Over

In the world of competitive cycling, there is obviously glory in being at the front of the pack, and there's also a certain dignity in being the lanterne rouge (mostly because you get to be smug about not doping).  The middle of the pack is where all the indignity lies.  In fact, the only indignity worse than being in the middle of the pack is being in the middle of the pack and then getting attacked by bees:


Stage 1 of the Bridge Cape Pioneer Trek international mountain bike stage in the Oudtshoorn region of South Africa was hit by a unexpected surprise when a group of mid-pack riders was met by a swarm of bees approximately 60km in the 103km stage from Oudtshoorn to Calitzdorp on Monday.

A total of 30 riders were badly stung and treated at the scene and nine were rushed to hospital for treatment at the Medi Clinic in Oudtshoorn.


That's gotta suck.  Fortunately, most of the riders are are okay, which is why I feel comfortable joking about it:

Carel Herholdt, of the event organisers Dryland, confirmed that the majority of the hospitalised riders were released on Monday evening and would be able to continue in the race.

And while we're on the subject, here's an encore screening of one of the most thrilling cycling films ever made, "MAN GETTING ATTACKED BY BEES:"



As Homer Simpson once said, "They're defending themselves somehow!"  In any case, this is surely the "Grizzly Man" of cycle touring movies.

Meanwhile, in other competitive cycling news, Michael Barry thinks the sport is too hard:


The environment remains precarious on every level. Cyclists are required to sacrifice most other aspects of their lives to reach the top. Virtually year-round, we lead ascetic lives, where each movement on and off our bikes is calculated so we will perform to the best of our abilities. The demands are high.

His solution to this problem seems to be that the riders should race less and get more money.  This is a charmingly Canadian way of looking at things, though I'm unconvinced.  In fact, I think the only way to rid the sport of doping is to remove any and all forms of compensation whatsoever.

Sure, these guys work really hard, but when you think about it all they're doing is riding bikes as fast as they can, and riding a bike as fast as you can contributes about as much to society as the act of masturbating.  In fact, both acts are remarkably similar in that they can be lots of fun, they're not really hurting anybody, but they're not exactly helping either.  (Though I suppose both help your partner in that they leave you too exhausted to bother them.)  Therefore, like masturbating, riding bikes fast should be something people do entirely in their spare time--even at the highest level of the sport.  Stop enabling these people!  If a typical Cat 4 is willing to completely demean himself for a "pro deal" on a Cannondale what do you think a professional is going to do when an actual living is on the line?  Of course they're cheating!  The only solution is to give these people less, not more, and to treat riding bicycles fast like the act of onanism that it is.  (Sure, there are people who get paid to masturbate, but I'm sure they're using performance-enhancing drugs too.)

Of course, there's still the danger that riders may cheat so that they can capitalize on their victories in other ways (like writing books or opening fast food restaurant chains), but if we all do our part and completely and totally ignore all forms of bicycle racing then maybe they'll all just go away.

By the way, did you know that Dr. Michele Ferrari has a website and you can still hire him to coach you?


Though if you're wondering what it will cost you, that depends on your "exigencies:"

Due to the exclusive nature of the relationship with the athlete, your training solution will be personally priced in accordance with your exigencies, objectives specificity and possibilities as well as duration of the membership.

Feel free to discuss and plan together with us the best training solution to achieve your goals Ð send us an email to admin@53x12.com 

Quality and efficiency are the very basis of our training. 
Flexibility and exclusivity are the foundation of our service.

Which is why I've just sent him an email with the subject line "Cat 6 racer willing to do anything to make it."  Hopefully he'll understand what I mean by "anything" (that's street slang for TAKING DRUGS), though he does assert elsewhere on his site that he does not provide doping services:

As clearly demonstrated in Exibit A by Jack Robertson, this collaboration consisted exclusively of advice on training, saddle height adjustments, aerodynamic positioning, locations for training programs and competitions: NOTHING to do with doping. 

I understand completely.  So, like, how many ampoules of "saddle height" do I need to be the fastest guy over the Williamsburg Bridge?

Alas, the truth is that in cycling the only real heroes are the commuters.  The regular people.  The rank-and-file.  The ones who don't take the bus, even when it rains. (I lifted those last four sentences verbatim from yesterday's post, which is how we bike bloggers dope.  It's called a "homogeneous word transfusion.")  Unfortunately, as far as most of America is concerned, these real heroes can go fuck themselves, which is why in Boston they're posting ads like this:


(Wait, his head looks fine.  So if he had been wearing a helment he wouldn't have cut his chin?)

In other words, anything that happens to you when you don't have a piece of foam strapped to your head is your own damn fault as far as they're concerned.  Actually, anything that happens to you when you do have a piece of foam strapped to your head is also your own damn fault as far as they're concerned.  The helment is just your tacit acknowledgement that they can continue to drive recklessly.  Really, it's mostly just a threat thinly disguised as a PSA.

Also, it's worth pointing out that, at least in New York City, the dumbest riders you'll see are usually wearing helments.  (That doesn't mean that you shouldn't wear one.  It just means that congratulating yourself for wearing a helment is like congratulating yourself for masturbating.)  In particular, there is a direct relationship between doing completely idiotic things on a bicycle and wearing a slightly crooked Nutcase helment.  The streets are now teeming with riders on "vintage" ten speeds and My-First-Fixies in freewheel mode (front brake only, of course), salmoning and riding through red lights with that stupid "draftee in a foxhole" look of fear on their faces, as though some inexorable force is pulling them through the traffic signal or against traffic.  (I guess in their case a bicycle is technically an "inexorable force" since they have no idea how to control it.)  Of course, it's all perfectly fine because they're wearing their helments.  Their poorly-adjusted, off-kilter, "Hey, I've got a watermelon on my head!" helments.

(I guess people really want to look like watermelons.)

Furthermore, many of these riders are also using the new "serval" bicycle saddles, forwarded to me by a reader:


Though nobody's going to accuse Russell Crowe of not wearing proper safety gear when he rides in New York City, as in this photograph which was forwarded to me by another reader:


Not only is he wearing a protective helment and a protective beard, but he's also sporting serval more layers of clothing than I'd think necessary given that it's been like 60 degrees here.  (60 degrees Fahrenheit is approximately [mumblemumblemumble] degrees Celsius.)

Then again, Crowe probably dresses himself according to the Charity Ride Fred temperature scale, which calls for full Windstopper tights as soon as the temperature dips below 65.

Next time he's in down hopefully he'll opt for a "buddy bike," as forwarded by yet another reader:



Tandem buddy bike - $800 (shingletown)
Date: 2012-10-15, 6:35PM PDT
Reply to: [deleted}

I have a rare tandem buddy bike. This is not a home made bike. Its called a buddy bicycle. I think it was made in the 70s. Rides great. just installed new (chain-cables-break pads-tires-tubs). The left side is the side you steer from. Be the only one in the north state to have one. Asking $800.00 or best cash offer. Thanks Jim 530-474-[deleted]



What happens when one of the riders gets off?

119 comments:

McFly said...

?

Anonymous said...

POOO DIUM

P. Kirby said...

3rd?

Anonymous said...

Buddy Bike = Cool!

JB said...

Side by side Freds.

Innocent Bystander said...

Hoopty.

Chris said...

Second?!

Chris said...

Nope

Anonymous said...

Fitz! Top Ten!

streepo said...

top ten and read it. Buddy bike

mikeweb said...

Buzzzz.... Killer bees or vibrator?

And McFly finished before babbles?? How selfish...

mikeweb said...

In that photo Hincapie isn't wearing sunglasses OR shoe covers. Something is terribly, terribly wrong...

babble on said...

People get paid to masturbate??!

Anonymous said...

KNLB FRZD.

theEel said...

weed.

J said...

Tis true, I only run reds when I have an audacious helmet on, it makes me indestructible, and eccentrically fashionable.

babble on said...

Onanism... what a lovely little word!

Hmmm...I can't shake the feeling I am missing out on a great source of income.

Anonymous said...

°F to °C Deduct 32, then multiply by 5, then divide by 9

°C to °F Multiply by 9, then divide by 5, then add 32

°C to °A* Multiply by Chuck Norris, add ketchup, then go ahead and add some more.

*Degrees Amurkin

BOOB MATH

Paul Bowen said...

Dulwich Paragon now offers a branded helment and now I want a helment even though (a) I don't wear a helment and (bee) if I did wear this particular helment I wouldn't be able to jump reds anymore for fear that someone dobs me in to the Secretary. Hmm.

Buffalo Bill said...

The exigencies that gave rise to my helment wearing have nothing whatsoever to do with my fondness for onanism.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Top twenty exigencies.

Anonymous said...

"What happens when one of the riders gets off?"

The other rider has to get a towel.

Gold WCDM, GOLD!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to give professional sports in a facial, if you know what I mean.

RANTWICK said...

As one of the Chosen (commuter cyclists, that is) I must say I really like your current mindset. You are like the only person who doesn't hate us. You don't hate us so much that you wrote a book about it. I even got around to reading it, and so didn't even have to look up "onanism" today.

RANTWICK said...

I liked your book. Forgot to say that part. Snob second book good. First book no have read.

McFly said...

I will have you know I have a perscription for Jergens(tm) lotion and I get the Kleenx at cost.

Dave said...

Alas, the truth is that in cycling the only real heroes are the commuters. The regular people. The rank-and-file. The ones who don't take the bus, even when it rains.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if god made us by masturbating into a hanky?

babble on said...

This hero wants to know where you apply for all those onanistic type jobs...

babble on said...

McFly - does that mean you are already working in the industry?

Rollie said...

The guy in the healment ad suffers not from lack of a hamlent, but from lack of a Russell Crowe protective homeless-beard.

McFly said...

I really, really like it when foreign people say "go to hospital" and "attend universty". I want to start a movement where we do it here in 'Merka. I will go first.

I beleive I will visit titty bar this evening if time permits.

Dr. Romantical Skullfuck said...

I'm confused. Is onanism rubbing one out solo or pulling it out for the moneyshot? Let's go to our Resident Ejaculatory Sexpert......Babble On?

dcee604 said...

That guy in the ad needs a full-face downhill helment obviously.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Sorry I'm late. I was busy congratulating myself for masturbating.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

aerodynamic positioning

JB said...

Yes Babble, paid to masturbate [on video/internets].

Can someone please photoshop bearded Russell Crowe onto a recumbent, maybe recumbabe?

Michael Barry: "But as I realized my goals, I found reality was far from what I imagined." Oh really? I became a firefighter astronaut porn star and decided to quit and breed unicorns. It's worked out splendidly.

Anonymous said...

Since Snob is using yesterday's post I will leave a comment regarding yesterday's post:

"But I like my squiggly fork!"

Regarding today's post it would appear that "they all doped" is destined to be one of the biggest understatements of all time. The whole sport was rigged, top to bottom. That article over on VN this morning made me puke, kinda, a little. Then I came here and I'm all better.

Comment deleted said...

My band's secret, internal name was "The Sons of Onan"; also: the Knights of the Clammy Fist.

Anonymous said...

Tilford likes a little solo time himself.

Allison Hannigan said...

This one time....

At band camp....

A counselor onanismed on my butt cheeks....

He called it playing the one-eyed skin flute....

It was fun...

babble on said...

JB - yeah, sure, sure. The great lord Google already shut me down for my onanastic tendencies. I don't believe you for a moment.

Anonymous said...

I 'steer' from the RH side.
Jim Romney

The King of Park Slope said...

Those aren't helmets. The're just Rider fans.

McFly said...

So if I have had a vasectomy but still pull it out every now and then for forms sake is that known as Redundant Ghost Onanism?

Anonymous said...

"I understand completely. So, like, how many ampoules of "saddle height" do I need to be the fastest guy over the Williamsburg Bridge?"

GOLD SNOBBY GOLD!!

Captain Hardbread said...

thank you thank you Fofn off!

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree there wildcat, riding fast, ie professional cycling, is not only an enjoyable spectator sport but also a big industry that supports a bunch of satellite industries, which helps the economy and keeps the likes of Mike Sinyard and you living high on the hog. The same can be said about masturbation I suppose, except maybe the last part.

leroy said...

If you think about it, Mr. Gordon-Levitt's voiceover for the Premium Rush Trailer might have been more authentic with a little editing:

"I like to masturbate. Fixed gear. No brakes. Can't stop. Don't want to, either."


Some Guy said...

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Helmets+prevent+fatal+head+injuries+cyclists+Ontario+study/7397438/story.html

Anonymous said...

@anon 12:34, you lost me at multiply and divide... "Double it and add 30" - the great Bob and Doug MacKenzie. "holy cow, I'll have a six pack in metric please, that's like... (thinks, thinks, thinks) lots more!

Anonymous said...

I'd rather ride my bike than masturbate. I do, however, wear a helment during both activities, just in case.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Knights of the Clammy Fist? Never been asked to join. But I am pleased to report that I was elected President of the Brotherhood of the Morning Wood.

Captain Hardbread said...

is Russel on a tandem or is that guy sucking his wheel brow?

babble on said...

Dear Mr President,

I LOVE morning wood... it's the best wood of the day.

Yours truly,
Canadian Beaver

Hipster Cipo said...

Scranus tats

McFly said...

Have yous guyz seen the episode of Workaholics where the hot Australian chick is temping in the office so the 3 guys decide to go rub one out in the car in the parking lot so they can focus on work? AT THE SAME TIME. It highlarious.

#1 Hoser said...

The leader of the Kanadian KKK's title is 'The Grand Beaver' 'Le Grande Beavre'

Rouge Neck said...

A picture of an African-American followed by a watermelon helment? Subliminal racism...you 'da man, wildcat!

Anonymous said...

After years of indoctrination, I [sheepishly] admit that I now wear a helment [though, I can remember when I was a kid in the 50s and 60s, bike helmets were leather & French, and only serious road racers wore them]. However, I do have some pride, so I forgo [forwent?] the traditional hairnet-style for what is called [I think] a "skater's helmet," which looks like a cut down motorcyclist's helmet. Regarding masterbation, when I was a kid in the 1950s...

Commentariat said...

BGW!!!!!!! Is that you?

ken e. said...

"but not forgotten"

McFly said...

Like it's predecessors, the 3-wheeler and lawn darts, that buddy-bike should immediately be outlawed. But I do like the white-letter tire on the back.

Anonymous said...

When the shit hits the fan:

http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/report-did-nike-pay-dollar-500000-to-verbruggen-to-cover-up-armstrong-positive

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

babble on,

McFly is just an unpaid intern at this point until he gets good enough to go pro. Problem is, he's giving it away for free!

grog said...

BABE BEEE

babble on said...

Hmm. Yes, yes, I SEE what you mean... and it appears he's giving away more than just his OWN personal services, too, bless his generous soul.

Doper4Eva said...

Scranus is the Seam of Life

wishiwasmerckx said...

Nike once paid me $500,000.00 to deliver one of those infamous white lunchbags to a shady intermediary in Girona, Spain named Pepe. Curiosity got the better of me and I peeked inside. It contained a Braunschweiger sandwich on marble rye.

McFly said...

PULI TOUT

NOBU LITS

WATD AFUQ

Anonymous said...

FUCK NIKE

Anonymous said...

Tilford gets a new website.
Snob recycles bloggage.

Need I say more?

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:33,
See even Lance takes time to apply ointments down there on his junk. DURING A BIKE RACE.

Team Mechanic: "Geez man why is your front deruiller always gummed up?"

PatrickBateman said...

watermelon helmats are perfect for once you get run over - will just look like juicy, delicious watermelon rather than your brains. perfact.

geezus snob, i don't know how i feel having to look up multiple word in one blog posting. i guess mostly i just feel dumb.

thank you very little for making me feel dumb.

Dooth said...

The bee's knees...was bikesgonewild.

babble on said...

just sayin'...?

babble on said...

Master Bateman
Consider yourself lucky! I get that feeling all on my own ... every single day.

Anonymous said...

I like dumb girls. "Hey I bet you can't get you panties off without taking your shoes off first."

"We'll, well....aren't you just sharp?"

Friendo said...

MSTR BATE
CONG RATS
INXR ABLE
HOTC ROWE
OVER HEAT

Jefe said...

Since I am about to commute home by bike in the rain, I am glad to know it is heroic.

Hey, how much for three exigencies?

Anonymous said...

When one rider gets off, the other rider gets off, too.
Wink. Wink.
That's the "buddy" part.

Anonymous said...

The buddy bike was clearly invented by a dentist.

Yoda said...

Babble on. Babylon. Coincidence? Not, think I.

Anonymous said...

BGW, Where art thou?

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Hot damn I'm a HEE-ROW!
Snobby sez!

Anonymous said...

@McFly-2:48. Man, if you've never been in a circle jerk, you haven't truly lived. Me and four buddies. Flood Junior High in Englewood Co. 1969. Polaroid snatch pic of one guys sis. He bowed out. I made podium!

Anonymous said...

Dear snob,

The buddy bike is a copy of the malvern star sociable from the 1930s, and can be ridden solo by leaning slightly.

You need not worry about having no friends.

McFly said...

I never did "attend circle jerk", my buddies dad, where I stayed most of the tIme, watched ALOT of porn. Another piece of the puzzle falls into place. Plus my buddies next door cousin had huge boobs and would unleash them on me from time to time. Sigh, good times. Plus they had a wet bar. She had wet stuff, too. Dirty Dee Dee.

Anonymous said...

Wanking comedy is really hard. To get right.
Todays comments are evidence enough.

When I wank it's not at all like a bike race except at the finish when I raise both arms above my head in a victory salute. A fist pump maybe too.

Boosh!

babble on said...

But no Olson Twins Victory Lap?

Anonymous said...

60 = 15.6

Telegram Sam said...

First book is better, fwiw. Second book he's trying to be all zen good vibes while he's really a seething New York Jew (like myself, which is why I can say that).

Telegram Sam said...

Hey, how'd that Bed Stuy guy's coffee meet-up go? Anybody pop by, kill him, and steal all his stuff?

Grump said...

The "Russell Crowe" bit was pretty funny.
.
.
At least i thought so.
.
.

Fritz said...

I love my watermelon helmet
so Pis soff Snobbo

Vegas said...

My exigencies expect nothing less than 55X11 from a world-infamous doping coach. Ferrari my ass.

Ashley Olson said...

Sometimes I swear its like we can

Kate Olson said...

finish each others hand jobs.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

100!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wow! Kate and Ashley so nice to under you two.

Anonymous said...

Tandem means one behind the other. Duh!

CyclingAdvocate/Exorcist said...

Damn it! I wish everyone would be a cyclist...Damn it!

Anonymous said...

I think that's Red Green and the uni bomber on the buddy bike.

McFly said...

KENDA SMALL BLOCK 8s! (Less rolling resistance, just ask John Tomac.)

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

The Boston thing is three miles long and not only has those signs but new paint in the bike lanes which says : wear a he melt, no excuses. it pisssed me of so on both my heroic way to and from work today.

really, don't ticket the cars parked in the lanes, don't reprimand the left hooks, don't scold the salmon or the light runners on bike - juts make sure the cyclists wear helmets.

what funking idiot throu of this, Mr. Mayor?



Babble,
I've got a lead on one of those jobs for you. They need to see pictures first. Get in touch.

Helment Hat said...

You doubting Thomases - dontcha know helments stop all face injuries - just look at Lance - http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Sport/Pix/pictures/2010/5/21/1274429146836/Lance-Armstrong-bleeds-fr-006.jpg

Anonymous said...

Three observations Mr. Bike Snob. Stupid riders ride stupidly helmet or not, and if getting rid of bike racing will get rid of "freds' then I'm all for it and often times I will notice a "fred" actually behaving on a bike and after closer examination, notice a rack and bags and then I realize that I'm not seeing a "fred" but a commuter.

Anonymous said...

The real bike heroes are the ones who ride without pretense.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant article, "Keep Rooting for Lance Armstrong". in The National Review

Author? Robert Lipsyte, who has his own 'web site' named after him.

apparently we are nutty "anti dopers" while the dopers themselves are making life better, faster, stronger, etc.

this guy used to write for the NY Times. lulz.

Salty and Sore said...

Anon 12:50 and wiwm- FTW!

(comment-doping rulz.. I should be getting my upgrade points for Cat 2 commentaterating soon. hoping, hoping, hoping..)

babble on said...

Esteemed Daddo- talk to my agent, he's around here somewhere...

leroy said...

Mr. Armstrong stepping down from Livestrong?

That's like Mickey Mouse leaving Disneyland to placate the folks who run Sea World.

ce said...

I've never really liked Mickey Mouse.

Wendell Fogmaster said...

When I saw that bloodied black guy I assumed it was a Boston PD recruitment ad.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Wild Ass Schlock Magpie:

Thanks for the Cockie consideration.

To prove that I am indeed a better "photog" than you, I once again hunted down my prey, reached into my chrome bag of courage, and got up close to take another shot.

It's in your in box now.

Anonymous said...

man saving nature stung by bees!

oh man that makes me laugh and laugh EVERY time.

i mean, EVERY TIME.

ironic if ya think about it.

Anonymous said...

Checked Rider fans , nice , she doesn't sit in my section though I am west sider:)luvin the snob at work it helps make the day more tolerable and even cerebal, until, the anticipated ride home and proudly it will be in the rain today!

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