Monday, October 22, 2012

Boared to Death: And The Cockie Goes To...

During the work week, commuting by bicycle in Manhattan is fraught with frustrations and obstacles.  Gridlock, dead bodies, and people from New Jersey are just a few of the maddening things that will impede your progress.  Also, thanks to a collaboration between the DOT and the DEP, every third Thursday we now have something called "Puma Streets," in which thousands of live pumas are released into the urban environment.  Once freed, they tend to pounce from lampposts onto the heads of the unsuspecting.  There you are, emerging from a deli with a cup of hot coffee, and the next thing you know you've got a large cat of prey clinging tenaciously to your scalp.

Of course, by late Friday afternoon they've usually got most of the pumas rounded up and gassed, but that doesn't mean weekends don't bring their own problems for the bicycle commuter.  For example, large portions of the avenues are often closed for street fairs:


New York City is one of the greatest cities in the world, and apart from a soda larger than 16 ounces or a decent burrito you can purchase anything you could possibly imagine here at pretty much any time of the day or night.  Pick any city our country in the world, and if you can't actually visit it there's probably a neighborhood in New York City that's the next-best thing and only a bike or subway ride away.  Nevertheless, the city persists in closing random streets at random times and snarling traffic so that people can sell you gyros and bootleg Yankees caps.  I'm not sure why this is, since it seems like closing a three-star restaurant so you can host a pop-up McDonald's in it, but I just assume it has something to do with the mafia.

Then, once you've circumvented the street fairs, you're bound to get trapped in some kind of charity activity, which is what happened to me when the breast cancer walk took over my bike lane:


Moments after I took this photo the straggler was pounced upon my an errant puma, but I successfully scared it off of her by applying shorts blasts of air to its face with my mini pump.

Yesterday also saw the running of the Bike MS ride, and while I certainly respect the cause I also knew the area roadie corridors would be even more congested than usual, so once again I sought refuge in the wilderness.  It's now been over a year since I've taken delivery of my Engin all-terrain style bicycle, and every ride on it makes me happy that I did:


In fact, the bike makes me so ridiculously happy that it's the only all-terrain style bicycle I've been riding since I got it, and so yesterday I decided to ride my other bike with the clicky gears and the bouncy fork instead:


It's a lot of fun getting on a shifty bouncy bike after spending a lot of time on a non-shifty bumpy bike.  Then again, it's also a lot of fun to ride a non-shifty bumpy bike after spending a lot of time on a shifty bouncy bike.  It's like when you eat some salty delicious chips, and that makes you want some ice cream, and then the ice cream makes you want the chips again, so you go back and forth and back and forth and get stuck in a salty/sweet feedback loop.  Then, you wake up four hours later, shirtless and with your face stuck to the sofa cushions.

Don't act like it hasn't happened to you too.

Speaking of feedback, on Friday I posted this cockpit contest submission:


Which I like very much because: 1) it's refreshingly simple; and A) it reminds me of a wild boar:


Before the whole "Puma Streets" thing they used to release wild boars into the subway stations.  The trick was to get them to charge at you and then step away at the last second so they'd either get run over by an approaching train or else get electrocuted on the third rail.  I can still remember that burnt-hair-and-bacon smell when someone managed to pull off the latter scenario.  Mmm, delicious.

Anyway, in addition to posting the picture I included a poll:


Apparently, 1,035 people think the wild boarpit shouldn't win.  However, one person does think I should "just pick a fucking winner already:"


At first I was insulted, but then I realized that "sh3rp4" was absolutely correct, and that I could conceivably wind up sitting on this contest for months or even years.  Therefore, I am picking a winner, and here it is:


I sincerely apologize to the 78% of people who disagree with my choice, but I secretly enjoy being contrary, and also this is what happens in an electoral college system.  Congratulations to the winner, and I will be in touch sometime in the coming months or years to arrange delivery of your Knog prizeways.  (You will be getting Knog Blinder USB-rechargeable lights, which I love, but which are bright enough to blow your face off, so always wear sunglasses while handling.)




McQuaid was defiant over questions regarding assertions by Floyd Landis and others that the UCI had accepted a $100,000 donation from Armstrong in 2002 in exchange for concealing a positive drugs test at the 2001 Tour de Suisse.

“There is no connection between the donation to the UCI and a test covered up, because there was no test to cover up,” said McQuaid, who added that the federation would accept donations from athletes in the future. “We would accept it differently and announce it differently than we did before.” 

In other words, the UCI doesn't shit where it eats.  Rather, it finishes eating, lets someone else pick up the check, and then leaves a great big steamer for a tip.

And with that, the sport of cycling is now totally clean.  Nicely done, everybody.

Also, you know what has absolutely nothing to do with doping and professional cycling?  Cyclists who are injured or killed by motorists.  Nevertheless, for some reason the New Yorker decided this was a suitable illustration for an ostensibly humorous piece about the whole Armstrong debacle:


See that?  The guy on the bike's getting mauled by a car!  Hilarious.  Ah, cyclists.  So vulnerable.  So hapless.  I love urbane humor.

Meanwhile, you may recall that some time ago I mentioned Stradalli, the bicycle company with the most cumbersome URL in the industry:


And the company who uses models like this:



To sell crabon bikes to people like this:


Well, a reader informs me that they've offered Lance Armstrong a job:



Armstrong has been influential in the adoption and development of carbon race frames, as well as other components and accessories. He has changed modern cycling and today many of his design contributions are part of the racing norm. Stradalli Cycle has made an official job offer to Lance Armstrong for an undisclosed amount. His response is not yet known.

Of all that's happened over the past few weeks somehow this is the one that really drives things home.  Getting a job offer from Stradalli after you've lost all your sponsors and wins is like getting a $50 gift certificate to Bed Bath & Beyond after the bank has foreclosed on your house.

Lastly, moving on to the happier world of romantic comedy, Hugh Grant has apparently moved to Portland:



Ballet, bell helmets, bicycles, bridges - m4w - 34 (SE Hawthorne - Bagdad Theater)
Date: 2012-10-16, 9:29PM PDT

You: beautiful blonde bicyclist outside the Bagdad theater. Great smile and sense of humor, with a keen sense of direction. Me: brown hair, black bike, befuddled. I (sincerely) asked you for directions to a good bike route heading west from the Bagdad Theater after OMSI Science Pub: The Physics of Ballet. You may have thought it was the lamest pick-up attempt ever, which it was, because I didn't realize I was picking up on you at the time. During our chat you noticed we had the same Bell helmet. "Twins!" I said, because I'm selectively clever. When I proceeded to follow your directions, you soon caught up with me, and I jokingly called you a stalker. You pointed out that I'm the one that started the conversation with you. Then you had to go south while I continued west. Well, I'd like to continue our conversation, even though I'm clearly a bit daft and need directions on how to flirt and be flirted with, as well as to the nearest bike route. I can always use another reason to peddle across the Hawthorne bridge. Let's add some trips to that bike counter that was recently installed. 

I'm pretty sure that in Portland misspelling "pedal" as "peddle" can get you banished to Washington state.

110 comments:

Anonymous said...

ta da

cycle

babble on said...

aaaaand GOOD morning!

Naame said...

No comments?

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

Anonymous said...

Top ten beehatches.

McFly said...

MoreStradelliGirl.....you know the drill...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Smoothly in the top 10.

Paul Bowen said...

Morning all. First top 10 for a while.

Rollie said...

GAAAAA doping

ken e. said...

zzzzz! (that's my mavic hub sound)

..and then I said...

Wrong.

Lance Armstrong officially won no big races on crabon bicycles.

Greg LeMond did.

Plus, he did it with 37 shotgun pellets lodged in his body.

babble on said...

I just hate it when all the dead bodies get in my way of a morning...

theEel said...

weed.

Durty Byrd said...

A time to blog, a time to Dope
A time to win, a time to sleep
A time to conceal your doping with donations,
a time to weep.


Anonymous said...

Hey - who you called dead, babble?

cycle

babble on said...

And thank you for being so contrary, dearest snobbikins. 79% of people clearly don't know what dafuq they're looking at when they're face to face with mad genius.

television_writer said...

Stradalli knows the road-racing-cycling-pretending bike consumer.

Male dopers seeking local Cat 6 glory. USA Cycling's favourite customer. Evar.

Other Dutch-like sounding brand names reselling Asian crabon are in trouble!


Working on a doping plot for the Premium Rush 2 script the producer will like. Not easy with the UCI around turning high-crime fiction into fact.

Anonymous said...

Hey Babble maybe if you had a better safe-word there would not be so many dead bodies.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Good thinking. Fifty shades of babble on....

McFly said...

Nice Black Market socks. That sweet/salty feedback loop hit a little to close to home for my tastes. Tastes.

bk jimmy said...

Photo By: You!

http://hollywoodonbicycle.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/bsnyc.jpg

mikeweb said...

Snob,

Some of us get other parts of our bodies stuck to the sofa cushions for entirely different reasons.

Anonymous said...

WILD BOAR

LUVH ANDLE

either way, I just sensed the win. I liked the Jumping Spider entry from Australia's used bandaid better, as the ability to start wildfires during a cool evenings commute is way cool.

velobotomy said...

Don't panic, Snob, but it looks like two disembodied feet were set to pounce on your shifty bouncy bike. I hope that it survived the encounter.

Anonymous said...

NO WAY!!! I voted no on that redonkulous cockpit. NO WAY, aw shit, fuckit. First Lance, now this, shiiit.

RANTWICK said...

Peddle. Break. What else, now... help me out here...

Anonymous said...

FWIW Babble and others, my safe word is shhhrubbery.

BI KENS NOB

ridethewomble said...

Street fairs are for tube socks.

Anonymous said...

UCI. What a bunch of fucking hypocrites.

McFly said...

Am I crazy or does Stradelli Tri-Guy have bigger knockers than Straddledelli Girl? HGH man, it's bad shit.

Slutty College Girl said...

Note to Self: Must change safe-word from "Deeper" to something more......halty.

velobotomy said...

I imagine that the UCI would have been willing to stand behind Lance if he had been willing to make another "donation."

Anonymous said...

That Cockie winner has a "wide stance". Good for clearing a path through bike lanes obnstructed by pop-up McDonald's pedaling burgers (see what I did there?)

PEDD LEME

Anonymous said...

a cougar pounced upon by an errant puma - Zoo York, indeed

middle aged German tourist

Anonymous said...

LeMond !!

DHBOOM said...

I wonder: are Stradalli girl's shoes clitted?

Anonymous said...

Yeah McQuaid, better to leave it no declared winner, than to go bankrupt trying to find the first clean guy to finish.

Darren Steel said...

I saw a dead body once in Amsterdam. Honest.

I didn't have my bike or anything.

Drugs/lance/Amsterdam... it's a kind of link.

Blog Drafter said...

I get the feeling that if Lance ever comes clean it will make "Shitstorm 2012" look like Howdy Doody time. Imagine the full scoop on who-what-when-where-how and perhaps why...there won't be a single sponsor left and pro cycling will be history.

Anonymous said...

what is all of this talk of lance armstrong and doping, did I miss something?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

TUBE SOCK
MANB OOBS

Anonymous said...

Puma Streets is 100 percent bulls-eye. I can easily—easily—visualize the public announcement of the program for the TV news, with crazed, roaring caged cats in the background, where each pol and commissioner gets a minute at the mike to brag about it, and is then sped away in official cars before the cages are opened. And then the inevitable press conference where Bloomberg insults and dismisses reporters who ask whether reintroducing top-level carnivores to the urban ecosystem was really a good idea. Welcome to fucking New York City.

McFly said...

An Open Letter to Stradalli Model,

I realize there will be many hard obstacles in your future. Never the less, I am willing to stand behind you 100% on your decisions.

jayteepee said...

Well I was certainly surprised to find my CL posting reprinted here for the amusement of your tens of readers. I found it to be about as funny as the directions to the gay bath house that the subject of my post provided me (not that there's anything wrong with that). Everyone's a fuckin' comedian, I tell ya.

And, Mister Smartypants Blogger, I really did mean to write "peddle", and not "pedal" as you snarkily tried to infer. I'm always on the lookout for alternate venues to set up my artisanal balloon animal booth, and in fact think business just might be better on the other side of the river. So there.

Anonymous said...

Today's Snobblog post is like the NYT's Monday Crossword puzzle - easy. Or gentle, if you prefer.
Will the remainder of this week's posts ramp up the righteousness and fury as the NYT's puzzles traditionally ramp up in difficulty? Will Friday's post be virtually impossible to read without tears, terror and tantrums?
We can only hope...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Puma on my feet, really.

Anonymous said...

WRM on Lance: And with that, the sport of cycling is now totally clean. Nicely done, everybody.

That's how I feel about the fire department: When they put out a fire, all you hear is, like, "thanks so much, great job, so brave". I'm like, "and with that, the city is now totally fireproof. Nicely done everybody."

g-roc said...

The beauty of cycling is it's easy to outride those zombies, so the dead bodies are really only a hazard to peds and a boon to the local car wash.

I like the subtlety of the warthog bike. Sort of like the snake fangs, yet a big FU to those who hacksaw their handlebars. If you or your load are particularly wide, they double as whiskers to alert you that you won't fit between those two cars. Still, I voted against them - lacks the blatant lunacy that warns of a mentally unstable owner.

Anonymous said...

My beer almost came out my nose at your cockie winner announcement. You are a crowd pleaser, ain't ya. On the creepy side, I zoomed in on your leg hair. I've skeeved myself out now and will go away.

I am a saddened engine said...

I like the euthanasia of new york with wild pumas and wild boars.

Next time you see a saftig runner, about to become puma meal, let the puma get her.

Don't go out there playing god.

I recommend a test run of pumas at the boars at uci headquarters first.

This Lance pile-on is getting real old

Anonymous said...

The previous commenter who said it was his Craigslist post is an impostor. I'm the real one. Anyway, I reconnected with the gal who gave me directions and we had dirty sex in the cargo area of my bakfiets.

Dooth said...

I don't know about that cockpit winner...something's missing--
AERO BARS!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:25pm,

In my kooky, zany, irreverent worldview professional sports and firefighting are completely different. But I realize I'm unusual that way, to most they seem to be equally important.

On the other hand, I do think the soda ban is a good comparison. "And with that, everybody's totally healthy. Nice job everybody."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Saftig, Zaftig, who cares? It's all about the boobs either way.

Present Co. Excluded said...

Yes. Boobs. I like gurlz bekause boobs.

md said...

Unrelated to post, but this audience would know better than anyone where to get p clamps in NYC / brooklyn? The things to attach racks to bikes that weren't made to have racks?

Thanks

McFly said...

One of the older, more distinguished, fast as hell mofo's showed up for a ride on a Stradalli the other day. I was like are you kidding me? I thought those things were make-believe. Like the tooth-bunny, Santa and Sex-With-No-Strings-Attached.

Peniscchio said...

I fucked a puppet with no strings attached.

Anonymous said...

I like the pumas in new york idea, snobby. It would really be a nice complement to my anti-obesity campaign. Kill off a few 100,000 slow running fatties.

Have my people call your people, we'll do lunch.

Mayor B

Anonymous said...

KNLB FRZD (ZOD)

Minerva's Parrot said...

The weekend acid trip apparently hadn't ended when this one got posted. I mean, you have to be hallucinating to see any conspiracy in Lance's donation.

Now pumas, feet, and warthogs, that shit's intense...

babble on said...

What did I miss? Mmmm ...dirty, no strings attached boobies...

Nice to see none of you lot have been sleeping on the job while I was away.

Minerva's Parrot said...

@md: You want a penis clamp and rack? Try Purple Passion in Chelsea. Maybe pick up a chain and nipple wrench there too.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with Anon@1:04! The only consolation is that this "WINNING!" cockpit rider could certainly use some Knog lights to go with that lonely rear reflector. Perhaps, then, he/she won't end up as Puma bait during a dark & overcast weekend street fair.

sherpa said...

Just get onto the next fucking contest already. (I have to be able to win one of these.)

g-roc said...

Present Co. Excluded: Well, you must have loved the Stradalli rider, he's got quite the impressive rack. He must feel so objectified. Look at my face when you talk to me, LOOK AT MY FACE!

Anonymous said...

Pick any city our country in the world, and if you can't actually visit it there's probably a neighborhood in New York City that's the next-best thing and only a bike or subway ride away.

Got any neighbourhoods there? That would make me feel like I am in Canada, or some other great English speaking nation.

Nice try with the "our" spelling of "or," but even we write it "or."

Anonymous said...

Thanks for commentary on the "cyclists getting hit by cars is funny" car culture.

This weekend I was hit--I'm OK, with a taco'd wheel and jammed wrist--and the depth of injustice and anger I feel has not yet been reached.

On a another note, Armstrong's multi-million dollar yearly cash flow has been interrupted. Tough break, Lance.

Anonymous said...

I offered Lance a job, too.
I needed someone to rake leaves. Offered him $10/hr.
Punkass never got back to me.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I have an idea for your next contest; "Fred" acronym. My submission: "Frantically Riding Exceptionally Delusional."

Every time one passes me (and of course not saying "on your left" or ringining a bell) I want to ask "are you winning?"

McFly said...

F.R.E.D

First Road Excursion Douche

Anonymous said...

FRED = DERF

The Legend of NINOR as seen on AHTBM:
http://jasonphillipstattoo.wordpress.com/2012/10/02/the-legend-of-ninor/

frilly said...

Getting ready to hibernate, Snobbie? I see you're growing out your leg hair.

Cipo said...

Whya did you have to use the M word?
Couldn't you just have said: business interests?

Cipo said...

Do you know why that Stradalli model is making that face? My pinky is in her ass flower.

Anonymous said...

What's the Fred equivalent in mountain bicycle cycling called? I suggest they be called a "Carl"

y'know, "I saw Carl riding his $7000 full suspension on the gravel path down by the lake the other day"

Anonymous said...

Just look at those High School shop class welds
http://www.flickr.com/photos/stradalli-cycle/6649138209/sizes/l/in/photostream/

Anonymous said...

Anon 6:25 -- Welds? What welds?

Anonymous said...

@ 6:25,

anon 6:34 is correct. I did ask my GF about the welds, she said they were lumpy, uneven, slaggy, weak, blown out, and terrible.

Straw deli

McFly said...

His/her welder was not hot enough, the steel was not clean, and his/her shielding gas was not.......shielding. Also, boobs.

Anonymous said...

I got boared about halfway through this blog.

echuck said...

As someone suffering from xenophobia (not really but kind of), tell 'em to stay in Portland!

WASH XENO

babble on said...

anon@ 4:58 - long as you're alive you're winning.

Anonymous said...

Big black pussies in NYC.
Pouncing.

yankees suck said...

meanwhile in boston, we frankenstein our own recumbents

McFly said...

Driving back from a swim meet in Memphis yesterday my stepdad says "So that one guy you ride with that's real good, has he ever went and DONE the Tour De France?" True story.

The Return of the Curse of the Bambino said...

LAST PLACE.

Shirley Gnome said...

My ass flower got over-pollinated this weekend.

ITWI LTED

yankees scuk said...

on a more interesting note: John Pucher's recent lecture at the Hahvahd GSD (or egghead designer circle-jerk aka where architecture and planning is headed in 5 years)

babble on said...

Big black pussy
walked through my door,
not my pussy
though I've seen it before.

This cat has a rep
in the hood it's true
for his fierce fangs and claws
and his nasty temper, too.

So I let him be
not a word was said
when he walked into the closet,
and fell asleep on the bed.

True story. Fucker is still there.

Anonymous said...

the comment section is *almost* my favourite part of this whole BSNYC thing.

Dr Ruth said...

Babble,
Just pet that pussy until you receive a cockie.

babble on said...

purrrr

Anonymous said...

The buddy tandem bike would win The Cranky hands down.

JD0g said...

^ Wow, those welds blow goats! The bottle bosses are criminal! I originally voted NO on the boar-pit, but tonight I see the genius in having a tool to grind along those occupy-bike-lane drivers. (all 217 of them I counted between Red Hook and Washington Heights this evening. Well, maybe I'd skip the 23 cop cars at 124th.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Here's some cougar lynx. I'm not lion...

Anonymous said...

Ms. Babble, I beg to differ. Just because you're alive, doesn't mean your living. I'f your not living your not winning. Judging by your blog, you are both living and winning!

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Somebody needs to send that picture of those awful welds to Lance. The last thing he needs right now is to just take the first job offer that comes along only to find out later what kind of outfit he got mixed up in.

David G said...

aka Anon 2:25pm, replying to BSNYC 2:39pm:

Yes, I clearly said, and obviously believe, that pro sports and firefighting are the same. I definitely was NOT making an analogy to illustrate a point, that's for sure.

BTW, the USADA people and I are getting together for the annual straw-man convention next month, in case anyone wants to come with.

But, FWIW, factually I'm OK with the comparison with the "soda ban", as you call it. Mostly I wish Bloomberg had gone home to Boston long ago, but prohibiting sale of sugar water in extremely large cups at food-service locations (oh hell, "soda ban") is one of the few good initiatives the sanctimonious little prick may leave behind when he goes home to Bermuda.

No, it won't make everyone "totally healthy", but it's actually a very well-aimed stab at mitigating a serious problem by targeting one of its most egregiously bad manifestations. Kind of like …… anybody come to mind?

(You may actually agree with me about the soda thing; the tone of your reply was cryptic. Though while I never suggested firefighting and pro sports are "equally important", you actually do seem to be saying that for spectator sports and public health. Bit odd.)

Thanks for the reply though, seriously.

And as long as I control the Internet for a moment, may I suggest that the next contest be a New Yorker-style caption competition for that high-larious picture of a car killing a cyclist? My entry would be that it's the aftermath of a "do you have any Grey Poupon?" inquiry gone very wrong.

McFly said...

Angie Prime is just hot enough to be ALOT of fun but just unhot enough to do the dirty unmentionables I require late at night behind closed car doors.

P. Bateman said...

any Fredder wearing an aero hellmat deserves to have a puma rain down from above, or to have a wild boar bike (AKA - the Boss Hog) ride by and clip his genitalia - no matter how diminutive.

Anonymous said...

Tilford is no fan of Dr. Lim, Like LeMond suggested to Lance back in the day Tilford advises guys like Taylor Phinney, Tim Johnson and Vande Velde to stay away from Allen Lim.

Frank Nitti said...

So the UCI takes big donations and then lies like a rug. So how exactly is that any different than the two pol parties that run this country?

J said...

Much props to all that cycle in Manhattan! It's all too much for my nerves that I stay in Queens. Anyone else been hit by a car? That New Yorker pic makes me want to send them a firm but polite letter that I'm sure no one will read.

jams run free said...

I'd like to see a pic of a New Yorker writer wiping his ass with toilet paper made from reCYCLED New Yorker mags.

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

David G, I agree with you, but I'm cutting Snobby some slack. Lance befriended him early in his blogging career, and so he's understandably having some trouble dealing with his hero's crash-n-burn. Lots of other fans have been a lot more irrational about the consequences of the "prince's" actions. Again, it's natural and to be expected. I think they will get over it. At least I hope so.

Time wounds all heels.

Enlightenment said...

nice work

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