Wednesday, October 31, 2012

And The Wind Whispers "Wednesday"

Ostensibly this is a humorous blog.  However, there are times when even the most fatuous blogger must put on his reporter's fedora and play the journalist.  So with Sandy bearing down on New York City like an EPO-addled peloton on a doomed breakaway, I set out on my bicycle to document the storm and its aftermath, and you can view all my photographs here.

Yeah, right.  If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you should know perfectly well by now that I'm the sort of person who spent the duration of the storm sobbing under a table and then only ventured outside about forty minutes ago when my cravings for fresh bagels finally became too strong to resist.  Even then, while walking, I made sure to stay as close to devoutly religious people as possible, figuring that just in case "God" exists He'd be less likely to smite the devout with falling tree branches.  (By the way, despite their many differences, one similarity between Orthodox Jews and Muslims is that they both object very strongly to being shadowed by cowardly bloggers.)

Fortunately though there was a real bike blogger imported from Portland in the form of Jonathan Maus of BikePortland to take up the slack, and while I was simpering and whimpering he was out investigating:

In fact, even before the storm he managed to take the sorts of photographs that have eluded me throughout my entire blogular career.  For example, here's a shot of Bradley Wiggins in 20 years:




A picture like this would be the culmination of my entire blogging career.  Meanwhile, this guy hops off a plane and bags it as easily as a slice of pizza.  I mean, I knew I sucked, but it's still humbling to realize exactly how deeply I suck:


Still, at least I'm enough of a journalist to visit the HarderBikes website, where I learned that this is a "prone" bike:


Here's the backstory, which reads more like a cautionary tale:


The beginning was a single-speed mountain bike geared up for a rapid commute with a little suspension, front and back. As time went on, the gearing rose, pedals clipped and softtail gave way to hardtail with a suspension seatpost. Once speeds grew to a point where the bikepath was no longer a welcome home, the bike had to be made more demanding. Thoughts wandered to charging full time and how to make a ride for that purpose. No matter how far the bars and stem were lengthened and dropped, very little weight could be shifted to the upper body with tradition frame geometry.
Hence, the project. Since the saddle wasn't necessary, the prototype frame was simple once the angles were chosen. A steeper head angle and short rear "triangle" helped balance out the lengthed wheelbase created by the elongated cockpit. The downtube was stretched 12 inches longer than that of a 21" mountain bike frame. a short headtube and mild bottom bracket drop kept the posture as aggressive as possible.

First you're "slamming that stem," next you're getting an even longer one, and before you know it you're ridin' doggy style.  Still, I'd like to congratulate the designer for inventing the exact opposite of a practical bicycle--though it's still no H-Zontal:


The H-Zontal is the "Dark Side Of The Moon" of prone bicycles.

Speaking of the storm, by about 4:00pm on Monday it was rapidly approaching full strength.  Outside the window the trees were thrashing about like mullets at a Slayer concert, and with each flicker of the lights I waited for the power outage that, amazingly, never came.  I also checked Twitter for news updates, and at exactly 4:26pm I saw this:

Good for you.

By the way, Armstrong continues to be stripped of accolades like a Bikesdirect fixie gets stripped of parts, and the latest to go are his keys to the city of Adelaide:


Which, judging from the accompanying photograph, were presented to him inside of a shoe.  However, the Adelaide City Council won't actually come here to collect the key because they can't afford it:

The website reports that rather footing the expense of travelling to the US to retrieve the key, Armstrong's name would be removed from the honour board where the recipients are listed. 

Presumably because they've been spending too much money giving celebrities keys:

Others to have received the honour include Cher, who sold her key on eBay for close to $93,000 earlier this year, the Dalai Lama and comedian Barry Humpries who is perhaps best known as Dame Edna Everage.

And because last year they went all the way to Austin to give Armstrong his key, only to find him not at home:

In 2011, Yarwood travelled to the US to hand-deliver the key to Armstrong, with Adelaide rate-payers covering the partial cost of the trip however, the American was not in residence in Texas. The key was later posted to him.

If I were an Adelaidean taxpayer I'd be really, really fucking irritated by now, since apparently this key racket is costing the city a fortune and the only person actually benefitting financially from it is Cher.

By the way, I'm also fairly sure that the Dalai Lama's key was accepted by Barry Humphries, who looks exactly like His Holiness when he's not in drag:


(Humpries as Dame Edna (L) and out of costume (R).)

Or maybe it was the other way around and they actually gave Dame Edna's key to the Dalai Lama in drag.  When you give away so many sets of spare keys it gets very difficult to keep track.

Meanwhile, the Tour de France-winningest American cyclist is once again Greg LeMond, and by now you've no doubt read his impassioned (but apparently not proofread) plea to impeach Pat McQuaid:


Can anyone help me out? I know this sounds kind of lame but I am not well versed in social marketing. I would like to send a message to everyone that really loves cycling. I do not use twitter and do not have an organized way of getting some of my own "rage" out.

LeMond is certainly entitled to bask in his moment of glory, but has anyone reminded him that he does use Twitter?



I mean, he's got the blue check mark and everything. 

Of course, one professional cyclist who is well-versed in social networking is Jens Voigt, who recently wrote a blog post assuring his many fans that he never doped:



So, to summarize, over the years Jens Voigt:

--Came up in the East German sports program alongside men who ate Volgas and women with beards;
--Turned pro the year before the Festina affair;
--Rode for Bjarne Riis;
--Rode for Johan Bruyneel.

Yet during that time he "never saw anything firsthand," which means he's somehow missed out on the biggest moments in modern sports doping history despite being right in the middle of pretty much all of them.  In other words, he's basically the anti-Forrest Gump.  

As for me, I've become jaded, which is why I now only follow bike racing for the costumes--like this one:


Now that's cycling I can believe in.

113 comments:

Joseph Ording said...

boop

Joseph Ording said...

boop

Anonymous said...

take care of the girls, ladies.

http://www.poramoralastetas.cl/index.php/navigation/video

oh, and podium

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

In the train.

Easton Heights Blogger said...

awesome, glad you survived

Anonymous said...

re: the freakbike...those bars break, or a slip of the hand, and it's a hole in the chest.

good times !

Easton Heights Blogger said...

and another!

Easton Heights Blogger said...

one more!

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Anonymous Coward said...

Top teen.

ploeg said...

Hey, Adelade! Just change the locks!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The guy at the Surf City Cyclocross is what we call a Lone Wolf's helper. You know like the guy with the red suit and fake beard at the mall because you know Santa can't be everywhere at once. And there is only one true Lone Wolf.

Anonymous said...

Dude, have you actually read any religious documents lately? It's usually the religious folks that god/the gods are trying to zap with the natural disaster, usually because their religion has become corrupt. You wanna stay as far away from them as possible. As for Jens--is an athlete in any sport who professes innocence of doping even noteworthy these days? If it means anything, it means he's about to be busted and wants to get the first word in.

BUTT said...

i don't get it. if they don't come and take the keys to the city from lance, he can still get in, right? seems like a huge security risk to me, given his now well known criminal past.

leroy said...

Easy commute this AM; got coffee from TA at the Manhattan Bridge.

Even my dog was behaving. I was thinking about the storm and he was singing Tom Waits' Jersey Girl:

...Tonight i'm gonna take that ride
Across the river to the Jersey side
Take my baby to the carnival
And i'll take her on all the rides

`cause down the shore everything's all right
You and your baby on a saturday night...
Nothing matters in this whole wide world
When you're in love with a jersey girl....

Sometimes he surprises me.

Stay dry all!

leroy's dog said...

woof.

http://tinyurl.com/a97nrp8

P. Bateman said...

The Horizontal Bike is just the best thing i've seen. What are those goggle things he's wearing?

RANTWICK said...

RCT is correct. +10

theEel said...

weed!!!!!

le Correcteur said...

Top Twenty; read, with lots of distractions and interruptions!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

#3 Dahon girl is kinda cute.

babble on said...

I wonder if it's possible to come up with a more uncomfortable ride than that super freak bike.

babble on said...

anon@11:10 - cheers. I love the girls...

McFly said...

I JUST met that freak-bike and I freakin' hate it. Kill it. With fire.

I would like the Key to Adele. That's something I can get behind.

Cogs Mashington said...

http://youtu.be/AXW5dlhGPqY

Knock knock! We've got a fixiegram for you Wildcat!

Key Holder said...

It's kind of a good thing Lance wasn't home when the gov't keybearers visited.

It was a little awkward when they visited my residence to give me the key.

They came unannounced, and upon not getting any answers at the door or on the phone, they hopped the fence and went around back.

The ringbearer looked inside, pressing their face against my sliding glass door.

It then this individual caught me in a compromised state.

I'm not getting into details, but let's just say I was in the act of autofellation.

I was a little caught off guard, but accepted the key "in the buff."

In the end it was flattering to receive the key and look to utilize this gift sometime in the future.


leroy said...

You know, I always wondered why you never see Dame Edna and the Dalai Lama photographed together.

Now I wonder why you never see Jens Voight and Mary-Kate Olsen photographed together.

Shut up legs, indeed.

thegock said...

The bikes were the way to get around town in suburban NJ yesterday.

Comment deleted said...

Come on, Adelaide, sweetie, let me back in. I promise I haven't seen any other Australian cities!

The wrath of G-d said...

Anon 11:36, the epicenter of the storm made landfall at the Jersey Shore. Talk about Divine retribution! It takes that kind of wind and water to wash away the detritus of Snooki ea al...

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'm off to the 99 cent store to buy some two musketeer bars for tonight's trick-or-treaters.

leroy said...

McFly --

The key to Adele? That's easy.

Rolling in The Deep: C Minor.

You're welcome.

McFly said...

hahahahahahahahahalolololol


Well sir, I like it.

Adelade the Tattooed Lady said...

What do you suppose Bradley Wiggins would have said to Sandy?

"So with Sandy bearing down on New York City like an EPO-addled peloton on a doomed breakaway". Why is it that the breakaway'ers are the only ones stupid enuff not to take EPO? It's why they get caught 99.9% of the time.

The King of Park Slope said...

"Outside the window the trees were thrashing about like mullets at a Slayer concert ..."

Somebody is gunning for a Pulitzer.

Buffalo Bill said...

Men that eat women with beards.
That could be an interesting twitter thingamajig.

Anonymous said...

Harderbikes should look at trials bikes. I think the geometry of their bike comes pretty close, except it has a saddle. A saddle seems like a good idea to me, then at least you have the option of using it. Then you can always show off your sweet tricks after you finish riding the 5 borough bike snore.

Dave said...

Now that the wind has subsided we out-of-towners are relying on you to do your duty and get your ass out on the street. We want the "straight poop" on the chaos and the cannibalism, etc. and how it differs from "normal" NYC life. I hypothesize a large increase in actual bicycle use until the subway returns; this should provide endless amusement tinged with angst as cyclists are flattened in hideous ways. Good luck to all.

Anonymous said...

How does a bicycle beat a train rather then a cyclist?

Cipo said...

Adele has a really, really juicy pussy.

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:22,
Now in English please.

Anonymous said...

quarante-deux.

Anonymous said...

Hey WRM... you any relation to http://www.catdiary.com/hall/y1%20goldie.jpg ... Wildcat Crock Machine?

Anonymous said...

Dave:
I had a dream of a cycling paradise, everyone on bicycles since no one can ride the train. I thought Sandy would have turned NY into a great cycling city like one of those ones in the northern part of that country Europe. Unfortunately on my ride into Manhattan from Queens today the bridge was swarmed with hoards of pedestrians who could not seem to grasp the idea of two separate lanes for bikes and foot traffic. Some a-hole cyclists just tore down the crowded path pissing people off. At the bottom of the bridge I saw a guy cross the path in front of a cyclist without looking, who fell off his bike and hit his head on the curb while trying to avoid the idiot. However the cyclist was not wearing a helmet so it is obviously his own fault. No more bikes than normal, just more ignorant pedestrians and more cars on the road. It was very disappointing.

McFly said...

Me gusta

The Candid Cyclist said...

This post leaves me with a lot of questions like where the hell is Adelaide and how does a prone bike not just snap in half?

Anonymous said...

Australia, mate. G'day.

Anonymous said...

i had to ride a proxy freak bike once when someone stole my saddle. it was uncomfortable but not as much as the alternative.

JB said...

The Candid Cyclist: Structural engineering.

Anonymous said...

It's not easy to come up with a situation in which Cher is the only smart and sane actor.

jno62 said...

Bastard. I wanted to see those pictures!

Anonymous said...

Fiddy. If there were a hundred comments I'd have finished in the top half of the field. 50. I like it. (ZOD)

Anonymous said...

That really shouldn't have taken three minutes to write. (ZOD)

Anonymous said...

Type, say. (ZOD)

FR8 said...

Anon@1.37

A slightly different journey: rode down from the Upper West Side, yes there were many more cars than usual but they were all stopped. Cruised to work in 15 mins, laughing all the way!

Anonymous said...

Proxy freak with a foxy creak
must be Budnitz.

Anonymous said...

WIWM back in the day your house would have been the recipient of a flaming bag of dog poo for handing out off-brand candy.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Reading about NYC rat population.

"Sandy has brought a feast to their feet. New sources of food are washing out of the waterways and along flooded streets, including loads of rotting trash, other rats, pigeons, and fish. The well-fed rats will burrow beneath buildings under cover of night to establish new homes, sliding into holes as small as a half inch (1.3 centimeters)—the width of their skulls—even though their bodies can measure up to 18 inches (46 centimeters) long."

National Geographic

Happy Halloween!

Billy said...

I'm on a roll with getting my comments deleted on things the Snob links to.

First the Budnitz video and now Maus's "People on Bikes" photo expo.

I ragged on the fixie guy in his last one for being a jerk, and everyone else for being uncomfortable.

Lots more sit-up and beg bikes in the Brooklyn photo-way, which is nice to see. Actual ethnic diversity, which is pretty funny when compared with the Portland photos. And a happy fixie bike guy who also needs to attach an "oh shit" handle to his bike. But at least he's grinning.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

anon@ 2:43 -

Instead we're ALL handing out poison to the poor, unsuspecting kidlets... any time you see corn syrup on a label in North America, you're looking at GMO frankenfood.

Great big flaming bags of poo all around...

babble on said...

RCT -
Cheers - that's comforting.
They say that in London you are never further than six feet from a rat. You're probably a little closer than that today...

um, and eeeeeew.

Anonymous said...

Wow! That "prone bike" by "HarderBikes" is just nuts. Who wants to end every ride mad & worn out?

In my younger days I would do things "the hard way." In fact, I could dial one of those old rotary phones "the hard way" [if you know what I mean]. Nowadays, I'm happy just to be able to "do it" once or twice a week [I mean ride a regular bike, of course, and I meant every day].

Marcel Da Chump said...

Boo! They canceled the Holloween Parade.

Anonymous said...

Babble, I say keep marching on the GMO experimentation until we can grow Resse's Peanut Butter cups directly on the stalk!

yogisurf said...

The Lone Wolf! Complete with the golden fleece and olympic wheels. Nice! There is SoCal Lone Wolf who has a mane of gray and can be seen ranging from the Mtns to the sea. I'll try to get pics.

yogisurf said...

The Lone Wolf! Complete with the golden fleece and olympic wheels. Nice! There is SoCal Lone Wolf who has a mane of gray and can be seen ranging from the Mtns to the sea. I'll try to get pics.

McFly said...

I am fairly certain that's a young Micheal Phelps on that freakbike.

Hell I don't blame him, I would've taken up swimming, too.

Anonymous said...

of those people in the bikeportland images, the harderbikes guy strikes me as the most NYC investment banker d-bag out of all of them - all that's missing is a bloody nose from all the coke.

'Iced Puck' LaDouche'burg said...

Snob,

After reading your October 30th blog post it became quite apparent that ...

Sandy Stole Snob's Ironic Smug Suit.

You actually almost managed to convince me that you are a fully developed normal human being.

My mind is still 50/50 on this though.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Fresh bagels. Yeah I'd probably brave rat-infested streets for those too.

RG said...

A little encouragement from down South.

g-roc said...

I thought for sure, the Leroy's Dog account was a fake, since his dog always has a clever comment for everything. But Leroy's not denying it. It's all becoming disturbingly clear now.

babble on said...

RG - the "do it with your boots on" video looks disturbingly like it was filmed in Vancouver today.

I'm packing whiskey to fortify the grown-ups on tonight's trick or treat adventures... :)

Cipo's saddle said...

Love me some Bodacious RG! F'real! Used to be a fan of PBR until I found out what they do to the bulls to make 'em jump around like that. I'd wanna stomp on somebody too!

babble on said...

Marcel - All is not lost. Go to New Jersey on Monday. Apparently they've only Postponed Halloween.

Cipo! Cipo! Cipo! said...

Adelade's pelt was the finest I ever rubbed my snozz into. Bloody good those Aussie's. I'd race to down under if they ever held a tour of down under.

leroy said...

g-roc --

My dog told me he got himself a Google account in order to enter Rantwick's tree contest.

I didn't think he was serious. I told him that as far as I'm concerned, he'll always be a no-account dog.

Marcel Da Chump said...

babble on, I heard about the Gov's declaration, but the goblins and groovie ghoulies may have other plans...incorrigible souls that they are.

babble on said...

Beasts. How very uncivilized...

Comic Book Guy said...

Best. Just Kidding. Ever.

Anonymous said...

A Moots disguised as a Lotus? my head is spinning...

annonymoose said...

Podium! What? Shit.

DerZoots said...

Thanks for the Just Kidding!
You're the best Snob.
The.
Best.

L8r.

yeeknas scku said...

hey snobby - remember a while back when I was smug-ly bragging about the great bike superhighway between northampton ma and boston? this is northampton.

Anonymous said...

"The "Freds" miss you making fun of them. They need the attention. Hurricanes, pffft.

Anonymous said...

Dave you want cycling paradise check out Bear bicycles girl bike commercials. It is heavenly.

JD0g said...

Late to comment, was out riding

Chantelle said...

I stumbled across your blog while looking for something else, but I’m glad I did because I like your witty writing style. I’m an Aussie who lives in Melbourne (btw, did you create the term ‘Adelaidean’ while writing this post?) because despite not being one of the tax payers in the Lance Armstrong article, I was furious at the stupidity of the Adelaide government who sent Yarwood to Austin to hand deliver a key without first checking if the recipient would be home! I’m not sure what disappoints me most, sending Yarwood to Austin or writing about it on the Internet for the whole world to see how stupid the people involved with running Australia are!

syn said...

don't worry, i'm sure lance armstrong was enjoying the tsunami warning we (hawaii) had while the east coast was bracing for sandy. turned out to be nothing (i'm sure you've heard) but the local news scared us shitless with the tsunami trajectory photos: http://coconutgirlwireless.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/tsunami-trajectory.jpeg
hope things in new york, where the *real* storm hit, are getting better.

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous 1:37 PM ad FR8: thanx for the reports.

Anyone else reporting on bicycle use in NYC under these very special circumstances?

I´d have thought everyone would take his bike out. Is there a "bike surge", yes or no?

ce said...

I found the keychain for the key to Adelaide.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

"Outside the window the trees were thrashing about like mullets at a Slayer concert...."

This description really clicked for me and unlocked a vivid picture of tree tops being impacted by a gusting gale... until I saw this

Slayer concerts have been gentrified.

NHL Assholes said...

C'mon people, there are REAl problems in the world. Nobody cares about a bunch of stupid water. Ice, now that's a cause for concern.

Micheal Phelps said...

That FreakBike sucks ass. I am glad the olympics are over because weed.

Anonymous said...

Harder bike... did you see those welds on that frame... at least blind welders can still get work.

Blind Welder said...

I don't see the problem.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

#99

Man's Best Friend said...

Cipo said "#69, Breakfast of Champions!!!!!"

Bike Price in India said...

Really Nice i like it

Anonymous said...

chianti?

Anonymous said...

must haz tuning stands with captive tools and air pump?
haz cheesbuger?

Anonymous said...

http://erinkummer.blogspot.com/2011/09/gotta-love-bouder-co.html

Anonymous said...

Talk about handlebar palsy. Ouch. You will fuck up your ulnar nerve riding that bike without a seat.

Robert Platt said...

Harderbikes should look at trials bikes. I think the geometry of their bike comes pretty close, except it has a saddle. A saddle seems like a good idea to me, then at least you have the option of using it. Then you can always show off your sweet tricks after you finish riding the 5 borough bike snore.

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This description really clicked for me and unlocked a vivid picture of tree tops being impacted by a gusting gale...
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