Thursday, October 11, 2012

Age of Innocence: Won't Somebody Think of the Children?



(Do people really not realize what they're doing when they use this image?)

Well, it's official.  Everyone was cheating.

In times like this I take refuge in the lugged words of Grant Petersen, who puts professional bike racing in proper cultural perspective in his book "Just Ride:"

"Racers in the Tour de France (which I refer to as the BORAF, for Big Old Race Around France--since it's no tour) have exceptional genes, top coaching, the raciest equipment, but their job is to perform feats of endurance that the human body wasn't made for.  So it's no surprise that drug use among pros has reached the point where it's no longer a matter of gaining an edge, but of leveling the playing field.  Between the drugs, the gear, and the training in high-level racing, I can't think of anything good that comes from racing."

I'd argue that there is some good that comes from racing, which is that, at its best, it has tremendous value as entertainment.  Other than that though I pretty much agree.

Nevertheless, I do appreciate all the riders who have come clean when faced with the frightening prospect of token off-season suspensions, though I wish they'd stop short of invoking the prospect of hope for the next generation.  Consider Levi Leipheimer's piece in the Wall Street Journal, which tugged at my heart cables (I still use a mechanical heart, haven't gone electronic yet) until I read this:

When Usada came to me and described a solution—where my admission could be part of a bigger plan that would make the positive changes we've seen in recent years permanent—I said "I need to be involved." I don't want today's 13 year olds to be discouraged by their parents from dreaming about one day riding the Tour de France.

Again, I appreciate his candor.  I also don't judge him or any of them since we've all had to do some shitty things at work.  (If you've never had to do anything abhorrent to you at work then you probably have a trust fund.)  Nevertheless, parents absolutely should be discouraging their children from one day riding the Tour de France.  This is a race that started in 1904 as a publicity stunt for a newspaper and has in the ensuing years seen riders do everything from hopping on trains to transfusing their blood,  so I'm not sure why people think all of this confessing is somehow going to usher in some new age of integrity and cleanliness.  If anything, these riders should travel to schools and "scare kids straight" like in that Saturday Night Live skit.  "Next thing you know, you're lying on the floor of a team bus in the French alps with a catheter in your urethra as a Belgian soigneur named Guillaume funnels dog testosterone into your testicles.  'Cause this shit is real!"  If any one of my seventeen children expressed an interest in becoming a professional bike racer I'd steer them towards any number of more honorable professions.  Weed dealing, fetish pornography, investment banking...I'd proudly stand around the water cooler boasting that they'd chosen any of those career paths over professional bike racing.

Anyway, if you're anything like me you've had more than enough of "Shitstorm 2012" by now, so by way of changing the subject here's a picture of a bike with a fuckload of macaroni on it that was forwarded to me by a reader:


(That's a fuckload of macaroni!)

I totally suck at music, but I'm not sure that's enough to stop me from starting a band called "Fuckload Of Macaroni."

By the way, professional cyclists aren't the only people who dissemble, and a reader has recently furnished me with evidence that indicates David Byrne may indeed own a car:


Moreover, it's a Citroën, and he parks it illegally:

When David Byrne once visited me at KCRW during a nightly show I briefly did, he ran in all agitated, saying he parked his car outside in a no-parking area.   School was in and parking was always scarce.   I told him I’d move his car.  He told me “no, you won’t know how to drive this car!”.  I asked him what kind of car it was.  He told me it was a Citroën.  I told him that I once owned a DS 19 with the “citromatic” hydraulic clutch.  He handed me the keys and I parked it.

He would drive a Citroën, and I bet he even wears a beret when he's behind the wheel.  You might find this contemptible, but as far as I'm concerned he's now gone up a few notches in my estimation, since the fact that he not only owns a car but also parks it illegally like a typical asshole makes him vastly more relatable.  Sure, he picked arguably the most pretentious car it's possible to own, but while he may own a car we can't expect him to relinquish his fundamental David Byrniness.  Of course, it's always possible he's since sold the car, in which case some douchebag in Brooklyn is probably driving around in it and bragging about how he has David Byrne's Citroën in the same way that George Costanza boasted about owning Jon Voigt's LeBaron.  Either way, I hold out hope that one day I'll be riding in a bike lane, only to encounter a Citroën parked in it, out of which will emerge a guilt-addled David Byrne.

Even more potentially damning is the fact that David Byrne also owns an auto repair shop and knows a lot about rally cars:


Though I'm willing to entertain the possibility that this is a different David Byrne.

One thing's for sure, though, which is that he digs "black metal:"



Maybe he doesn't wear a beret when he drives the Citroën.  Maybe he actually wears that dorky zombie make-up and drives around upstate looking for churches to burn.

Anyway, for those of you who still ride bikes, a reader tells me you can convert your bicycle to a faux belt drive for only $20:


I had something just like that on my Schwinn Scrambler when I was about ten years old.  It was hanging on the pegboard at my local bike shop, right next to the dice valve caps.  I have fond memories of installing my ridged plastic chain cover, screwing on those valve caps, and then applying liberal amounts of checkerboard tape to the frame.  I had kind of a red-and-white motif going, and the end result looked like a hot rod crossed with the tablecloth from Italian restaurant.  Then I discovered you could steal chrome valve caps off parked cars, and the kid down the street turned me on to EPO and cigarettes, and now I'm coming clean because I don't want 13 year-olds to be discouraged by their parents from "tricking out" their bikes with corny accessories.

Alas, sometimes it can feel as though there's no justice in the world, but don't despair, for there is--at least in Portland, were a man and his "Disco Trike" were found "not guilty:"


Like most news stories coming out of Portland, this one contains gratuitous use of the word "adult," because without it you'd just assume you were reading about a bunch of children:

The Portland Police Bureau arrested Kaufman and seized his video equipment and his adult tricycle on SW Main Street near the Elk statue on the evening January 25th, 2012.

As for the charge, it seems the police accused Dan Kaufman of "agitating the crowd" with his syncopated disco rhythms:

The police testified in court last Friday that the amplified music being played from his Disco Trike was agitating the crowd and that it could be heard beyond the legal distance of 100 feet.

I'm all for free speech, but I can see how that would be tremendously irritating.  However, then Kaufman introduced a crucial piece of evidence, which was that he wasn't playing disco at all--he was playing Bob Marley:

During his testimony, Kaufman said he feels his music has more of a calming effect on the crowd (for what it's worth, he was playing Bob Marley when he was arrested).

Ultimately revealing that the police were motivated not by a need to curb agitation, but rather by their disappointment that he was not playing appropriate selections from the Marley catalog:

Kaufman testified that during prior protests, police officers actually requested that he played mellow reggae songs like Buffalo Soldier.

Oh, Portland.  I hope you never grow up.

166 comments:

Anonymous said...

first. No EPO, just weed

Ed said...

First!

Ed said...

Balls

Anonymous said...

2nd? yeay, good weed

le Correcteur said...

missed the podium by reading the first few paragraphs! Damn!

ken e. said...

close, no cigar

Anonymous said...

close call, Mr. Ed. Leave the balls, try the weed.

ken e. said...

for the record that cigar is "phillie" style...

db said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

Horrible lead out guy, just horrible.

db said...

Agree that the whole "thinking of the children" schtick rings very, very hollow.

All in all, I'd say the USADA report falls under "news that isn't really news".

le Correcteur said...

WRM, a winner here: "which tugged at my heart cables (I still use a mechanical heart, haven't gone electronic yet)"

You too, huh? My heart's not only cable actuated; it's friction only! No lameass indexing for this pump!

BTW, the guy reviewing the black metal, with his comment on "pure" Norse gods versus Christianity: what could possibly go wrong with those ideas? Is his name Adolf?

McFly said...

I think we will see comments into the 150's today. Lance has that effect.

RB1 said...

hopping on trains leads to blood transfusions ? maybe that's why conservatives hate amtrak so much. food for thought, anyways


McFly said...

I just pushed out a growler that has corny accessories.

Stephen Taylor said...

Dub. Top 20.

mikeweb said...

I hear David Byrne doesn't own a car, is that a fact?

grog said...

Oh Lance.
Oh Babe.

Jimboner said...

P H A R M S T R O N G !

Anonymous said...

Dear Bike Snob,
Is it just me or was their a 'Cock-off' competition? Did somebody forget about this or are you still taking submisions? Where am I? What am I doing?
Get me home.

Love Waldo

Anonymous said...

No Kaufman, No cry.

Toni Braxton said...

I wrote Unbreak my Heart for times like these; Lance and David.

leroy said...

Wait -- dog testosterone enhances performance?

This explains a lot.

Excuse me for a minute. I have to go apologize to someone about that whole getting-fixed-is-the-socially-responsible-thing-to-do speech from the vet that we fell for.

Anonymous said...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/cas/3331593216.html

babble on said...

yeah, I've had to do some shitty things at work...
Some days I have to comment on questionable input from the commentariat!

For example, McFly, did you just say what I think you said?!

You see? Shitty. What's a girl to do? Why won't adsense set up a trust fund for me?

Comment deleted said...

Fuck it. Blinky ads blocked. Especially that obnoxious Knog one. You think putting a "Blinder" on a web page is a good idea, huh?

leroy said...

First for

More Bob Marley or I and Imafuckingarrestya.

Anonymous said...

A post as short and as sweet as the pain and anguish I feel for Lance and George et al is long.

I will be riding today with a sadness only those whose heroes have been shattered like so many art fair crystal unicorns trampled by crowds of corndog sated knuckle dragging rednecks can understand. Oh Lance, my beautiful crystal unicorn, so delicate, so fragile, why?

Why?

Captain Hardbread said...

in

Anonymous said...

Dat Shitroen largely failed at car duties, but it did demonstrate a hovercraft quality ride. Made a caddy seem like an steel rimmed oxcart.

MACA RONI

Anonymous said...

I did not find the use of the word "adult" gratuitous. I felt it was absolutely necessary or there is no way that onw ould know that there were supposed adults ivolved.

Anonymous said...

Lance and some of his cronies lit on a scheme to take pathetic old American professional cycling into the big bucks and palmares. So Lance et al. deliberately lied, cheated, dealt drugs, won jerseys, trophies, podium places, the they lied, cheated and covered up, and they got away with it and became legends and heroes. Until, yesterday. And you, dear Snob were one of the chief apologists. Still are.

McFly said...

That bike has a nice Macaroni Grill.

The Pigeons said...

"MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!"

ringcycles said...

Do you mean to imply that Brett's time traveling abilities are NOT due to his superior genetics?!? Oh the shame, the horror, the meh

singlespeedwaster said...

Jimmy Savile thought of the children, and did things to them that shouldn't be described.

Anonymous said...

I need more coffee or the quality of my blog comments is gonna suffer wickedly massively.
You'll all thank me later.

Lame comments are bad for everyone and our mutual culture.

Bad comments, bad.
Good comments, good.

See?

Vladomyr said...

A friend of mine had a Citroën. He said it was "French for lemon".

Vladymor said...

Maybe David Byrne has never owned a car still, maybe he stole it. (Bad boy!)

Is that better street cred than showing up on his old Raleigh to the studio?

Anonymous said...

More Bob Marley...err I mean black metal or imagonnakillya!

Hairy-Legged Roadie said...

Very weak, Snob. I mean, you have hundreds of posts about David Byrne, Brett, etc., but the only time you condescend to mention doping is when you're absolutely forced to by the news, and then you can't change the subject fast enough.

At bedtime tonight, try reading the pages in the Reasoned Decision where Armstrong's threats and retaliations are described. Be warned: it might put a dent in your ironic detachment.

Anonymous said...

More Jimi Hendrix!

"Zabriskie recounted being at the front of the bus singing to Johan Bruyneel about EPO use to the tune of Jimi Hendrix’s song Purple Haze. Johan laughed along as Zabriskie sang:"

EPO all in my veins
Lately things just don’t seem the same
Actin' funny, but I don’t know why
'Scuse me while I pass this guy

http://www.outsideonline.com/blog/outdoor-adventure/biking/the-usada-report-against-lance-armstrong-by-the-numbers.html?173710851

Anonymous said...

SNOB <3LA

Dave said...

Wait a minute. So David Byrne actually owns a car?

wishiwasmerckx said...

After reading the 159 page steaming turd the USADA finally got around to shitting out, and listening to the UCI's pre-release posturing, I predict that the UCI will decline to strip Lance of his titles; if not all of them, at least the ones past the statute of limitations.

John Law said...

As a lawyer, I found the USADA's decision to be exceedingly poorly reasoned and exceedingly poorly drafted.

Anonymous said...

Let he who is without dope cast the first stone. Judge not lest ye be stoned etc etcetera.

Blog Drafter said...

Comments over on VN are way too serious...

Professional bike racing, like all professional sports, doesn't have a moral compass because of the untidy fact that human beings are involved, and there are exceedingly few moral human beings.

Let's see someone go after the freaks in the NFL with this same intensity.

Cycle!

Anonymous said...

wait just one damn minute, you're telling me that a professional athlete may have taken drugs to enhance his performance! that's just crazy talk.

babble on said...

hairy legged roadie...

SATIRE= FUNNY HAHA =IRONIC DETACHMENT

Everybody already knows that reality sucks. Even the children. We click here for a laugh. If you want more information and commentary on the real world, please go to directly to BBC news. Unless you're a religious extremist, in which case, Fox is your best bet.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I mostly do shitty things at work.

Maybe that is why they call it that: work.

For fun I like to read and ride my bike, as well as drink alcohol. As of now, I am tending to stick to bourbon, red wine, and of course craft brews.

Now that I am writing this I see my drinking habit has taken a nasty turn

BikeSnobNYC said...

Hairy-Legged Roadie,

Wait, so you're upset that my humorous bike blog sticks mostly to silly stuff and doesn't sift through legal documents?

Afraid I can't help you there...

--Wildcat Rock Machine

echuck said...

THEY DOPE

....

leroy said...

Anon 12:55 and Hairy Legged Roadie --

Good luck with trying to tell BSNYC what to write about in his blog.

I've been trying for years to get him to address the interesting sculpture one can make using energy gels and power bars, but the closest he's ever come to bicycling by-product themed sculpture is that "fuckload of macaroni" picture in today's post.

And frankly, that macaroni strikes me as more of the metier and potatoes of the Found Art movement than a bicycling specific sculpture. Or maybe it's the documentary deritus of a pasta performance piece.

Honestly, sometimes I just don't know why I bother.

If you know why you bother, please let me know. I'm sure it would be inspirational.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC is faulted for not addressing Postal Service doping?

This is like faulting Nickelodeon for not covering the Syrian civil war.

Green Slime vs. serious stuff.

babble on said...

Yeah, but do you drink while you ride? Your habit may have a way to go yet...

If you have to do work at work, then they should call it work. If you have to do shitty things at work they should just call it crap.

Hairy-Legged Roadie said...

babble: I come here for a laugh at people with an over-inflated sense of themselves: hipsters, Freds, artisanal ax-makers, etc. At the top of that list (yes, even higher than Cipollini) is Armstrong, who has been conspicuously spared over the years.

Instead of making jokes about the fat kid that gets picked last, it would have been nice to see BSNYC occasionally go after the playground bully.

Cipo said...

eating pussy

Anonymous said...

My dog doesn't know it yet, but when I get home, he's making a donation. Then, I'm going for a ride - I'll rule the bikepath tonight!

leroy said...

Dang.

If I were pounding down Red Bull and vodka performance enhancing shakes like some others I could name, I could have had the podium responding to certain comments.

Dopers.

Anonymous said...

The Tour de France " has tremendous value as entertainment." You've got to be kidding! Watching grass grow is more exciting. Maybe it's all about pleasing the people who push expensive bicycles and other crap on Frantically Riding Exceptionally Delusional Speedsters(FREDS).

babble on said...

That's vodka and red bull performance enhancing BREAKFAST drinks, Leroy. Timing is everything.

Fnarf said...

Playing Bob Marley loudly in a public setting ought to get the death penalty, in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

Okay, but what kind of car does Jens Voigt drive? Seriously though, if David Byrne owns an early 70's Ford Escort RS Mexico (or even replica) it'd be just dandy by me.

Anonymous said...

Free Lance!

Oops. Sorry.

Lance Free!

Captain Hardbread said...

but Ma, everyone is doing it...
even Bret!

Anonymous said...


Lance, I admonish you for your alleged drug use. You're a very bad man and you allegedly also sound like a bit if a meanie as well. Shame on you.




David G said...

There is no future for big-time spectator sports, and the only future the human race has (if we have one) is without them. Just ignore all that crap.

But, WRM, while it may be true that "everyone was doing it", all that's "official" is that Lance was doing it. Many are the resources of our defense mechanisms. 

McFly said...

Last night was so epic.

Her: "Sometimes I feel like I am living in a porno."

Me: "What did I tell you about talking directly into the camera? It kills the ambience."

Her: "I was talking about always having to wipe off."

True Story (holds wine glass up).

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford thinks this is all bullshit.

Anonymous said...

"Won't somebody think of the children?"

In a Jimmy Saville kind of a way, you mean?

Ctroens aren't pretentious, just deeply weird sometimes. Floaty goodness.

hey nonny mouse

ringcycles said...

"This is like faulting Nickelodeon for not covering the Syrian civil war"

chapeau anon 2:00, chapeau

JB said...

TMI today, McFly, TMI.

McFly said...

I have get it out of my system(thatwhatshesaid) before this blog goes commercial if I want to be part of the commentariat. I feel censorshit is headed my way.

Anonymous said...

I know who won the 1999 to 2005 Tours. No time traveling USADA jerk in need of more funding will convince me otherwise or take those tours away from lance. The USADA is all about timed press releases restating the same garbage over and over.

Lance did what everyone did, he doped. Apparently he did it well and was successful. GET OVER IT.

You know some of the criticism of Lance and other elete athletes is laughable when it comes from 350pound fools living in their mom's basement. Go ride a bike. Win a race or two or at least do a century. Some people are so obsessed over Lance. There is a guy on the craigSlist bike blog who must spend his entire day thinking up nasty things to say about Lance. GET OVER IT.

I don't ride well or often enough. I am slow and not very strong. I ride when I can and as hard as this old body will take me. I want to start a Leave Lance Alone organization. I read his biography. He is no saint by any means but the abuse heaped on this guy is insane.

cycle

velobotomy said...

Speaking of leaving things alone, Lance is not a victim. Get over it.

leroy said...

What do we say to the children?

Doyle and Debbie know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRL_5uk5n_A

Buffalo Bill said...

Sounds like a song I once heared,

Boo-gee woo-gee? asked the Judge

The officer replied: It's a sort of syncopated disco rhythm, m'lord

So I said: don't try to lay no syncopated disco rhythms on the king of rock and roll!

leroy said...

Oh sure Mr. Velobotomy, I bet you think it's okay to not leave Britney alone either.

Don't make my dog sic Chris Crocker on you.


JB said...

I hope the macaroni bike has a sealed headset.

g-roc said...

McFly's and Babbles blogular speed dating is flying along. Directly from TMI pillow talk to TMI potty talk. Today toilet paper, tomorrow divorce papers.

We get way too much doping talk everywhere else so I'm good with Car Snob glossing over it and moving on. Enquiring minds want to know: what kind of car does Barry White drive anyway???

Marcel Da Chump said...

Not nice...putting Barry White in our heads at work.

Buffalo Bill said...

Eh, it sounded better when Mr. Baldry sang it.

'think of the children'
http://www.calgaryherald.com/opinion/columnists/Lakritz+City+hall+pedal+pushers+have+skewed/7365155/story.html

velobotomy said...

Or worse, putting Chris Crocker in our heads.

Anonymous said...

Well, I for one am glad that the USADA has spent millions of tax dollars chasing tall-tales of hearsay and sour-grapes about Armstrong playing spy to receive "paper bags" of "liquid gold" dope. Yep, I believe it, just like I believe the millions of dollars Ken Starr spent to prove that Clinton got a BJ from Monica Polish-Name. Actually, I do believe the story about Monica & Bill. I don't think anyone on the USADA even rides, so screw 'em [the jerks!]. Just my opinion.

Anonymous said...

David G 2:29 is sadly right, but wrong. "There is no future for big-time spectator sports, and the only future the human race has (if we have one) is without them." I suspect someone said the same thing 1800 years ago when the Romans watched brutish men hack each other up in the arena. I suspect no gladiator was ever punished for using dope. And cheating WAS encouraged.

Anonymous said...

Of course comparing pro bike racers to gladiators is absurd. The most brutish thing I've heard a cyclist doing is saying "cunt" alot. What an animal!

velobotomy said...

I understand that Cippo likes to wield his "sword."

Anonymous said...

Okay, one last Armstrong-is-a-dope post, and I will shut-up [until tomorrow, when I will totally ace (or cheat on) Snob's quiz]. Armstrong has had, like, either a million or 500 drug tests. Will the USADA dope doctor PLEASE STAND UP and identify the dozen or so tests that he FAILED?! Okay, how about the 6 or 6 tests that he failed, or the 2 or 3 tests that he failed? Everybody still seated? How about the ONE TEST he failed? Hey, you USADA jerks..."testimony" is only "evidence" if the jury believes it. Stop spending tax-payer MILLIONS to investigate this one, single bicyclist. You are government bureaucrats on a witch-hunt; do something useful or resign. [No, I do not have a "live strong" bracelet; no fancy wheelsets, no titanium or carbon anything...just a guy]

babble on said...

My understanding was that every guy likes to wield his sword... ?

velobotomy said...

I think that it's like that time in second grade, when you learn that Santa isn't real (or in my case, the tenth grade). Time passes and you get over it.

Comment deleted said...

Yes, every guy likes to wield Cipo's sword.

Wait, what?

velobotomy said...

So right you are, babble. As a married man, I forget what that's like sometimes.

McFly said...

Velo,
You got to get them on your system from the get-go. If you have been married 5+ years you can't just start up a thats-my-poonaynay-you-just-take-care-of-it-for-me program without some serious blowback. Dare I say, it's too late?

babble on said...

Are you KIDDING??! Santa is so real...

babble on said...

Tell yer wife all about how a great sex life is key to the fountain of youth, and she'll be getting busy with you in no time.

mikeweb said...

babble, you my dear, are a genius.

Lance Armstrong said...

is it too late to change my story?

babble on said...

anon@3:54 - For once and for all:

CUNT is a GOOD thing!!

Like cocksucking... it's GOOD. Really.

Why are people so contrary?

McFly said...

Nice use of "cocksucking" instead of the standard blowjob. There is no blowing, unless she blows her hair back out of the way. I always hold it in a ponytail, like a gentleman.

velobotomy said...

Just when I thought that chivalry was dead.

McFly said...

Lets talk bikes for a change.I am geared at 39x28 for some CX with 50 psi in clinchers in dry conditions. Does that sound about right? I totally busted my ass on it poppin wheelies in the street for the kids Monday. HARD. Did not even begin to get unclipped.

babble on said...

Mikeweb - thank you! Wait till I tell mum, she'll be so surprised.

mikeweb said...

For the record, if all Lancey did was dope - which he did - we wouldn't be having this shitstorm. But since he's also a type A (for a$$hole) personality who threatened, snitched on, bribed and bullied anyone in or out of the sport even hinting that they weren't with his 'program' is the reason this is happening. And yes, he was a very gifted racer and "the best doper in a generation of dopers". So because John Gotti was talented and charming and the best gangster of all the gangsters, the Feds should've left him alone when he retired? Not to mention that the DSs, doctors, trainers, etc. who were complicit in perpetuating it from the top down, including the two pigs running the UCI, should be banned for life, if not thrown in jail.

And to idiots who say usada this and usada that, read the frigging report - they DID retest a lot of his samples and found plenty of evidence that way. You all get over it. He doesn't deserve to ride off into the sunset scot-free like his idiot fellow Texan who stunk up the White House for 8 years.

There, I'm done. I'll still ride my bikecycle, sometimes for a 100+ miles, but usually less. I'll still watch pro races and be moved. And I'll still hope that my favorite racers are clean, but always have a little doubt.

Cunt. Sex. Skittles.

velobotomy said...

All healthy things.

the commentariat said...

Mikeweb, please tell us how you REALLY feel...

mikeweb said...

About Cunts or Skittles? Major props to both. In abundance.

Anonymous said...

I like the way you said Lancey instead of Lance so it would not hold up in a court of law.

Captain Hardbread said...

CUNT RARY

mikeweb said...

My guess, a certain long time commenter from the left coast would say basically the same thing, but with a bunch of '...'s thrown in and a 'just sayin'.

Just sayin'...

the commentariat said...

Mikeweb, yes, they did retest some samples, which is inexplicable (and inexcusable)because the USADA unambiguously stated that the Armstrong charge was NOT an analytical case.

Call us polyanna, but there is no way a court of law would uphold that kind of evidence. Chain of custody, spoliation, tampering, mishandling, inadvertent contamination, and on and on.

The USADA candidly admits in the report that the retested samples were not processed in accordance with their own protocols.

velobotomy said...

To be clear, the mountain of eye-witness testimony is not "hearsay" as that term is legally defined. They saw what they saw. So, you believe that all of those former teammates lied under oath?

g-roc said...

113. Only 37 more comments and McFly's premonition will come to pass. Your contributions will be accepted for the next 6 hours. No comment will be turned away - even if they contain the acronym USADA.

g-roc said...

LA LA LA! I can't hear you!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Quantity does not always mean quality. Nice post Wildcat.

"that there is some good that comes from racing, which is that, at its best, it has tremendous value as entertainment."

I'm with ya there brother.

Yeah fuck it you guys are right. Back on the dope. I'm getting a disco trike, some Marley and moving to southern FL. I'll be by the beach.

mikeweb said...

Taste the rainbow.

Anonymous said...

KCRW is a public radio station in Santa Monica, CA.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

@velobotomy;

You said,"So, you believe that all of those former teammates lied under oath?"

I don't give one tiny shit about Lance's guilt or innocence or the state of professional bicycle racing, but as to your question, I wouldn't rule it out.

Mario's albino tadpole said...

"babble on said...
My understanding was that every guy likes to wield his sword... ?"

Naw, I just sit at home and energetically polish it.

Krys Hines said...

I found oot aboot this blog aboot 5 years ago from some of the dopers in the news...Just sayin' as the say...K

Anonymous said...

In an effort to "scare kids straight," I was forced to watch Scott Baio in the ABC Afterschool Special "Stoned." It was not effective.

ken e. said...

that would explain what happened to me.

GILL IGAN

JD0g said...

OH MY GOD!!!!
All the macaroni... !

Anonymous said...

I believe it was Paul, or was it Phil, who said that we wouldn't see another like him for a hundred years. I hope that's true.

Grump said...

Snobby, I have to differ with you on the value of bike racing.
As a crappy bike racer, I count on that rare result that fools me into thinking that I'm really not a crappy bike racer. If I was wiser, I'd face the fact that I was a crappy bike racer and sit home all day eating fudgesicles, and weighing 250 pounds.
Bike racing is much like golf. If you have a good 18 holes, you start to believe that you'd be a contender if you just bought those new clubs.

Dooth said...

Macdaddyroni.

leroy said...

Velobotomy --

Actually, to be clear, the mountain of eyewitness testimony is hearsay unless that testimony is presented in court and subject to cross-examination by the person against whom you would want to use it.

That's true even if it is a sworn affidavit.

Absent the opportunity to cross examine, it's not admissible evidence.

That's why no matter how strong you think the USADA report is or isn't, it's still only one side of a story.

At least that's what my dog tells me. And he watches a lot of Law and Order on TV.

leroy said...

Mikeweb --

At least Lance didn't get anyone killed. And no one is trying to repackage his foreign and economic policies as something new and credible.

But more importantly, I'm riding to Bunbury's this weekend to load up on those scones Lance touted. They may be performance enhancing and I have it on good authority you can pee in Piermont without worrying about testing.

Marsu Pilamus said...

Yes, please, think of the children. And unsuspecting vélocipédistes who, like me, might stumble upon a bike blog and end up longing for a Swedish Tonkinoise in a shiny Skittles dress.

Anonymous said...

Dear Grump 0915. You pretend race because you have to (OCD). Ride a cruiser, ride with friends and forego the couch and your fears will be forgotten.

Anonymous said...

PErhaps snob fears the wrath of lance - seems he is still on his good side given the comment on the back of the first book

Anonymous said...

Did I just read a description of an SNL "Scared Straight" skit about doping in the UCI Peloton here or did I dream that.

Ok. I see that I read that here.

Man, I have a very vivid imagination. And it was hilarious - Tejay and Ben squiming and smirking while getting screamed at by Kenan Thompson.

Yes. That would be funny.

Anonymous said...

It's not about speed or distance, but time on the bike. Ride with no agenda. It is actually healing.

Anonymous said...

Uhhhh, Lance Armstrong?

Anonymous said...

It's not about speed or distance, but time on the skittle-maker. Ride with no agenda. It is actually healing.

Anonymous said...

boy you best sit down
cause this shit is real!

velobotomy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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babble on said...

anon@10:55 - that's CDO. Alphabetical order. Get it straight.

A. Martinas said...

All You LA "lawyers" crying about u'r taxpayer dollar being spent on this case, pull u'r head out of LA' ass and think of the same dollars he used to fund this whole shit in the first place, the money you willingy gave him buying yellow-black parafernalia so he can kick u'r ass now at triathlons and xc races

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Anonymous said...

Here's a new edition of a Lance Armstrong fanboy jersey:

http://cheathard.spreadshirt.com/

streepo said...

I believe Lance is a disgrace to his cuntry.

Anonymous said...

A thought for Christophe Basson, Filippo Simeoni, Betsy Andreu, Greg LeMond, and so many others, smeared publicly if not disgraced and/or ruined...

McFly said...

I believe I have finally found my true calling. Really sucking at cyclocross. I am not sure but I think you have to be kind of drunk to be good at it.

ce said...

Time to lay some facts bare:

David Byrne owns a car, but it's a mobile conceptual art installation. You wouldn't understand.

Bret travels through time... forward only, at the same rate as everyone else. Boring, but it should be noted that he modelled in the now infamous stock photo shoot to pay off student loans which enabled him to work his way though academia to become a preeminent theoretical physicist and leading expert in the nature of time.

Recumbabe is a corpse, executed and left in a public place by the UCI as a warning to other recumbentalists.

Grant Peterson is a hustling Cat 6 Shark who spends most of his time in his basement on a trainer. He emerges riding a stealth Specialized Venge covered in shellacked twine, chrome spray paint, faux leather and frilly lugs drawn on with marker pen in order to lull unsuspecting Cat 6 contenders into a state of confident inattentiveness - before laying down The Grant Stamp.

babble on is a man, possibly bikesgonewild.

McFly has never actually had sex, but is a sentient virtual AI who spontaneously came to be deep within the complex workings of the internet and is attempting to communicate through porn.

Tilford's hair is a wig.

Leroy's cat speaks English fluently, but Leroy doesn't have a dog.

Lance Armstrong has one testicle... too many. Three in total.

I'm not a douche. No really.

McFly said...

ce,
I find your descriptions to be intuitively accurate because sex. 150 comments on this thread maybe? How would someone created in the Matrix prognosticate such a number? Because vagina.

mikeweb said...

Huh, I always assumed that McFly was a viral marketing rep for Mars candy, inc. trying to get us all to subsist solely on a diet of Skittles, who in his spare time raises baby birds under his porch.

The more you know...

mikeweb said...

Aaand 150 Suckazzzz!!

Anonymous said...

Into the 150s...the Lance effect.

McFly said...

Totally called it. That settles it, I am sending in my resume to the Dept of Awesome.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Weekend At Recumbabes

Anonymous said...

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Motoman said...

Sorry guys I'm late.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

damn, mcfly's predictionat 11:55am is spot on!

babble on said...

I feel so exposed!

grog said...

She is not! Oh babe.

Anyway, it's easy to see how there is musical confusion since disco does sound like calypso. Also, reggae sound like rag, eh?
Bike racing is like golf; the better you get at it, the less you do of it. I wonder how often TigerWoods get tested.

Anonymous said...

Ce, and wishiwasmerckx actually is Eddy Merckx trolling here hoping to recapture some of the glory of days gone by...

leroy said...

CE --

No way am I telling my dog he's really a cat.

There are some lines you just don't cross.

And he can be vindictive.


Anonymous said...

leroy,
would your dog be more vindictive if you called him a pussy or a cunt?

McFly said...

Babble I would love to meat you on a ride sometime.

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