Friday, September 7, 2012

BSNYC Friday Spondee!



(Cheese bike, seen in Japan.)

Well, the results are in!  Yes, it's finally time to announce New York City's Top Summonses of 2011:



And you'll no doubt be pleased to know that cycling has made the top five:

TOP 2011 SUMMONSES


1 OPEN CONTAINER/CONSUMING ALCOHOL IN PUBLIC 123,824
2 DISORDERLY CONDUCT 78,829
3 RIDING A BICYCLE ON A SIDEWALK 27,979
4 PUBLIC URINATION 14,281
5 TRESPASSING 13,456

As a New York City cyclist, I'm honored to be represented among all the drunks and public urinators.  Plus, sidewalk riding and public peeing go together like steel tubing and exquisitely carved lugs.  I mean, when you're riding home from the bar and you stop to relieve yourself in a phone booth it's not like you're going to bother to get off the bike and walk it, right?  Nevertheless, not everybody's happy:

Still, some New Yorkers think cops could make better use of their time.

"They're not focusing on the right things," said Adam Green, 21, of Borough Park. Green said he got two summonses for disorderly conduct and reckless driving after police saw him drive the wrong way on a one-way street for what he estimated to be the length of one house.

"You can call and call and call and they never come for real emergencies, but you do something small and stupid like this and they're right there," Green said.

I happen to think ticketing car salmon is a perfectly excellent use of police time and resources.  Plus, he actually admits he did something stupid, which is why summonses were invented.  They're prizes for being stupid.  And when did the length of a domicile become an acceptable unit of measurement anyway?  There are houses in that part of Brooklyn that are the size of Vancouver, WA.  Maybe next time I get ticketed for a sidewalk ride-and-pee I'll use the defense that I only did it for a third of a yurt and only issued forth enough urine to fill half a Barbie Mailibu Dreamhouse.

By the way, the capital of New York City sidewalk riding is apparently Williamsburg, Brooklyn:


BICYCLE ON SIDEWALK -- Williamsburg 1,745


I'm sure at least a thousand of those riders were merely working on their trackstands.

And now I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the idem, thinque, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a cyclist becoming unhinged.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always look over your shoulder when urinating publicly.


--Wildcat Rock Machine





1) Retired Classics star Johan Museeuw has called for:

--More honesty concerning doping
--The the complete dissolution of the UCI
--Posthumous drug testing by means of exhumation
--More research into the causes and treatment of male pattern baldness







("A little EPO'll clear that right up.")

2) Garmin-Sharp director Jonathan Vaughters has confirmed past doping by:

--Christian Vande Velde
--David Zabriskie
--Tom Danielson
--All of the above








3) Eon Productions, the producers of the James Bond film franchise, are suing Mario Cipollini for trademark infringement.

--True
--False






4) Smugness in jeopardy!  A political movement to require bicycle licensing and registration is gaining momentum in which state?

--New York
--California
--Minnesota
--Oregon









5) This butter sculpture depicts:

--Toronto mayors Robs Fords
--Winston Churchill
--W.C. Fields
--Alfred Hitchcock








6) This monocle is:

--Astonishing
--Great for steampunk spelunking expeditions
--The ultimate girlfriend repellent
--All of the above








7) Olympic gold medalist Alexandre Vinokourov has led a successful coup to overthrow the government of Kazakhstan.

--True
--False




***Special Helment-Themed Bonus Question***


Cardboard helments are the future of smug head protection.

--True
--False


77 comments:

Anonymous said...

ahem

singlespeedwaster said...

Spondeelicious!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Two

Anonymous said...

Top 5

Mark Maidique said...

What, it's early?

Mark Maidique said...

What, it's early?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"As always, study the idem, thinque, and click on your answer"

WCRM: I think you mean "studee"

velobotomy said...

Top Ten?

Anonymous said...

1 OPEN CONTAINER/CONSUMING ALCOHOL IN PUBLIC 123,824
2 DISORDERLY CONDUCT 78,829
3 RIDING A BICYCLE ON A SIDEWALK 27,979
4 PUBLIC URINATION 14,281
5 TRESPASSING 13,456


I typically do numbers 1 through 4 at the same time.

for trespassing I have to actually get off my bike.

RANTWICK said...

I like bread crumbs and fromage.

Paul Bowen said...

8/8, woohoo!

Nice weekend you all.

Buffalo Bill said...

That cardboard helmet looks comfy. I've been using a milk crate for a while now but it's kinda heavy.

Anonymous Coward said...

100%, Happy Friday to me!

It's so early Mark had to say it twice.

Anonymous said...

frommage related stuff aplenty

www.engrish.com

Anonymous said...

dshajdhbcjd d kajd akjdak kadj kak akdf akdh!

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous Coward said...

@anon 12:10

rudimentary html: your engrish link

Fred Nifacent said...

103.5%...I give myself bonus points since I stood for the Kazak anthem

rocky said...

Meh. Finished with the pack.

Anonymous said...

Uff-da!

babble on said...

Oh here we go... all the big fads start in New York and spread like wildfire.

Time to prepare for a city spattered with the detritus of drive-by-peeings.

Goggles? Check. Camera? Check. Raincoat? Check.

Bring it on boys.

babble on said...

When is a bicycle not a bicycle?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Leroy,
thanks for the warning yesterday about the tickets blitz in LES. Today I saw a cop on foot grab the handlebars of a lady-hilpster and stop her, as i was passing i heard him say, "i hope you have strong enough legs"

i can only assume that he was referring to the lack of brakes on her fixie, but i could not confirm. perhaps he wants a swift kick to the pants-yabbies?

your dog might have a better idea of it.

Anonymous said...

yissss!

Anonymous said...

When is shameless plugging not shameless plugging?

Captain Hardbread said...

Sweet Spondee!

Anonymous said...

If Cipo-Bond were a real crimefighter he would travel around freeing stuck animals with his excess oil.

Just like these German police...

http://www.freep.com/article/20120806/BLOG44/120806058/Eric-Millikin

McFly said...

When polled, 588474893759904 people decided this number was way to long to read through all the way.

CommieCanuck said...

...Rob Ford News...

Robba is currently in court on charges of conflict of interest. Seems butterboy solicited funds for a kids football team using City stationary, then refused to pay back the $3000. When this was brought to city council, he not only participated in debate, the dumbass actually voted, as Mayor.

99% chance he will get kicked out of office on this. The best Lawyer in Canada is going after him like a dog on a soup bone.

CommieCanuck said...

Recent polls indicate that 54 of 23 people don't understand how to interpret polls.

CommieCanuck said...

Rob's legal defence:
"If the pants don't fit, you must acquit".

DerZoots said...

NICE!
GO weekending now.
bye.


panties

Anonymous said...

Still talking about doping with out talking about the dope master himself? Interesting... Very interesting. Hypocrite.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:34pm,

I am a hypocrite. I also talked about public urination without talking about the Pee Master himself.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

McFly said...

Marley and Pee

CommieCanuck said...

Dope Master? Wasn't he big in the Hip-Hop scene in 1988?

You can't talk about disorderly conduct without talking about the DC Masta.

Or Snooky.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

well, you can't talk about hyporite without talking about WCRM.

Salty and Sore said...

Harumph...

Hinged bikes are for weirdos anyway.

Salty and Sore said...

To Floyd Landis 1:34-

No, I'm still not interested in your book.

frilly said...

Recently upon expressing the need to take a tinkle break, I was told to do it like the pros. Didn't realize it was a national movement.

Billy said...

ACED QUIZ
TSAR VINO
PISS RIDE

Marcel Da Chump said...

The lone public defecation summons:
Patti Smith.

*Correction*...Paddy Smith.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

All other countries have inferior Potassium.

Dope Master J -yeah right commie he's that rapper that faked his own death buts not really dead?

Ride safe people and don't be swervin.

Cipo said...

helmets are for herbs.

Anonymous said...

I have doped but I'm not a dope.

Cipo said...

i mean pussies. that i eat. eating pussy.

Cav said...

Ben Swift, you suck. You're my bitch, don't forget it.

Anonymous said...

That pic of Vaughters, is that from this morning after Tom D and he had coffee?

Martin Anus said...

I find snob's Friday pompous verbose verbiage to be nothing less than totally, totally spondedelic ...

Cipo said...

Yes. It is true. Pope Benny the Hitler Jugen did issue an especial dispensation so that I might eat 'meat' on Fridays ...

He let me fondle his dagger too! How especial is that?!

Have I ever mentioned that Icelandic pussy tastes of herring? Or is that Cod?

Homarus American said...

And when I find me own self in the midst of a moral quandary I say to me own self 'what would lob do?'

JB said...

Cipo, cod does not taste like herring. Mario, stick to bikes and converting dykes.

babble on said...

anon@1:04
I dunno - I was hoping to click and discover the answer had something to do with nipples, but alas, no such luck.

Shame is overrated anyway.

Anonymous said...

Oh here we go... all the big fads start in New York and spread like wildfire.

Time to prepare for a city spattered with the detritus of drive-by-peeings.


trends start in NYC, huh? that's a typical friday night in Boston - drunk peeing off moving bike onto some d-bag on the sidewalk with a yankees cap. it's our version of bike polo.

Anonymous said...

btw - only thing on that list that's actually illegal in Boston is exposing yourself. drunk riding on sidewalk? go right ahead. Peeing on yankees fan? encouraged. any bit of skin exposed to weather? registered sex offender.

Anonymous said...

The Top Five Summonses list differs in the screenshot and the quoted excerpt: pot possession is replaced by riding on the sidewalk.

There seems to be an opening for humor there, but I haven't been the same since I found out the hard way that a cardboard helmet only meets European safety standards until you urinate on it (which realistically should render the certification meaningless in much of Europe).

Anonymous said...

Me again. Yes I've now gone to the actual article (ugh, exhausting), and I still don't understand why it has two differing Top Five lists.

But this caught my eye:

"FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH SIGN IN PARK -- South Bronx 877"

Who is this Sign In Park, and why must the people of the Bronx do his bidding? Send him back to Korea!

The King of Park Slope said...

That's a genuine Waziristani pakol. I paid $5,000 for mine and display it proudly on my BestMade hat stand.

McFly said...

I miss Gaybriel already. He was so opinionated and controversial. We need more of that. Bunch of wise-asses is all you people are. is.

db said...

The real Robs Fords is also made of butter, oui?

@Anon 3:21: Vaughters vs. Wasp vs. Armstrong.

Anonymous said...

The snob is just upset that he can't rip on his idol. I get that it's like when a child who's met Santa Claus is told Santa Claus is just a drunk they pay to tell kids he's real, at first you feel sorry. I guess when they grow up and are an adult but still believe, well that's just sad at that point.

africansingle said...

@anon 1.17
I think tradition has it that you wrap the squirrel in masking tape before applying the lube?

africansingle said...

@babble on 12.38
Drive-by peeings....not a girly sport, I take it?

leroy said...

Well now this is odd.

What the NYPD calls the "Top Five Summonses of 2011," my dog calls "Friday."

Of course, he blames me. House-breaking made him the public pee-er that he is.

I haven't told him yet, but this Sunday morning we're doing the early morning pre-ride of the TA Century to check the route. At 4 AM, no one cares where he pees.

Ride safe all!

leroy said...

Anon 12:02 AM --

Don't give up on being good!

My dog advises that just becuase you didn't get that penis enlargement kit you wanted doesn't mean that Santa isn't real.

As for me, if Santa isn't real, then who's been drinking the milk, eating the cookies and taking the fifth of bourbon my dog insists we put out for Santa each weekend to ensure we get those Nashbar discount coupons year round?

Dopey the 7th dwarf said...

Lance's former associates want Lance to bend over ...

they have something they want to insert in his colon ...

http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/biking/road-biking/My-Life-With-Lance-Armstrong.html?page=1

McFly said...

So HunnyBunny(TM) and I are easing through the court square of our little hick burg (Paris not the France one) and 2 women walk out in front of us and I jokingly say "Remember to look both ways" and she says "Yeah but you are riding a bike in the street and you need to be on the sidewalk." True Story.

McFly said...

True Story.

CommieCanuck said...

"Yeah but you are riding a bike in the street and you need to be on the sidewalk."

So your Paris is full of assholes too. Might as well build a steel tower, eat long bread and snails, and get the tourist trade.

McFly said...

We have a mini-Eiffel Tower. 60 footer. Its steel, used to be wood. Has a paved bike trail around it. The Chumps-Elysee.

Anonymous said...

Trying Out This Hyperlink Thing

Respect

PJT said...

Once the Robs Fords case is resolved (odds are 99-1 acquittal) Shelly Silver will need the services of his lawyer. I've seen vacant lots that have gates open but are maked "No Tresspassing", so it's possible to do all five at once.

Anonymous said...

danger danger danger
http://toronto.ctvnews.ca/toronto-police-target-dangerous-cyclists-1.949323

Anonymous said...

Ok, now you tell me i can get fined for public urination? Who is going to arrest a triathlon?

Just saying if you want to pee in public, just strap on a number and look tired.

cycle

babble on said...

Tornadoes in New York??! Did I hear mention of Brooklyn? Queens?

Anonymous said...

"Smugness in jeopardy! A political movement to require bicycle licensing and registration is gaining momentum in which state?"

Hey Snob,
I should point out- one irate putz & his lawyer don't quite constitute a political movement.

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