Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Wednesday is the Loneliest Number

So apparently they have this Vuelta thing going on in Spain.  It's basically like a big bike race and some of the people from the Tour de France are in it, but not the funny-looking guy who won it.  (He's too busy smoking and scootering.)  I was curious to see what's been going on at this Vuelta thing, so I went to a website that has stuff about bike racing and found out that Alethandro Valverde is whining because Sky didn't wait for him after he crashed:

“They didn’t have the balls to stop, they chose an unsporting way,” Valverde said at the finish. “Sky formed an echelon and they’re perfectly within their rights to do that. I’m not cross that I lost the lead because of this, but because there was no respect.”

It's enough with the waiting in bike racing already.  The most basic part of bike racing is not falling off the bike.  If you fall off a horse during the Kentucky Derby do the horses stand around grazing until you get back on again?  If you misspell something in a spelling bee, do they wait around while you go find a dictionary?  Do you get a "do-over" if you get a splinter in your inner thigh during the caber toss?  (Actually, I have no idea, maybe you do.)  Anyway, everybody waited around for Valverde for two whole years when he got suspended for cheating, so expecting them to wait again when he falls of his bicycle is a bit much.

Meanwhile, here in New York, it turns out that more people like bike lanes than don't like them:

("Ohmygodshe'snotwearingahlelmentshe'sgoingtodie!!!")

Though that doesn't mean people don't have irritating things to say about them, like this:

Gloria Tingue, 41, an occupational therapist in Brooklyn, said she believed that many bicyclists ignored the city’s traffic rules. “Everyone should be going in the same direction, and if we’re stopping, they should also be stopping and not weaving and bobbing in traffic, because it is a hazard for everyone else,” she said.

I couldn't agree more.  Cyclists should really behave much more responsibly, like drivers do:


Looks like somebody made an "oopsie."  And here's another one:


Oopsie!  Looks like he forgot to stop.

But for the real idiocy, you have to read the reader comments on the article.  Consider this one:

Donald Dal Maso NYC
Yes of course, more bike lanes! But please, lots and lots of public service announcements to educate the rest of us, who don't bike-ride, about how to respect the lanes.

I admit my ignorance and I would like to avoid being screamed at by bike-riders for my lack of alertness and awareness. And of course I don't want to get hit or cause an accident. Something on the order of the seat-belt campaign from years ago is really needed.

Here's a public service announcement:


I'm all for respecting even the most clueless pedestrians, but do we really need public service announcements for concepts this basic?  I'm sickened by all the motor vehicle carnage in the city but even I wouldn't expect the city to issue a public service announcement telling people not to stand around in the middle of the street.  Once we start having public service announcements about not standing around in the bike lane it's only a matter of time before we're inundated by other PSAs like "Don't play in fire!," "Don't eat dead rats!," or "Don't tie yourself to a filing cabinet and jump into the Hudson!"

Anyway, I have a sinking feeling that whoever becomes the next mayor is going to roll up all our spiffy new green bike lanes like one of those "marijuana cigarettes" they talk about in the PSAs and make a big show of smoking them into oblivion.  Then everyone will have to take "Premium Rush" lessons, as in this embarrassing video that was sent to me by some PR firm:



I found certain aspects of this video troubling.  For example, consider this warning:


Isn't pretty much everyone who rides a fixed-gear bike on the street technically an amateur?

Also, I don't think that doing a 180-whatever is a good way to flee an attacker, as the video suggests:


When fleeing an assailant on your fixed-gear bicycle the most effective technique is to simply hurl the bike at him and run.  If you do it properly the assailant will become hopelessly entangled in the bike frame and then lose his fingers in the fixed-gear drivetrain like in those awful photos on Sheldon Brown's site, and your subway train will have almost certainly arrived by the time he manages to escape by gnawing off his own limbs.

(Now that's street smarts.  The city should make a PSA.)

The next lesson in the video is the bunnyhop, which Justin Gordon-Levitt apparently uses to escape a New York City bike cop:


This is highly unrealistic, since if you've ever seen a New York City bike cop you know that all you have to do to escape one is be able to ride a bike in a forward direction without falling down.

It's also at this point that the "superfan" getting the fixie lessons reveals himself to be a total ringer:


(Yeah, like he just learned that.)

By the way, did you know that you too can own a "Premium Rush" bike?


Well you can--and it even comes with a "sticker pack:"

And of course, Affinity will be making a limited edition Metropolitan frameset in pure white, supplied with a sticker pack, so you can customize your ride to mimic the bike in the movie.

Stickers?  Movies?  Mimicry?  This should be a huge success.  I was particularly alarmed by this:

On August 24th, fixie culture, bike messengers, and Hollywood collide with the release of the new movie Premium Rush...  And with any luck, it will inspire people to air up the tires and ride their bikes.

I really, really do not want to share the streets with anybody who is inspired to ride a bicycle by "Premium Rush."  It's been bad enough these past few years sharing the streets with all the idiots who were inspired to ride bicycles by all those insipid "MASHSF" videos.  Fortunately, the typical Nü-Fred generally lasts only two to five years in New York City before downgrading to an easier and more manageable city, at which point they just become San Francisco's or Portland's or Austin's problem.  Or, if they do stay, they eventually become regular Freds and spend all their time on Route 9W playing with Strava.

Anyway, the whole fixie thing was like totally over by the time "Premium Rush" went into pre-production, and anybody with any sense has long moved on to mini bikes:



The biggest problem with riding a mini bike is finding a u-lock for it, though I've had good luck just using a safety pin.

And on the more genteel (and by "genteel" I mean "smug") end of the New York City cycling spectrum, David Byrne has once again honored us with some whimsical bike racks:

Apparently, the idea is to arrange the letters so that they spell out the names of productions, sort of like a marquee:

"I realized that a few very basic shapes — a semi circle, a line, and a V shape — would allow one to make a good percentage of the letters of our alphabet. With help and advice from Dero Bike Racks, we figured out how these components could be easily and quickly swapped out to spell different words. For example, the letters could spell out the productions at BAM or any random message for that matter."

This should be especially entertaining when Stanley Wiggins performs at BAM:


Speaking of alphabet bike racks, the only cycling pick-up line more seductive than "Wanna lock your bike to my cunt?" is "Wanna do hill repeats?"

Hill Repeats - Pershing Hill - m4w - 45 (West New York)
Date: 2012-08-21, 8:14PM EDT

You were wearing a pink jersey and torn shorts. I was riding a bright green bike with an Australia jersey.
I don't want to hit on you, you looked like a decent climber and I want to invite you to join my group for longer rides...
:-)

Wait...  Green bike?  Australia jersey?  Holy crap, it's MC SpandX!


The fact that this video is now three years old underscores just how late "Premium Rush" actually is.  They should give him a show at BAM.

69 comments:

g said...

Win?!

JB said...

Whee!

Philip said...

woot

abelgus said...

podiummmm

fred22 said...

On?

Anonymous said...

Yippee!! TOP TEN!!

McFly said...

CUNT RACK

crosspalms said...

collide

McFly said...

Is a "caber toss" pooping? You can't get do-overs poopin.

babble on said...

I hate to break it to you, dearest snobster, but sooner or later, everyone dies...

Anonymous said...

Top ten!!! Woo hoo!

Anonymous said...

Or, instead of PSAs on bike lanes, you can propose to ban bikes like Toronto!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/toronto/cycling-ban-proposed-on-street-with-disused-streetcar-track-following-death-of-cyclist/article4490986/

JB said...

I agree with Valverde, they should have stopped to wait for him after he fell. Then, once he switched to a bike with training wheels, the race could resume.

From Premium Rush cycles: ...you can customize your ride to mimic...

I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Buffalo Bill said...

I understand there are a lot of filing cabinets at the bottom of the Hudson

theEel said...

WEdnEsDay!

grog said...

David Byrne does not own a car.

Anonymous said...

One must be able to travel in a straight line on a bicycle without falling down in order to avoid New York City bicycle cops. Alejandro Valverde cannot travel in a straight line on a bicycle without falling over. Ergo, Alejandro Valverde cannot avoid New York City bicycle cops. I think this is how he got busted for cheating.

mikeweb said...

So, a car and a bicycle both smash into a bar at the same time. The bartender says to the car driver, "you just bolluxed up my bleedn' pub, ya cunt!"

Oh I forgot to mention the bartender is Stanley Wiggins.

mr. wookie said...

premium scranus

Trampas said...

Can I lock D Byrne's cunt to your scranus?

thegock said...

FRST WEED

McFly said...

Premium Bush is amuch better action film.

BUNN YHOP

Anonymous said...

Don't tie yourself to a Hudson and jump into a filing cabinet.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one that noticed the ability to ride right around the gate the dude is spectacularly hopping?

Yeah, I'm no fun watching most movies.

Can't spell Wednesday without the weed.

leroy said...

I used to think BSNYC was funny because he made fun of Nu-Freds moving to Austin. (Hi Prolly!)

Now I think he's just mean because he made fun of regular Freds on 9W.

That hardly seems fair because I was in Piermont this morning with my dog whose conduct interpreting BSNYC's recent diuresis disquisition proved embarrassing.

Anonymous said...

I've still got Stradalli all over my keyboard!

Anonymous said...

Hudson? I think Angelica has been around the show biz scene long enough that darn near anyone who straps on a file cabinet could fit in her just fine!

Silly Cyclist said...

MC SPANDX!!! Damn, I should have doped more.

Let's go cycling! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPRxTfM19Xg&feature=plcp

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Alethandro" -Thanks I got a chuckle out of that.

Anonymous said...

Uh, wouldn't it be easier to just ride your douchebag fixie AROUND the 3-foot long fence.
Or am I missing something here?

Anonymous said...

funny how bunny hoping doesn't seem to be going on when fixies are ridden, just watch the how-to vid and see the coasting approach

BUST ED!!

FIXI PIXI

wishiwasmerckx said...

Make fun of David Byrne all you want, but he is an artistic genius with his bike-rack tribute to tidy labia.

The rack actually spells out "micro lip."

I also think that it is genius that the racks are "modular;" they can be rearranged to spell out other things as well. What this means to me is that the bike thief can take your bike, rack and all, and disassemble it at his leisure once back to his criminal lair. None of this "hurry, I might get caught" nonsense. No sir.

McFly said...

Our cat will make itself really tall as a defense mechanism. Maybe that's what the wheelie-guy on the fixie was attempting. Our cat will also fart on you. S.B.D.

Anonymous said...

More Kym Perfetto or Ima gonna f'n kill ya.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Amateur Rush.

leroy said...

McFly --

My dog wishes to point out that all cats will fart on you.

Jed said...

Dear Wildcat,
How difficult would it be to put the 'podium' 'win' 'top whatever' cunts at the end of the comments, and the most recent at the top? All this scrolling has me winded.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday a crabon "famre", today a "Justin" Gordon-Levitt …

I can't tell what are errors and what is being stanleywigginsed.

Felix D. said...

CATS FART

P. Bateman said...

has anyone else found the tiny bike video to be strangely relaxing? serious zen tv.

Happy Wednesday Cunts.

Vegas said...

I can totally suspend reality when they use a mountain bike, freewheels, 2.3" tires, and 28" wide bars for the supposed fixybykecicle stunts, but asking me to believe the kid is a messenger without any dreadlocks, piercings, tatoos, punk band t-shirts, or a "sticker pack" for his helment is just redonkulous.

I am tired of David Byrne engine said...

Jesus christ, I wish David Byrne would get a car, big letters are useless for parking bikes in any kind of normal way, quit trying to be so clever, and put some big poles out there so we can high lock them three high.

McFly said...

I told my cat the best defense is a good offense. He said the best defense is cutting a fart that smells like someone took a Case 580 Backhoe and lifted the lid off a septic tank system.

Panties

Podium

Scranus

Frilly's Curtain Panties

Babble On's calves

and weed

also, cat farts

the ghost of the honourable thomas simpson esq said...

senor valverde should have dropped some speed after falling to make up the 55 seconds. it worked fine for me.

except for the dying bit.

anyway, God has no time for dopers who cant even ride fast. they get sent to the heavenly cat6 rides where they have to contend with freds and frustrated triathletes. me i ride only grand tours and classics.

Coathangrrr said...

The best part of that preview *has* to be the close up on the woman ripping the front brake of her bike. Like "Oh my god! This extra 200 grams is going to mean my life!"

It's an real shit's-about-to-get-real-fuckin'-serious moment.

Cunts said...

Top Whatever

SlobFord said...

"I have a sinking feeling that whoever becomes the next mayor is going to roll up all our spiffy new green bike lanes like one of those "marijuana cigarettes""

If Toronto is anything to go by, you can look foward to electing an abusive, coke-addled, who's morbidly obese frame is "folksy" and something the anti-cyclist suburbanites can relate to. Good luck with that cunts!

g-roc said...

Wow, the comments are very WEdnEsDaY today. It's blowin' my freakin mind. Woah.

Anonymous said...

I presume that it is Anjelica Huston to whom you refer?

I was unaware that she was a bit of a slapper.

hey nonny mouse

ce said...

Eating dead rats isn't ideal, but it is better than eating live rats.

Anonymous said...

You realize those stupid bikelane hoggers are standing behind your PSA and therefore cannot read it.

wishiwasmerckx said...

CE, tastes like chicken...

ce said...

Mmmm, chickeny rat

Matt said...

I'm with wishhewasmerckz, easily reconfigurable bike racks sound like easy-to-disassemble bike racks. Haul a couple of crabon bikes home attached to a huge F and cut the U locks at your leisure.

My cats don't fart but they do seem to enjoy puking noisily on the floor.

Felix D. said...

CATS PUKE

McFly said...

I think it's my cats diet that may be causing some of the trouble. Pickled eggs and Budweiser is probably not as healthy as Fancy Feast. On another note lil man announced in the car that they had to say something interesting in school and he said "Catffood tastes like cheese-its", that's mah boyyyyyyyyyyy.

Anonymous Coward said...

Floyd Landis on Wednesdays.

Anonymous said...

Egregious Boston is superior comment:

today Boston cop gave me high-five after he told me to ride on the f-ing sidewalk to get around some f-ing construction.

http://vimeo.com/8440085

Anonymous said...

My girlfriend and roommate are asking me, in all seiousness, if I am going to see
"Premium Rush."

They then argued with me about my decision.

Anonymous said...

Don't tie yourself to a filing cabinet and jump into the Hudson!"

Hudson?
You mean Big Skanky, right?

Anonymous said...

Trampas? Really? WTF?

Dooth said...

The artist who painted the leading lady's Premium Rush bike is a friend of mine. He also designed the stickers "Justin's" helment.
I won't say his name.
BSNYC RTMS WCRM mentioned him a while back.

Anonymous said...

Was it Handy Whorewall?

Dooth said...

Actually, it's Anselm Reefer :-)

Thomas Hughes said...

Didn't anyone tell Sheryl Crow that he was dating her for her clean urine?

mikeweb said...

This shit is Iike a visit to the doctor.

You know it has to be done, but it sucks all the same.

DOPE SUXX

pegge lee said...

Excellent stuff with wonderful information!I'm new here and loving the
post!Thanks for sharing this great info!


gotowe prace licencjackie

Anonymous said...

HD kaliteli porno izle ve boşal.
Bayan porno izleme sitesi.
Bedava ve ücretsiz porno izle size gelsin.
Liseli kızların Bedava Porno ve Türbanlı ateşli hatunların sikiş filmlerini izle.
Siyah karanlık odada porno yapan evli çift.
harika Duvar Kağıtları bunlar
tamamen ithal duvar kağıdı olanlar var
2013 Beyaz Eşya modeller
Sizlere Güvenlik Sistemleri ayarliyoruz
Arayin Hırdavat bulun
Samsung Nokia İphone Cep telefonu alin.
Super Led Tv keyfi

Amatör Porno - Amcık Porno - Anal Porno - Asyalı Porno - Bakire Porno - Erotik Porno - Esmer Porno - Fantazi Porno - Gay Porno - Götten Porno - Grup Porno - Hard Porno - HD Porno - Hemşire Porno - Latin Porno - Lezbiyen Porno - Liseli Porno - Olgun Porno - Oral Porno - Rokettube - Sarışın Porno - Sert Porno - Tecavüz Porno - Travesti Porno - Türbanlı Porno - Türk Porno - Ünlü Porno - Yaşlı Porno - Zenci Porno - Karı Koca Porno - Hayvanlı Porno

sabina moon said...

Excellent blog you’ve got here. It’s difficult to find high-quality writing like yours nowadays. I really appreciate individuals like you! Take care!! You can visit my site.
wheel hire