Just kidding! It's impossible to spoil something nobody's paying attention to in the first place. I mean, Tour of Utah? Isn't Utah just Colorado with Mormons? Then again, it does sound like things are getting a little filthy over there, since the stage winner Michael Matthews had this to say:
"So I followed him for a bit and then it got a bit messy. A couple of guys came underneath on the last corner..."
Eeew. Sometimes it's just better to let someone go, especially if they're wearing a soiled raincoat and heading for a highway underpass.
Meanwhile, in London, a Belgian track cyclist has been banned from the Olympics for getting falling-down drunk and possibly wetting himself:
I really don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's not like he was taking illegal drugs. All he was doing was tossing back a few coconut cocktails to blow off some steam:
A source told Mail Online: ‘We have two tables reserved each night for Team GB athletes to come down and celebrate. Gijs was hanging out with the Team GB athletes drinking Mahiki Coconut cocktails and our signature Treasure Chest drink. "
In other words, he was Girl Drink Drunk:
In fact, he was so Girl Drink Drunk that tennis great Björn Borg totally got in his pants:
I didn't know Björn Borg made underwear, but it's too bad he doesn't make belts.
And in other Olympic news, a reader tells me that you can now buy Stan Wiggins's Pinarello on eBay:
And if you browse the pictures you'll discover the secret to his speed:
If slamming your stem makes you go fast, it only stands to reason that slamming your stem, saddle, and handlebars will make you go three times as fast.
Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you'll see a world record.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and go easy on the girl drinks this weekend.
--Wild Rucksack Machine
("That's a tough question, I'm going to have to mullet over.")
1) Viatcheslav Ekimov has just won an Olympic gold medal.
2) NASA's Curiosity Mars rover was built by:
3) Triathletes are renowned for their excellent bike-handling skills.
4) Participants in the New York City Ironman will be:
(Bradley Wiggins celebrates being named "Cunt of the Week" but laments being associated with creepers and pompadours)
5) Which periodical has named Bradley Wiggins its "Man of the Week" but misidentified his style as "rockabilly?"
6) In a recent New York Times opinion piece, Randy Cohen defends the practice of running red lights on a bicycle by invoking:
7) In a controversial retort to Randy Cohen's New York Times opinion piece, Reuters columnist Felix Salmon claimed Cohen was "cycling on the razor's edge between ethical behavior and velocipedal douchery."
***Special Performance-Enhancing Bonus Question***
("Oh, cruel fate! My own actions just seem to happen to me!")
Alex Schwazer, who recently apologized for doping and acknowledged consulting with controversial doctor Michele Ferrari, is a competitor in which sport?