Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Painting the Town: Homogenized Exuberance

In yesterday's post, I mentioned Walmart, that friendly neighborhood store where you can buy oversized bikes, right-wing literature, and munitions, all at unbeatable prices.  So what's the opposite of this lethal, mass-produced, more-more-more ethos?  Why, it's life in Portland of course, as you can see in this video that was forwarded to me by a reader:



This video is an important anthropological document, because it encapsulates the Five Pillars of Portland Society, which are as follows:

--Making things pretty
--Making friends
--Hugging
--Being inclusive
--Being so profoundly self-satisfied it's disgusting

Yes, apparently in Portland people like to get together and paint intersections, though the Smugness Union requires that they stop every 15 minutes in order to snuggle:


("Hug break!")

You also have to hand it to Portland for being so resourceful, since they've managed to portray themselves as an inclusive culture despite the fact that it's one of the most ethnically and ideologically homogeneous societies on Earth.  That's not to say there isn't some diversity though, and some people there actually spell their names slightly differently:


(In Portland, Annes and Annies somehow manage to live together in perfect harmony.)

Though it's tough to disagree over anything when you're constantly stultified by communal art projects and overly earnest folk music:


("After this I'm playing at a same-sex dog wedding.")

Nevertheless, even Portland is not immune to discordance, and I'm sure it's only a matter of time before some bike dorks start complaining that the pretty pictures are distracting attention from their precious bike sharrows.

Speaking of Portland, awhile back I mentioned that some Portlanders were making a leather bike handle.  As far as I'm concerned, a bike needs a handle like an aquarium needs a toilet.  Nevertheless, Stevil Kinevil informs me that the handlesmiths have since managed to raise $20,000:

Now, I've spent some time in Portland, and I know from experience that they will look at you askance if you so much as ask for a shopping bag in the grocery store.  Yet for some reason it's perfectly fine to for a cow to die so that you can have a handle for something that is already basically a giant handle.  I mean, what vehicle is more intrinsically portable than a bicycle?




This is not to say I have a problem with using cow parts for stuff, it's just that I don't understand how they managed to raise $20,000 in a city where only like 46 people actually have jobs.  (The Portland economy is sustained almost entirely by people who work for bike companies and then buy stuff from their employers with their employee discounts.)  But I suppose that's the power of Kickstarter, and still more proof that entrepreneurship now works on the "What About Bob?" model.  Indeed, every time I watch a Kickstarter video all I hear is "Gimme, gimme, gimme, I need, I need:"



In fact, I recently heard from another would-be bicycle accessory maker who will be launching his own Kickstarter on Thursday.  It is for something called the "Barbasket," and here is the video:


Barbasket from Chris Luomanen on Vimeo.

Like most Kickstarter projects, this combines elements from other accessories that already exist while simultaneously solving no problems whatsoever and creating some new ones.  See, if you want a removable bag for your handlebars, you can already get these things called "handlebar bags."  Or, if you want a basket you can take inside with you (or just leave at home), you can opt for these things called "removable baskets."  Meanwhile the Barbasket manages to require cumbersome proprietary handlebars while at the same time being really small:


Tellingly, the design concern behind the Barbasket is called "NRML:"


And it's clear that their though process was a bit clouded when they came up with it:

Though if you want a dedicated six-pack carrier that requires a pair of special handlebars then give generously.  Plus, the gratuitous handlebar loop looks like a great mounting place for that second leather bike handle.  Sure, you might have to take the beer out of your pouch in order to use it, but don't worry, you can always relocate that beer to the frame with yet another leather handle:


None of this would be a problem if people would just suck it up and ask for a bag at the store.

Sure, some people might think having an exquisitely-crafted leather handle for everything on a bicycle makes it beautiful, but I think it makes it look like it belongs to a metrosexual bike cowboy.  Still, it's better than this "flaming turd bike," as forwarded by another reader:


(Feces in motion)

At this rate I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before we start seeing leather bike locks, which will of course result in a dramatic uptick in bike theft, as well as a concomitant rise in polite vigilantism:


As I've mentioned, I belong to the "Your Bike Is Your Problem" school, and that extends to stopping bike thieves.  Firstly, I don't care enough about someone else's bike to interrupt a criminal with heavy cutting tools.    Secondly, even if I did care about it, chances are the owner doesn't care about it in the first place:

Res waited for the owner, but they never showed. She then went to the police, who told her that they couldn't help her. So she plastered these flyers up near the Starbucks. Res writes via email that she's reached out to Trek and is giving her the serial number on the bike, which may help them reunite the black bike with its owner.

As far as I'm concerned, Res should just keep that bike.  She earned it.  I probably wouldn't have even looked up from my Venti Soy Mocha Doucheaccino.

Lastly, in do-it-yourself research news, some Australians have proved that riding with headphones isn't actually that dangerous:


Conclusions


Based on these relatively simple tests, it is fair to conclude that:


1. A bike rider with ear-bud earphones playing music at a reasonable volume hears much more outside noise than a car driver, even when that driver has no music playing.


2. A bike rider with in-ear earphones playing music at a reasonable volume hears about the same outside noise as a car driver with no music playing, but more than a car driver playing music.


3. A bike rider with in-ear earphones playing music at a reasonable volume hears about the same outside noise as a car driver with no music playing, but more than a car driver playing music.
Ear-bud earphones set at a reasonable volume still allow riders to clearly here the warning sounds of other riders.


Put that in your ear and smoke it.

109 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

yay

Anonymous said...

<===8 YEAH,BITCHES! 8===>

Ian Hibell was a badass.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ylhWPCekdM

Serial Retrogrouch said...

suck on that, cunts.

Anonymous said...

OMG!!!!

Anonymous said...

Is this thing on?

McFly said...

"Rest day" for the field, "Chest day" for the Cav. Yep. Suck it.

grog said...

Hug Break!

Kenney said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Just part of the train today.

theEel said...

WEEED!

theEel said...

and...



NRML_WEED

schaughvn said...

you can fit two six packs in a camel back HAWG, why isn't that part of the marketing material?

Flaming Turdbike said...

That's MISTER TURDBIKE to you!!!

john stroh said...

Cat 6 attack!

Anonymous said...

top cunteen.

Anonymous said...

top 20 by a cunt-hair

pebes said...

1)arent all three of those conclusions basically saying the same thing?

2)those three conclusions seem to say the same thing.

3)those three conclusions seem to say the same thing. and also cunt.

Anonymous said...

Anybody see the Nissan Altima ad in Bicycling this month?

Exerpts:
"For Chris Horner, the innovations in bike weight, helmet shape, and uniform material help reduce that wind factor"

"...the 2013 Altima was redesigned with a lighter frame to reduce drag"

Physics, huh?

Met Sex Bike Cowboy said...

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.

metrosexual bike cowboy said...

That's MISTER METROSEXUAL BIKE COWBOY to you... boy!!!

Bike Sex Cowboy said...

Approached a cunt from the rear this mornin'.

McFly said...

I totally had the win in the bag and instead of a cursor in the box I could only muster a dotted outline bordering it. I was a curser. This is directly from my make-up bag full of excuses. True Story.

I am a sad engine said...

Who is stealing the lone wolfs bike?
Somethings should never be stolen, or portaged.

Don't mess with the Normal people on tuesday, it is their day of rest.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if we will seeing the turdbike at the Handbuilt bike show in Denver, or some similar feces.

cadel evans said...

goddammit. back in the bus with cav today. i really hate sideburns

Anonymous said...

...same-sex dog wedding.

Gold Snobbs, Gold

Buffalo Bill said...

Now we need some sweet artisanal leather ear buds.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I wonder if that wooden saddle on the poopbike forms to your sit bones over time like a Brooks?

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's just me, but those painted intersections look incredibly dangerous. Any actual traffic-related marking done by the DOT is lost among the psychedelic designs and the designs are distracting.

Do they even have official permission to do that?

erikbeng said...

It's not bike lanes that cause biking rates in urban areas to grow; it's the need to carry 6-packs of craft beer or imported pilsner to your home or a party.

Elegant AND Awesome!

JB said...

In 10 years, will Portland cycling look like A
, B,
or C?

Anonymous said...

The streets of Portland remind me of the mean streets of Maplewood New Jersey.

metrosexual bike cowboy said...

Do these chaps make my ass look fat?

Marcel Da Chump said...

What about Snob?

Anonymous said...

Stuck in the grupetto on a rest day. Sigh.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I saw today that Rabobank announced that next year, they are upgrading to Laurens Eleven Dam.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of giant handles MOREPETATODDORIMAFUCKINKILLYA!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like they have got a lot of cunts in Portland.

Herr Cuntsburglar said...

I imagine that Berlin is probably more racially diverse than Portland.


http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/41/4159000.html

Grump said...

Paint the streets?
Ha!
That goes on in Chicago, every day.
Of course, painting the outlines of people isn't very artistic, and the colors are limited.

wishiwasmerckx said...

The Ozzie "study" is a classic straw man. The relevant question is not whether whilst wearing earphones, a cyclist hears better, worse or the same as a car driver. The relevant question is whether the cyclist is endangering himself by being distracted from the task at hand.

I for one refuse to ride anywhere near a cyclist with headphones because they are a danger to themselves and others.

Why can't we escape this absolute need to multi-task? Why isn't the simple joy of riding a bike stimulation enough? Is it that you have no thoughts of your own, so you must fill your mind with the thoughts of Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber?

Anonymous said...

fuckstick!



-balls™

Anonymous said...

I believe I'll be Kickstartering my own line of best made artisinal panda fur fanny packs specifically designed to carry a half-dozen leather bike handles.

Comment deleted said...

Of course Lone Wolf portages from the non-drive side.

I saw a drunk paint the street outside a bar once. It was very expressionist.

crosspalms said...

Looks like the heat from that flaming turd is melting the chain. Amazing the tires haven't burned off.

mikeweb said...

That stupid leather handle would actually make it more difficult to carry a bicycle. The mounting point is below the bicycles center of balance, so it will be 'top heavy'. You'll end up having to use your other hand just to keep it from flopping around.

That last sentence is also good advice to use in the men's bathroom.

Anonymous said...

While those painted intersections probably do wonders for community morale and collective sense of entitlement, I'm fairly certain they're illegal. MUTCD and other federal highway design standards are very specific about what is and is not allowed to be painted on a street.

McFly said...

Someone needs to tighten the chain on that terdbike or they will be in a world of shit.

Anonymous said...

I'm still recovering from the crudeness of yesterday's post and subsequent commenting but I got me off me arse this morning and went for a ride and quite enjoyed it, thank you very much!

JB said...

Never thought I'd see the MUTCD mentioned here. It's actually not that out of place, I suppose. I love me some AASHTO Green Book...

Disappointanen said...

Any self respecting Fin would...
#1. Not produce a redundant impractical product.
#2. Roll one's sleeves up and make that fucking money themselves if they did believe in their creation.

Stuff the handouts you lazy "product designer" and get to earning your piece of the bicycle industry pie like a real adult.

Rollie said...

I'm no Murray the Chamferer but even I can see that cunty leather handle will break in one of at least 3 obvious places within a year. $20,000 for something that's total shite. Arse.

Also, why is beer always the thing that needs carrying? Maybe try staying sober for 5 minutes sometime, Mr. Drinky. That would save you from the apparently difficult task of carrying beer. "Doggone it I just can't seem to carry this beer."

JDH said...

wiwm-1:24. Word.

Billy Madison said...

I saw the symbols you put in your blog but all I read was "Cunt".

art said...

The Aussie study is bullshit. When was the last time anyone admitted to hearing anything that happened outside of their car?

Bentit Surf Publishing said...

Excerpt from "Planet Cipo" ...

Volume 7 Chapter 49 page 334

"The truth of the matter is my greatest cycling feats were fueled by the clit juices of virginal podium girls. And let me tell you the Giro gals had the best stuff. The Veluta podium princesses were second best. And at the TdF I was unable to locate a virgin so my judgement is still out on this matter."

Ian MacDouche' said...

All ye fook'in cunts can kiss me fook'in spourne.

The thoughts of Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber said...

I got nothing.

Anonymous said...

i never understood the whole headphone thing while riding. deaf people are allowed to ride and drive. cars are designed to be as insulated as possible from outside noise. motorcyclists at speed cannot hear almost anything. any city that has anti headphone bylaws is a proud example of nanny state stupidity.

CommieCanuck said...

Sorry to see Sammy drop out of the Tour, but when he recovered from his crash and was covered in blood and grime, my wife noted he was one dirty Sanchez.

It appears that Mr. Wiggins is in a spot of bother. Don't over-interpret his words, in Britain, even the Queen is referred to as that cunt.

That leather bike strap is brilliant, count me in, but only if the cows are skinned alive after hours of prolonged torture.

FUCK COWS

Anonymous said...

Only pussies can't handle the C-word.

C-words!

Anonymous said...

AYCSMR (All You Cunts Snuggle My Regression)

CommieCanuck said...

blah, blah, blah..motorcyclists at speed cannot hear almost anything. any city that has anti headphone bylaws is a proud example of nanny state blah blah.

Bus drivers all over have noted idiots walking right in front of buses to their death while listening to Clay Aikin belt it out on iTunes. This is a horrible way to die.

Harley riders...>40 year olds who know nothing about motorcycles dressing up like Freddy Mercury's bitch and wobbling all over the road in Nazi helmets. The number of these geniuses killed by emergency vehicles because they couldn't hear the sirens is skyrocketing. There must be better ways to attract attention in society on two wheels that does not lead to death or just being fucking annoying.

I use burrito flatulence to form a safety zone around my bike. Loud Farts Save Lives™ sticker is proudly on my Nazi-like biek helment.

Dooth said...

I must admit that beer-bedecked, leather-clad Bottechia is quite fetching...and aren't those Portlanders cute with their visual alliteration?

Anonymous said...

Once again the hypothesis stands: 'scientific method' does not protect against an idiot or especially a group of idiots reaching moronic and dangerous conclusions

yogisurf said...

The LONE WOLF rides (carries) again.

McFly said...

CC,
I say if you are 48 and never had a scooter and want a Harley, go get you an XR100 a find a big field and just crash that mother all over the place and get skint up instead of getting killed and then making me support your kids through the man because you had a midlife crisis.

CommieCanuck said...

McFly..Obamacare just made stupid affordable.

Anonymous said...

I want, I want, I want, I need...ear buds because I have the attention span of a knat.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, correct me if I am wrong, but safety issues in bicycling arise from the point of view that it is inherently dangerous to ride a bicycle on the street with heavy and hard metal objects that move eratically and travel at high speed. , It is not about fair or unfair, it is about achieving one's objective; that being to travel from A to B safetly. Bicyclists HAVE to remain alert.

Mrtn Anus said...

Another coded gay reference ...

HOMOgenized Exuberance ...

I mean really snob isn't it getting a bit stuffy in that there closet?

Isn't it about time that you cum out?

Anonymous said...

Helment panties

Vegas said...

If cyclocross has taught us anything, it's that it's horribly difficult and ultra-time-consuming to portage a bike.

Also, thank goodness that handlemajig doesn't put the soft skin of my knuckles anywhere near the cold sharp teeth of the chainring.


"Roses are red, violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I"

Charlie Didrickson said...

Sweet

Dig it

Awesome

Anonymous said...

McFly @ 3:44 -- I'm a gentleman of a certain age, and then some, and I don't want a motor-sickle, but if I were to start riding for some reason, you bet your sweet bippie I'd start with something tiny and easy to handle, take instruction, and putter around on back roads for a while to develop skill before I got anything larger.

In many cases these mid-life crisis guys on Harleys are, unbeknownst to them, actually having end-life crises.

McFly said...

You know it. You can learn the basic skills on a lil dirt machine then move up to the big boy. It's not spring in West Tn until at least 2 40/50 year olds get maimed or kilt on a liquorcycle.

ashcroftchops said...

Earcuntbuds

Anonymous said...

Watching this video makes me feel like Belushi"s character in Animal House. It makes me want to grab the guitar and smash it against the wall. If they want to make the world a better place, skip the paint and use the money to feed somebody. I must say, however, I'm glad they all live in Portland and hope they stay there.

bikesgonewild said...

...well, cuntinuing in the same vein...

...lemme see...you got your leather shoulder strap thingy between the seat tube & top tube, you got your leather 'portage' handle thingy between the seat tube & the down tube, you got your leather 6-pack beer handle thingy on the top tube, your leather saddle (hopefully chamfered by none other than 'eric') & you got your leather seat bag so you're up to a cow & a half (c+1/2) & so i'm wondering if :(a) do you perhaps have a leather fetish ??? (b) why, when you had that "...artisianally crafted in portland..." bicycle/palpable phenomena hand built for you, did you bother with the expensive paint job of which 90% is now covered with leather geegaw/doodads & of which 20% will soon be rubbed off by said leather geegaw/doodads ???...

...just wondering...

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...i'm with you on this 1000% (if that's possible)...

..."...Why isn't the simple joy of riding a bike stimulation enough ??? Is it that you have no thoughts of your own, so you must fill your mind with the thoughts of ***deleted***deleted***..."...

...beyond the danger, & yes anon 3:09pm, the lack of a sense of hearing definitely adds danger...

...i'd suggest most any deaf person who drives is generally paying much more attention than some 18 year old high school chippy with her i-tunes blasting away & any motorcycle rider interested in self preservation is also paying serious attention despite limited hearing...

...your theory is fulla holes...

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...[if it ain't chamfered by 'eric']
[it ain't chamfered worth shit]...

...bumper sticker spotted on the ford anglia 105e deluxe used in the harry potter series...

Every Gimmick Hungry Yob said...

I'll die before I'm sold!

Eduard Khil said...

It's not that portlanders are smug, its that we're better than you in every way that matters.

Sinatra said...

The Higgs boson particle matters more in Portland.

amy! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jefe said...

Judging by the number of times the "C" word was posted today, we now know what Bradley Wiggins does on the rest days at TDF.

Until NORML gets marijuana legalized they need to lay off making those sissy bag baskets.

Henery Graydouche' said...

canusunt - the area of the human anatomy between the cunt and the anus.

Correct spelling in Portland cANUSunt.

Loafing Over Linguine said...

Sacrebleu! That bike thief seems Badger-like..those cleats are of an Irish variety. But where did he manage to hide those spokes?

screaming skull said...

Dura Ace Ventura, Bike Detective!

And cunt!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob. My wife and I visited Portland and found it to be scary, big, and not particularly cool. I shouldn't say this, but it ain't got nothing on Boise. Portland is a big city shit hole, like NY, but without the corn.

Anonymous said...

Doesn´t B. Wiggins seem super skinny to you on that picture??

http://www.lemonde.fr/sport/article/2012/07/11/pour-wiggins-la-suite-du-tour-sera-un-combat-de-chiens_1731948_3242.html

Paul Bowen said...

'Same-sex dog wedding' is fucking brilliant.

McFly said...

WHORES CATEGORY! My most favoritest of ALL the categories.

Anonymous said...

I remember when I was a kid taking "bike hikes" back in the 60s, how the bags (which were canvas and leather!) didn't hold up worth anything under a heavy load.

It was great when they started making 'em out of nylon -- it's WAY more durable than leather, doesn't dry out and crack, it's lighter, and has much greater tensile strength.

And this one isn't like the Austrian self-sharpening razors, no, no overheating like with the tropical fishes, no zizzing and dripping like with the ...

[Who's old enough to recognize that?]

Anonymous said...

Your mom

McFly said...

Did anyone notice the LW was following a hot booty up them there steps? Apparently the LW does not always want to be L.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Little Tommy Voeckler said...

Fofonov bursting for the line

Little Tommy Voeckler said...

Dancing on the podium like a little kid - ton up too!

Jed said...

Maybe the folks who kickstarted the leather handle could offer a cunty leather cream, you know, to keep things supple 'n shit.

JDH said...

"All living beings have actions (Karma) as their own, their inheritance, their congenital cause, their kinsman, their refuge. It is Karma that differentiates beings into low and high states."--- The Buddha.

PatrickBateman said...

very insightful Snobb-O. Portland is the Bizarro World Wal-Mart.

I'm a bit surprised by which of the two i'd rather spend more than 5 minutes at. At least at the wal-mart i could buy a gun and shoot myself if conditions worsened. All i would be able to do in portland is request a group hug big enough to stop my breathing.

By the way, I'd like to see some stats on the increase/decrease in traffic accidents at that stupid intersection in portland. How can you see where to go with all that crap all over the road.

furthermore, i didn't want to be the mean guy, but that one fellow was really pushing it in terms of almost painting outside the lines.

further still, what kind of ass holes live across the damn street from one another but have never any seen each other in 20 years of living across the street from one another?

Wendell Fogmaster said...

Why all the Portland hate? Oh, wait, it's because Portland sucks.

Unknown said...

I lived in India where some local bottle collector solved the "carrying bottles on your bicycle" "problem" with about 20 cents worth of scrap burlap. It's beautiful: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lilymonster/4646498165/

Anonymous said...

An inspiring serenade of instincts!

pedalr said...

A critical look at any place, society, kickstarter project, meme etc is always healthy ... In this case it feels a little heavy handed, like criticizing a coral reef for being too colorful and flamboyant. Rock on Portland - keep being the coral reef that you are and come infect Minneapolis with more of your color and exuberance.

Mountain Bikes said...

You see a fair number of bike commuters though they tend to be on road bikes, hybrids, or MTBs. True the cargo bikes are limited to mostly xtracycles, trailers, or people with panniers on their rigs. Loop frames you see here are mostly from Electra or vintage.

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