Thursday, June 28, 2012

Instant Identity: Just Add Money

Further to yesterday's post, a reader left the following comment:

Anonymous said...


Mandatory helmet laws weed out the people who don't LOVE riding their bikes. Fight it, but ride not matter what!


June 27, 2012 8:56 PM

This is exactly the problem.  I don't want to "weed out the people who don't LOVE riding their bikes." People who love riding bikes are obsessive-compulsive freaks, and I say this as one of those people.  For the most part, America is a crappy place to ride a bike, which is why the people who actually ride bikes anyway are such weirdos.  I don't want to be surrounded by other weirdos like me.  American cycling badly need an infusion of people who aren't especially excited about riding bikes but do it anyway.  This is the only way we can water down our extreme dorkitude.  Otherwise, cycling in America is going to continue to look like this:


Before you complain that this image is not safe for work, please explain to your boss and colleagues that I am using it in a sociological and anthropological context, and therefore it is no more offensive than anything you're likely come across in "National Geographic" while waiting for your dental appointment.  It's also a valid cultural exploration, since the guy on the right is no doubt an authentic Rastafarian, albeit by way of Lake Forest.  And now, thanks to the miracle of Kickstarter, you can sponsor this image and others like it by giving money to "Positive Bodies: A World Naked Bike Ride Supporters Art Show:"


This project is very important, and here's why:

Unbending in the face of pressure and criticism for not posting these images on the web, he has been waiting for the right moment to exhibit these striking images as prints that can truly honor the courage of the participants.  After three years nearly 400 WNBR-C tastemakers have collaborated in this comprehensive collection in support of positive body image and freedom of expression.

Or, if you prefer, it's perhaps the most powerful argument against mandatory helment laws that it's possible to make, because as long as we keep cycling marginalized and freakish then people like this will be compelled to keep shoving their unkempt genitalia and unfortunate body art in everybody's faces.

Speaking of Kickstarter, "social panhandling" is rapidly becoming a potent force of social change.  See, you can ascribe as much metaphysical or spiritual significance to human existence as you want, but the simple fact is that life is mostly about exchanging stuff.  We all need stuff--food, water, shelter, boutique deodorizers formulated specifically for caucasian dreadlocks--and societies evolve around the sharing of this stuff.  This is because you can't just go around kicking people in the nuts and taking what you want.  There needs to be rules for who gets what and how.  Until recently, here's how "stuff exchange" traditionally worked in our society:

--You need stuff;
--You go to someone else who already has stuff and ask them if you can help them manage all that stuff in exchange for some stuff of your own (this is called "getting a job");
--You do your job, and in your free time you enjoy your stuff;
--As you accumulate both stuff and experience, you eventually strike some sort of happy balance between stuff management and life enjoyment, and this unique balance determines who you are;
--You die.

Now, though, all of this is hopelessly outdated, since thanks to Kickstarter all you need to do is just come up with an idea and then ask people for money:



The real genius of Kickstarter is two-fold, in that it:

1) Inverts the concept of "supply and demand."  It used to be that people had demands, and so they paid other people who were able to help them fulfill those demands.  Now, the way it works is you simply demand money from other people, and then you supply them with something they didn't even want in the first place;

2) It cuts out that pesky middleman known as "evolving" and instead allows you to conjure your identity from thin air.

Best of all, it allows you to "bundle" your leisure and creative endeavors.  Before Kickstarter, maybe you'd save up your money to take a long bike trip.  Then, maybe after the bike trip, you'd record some music about that trip.  If you were lucky, maybe people would enjoy that music, and if you were extremely lucky, maybe people would enjoy it so much that they'd even want to see a documentary about how you made that music.  This tedious process could take years, and success was far from guaranteed.  Now, though, you just ask for money so you can do the bike tour and the album and the documentary all at once, like when Disney releases a movie and a toy and a "making of" special and a fast food meal deal all on the same day, and the success is just assumed:



To me, this is the most fascinating aspect of Kickstarter--the way so many projects walk the fine line between self-reflexivity and auto-fellatio:

("Help me help you help me make art about my art.")

Of course, it's essential to keep in mind that these are merely the cynical musings of somebody who's hopelessly staid and ornery and whose blog is itself a daily act of auto-fellatio.  Certainly if someone wants to take a bike trip and someone else is willing to give him money for that bike trip so that he'll burn their name into his guitar then by all means they should all sit back and enjoy the fellatio.  Who knows?  The ensuing album/documentary could be a masterpiece.  And certainly some of these projects do have the potential to make a real difference.  Consider this one:



Creative endeavors are one thing, but you can't tell me we don't need more "deditcation to the peace building process:"


Anyway, this project reached its funding goal last year:


And since then they have indeed been "bi-keen for peace."  In fact, I visited their website, where I learned they've been saving the world by having incoherent interactions with the locals:

He talked fast and continued to use his hands and arms enthusiastically to emphasize whateverthehell point he was trying to make. He continued on about “papas”. Julia and I smiled and nodded. We understood “potatoes” but we’re sure of the details. We continued to attempt successful communication. We used phrases from my lonely planet phrase book to try to get him to slow down. “Puede mas despacio por favor?” We even pointed to the written phrase in the book. He looked at the words, but appeared to not read. Instead of trying to understand, he treated it as a game. Talking faster and using more hand gestures. Julia and I resolved to play along with his game. We used more hand gestures and talked of irrelevant things. It didn’t matter. The innocent boyish smile on this older mans face glowed with joy that there were people in his big and lonely cab to ride with him.


That's $5,180 well spent.  Say what you will about Kickstarter, but there's no more effective tool for launching ill-prepared Americans into the world at large, where they proceed to practice a strange form of altruism that mostly involves asking poor people for favors.

We may need less kickstarting and more restraining.

134 comments:

McFly said...

I'm trying to eat.......

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Now where'd my helment get to?

Anonymous said...

Turd

Kenny Banya said...

Wow, that's a compelling photo...

Paul Bowen said...

Helment my arse.

Anonymous said...

podium????

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

Top ten, first time in forever

samh said...

Auto-Fofonov.

Anonymous said...

Top Ten?

wishiwasmerckx said...

top ten on a late post...

Anonymous said...

phart

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Paul Bowen said...

All that meat and no mashed potato.

Anonymous said...

So Bikeshare is sponsored by credit card companies. I get it now. Just another way for big corporations to pretend the give a sh*t.

theEel said...

WEED!

Anonymous said...

Oh, good lord, Bowen's still on about helmets. Give it a rest, mate. Go bash yer head if you want. Nobody cares.

Anonymous said...

I'm still nauseated from that initial image which is seared in my retinas. But... still - top ten, I guess. Everybody else must still be face-down in the toilet.

Ick.

Anonymous said...

Trustafarian

McFly said...

Exactly how many coats of paint does it take to temper the surface irregularities of the modern female nipple/aerola? I wonder...

Buffalo Bill said...

Kickstarter: charity for douches?

OBA said...

I'd pay $100 to kickstart him in the balls.

Anonymous said...

“Out there, it’s Arcadian,” he said. “It’s prelapsarian. It’s like living in the ’50s.”
Prelapsarian is the term theologians use to describe the time in Eden before Adam and Eve ate the apple and caused everything to go to hell, or lapse, in the polite arcane terminology academics use to ensure no one will know what they mean unless they've been to graduate school. So the dude apparently believes living in the fifties equals living in the Garden before the apple and all. Wow.

Anonymous said...

I'm confused. Kickstarter - bad or good?

cycle

wishiwasmerckx said...

Surface irregularities? They have a name, for goodness sakes - Montgomery glands.

If you are lucky enough to know a woman named Montgomery, ask her all about them. She will be both flattered at the attention and delighted to share with you the most intimate details of her knowledge.

Anonymous said...

Okay, dude, you don't know what a spondee is, give back your college degree. Even if you were not an English major. Cuz even English majors know what the Pythagorean theorem is, and spondees are to language as the Pythagorean theorem is to geometry: basic.

wishiwasmerckx said...

The helmet debate is tired and well played out, and I for one refuse to be baited into yet another discussion.

Martin Amis said...

I'm keen on panties!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey bikesnob what are your thoughts on the banning of grunting in womens pro tennis?

Anonymous said...

You mean the World Panties Bike Ride. Because the cuter the chick, the more likely she's not actually naked.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Snobby,
You are awesome. You should write a book.

Dr. Feelgood said...

Kickstarter my hearter...or something like that

Anonymous said...

KE3P IT PUNK

wishiwasmerckx said...

Ah, WNBR, where reality throws a wet blanket over the fantasy of the naked female cyclist. You were expecting Liz Hatch. Instead you got Aunt Mildred.

JB said...

I would like to try to cure cancer. Please contribute to my $100,000 Kickstarter program.

crosspalms said...

Nothing says bike commuting like taking your clothes off and painting your body.

Anonymous said...

I'm confused now: if rules about helmets are bad, especially rules saying you can't ride without one, why are rules against kicking people in the nuts and taking stuff good? A rule that keeps people safe is as good as another rule that keeps people safe. You got a curious mix of anarchy mixed with now-now-let's-play-nice-and-do-as-we're-told goin' here.

Cipo said...

Yes. It is true. Ryan Seacrest AND Beckham both are clients of Mr. Terrance of Torrence the greatest follicle lubricationist artist of all time.

Everyone wants to be like Cipo ...

How sad for them ...

sigh!

singlespeedwaster said...

Top 40? I'm having naked computer ride issues. Just adding money really would fix this one.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:30pm,

My college degree has "non-refundable" stamped on it, and while the Pythagorean theorem sounds vaguely familiar I have no recollection of what it is.

Yes, I do indeed lack basic knowledge in most areas, including English. Yet I'm a published author, and that is why I love America.

USA! USA!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:41pm,

Rules against kicking people in the nuts and taking their stuff are good.

Rules requiring all men to wear nut protection at all times are bad.

Does that help clarify my views?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

I have spondees in my panties!

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob - I too am a published author and that is one reason I too love America.

cycle

le Correcteur said...

WRM, did you steal "social panhandling"? If not congratulations; if so, congrats anyway.

Anonymous said...

didn say nothin bout no refund. just siad giv it bak. Hah!

Marcel Da Chump said...

1,800 Miles of Davis Music.

Anonymous said...

This is highly recommended if you haven't seen it ... and it's even topical!

(Which means you apply it on your skin, I think. Or maybe that it's near the equator.)

http://www.theonion.com/video/internet-scam-alert-most-kickstarter-projects-just,28655/

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:53pm,

OK, I hereby renounce my college degree.

This is so liberating. I used to feel unsuccessful, but now I'm proud to have accomplished so much with only a high school diploma.

USA! USA!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

bikesgonewild said...

...with the internet being one of the most prolific forms of social media, i guess now we're ALL published authors...

Anonymous said...

"Say what you will about Kickstarter, but there's no more effective tool for launching ill-prepared Americans into the world at large, where they proceed to practice a strange form of altruism that mostly involves asking poor people for favors."

It's the privatized Peace Corps.

Hmmm said...

I really want to like today's post but, man, its just too depressing. Or maybe USA USA itself is too depressing, I don't know.

Nobr Akes said...

BGW, Published on the internet? You bet.

Surely you will be interested in reading my paper entitled "A brief study of the socio-economic impact of the Lupin on society in rural northeastern Indiana."

Ln Wf said...

ths bud is 4 u

Dennis Moore said...

What, the flower Lupin?

Paul Bowen said...

Anon @ 1.21: well since you mention it the data show that if I did bash my head then a helm...hey, where are you going? I've got tons more of this stuff.

mikeweb said...

I almost want to give some money to the guy so he'll burn my name into his guitar.

Did I mention my name is Erma Doush

Dooth said...

Hey! Let's use Kickstarter to wipe out the federal deficit!

And the European debt crisis!

AND by bar tab!

mikeweb said...

McFly, please remove your crotch helment and report to the controls tent.

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm not sure but nobr akes could be talking about this 'lupin' although i don't see how it affects rural northeastern indiana...

Anonymous said...

More helment laws or ima gonna (run you over)and kill ya' and it will be your fault!

Anonymous said...

@ anon 130

you can thank your elementary school teacher for knowing what the pythagorean theorem is. As for the rest of what you know, I don't know.

bikesgonewild said...

...the couple pictured at the beginning of bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's post are starting up a kickstarter fund 'cuz after she read this - "Women have no cause for apprehension that they will become objects of unwelcome pursuit just because they are nude..." in the 'lupin lodge handbook, she just knew it was the place for her...

Anonymous said...

"no more effective tool for launching ill-prepared Americans into the world at large, where they proceed to practice a strange form of altruism"

I stopped reading there and must say liberal arts majors, or liberal arts schools top that list.

Not all bicycling for peace; they just move to the nearest city and work through temp agencies.

'Merica

grog said...

Quick, show me the antidote image to cure me of that naked pair.

Kickstarter is pure Kapitalism, and happily still voluntary.

Helment use is happily still voluntary, but Kontrollers of the Republic want to control you.

Don't need no stinkin degree to be a psychlist.

JB said...

x^2 + y^2 = z^2

x = length of right triangle leg
y = lenght of other right triangle leg
z = length of hypotenuse

--Chief Soh Cah Toa

BikeSnobNYC said...

JB,

From what I can tell, you've used emoticons to illustrate how a baby is made. Am I right?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

CommieCanuck said...

OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

I successfully used Kickstarter to raise $1.75M to produce this instructional video. That video has helped millions in Africa, and Maine, and parts of Iowa. So suck it, Snob.

I tried looking at today's post with special porn-proof goggles, but, my eyes, the goggles do nothing!

Captain Hardbread said...

Death Penguins!

McFly said...

JB-I KNOW THAT INDIAN! he's so trig.

MikeWeb- I have not worn a crotch healment since 2007 when I was changed over to shoot blanks....although I never did go back to see if it "took", something unsettling about that in-house firing range and no magazines.

Anonymous said...

The Comments today have a certain eff you, eff that, eff y'all thing going on. I, for one, do not feel comfortable here today - like someone's about to kick me in the balls, post the video of it on you tube - with comments off - and start a kick starter campaign to make a series of artistic ball kicking videos featuring my or our balls.

Dr. Feelgood said...

Thanks for that photo. I now have to tear out my eyes, burn them and bury the ashes in an attempt to remove that image!

Anonymous said...

Can you stop covering all this kickstarter crap? It's the venture capitalist equivalent of posting on craigslist asking for free shit. It takes about 15 minutes to set up, the success rate is low, but the payoffs are high. So yeah, you're gonna get a bunch of worthless spam from self-centered douchebags looking for free shit. It's. Not. Going. To. Stop.

Balotelli said...

Launching a Kickstarter campaign for a porn movie called Cockstarter...after I'm done beating Germany.

CommieCanuck said...

The Comments today have a certain eff you, eff that, eff y'all thing going on. I, for one, do not feel comfortable here today - like someone's about to kick me in the balls, post the video of it on you tube - with comments off - and start a kick starter campaign to make a series of artistic ball kicking videos featuring my or our balls.

This post uses the term, "balls" too many times for my comfort.

TEST ICLE

Anonymous said...

Anon@3:14

Who said anything about wanting it to stop?

Mockworthyness is a valuable commodity to a blogger who mocks.

But...

You could have made a Kickstarter = low-hanging-fruit comparison.

That would have had a point but you didn't do that. Instead you just whined about seeing Kickstarter here.

See the difference?

CommieCanuck said...


My college degree has "non-refundable" stamped on it, and while the Pythagorean theorem sounds vaguely familiar I have no recollection of what it is.


Geez..kids today. The Pythagorean theorem states that the further south you live from Canada (distance squared), the more likely you are to get eaten by pythons.

bikesgonewild said...

...therein lies proof of my good canadiana intelligence, eh, mr canuck...

...i moved to nor-cal like eons ago...any further south, florida, central & south america & it's python city...

...here we get the occasional rattlesnake & they're polite enough to announce their intention of standing (???) their ground...

...dumb luck or smart choice ???...either way, i know what i like...

Liz Hatch said...

Well, you gotta admit, the guy's got kind of a cute thing there. Little small, but nice and symmetrical.

Anonymous said...

Wildcat,
Thanks very much for another entertaining round of BS (BikeSnobbery, that is)!

Jimboner said...

Screw helmets I got Obamacare!

JB said...

0 c==8

Anonymous said...

Just looked it up on the web: if you don't have a job or insurance, you don't have to buy insurance if you're poor enough. Which I guess means you can quit your job and let the gov't pay your healthcare bills when you break your balls from cycling with an inadequate crotch helmet. Woohoo! We're halfway to being Canada!

Anonymous said...

I fell off my bike and broke my arm while not wearing a helment. See, I am living proof of the proven safety benefits of helments.

Note that far more drivers recieve head injuries every year than do cyclists. Should the mandatory helment debate not be about driving? After all, helments are compulsory in NASCAR.

Anonymous said...

I'm starting a Kickstarter campaign to collect money to make fun of people who give to stupid campaigns. Kind of a self-policing service for Kickstarter. How much can I expect to collect?

Anonymous said...

When they manage to squeeze eight airbags onto the frame of a Specialized and make it as safe as a Volvo (when operated sensibly, because yes, of course morons can turn foam rubber tomahawks into lethal weapons), then I'll see the validity of the old "Drivers don't have to wear helmets so why should I wear one" argument.

Anonymous said...

Anon@4:43

You're already a winner so any collected kickstarter funds will just be icing on the cake of your awesomeness.

Friendo said...

EVOL VING
FELL ATIO
CRZY LOCL

CommieCanuck said...

Liz Hatch said...

Well, you gotta admit, the guy's got kind of a cute thing there. Little small, but nice and symmetrical.


Yes, because that's what women want during sex, symmetry.

CommieCanuck said...

In 2010, 618 cyclists died after getting hit by a car. Meanwhile, ~30,000 people died in car crashes.

Let's stop all violent gun deaths by mandating kevlar vests on chihuahuas.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:47pm,

OK, so you'll only have to wear a helment when your'e driving a car without airbags or you're a passenger in a part of the car that is not protected by airbags.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Last word.

Captain Hardbread said...

are Death Penguins required to wear Helments, I think not

Anonymous said...

You nailed it. How do we get more "normal" people to ride? Marketing; setting a good example; becoming a third world country; immitating the Dutch; being less wierd. We look to you Bike Snob for those answers. Grease and Re-pack!

McFly said...

If I had to choose between having coital relations with the big-legged girl with cross-eyed titties or the murialed(painted) freaky freak that may or may not have operational nips then I would most definately pick the dirty hippy guy. Those women are unsettling.

Anonymous said...

I've never seen anyone on a bike who looked like the three "nudies" you presented. Not even in Portland.

Anonymous said...

BGW:

http://www.californiaherps.com/snakes/snakes.html

No pythons. But there are native Boas even in Marin.

I learned that in English class.

bikesgonewild said...

...whoa !!!...i know ol' hippie girls who'd squeeze ya like a boa but i honestly didn't know we had 'real' boas native to the place...

...i'm gonna have to talk to joe breeze (yes, 'that' joe breeze who has been our local flora, fauna & all 'round marin county wildlife expert for all 40 something years i've know him) & find out exactly why he never informed me of this...

...that is something i think i should a' been told about years ago, dammit !!!...

Anonymous said...

I think that if they passed an obligatory helment wearing law, many would wear it while many may not.

I probably wouldn't.

The police, generally speaking, have more important tasks than to run around ticketing cyclists for helment compliance.

They will ticket cyclist for running red lights before they do so for helments.

It is good people are fighting it, as it is a wrong, in my opinion.

The real danger, again in my opinion- is what Mikael Coleville-Anderson says is the negative marketing of cycling to the mass public.

Now with the helment debate ranging on nobody will want to ride their bike less their head is crushed like a cantaloupe dropped from a 4 story building.

McFly said...

For those in the concern if you will scroll down to the AAA porn and watch it 3 times sequentially with a further scroll and a chaser of recumbabe it will cancel out the disturbing nude people.

wishiwasmerckx said...

99th...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

Pythagorus said...

"right triangle leg"?
Is that how they teach it over here? No wonder you are all confused

Anonymous said...

In order to one-up the double ghost post, I will triple post.

Anonymous said...

In order to one-up the double ghost post, I will triple post.

Anonymous said...

In order to one-up the double ghost post, I will triple post.

Rollie said...

People who LOVE cycling smear creams on their scrani. Bullshit to that!

Anonymous said...

Ima going to shave my head and get me a helment tattoo - that'll show the man, eh, anon 6:32?

ce said...

Skull 2.0

DerZoots said...

SKullNET...
took over the defense grid.
Shit got mad boa dangerous.
People ended up clothless and cycle biclers.
Breasts suffered the worst after the rise of the machines though. Strange and misshapen bosoms were little comfort to the children of the wasteland.

The machines had broken man's will by ruining titties 4EVA.

tardy as usual said...

ONE
ONE
ONEST!

Anonymous said...

brilliant writing

Dick Trickle said...

about that first picture...

She's geared WAY too high, she needs to tail back to something like 38:18 and work on spinning... and the dude, well, no combination is gonna give him a bigger dick so I suggest "pruning the hedges".

Further, instead of bitching on an internet forum, these douchebuckets should just buy helments and give them away to people they see not wearing them. Perhaps then they would find themselves less confused by the Inkternex and its inherent subliminalities. (sorry, I didn't find a new word for today so I'm just coasting).

easy peasy BURMA SHAVE said...

"subliminalities" is new enough for me. taken.

next?

ce said...

Skullnet

ce said...

Alternatively, a vision of a utopian future where the self aware Skullnet does not destroy civilisation but decides to work in harmony with humans.

NotBobHopeOner said...

I can appreciate the deditcation but that's a brige, not a building.

NBHO said...

bridge even...

c-record said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
c-record said...

kickstarter... helping people to get other people to pay for their vacations since 2008

bikesgonewild said...

...@ cufflinks...looks like english...sorta reads like emglish but the truth is, it ain't english...

...back to school, fool...

DerZoots said...

@ ce
I'm down with that utopian short short style.
Where is your time machine at.
Weekend is here, almost.

leroy said...

My dog wants to know if anyone else smells unkempt genitalia.

I think it's a trick question.

Anonymous said...

$5000 KickStarter campaign to not learn local languages and render peace by spouting nonsense.

Sounds like they could have rented some Cantinflas DVDs and learned to talk to old people for that much.

Instead they do "not biking" while doing the "Ugly American".

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Anonymous said...

Sobby, what is with the gratuitous spoiler today? I thought your site was safe. Is this a Voeckler thing? No more snobby until the tour is done I guess.

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Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

I am just surprised to see that photo.And also don't know why.



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