Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Swollen Ranks: Who's #1?

Are you am amateur bicycle racer?  Do you sheathe yourself in Lycra and straddle the crabon pony?  Do you refrain from desserts and alcohol so as not to compromise you mid-pack finishes in local training races?  If so, you should know that "serious leisure male cyclists may experience hormonal imbalances that could affect their reproductive health:"



I learned of this from a fellow Tweeterer, and my first reaction was disbelief, since I don't see how there could possibly be such a thing as a "serious leisure male cyclist."  Aren't "serious" and "leisure" mutually exclusive?  Then again, I suppose it's a perfect clinical term for "Fred," since "serious leisure male cyclist" does evoke the sort of person who considers himself an elite athlete because he holds a Cat 4 racing license and who has to pay a coach to force him to ride his crabon bicycle.

In any case, here's what the researchers have discovered:

"Plasma estradiol and testosterone levels were significantly elevated in serious leisure male cyclists, a finding not previously reported in any type of male athlete," notes Leah Fitzgerald, Ph.D., FNP-BC, assistant professor at the School of Nursing and principal investigator and senior author of the study.

In other words, "training" makes Freds grow boobies:

Estradiol is a form of estrogen and, in males, is produced as an active metabolic product of testosterone. Possible conditions associated with elevated estrogen in males include gynecomastia, a condition that may result in the loss of male pubic hair and enlarged breast tissue.

As does chamois cream:

The study found an association between an increase in estrogen levels and increasing years of chamois cream use, particularly for male cyclists using the cream for more than four years.


Researchers also released this photo of a man in the advanced stages of Freditosis:


Sadly, it's unlikely that "serious leisure male cyclists" will be dissuaded by this research, for to find a more delusional group of people than amateur male bike racers you have to look to the more esoteric religious sects or the leadership of North Korea.  No, the fact is that it's only a matter of time before elevated estrogen becomes a point of pride for Freds, and they begin bragging about their balding mons pubises and robust man-breasts the same way they already like to show off their tan lines and share leg-shaving tips.  "Man-maries are so PRO!," the Tweets will read, and they'll be accompanied by Instagram photos of preternatural he-bosoms barely contained by $250 Rapha Alpe d'Huez Merino Climbing Manzierres.

Speaking of Rapha, they certainly stand the most to gain from this, because not only can they start selling bras to Freds, but hey can also tap the burgeoning transsexual market with their bosom-swelling, pee-pee shrinking, estrogen-elevating chamois cream:


(Chamois Cream: Turns Freds into Wilmas.)

Meanwhile, in other Fred news, Fred-dom's periodical of record has officially deemed Portland, Oregon the #1 bikey city in the United States, and her rain-soaked residents are positively brimming with pride and smugness:


I'm not sure it's fair to call Portland a "city."  New York is a city.  Chicago is a city.  Portland's mostly just a handful of trendy businesses that have sprung up around a sawmill.  I'm also not sure being #1 anything according to "Bicycling" is something to brag about, since it's sort of like getting a card from grandma informing you that you're the "#1 Grandchild."  Plus, as much as I love the good people at "Bicycling," they're not exactly the most cosmopolitan bunch, and while nobody's better at ranking identical Taiwanese crabon bicycles I'm not sure they're qualified to be ranking cities.  Having a bunch of people in Emmaus, PA judge cities is like having a bunch of Orthodox Jews judge a pork rib competition.  Still, I guess we should leave the people of Portland to their celebrations since it's really all they have.  I mean, take away the bike stuff and Portland's just a suburb of Beaverton with a few coffee houses and quirky donut shop.

By the way, if you want to find out how the rest of America's cities ranked, you'll have to click through the world's largest slideshow:

Sadly, "Bicycling" have to resort to these sorts of ploys since people who accidentally click on the pop-ups account for 78% of their print subscribers.

As for me, I don't have time to click through a bunch of slides, since I have a blog to run.  (I don't mean this blog, which takes almost no time to run.  I'm referring to my other blog, "Wet Hot Fred Boobs," which is extremely time-consuming, surprisingly lucrative, and tremendously popular in Japan.)  Still, I wanted to find out how my hometown finished.  So I picked a number and clicked on it, and amazingly I guessed exactly right:


I know I'm biased, but I think New York City should have placed a bit higher.  After all, we're world leaders in so many areas of cycling:

--World's most Fredly bicycle racing club (CRCA);
--World's most self-important retired professional bike racer (John Eustice);
--World's most heavily-trafficked Fred corridor (Route 9W);
--World's most nonexistent car (David Byrne's);
--World's largest bicycle clustercoitus (Five Boro Bike Tour).

I could go on, but the longer this list gets the more I want to move to Portland.

Of course, there's one area in which New York is untouchable, and that's the potential for interactions among different cultures.  Consider this for example:


Hasidic Dude For Shikseh Bike Riding Partner - m4w - 28 (North Brooklyn)
Date: 2012-05-21, 9:34AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]


Ok, this is not exactly a missed connection to a particular person, but I am a real hasidic dude who is looking for a multi cultural bike riding partner/expiriance. I do like to ride down to Coney Island and fort Tilden and Im sure there's a non religious girl who is wants to have a conversation wih someone totally different and learn a thing or two about he culture. I am down for drinks too, but really the weather is so beautiful and this is te time of year. 

Alas, it was only a matter of time before the constant parade of "muffin tops" caused a member of the Hasidic community to stray.  I'm sure he's eager to teach a willing shikseh "a thing or two about the culture" as well.  He's going to singlehandedly dispel that sheet myth once and for all.

120 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium!!!

Anonymous said...

Made It!

Alchemist said...

there's a new sheriff in town

Anonymous said...

What???? Almost podium!

Anonymous said...

HGBC 4 lyfe

Anonymous said...

Top 10? Woohoo!

Cat6forLife said...

Not bad for having one brake dragging

Anonymous said...

8th!

cycle

Anonymous said...

Top ten!! Holla

Anonymous said...

Holy Crap!! TOP TEN??

leogodoy said...

Missed the top 10. Such a Schleck, me.

Anonymous said...

Hey not shabby for a serious leisure cyclist!

crosspalms said...

Do I need to wear a serious leisure suit to ride my bike?

Dan said...

Fred to Wilma! FTW!

Anonymous said...

You nailed it today Snobby!

cycle

leogodoy said...

NY lost #6 to Madison, WI. Home of The Onion. That's all I know about Madison.

Dan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
singlespeedwaster said...

Eeh, the top 20! Surely pants are unnecessary when you're this high in the rankings.

Rollie said...

The estrogen is from all the goddamn car exhaust we're inhaling.

McFly said...

Hey everyone needs to slow down. I could use a victory to bolster my tour form.

Anonymous said...

Top20ish for a serious mid-pack finish all the way from the Left Coast, "man I've GOT to git a crabon FRAME"

Suk it NYC we're #1, we're #1! Why do I feel like a douchy Laker fan must (when they actually win, ha!). So empty inside. Maybe I'll just ride home and try not to get killed in this bike utopia smug-town.

der said...

22?
Consistent I be gettings.

zoots said...

ooops!

Hungry panda said...

That's why I use androgel as my chamois cream of choice.
Elevated testosterone and estrogen?

Horny but disinterested, describes all the racers I know.

ringcycles said...

Isn't it time that bike companies catered to the burgeoning TS leisure athlete market? Can't we have a Quintana Ru Paul? a Cervelo Pre-Op? A Specialized SheVa, An Ibis Tranny (oops), a Trek Madonna? If that wacky UCLA study is right, it could give a whole new meaning to "transition zone"

Anonymous said...

Wow. Snob, you're firing on all cylinders with this post.
Religious sects and North Korea? Mons pubises and Instagram? A feast of random non sequiturs - redundant, I know! - but somehow, you've managed to create a coherent mock here. This is truely a searing bike cultural critique that will resonate with your readers long after they've forgotten why they are thinking about their balding mons pubii while eating tomorrow's Cheerios.

Kudos!

Way to go, Snob, Cheerios and gynocomastia! No, wait, that was me. But you led me there!
Kudos!

And then to mock Portland AND Bicycling Magazine at-the-same-time? Nuthin' but net, Snob!

But what is this " sheet myth" of which you write? I'm lost with this one. Stumped even. I can't even think of a way to get mons pubis into that reference and I'm trying here, I'm trying hard.

Terre Haute Karl said...

Having a bunch of people in Emmaus, PA judge cities is like having a bunch of Orthodox Jews judge a pork rib competition.

That is a thing of beauty right there.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I am crestfallen because the only reason I ride is to keep my man-boobies down to a B cup.

I am starting a class-action lawsuit against Dave Zabriske for misleading me about my DZ Nut scrotal conditioning creme. Are you with me?

le Correcteur said...

Top 30; and classic again, BS:

Plus, as much as I love the good people at "Bicycling," they're not exactly the most cosmopolitan bunch, and while nobody's better at ranking identical Taiwanese crabon bicycles I'm not sure they're qualified to be ranking cities. Having a bunch of people in Emmaus, PA judge cities is like having a bunch of Orthodox Jews judge a pork rib competition.

Which fits in so cleverly with today's ending! Positively literary, Snob!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

FRED BRAS

wishiwasmerckx said...

If we are going with balding mons pubii, can we please switch back to vaginal shoreline?

g-roc said...

Wow, harsher than normal (though well deserved) comments toward the folks at Bicyclecycling magazine today Snob. Did they drop your column or something? I'd check, but that would require visiting their site or touching their rag.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Manssiers on sale at Nashbra.

g-roc said...

Not enough Wilmas out there so the Freds have to make their own. Oh wait, I forgot about the Wilmas on tri bikes.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Sheet Rumor:

http://www.snopes.com/religion/sheet.asp

Anonymous said...

Moobs and makes you pregnant, or that guy is hiding something under that lycra...what is the tensile strenght of lycra any way? I think freds kit may let go any moment and watch out then.

Dave said...

Our Hasidic dude may be eager to teach a willing shikseh "a thing or two about the culture" but he better not be teaching spelling.

mikeweb said...

No sheets for Shiksehs! Todays post reminds of the Bob storyline in Fight Club.

Anonymous said...

These nursing student must be sharp, seeing a correlation between middle aged American men and man titties.

SaddleAmericana said...

Today's reading "expiriance" taught me an important lesson: meeting "a non religious girl who is wants to have a conversation wih someone" is often times much more productive than sitting around talking about "he culture," since she reminds me to slow down and take time to enjoy life—after all, "this is te time of year."

Anonymous said...

Heh heh...... Wilmas.....

hey nonny mouse

Serial Retrogrouch said...

now, if only chamois cream could reduce the amount of hair on the legs, freds would be applying it directly there as well as to their pubes!

McFly said...

Large Active Metabolic Product Resulting in Estrogen,

L.A.M.P.R.E.

McFly said...

Boobs May Come,

B.M.C.

Billy said...

I could go on, but the longer this list gets the more I want to move to Portland.

GOLD!

I'm suffocating at my desk here.

I want to move to a biking mecca like Minneapolis or Madison, but they're all way too North. I'd really love a town like that somewhere in the South. I guess D.C. is on the top ten list, but that's only marginally southern.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you, WIWM, as soon as my nail polish dries.

McFly said...

Feel Deez Jugs,

F.D.J.

chester_chesterfield said...

Did they give the test population tests for PED's before coming to the elevated T conclusion?

If their sample population chosen from riders vaguely nearby to UCLA, then chances are better than 50/50 there would have been some WADA positives.

L.A. is swimming in PED's via anti-aging clinics for entertainment typse, body building, and Mexican pharmacies being a day-trip away.

Cipo said...

chamois cream!

This would screw up my dreadlocked feathered pubes! What would the donna's think? OMG!

3G said...

THE BRO!!!

ESTeemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

looks like the Bicycling Crew never made it out of Davis Square - WHICH IS IN SOMERVILLE, NOT BOSTON!!!

grog said...

Great post today. But.
How could you give us so much hormone, pube, and breast, yet still not include Recumbabe?
Need more bacon too.

Anonymous said...

Fantasy Article in Bicycling Magazine

Ten Reasons to Keep Your Old Road Bike

10. All the money you spend will not make you any faster.

9. Your wife will still laugh at you behind your back when you wear lycra.

8. You'll still get dropped on the weekly club ride by grannys on 3-speeds.

7. No one cares how fast you are.

6. No one cares that you have a new Cervelo on the roof of your Saab.

5. You'll never win the tour.

4. You'll never qualify for the tour.

3. The only way you will see the tour is on TV.

2. There are starving people in the world while you spend money on toys.

1. Lance Armstrong can still beat you riding a tricycle.

cycle

McFly said...

OK, one more and I am done.

Applying Salve Tends to Activate Nut Ascension


A.S.T.A.N.A.

Anonymous said...

I hereby cast my vote for Atlanta GA as America's Shittiest Bicycle Shit-Hole for its:

-Abundance of drivers actively attempting to "manslaughter" cyclists while yelling racial slurs and homophobic comments and casting empty (or full) bottles of Steveweiser at them

-A bike path to almost-somewhere (the only one I'm aware of) that stops in fits and starts, one involving a 2 ft curb-drop into traffic at the bottom of a steep hill. (W/ a small sign hidden behind weeds to alert the ever-ready rider to his or her now-mili-seconds-away death.)

-The fact that it's Atlanta, and everything there sucks balls.

Fistivus Maximus said...

Snob. Why not post a Recumbabe hologram on a daily basis? 3D of course. You could clean up on the sales of 3D glasses.

Big Charlie said...

Who's #1? what about #2? It is lunchtime after all.

Quick note to BGW from yesterday: The term "mulatto" is considered quite offensive by some given its origins (livestock, etc.) I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, just an fyi...

Anonymous said...

You could clean up on clean up of 3D glasses...

leroy said...

My dog suggested that the UCLA study explains why I seem to be in touch with my feminine side.

I told him that licking one's self doesn't count as putting one in touch with one's masculine side.

That shut him up.

Buffalo Bill said...

Did they mention anywhere in that study the possibility that some of these serious leisure cyclists might be doping?

wishiwasmerckx said...

All kidding aside, there are at least three major flaws in this study.

First, a sample size of 46 is inadequate to draw any meaningful conclusions capable of being projected onto the populace at large.

Second, correlations do not imply causality.

Third,self-reporting on the level or intensity of physical activity is notoriously unreliable.

Therefore, take away from the news report what you will, but this is hardly a rigorously-designed double-blind study.

Buffalo Bill said...

Ah, I see chester up there beat me to that incisive insight. Late as always. Maybe if I had a new bike I'd be faster.

leroy said...

Anon 12:07 --

The sheet myth has to do with some folks dressing up like the Holy Ghost in order to procreate.

At least that's what I was told.

Come to think of it, that doesn't explain why the sheet doesn't have eyeholes.

Someone my have been putting me on.

Terre Haute Karl said...

The question no one seems to be asking is, does this work on women? If I slather chamois cream on my wife an make her ride my bike, will she grow double-Ds and no longer have to shave her vajayjay?

Paul Bowen said...

"Having a bunch of people in Emmaus, PA judge cities is like having a bunch of Orthodox Jews judge a pork rib competition."

Boom! Brilliant.

ringcycles said...

Terre Haute Karl: from bitter experience I can tell you the answer is no and no.

bikesgonewild said...

..."--World's most self-important retired professional bike racer (John Eustice)..."...

...bwahahahahahahaha !!!...chortle, snort, chuckle, excellent, excellent, mfhahaha...(wipes tears from eyes)...stifle...

...okay, okay, i apologize for my outburst but honestly, if you're gonna post stuff like that, you should expect the occasional outburst from those of us who've been around for a while...

Spokey said...

Don't listen to that lyin wildcat

It's obvious he has never been to Emmaus. Why that megalopolis must be a good 2 or 3 city blocks long. In fact. you have to slow down to 35 mph (I think that's right) to crawl through the congested byways of the city. They even have a fireworks center. A legal one that is. How many you got over in brooksliner.


Oh, and bicyling isn't even there. You have to wander in to the wild country to find it. I did that once but couldn't find any bikeys. Only toothless foaming at the mouth organic farmars.

Anonymous said...

Karl,
Sometimes a small amount of undergrowth is nice to help define the vaginal shoreline. I guess it depends on what type of beach we are talking about. A nice compact beach not so much but a open faced roast beach then definately. The DD would be fun. Tell her, "Why don't you try wiping toilet paper on them, hell it made your ass swell up."

Anonymous said...

Portland Schmortland.

The only sting that Portland felt when Mpls beat them in the Phred Magazine 2010 Bike-Fredly rating was STD related.

Portland just does not have the cogs to rate numba 1 at anything. Not even STDs.

Anonymous said...

WishIwasmerkx,

Good catch on the flawed study.

On another note,

I can't get the impotence issue out of my mind at times. What is the upshot of that whole thing?

It seems the cycling culture is yet to adopt noseless saddles. If it be true then it seems we eventually have to accept noseless saddles as a way of life; as just yet another accouterment to our endless series of accouterments. I am not sure crying consiracy is accurate in the case of the impotence issue.

self-obsessed and sexee said...

Sexual scare tactics will never keep me off my bike. I look too damn good in lycra.

Cat 6 racer said...

a little HGH

some EPO

a ton of Pseudo Ephedra

and I'm movin on up to cat 5

Domino the Hut said...

pizza panties*

*double cheese, pineapple, schroons, onoins, anchovies and preborn shrimp

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 4:23, if you want a noseless saddle, try Specialized's new "Tyco Brahe" model.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Hard to believe Lincoln Ne didn't make the list at all. As far as I can tell, its infrastructure is superior to Omaha's and while I don't have numbers to back it up, I'd bet it has more commuter ridership, at least by percentage, and quite likely by shear numbers. I guess they need a bikeshare system, even though they don't really.

Oh well, it keeps the Lincolnites from getting all smug.

crosspalms said...

If I had a noiseless saddle I could sneak up on people.

John Eustice said...

Fuck you Eban!

Also, while I'm here I wanted to mention that I specialize in helping UCSF racers upgrade their license, I'm specifically helpful coaching the difficult Category 5 to Category 4 upgrade.

Simply email me at jde@spartacycling.com or 917-699-4566.

Ask about my First 4 Months Free! coaching promotion...

Anonymous said...

Sexual Scare Tactics!

New Band Name for this weekend's gigs.

The threat of swinging pants Yabbies is implied!

Marcel Da Chump said...

NYC would be Number One, if it wasn't for the Bronx negatively skewing the stats; it's just me, the food delivery guys and a couple of bike messengers... being hipster-free has its consequences.

Bisso said...

Thank you, wishiwaercx, for that random Dutch astronomer reference. Noseless people need recognition, too.

Artisanal Pain said...

Haha or lol I cant decide but John

Eustaces rebuttal was right on to BSNYCs

Category for him as the most self inflated whaty-called next to David Brains chevy nocar

HI fucking HILARY HOUSE!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Selective spelling to make oestrogen fit....

tsk, tsk.....

hey nonny mouse

wishiwasmerckx said...

Bisso, I have always felt that obscure Dutch astronomer humor is a severely underutilized comedic tool.

Anonymous said...

Russel Crowe trains super hard:

https://twitter.com/#!/russellcrowe/status/204960543382061056

Mind you, 25 miles is epic..

Ln Wf said...

FK U

Liz Hatch said...

This is terrible! If the boys can grow their own boobies, who will pay to see mine? Stop with the boobcream already!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I just did a Liz Hatch boobie Google image search and, after the requisite wank, can now report that Liz is safe from fredboob competition. I don't care how big the get, no manboobs will ever compete with them peaches!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

McFly said...

So I paid a professional surgeon $1600 and change to knock me out...go inside my scrotum....sever some shit and prevent me from knocking up honey bunny (no you doubters it was NOT state mandated) and all I had to do was keep riding my bike for a bit longer and I would be sterile? Damn it. I could've had a freakin' used Serotta.

Some horny old guy said...

I regret to inform you that Liz Hatch's impressive chest pillows are of the bolt-on variety, and ample photographic evidence of her pre-enhancement exist.

That having been said, I would still not kick her out of the bed for eating crackers.

McFly said...

M M M MYYYY Serottaaa

(riff)

M M M MYYYY Serottaaa

(riff)

Vaginal Shoreline Patrol said...

If you have not googled Liz Hatch until this post then you are banned 3 months from blogular activity. We have rules.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ artisanal pain...i agree...eustice handled it w/ a certain grace & aplomb...

...& being as that was the real 'john eustice' responding, i almost feel insulted in being the first commentator to run with bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's swipe & yet i wasn't offered a 'fuck you' of my own...

...truth is, i've had the opportunity to speak with eustice a number of years ago, so i'd have to suggest he's extremely erudite & highly intelligent...while i don't really enjoy his bombastic style of race commentary, i could only imagine the chap quite able to impart great volumes of cycling knowledge to riders with a need...

...i'd also suggest his 'take' on cycling being a sport of graceful artistry is similar to my own, as is his philosophy that one needs to invest in proper cycling behavior for not only the sake of oneself & the good of the sport & but also, so that the hapless but oh so observant general population sees us in a better light...

...we need to play the good energy forward...

...but i still gotta give eban total props for his original comment...it WAS humorous...extremely so...

crosspalms said...

McFly,
That song's going to keep me up tonight.

da-da-da-da domp-domp da-da-domp da-da-domp............

Nick Burns the I.T.Guy said...

Eustice seems pretty cool for an intense guy. I bet he spits all over shit, though. Say it brother, don't spray it...easy on the equipment.

Alan S (Helment Fascist) said...

Fort Collins bike scene kicks NYC's ass.

(yes I've lived in both places....as well as a few of the other top 50)

Anonymous said...

When I was younger I kinda wanted man boobs to give my left hand something to do.

Anonymous said...

Blowin up...

Anonymous said...

onehundred

Anonymous said...

late to the party and good night

Anonymous said...

wishiwasmerkxz,

kudos on the tycho brahe reference; I need to check bike forums maybe.

Also, Specialized has a GG Allin saddle you should check out, designed specifically for smartass commenters.

McFly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Best post I've seen in some time. WELL PLAYED, SNOB.

Anonymous said...

Tycho Brahe was Danish.

I'm not sure if he was a cheese Danish, though.

Anonymous said...

IL GRASSO PRINCE!!!!

Anonymous said...

Dutch astronomer humor may be a severely underutilized comedic tool, but Brahe was Danish. He had no nose, you say? How did he smell? (from stage left - "Terrible!")

Anonymous said...

Noseless saddles make you feel like you are plummeting into an abyss the whole time you are riding.

Anonymous said...

http://metronews.ca/drive/234446/bikes-new-canvas-for-automaker-technology/

brad ross said...

Snob, you owe me a beer. I just lost mine through my nose.

Anonymous said...

"suburb of Beaverton" Ouch, that stings :-)

Eddie said...

HA! Oakland made the list and Berkeley didn't place at all?!! Hahahahaha! There are potholes so big in Oakland that entire front wheels get swallowed up! And then some dude runs you over in his donked-out IROC Camaro with bass so loud that your fillings vibrate loose and fall out!
At least Oakland lacks the spaced out Prius drivers and distracted Cal students.
But really.
Berkeley's pretty nice for bikes too.

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Hydration Pack said...

The primal Jersey is fantastic!

Robert said...

Fat short dudes in lyrca.......*shudders*

mamun mia said...


You know why the short joe arpaio will not take his so called evidence to a US Court, because he knows even in Arizona, the judges will will first have a good laugh and then throw him out on his behind. Please stop listening to the snake oil salesman.

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Boobies growth. Gynecomastia surgery you want to be. How mezdeği a doctor from Turkey
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