Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wet Wednesday: Waiting for the Other Ball to Drop

As a bloggener, I have been known to proverbially drop the proverbial ball from time to time. (Proverbially speaking of course.) Fortunately, thanks to the vastness and omniscience of the social networking network, it isn't long before someone alerts me to my error or omission or whatever the case may be. Most recently, the creator of the famous "Hipsters Discussing Cyclocross" video expressed disappointment via the Twittar that I failed to furnish him with an appropriate "shout out:"

I do agree that "shit was like Nostradamus," and also very amusing as well to boot too, and while at the time I thought linking to the video was, ipso facto, a "shout out" (I have no idea if I just used "ipso facto" correctly, by the way) I realize now that it was insufficient and therefore I am also linking to his blog. (Click here to see his blog, or if you missed that last link because you were reading too fast, you can also click here.) I hope that this is an appropriate "out-shouting," and that he accepts my sincere apologies.

While, I'm out-shouting stuff I like (which is different from out-housing, which is an old-timey euphemism for "making"), I should also out-shout the Yehuda Moon Kickstarter:

I was disappointed to learn that Rick Smith had stopped his comic not too long ago, though I'm pleased to see that his campaign to produce the remaining three volumes in book form is already nigh unto its goal. (Ipso facto and proverbially speaking to boot.) So do support him if you're inclined, and if you act now you'll also get a limited edition signed copy of "Yehuda After Dark:"

Door-to-door bra salesman, eh? Sultry. I wonder where they're going with that plotline. You'll just have to order to find out.

Also, in other Kickstarting news, mobile-bike-shop-slash-rolling-party-guy-who-wants-to-move-to-Portland-and-got-mad-cause-I-mentioned-him continues to draw incrementally closer to fulfilling his own fundraising goal:

Still, with only eight (8) days to go he remains 4,449 USA Fun Tickets short. At this point, his only hope may be a mysterious wealthy benefactor with an irascible nature that belies a heart of gold. If you're such a Dickensian character, then consider giving generously. Remember: for the price of a single custom bicycle, you can help make a young boy's dreams of smugness come true.

But probably the biggest, fuzziest ball I dropped yesterday was forgetting to post the following photo, which was taken by a reader in a Manhattan Trader Joe's:

Yes, that is indeed a man in a helment and inline speed skates with a water bottle strapped to his waist perusing the ingredients on a box of crackers. After my initial delight subsided, I wondered two things:

1) Do Rollerbladers get even more annoyed by wonky shopping cart wheels than normal people do? I'd think they'd be extremely critical when it comes to any vehicle with tiny wheels. Along the same lines, I wonder if they consider mundane activities like pushing shopping carts or pulling wheeled luggage to be "junk miles," in the same way that roadies consider commuting on a city bike to be junk miles. Either way, it would not surprise me in the least to learn that this guy has a $250 ceramic bearing upgrade kit on his Samsonite;

2) Who would win in a one-lap race around Central Park? Roller Shopper, or Bart Kaufman, the owner of the World's Greatest Madone?

I'd pay good money to see that race. I mean, I wouldn't pay send-a-guy-to-Portland money, but I'd easily fork over like eight bucks. Maybe I should "curate" a Kickstarter to make that happen.

Of course, I'd pay a lot more if at least one of the competitors were to wear this stunning Wednesday-themed jersey which was forwarded to me by a reader and is available on a popular online auctioning site:

Amazed, I checked out the manufacturer's website, and it turns out they're sort of like a European version of Primal Wear, only they're not afraid to "go there." And when I say "go there," I mean making bold pronouncements like "F*ck the System:"

Don't let the asterisk fool you--these guys aren't afraid to openly mock signage of all types. "'Max Speed 30?' Fie!" "'The WC is that way,' you say? I don't believe you!" "'Except yesterday all day loading max-20 mins?' I'll load what I like, when I like, thankyouverymuch!" If you want to let the world know you think most highway gradient signs are spurious at best, this is the jersey for you.

Then, once you've "F*cked the System," you can move onto "F*cking the Gravity:"

It's about time someone had the nerve to tell Sir Isaac Newton exactly where he can shove that apple of his. In fact, I may get one of these myself, since it's that pesky gravity which is making me drop balls all over the place. In yet another example of my negligence, at least one commenter feels I have not written about the "pro peloton" enough:

Anonymous said...

Hey, are you ever going to write about the pro peloton again? E.g funny photos/celebrity lookalikes etc.

October 18, 2011 1:57 PM


I was about to reply with a simple "No," but then I went to Cyclingnews, where I saw Philippe Gilbert's hair:

If you're wondering what's going on, Frank Schleck is lending him some hair gel, and Andy Schleck is laughing because it's dripping all over his crotch.

Speaking of pro cycling style, Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish is upset because the UCI won't let him wear black shorts with the World Champion stripes:

Of course, what he failed to mention was that these are the black shorts he submitted for UCI approval:

("Rawr:" Cavendish's black team shorts with the rainbow stripes of the World Champion)

They were designed for him by his girlfriend, breast model Peta Todd, shown here in a stunningly tasteful (and emphatically unsafe-for-work) tribute to Native American culture:

At first glance it may seem a bit lurid, but keep in mind this is a totally accurate recreation of the manner in which Native Americans once used their mammaries to communicate with each other over long distances.

In other pro cycling news, the big story is that there's going to be a great big stage race in France next summer, and they've just unveiled the route:

Evidently, there's going to be a lot of time-trialling:

PARIS, October 18, 2011 (AFP) — Contenders for the 2012 Tour de France yellow jersey have been given notice of the need for strong time trialling skills after organizers unveiled the race route for the 99th edition Tuesday. A total of 96.1 km of racing against the clock will feature on the course, spread over the opening prologue (6.1km), Stage 9 (38 km) and the penultimate Stage 19 (52 km).

Seriously, that's just mean:

(The Frandy Schleck is so screwed.)

As you can tell from the above photo, not only are Frank and Andy Scheck upset, but they've also had their bodies fused into one during the off-season in an effort to bolster their meager time-trialling abilities, but sadly even that may not be enough to help them.

And lastly, the tech world is abuzz with speculation about Future Dura-Ace:


Details are still hazy, but it appears STI will soon stand for "Shimano Total Incompatibility."

80 comments:

frenchie said...

Woohoo et baguette

... said...

first?

frenchie said...

and 3rd.
time for ze weed, it is 5.30 pm here

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

mikeweb said...

Most definitely plussed.

Anonymous said...

top ten!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top 10.

Buy-cycle said...

Nien?

streepo said...

Balls

Wildekat Rawk Masheen said...

AYHDMB = All You Haters Drop My Balls

crosspalms said...

Ooh, I want a cassette that goes to 11. And I hope Shimano hires Nigel Tufnel as spokesman.

Anonymous said...

Shimano Electro shift Disc brake 11-speed.

And we were worried the hipsters were going to ruin cyclocross for everyone.

Anonymous said...

Shimano Electro shift Disc brake 11-speed.

And we were worried the hipsters were going to ruin cyclocross for everyone.

db said...

Wow, it's like Cavendouche constantly needs something to be angry about. Is he 13? Just ride the damn bike.

John Michael Swartz said...

My inaugural commutative test-ride from Kensington BK to my job on the UES (Ugly East Side) resulted in the following discoveries:

- the gelatine saddle that came with my bike is not conducive to "taintal maintenance" (or "taintenance" for short);
- the east river "esplanade" does not actually exist and is most likely a UN conspiracy;
- Kent Ave is windy! I mean, it only curves very gently, but the wind is high! Unfortunately, it didn't quite blow my mind.

What DID blow my mind was some scruffy dude riding what looked like a tall bike turned on its side. He was stopped at a curious break in the path (just past what looked like a schoolyard filled with brown and black beclad Hassidic young ladies, eh?) and looked at me rather beatifically. And because of this, it didn't occur to me that he could very well be the Wildcat Snobbering Machine himself!

I can only imagine that his non-nonplussed expression was due to the metaphysical balance acheived by the triumverate of my Panasonic tourer's Pie Plate, Wheelbrows, and Biopace Chainrings.

Love your blog, Snob! (Even if that wasn't you on the Big Dummy.)

Anonymous said...

TOP 20 DOUCHE!!!

Anonymous said...

Snob, you may notice that on the steevo's blog, there's a post about a certain someone wearing a bikesnobnyc t-shirt and a TT helmet while commuting in his hometown of pittsburgh, pa. Well, it so happens to be yours truly, the 11th-or-so place winner of your fatcyclist contest from a while back. Can you believe it?

petrus said...

Top 19 Frederick here. Thank you, sir.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday someone asked about the specifics of cyclocross bikes. Assuming Google didn't yield the answers:

Geometry varies a lot between different cross bikes, (high bottom bracket vs low bottom bracket, steep geometry vs relaxed) but there's gotta be room around the tires so that accumulated doesn't drag against the frame.Usually the cables are routed on top side of the top tube so that they don't interfere while shouldering.

Some people do use v-brakes. Again, clearance can be as issue. The new mini-v's are popular.

Newton Isaac said...

You may fuck with the gravity, but it is only going to come back and fuck you. Or at least bite you in the arse. On which note, Peta Todd is not a breast model, gravity-assisted or otherwise, she is a Page 3 girl, which is a whole different cultural phenomenon.

Anonymous said...

No matter how many speeds on the cassette, I'll still be slow.

cycle

Marcel Da Chump said...

Approaching the age of 50 feels like fucking the gravity.

theEel said...

WeED.

SLAM said...

I can't wait for my DI2 Sora crabon gruppo.

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ervgopwr said...

My sources tell me the other shifter maker starting with an eSS (ram) will becoming out with a hydrodoubletapdiscompatiblelever for next year.

Shimano as a Japanese company is of course dropping this tech from the future (where Japan resides), but it certainly isn't appealing to those of us in the backwater year of our lob 2011.

grog said...

LarryKing just takes the bust.

hillbilly said...

bueno

Anonymous said...

WAKED, BAKED, and read SNOB. Missions Accomplished!! [mid-pack second gruppetto fodder] Left the lighter in the team car. D'OH!!

Anonymous said...

but this one goes to 11....

Anonymous said...

STI-
shimano total incompatibility
shimanky throwaway instruments
shemonkey trash installers
shinomo testes included

boy jeez, you all can beat me at that.

anyhoo, I look forward to the next years installment of the le tourof le France, where I anticipate much broken miss-shifting bicyles will be key factors daily.

ringcycles said...

BSNYC: I think you've misunderstood Peta Todd. Those are screen shots from her pornographic re-make of "Blazing Saddles". Fortunately all the original dialouge works, "Howdy, I'm Black Bart".

cyclotourist said...

BALL DROP

Anonymous said...

Ringcycles @1:31 ---

"It's twue! It's twue!"

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Whatever the case Peta makes a fine indian. Albeit a fair-skinned one.

Carl said...

Why are you always so gentle with Yehuda Moon? It's an okay comic, but it's also the sort of masturbatory/self-congratulatory quasi-culture that you normally skewer. Also, the author kind of signed off a few weeks ago with sentiments of "THANKS TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE GIVEN ME MONEY, YOU'RE SWELL, but otherwise fuck you no more comics." As someone who makes a living offering free content for the web but also published a book, surely you have something to say about this?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Carl,

Because he and I have a secret scheme to abscond with all the Kickstarter money and buy matching Rivendells.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

J-Bird said...

Gonna get me one-a them Wednesday jerseys for sure!

Anonymous said...

The other ball finally dropped when I was about 11.

Marcel Da Chump said...

That Petra link is truly unsafe for work:
I can't see it because it's "blocked for security reasons".

leroy said...

If there's one thing I've learned dominating the Red Hook Crit Milano in the snack products aisle of the Red Hook Fairway, it's that you don't stop to read the Pepperidge Farm Milano cookie labels.

Bart Kaufman would totally own Roller Blade guy in a head to head match up.

If there's two things I've learned, the second one is to not waste time arguing with your dog about the merits of particular Belgian wheat beers while sprinting down the beverage aisle.

If there's three things I've learned, the third involves not letting your dog's buddies ring cowbells at the checkout counter. It just pisses people off.

ringcycles said...

RCT: "where are all the white women?"

Anonymous said...

Voeckler looks to be practicing his grimacing a little early.

Anonymous said...

Don't you mean Prima Facie Wildcat Rock Machine old boy? From the wiki of pedia:
Prima facie is often confused with res ipsa loquitur (literally, "the thing speaks for itself"), the common law doctrine that when the facts make it self-evident that negligence or other responsibility lies with a party, it is not necessary to provide extraneous details, since any reasonable person would immediately find the facts of the case.

The difference between the two is that prima facie is a term meaning there is enough evidence for there to be a case to answer. Res ipsa loquitur means that because the facts are so obvious, a party need explain no more. For example: "There is a prima facie case that the defendant is liable. They controlled the pump. The pump was left on and flooded the plaintiff's house. The plaintiff was away and had left the house in the control of the defendant. Res ipsa loquitur."

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

*cough*
*cough*
"haraaarch!!!"
*cough*
*cough*
"uhhhhhh"
*cough*

leroy said...

Dear Anon 2:29 --

Shucks, a feller can't hardly remember any of those fancy legal terms without a good memory device. Here's one:

There once was a lawyer named Rex,
Who possesed a small organ of sex,
He flashed it in court,
But the judge was a sport,
Holding "de minimis non curat lex, Rex."

Anonymous said...

Those of us at the front end of the main field think that you should open your suitcase of courage and write more about the sport of professional cycling.

Sorry. It's just hell, trying to fill all that air time.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@ringcycles
I have to go watch that again it's been a while. Mel as the chief -hilarious.

Gwyneth Paltrow said...

Niceth titsth!

Anonymous said...

this cassette goes to 11.

bikesgonewild said...

...they say one needs to visualize ones goal to achieve it & i can see what cavendish visualizes that gets him to that finish line so damn fast...

...look what's waiting for daddy when he gets off his bike !!!...

Anonymous said...

A group of birds is called a fleet, flock, flight, congregation, parcel, pod, volery or dissimulation (small birds only). A bevy of quail A bouquet of pheasants [when flushed] A brood of hens A building of rooks A cast of hawks [or falcons] A charm of finches A colony of penguins A company of parrots A congregation of plovers A cover of coots A covey of partridges [or grouse or ptarmigans] A deceit of lapwings A descent of woodpeckers A dissimulation of birds A dole of doves An exaltation of larks A fall of woodcocks A flight of swallows [or doves, goshawks, or cormorants] A gaggle of geese [wild or domesticated] A host of sparrows A kettle of hawks [riding a thermal] A murmuration of starlings A murder of crows A muster of storks A nye of pheasants [on the ground] An ostentation of peacocks A paddling of ducks [on the water] A parliament of owls A party of jays A peep of chickens A pitying of turtledoves A raft of ducks A rafter of turkeys A siege of herons A skein of geese [in flight] A sord of mallards A spring of teal A tidings of magpies A trip of dotterel An unkindness of ravens A watch of nightingales A wedge of swans [or geese, flying in a "V"] A wisp of snipe.

Anonymous said...

11 speeds directional chains with mile limits, handlebars with time limits, forks with crabon steerers, exploding wheels, unique integrated headsets, seatmasts integrated

HOLY SHIT

g-roc said...

foobar? Bah-ha-ha! Love to know what the oo stands for. Over Occasionally? Seems lame, like the asterisk.

I'm more dork than douche so I'll pass on the latin love fest (if only that's what it was).

skink said...

A bunch of douchebags, a collection of douches, a cluster of doucherists...they're everywhere; but a lot fewer when it rains, like today.

Anonymous said...

sweet indian momma

bikesgonewild said...

..."Waiting for the Other Ball to Drop"...

...my, my...that is both a sexist & hugely discriminatory headline...

...approximately 50% of the population doesn't have 'balls' to begin with, so there's that...

...& then when you take into account the 'emo/hipster' types, who, even if they had 'em when they started, have either given them up along the way to 'meh' or eventually will lose 'em to riding in those skin tight jeans...

...i think a little sensitivity training is in order here, amigo...

itown said...

What does a person who obviously went to Trader Joes via roller blades need a cart for? He can't possibly be getting enough stuff to necessitate a cart; how would he get it home? UNLESS... he drove to trader joes, but didn't want to be ridiculed for driving "the devil's transportation" so before he went into the store he put on his roller blades... That must be it.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Gravity is my bee-otch.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

@ Leroy - 2:48


How long have you been waiting for a chance to use that one?

Anonymous said...

I love a post that uses the word "balls" in such multitude.



balls.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Finally got a chance to ogle the Petra dish...
nice pair of lungs...a natural born climber...
opposites attract.

SAM said...

***ATTENTION leroy's dog***

Watch out for that Berkowitz a$$hole. I mean turn your back and bend over for a sec and he's in the out door. WTF!

Plus he has a children's coloring book out. Under the pictures it states that he was forced to shoot those people by a dog. What a major jackoff!

leroy said...

Nebraska --

Not as a long as my dog has been waiting to use "On Old Olympus' Towering Top a Finn and German Viewed Some Hops."

I tried to tell him no one is going to think he's a brain surgeon just because he knows the mnemonic to identify the cranial nerves.

His lack of opposable thumbs is the giveaway. Good thing neurosurgery is more of a hobby for him than a profession.

At least he gets to use his doggerel at Oktoberfests where orations about Finns, Germans, mountains and hops just seem to fit in.

Anonymous said...

duder

3G said...

Tits MaGee!!!

Anonymous said...

Funny??
I think Leroy is funny!

Anonymous said...

Are you saying that The Man[x] Missile is so fast because he has that third leg?

Anonymous said...

...sweat pants
....limp dick
....looking for weekly recumbent rides
....small group bukkake, BBQ and my signature 'twizty nipple' coctails

Jock Testosteroni said...

No Recumbabe today?

So Snob. Are you going gay or what?

Anonymous said...

I would definitely have donated money to Yehuda Moon if I actually enjoyed reading it... but on the handful of occasions I've been directed there by this blog, I just ... don't get it, *at all* - is^H^Hwas it supposed to be funny..?

now, xkcd is (occasionally) funny

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Wildcat Mock Racescene

See what I did there, the R and the M, tidy or what?!

I think that being good at F*cking with the Words must be another of those crafts for which superficial mastery can be fast tracked through the time-honoured practice of internetting and I feel that thanks to my time-honoured practice of stalking Snob, and a goog deal of Goodle searching, I may have made the transition from Newbie to Fred in this field.

After Snob's post today, I'm thinking that my next endeavour will be to work at rapidly attaining Elitist Douche status in the field of inline speed skating. Why? Think how epic it looks in a well edited edit, when under an ominous sky, the cyclist grinds his way up the gravel on a road bike. Well, can you imagine how much more epic gravel must be in the tiny-wheel speed culture? If your leading tiny-wheel comes across just like, one grain of pea gravel on the sealed path around the lake: Epic... Rapha sponsorship... women. Roll over an expansion crack in said path whose expanse just happens to be a little wider than normal due to the drying out of a subgrade containing a high proportion of clay: Gap jump... Red Bull sponsorship... women.

In the off chance that "women" are not the predetermined outcome of this action, my backup plan is to go all counter intuitive, get myself a bouncy Surly Moonlander, attire myself in a most fortuitously appropriate F*ck the Gravity jersey and set off to steal Cavendish's bouncy woman. Cavendish's world class cycling talent will be wasted at the side of the road as I use my meagre ability to power my woman laden Moonlander off into the protection of the desert moonscape yonder, where we will live happily ever after, in fur.

CommieCanuck said...

Feck the system. Feck the man.

CommieCanuck said...

ce...I'd read that comment, but I'll wait for the movie.

ce said...

CC, the movie is rarely as good as the comment.

Anonymous said...

Cty bike miles are junk miles... such a true statement!

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Fixie Bikes said...

That shit was totally like nostradamus