Friday, September 23, 2011

BSNYC Friday Yoga Class!

Are you one of those people who's dismayed that most Americans can't seem to wrap their minds around the concept of the bicycle as transportation? Do you find yourself smugly cursing your neighbors for their foolish fossil fuel-burning ways as you stroll the aisles of your local food co-op? Do you continue along this line of thought outside the co-op as you fill the trunk of your own car with organic groceries, which you'd ordinarily "portage" by bike, except for that it was raining, and you had to drop your child off at Montessori school this morning, and also you don't actually own a bike but you're totally going to buy one any day now?

Well, all of that's about to change, and in a matter of days everybody in Canada's Understudy is going to abandon their cars and embrace the bicycle like a long-lost sibling. That's because the Oregon Manifest begins this weekend, and America's top bicycle fabricators are going to perfect the utility bike:

BIKE CRAFT. DESIGN. INNOVATION. from oregon manifest on Vimeo.

Yes, it's Portland to the rescue, and once again they're going to show us what's wrong with everything. Now, I have no doubt that these extraordinarily talented framebuilders are going to construct some remarkable machines, but I also think the notion that you're going to coax non-cyclists out of their cars and onto bicycles by designing the perfect utility bike is about as naive as thinking you can turn homosexual men into heterosexuals by designing the perfect vagina. There are a lot of bikes (and vaginas) out there, and if you've tried a bunch but haven't found one that you like then it could just be that they're not for you.

Of course, one thing that might get more non-cyclists onto bikes would be if our laws and infrastructure didn't treat cyclists like fleas, and hopefully one day we can all live in a place where we're free to use whatever vehicle (or set of genitals) we see fit without fear of discrimination. To that end, I suppose Portland is as close as America gets to having its own artisanal bicycle-friendly utopia, though perhaps one day Rabbit Island will outdo it:

A number of people have informed me of Rabbit Island in the past few weeks, and inasmuch as it was purchased on Craigslist, funded by Kickstarter, and is being build by tools from Best Made Co., it promises to one day emerge as the Alexandria of Douche--either that, or as some sort of artisanal Jonestown where the inhabitants commit mass suicide by designer axe.

Apparently, Rabbit Island will be the home of some sort of "Artist Residency," complete with a natural amphitheater formed by an uprooted tree:


Here, you can not only take in a show, but also get a severe case of poison oak on your "taint:"

In the future we imagine this place to be a stage for the performing arts. Future artists-in-residence— choreographers, playwrights, musicians, theater performers, dance troupes, puppeteers, etc. will utilize the amphitheater for performances and concerts, developing their production in the nearby treehouse studio.

I have no idea if they're serious about the amphitheater or if this is just artisanally pretentious woodsman humor, but either way this natural amphitheater looks like the ideal place to relax with a glass of wine and watch a woodchuck masturbate. I also hear it's going to be the first stop on Letle Viride's world tour:

Just bring a lighter to wave in the air, as well as plenty of Tecnu.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then that's just fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see "mad tricks."

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride often.


--Wildcat Rock Machine




("No, I said 'hold the mayo'...")

1) Western civilization is in the midst of a ___________________:

--"Condiment revolution"
--"Condom mint revolution"
--"Cauliflower resolution"
--Period of unprecedented mustard abuse






2) "Hold yer ____!"







3) This bicycle is a:

--Colnago
--Polnago
--Holnago
--Golnalgo




(Body by Bard.)

4) In 2011 New York, having some old bikes in your apartment makes you a:







5) Some cyclists really are assholes.







6) Some bikes really do deserve a good flogging.

--True
--False




(Your local bike shop: outfitting the next generation of Freds.)

7) When visiting your LBS, keep your eyes peeled for:

--Speeding cars



***Special Dutch Bike-Themed Bonus Question***

All Dutch bikes are slow.



119 comments:

me said...

Podium!!!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no comment

Anonymous said...

great week snob

Charles said...

Maillot jaune, oops!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

g said...

top 10. Not bad....

Kenny Banya said...

Aced it

Special Lover said...

Top Ten!

Name said...

TOP TEN IS GOOD!......ISN'T?

eagleapex said...

This Portland Manifesto bike will cost no fewer than $3000. A REAL ALTERNATIVE!!!!1!11!!

Special Lover said...

Top Ten for my birthday. YAH ME!

Cortelyou Anquetil said...

re: slow Dutch bike design, if one top tube is good...

two must be better.

Quick-- somebody keep Hennie Kuiper away from the artisanal axe before, in shame, he does something to harm himself.

If only "Harry Schwartzman" had such shame (and an axe).

theEel said...

13th.


Weed.

Anonymous said...

Whip it good!

Terre Haute Karl said...

There are a lot of bikes (and vaginas) out there, and if you've tried a bunch but haven't found one that you like then it could just be that they're not for you.

Words to live by

Anonymous said...

I saw someone being a douche one day, and I said, "That looks like less work than not being a douche. And it is, it's much less work, as long you don't douche too hard."

C'mon Snob, "Farm house cyclists" has to be some tongue in cheek british humor, right?

mikeweb said...

Stay dry everyone!

Marcel Da Chump said...

No douche is an island.

crosspalms said...

Aced the quiz, so had to watch the Mad Tricks on purpose. It's a lifestyle. We're livin it. Loved the moonwalk.

Snob, any chance your pal Eric the Chamferer can slip you one of the 1000-euro Brooks jackets to review?

Anonymous said...

I have nothing to say but wanted to be in the top twenty, YEAH!

bacycles said...

Top twenty. Getting Better. Go Cadel.

Anonymous said...

"but either way this natural amphitheater looks like the ideal place to relax with a glass of wine and watch a woodchuck masturbate."

Snicker.

bacycles said...

21st! Dammit!

Klaus Mohn said...

Claiming to be reinventing the modern utility bike is amazingly presumptuous. It's like they don't even know Northern Europe exists.

Prince Willie said...

Preparing the rainbow condom for my Manx Missile

self-obsessed and sexee said...

Best Made porno movie:

BEST LAID

psycholist said...

Can't believe you missed the opportunity to point out that Rabbit Island is "a scant" (which is pretentious for only) 10 miles from Portage Lake.

television_writer said...

Sounds like a great new episode of my single-camera TV show "Xtreme Bicycle Cycling Life"

Duder #1
Dude, look at these awesome utility bikes.

Duder #2
Raaad. Those are so cool.

Duder #1
I've got a great idea. I'll get some money from my Dad and we'll resell product already built from China. We need a cool sticker though.

Duder #2
Hey dude, how about we use a gnarly Dutch name like Ritte van Stoneygarden!

Duder #1
Awesome! Now I just have to outsource the Illustrator designer and buy some product from Kinesis and we're in business!

Duder #2
Dude, how about names like
muur de hoogdravend
ronde van uitloper
omloop verliezer

Duder #1
Sounds cool! Let me call my Dad and get the money.

The next episode is the sticker reveal and sufficiently Euro website.

The episode after that, the boys take delivery of Kinesis product and sell their entire stock to privileged posers ashamed of buying direct from Taiwan or China.

I had Charlie Sheen interested for a while, but he moved on because his costars had too many lines.

Artisanal Commentator said...

What a lovely lake they have to pollute with their artisanal bathing contests.

I just checked their site and dudes bought an island without owning a boat. Hmm.

Anonymous said...

Funny post, thanks.

BTW, What's Floyd doing on the Dutch student design team? 0:42 seconds.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Learned an interesting factoid about Bard College, that frequent target of scorn around these-here parts. One Walter Becker met Bard classmate Donald Fagan,and they went on to form a little garage band. Perhaps you have heard of them? Steely Dan?

Gaffer Smythe said...

Take another vacation, you deserve it!

Anonymous said...

Nike? Really? Guess they dont care about sponsoring dog fighting, dog torture, IE M. Vick. Personally I will never buy or wear a Nike product again, and that goes way back to the waffle trainers of the 70's. They have lost their soul, and anyone who would sleep with that devil needs to rethink their sponsorships. Why is it they can buy people so easily? Does anyone even care anymore? I would love to write more, but I need to go tend to my child labor and dog fighting arena. Gosh I hope those corporate tax laws just keep on a comin. Great choice in a sponsor, Portland LBS can't really be that big of a whore can it?

Rudy Gonzalez said...

Who likes this cycling cap?

http://artasamurderweapon.blogspot.com/2011/09/custom-hat-by-taddihogg.html

Don Henley said...

wiwm, that might just explain some douchey behavior that has puzzled me over the years. Just sayin.

ervgopwr said...

Wildcat Rock Machine?

NOPE!

Chuck Testa.

Sorry, that was on the utoob, I couldn't finish that farmhouse mad skillz vidmeo.

hillbilly said...

a good weekend to all....

TYPO HYPE said...

is being build

SHouldn't that be builded?

Mad Trix said...

Great video!

GhostOfTyrone said...

The 10th Circle of Hell:

The Rabbit Island Puppeteers-in-Residence Present: "Premium Rush."

Tonight, and every night for the rest of eternity, at the Rabbit Island Amphitheater.

Etherhuffer said...

"Artisanal Jonestown"

The number of keyboards you have cost me grows larger. heh

Masturbating Woodchuck said...

If that is a amphitheater then their set builder must be collecting twigs and leaves right now.
I thought it was a privacy screen for the latrine pit.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Hillbilly, I am spending some time this weekend reading the newest release from Salmon "Premium Rush"die

the Ghost of Lester Bangs said...

Of course, "any major dude with half a heart" will tell you the source of the Becker-Fagan duo's name.

Anonymous said...

I have an uprooted (Ka)tree(na)in my yard. I use it as a backstop for handgun practice.

wishiwasmerckx said...

This factoid was likewise unknown to me. "Steely Dan" is the name of a particular vibrator from some porn flick...

portlandanonymous said...

anon @1.20 - nike is a local company in portland so it's ok

bikesgonewild said...

...william burroughs - naked lunch = steely dan...yes, big shiny dildo...

...too tired to say more...

Kid Charlemagne said...

the Ghost of Lester Bangs,
first of all, I miss your rock criticism.
Secondly, the term Steely Dan first appeared in William S. Burroughs' novel NAKED LUNCH.

There's a Steely Dan tribute band called Naked Lunch

A couple of other bands also found their names in Burroughs' book. Sorry, I can't recall off-hand. RIP.

Anonymous said...

Hey Merckx, Steely Dan is the name of a vibrating bikecycle made from reynolds 853. Rhymes with WHB. And as always, saddle optional.

leroy said...

Is it just me or did that "mad tricks" video remind anyone else of "This is Spinal Tap"?

Ride safe all! Ride dry!

4FUXAKE said...

um, wiwm, not quite:
they named the band "Steely Dan" after a dildo in William Burroughs' "Naked Lunch".

wishiwasmerckx said...

A William Burrough's literary masterpiece or some random porn flick?

I submit that in today's culture, they are about the same, no?

4FUXAKE said...

Department of Redundancy Department.

I gotta remember to refresh before commenting.

Mojo Nixon said...

No leroy, it's not just you. I did get about halfway through it before I figured out it was not just another stupid video. Well done, boys!

I thought everybody knew Steely Dan started out as a dildo.

Don Henley still must die, though. Just sayin'.

g-roc said...

Collector Asshole, LMFAO!

I'm totally going to get a bike any day now. I mean it this time.

Anonymous said...

So the cyclist in #5 says that the pedestrian whom he nearly ran over "made him" an asshole? Maybe she should have ripped him a new one, but I don't think she made him one.

leroy said...

Sven Shock's line in the mad tricks video about uncle not being around to see him ride reminded me of David Stm Hubbins' observation that he's sure he'd feel much worse if he weren't under such heavy sedation.

Wheels' affect in the joint interview reminded me of Nigel Tufnel's observation that you can't really dust for vomit.

Nicely done!

db said...

Who's supplying the Rabbit Island adventurers with their tweed work clothes?

yogisurf said...

Rabbit Island...the 1st winter...a small cabin...artists needed baths...Time for an Artisanal soap company.

Jasper said...

A cast of assholes - wasn't that the GOP hopefuls debate?
And since we're being all literary today, couldn't we get an Updike reference in there somewhere?

grog said...

Douche the asshole.
Take the bus.
This isn't my beautiful house.
I don't own a car.

Marcel Da Chump said...

On Rabbit Island, the resident artists will read all of John Updike's Rabbit novels in rabbit costumes during rabbit season.

bikesgonewild said...

...to be more specific, 'steely dan III from yokohama' (full name) was a big shiny strap-on dildo in william burroughs 'naked lunch'...

bikesgonewild said...

...'rabbit island'...bwahahaha !!!...

...body odor & baths are gonna be the least of these fools issues when that cold canadian wind starts to bring the frost & snow...

...i'm bettin' these 'artists' got another think coming, well beyond their imaginative vision of providing the opportunity for artistic creativity...

...it already smacks of a mid '60's sociological experiment gone bad...

...i'd suggest their first artistic production should be a stage play in the 'amphitheater' next spring...it involves everyone who's left & it should be called 'reality check' 'or how we learned to embrace the donner party concept'...

...just sayin'...

Pam Anderson's vagina said...

All the best dildos come from Yokohama.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

I grew up in southern Michigan and often visited the U.P. while growing up. Rabbit Island looks like a place I would dearly love to visit...




















...without the artsy-douchey folk.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

HEY YOU WOODCHUCKS QUIT CHUCKIN MY WOOD!

Podium Slut said...

I have been Cadelled.

Anonymous said...

Hey you woodchucks, quit fuckin on my wood.

Throwaway biking said...

Jesus. Do you know how hard it is to clean up red wine stains after you have sprayed a mouthful all over...well, all the things? Fortunately, nothing here was curated, and the wine came in a box.

Mehjor Taylor said...

Hey Snob, shouldn't the answer to #2 have been "iPhone" based on yesterday's blog? Although I like the tat too.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Oh my god! That thing ate my ampith!

skink said...

Might that be

KITTY CAT ROCK MACHINE

in the shades and Trek cap?

Like my honey would say:

"how cuuuute!"

leroy said...

Recumbent Conspiracy Theorist--

I believe the proper expression is "All you woodchucks stop chucking your wood."

Unless one has sipped too much wine.

Mistress Debby said...

Hey, I think I know that baby Fred. If I'm right, he's not a baby anymore. And his parents run a couple of great bike shops in northern Virginia. But that photo hasn't been on their website in ages, so maybe it's not really the baby Fred I'm thinking of. Though the background looks really familiar...

Mad Trix said...

I hadn't heard about the Wee Folk inhabiting islands in Michigan. Or is the amphitheater for the smaller woodland creatures?

I predict the island will be for sale in the near future. Probably before the Spring thaw.

JDH said...

Oregon Man Fest???? Duder, that's gay.

Anonymous said...

Wait portlandanonymous so when the City of Beaverton tried to annex Nike. Beaverton was trying to annex it to Portland on the other side of their city?

Anonymous said...

Terre Haute Karl said...
There are a lot of bikes (and vaginas) out there, and if you've tried a bunch but haven't found one that you like then it could just be that they're not for you.

Words to live by

True!

However there was some lack of snob with that statement
"and you should stick with your giant truck"

Anonymous said...

why ppl keep on making idiotic, misleading pointless video that angers me like that???? fuck

Charles Wood said...

masturbating woodchucks:

how much wood could

a wood chuck rub

if a wood chuck

coulld rub wood?

Anonymous said...

Wow, Steeleeeey Dan met at Bard? Another example of why teh "DAN" sucks ass. What a horrible, smug, self-conscious shit show of pretense.

Also, that Schwartzman dude is a total idiot pud. Acts like he's a crazy collector b/c he has 7 whole "rideable" bikes. Big fucking deal. And having precious bike bobbles you don't ride and compare to art is anathema to their entire populist genius. They're not "art". They are in many ways much more valuable. Another example of artisanal bullshittification of good, practical, historically rich stuff. Why do people have to act like they're so goddamn special? Are you that clueless? I'm guessing mommy and daddy told you you were special and unique a lot. Um, look around, you're not.

Anonymous said...

Check out this cycling video.. maybe it will help people understand why cycling is so great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nY4QZgjKWc

Finney said...

I'm still mad as hell.

My analyst told me to be more loving and kind.

I'd love to see those artisan douches kindly disappear forever.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@ Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition)

"artsy-douchy folk"

A day later I'm still laughing at that.

the Ghost of Clement Greenberg said...

I concur, rct.
Dare I say;
the curation of a post-modern nomenclature, supplanting artsy-fartsy?

Anonymous said...

Artsy-fartsy implies some dorkiness in a person with some talent, someone who might do really nice work but isn't really an artist. Hey, wait, I resemble that remark.

Artsy-douchey is a wonderful new term to describe the sorts of people who might buy an island and then go looking for a boat, or call a crater made by a fallen tree an amphitheater. Or someone who fleeces hard core douches by painting the handles on new axes and selling them for a 400% profit.

The Hunchback of Nostradamus said...

***SPOLIER ALERT***

2012 Tour day France Paris France - Champs Elysee - last stage GC podium finish

1. Andy Schlenk

2. Frank Schlenk

3. n-furter Schlenk

General Douchenamics said...

What? 400% profit? You think we don't have any overhead? You think those precious boxes are free? I--er--we don't even make half that by the time we pay our parents back, pay our rent, buy Krylon and masking tape and food and spend a little on handcrafted clothing. Then there is our beer budget.

Sure, I mean we make it look easy, but if we made that kind of profit the mob would be muscling in on it. As it is, we just have to "rent" a warehouse we have never been to and don't have anything stored in. Everything is cool.

Charles Wood said...

isn't it good?

norwegian chuck wood

Probst said...

Rabbit Island will hold an annual douche-off

sponsored by Best Made Co.

Rabbit Isand Resodent Artist said...

Make yourselves comfortable iin our splendid, arboreal amphitheatre.

I shall perform Chopin's A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC out of the finely tuned instrument that is my arse.

The farts you are about hear will the delight your ears and touch your noses with the stench of the my artistry.

ken e. said...

just let me break with the juvenile humour and say that dutch speed record video was awesome!

Gaseous Clay said...

A highly refined sensibility
is a requirement
for the appreciation
of the flatulent arts.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

96

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

97

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

98

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

99

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

100

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The molded full body seat of my recumbent is tops for long days in the saddle.

Hungry panda said...

recumbant?"

You need a life.

MORTY said...

rct, hungry pandas are nearing extinction. Their life advice is worthless.

Uncle Thurston said...

They sure make nice rugs, though.

bikesgonewild said...

...105th ???...wow, this is almost pathetic...

...bsnyc/rtms/wcrm goes out a' town & everybody shoots their load, admittedly whilst keeping things alive here on the 'home thread' but after a followup week, nobody's got nothin' ???...

...sheesh !!!...

...we need some kinda 'commentator viagra', a little literary stiffener, an erectile erudition pill to put a little, ahem, backbone, into the troops...

...i mean, really, i'm just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

And Skittles. Don't forget the Skittles.

Masrquis de Douche' said...

Think I'll mosey on down to Wall Street and get some free discipline.

OUCH!

screaming skull said...

No one mentioned the sexy bike chicks!

bgw, you're right again!

Anonymous said...

Jet lag must be tapering off.

Reggie said...

Lanterne Rouge, last woodchuck at the Ampitheather.

Reggie said...

I've been foffing off in the treehouse studio. What did I miss?

Anonymous said...

???

McFly said...

Laterne Rouge

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