Wednesday, August 24, 2011

This Just In: Off 'Til Monday!

Firstly, by way of dispensing with mundane matters of scheduling, I should mention that I will not be posting tomorrow or Friday, but that I will return on Monday, August 29th with regular updates. Therefore, you may or may not want to mark your calendars accordingly as I have:

I can't confirm that I'm going on one of those new "experiential vacations" where you get to work in a Subway franchise for four days, but I'm also in no position to deny it either.

Secondly, I want to thank everybody who came to the Manhattan Bridge early yesterday evening in order to receive free Knog products, and I also want to apologize for being a bit late. However, I do have a pretty good excuse. First, after yesterday's earthquake I immediately went to the closet to look for duct tape (as I understand it you're supposed to put duct tape on stuff in an emergency), and the contents must have shifted during flight because as soon as I opened the door I found myself trapped beneath 150 rolls of toilet paper. For three hours my cries of help went not only unheeded but also completely muffled by the patented Quilted Northern Ultra Plushness. Eventually I was able to tunnel my way out by means of a Surly Jethro Tool, but then I got stuck in slow-moving bike lane traffic:

Ordinarily I'd have passed them, but I was riding a Big Dummy and there simply wasn't enough room.

Eventually though I did make it, and people did proffer coupons in exchange for free stuff, as you can see in this photo that was taken by an attendee:

They were also kind enough not to make fun of my hair:

I was actually getting my hair cut at the time of the earthquake which caused the barber to lose control of his shears, and this was the only way he was able to correct it.

Speaking of ingenuity, while most people opted to print their coupons by means of ink jet printers that were nearly out of ink, at least one presented an artisanally hand-curated version:

It's a pretty good rendering, too:

There are even a bunch of squiggly lines representing the fine print. He must have one of those "MFAs."

But the best thing about giving away free stuff is getting free stuff, like this t-shirt:

As well as this inordinately fancy bottle of beer:

It must have been pretty strong stuff, because I don't remember much after that. All I know is I woke up in the park the next morning on a pile of coupons:

In any case, thanks again for traversing the Manhattan Bridge a few short hours after an earthquake, because I certainly wouldn't have, and I'm glad I had the foresight to arrange it on the Brooklyn side. Also, if you're the person who took my wallet, keys, and bicycle while I was passed out in the coupons, may I have them back please? Those weren't actually part of the giveaway.

Speaking of bikes, I was tempted to bring the "Base Urban" belt drive bike I'm testing to the giveaway so that everybody could gawk at its profound ugliness, but with one (1) moderately-sized box to portage I figured I should ride my enormous cargo bike instead. And while I'm still trying to figure out how the bike I'm testing is worth a whopping $1,750, I suppose it's a relative bargain when compared to this belt drive bike, which was forwarded to me by a number of readers and which "checks every box:"

As far as I can tell, this bike checks at most two boxes, those being the "I paid way too much money for a townie" box, as well as perhaps the "My name is Larry Olmsted" box. Then again, you do get that all-important belt drive:

It goes on. Instead of a dirty, noisy chain you get a Gates carbon drive belt drive and Shimano Alfine internal hub...

This confused me, because I didn't know they even sold bikes with dirty, noisy chains. Any new bike I've ever had actually came with a clean, silent chain. Then again, maybe I'm just out of the loop and the bike industry is putting dirty, noisy chains on new bikes now in a massive conspiracy to convince people to switch to belt drives.

Of course, if you really want to be cutting-edge, you should pair your belt drive with the Cateye "Urban Wireless" cycling computer, which will tell you your "carbon offset:"

Yes, the Cateye Urban Wireless will "fluff your smugness" as you ride:

In addition to basic ride data, both carbon offset and calorie consumption information will not only help you feel better from your ride, but better about your impact on the environment, too!

* This product is only available in USA.

It goes without saying that this is only available in Canada's "tramp stamp," since in no other country do people need to be coaxed, cajoled, wheedled, and rewarded in order to do ordinary, logical, everyday things in the way that Americans must be. It's also good to know that urban cyclists can now "foff off" over their crabon offsets in the same way that roadies dork out about their "wattage." Still, I would imagine this computer must be very difficult to calibrate, because it certainly can't be as simple as just entering your wheel circumference. I would think it would also need to know what your most recent meal was, and what your frame is made of, and where you're going. For example, someone who's had a locally and sustainably farmed breakfast and is riding a homemade bamboo bicycle to a shift at the local food co-op can't possibly yield the same smugness numbers as someone who's just eaten a McGriddles and is riding a Huffy to the OTB, even if they're riding side-by-side, pedal stroke for pedal stroke.

Presumably though, the Cateye Urban Wireless is an ideal training tool for the Brompton World Championship, and another reader has forwarded me this video of the latest edition, which took place last Sunday:



If you're offended by tiny wheels and men panting heavily, you may not want to watch.

128 comments:

Anonymous said...

whoziwhatzit

ken e. said...

go team!

Anonymous said...

podium?!?!

Anonymous said...

MANS HAND

PawnShop said...

Knog-free & non-plussed about it.

Anonymous said...

"Fork yes!"

Anonymous said...

top ten, bullfitas!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

I got some juicy fruit for you all.
California dreaming of BGW.

Anonymous said...

top ten

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

Anonymous said...

well

Bike Fail said...

What? You don't get time off!

Anonymous said...

You know what, I started reading not bothering with the comment race then at the bottom I see 0 comment. It's already too late and I get 12th position.

hillbilly said...

Happy bday, mikeweb!

Anonymous said...

Totally touch and go on the burger coupons, I love a crisp pickle with ridges salad marinated in ketchap and smokey beef flavor.
Was juicy fruit looking for a long recumbant ride?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Microbabe is not offensive.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wildcat, Make sure you remember to put on those latex gloves before handling customer's buns and lunchmeat.

Anonymous said...

Juicy fruit is looking for a Vienna sausage pudwacker.

mikeweb said...

Thanks hillbilly!

My free Knog stickers will make great patches for my leaky tent.

crosspalms said...

I'm glad the drive is a Gates carbon drive belt drive drive. Bike reminds me of a flamingo. It should come with a free Cateye Urban Wireless with a setting that tells you how much you overpaid.

Anonymous said...

Judging by that picture your demographic is disconcertedly male oriented.

Oh shit, I just realized I'm a male...

Anonymous said...

Just for perspective's sake:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/g/a/2011/08/24/funny_earthquake_damage.DTL&object=%2Fc%2Fpictures%2F2011%2F08%2F24%2Fba-earthquake_mo_0504002539.jpg

Neil said...

If the USA is Canada's tramp stamp, I don't want to think about what that makes Mexico...

Comment deleted said...

My Cateye carbon offset readout:

U SUK

petrus said...

One armed PF Fred @ !:!_

WRM, I will expect a post from you. I don't care if you have to send smoke signals. My boss will wonder otherwise. and I'll never be able to read your blog again. and then my cat will leak all over my carpet when he sees my frustration.

Really, Snobby??

henry gibson said...

a poem

if i were queer

i wouldnt drink beer

thank you

One Who Knows said...

SMUG FAST

RB1 said...

... dirty, noisy chain ...

i wouldn't know about that, but i rode one time with a guy who had an internal hub and it was about as quiet as a box of rocks being dumped down the stairs. it was so noisy it was even louder than my campy freewheel

Anonymous said...

Wonder if, when I replaced my snapped off crabon mtn bike handle bars with good ol' aluminum, my offset would show on the Cateye?

Hungry Panda said...

Dude, I had no idea I was supposed to give you something.

Thanks for hanging out with us peasants.

Good idee on not bringing the belt drive, everybody would have had a recommendation on how to fix it,
and isn't that the manufacturers responsibility?

grog said...

yeah, but since it's made of titanium, it would be earthquake-proof. right?

Henrik Ibsen said...

A poem:

If I were queer

I'd drink queer beer.

ZIMA RULS

The King of Park Slope said...

SMUG OMTR

That's how the kids di it ... right?

Fondo McFly said...

Shimano is entering the velo seat market. Shimano's top model for the anally retentive will be know as Dura A$$.

Charles said...

someone who's just eaten a McGriddles and is riding a Huffy to the OTB

Sprayed my screen on that one...

Marcel Da Chump said...

No surprise: the Wildcat Rock Machine cognescenti have nice bikes. Birthday punches for mikeweb!

hillbilly said...

I got there too late, nothing left, and I keep trying to hand my coupon to various people and no one is giving me anything. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

Wasn't that Mr. Bean on the Brompton podium?

Anonymous said...

Fondo screams out 'make it hard, make it harder Shimano' when banging himself with a crank arm.

james said...

maybe the bike industry is putting dirty, noisy chains on new bikes to imbue them with street cred. carefully curated nicks and scrapes coming soon.

mikeweb said...

Thanks Marcel!

Ouch!

Anonymous said...

What is my offset if I just buy a new crabon bike each year and then throw it away?

bikesgonewild said...

...brompton world championships = quirky with a capital 'Q' but they're riding bikes (of a smug sort) & having a great time...

...who can ask for more ???...cheers...

LEVI thumps SCHLECK said...

Wade1st!

HAIR FACE

CLIP FRED

FUZZ VISG

i'll go read now but wanted to get right into the comments before ... before the milk went stale

55TH! or something

wp

Leipheimer owns Crested Butte said...

oh wait it was #45 so that gives me another TOP FITTY!

see you at the crit sukkas!

wp

bikesgonewild said...

...just remember, mikeweb...

...when it comes to the 'becoming an old fuck on a bicycle world championship', i got you beat by a mile...

...just sayin'...but have a great day, bud...

Anonymous said...

smug patrol:
how far do you have to ride to offset the ownership of the cateye carbon credit smug device with lithium batteries?

some things cancel each other out, like the previously mentioned turbo porsche suv, and the prious.

Anonymous said...

Yes!

Cateye Recumbabe Cameo!

Fuck the system, and those PC prudes.

mikeweb said...

Thanks bgw!

CommieCanuck said...

The Cateye device measures crabon footprint accurately with an anal C02 Bluetooth sensor. This is why we can't have them in Canada, as a country, our heads are already up our asses. Simple logistics.

bikesgonewild said...

...@anon 1:29pm...a 5.9 earthquake back east, 6.8 biggy in peru, a whole series of 3.6 & smaller out here in the east bay...

..."...welcome to the hotel california"...no need for 'california dreaming' 'cuz mother nature is bringing it your way...

...& hillbilly...if you'd waited around 'til dark, somebody woulda handed you something, or at least asked for a hand at the 'bridge jerk-off'...

...

bikesgonewild said...

...& i suppose 'whole lotta shaking goin' on' would work as a theme song for several of the aforementioned situations...

Bobby said...

I finally figured out how to calinrate that stupid CatEye with smugness factor. Press and hold Mode and Set, skip past the wheel diameter, and choose a value between "brainwashed" and "braindead". Your carbon offset will be displayed just beneath the Smug icon. Sheesh, what absolute self-righteous idiocy.

And I thought "cadence" was a useful bit of data.

Think I'll just revert to a clothespin and playing card in the spokes.

ant1 said...

the guy that gave you the beer looks kinda like me. now i feel like i was there. and you're welcome.

ashcroftchops said...

Hey Snob!...... I love my Brompton and its small wheels. I also pant heavily at the sight of other small wheels...... Fold it baby!!!

ant1 said...

and happy birthday mikeweb.

ant1 said...

and happy birthday mikeweb.

ant1 said...

save one of those for next year.

GhostOfTyrone said...

Straight outta Brompton,
tiny wheels and men panting heavily

And since I'm known for my brevity
Peace, I'm outta here.

leroy said...

Have a great long weekend and thanks for the lounging smock!.

bikesgonewild said...

...ghostoftyrone...i hear the chicks dig your briefs...

GhostOfTyrone said...

@bgw

They like me better in bib shorts.

La Cosa Nostradamus said...

The answers to the August 26th Friday Quiz are;


1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

g-roc said...

"Don't put anything in my flower box" used to work for me. Then "If it rains take the bus" was my new mantra. Now I'm chanting "Don't check every box". Oh wait, when I say it like that ... Okay, back on track. $5500 and no Rohloff?
Last night I saw a tour bike online that checked every box and it was over 6 grand. 6 grand? Forget it. Just give me something with a dirty noisy chain.

Anonymous said...

You didn't wet yourself last night, did you?

leroy said...

And happy birthday Mikeweb!

You know that saying "you're only as old as you feel"?

God, I hope that's wrong.

Cr. said...

Steve Jobs resigned from Apple, here he is talking about bicycles:
http://youtu.be/2hXSfS1i4jU

Cr. said...

Steve Jobs resigned from Apple. Here he is awkwardly talking about bicycles :
http://youtu.be/2hXSfS1i4jU

Marc said...

Roy's has the best service shop in BK

Anonymous said...

ahahaha - Larry Olmstead! Funny!

Belt drive, not so funny - I bought one because cleaning a chain is so damn complicated (could never figure out if I should use shampoo or toothpaste), then had to hacksaw my chainstay off, and now my ride feels kinda wobbly.

Anonymous said...

...BGW settling into a 3.6 recumbant pudwacker.

bikesgonewild said...

...@anon 10:11pm...

...in psychiatric circles, you're doing what's called 'projecting'...

...you see, how it works is, you can talk about a topic to your heart's content & 'it's all good' but then when you accuse someone else of exploiting the particular act that you have in your mind, you are at that point 'projecting' your subconscious needs or desire on that person...

...i know this is all rather deep for you so lemme just say that i hope your mom doesn't walk in on you...but, hey - enjoy, ya ???...

...me ???...i just got off my bike after a ride & a shiatsu massage...i'd need a viagra to follow your train of thought...

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Anonymous said...

Holy crap!
Bikes Gone Wild pops massive boner and looks for boys to chuckle with after mom checks him out in a shower...golden shower. Then we speak of evil projectile dragons after popping a blue pill to make the recumbant bigger, more satisfying. I woke up all wet and sweating wondering who applied chamious cream in the night?
I am scared to recumbant any more.

Andy Shleck...please save me from the dragon monsters/we willy wanker and restore peace in the magical kingdom.

ce said...

My craziest crazy talking would not be worthy today.
What can I say? Have a great weekend all.

Anonymous said...

WSDY WEED

skink said...

Anon 10:11pm's comment and bgw's rebuttal brings to mind a Smiths' song in which Morrissey says:

when will you accept yourself?
(oh, the one that you hate)

JB said...

What am I going to read while I eat lunch?

Charlie Didrickson said...

I'ma open a store that sells $3 bikes and $5000 cups a coffee.

AndyBoBandy said...

Thanks Snob, i've now come up with my new career thanks to this post. I'm going to buy some one of those carbon offset smugness measuring devices and ride around all day everyday. Once I've racked up the miles I'll then auction it off to the highest bidding 4x4 driving business man to put on his £5000 road bike for his weekend jollies, so he can boast to all his banker friends about how he's more hardcore and 'smugger than thou.'
I will get top dolla. Confidentiality guaranteed.
'Just mine and your little secret...'
Then out pops the blackmail. WOOO!

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford posted 3 times this morning, while in Colorado watching the race, and hanging with friends, and getting in a long ride.

Slacker.

Anonymous said...

Did you give away any vagina seeds (you know, for a vagina garden)??

screaming skull said...

skink, before Morrissey belted out those lyrics, he sang these words:

everything is hard to find
when you will not open your mind

Anonymous said...

Oh let the Morrissey masturbation begin.
Vagina seeds thrown out the window.
Pants around the the ankles at a public park waiting for George Micheals.
Falsetto engaged.
Eating beef sticks Macho Man style.
Bi curious hipster wants me to roll a cigarette?
Stormy looking gal that dies her hair black and has more tattos than Phillis Dyler wants me touch her dry vay jay.
Getting some milk at the corner store.

Worried about tommorrow.
Jayhauk

big mouth said...

punctured bicycle

on a hillside desolate

will nature make a man

out of you, yet?

Anonymous said...

I read this site everyday. I own a sweet whip and hit the streets hard. I think you queers need get a life. This isn't a gay bar.
Stop talking trash!

Jrides

Anonymous said...

Jayhauk should either be punched in the face or publish a book of poems about public masturbation.

the Queen said...

Big Mouth strikes again

and I have no right

to take my place in the human race

ladymtbiker said...

I'm a little suspicious of the guy shown winning the Brompton race-- from the look of his team shorts under the Tweed-look twee outfit, he might be some RadioShack team member sandbagging.

crosspalms said...

Wildcat, I hope you weren't planning a beach vacation in the Carolinas. Stay safe all you East Coasters.

Anonymous said...

A belt drive might be cleaner (until it gets dirty) and quieter (until it gets wet and makes squeaky farty noises) than a chain drive but it's less efficient. This might be acceptable if you're hiding an assist by your beefy BB but if you're relying on spindly unshaven pins to get you to Mach whoo hoo it's a big deal.

Didn't Ritte Said Fred sing "I'm too sexy for my velo" or was it the Ritte Brothers who believed they could fly?

P. Stable said...

If you're a panting mam who's into small wheels, you should probably buy this t-shirt.

g-roc said...

ladymtbiker 7:38, wouldn't surprise me, none other than Mr Vuelta, Roberto Heras won it in 2009.

Anonymous said...

г Дзержинский проститутки секс знакомство с госпожами, трансами, рабынями, рабами секс знакомства в стрежевом секс знакомства с евангелидой из ставрополя сайта секс знакомств в зоне kg бляди и их телефоны Н Новгород секс знакомства семейным парам в астрахане интим услуги в омске секс знакомство для секса в городе елец секс знакомства павлодаре казахстан Снять проститутку в Москве или Подмосковье проститутки москвы теплый стан тайные секс знакомства в твоем городе

секс знакомство владимир

Anonymous said...

@crosspalms... I doubt WRM was, but I am/was supposed to go to Outer Banks NC tomorrow. This hurricane thing blows! (<-- see what I did there)

I envision WRM rocking his Big Dummy with the whole family strapped to the back splitting the lanes of gridlocked bridges full of NYC evacuees. I am sure he will leave Vito at home to protect the Ritte from the looters.

Mike L said...

ladymtbiker it was won by Dr Hutch, Michael Hutchinson, holds several British time trial records. Serious stuff. I came 59th. hem hem.

bikesgonewild said...

...mike l @ 4:06pm..."...I came 59th. hem hem."...

...so is that like a podium spot in brompton racing...everybody gets a hug & a trophy ???...

...i jest 'cuz actually it all looked like a damned good time...props, mate...

Marcel Da Chump said...

@P. Stable,
Eazy E just keeps turning over in his grave.

bikesgonewild said...

...poor bsnyc/rtms/wcrm...guys out loading up for 'the big one', straining the limits of the 'big dummy' whilst stocking up on canned goods & the storm will likely peter out & he'll be left with 1500 cans of soup that nobody in the family likes...

..."Irene good night, Irene good night,
Good night Irene, good night Irene,
I'll see you in my dreams."
...

Dexie's Midnight Runners said...

Come on!

Irene!

Amanda Adams said...

Maybe you will respond to this, maybe you won't.

I've read your book and I still don't know what I should do: Today was the end of the first week of school (I'm a senior at the University of Florida). Needless to say, traffic was heavy and people were in a hurry. To get where? Not sure, since Gainesville is so friggin' small.

Anyway, I was riding in the road where there is no bike lane and got honked at continually by an angry college student. I decided to shake my head in disdain at him and say, "I belong on the road." He swerved around me and immediately after that, a guy wearing a wife-beater and riding a chopper yelled, "You tell 'em, Sister!" Well, the biker chased down the aggressive driver and caught him at a red light. "Holy shit" was all I could think to myself.

The biker started yelling and cursing and kicked the kid's car, leaving a large dent and boot mark on its side. The tiny kid got out the car, so the biker got off his ride and ran up to the kid. The biker started screaming, "Why you tryin' to run bitches off the road?" The kid, clearly smaller than the biker, ran back in his car as the motorcyclist took off and the light turned green. Well, I had no idea what to do, so being the hippie type that I am, I tried to calmly explain to the motorist (as he was trying to start his car again) that I do, in fact, belong on the road. He didn't want to hear it. He sped off.

Five minutes later, a college girl in an old Mercedes started beeping at me, too. She rolled her windows down and started yelling as she passed me. All I said in response was, "I belong on the road."

Snob, I don't know what I should do. I'm starting to feel really fuckin' unsafe on the road, yet I want people to understand that I have a right to be there. Should I just ignore them? Even my own mother said she didn't know bikes were allowed to be on the road.

I realize this blog isn't an advice column, but I'd really appreciate some wisdom for an experienced cyclist.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey ant1, I caught you on film. Over at my blog.

Rocky Mountain Chuck said...

Hey Amanda, sorry to hear about your crappy experience. It happens way too often. But don't give up, you do have a right to be on the road! Check out Bike Forums too, especially the Safety & Advocacy forum. http://www.bikeforums.net/forum.php

We all get rattled by stuff like this, but it sounds like you handled it well. Keep riding!

experienced cyclist said...

On a road without a bike lane, ride close to the curb when cars are behind you. Let them pass. Safety first and alaways.

ce said...

Breaking News: Snob slips in polls, Chic to rule Cycledom

ken e. said...

stick with it amanda, the pea-brained nature of most drivers will never change. kudos for remaining polite.
hope all you east coasters are safe and sound!

bikesgonewild said...

...hang in there, amanda...& therein lies the dichotomy of cycling...

...whether it's a serious ride, a commute or just messing about on the townie, it's pretty much a damn fun thing to be out pedaling about on a bike with the exception of the abuse that comes from 'entitled' motorists...

...i have heard from people i trust that florida is particularly egregious as regards how cyclists are treated...

...just remember that although you may have the law on your side whether a lotta those types of drivers realize it or not, physics, unfortunately defines who 'wins'...

...ride safe, girl but keep on riding...

bikesgonewild said...

...hey, i just realized i'm @ 9999...that's all i'm sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Belt drive, yeah right. And when you need a new drive belt you just wheel into to the LBS and ... no parts.

No standards with the belt drives, no
way.

Big Audio Dynamite said...

Belt drive turntables!

Ruben Carter said...

I blame hip hop for making me think of women as bitches.
No disrespect intended.

Men are impressionable children.

JDH said...

As a person familiar with the Gates belt in different applications,I must state the bicycle is not a good candidate. Power transfer is highly dependent on tension, and chains are much more suited. Chainstays ain't got it when it comes to belts.

Rona Douche'Bag said...

I have it on good authority that Bike Snob NYC was spotted this weekend in Belgium at the Ritte Van Valaanderen Detached Hand Model Institute. Snob is apparently politicking in hope of junior obtaining a scholarship to the prestigious Ritte Van Valaanderen Detached Hand Model Institute which is considered the Harvard/Cambridge of the Detached Hand Modeling Universe.

Irma La Smugg said...

ATTN: Rubin Carter

Why has there never been a hurricane name Rubin? Enquiring minds want to know.

And should not the storms named after men be Himacanes?

Ruben Carter said...

Irma La Smug,
Check out Bob Dylan's DESIRE album.


Hell hath no fury...

bikesgonewild said...

...65 mile an hour winds ???...new york city has seen bigger blows after leroy's dog has eaten an epic burrito...

Don Merlot said...

Earthquake, hurricane and next up...meteor shower.

Irma La Douche' said...

ATTN: Rubin Carter

Get a dictionary and look up 'sarcasm' ...

"I like to spend some time in Mozambique
The sunny sky is aqua blue
And all the couples dancing cheek to cheek
It’s very nice to stay a week or two"

Ruben Carter said...

Irma La Douche,
...or maybe fall in love
just me and you.

Trey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trey said...

Love the blog. Please check mine out, I even did a bike review!

RCMC467 said...

What say you, Snob?" Tear him a new one for us.

http://www.pnwlocalnews.com/east_king/red/opinion/128417263.html

Anonymous said...

"I'm a little suspicious of the guy shown winning the Brompton race-- "

He's been national time trial champion more than once.

hey nonny mouse

(been away racing cars at Snetterton)

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Fixie Bikes said...

Hey! I was getting a haircut during the earth quake too! I thought a fat dude walked into the place!