Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Slam of the Tongue: Racing and Portaging

Did you know there's a three-week bicycle cycling stage race taking place in France right now called the Tour of France? There sure is. And even though it's the very first one, the cycling media is all over it. For example, Bicycling magazine has put their very best writers on the race. They've also put their worst writer on it--me--and here's my most recent Tour of France-related post. Also, here's other stuff I have wroten for them over the years. And here's a pretty picture of an egret. And here's a kid wearing an ALF t-shirt.

I realize that's a lot of stuff, but I'm just doing my best to please everybody.

Still, as hard as I try, I always manage to forget something. For example, you'd think that between the Tour of France crap and the egret and the kid in the ALF t-shirt I'd have satisfied every demographic. However, someone's always left wanting more--like the commenter who wanted to see Cadel Evans throwing his backwash onto Mark Cavendish:

Anonymous said...

Where is Cadel 'accidentally' throwing water at Cav?!

July 12, 2011 12:38 AM


Well, here it is:



Note the surreptitious manner in which Evans throws the water at the Vittel guy:

And them immediately supplicates himself before an angry Mark Cavendish when he's caught in the act, like a submissive dog exposing his belly:

It's clear who's the alpha male in the peloton, and I think mischievous heel-nipper Cadel Evans might benefit from a week with Cesar Millan:

(The Cadel Whisperer)

Also, speaking of creatures who can't control their tongues, here's Thomas Voeckler's wild Stage 9 tongue action via Cycling Inquisition:

Image hosting by IMGBoot.com

I think he may have taken that old Sam Kinison routine about "licking the alphabet" a bit too seriously. Actually, it looks like he's spelling out "maillot jaune" with his tongue.

Moving away from the glamorous world of professional bicycle racing and on to the sordid world of amateur unsanctioned bicycle racing meant to generate images and marketing copy for luxury cycling apparel brands, yesterday I complained that my team didn't make it into the 2011 Rapha Northeast Gentlemen's Race video. Well, the filmmaker was kind enough to visit the comments section and offer an explanation:

Stebs said...

Sorry I missed filming your team! We were all over the place and unfortunately missed a lot of racers...

July 11, 2011 1:32 PM

Right. WHAT-everrr. You can make it sound like a coincidence, but I know it's all about looks. I bet we would have been all over that video if we had sweet integrated aero-beard face fairings like this guy did:


I guess he couldn't afford the Rapha neck gaiter and so he just grew one instead.

Also, in other cycling apparel-related news, a reader tells me that Conan O'Brien and actor Mark-Paul Gosselaar recently had a chat about Lycra and leg-shaving:



By the way, if you look up Gosselaar's race results, he's got fairly impressive palmar├Ęs for a famous actor:


Certainly way better than that Andrew Tilin guy who doped yet never made it out of the 4s:


And then wrote a book about it:


I've actually been reading this book for weeks now but I'm still only on page 125. If I ever do manage to finish it I'll let you know what I think, but I may have to take some kind of literacy-enhancing drug to get there.

Anyway, as far as I know Conan O'Brien doesn't have any race results, but he does ride a Serotta and looks like an elongated Alexandre Vinokourov:

Meanwhile, in the world of non-competitive (except for Cat 6 racers of course) cycling, local site Gothamist recently reported on perhaps the most offensive bike lane television news story I've ever seen:


In it, the reporter says of a bike lane that would pass the Israeli Consulate:

"Imagine if the man on the bike was a terrorist!"

Right. Remember those bicycles that bombed the World Trade Center in 1993, and then destroyed it in 2001? Neither do I. That comment has to be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard anyone say about cycling or terrorism--on TV or off--and I would have given anything to see her get hit by that cab when she stepped out into the middle of the street at 1:06:

Not enough to injure her seriously, mind you, but just enough to keep her off the air. Actually, maybe that already happened, because a severe head injury is the only thing that could possibly explain her idiotic reporting.

Idiot reporters aside, I'm very thankful for bike lanes, since they greatly facilitate child-portaging. I'm constantly refining my child-portaging technique, and I recently realized that I had installed my Xtracycle PeaPod LT a little too far back:

Now, though, I'm running it totally "slammed:"


I was proud of my aggressive new setup, and I even boasted about it by means of the Tweeter, though commenter "ce" totally humbled me yesterday:

ce said...

Snob, slam your kid seat properly by ditching the deck and the various bracket bits. Attach the seat directly to the V-Racks with SuperHooks. Then cut the LawyerLegs off the seat to clean up the lines of your cargo area.


The bit about the LawyerLegs really stung, and as a child-portaging "noob" I had no idea I was doing the smugness equivalent of "palping" a pie plate.

Slam That Stem was even tougher on me:

Eventually I'll get it together, though I'm not sure I'll ever attain this level of child-slammage:

Now that kid is slammed.

98 comments:

Anonymous said...

DONKEY

Anonymous said...

BEEN A WHILE...FEELS GOOD...DONKEY!!!

dcdouglas said...

podium?

me said...

Beaten in the sprint...

Anonymous said...

yup

mikeweb said...

Don't be a-feared, it's only a beard.

Easton Heights Blogger said...

embedded video slows down my response time, but whatevs, top 10! w00t!

Anonymous said...

good read...

crosspalms said...

I think Marcia Kramer's on to something. I never ride downtown without cramming my panniers full of explosives. You never know when an opportunity for mayhem will arise.

poole said...

Shouldna ha read it first. top 10?

I am a smug parent engine said...

The doper next door, priceless,

That poor kid with fat ass moms flesh planted in her face still makes me whince after all these months. That kid is going to need some serious therapy.

Big dummy portaged kids will be the best well adjusted kids of all.
Superior smugness rating.

PEEP AWED said...

Your child could be a terrorist bomb.
Please inspect.

Kenny Banya said...

"mischievous heel-nipper Cadel Evans", gold Snobby, GOLD!

Anonymous said...

What if the terrorists go down to the Embassy dressed as reporters?

brighton velo said...

Is that a Black Flag tattoo on our lady friend's ankle?

Stupid Name said...

"What if the reporters go down to the Embassy dressed as terrorists?"

Certainly not the brain trust they think they are.

Anonymous said...

Someone needs to contact DSS. If that woman farts she could kill that child.

And you think Thor is the "God of Thunder"?

Anonymous said...

Now where do you park that news van?

mikeweb said...

Funny, I didn't know that Billy Gibbons was into Gentlemans' Rides.

Anonymous said...

"Imagine if the man on the bike was a terrorist!"

So offensive, on so many levels...

grog said...

(They don’t call Thor Hushovd the “God of Thunder” for nothing.)

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thanks Wildcat, that is a lovely egret.

Bad Lawyer said...

Thomas Voelker is the new Michael Jordan...mmmm, maybe not.

Bad Lawyer said...

I'm outraged over the kid in the child seat! NO helmet. What could she be thinking?

Anonymous said...

5-hour energy: fix the tired!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I didn't know Serrota made a tall bike.

Anonymous said...

Griepel beats Cavendork......incoming live feed on Bitter Pity Party........ohh wait, the Eurospurt commenting team just took care of that w/ onanistic flair.

Anonymous said...

Keep the "LawyerLegs" on the child
seat, unless you are sure about the
spoke protection otherwise.
You can't see your kid's
feet, and he doesn't know about the
spoke hazard. (My brother, at age 3,
got his heel stuck into the spokes
while in a child seat.
He recovered to play soccer,
but it was ugly for a few weeks.)
Be safe, dorkiness rules!

Douche of Earl said...

"Gentlemen" don't complain about being left on the cutting room floor.

BITR SNOB

Anonymous said...

wow, that reporter is fucking retarded.

Anonymous said...

Cadel was merely showing his dissatisfaction with the quality of French tap water.
By throwing it on the Vittel guy, he hoped some marketing bigwig would notice and offer him a lifetime supply. No biggie: somewhere around the Fifth Circle of Hell there's a water fountain that caters solely to sore losers.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Imagine.

hillbilly said...

She's right, clearly the embassy should have a moat around it.

Anonymous said...

RE: Terrorism and Cycling

After 9/11 the bike lanes across the Golden Gate Bridge for security reasons.

If I were planning to take that bridge down I wouldn't be using a bicycle, I'd load up a tractor trailer with plastique. The 18 wheelers were crossing without inspection.

People just love to find a reason to hinder bike use.

Anonymous said...

After 9/11 the bike lanes across the Golden Gate Bridge * WERE CLOSED* for security reasons.

(sorry)

Chris said...

Isn't it true that most reporters from around the world who are sent to France to cover the Tour report it from their hotel rooms, watching it on television?

That's what caused that car to crash into those unfortunate racers this weekend.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Fran said...

Snob, please excuse my ignorance, but what is the purpose of 'slamming' the kiddie seat forward. Certainly not the comfort and enjoyment of the passenger. I could see a possible center of gravity/physics benefit to the driver allowing you to corner faster, so maybe that is it ? You need faster cornering speed/control ?

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Fran,

He's still got more than enough room with it all the way forward, and I've got better access to the bags and deck for hauling my smugness accessories.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

xyxax said...

Fran,

For my kid, it's so she can more effectively kick me in the thighs as I pedal.
It's all part of the training plan.

J Scott. Meh Mouth. said...

No comment.

Philliggett said...

The most epic blog ever.

Rick Donkey said...

Conan's headtube is longer than my toptube...

leroy said...

Fran --

When my dog was a pup, he insisted we slam his pea pod forward so he could reach the energy gels in my jersey pocket.

Sigh.

They grow up so fast.

Billy said...

I've been thinking about this since yesterday, snob. Just before aero-beard-man there's a shot of one of the Rapha riders smiling. I mean, it's not an ear-to-ear bared-teeth primate dominance smile, but the fellow does look to be having a good time.

So maybe the mismatched kit was more of a problem than the smiling. The rest of the groups on there looked pretty uniform, even the tandem group.

https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/P-1J2wG3YgE99DxWyVBF-iN28Q4IITqkzxzoOpKtYEU?feat=directlink

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree, i think marcia kramer makes a good point. we all know that bikes are a terrorists vehicle of choice. for instance, when's the last time you heard of a terrorist using a car as a explosive portaging and delivery device.

luciferyellow said...

More kids in Alf shirts, or Ima fucking kill you!

2Liggett2Quit said...

Well "Colour" me tickled. Once again my naked torso has graced the BSNYC blogbook.

This is even better than finding Bobke in my personal portable loo.

Anonymous said...

Walnut bike!! http://gizmodo.com/5820094/i-want-the-walnut-bike-someone-give-me-the-damn-walnut-bike/gallery/1

Anonymous said...

Between the "Don't TOUCH me" clip, and the "Throw water on the guy working in support of the race" clip, I think it's safe to say that Evan's is the jack-ass of the peloton. That's an achievement.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Imagine

Marcia Kramer

on a track bike,

brakeless,

alleycat racing.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

LK said...

Maybe you remember, maybe you don't. After 2001 the Far From Complete Westside Greenway was closed from The Intrepid Sea and Air Museum to around 54th St, for the same reason. Terrorists on bicycles. We were redirected to the sidewalk on the east side of the Westside Hwy. Of course all the cars and trucks were flying American flags, so we knew they weren't terrorists.

Mark said...

Im meeeeellting

LK said...

Marcel Da Chump:

That vision is extremely unpleasant.

yogisurf said...

Improved set-up on the child seat, Snobby. Just keep an eye back there. Soon, you'll turn around and your tike on the bike will have the seat bag open and a tire lever in his mouth. Hopefully he won't sniff the glue.

Stranded said...

Conan's head tube looks nearly as tall as his tires. The perils of being a giant riding 700 wheels. Might as well get a p-far.

... said...

bumsfallera!

Stranded said...

Clearly, Snob, you have inadvertently exposed your membership in a terrorist sleeper cell--you and your co-conspirators' insidious plan is not to use bikes directly as WMD but instead to have cabs run over the reporters as they fearlessly expose themselves in the attempt to alert an unsuspecting public. Well, I say if it rids the world of one more pseudo-journalist, so be it.

Salty and Sore said...

Hooray for the new set up!

Now, I can refer to the little one as Snoblet again. For a while there, I was thinking of him as, Hatchback.

I have to disagree with ce, even though, I have no qualifications in child portagementitude. Isn't the rear decking supposed to be the smugness crumple zone? It usually is.

Salty and Sore said...

OMG!

There's a Segway race in Downtown Seattle today.

Suck it Portland!

ThaiStick McDouche' said...

Thomas Voelker French Kissing the Universe mon ...

So if you lose your short term memory how would you know?

Buffalo Bill said...

Someday I would like to race for the 5 Star Waste Vegetable Oil team. I guess in the meantime I will keep toiling for the Northwest Buffalo Skinners. Those homemade jerseys are hot this time of year though.

Anonymous Coward said...

Imagine if the woman with the microphone was a competent reporter.

Anonymous said...

I think Conan is sporting 650c wheels - he likes to stay close to the ground.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anonymous Coward,
that's too much of a stretch.

LK,
Media scare tactics.

gsport george said...

Imagine if the man on the bike was a terrorist! AND wasn't scared to ride with traffic!

Luckily such a perfect storm of a suicide bomber who is also prepared to take risks with his personal safety like that is astronomically improbable...

If only they hadn't built those "plane lanes" right up to the twin towers.... have we learnt nothing?
Thank goodness Kramer has thought of this in time.

Anonymous Coward said...

@Marcel - too much of a stretch indeed.

FrogTerror said...

Vespa riding French hipsters with retro bazookas FTW

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vespa_150_TAP

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@Frog Terror
Thats almost as intimidating as a machine gun mounted recumbent.

Anonymous Coward said...

The Voeckler GIF reminds me of Jabba.

Chazu said...

I've got broom wagon duty today.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Less Marcia Kramer, or Ima fucking kill you

leroy said...

LK --

I think the portion of the West Side Highway path you are remembering as closed after 9/11 covers the access areas to Pier 94. That was where the disaster relief center was located.

Security around Pier 94 was tight for everybody.

Of course, that doesn't change the fact that Marcia Kramer is a dope.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that doesn't really look like an accidental water toss to me. Hence, Cadel Evans, in addition to being a big whiner, is a tosser.

Marcia Kramer must be hacking into my phone. I know I have told more than one person that I'd really love to mount a rocket launcher on my bike. To take out all the asshole motorists like the cow who passed me yesterday in the style of a French VIP media car during the TdF.

Anonymous said...

Teen Wolf is so hot right now.

Joe said...

If you go to the channel 2 .com site and read the Marcia Kramer scary-terrorist-on-a-bicycle story you'll find some pretty funny comments that follow. The first one, and the best, is "There's no nice way to say this so I'll just ask straight out, are you and idiot?" The rest are pretty much in that vein. I like that those are following her around on her own page.
Just another shill for the anti-bike lane crowd, but even she must realize how completely pathetic and unprofessional (loony even) that one was. Could have been on OnionTV and nobody would have questioned it.

Anonymous said...

What is scary about that "terrorist on bikes" piece of journalism is to think about all the people at CBS 2 that were involved in building this story... They all thought it was a good idea... Scary.

(please excuse my english)

I am a curious engine said...

"I've actually been reading this book for weeks now but I'm still only on page 125. If I ever do manage to finish it I'll let you know what I think, but I may have to take some kind of literacy-enhancing drug to get there."

Safe to say that the book is not as interesting as it sounds?

Jasper said...

I thought another Brit with a long memory would have piped up about this by now, but twenty-odd years ago, there was a ban on locking up bikes within a certain radius of Parliament and Whitehall because it was feared someone would pack the frame tubes with Semtex.
Of course what the IRA did instead was infiltrate a road repair crew on Whitehall and lobbed mortars from there into the Prime Minister's garden.

And a tip of the hat to the Douche of Earl.

Anonymous said...

It looks like there's room for another snoblett on that dummy. Get to work!

le Correcteur said...

Snob,

WHAT-everrr should really be

what E verr. . .

Trust me; I've got a teenage daughter.

-le Correcteur

Joe said...

Answer to Jasper, what I'm a little afraid of is that the anti-bike crowd will pick up on, (and I cringe at what I'm about to type), that the CIA was providing bike-bombs (and all sorts of other ordinance) to the mujahedeen in Afghanistan to oust the Russians. (Pipe bombs, strategically placed, remotely detonated, disguised as bikes.)
If you see something, say something. "OFFICER, THERE'S A MILLION FUCKING POTENTIAL PIPE BOMBS LOCKED UP ALL OVER THE CITY!!!!"
Snobby, please delete this, it's just too dangerous.

Joe

read "Charlie Wilson's War" if you're interested.

Mybikesthebomb said...

Why do cyclists hate America? :P

Anonymous said...

"Imagine if the man on the bike was a terrorist!"

Funny thing, I imagined Isreali Massad dressed in Arabic clothing sporting a van on 9/11 more terroristic than a couple of cyclists saving on gas money.

Anonymous said...

"Imagine

Marcia Kramer

on a track bike,

brakeless,

alleycat racing."

I'm from Portland. If she ain't naked too, she's nobody!

Anonymous said...

MANX WASH
FROG LICK
EPIC EDIT
AERO HAIR
COCO BIKE
BOMB LANE
PPOD SLAM
BLAK FLAG
FACE PLNT

Anonymous said...

cadel is obviously trying to hit the lampre guy walking by. Maybe it was daniel righi, the guy had a fist fight with in giro 2010.

Jasper said...

Thanks for that, Joe. Good to know that the CIA is actually behind everything that happens, as we suspect...

Evan said...

Snob, thanks for the tip off to slamthatstem. Unfortunately, I now have a new favorite blog. We had a good run though.

Anonymous said...

I just read on
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcia_Kramer
that Mrs Kramer won two Edward R. Murrow awards.

Ed Murrow must do loopings in his grave.

Anonymous said...

"must be doing".
Sorry.

Anonymous said...

After watching the Cadel video I now believe that he is the best placed rider to win the tdf! His 'accidental' throw looks like he was tossing his dregs without a care for any passer-by ... a supremely self obsessed and selfish act. Now, to be an elite athlete you have to be an extremely selfish person (to log all those miles, catch all that sleep me me me etc etc) ... ergo the best rider is the most selfish! Go Cadel go!

ce said...

Anon 12:58/S&S, I am sure there are a multitude of compelling reasons not to fully slam and custom chop a child seat. I strongly suggest that anyone with less expertise than say... a Mavic R-Sys engineer not modify safety equipment intended for portaging human children (I thought the seat in Snob's picture was for Vito). But if you, like so many, do have a need to portage a monkey and you want to dominate the ride to the wholefood shop so that you can don the coveted hemp jersey, you should consider custom monkey seat mods as this component is an oft overlooked element in bicycle performance.

Astoriasontop said...

huh

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Fixie Bikes said...

Wow, people really wanted to get near that dude.