Thursday, June 9, 2011

This Just In: Umlaut Hö!


This morning started out like any other. I woke up in the bathtub, took off my scuba flippers, puttered into the kitchen, and poured myself a Bartles & Jaymes. Then, I casually checked my Just Dachshunds 2011 wall calendar on which my helper monkey, Vito, notes my appointments, where I noticed the following:

"Holy crap!," I exclaimed, spraying mojito-flavored wine cooler everywhere. Not only was my wiener dog Anthony due for an oil change at the end of the month, but I also had to leave for Gothenburg, Sweden--today! This is because I'll be speaking at the Göteborgs cykelfestival this coming Saturday and it will take me at least two days to ride there from Brooklyn:

Ordinarily it would only take me a day at most, but I'll be making the trip on a fixed-gear for additional street cred. On top of that, it will also take another two days for me to ride my fixie back from Gothenburg to Brooklyn, which means that I will not be posting tomorrow or Monday but will be back on Tuesday, June 14th with regular updates.

Vito will be staying behind and offered to post in my absence, but frankly he's a way better blogger than me and is liable to usurp this entire operation.

In any case, it occurs to me now that I've accepted an invitation from a person I've never met to visit a country to which I've never been in order to go to a festival that is a complete mystery to me since all the promotional materials are in Swedish. Nevertheless, I'm placing my full faith in the "bike culture" and hoping I won't be bound with duct tape, stuffed into the trunk of a Volvo, and dumped into a fjord somewhere. I've also done my due diligence by researching the Gothenburg bike scene and even watching some of their local fixed-gear freestyling "edits:"



Wow, these guys are on a whole other level. I particularly enjoyed the flawless angst-to-barspin, as well as the moment when the protagonist is attacked by a failed Aerospoke representing his own mortality:

I'm also practicing how to pronounce "Göteborg," but I'm not having much luck. Not only does the actual pronunciation have like eight more syllables than there are in the written name, but I don't even hear any of the same letters. In fact, I'm pretty sure he said "Yurts are boring"--which they are, but which doesn't change the fact that I'm, like, totally screwed.

Speaking of being screwed, many riders were screwed in The Great New York City Bicycle Crackdown of 2011 in that they received tickets for things that were not actually illegal. By now I'm sure nearly everybody on the planet Erf has seen the excellent Casey Neistat video, but it warrants inclusion here nonetheless:



I enjoyed this tremendously, but the only thing more frustrating than police ticketing cyclists for not riding in a bike lane is that some people are actually giving the filmmaker a hard time for not wearing a helmet. Apparently here in Canada's custom insole cycle-smugness yields to nothing, not even satire.

Meanwhile, illegitimate ticketing is not limited to New York City, for a reader tells me that a child-portager in London was recently ticketed for hauling a double-payload of human smugness:

Obviously she needs to satirize the incident by making a video of herself plowing into traffic cones and construction sites with both children on the bike. It will become a viral sensation, though the could lose custody of her kids.

Actually, I'm tempted to somehow work in a visit to London while I'm over in the Old World, since another reader tells me you can buy a £1million house full of bike crap:

If Scotland Yard is still hunting that mass murderer who's been preying on tweed ride participants, I think they may want to have a word or two with the seller, a certain "Mr. Wilsdon:"

I wonder if he also eats the tweed.

And with that, I'm stuffing my messenger bag full of clean underpants, straddling my fixie, and hitting the road to Gothenburg. I look forward to returning to this blog on Tuesday, but until then I remain,

Truly yours,


--BSNYC/RTMS




111 comments:

Anonymous said...

holy shit, yeah !!!!

Anonymous said...

and 2nd?

Anonymous said...

and sweep...
don´t ya just loooooove PEDs?

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

hillbilly said...

early! have much of the fun

Anonymous said...

Panties! Naked recumbent grrrl! Panties!

Anonymous said...

Oi!!! Anonymous #4,5,6
don´t mess with my anonymity!

David said...

I go woo hoo hoo hoo hoo at only 32.4 mph. Must not be a fred.

mikeweb said...

Woo-hoo-hoo!!!!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

mikeweb said...

Snob, watch out for Lisbeth Salander when you're there. She'll 'hack' your 'tweeter' account and send out salacious weiner dog pics. You'll return to Canada's wee-wee pad sad and deflated.

Anonymous said...

closing in on another title.

cycle

Bad Lawyer said...

I just can't believe you watched that scene from Wild Strawberries, all the way through. Only a road cyclist would put up with that sort of suffering.

crosspalms said...

It was raining today, so I took the bus. As I walked to the stop I thought "not so bad, I could ride in this." Then it rained harder and the lightning started up again. I've been caught in worse weather, but that's not the same as going out in it on purpose. So, bus.

Have a safe trip and watch out for the yurts!

Indy Falconheads said...

Got a good laugh at first glance this morning. Thanks!

Safe travels, Snobby.

Anonymous said...

The next logical step is to make a few "Fred" signs, and mount them alongside 9W...

Lord Adamantine Sedgepig said...

Take care. Have you seen Wallander and the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series? Both made by the Swedish tourist board to warn potential tourists that Sweden is populated entirely by depressed, pyschopathic perverts and policemen.

Chazu said...

Lingonberries.

And the smell of cold steel. Oh wait, that is the boot-shaped place.

Anonymous said...

HAw,
Dat Swedish bro don't know what time it is, yo.

Harald Fairhair said...

Sweden, Norway's Lapp-dog. Uff da.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

3G said...

DER SNOB

Borat said...

...and we say that when a horse isa happy, it isa likea when a man isa happy...

Anonymous said...

Is an 'umlaut ho' some sort of Scandinavian hooker with a specialty?
Hmmm ... I wonder if appliances are involved.

I am an umlaut engine said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Germanic_umlaut

Thank god I looked this up. It is all so much clearer now.

Where is the umlaut on my crappy I-pad? Is there an ap for that?

Speak slowly, the swedish speak better english than most new yawwkers.

I Go Around and Around said...

Heck, I'll give that guy $50 just to watch him crash into the back of another police car.

Hot out there today. It ain't the heat, it's all the effin' asphalt and the heat. Drink your water and pee freely.

Nogocyclist said...

The lady in London, portaging two kids on her cargo bike, should have gotten a ticket. Not for portaging her kids, but for being so controlling that she did not allow her 9 year old boy to ride on his own bike.

By that age, he should at least have a BMX bike, and being his mom is in all likelihood an avid cyclist, probably two or three other types as well.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Nogocyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marcel Da Chump said...

Abba's going to welcome you with a re-make of DANCING QUEEN...CYCLING KING.

I.P. Freely said...

Thanks for the advice.

Anonymous said...

it's just pronounced
"ya ta boy"

Anonymous said...

< ...dumped into a fjord somewhere...>

That'll be Norway, then?

Incidentally, there was a piece on the radio today (during P.M. on BBC Radio 4) which featured New Yorkers grumbling about how it's now illegal to do stuff that they think should be their choice, like smoking and eating crap takeaway food in public parks. Is this part of the same crackdown as the bike ticketing?

hey nonny mouse

grog said...

Lookout for the moose.
Tilt some windmills.
Bikalot, Sir.

BLOG VITO
TONY WDOG

Anonymous said...

Wait, NYC will actually take your money for a ticket given for a made-up offense?

"Excuse me sir, your tie looks like your neck threw up. I'm going to write you a ticket."


Balls.

Anonymous said...

Are there any Ho's in Gothamburg?
I though seeking a ho was illegal in the whole of Sweden, Norway's labia minora.
Please report.

Never Knows Best said...

You'll be missed.

By me.

Mostly right before I head off to work.

Yo Mama said...

Don`t forget your floor pump!

bikesgonewild said...

...enjoy the lutefisk...urp...

Anonymous said...

"for being so controlling that she did not allow her 9 year old boy to ride on his own bike."

Every parent has to gauge the kid, their abilities, the traffic. My 9 yr old isn't allowed on the main arterial streets on his own bike. He does take the lane in the side streets and secondary roads.

If the 9 yr old is a spaz, or has bad eyesight (most kids do relative to adults as fields of vision are very different), or bad directional hearing (again, most kids can hear everything but couldn't tell you what direction it's coming from), then a "controlling parent" becomes "responsible guardian looking out for the best interests of the child."

crosspalms said...

The Fred sign is a thing of beauty. Nice job, Anonymous Coward.

g-roc said...

I don't see why people are upset he's helmetless. Helmet's aren't required in NYC are they? However, I'm deeply offended by the lack of a helment.

Anonymous said...

that stock photo of the kid carrier ain't London. That's the Tiburon bike path in uber-smug Marin County, CA.

Anonymous said...

Yeah that pic is from the site for the bike she was riding. Which, btw, is the same bike that BS was gawking at a little while back.

http://yubaride.com/

They have multiple set ups for child portagating. I wonder what kind of set up she was running.
PS. She didn't get ticketed, just told to stop doing it. Vito needs to do a better job with his fact checking duties.

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...anonymouses 3:35 & 4:30pm'ses...i believe you're right & after doing a delightful 'tib loop' yesterday, (with some serious headwinds at times) i smugly rode out that path on my way back home...

...& looked damn good doing it too...

...just sayin'...

JDH said...

Fjording, Snobblet?

The sound of music said...

Climb every mountain, fjord every stream, follow every rainbow, until you find your dream...

Snorri Sturleson said...

Norwegians: Pillage, then burn
Swedes: Burn, then pillage
Finns: To drunk to care, burn, pillage, whatever......

Erik the Reddish-Pink said...

Sweden, Norways undescended teste.

Anonymous said...

you guys are too 'effin much! Great comments...

So much so I spit up my lutefisk today, whereupon it peeled the paint off the walls.

leroy said...

Have a great trip.

You can learn all the Swedish you need from Bialystock and Bloom's receptionist, Ulla, in "The Producers."

Apparently, "go to work" means dance.

Keep that in mind and you'll be fine.

Umlaut said...

Strick "O"

Concerned 2.0 said...

Nice you can see if Ikea gave some bikes to its Swedish employees. Or did they just give it to Canada's underwear to study if American's could actually put the bikes together.

Mark said...

Sweet

Poppadaddio said...

Re: Strawberry Fields
Um, yeaah. Someone's going to have to 'splain that one to me.

cramitsucko said...

On a whim, I clicked on the "next blog" link. It took me to a Viagara advertisment. Something you wanna tell us Snob?

Nogocyclist said...

Anonymous at 8:31. If you rinse the lye off your lutefisk before cooking it, it will not peal the paint off your wall.

BGW, don't recommend the lutefisk to BSNYC/RTMS unless you tell him the secret. Don't smell it first, eat it fast, and have a big bowl of Ustacaca (don't have a clue how to spell it, but that is how it sounds) and Lingonberries to eat afterwards.

A sufficient amount of the local brew beforehand may help also.

Nogocyclist said...

Addendum to my earlier comment.

Apparently the spelling of the desert I was mentioning is Ostkaka.

I remember having it as a pudding, but we made it the same way as this Swedish Cheesecake. I just assume the family recipe that was handed down to me was different from most of the forms used today. Nevertheless, it was good, and in either version, it should do the job of clearing your palette after eating Lutefisk.

Anonymous said...

Loved the satire video... more, MORE, MORE!!!

Anonymous said...

Du janais vu !
Luc

http://www.todayandtomorrow.net/2011/06/10/priti-baiks/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+todayandtomorrow_net+%28today+and+tomorrow%29

leroy said...

Nogocyclist--

Ustacaca? Sounds binding.

leroy said...

Actually, Ustacaca sounds like a song.

"Well, I ustacaca, but it's all over now."

Thank you. I'm here til Thursday. Try the lutefisk.

Nogocyclist said...

So......are there going to be any tweets from Sweden? Surely you could find a hotspot at the bike show and at least send a tweet.

Wonder what the roaming charges for data are for an American in Sweden anyway?

Jordan Ology said...

Hey Bikers,

Interested in participating in a focus group? Want to win an Ipad 2 or many other prizes?

Ology.com is building a new online platform called 'Ology Social,' and we're looking for serious cycling enthusiasts in the NYC area to give us suggestions on how we should grow and improve the website. Ology Social is all about helping people express and explore their passions with others who share them. We figured the NYC cycling scene would be a great place to find passionate people who will really help us develop an amazing site.

We'll be hosting focus groups in our midtown office starting June 17th and would love to get your opinions and thoughts on the website. All participants in the Ology focus groups will have a chance to win a free iPad 2!

Focus groups will run no more than 1 hour, and we'll be providing refreshments for all attendees.
We're looking for people between the ages of 16 and 35 who live in the NYC area (NJ is fine too).

Email Feedback@ology.com if you're interested in participating, and we'll let you know all of the details! Be sure to mention [Cycling Focus Group] in the email subject line, so that we know which focus group to place you in

Nogocyclist said...

leroy, I figured Ostkaka (correct spelling for my word "Ustacaca") had probably been made into a song. I did find one YouTube titled Ostkaka that was a music video, but it was heavy metal, probably not what you had in mind. Trying to find something hipster called Ostkaka aka Ustacaca, I did find an interesting site. Not about cyclist, but definitely an interesting hipster article anyway. In Swedish, so you have to Google Translate it, but here it is: Chronicle: Are you hipster or hockey butt?

bikesgonewild said...

...nogocyclist...any food that comes with directions like "...Don't smell it first, eat it fast, and have a big bowl of 'masking agent'...after consuming..." sounds absolutely delightful, ya ???...

...those swedes...no wonder they're so big on sex & suicide...

bikesgonewild said...

...will bsnyc/pdx/sfo/rtms be starting his mornings with 'umlautte's' whilst in the land of the lutefisk ???...

...just askin'...

Chafed said...

What is it about people, bicycles, and seatbelts? People ask me all the time if my cargo bike has seatbelts for the kids. I say "what, so they don't go through the windshield of your car?"

"They were not specific about what law I was breaking. They felt my bike was not meant for transporting people, only cargo, and they wanted me to have a a motorcycle-style shaped seat on the back and, ideally, seatbelts."

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

The trick with lutefisk is similar to escargot. Lots and lots of melted butter. But unlike snails, you don't want any garlic in there. Those flavors don't play quite as well together.

Oh, and only have some every ten years or so.

A guy who married into a Norwegian/American family.

Anonymous said...

I have never been to Goteborg but after a walking around Stockholm for a little while my wife agreed that we could have a temporary open relationship. The decision lead to a good time, though I might have left behind a blue-eyed parasite sometimes know as a child.

PawnShop said...

The trick with lutefisk is to avoid it entirely.

Nogocyclist said...

BGW Lutefisk flat out stinks when cooked. Here in the South it's equivalent is chitterlings. The Oriental version of a food you will not eat if you smell it first is Dorian Fruit.

My understanding Lutefisk falls somewhere between the other two. Dorian is king of the smelly foods with Lutefisk not far behind. Chitterlings are way down the list from the other ones, with some very strong fragrant cheeses falling somewhere in between it and Lutefisk.

Smell is not the only problem. The texture is almost like gel, or just plain glop. If you can handle the smell, the texture is hard to deal with. Most Swedes will put a Pea/Cream sauce on it to disguise this fact too.

Dick Cheney said...

Nowhere in the Geneva accords is lutefisk mentioned, so fuck off, we used it and I am not sorry.

The Decider said...

Lutefisked them up the wazzooo...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

An American Lonewolf in Sweden

-Coming soon to a blog near you.

Johan Erlandsson said...

I had a short chat with Bike Snob today. Here are some photos from the bike festival in Göteborg, Sweden:
http://www.ecoprofile.se/thread-2354-Fotokavalkad-Mycket-estetik-pa-Goteborgs-cykelfestival.html

Nogocyclist said...

Johan, thanks for the update. Well done, just some sentences Google Translate left me guessing at.

It appears that the hipster culture is alive and well in Sweden also.

Portland and Brooklyn said...

Fuck you with the California hat!

bikesgonewild said...

...jeez...after all the disgusting things i've learned here about lutefisk, i'll never lust after the 'swedish bikini team' quite like before...

..."...well, no, baby, i don't wanna come over for dinner & meet your parents...how about you n' me just go to mickey d's, okay ???..."...

PawnShop said...

In Minnesota, Norway's Constitution Day holiday is celebrated by the ritual eating of lutefisk. This requires about two weeks of preparing the fish for cooking.

In Norway, Constitution Day is celebrated by the ritual eating of Big Macs.

Nogocyclist said...

If I am in an area where I can celebrate Syttande Mai (Norway's Constitution Day,) I will just stick with the lefse. It's great for breakfast buttered with real butter and sprinkled with sugar. It's Norwegian enough for me.

A little know secret the Nordic people will not tell you, eating lukefisk is the equivalent of teenage guys eating hot peppers like habaneros, scotch bonnets, machos, Thai chilies, or jolokias. Like teenagers eating these peppers and saying they really loved them, descendants of Nordic immigrants do the same with lutefisk. To put it in cycling terms, eating lutefisk is like hillbombing with a brakeless fixie. No one really enjoys it more than they would doing it on a regular road bike, but to fit in with your peers, you have to act like you actually love it.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

@Nogo 10:59; Good way of putting it re: lutefisk, and amen re: lefse.

A Swede said...

Actually, lutefisk is had by old ladies exclusively. The habanero of Swedish cuisine is Surströmming - fermented herring - which tastes like hell and smells even worse.

Göteborg is pronounced "yeuh-teh-borg", btw.

ce said...

Göddamnsmugmonger is pronounced "yeh-hu-da-moon", btw

Anonymous said...

g-roc said...
I don't see why people are upset he's helmetless. Helmet's aren't required in NYC are they? However, I'm deeply offended by the lack of a helment.

Superfluous' apostrophe's are require'd ei'ther, but that doesnt stop p'ple fr'm the use' of them.

ce said...

I believe Göddamnsmugmonger is where the Schwalbe tyre factory is located.

Łukasz said...

Thanks for the advice. Hey

bikesgonewild said...

...oddly enough, i actually met 5 norwegians last nite...

...yes, i asked...only one of them would admit to actually liking lutefisk...

...they thought it was hilarious that i even knew about 'the lutefisk'...

Bjarney said...

Fuck the lukefisk. I'm all for smørrebrød with herring and some elderflower soda.

bikesgonewild said...

...@bjarney...with a scandinavian-ishy sounding name like that, i'm wondering if your comment, 'fuck the lutefisk' is a literal suggestion from a knowing old pro who survived long winter nights by that method or simply a figure of speech 'cuz you don't like the lutefisk...

Marcel Da Chump said...

sounds like a song:
fuck the lutefisk
fuck the lutefiisk
fuck the luteffisk
fuck the lutefisk
fuck the lutefisk yeah, yeah
fuck the lutefisk tonight

Anonymous Coward said...

@crosspalms Thanks!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Bjarney, the elderflower soda is called "Fanta Shokata," and it is wonderful, even though it is this weird electric light blue color. Try to find it at your local international grocer. You will not be disappointed.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Oh, and while we're at it...

w said...

100th comment!!!

Anonymous Coward said...

(100 and) First!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of my leadouts.

Anonymous said...

Yo, I thought YOU were my leadout!

2005 Ford Explorer AC Compressor said...

Hi, cool post. I have been thinking about this topic,so thanks for sharing. I will probably be subscribing to your blog. Keep up great writing!!!

Defensive Driving Course NY said...

Wooo-hoo-hoo-hooo!!! a good laughing post at first glance this morning.

I am a confused engine said...

Google translater may want to tweak their swedish.
Anybody make sense of this?

I asked for "Bike Snob NYC", the bike blogger flown from New York who apparently will be the most popular of them all. Over there he is ...

Here's how he describes the blog:

SYSTEMATICALLY AND MERCILESSLY DISASSEMBLING, Flushing, GREASING, AND RE-PACKING THE CYCLING CULTURE

This is a guy who succeeds by using humor, but I put some really dry him questions ... I ask what he wants to achieve with the blog, and he wants to cycling will become a phenomenon that the joke just as with everything else. This will be cycling a bigger part of society.

I wonder what he thinks is critical to cycling will have a greater impact. Better bike lanes and more bike facilities "Law Enforcement" (I will not figure out how to translate the best). To motorists blocking bike lanes without being penalized and that cyclists will be fined for not cycling on the bike path is an example of it.

We talk a little bike culture, coming to Copenhagen Cycle Chic, which would look good cyclists rather than sporty. Bike Snob takes no position here (he wears a really insvettad California Cap), but welcomes all kinds of cyclists, his only wish is that cycling will become a natural part of society. He does not like the conflicts that often arise between cyclists and motorists.

Check out the blog:
http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Helmet
hellmut
hailmet
helmit
healmut
helmet

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poroshosk said...

The only criticism I have is that you did the reno and then sold the house! Devastated! I was so looking forward to reading about meals and events that you would have in the new space. I am very envious of the kitchen that you beautifully designed. I often think that if I had a kitchen like that I'd enjoy cooking a little bit more.
But I suppose the best thing is we get to experience it all again with the new (old) kitchen! Can't wait!

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Fixie Bikes said...

Dachshunds are totally phallic.