BSNYC Friday Actuarial Table!

There are those who say, "If it rains take the bus." I am not one of these people. When it's time to commute, no matter how "chubby" the rain may be, I let the bus trundle on by.

I take the subway instead.

Yesterday though, I elected to commute into The Big City despite the rain, and even though I don't have an exotic titanium stealth commuter I enjoyed the ride very much. This is because, while my beat-up Scattante may not have features like exquisite welds and electric shifting, it does have these cheap plastic things called "fenders." In my estimation, when it comes to commuting, even the most expensive bike is worthless if it's underneath a soggy ass. Between my fenders and my upright bars from Rivendell I was quite comfy, though I also looked like some schlubby, ill-advised "collabo" between the Performance mail order catalog and Yehuda Moon:

Speaking of cockpits, in the night I have been festooning my cockpit (as well as my seatpost) with USB rechargeable Knog Boomers:

I realize I usually traffic in derision, but today's Friday so I'll say that between my old man bars and my conveniently rechargeable blinky lights I've been a much happier commuter lately.

Of course, if your bicycle does not accept fenders, you may opt for the so-called "filth prophylactic" clip-on iterations. Before you do so, however, it's important to know how to mount it. If you ride a "fixie"-style bicycle, you're supposed to mount it low, like a beaver's tail, so that it's almost scraping the wheel:

However, if you're a food delivery person, you're supposed to mount it vertically, like the tail of an alert dog:

I have no idea why this is, but them's the rules, and both fixed-gear riders and food delivery people adhere to them religiously:


I can only assume that the vertical fender mount is supposed to impart a "custom" look, like the tailpipe on this car I noticed recently:


Which features a vertical tailpipe:


Anyway, presumably my ignorance concerning the significance of the various bike-cultural "filth prophylactic" mounting angles is, along with my full fenders and upright handlebars and incessant hipster-baiting, yet another indication that I am becoming "old" and "out of it." And if I didn't feel like that when I set out on my commute, I sure did when I saw this guy:

Clearly the former patrons of CBGBs are getting on in years, which means I must be too. In fact, I think that guy might actually have elbowed me in the groin at a Token Entry show once.

Granted, I can't be sure, but I did give him a swift shot to the "pants yabbies" just in case.

Speaking of shots to the "nads," I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you will be transported to a state of ecstasy, and if you're wrong you'll see Canadian nostalgia.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your posterior be free from the ravages of moisture.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) Better late than never! Roberto Heras has just won the 2005 Vuelta a Espana.

--True

--False

2) The top tube of this women's road bike, which "ends in a bulbous tapered head tube," is called:

--"The Cobra"

--"The Python"

--"The Night Stick"

--"The Love Bludgeon"

(Should work great with gloves.)

3) This custom titanium commuting bike is called the:

--Stealth UltraCommuter

--FredTanium ÜberHybrid

--Specialized UltraSirrus
--Flat Bar Express

4) Which is not a rider profiled in Streetsblog's "My NYC Biking Story" series?

--A firefighter
--A deputy NYC mayor
--A woman in her 70s
--A freegan mutant bicycle club member and tall bike jousting enthusiast

5) Portland's cargo bike scene is:

--Flourishing

--Smug

--The world's single largest consumer of high-visibility clothing

--All of the above

(Like, where's the "ball" at?)

6) The latest ironic spectator sport in Williamsburg, Brooklyn is:

--Kickball
--Ultimate frisbee

--Hasidic baseball

--Vegan cockfighting

(Like, where's the "party" at?)

7) The latest ironic soirée in Williamsburg is:

--The "pool party"

--The "nacho party"

--The "Bar Mitzvah"

--The "vegan pig roast"

***Special Audible Alert-Themed Bonus Question***

Bells are out; ____________ are in.

--Loudspeakers

--Old-timey bulb horns

--Pots and pans

--Live roosters