Friday, June 24, 2011

BSNYC Friday Actuarial Table!

There are those who say, "If it rains take the bus." I am not one of these people. When it's time to commute, no matter how "chubby" the rain may be, I let the bus trundle on by.

I take the subway instead.

Yesterday though, I elected to commute into The Big City despite the rain, and even though I don't have an exotic titanium stealth commuter I enjoyed the ride very much. This is because, while my beat-up Scattante may not have features like exquisite welds and electric shifting, it does have these cheap plastic things called "fenders." In my estimation, when it comes to commuting, even the most expensive bike is worthless if it's underneath a soggy ass. Between my fenders and my upright bars from Rivendell I was quite comfy, though I also looked like some schlubby, ill-advised "collabo" between the Performance mail order catalog and Yehuda Moon:


Speaking of cockpits, in the night I have been festooning my cockpit (as well as my seatpost) with USB rechargeable Knog Boomers:

I realize I usually traffic in derision, but today's Friday so I'll say that between my old man bars and my conveniently rechargeable blinky lights I've been a much happier commuter lately.

Of course, if your bicycle does not accept fenders, you may opt for the so-called "filth prophylactic" clip-on iterations. Before you do so, however, it's important to know how to mount it. If you ride a "fixie"-style bicycle, you're supposed to mount it low, like a beaver's tail, so that it's almost scraping the wheel:

However, if you're a food delivery person, you're supposed to mount it vertically, like the tail of an alert dog:

I have no idea why this is, but them's the rules, and both fixed-gear riders and food delivery people adhere to them religiously:


I can only assume that the vertical fender mount is supposed to impart a "custom" look, like the tailpipe on this car I noticed recently:


Which features a vertical tailpipe:


Anyway, presumably my ignorance concerning the significance of the various bike-cultural "filth prophylactic" mounting angles is, along with my full fenders and upright handlebars and incessant hipster-baiting, yet another indication that I am becoming "old" and "out of it." And if I didn't feel like that when I set out on my commute, I sure did when I saw this guy:

Clearly the former patrons of CBGBs are getting on in years, which means I must be too. In fact, I think that guy might actually have elbowed me in the groin at a Token Entry show once.

Granted, I can't be sure, but I did give him a swift shot to the "pants yabbies" just in case.

Speaking of shots to the "nads," I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you will be transported to a state of ecstasy, and if you're wrong you'll see Canadian nostalgia.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your posterior be free from the ravages of moisture.


--Wildcat Rock Machine





1) Better late than never! Roberto Heras has just won the 2005 Vuelta a Espana.






2) The top tube of this women's road bike, which "ends in a bulbous tapered head tube," is called:






(Should work great with gloves.)

3) This custom titanium commuting bike is called the:





4) Which is not a rider profiled in Streetsblog's "My NYC Biking Story" series?

--A firefighter
--A deputy NYC mayor
--A woman in her 70s
--A freegan mutant bicycle club member and tall bike jousting enthusiast





5) Portland's cargo bike scene is:






(Like, where's the "ball" at?)

6) The latest ironic spectator sport in Williamsburg, Brooklyn is:

--Kickball
--Ultimate frisbee



(Like, where's the "party" at?)

7) The latest ironic soirée in Williamsburg is:




***Special Audible Alert-Themed Bonus Question***



Bells are out; ____________ are in.


69 comments:

Hot Sake said...

Fucks Sake!!!! Get over it!!!!

Anonymous said...

bonne st-jean, stie!

Anonymous said...

First!

Chazu said...

yawn

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium?

Anonymous said...

TOP 10?

w said...

GDI, 5 comments within the first minute of posting. This podium racing gets harder and harder.

Justin Wiltse said...

Top Ten! Hey Ladies!

Anonymous said...

Moin!

PK said...

Tenth?

PK said...

Tenth!

Anonymous said...

Hipsterhipsterhipsterhipsterhipsterhipsterhipster. There, I said it.

J Scott. Abort me. said...

Bromptons are for blow-hards.

crosspalms said...

I enjoyed the Canadian nostalgia then got sidetracked by YouTube to the Mercedes commercial where a woman tries to order fries in a library. This day just gets better and better. Looking forward to the Fucks Sake commercial.

Chazu said...

For the love of Lob, you could have warned us that the Canadian Nostalgia video was NSFW.

What a pussy said...

Did anyone else tear up at the Canadian Tire commercial?

Anonymous said...

Menchov gets screwed again....

Joe said...

When I saw the picture of the cockpit I immediately braced myself, assuming Snob was going to rag on those pretentious $90 handlebars (that I have on my $80 Craigslist bike.) Imagine my surprise when I realized that those are his own bars! Well, my excuse is that they're the only ones that take bar-end shifters. But I still cover them up with tape out of embarassment.

hillbilly said...

that's right suckers. podium. (everyone in front of me obviously is doped to the gills)

BikeSnobNYC said...

Joe,

Mine are only $43, but they don't take bar end shifters.

They're still pretentious though.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

OBA said...

Token Entry!!?!! Wow - didn't they change their name to Murphy's Law "Lite"?

Marcel Da Chump said...

I need a nice bell and headlight for my cockpit (Nitto red semi-rise flat bars, Cinelli titanium stem, Strong Light headset).

Anonymous said...

Imagine that racer chick lady who races road cycling bicycles...on one of those new ladies only bulbous tube thingy bicycles...that "wood" be nice.

SingleSpeedMark said...

"Don't de-RSS me, bro!"

Artful Function said...

At least you avoided these in your new cockpit curation.
http://www.bikemania.biz/Audio_Bike_Handlebar_Speaker_System_p/audiobike_original.htm

crosspalms said...

I had those bars on an old Fuji (which somebody stole a few years ago) -- they were great. I was really proud of the job I did gluing the cork grips on, too, till I realized I should have put the brake levers on first.

honkybucket said...

wow, I think I watched the canadian tire commercial the maximum number of times it could be watched for the quiz. Yes, I got a little choked up on the first viewing, but very much numbed to it by the third or fourth.

Joe said...

Hey, isn't that Hilly Cristal in the CBGB shirt?
And North Road bars are it. When the fixie craze is over it's going to be 3speeds with Nitto North Roads.

wishiwasmerckx said...

How this industry works:

BSNYC posts picture of his personal steed sporting moustache handlebars.

Accolytes and sycophants all across America make a run on moustache handlebars.

LBS, with no advance warning of the coming onslaught of demand for moustache handlebars, quickly sells out, then finds new stock backordered for several months.

Some factory owner in Tiawan creams his jeans upon learning this news.

Suchmaschinen Optimierung said...

Really interesting post and love it.

gregg said...

I also ride Albatross bars but with white Oury grips, very comfy. AYHSMBars.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice brass dinger you got on your old man bar Snob. Much sweeter sound/sustain than the steel ones. I've steel-wooled off the clear lacquer from mine and let it self-curate a nice weathered brass patina.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Oh shit-- I met Raven, the horn player with Murphy's Law, last year at CONTINENTAL BAR. If not for the drawing class I had scheduled at the nearby Cooper Union, some serious drinking was in the makings.

yogisurf said...

Damn, was on a roll with 5 right then the hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hipster hit the fan.

Marcel Da Chump said...

@Joe,
I hope your kidding...Hilly's RIP.

Anonymous said...

portlanders portaging their locks with a holster that's not located on their butt pocket

http://www.ridepdw.com/goods/cargo/takeout%E2%84%A2-basket

Anonymous said...

wishiwasmerckx:
The only problem with your scenario is the Mustache bars are made in Japan.

Anonymous said...

Clip-on fender mounting is an indicator of the rider's sexual orientation. Much like the statement of wearing a single earring in the left/right earlobe was in the 1980s.

It's something for the hip young dudes to decode, not a job for crusty old men.

Bill Smith said...

Word score: bike: 2, hipster: 0, smugness: 0, cycling: 0, yabbies: 1.

Jase said...

Snob, do you really "commute" or just do laps of the block before returning home and curating a few YouTube vids??
Lob forbid stagnant book sales and hungry mouths have got you back in the old swivel chair...

joe said...

Wow, Hilly dead. (since 2007!) Thanks for the head's up. I don't know how I missed that. I live a 5 minute walk from CBs. He outlived the club by less than a year.
But the guy in the pic still looks like him.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

rain in the rural neighborhood too.
my bike has fenders.
but how do i crawl underneath them to keep the rain off?
Cause in a continuous hard downpour, no matter how much fenderage there is, and no matter how much raingear one is wearing...I get totally soaked.

bikesgonewild said...

...that 'canadian tire' commercial was, sniff, my life growing up...

...well, except for the part about the prairies, sniffle, wipe, or on a farm even...i grew up in northern ontario's 'bush country'...

...oh, ya & the part about wanting a canadian tire one-speed wasn't me either 'cuz i wanted a bike with gears...& unlike that kid, i didn't hesitate to ask my father for one...

...& he didn't hesitate to say no, so there was no happy nostalgic "here son, you've earned this" 'cuz, well, i was a lazy, slovenly kid...

...but there was a happy ending (besides all the 'happy endings' i gave myself as a kid) 'cuz i set out to win a bike & darned if i didn't do just that...an awesome raleigh with a 3 speed sturmy archer drivetrain...

...so i guess that commercial was nothing like my life as a kid except the 'canada' part...

...so how come that commercial brought a tear to my eye ???...

grog said...

FUNK WHIZ
SEBE JEBE
HILL YRIP
RIDE NICE
DING DING

Tyler's Chi said...

If Tyler Hamilton, George Hincappe, Frankie Andreu and Lance Armstrong have a small penis contest. Who wins?



ANSWER: The guy who, over a period of years consumed the fewest HGH/The Clear/gorilla testosterone soy protein shakes.

dovestrobe said...

What did the impotent cyclist say to the gooey, sweaty, female bicycle racer?
Answer: I only have eyes for you!!!

Doug said...

New rating system for BSNYC. More laughs/chuckles for the post or the comments? Today the post won, but not by much.

leroy said...

Tough quiz. Hope it's graded on a curve.

Ride safe all!

And remember, only a Luddite would rage against a Wildcat Rock Machine.

(Is there one d or two in Luddite? My dog put peanut butter in the gears of the device that checks that sort of thing.)

Anonymous said...

Hope those Knog Boomers aren't turning themselves in all the time like mine does.

Stranded said...

Anybody who even knows what CBGB was is old. I know, cuz I do, and I am. Which means I've had plenty of time to grow beard hair to patch my crabon fribe bike.

RudeGirl said...

I believe that I might have been the one who elbowed you in the groin at Token Entry, for stepping too many times on my toes during "Antidote". Don't let the former patron of CBGBs get you down Bike Snob. He's the Keeper of the Culture in this world of Metrocards and fixies. As are you. How else will the hipsters know that Astoria once ruled over Williamsburg?

Anonymous said...

I saw Token Entry when they were still Gilligan's Revenge. NYHC!

Anonymous said...

Answer: I only have eyes for goo!

Anonymous said...

Read your blog all the time, never commented and this isn't about your post, as a local Brooklynite and semi- neighborhood affiliate ( I'm in Kensington) please update and comment on the bike accident near Vanderbilt park where a woman was hit by a biker, she's in ICU with brain injury- all local list-servs on fire with calls to limit bike training sessions and banning "those spandex guys"

1984 Ford Ranger AC Compressor said...

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Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZDMLQM2Ps4&feature=related

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZDMLQM2Ps4

Biker said...

Nice article. Wish I cycled more around London personally, but the traffic (and drivers) make it more risky for cyclists than it needs to be.

James said...

here's a VERY smug CETMA rack for you:

http://cetmacargo.com/CETMA%20Racks%20Gallery/images/nick_in_mass__2.jpg

Anonymous said...

my Levi's already work as bike trousers. And a mini u-lock fits in the back pocket pretty-as-you-please.

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Anonymous said...

Knogs is for fashion victims, plus it's a fascist Australian company, so they're a no-go.

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