Wednesday, February 16, 2011

In Denial: Living the Dream

(Irony.)

For what seems like thousands of years now, New York City has been a frigid perdition of white. Buffeted by a barrage of blizzards and ticket blitzes (as opposed to ticket blintzes, which are delicious) cycling life here has been as miserable as it has been alliterative. In fact, it's been so miserable that for the last few weeks I've had one of those new Mission Workshop designer hobo's bindles propped up next to my front door, and I have been waiting for that final straw that will send my bindle, my €20,000 fixie, and me permanently decamping for the secure paradise on Earth that is Beaverton, OR.

But then, a meh-racle! Suddenly, the snows did cease, and the temperatures did rise, and now the forecast now looks like this:

Sure, Monday the 21st looks kind of crappy, but as you can see things improve once again the following day:

This has transformed my bindle of despair into a man-purse of joy. In fact, like an overzealous groundhog or a hapless Cat 4 who misreads the lap cards and celebrates victory with five more to go, and even though we'll almost certainly get "Hot Karled" again by more foul weather soon, for my own mental health I've decided that it's already spring and Lob damn it I'm behaving accordingly:



Some people may need loud guitar noise produced by people with beards to get excited, but I find it's Lou Rawls who really makes me want to tear winter a new ****. Really "feeling" the multimedia presentation of that video, too:

That pussy's like, "Fuck winter."

Of course, now that it's spring and the streets are largely free of snowdrifts and members of the citizenry huddled in the slit bellies of stray pitbulls in a desperate attempt to stay warm, that means I can once again ride a bicycle with skinny tires. Therefore, I decided to treat myself to a brand-new road bike complete with all the features and buzzwords of today--that means things like crabon, and BB30, and ceramics. So I did what the pros do when they need new bikes, which is visit Craigslist. "Spare no expense and gimme the best you got!," I told my indifferent desk lamp since there was nobody else to talk to. Finally, I found what I was looking for:


It had everything:

One thing confused me though: When exactly did road bike cockpits get all gigantic? And why are the bars so high? Is this what Rivendells will look like in the year 2160 when Grant Petersen a cyborg?

This would not do. What's the point of all that delightful ceramic and crabon gewgawgery if you're going to ride it sitting bolt-upright with your arms stretched out in front of you like you're some Fred-tastic puppeteer or an old-timey sleepwalker?


Anyway, I asked my desk lamp if I should still buy it and I interpreted its complete lack of any response as an emphatic "No," and so I ultimately decided to stick with my own bike. Instead, I'd spend the money I saved on an "epic," like the Rapha ones I'd seen on the Internet--you know, the kind of ride that's so long and intense you've got to stop once in awhile and stare pensively at your "bidon," like this:

On group rides everywhere roadies speak in hushed tones about a rider so transcendently Fredly that he can will Cytomax from the bottle to his lips simply by staring at the nozzle through his precision optics. This is that Fred:

Next, I set about choosing a destination for my "epic," and I ultimately decided on Baffin Island, mostly because it has a mountain on it called Mount Odin, and really, what could be more "epic" than climbing Mount Odin?

(With a compact crank this climb should not pose much difficulty.)

Also, Iqaluit is widely known as the Portland of Nunavut, and I figured it would be a good place to stop and take pictures of myself insouciantly "enjoying" an espresso in a café in the gentrified part of town:

Unfortunately, though, two things forced me to abandon my plans. Firstly, it turns out that, even though companies like Best Made Co. and Base Camp X will sell you designer axes and $1,300 fire pits, they will not as of yet sell you an artisanal seal club. (I had no intention of actually clubbing any seals, but I figured if I was going to "make the scene" in Iqaluit I should at least look the part.)

Secondly, I consulted a popular search engine for cycling directions to Baffin Island and the thing came up bubkes:

So there goes that.

Speaking of Best Made Co., you'll no doubt be excited to learn that they are hiring! There's only one problem, though, which is that they won't pay you:

Nevertheless, despite the lack of compensation, apparently their employees never want to leave:

Our internships are un-paid but are flexible and stimulating, so much so that we often find most of our interns never want to leave.

I guess if you're a liberal arts graduate with an ample trust fund then dealing with tedious matters like depositing paychecks and filing an income tax return are really little more than inconveniences anyway. (Not to mention more work for daddy's accountants.) Incidentally, you'll note in the above photo that Taylor the Unpaid Intern is making a rope ladder:


I'm sure you can climb that with total confidence, though I wonder if it will be offered for sale or if Taylor will keep it and use it to climb down from the roof of her parents' Hamptons home this summer after sneaking an American Spirit.

Also, speaking of abandoning "epic" cycling plans, Lance Armstrong has announced that he is retiring:

Honestly, this announcement seems entirely gratuitous--it's like Larry King announcing that he's old. I thought everybody already knew Armstrong was retiring after the Tour Down Under, and the only logical explanation I can come up with that he didn't like getting upstaged by Hosni Mubarak. In any case, now that he's re-re-retired, maybe he can spend more time puttering around in the garage, like in this video sent to me by my associate at rubbery light concern Knog:



Lastly, a reader in San Francisco has sent me this photo of a bicycle u-locked to a garbage can:

I think that's how messengers announce they're retiring.

99 comments:

samh said...

I am but a lowly shill.

Diego said...

Kinda sorta number one-ish!

Anonymous said...

podes!

oldentard said...

The view is great up here.

Diego said...

kinda...

theEel said...

topteneel!

Tim said...

...by the podium

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

top 10

Anonymous said...

top 10 again for huggy

Anonymous said...

10?

ken e. said...

eleven

mikeweb said...

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!!

le Correcteur said...

Shit! I read it; if I hadn't I'd have been top 10!

Kenny Banya said...

"Honestly, this announcement seems entirely gratuitous--it's like Larry King announcing that he's old,"

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

OBA said...

Marcia Kramer ate my baby again!

Kenny Banya said...

SAMH GOLD

CommieCanuck said...

I'm sure that's how Bernie Madoff explains things to his friends, "I'm not going to prison for massive fraud, ... I'm retiring".

Thankfully, Lance's foundation work to promote awareness and excellence in achievement will continue.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

BENT BOOB

hillbilly said...

Man, how can Marsha even file a report over that totally epic traffic?

CommieCanuck said...

Wow. I too went on a bike tour of Baffin Island and realized I was really in Bubkes. Damn Google, next summer, back to Dildo, Newfoundland.
Ah, dildo by the sea.

Me said...

Djamolidine Abdoujaparov is most doisappointed at his lack of top end speed.

mikeweb said...

Quote of the day:

Honestly, this announcement seems entirely gratuitous--it's like Larry King announcing that he's old.

OBA said...

I get the clever Taunton reference & all, but the line about pit bulls was gratuitous and just kinda made me want to punch you in the face really hard for writing it.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford got ill in NYC. Snob, you should apologize.

John said...

Sooo... $300 for an axe, and the labor is free. I don't even get the smug satisfaction of knowing that I'm helping some schlub earn a living wage and benefits.

Anonymous said...

I like a little alliteration.....

What's that leather-covered bike all about? Tosspots.

hey nonny mouse

mikeweb said...

What the hell is wrong with the Beaverton P.D.?!? I mean, not even one officer on the their bicycle squad is morbidly obese! What gives?!

Nice job samh!

g said...

I, for one, would like to see less of the nekkid 'bent rider. Having found out that a face full of semen is not the correct way to wish a loved one a happy valentine's day only a little too late, I have sworn off porn. This does not help.

Etherhuffer said...

Ummmmm! Warm pit bull innards....

Anonymous said...

What is a designer hobo?

I've had one of those new
Mission Workshop designer
hobo's bindles propped

Twistyface said...

That $20,000 fixie is douche-tastic!

Keep your eyes peeled for the recumbent version, coming soon!

Anonymous said...

Wow did you notice the massive size of the rope ladder prototype holding pencils!!!

streepo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

Commie,

So I see Dildo is next door to Reid's Room, up the road from South Dildo and across the bay from Spread Eagle.

I'm regretting that I didn't attend the regional high school there.

Marcel Da Chump said...

You're right, Snob; that was kinda how I announced my retirement.

streepo said...

Seriously, women don't like semen on their faces at the end of the first date?

old hipster said...

We want to believe that there was some serene period when recreation and amateur sports weren't absurd, but that might not be true.

Getting dressed up funny, doing things for fun that other people have to do for work, and taking pictures of yourself doing it (or having a painting made), have quite a history.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

samh said...

You poor Canadians and your town names. Then again, it could be worse. You could be referred to as the "sanitary napkin of the North Pole", or some such other nicety like the Snob places upon us down here in 'Merica.

xyxax said...

Do you want to have a setback seatpost and the saddle pushed all the way forward?

grouch said...

Just so you know, I'm retiring.

Anonymous said...

CC and Mikeweb,

When you get done touring in Dildo, you might visit her sister city, Penile,KY. Actually, it's just a wide spot in the road, as we say down here. I don't know how to do the link-thingy, but you can search for it with your favorite popular search engine mapping service.

Martin Erzinger said...

I am glad I now have a place to do my community service.

Painting wooden dowl rods is my life goal, I bet they are not cheap.

I bet we could use those dowl rods as handlebars for fixies in a pinch.

Indy Falconheads said...

".......man purse of joy"

Thanks for the laugh Snob!

mikeweb said...

Anon 1:23,

Thanks for the tip! I have some experience in penile KY, but none in Penile, KY.

By the way, I hear through the grapevine that women in Spread Eagle actually don't put out, oddly enough.

Anonymous said...

Actually I used to lock up to trashcans all the time back when I was a messenger... What's wrong with it?

Anonymous said...

Would someone please fire bomb BestMade Co. and put me out of my misery?!

The King of Park Slope said...

It's a 97.

crosspalms said...

Similar weather in Chicago, snob, except for the "light wintry mix" (which I think is actually a bagged salad) and the summery recumbent lass. Sad; I'm sure the city would welcome her with open arms. Still, today was the first time in 2 weeks I've been taller than the snow piles.

Barry Muzzen said...

Enough of this sunday stroll!
Let`s hurt a little bit

Dark Green said...

BEAVERTRON

Onan-o-Mouth said...

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssee what I mean?

Anonymous said...

I second the motion of g, but for other reasons. There has to be a better shot of a nude on a 'bent. This one's a wee bit scary, all Yoko Ono like...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Streepo,
Only if it's Cipo semen. And that's coming from Cipo himself.

Anonymous said...

If anyone feels like being a bastard, that internship at 'Best Made' is illegal under the Fair Labor Standards Act. They could be reported to the Federal and NY Department of Labor.

If you don't think that would be funny, then you and I have nothing in common.

Anonymous said...

It's called a "bindle-stiff."

crosspalms said...

Larry "the human fig leaf" King never gets old.

Anonymous said...

the video was pretty amusing. don't hate on lance retiring, again. he is the 7 time tdf winner after all.

CommieCanuck said...

Seriously, women don't like semen on their faces at the end of the first date?

They do in South Dildo or Spread Eagle.

CommieCanuck said...

When you get done touring in Dildo, you might visit her sister city, Penile,KY.

The founders of Penile, KY used to live near Athol, NY, but were too nervous about it.

Isn't history great?

CommieCanuck said...

Anonymous said...

the video was pretty amusing. don't hate on lance retiring, again. he is the 7 time tdf winner after all.

You forgot the *.

Katy said...

Regarding the SF garbage-can-hipster-high-lock bike: I want that BASKET! Imagine all that you can portage with those bungees.

Katy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CommieCanuck said...

I'd like to announce that I'm retiring from being able to score with hot young chicks.

dcee604 said...

Now what are those temperatures in Celcius for us Canadian readers?

Jasper said...

Man, that designer hobo is so much nicer to look at than either of those pug-ugly bikes.

crosspalms said...

You might be on to something with the Rivendell-in-2160 remark. The zip tie next to the computer on the bar is a distinctly Petersonian touch for such a Cardassian bike.

Test Tickle said...

as to yesterday's post:

JUIC EBOX

as to today's post:

RADV IDEO

balls.

leroy said...

Oh now they did it.

All this bike lane backlash caused Mr. Armstrong to retire again.

Happy now Marcia Kramer?

AYHSL'sB(singular).

Dildo Lake said...

"... when Grant Petersen a cyborg?"
Verb me, RTMS!

Athol, MA has more tools than Athol, NY, by the way.

Fred said...

Yeah, Freds have super-powers. For example, I can:
1. Cause things to snort derisively and leave just by looking at them.
2. Ride in the same pair of ragg wool socks for 13.5 years.
3. Track stand for several milliseconds. Yeah, you read that right, several.
4. warm frost-bitten appendages using only my beard
5. Install a triple on any modern road-bike with only 1.6 million posts to bikeforums.

Oh yeah.

Anonymous said...

There is a Mount Odin near where I'm from in British Columbia. If that isn't epic enough for you, it is right next to Mount Thor!

I Go Around and Around said...

My soul is completely unqualified. I need not apply.

The Crooklyn Douch Werken said...

Virgin Water Buffalo Douche' Bags

Your choice of colors that I choose.


Starting at just $27,250

campbell fdy said...

Completely over dramatic sunset on west side today. Full moon over the wburg. Beautiful commute. Some dick on moped w/o pedals passes me I catch him at top. Nys plate #16CE30 on back of whitehard pack. Are these jetskis supposed to be tolerated? Help me out

Terre Haute Karl said...

Just went back and watched the "know nothing about bikes" video. was there supposed to be a point to that?

wle said...

hey!

i lock to a garbage can if i have to

but instead of a Ulock i use a
$1 cable lock from the dollar store

and i usually low-lock

no need for double pretentiousness

wle

A. Contador said...

Dr. Ferarri,

What happened to my penis? The pee comes out but there is no penis? Where is my penis?

Anonymous said...

Isn't it time to make fun of Ev Bogue again?

Anonymous said...

The kid in the Lance photo is classic. He has that look like Lance dropped something. "Hey Mr. Armstrong, this shot fell out of your ass" "You may need it later"

gregorio said...

What is with Mr. Rapha's giant (bont?) shoes? They look to be at least 4 sizes too large:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nSGcEFMKiYw/TVv8Y69tThI/AAAAAAAATDA/4Zp5Volujwc/s1600/rapha-4.jpeg

mary Westmacott said...

Thanks for the info, posts like these are really good for keeping us in the picture, I come from florida originally and can understand what Lance is on about and I Pete is right on the nail with the current attitudes of most of the population these days. Keep on with the Biking Boys !

Dr. Ferrari said...

Alberto,

This is what we, in the nonnutitional performance enhancement aid field call the 'Compact Crank' syndrome.

Spence said...

Yeah, you got em all dancin' to your tune now, but when the other shoe drops on your head, I want to be there to see it!!! Signed Jealous

Anonymous said...

ahahaha just riding skinny tires now? It helps if you happen to know how to ride one of these bicycle things. Of course this is the sort of attitude we see from East-coasters.

with much love and adoration,
Minnesota

Anonymous said...

Panties!
These pretzels are not making me thirsty.

Anonymous said...

Snob, I hate to break the news, but your new bike does not have everything. The good people at Srampognolo are currently developing the mental-telepathy shifter, which will put your bike in whatever gear you concentrate on hard enough, with no physical connection between rider and cog. If you concentrate hard on the wrong thing, like naked recumbent weather girls, your bike morphs into a single-speed with flip-flop hub and fat tires.

juheesus! said...

Snob,

That CL bike you posted is another OEM frame from somewhere in Asia. The tip-off is the ridiculous angular shapes and braided carbon fiber.

The only 'building' going on is the guy is assembling bikes. Retail price of $7495 eh? Make it $20,000. It is just as ridiculous a number.

Anonymous said...

Obviously, Lance is planning to do a Favre and re-come out of retirement. But to be an over-the-hill drama queen effectively, you need to make sure the maximum number of people know you're in retirement before coming out of it. Hence gratuitous announcements.

Abacus said...

Anyone else notice the rope ladder is propped up on a packet of cigarettes?

Anonymous said...

whose David Burn?

Latest Technology Updates said...

Thanks a lot for this posting .
It's very good post for all youngest
whose use bicycle bike.

Anonymous said...

Twat and doopidoo

網站設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

Anonymous said...

My internship was paid and I've never been to the Hamptons. - Taylor

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