BSNYC Friday High-Energy Indoor Spin Class! Get Psyched and Feel the Burn!!!

As everybody knows, this past week there has been much ado over the recent Sports Illustrated article containing the latest doping allegations against the only professional cyclist your co-workers have ever heard of (even if you happen to work at Sports Illustrated), Lance Armstrong. Reactions in the world of cyclesport have varied widely: Armstrong's detractors are saying, "Finally;" Armstrong himself is saying he will be vindicated; and the Schleck brothers are saying "LAY-oh-pard, LAY-oh-pard" over and over again while staring at themselves in the mirror. However, for thoughtful, rational, and even-handed analysis of the controversy, you won't find anything that can approach this sagacious video editorial:

There you have it--everybody who rides a bike is on crack. Presumably "The Real Mr. Nikbag a.k.a. Blogaholic" will repeat these stunning revelations when Jeff Novitzky calls him to testify in front of the grand jury.

Speaking of professional cyclists, a reader recently forwarded me a promotional email from Bicycling which promised to reveal their secrets, and the accompanying imagery featured none other than the omnipresent time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork:

After decades of publishing feature articles about professional cyclists and reviewing state-of-the-art crabon fribé bicycles, I find it fascinating that Bicycling opted not to dip into their presumably vast photographic archives and instead chose to use the retro-Fred as the embodiment of a pro cyclist with an awesome training secret. As the new embodiment of roadie-chic and possibly the most in-demand cycling model working today, I am sure the retro-Fred is relishing his sudden fame. In fact, I hear he's even dating the bicycle accident victim model from the Reeves Law Group website, which was forwarded to me by a reader:


Move over Liz Hatch, and make way for cycling's hot new female sex symbol:

By the way, if you think her position looks less like she crashed and more like she's napping, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that cycling-induced narcolepsy is no laughing matter, and that it can strike suddenly and without warning. In fact, not only can it cause accidents, but it can also be triggered by recollections of the accident, as you can see from the transcript of her subsequent live chat:

Uncanny how she landed right on the "Z" key like that.

Speaking of unfortunate cycling accidents, by now everyone's seen the various promotional videos for that new IFC series "Portlandia," but this one is by far the best:



If you ever find yourself in this situation, be sure to contact the Reeves Law Group and see if you have a case against your body piercer.

With that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then that's fan-freaking-tacular, and if you're wrong then you'll see a really fast wiener dog.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always remember to ask a dachshund's permission before drafting behind it. Nobody likes an unannounced wienersucker.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) Floyd Landis says doping should be:

--Legal

--Mandatory

--Illegal

--Acceptable, provided it is applied taintally

2) "All You Bike Dorks Buy Our Cars!" Which car company is exploring the smugly condescending world of bicycle-friendly advertising?

--Hyundai
--Kia
--BMW

--Toyota

3) What "advice" does this comedian have for cyclists?

--"Don't you see me? In my car? The thing that will rupture your spleen if I tap you with it?"
--"If I lose my temper, we're looking at involuntary manslaughter."
--"Get a hundred bucks a month together and lease a Honda. If you can't do that maybe you should move to Ho Chi Minh City."
--All of the above

(Urban explorer discovers an unknown Starbucks completely unspoiled by civilization)

4) It's Outlier! It's red! It's made out of a secret fabric from WWII! It's _____!

--Acid-repellent

--Lined with chinchilla fur

--$650

--Delicious

5) This is a still from:

--A promotional video for Quoc Pham cycling shoes

--The upcoming live-action "Where's Waldo?" feature film

--A artistic short film entitled "Mustaches in Motion"

--The new IFC comedy series "Portlandia" starring Fred Armisen

6) Knuckle tattoos are out. _________tattoos are in.

--Nostril

--Scroto-labial

--Inner lip

--Eyeball

(Coming soon to a Walmart near you?)

7) "NOBR AKES" is out. "ANTI LOCK" brakes are in.

--True

--False

***Special Cultural-Differences-In-Physical-Beauty-Themed Bonus Question***

(The Meh-na Lisa)

Which is a prized physical attribute among Williamsburg hipsters?

--An "avian face"

--A "porcine derriere"

--A "simian brow"

--A "hirsute bust"