Friday, January 21, 2011

BSNYC Friday High-Energy Indoor Spin Class! Get Psyched and Feel the Burn!!!

As everybody knows, this past week there has been much ado over the recent Sports Illustrated article containing the latest doping allegations against the only professional cyclist your co-workers have ever heard of (even if you happen to work at Sports Illustrated), Lance Armstrong. Reactions in the world of cyclesport have varied widely: Armstrong's detractors are saying, "Finally;" Armstrong himself is saying he will be vindicated; and the Schleck brothers are saying "LAY-oh-pard, LAY-oh-pard" over and over again while staring at themselves in the mirror. However, for thoughtful, rational, and even-handed analysis of the controversy, you won't find anything that can approach this sagacious video editorial:



There you have it--everybody who rides a bike is on crack. Presumably "The Real Mr. Nikbag a.k.a. Blogaholic" will repeat these stunning revelations when Jeff Novitzky calls him to testify in front of the grand jury.

Speaking of professional cyclists, a reader recently forwarded me a promotional email from Bicycling which promised to reveal their secrets, and the accompanying imagery featured none other than the omnipresent time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork:

After decades of publishing feature articles about professional cyclists and reviewing state-of-the-art crabon fribé bicycles, I find it fascinating that Bicycling opted not to dip into their presumably vast photographic archives and instead chose to use the retro-Fred as the embodiment of a pro cyclist with an awesome training secret. As the new embodiment of roadie-chic and possibly the most in-demand cycling model working today, I am sure the retro-Fred is relishing his sudden fame. In fact, I hear he's even dating the bicycle accident victim model from the Reeves Law Group website, which was forwarded to me by a reader:


Move over Liz Hatch, and make way for cycling's hot new female sex symbol:

By the way, if you think her position looks less like she crashed and more like she's napping, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that cycling-induced narcolepsy is no laughing matter, and that it can strike suddenly and without warning. In fact, not only can it cause accidents, but it can also be triggered by recollections of the accident, as you can see from the transcript of her subsequent live chat:

Uncanny how she landed right on the "Z" key like that.

Speaking of unfortunate cycling accidents, by now everyone's seen the various promotional videos for that new IFC series "Portlandia," but this one is by far the best:



If you ever find yourself in this situation, be sure to contact the Reeves Law Group and see if you have a case against your body piercer.

With that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then that's fan-freaking-tacular, and if you're wrong then you'll see a really fast wiener dog.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always remember to ask a dachshund's permission before drafting behind it. Nobody likes an unannounced wienersucker.

--BSNYC/RTMS




1) Floyd Landis says doping should be:




2) "All You Bike Dorks Buy Our Cars!" Which car company is exploring the smugly condescending world of bicycle-friendly advertising?




(Urban explorer discovers an unknown Starbucks completely unspoiled by civilization)

4) It's Outlier! It's red! It's made out of a secret fabric from WWII! It's _____!





5) This is a still from:

6) Knuckle tattoos are out. _________tattoos are in.





(Coming soon to a Walmart near you?)

7) "NOBR AKES" is out. "ANTI LOCK" brakes are in.



***Special Cultural-Differences-In-Physical-Beauty-Themed Bonus Question***


(The Meh-na Lisa)

Which is a prized physical attribute among Williamsburg hipsters?


90 comments:

Anonymous said...

::Breakdances::

Anonymous said...

To CNC Music Factory

Anonymous said...

EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!!

Top said...

stov top!

Anonymous said...

http://ow.ly/3xI1J For Life.

mikeweb said...

Alaska is for adventure. And also for dim-witted governors.

ringcycles said...

Quiz Time!

I am the stupid engine said...

Meh Lisa, Priceless

Anonymous said...

SCRAAAAPPERRRR BIKE

Anonymous said...

+1 Retro Fred looking forward to Portlandia debut.

mikeweb said...

Wow, in that weiner dog viddy, it seems like the guy has the camera embedded right into his sternum.

Maybe he's actually Tony Stark.

crosspalms said...

I got to watch Mr. Whiskey a lot on that quiz...
Long live Fred Armisen!

JahKnow said...

top 10

cl said...

Top 15?

Better than top 20 I suppose

Drivetrain Verlaine said...

Brooks saddle
Slowing
Me
Down

mikeweb said...

That Kia commercial is pretty cool, although they're eliminating the possibility that Martin Erzinger, Tony Kornheiser or that Toronto mayor-guy will ever consider buying one.

ringcycles said...

Wow; 4/7 but I got the bonus.

That is one fast dashing daschund.

Still, is "avian face" a prosaic way to say she has a notable beak?

Anonymous said...

Not having cable, I was completely unaware of Portlandia until I caught the first episode on hulu last weekend. Did they take it down already?

"We started with bikes"...If you have to digitally edit out all the other cars from your add and digitally add in a bunch of bikes...uhmm...I 'll be sure to not buy your car first after your ad reminded me how much more I enjoy biking.

Anonymous said...

I thought it was pronounced sport-idge but now I also discover I'm also lacing my shoes incorrectly.

Buffalo Bill said...

Mr. Whiskey is fast,but I didn't see Johnny do anything special on his trick bike.

That's just the drugs talkin' yo.

Charles said...

AVIA NFCE

g said...

Gone a week and a half and I can't even break the top 20! Damn.

Anonymous said...

Hey, you don't think that Bicycling using the uber Fred image has anything at all to do with you writing for them, thereby making them more hip while riding your coat tails towards obsolescence?

xyxax said...

Shouldn't that be Myna Lisa?

Anonymous said...

Ticket Me Elmo:

On the West Coast, fixies are out. And it's old news, but the movement is towards cyclocross bikes. I'm not if that goes as far as racing, but I hope not.

mikeweb said...

Does that Quoc Pham logo, without the outer circle remind anybody of something, or is it just me?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Kenny Banya said...

I'm glad the knuk tats guy split his fingers like that, I would have thought it said NOB RAKES.

Anonymous said...

Snob, you're such a pussy. What's YOUR opinion of the SI article?

g said...

Holy Crap! It takes 10 separate steps to tie your shoes?! No wonder my nephew doesn't bother.

Super FAIL on the quiz this week too.

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I am the "omnipresent time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred". Do not disparage my planet by snidely referring to it as "Tridork". It's proper name is Nü-Fred-Land.

BTW: That video could not have been shot in Portland or Portlandia since everyone knows it rains 24x7x365 in Oregon.

Weird wooly cloud-like thing said...

My anus is bleeding.

Bob said...

The car ad question is a trick - or am I the only person that's noticed the BMW SUV commercial where a road cyclist waves at the happy family as they pass by?

Yeah I know, unpossible. Road cyclists wave at no one. But it's in the commercial. And don't forget, Joy Wants You To Have It All.

Anonymous said...

oooh, find us some more secret 1940s technology kept alive only because of the smartest and most hardcore people demand it from reclusive artisans who have passed the secretive trade of production from artisan to artisan in secret Asian temples hidden far, far away in the foothills of the Himalayan mountains.

Bob said...

Right here - at about 0:20

Bob said...

Ah crap here at 0:20 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt66-2ix43k&feature=related

Anonymous said...

Not sure which was worse, the (fat) comedian's terrible jokes and delivery, or the fact that people were actually laughing at them. Also, that would be voluntary manslaughter there pudgy.

Anonymous said...

Voluntary? Prove it, vegan.

Comment deleted said...

Nice sentiment KIA. Unfortunately, the Frottage is a perfect example of the current trend toward self-loathing SUV design -- that hunched-shoulder look, like a tall guy trying to look shorter, doesn't fool anyone -- it's still a fooking land yacht.

Anonymous said...

mikeweb 12:58 PM
yes, and it's uncut, the way nature intended

bsnyc,
i see a product development opportunity: fixed-gear shoe polish, extra-waxy to repel road grime, and an organic scottish wool q-tip for precison application; get into the market before the demand is saturated!

Anonymous said...

bet out of my way commenters! bicycle rights!

samh said...

You're asshole druggies. The whole lot 'a ya!

BikeSnobNYC said...

12:59pm,

If you want to read people geeking out over doping scandals, there are way better sources for that than this blog. I'm really only interested in comic fallout.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

That 'comedian' was totally unfunny. I mean, that Portlandia clip is a hilarious send-up of the same people that stand-up turd was trying to make fun of.... except it's smart and witty and doesn't stoop to tired hack jokes and witless put-downs. But the Stand-Up Turd just gets his jokes from the lowest, cheapest bin of cliches. That guy is a total ass. I hope next time he tries those 'jokes' people boo him. Not because what he's saying is dim-witted, wrong, and encourages violence, but because IT'S NOT FUNNY. The Stan-Up Turd doesn't have one funny bone in that doughy body of his. He should try to ride up a meager incline with Tony Kornheiser. We could mementarily stoopmto their level and root for who gets the first heart attack.

Anonymous said...

That wiener dog is the best mountain biker I've seen in a long time...

mikeweb said...

Coincidentally, that Quoc Pham logo is a great descriptor of the pudgy comedian, though he probably needs one of those magnifying make-up mirrors to see his own.

RANTWICK said...

So you saw the Kia video! Thanks for featuring it in your quiz... I don't know what to think of that thing.

grog said...

Riding sober you not normal.
Next up: foreskin tat.
Thankfully the editor removed the scene of weinerdog being runover by camerabiker.
FUNK WHIZ

Martin Erzinger said...

"I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that cycling-induced narcolepsy is no laughing matter, and that it can strike suddenly and without warning."

Just seeing a cyclist makes me GO pass out.
Thanks snob, I need you on my defense team for my civil law suit.

Since you are a cycling expert, and also famous published author, the professional fee should be handsome.

Anonymous said...

24x7x365=61320

better yet, let us account for leap years

24x7x365.25=61362

now... is that better?

Anonymous said...

"what facebook friends do we have in common?"

Jesus fucking Christ...

g-roc said...

Kyle McLaughlin was the highlight of that video. "I dig that tribal look." LMMFAO!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Avian face!? Don't hipsters know you're supposed to say nice things to a lady? Not campare her to a bird. Are they
onto some hip mating ritual?

streepo said...

Wouldn't it be 24X7X52?

Playa said...

Unannounced wiener suckers are nice to wake up to.

gator joe said...

Un-fucking-believable. That video analysis makes me not only want to leave NYC, it makes want to leave the planet. And fuckers like that are allowed to vote.

Steve Crack Hed said...

Duh, why would you ride a bike sober?

Yknow what I`m sane? 5-7 days around

France and all like that aint normal

I hope Lans Omstrong is on drugs

Cause iffy aint I don`t know man

¨--Piece, blogoholistic booty peeler

Anonymous said...

No Brakes? Ah, at first glance I thought it said "no brains". Bonus points for post-NYHC screamo belt. Life's all about keepin' it real man, or until that trust-fund runs dry (even PBR get's expensive after a few years). And yes, I will take that as a combo meal, dude...

bikesgonewild said...

...while i certainly understand the essence of comedy & admit to having a wicked & dark sense of humor myself, poking fun @ situations where others end up dying, being seriously hurt &/or maimed for life doesn't really seem all that "funny" to me...

...the opening joke "...in the last 5 to 7 years, people that ride bikes...have given themselves a license to be an asshole"...okay, that's actually kinda funny when you think about it...

...beyond that, the material, while derogatory (i can live with that) incites negativity towards cyclists...

...that ain't healthy...any way you look at it...

crosspalms said...

streepo,
if you can ride a 7x52 my hat's off to you. even a 24x52 would make me tired. Oh, wait, you mean...
never mind

OBA said...

The weiner dog is doping. And EPO killed Tugboat. Michael Ball told me so.

Drivetrain Verlaine said...

Yeah MikeWebb, that logo w/o the outer circle has a not so subliminal genetalia thing working, but inclusive of the circle it resembles a sinister Oliver Hardy.

Anonymous said...

They see me rollin' they hatin' controlling they try to catch me ridin' dirty.
Look at him he's riding dirrrtyy.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

RIDN DRTY

-P.P.

leroy said...

I thought avian face was a polite way of referring to a neck waddle.

Ride safe all and stay warm!

Marcel Da Chump said...

The Reeves Law firm accident victim crashed on a Nishiki. I took a nice tumble on a Nishiki. Now I'm reconsidering getting that Gan Well Pro; there might be a curse on Japanese bikes.

Anonymous said...

tom@tomsegura.com

the "bicyclists are assholes" guy

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

BikeSnobNYC @ 1:34

-Well said.

Some Guy in the Innernets said...

He's no Opinionated Cyclist by any stretch, but that Blogaholic guy is pretty funny. He has the repetition figured out. Makes him seem just a tad more demented than a straight rant would.

Og LoneWolf said...

CRACKHEADS!

Jean-Paul Sastre said...

Still haven't got over that "no friendly puppets" line from yesterday's post. It may have put me in an existential funk, which is nice; so I got that going for me.

Dr. Feel Excitatory said...

The guy in the video who states that every adult who rides a bike is doing crack or other drugs has obviously never heard of the excitatory neurotransmitters. Dopamine. Endorphins. THE GOOD STUFF!


POT IS NOT A DRUG. POT IS AN HERB.

alex said...

avian face. sounds aero.

Thesis Writing said...

Its great to see that people are sharing quite profitable information with each other and now we can move our selves to a new era.

ce said...

As usual I’m drafting along behind the other comments without permission - the unannounced blogsucker.

I did find Tom the funny fat man to be quite funny (and indeed fat). Nevertheless it is a worry that anyone else would. People are too dumb to be allowed to find that funny. The only good news is that humour is outlawed in most of our communist safe havens.

Meh said...

The main problem with the QP shoes is that you apparently can't wear socks with them. None of the guys even have ankle length socks on.

Their new slogan "Wear Quoc Pham cycling shoes. Gnarly Blisters Forever. Keep it real."

Doesn't Matter Who said...

The Real Mr. Nikbag a.k.a. Blogaholic does have a valid point. In the more rural cities in the United States where there might me a dozen dedicated cyclist commuting per 100,000 people, the most commonly seen bicycle commuters are either drug addicts or a recent immigrant with a questionable citizenship status.

I know of 2 or 3 cyclist who are dedicated commuters in my city, but the people most often seen commuting in my city are those riding Walmart or Target bikes and just simply unkempt in their appearance. 40 something year old guys on cheap BMX bikes are the normal commuter cyclist around here.

Og LoneWolf said...

Can someone explain to me what the deal was with all those CRACKHEADS in that KIA video, I didn't have the sound on...

I didn't see anyone riding backwards, WTH?

crosspalms said...

Other occupations for TTTSWRFFTPTD:
Musician. He plays in the dorkestra.
Secretary. He takes dorktation.
Actor. He replaces Christian Bale in the new Batman movie, The Dork Knight Rises
Bike repairman. Uses a dork wrench.

Long bus ride gave me too much time to think, if you can call it that

monduenzoe said...

TTTSWR.......is also an artist. A member of the Avant Dork.

Conventional Wisdim said...

Fred Armisen up, Tom Segura down.

Anonymous said...

Dear douchebag "comedian" (tom@tomsegura.com)



"Don't you see me? With my U-Lock? The thing that will cave in your skull if I tap you with it?"

ken e. said...


no puppets, right neighbourhood!

Marcel Da Chump said...

many thanks for the video ken e. Got my soul back.

Anonymous said...

The actual guy with the "epic hair" who was born in Brooklyn you referenced on Wednesday in the picture of protesting cyclists in the 80's advises those whining about the NYC bicycling crackdown should "shut up and get a fake I.D. like a real New Yorker".

ken e. said...

you're welcome marcel. came across that scouring the innernets for a barry white cover of 'the look of love'.

Anonymous said...

STAR LEPPARD TREK!
Panties!

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Fixie Bikes said...

It's a good routine, you've got it to give him that.