Thursday, December 16, 2010

Merry Minimalistmas: You'll Get Nothing and Like It

(Via a reader, be sure to affix this to all your gifts this holiday season.)

While the Hanukkahpus with its eight tentacles of terror has finally been slain, Christmas looms like an amorous eggnog-soused mall Santa waiting to dry-hump us into oblivion. All over America (Canada's ruffled tuxedo shirt), the smell of mistletoe is in the air, people are slaughtering any turkeys still left alive after Thanksgiving, and lovers everywhere kiss beneath the cameltoe. (Or maybe they kiss each other on the cameltoe beneath the mistletoe, I was never quite sure how that tradition worked.) Also, the less avaricious among us perform acts of charity and goodwill, and both Fat Cyclist and Andy Hampsten would like you to know you can help someone in his fight against cancer by entering the latest Fat Cyclist contest:

By the way, if for some reason you don't know who Andy Hampsten is, he is a legend because back in 1988 he "portaged" himself and a very large pair of glasses over the Gavia pass during the Giro d'Italia:

(Cycling Fun Fact #36: Separated from his team car, Andy Hampsten was forced to kill and eat teammate Bob Roll during his brutal ascent.)

This was so epic they didn't even have to put sarcastic quotation marks around the word "epic" (though I just did, but only because I was referencing the word "epic," not because I was being sarcastic). This also ultimately netted him the overall victory, making him the first and still only American ever to win the Giro, as well as making every "traditional Fred" who puts on insulated bib tights as soon as the temperature dips below 60 degrees look like a total "woosie."

In any case, if you win the contest you get to tour either Italy or France with Andy Hampsten himself. My understanding is that you get to choose the country, and if you're unsure and/or confused because you're American and know little of the world beyond your front yard, just remember that Italy is the one with the lechers and the pasta, whereas France is the one with the race riots and the snails. (Rest assured, however that both are equally likely to be crippled by strikes during your visit.) So visit Fatty's site in order to enter, or just click this sophisticated embeddable virtual button:



Do not, however, under any circumstances, click on this:


Don't say I didn't warn you.

Speaking of holiday shopping, yesterday you may have seen the following potential Christmas gift on the Twitter feed I lazily "curate:"



This video was forwarded to me by a reader, and it is highly amusing for a number of reasons, among them:

1) The narrator has an amusingly thick Scottish accent (I had no idea the Highlands were so arid);

2) The product itself is a retractable dog leash with a handle of crabon fribé that retails for multiple hundreds of Scottish dollars;

3) The male cyclist is a complete dork whose annoyed "Oh ceen't buh-leeeve oh have to woyt for moh geeerlfreeend" face:

(Implussed and nonpatient.)

Is almost as humorous as his giddy "Oh've heeetched moh geeerlfreeend to moh saddlepost and am speeening wohldly in moh granny geeeh!" face:

(Almost as happy as his jersey is oversized.)

4) Anyone who actually tries to use the Bicyclebungee repurposed retractable dog leash on a cliffside mountain bike trail is almost certainly going to slingshot his or her riding partner to his or her death.

Ah, yes, what better way to say to your loved one, "You're baggage," than with the gift of a Bicyclebungee? I'm pretty sure any relationship that involves one partner jiggling a leash in front of the other and saying, "Wanna go for a ride?" is going to be short-lived, unless that partner is actually a dog.

Meanwhile, in Canada, at the Urbane Cyclist bike shop in Toronto (a city now governed by lunatics that's either in Canada or Scotland, my geography is hazy since I'm American), one mechanic informs me he has fashioned a truly inspiring Festivus Pole, topped by what he calls a "Nativity Crank:"

However the "Nativity Crank" does appear to be an Octalink, and those eight splines would technically make it a Menorah.

In addition to the holidays, we're also getting dangerously close to that time of year when we look back and reflect, and I'm reasonably certain that, at least as far as pro cycling goes, 2010 will live forever in history as "The Year of Tainted Meat." Obviously Alberto Contador was the most famous rider to taste of the forbidden Clenbuterol steak, but Cyclingnews now reports that yet another rider has fallen victim to the meat that dare not speak its name:


Apparently, the positive test came after a wild Mexican meat binge:

“In Mexico we ate a lot of meat..."

Sounds like the opening line from something written by William S. Burroughs.

But while dog leashes and tainted meat may make disappointing Christmas gifts, perhaps no gift is more of a let-down than what you'll get from a minimalist, which is nothing at all. (Minimalists don't believe in giving, and instead prefer to borrow your gifts for Christmas.) As it happens, I recently checked in with my favorite minimalist, the "57 things" guy, to see what he was up to this holiday season, and it turns out he's honing his worldview into something that's starting to resemble Naziism:

First, though, he'd like you to know he does what is technically referred to as "fuck-all" all day. He likes to refer to this as complete autonomy, though I like to refer to this as being single and unemployed.

However, you shouldn't take him for a "trust fund baby:"

Some people look at me and assume that someone else must be paying my bills for me. I used to look at people who live this way and assume the same thing: “He must be a trust fund baby.” I assure you, this is not the case.

My parents both work very hard for their money, and while they’ve given me more than they ever needed to, they certainly didn’t give me a trust fund that pays out every month.

In other words, he opted for semi-annual Parental Support Plan instead of the monthly one.

Soon, though, he moves onto his twisted view of humanity. Friedrich Neitzsche (who I believe was a Classics specialist in the early days of professional cycling) wrote about the "Übermensch," (or "Super Fred") which was later co-opted by the Nazis for their whole "Master Race" concept. Similarly, "57 things" guy thinks the world consists of "Drones" and "Superhumans." Here's what "Drones" are:

Drones. Have you ever walked down the street in the financial district of any major city and look around you? Hordes of people that we call worker drones for a reason. Running back and forth from their desks to get a sandwich. I know about the drone hive cluster, because for a moment I bought into that illusion and I was one of them. Once you’re in, it’s difficult and/or impossible to un-assimilate yourself.

And here's what "Superhumans" are:

Superhumans. This metaphor that I’m going to start using for people who’ve escaped the system, who live on their own terms. There are many paths to becoming a superhuman, minimalism is one of the easiest ones. Yoga is another shortcut to becoming a superhuman.

Guess which one he is?

Only the most profoundly spoiled and self-absorbed person could possibly order people along these lines. Reducing a person to a "drone" because he or she goes to work at the same time as a lot of other people is like calling someone a failure because they don't drive a nice-enough car. You'd think someone who claims to make a living off the Internet would understand that, even in 2010, a bunch of people showing up at an agreed-upon place at an agreed-upon time is what actually keeps the Internet working, and is also what creates all the Apple products he buys. Does he think that WiFi signals just emanate from your head as you do yoga, and that if you do the right pose a brand-new MacBook Pro will fall out of your ass? Apparently he does. The way you know that he is in fact a "trust fund baby" is that "trust fund babies" resent people who go to work every day, whereas real self-employed people respect them.

And what the hell does this guy have against sandwiches? It's an entirely self-contained meal that doesn't even require utensils. What's more minimalist than that?

Of course, this isn't to say that the so-called "rat race" isn't without its tribulations, which is why we all long to drop out of it at some point or another, and which is the impulse to which the "57 things" guy is pandering. But the key isn't "dropping out;" rather, it's taking pleasure in the everyday. This is why a lot of people ride their bikes to work--it can turn drudgery into fun. Sure, even that has its problems, and you might get cut off by a cab, but sometimes understanding that cabbies have their own problems can help temper your anger. In fact, so draconian has New York become for them that they can't even work in their underwear anymore:

Granted, I don't take cabs very often, but I had no idea that this was even a problem. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the opposite, since a fair number of cab drivers get their dress code from something called "The Koran," which is probably way more strict than anything the Taxi and Limousine Commission ever laid down. Then again, I suppose if I get in a cab and the driver's wearing nothing but a thong I'll be forced to eat my words--though I may throw up my sandwich.

123 comments:

Anonymous said...

pod again?

Anonymous said...

Numero Dos

Anonymous said...

second

dcee604 said...

hELLO! From Canada eh!

Anonymous said...

Top ten! No podium, though. Rats!

Anonymous said...

topteneel!

Anonymous said...

lucky no. 7. or so.

Anonymous said...

SAME TIME

Anonymous said...

top ten bitches

ringcycles said...

Snuggies for everyone!

Anonymous said...

I think you'll find that's a New Zealand
accent!

Max said...

Yoga: Triumph of the Ubermensch

crosspalms said...

Another shortcut to becoming a superhuman is canned spinach, as anyone who says "I simply am what I am" ought to know.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Max said...

Say, I wonder if that ubermensch I linked above drives a cab?

Comment deleted said...

It is reported that 57-things guy, (a.k.a. nü-Friedrich, a.k.a. 21st Century Übermensch) was born in a manger, to parents so minimalist that they didn't even have sex.

OBA said...

Super Fred Uber Alles!

crosspalms said...

But the best shortcut to anything is the Rosie Ruiz route, which is to just lie about it. That's how I got to the podium (yeah, "anonymous," sure, that's me) and why I'm a superman and it's not even lunchtime yet. Why is this making me so cranky? Maybe it IS lunchtime...

ringcycles said...

BSNYC; I'm not sure that Everett Bogue is an devotee of Nietzsche.

He seems to be more the hipster re-incarnation of Ayn Rand.

Look out for his first novel "Atlas Skidded"

Lob save us all.

WheelDancer said...

I may have to get one of those dog leashes though my pooch seems to do pretty well without one.

OBA said...

Wow, that minimalist dude has really blossomed into an Uber-douche.

Helen said...

snobalicious!

Dave said...

We were somewhere around Mexico on the edge of the desert when the Clenbuterol began to take hold

hillbilly said...

Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies.

samh said...

"And what the hell does this guy have against sandwiches? It's an entirely self-contained meal that doesn't even require utensils."

Yeah, what gives?

Anonymous said...

FOTC New Zealand

I Said Oy! said...

So that Heinz 57 guy is a superhuman now? Oy. He's sounding just like the toothless crackhead in my neighborhood about an hour after I give him $10.

Anonymous said...

So who's the schmo who's been imitating Bob Roll all this time!

gregoryyy said...

Another Christmas,no cameltoe.

(sobs quietly between faint whimpers and sighs)

rural said...

ant 2nd!
back from the wilderness.

Dave said...

A quick review of the Bicycle Bungee website seems to confirm that Anonymous at 12:16 is right about the New Zealand Accent.

Once again demonstrating the good old American hazy world view, eh Snobbie?

ringcycles said...

Cycling Fun Fact #36 is a myth. It is impossible for anyone to consume Bob Roll in a single ascent.

Stranded said...

"There are many paths to becoming a superhuman, minimalism is one of the easiest ones"? You would think that, having escaped "the system," Yogi Dufus would have time to learn to punctuate. And I can think of one more adjective to add--single, unemployed, and soon-to-be-homeless.

Norman said...

He obviously hasn't ever raised bees if he thinks a drone is a worker.

Anonymous said...

The path to Minimalism reads a lot like the script for The Matrix.

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Festivus Pole!

Perhaps the minimalist guy is trying to read Hegel's "Phänomenologie des Geistes". If not, Hegel has him pegged as the "beautiful soul" (BS), that is, one who is trying to purify himself in order to achieve complete autonomy and find one's "true" self. Alas, the minimalist guy has not reached the end of the chapter. In trying to rid himself of all outside influence the BS discovers that every means he has to describe himself comes from the outside, that is, all language. For example, the BS cannot even use the word "I" because the word itself was given to him from some other source. Either the BS falls into madness or moves onto the next stage of the evolution of mind/spirit. The next stage, if I recall correctly, involves "palping a bent" or growing a vagina. I can't remember which. Nobody gives a shit about Hegel anymore.

Doug said...

Bouge does take the best from the Nazi playbook of brainwashing..tell just enough of the truth to make his point, conveniently ignoring the rest. Reference the proverb of the blind men and the elephant. He's the blind man who thought an elephant most resembles a penis. Also reference Rupert Murdoch.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:29pm and Dave @1:12pm,

Yes, the Scottish thing was a joke, hence the link on "Scottish."

I'm ignorant, but not that ignorant.

--RTMS

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I've got nothing to add to this absurdity.

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

I can't find "Atlas Skidded" on Amazon.

Anonymous said...

mexican meat for naked lunch!!!

Isobel said...

The bicycle bungee narrator is not Scottish, she's a New Zealander and the terrain is the Port Hills in Christchurch NZ. This gorgeous territory is my back yard. Jealous yet?

TJ eckleburg said...

Good one Snobby, i like when you write funny things about jackasses.

Anonymous said...

Surely the bicycle bungee is just dragging the faster riders pace down, not the faster rider pulling the slower riders pace up?

Anonymous said...

I've spent my share of time in the the local financial district. While Ayn Rand considered the skyscraper the ultimate symbol of the will of the individual, the hive analogy always seemed more accurate to me.

That said, to reduce the millions of people who work in these buildings as "drones" is fucking offensive.

It also proves that yoga isn't a guaranteed path to enlightenment.

Uberdouche said...

Aw fuck, I'm addicted to bug spray.

Test Tickle said...

HOLY CAB!

MNML BRNS

balls.

I am the octolink engine said...

Fucking funny and brilliant.

I snorted my sandwich, and sent fragments of pimento loaf (CLEM MEAT) through my nose.

'Dont eat the meat in mexico", this is the first rule of travel in the third world.

"Lunchbreath" is the funniest cartoonist ever, I checked out every one, that is why I am very late, and was at the end of the pelloton.

I did not know the history of "zombie Bob Roll", but now it all makes sense.

"an octolink is really a menorah" Fucking brilliant.

You are superman.

one bearing short said...

SHAZAM!

49THst

Anonymous said...

Shit, I actually go to the Oakland "Yoga to the People." It's donation based, and if I see him instructing, I'm not paying.

mikeweb said...

If minimalist guy is trying to re-fashion himself into a philosopher, he's doing about a good a job as Art Laffer is as an economist.

de dux e lux said...

randian confusion axed me no lies......

Anonymous said...

From 57 douche's post:
"If you’ve been thinking about buying $1052 worth of business education for only $97, don’t wait until 9:59…"

Just another huckster.

His "ebook" income will eventually play out its 15 seconds of fame and then he'll just be homeless, using the library for free internet access. Or using his superhuman powers to provide astonishing blowjobs as a male prostitute.

Mutton Buster said...

Anon and Dave totally got taken in. Must be Drones.

New words: Getting out in the "eaayyh", staying "keenektid" and it's relatives "rekeenekt" and "diskeenekt", "peedelling", and "Teem". So adorable.

Dave said...

Snobbie, please accept my apologies. For some reason I did not hit the link.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Fatty said...

thanks for posting that contest, BSNYC; I really appreciate it.

Kenny Banya said...

"You'd think someone who claims to make a living off the Internet would understand that, even in 2010, a bunch of people showing up at an agreed-upon place at an agreed-upon time is what actually keeps the Internet working, and is also what creates all the Apple products he buys."

Gold Snobby...GOLD!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post! I scoffed, laughed and even snorted.

luciferyellow said...

I find tinsel distracting.

g-roc said...

57 must be deriving his philosophy from Kids in The Hall. I learned a long time ago that the sandwich people are the saddest people in the world. Stick that in your You Tube and smoke it.

Somewhere in the Desert said...

Snobby:
One of your best!
re: Mr 57- I say not "Ubermensch", but
Putz
or
Schmuck

Gluteus Maximus said...

POPP.

POPP.

POPP.

ALL I SMELL IS POOP.


WHAT UP WID DAT?!


SPQR

Anonymous said...

In P. G. Wodehouse novels, the "Drones Club" membership was comprised of adult (but somewhat useless) men who were living off their parents or other relatives.

crosspalms said...

Lunch: 1 sandwich, 56 fries. Perfect. Then I ate the rest of the fries. Way more perfect. Maybe even twice as perfect.

Anonymous Coward said...

You're killing me Snob, great stuff. I spent a long time trying to figure out which syllable to put the emphasis on in Hannukahpus.

I sadly went and read 57 things blog entry. Dear lob, that was painful. Favorite quote, "You wake up down day and realize that you’ve developed sophisticated control over one of your superpowers — such as passive income, minimalism, yoga, charisma, avatars or veganism."
That's right people, avatars and veganism are superpowers. I bet he wakes up down day a lot.

Anonymous said...

I think the homeless people I pass every day on my commute to work (I guess that makes me a drone but hey, beer is not free!) would have something to say about minimalism. What a fucking douche of unprecedented proportions.

Sokrates said...

After his cycling career, Nietzsche became a helluva striker for Germany.

Wish he woulda won Flanders.

Paul Bowen said...

Jeez you do make me laugh fella! Fabulous, solid gold post, thanks.

I sometimes wonder whether that 57 things guy needs a slap or if he needs a pat on the back for spurring you on to the comedy KoM points...

Jay Anderson said...

I believe France also has lechers http://pbakwin.home.comcast.net/~pbakwin/LTG02/IMGP0756.jpg and Italy riots http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJ0wgefcAOg

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...

I volunteer Mr. 57 Things to go out and congratulate all the homeless people in NYC for having achieved both complete autonomy and Superhuman status.

Anonymous said...

"Andy Hampsten Bikeway System."

Anonymous said...

If I win the Fat Cyclist contest can I rent a recumbent in Italy?

Anonymous said...

From the pinnacle (Andy Hampsten) to the nadir (57 things). You cover the gamut of human character.

Karma will have it's way with the purchaser of the bicycle bungee when the retracting spring slacks leading to hook/spoke togetherness.

Anonymous said...

"57 things guy" has a long way to go. Nobody tells him what to do? How about "pay your rent" or "get a place of your own?" Of course he thinks yoga is great...oh, BTW, he happens to be "learning" to be an instructor. What does that mean? Doesn't that create some sort of obligation? And just because his revenue stream is from writing (Internet or otherwise) doesn't mean he is unique. Keep workin' it out, dude...study some Buddhism and read some Zen koans. That will help a bit. Then forget it all.

Dr. Brett said...

Only wussies spell the term: "woosies". That's how I feel after one too many. Oops, sorry--that is spelled "woozy".

Anonymous said...

Bicyclebungee narrator is someone with a EXTREMELY thick New Zealand accent.

Doesn't sound at all like a Scottish accent.

Anonymous Coward said...

Paging Dr. Brett, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.

Steve Jobs said...

Minimalism been berry berry good to me. Hipsters, too. Berry good

g-roc said...

Steve, you missed the ironic quotes around "minimalism"

Steve Jobs said...

I used the minimalist quotes. Berry minimal.

ervgopwr said...

GRRRRR! That fucker Mr. 57 things is bringing such bad mojo to my name I'm pissed.

I want to kick him with maximum force in his minimalist balls.

Good thing I don't have time at work to read his shit. Only enough for snob to roast 'em.

bikesgonewild said...

...in the annals (anals ???) of 'doucheticity', minimalist57 guy is an award winner...

...ostracized in school, wherein the only attention he received was when other 'nerds' made fun of him, he now sees his 'enlightened' path as one of quiet revenge & retribution...

...unfortunately, when 'divinity' doesn't come in the path & package he hopes, one of those checks from mommy n' daddy ("hey - they're not regular checks, you know...i never know WHEN i'll get one") may go to buying an unregistered gun ("i'm special & i DON'T stand in lines to get 'official' approval from drones") down in sf's mission district, wherein he'll think about making someone, anyone who's a doubter, pay...

...in reality, he'll shoot himself in the mouth in the bathroom of a 'starbucks' 'cuz his acquaintances (he has no real friends anymore) got tired of his shit...

...have a nice day...

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'll say, Mr BGW, that was a dark post...

Anonymous said...

That fucking bungee is $300!!! That makes the Best Made Ax Bastards seem like subsistence farmers Plus, snob, I believe that accent on the video was Australian. In my opinion, far more grating than Scottish.

bikesgonewild said...

...hey, what, wishiwasmerckx ???...

...i did say "have a nice day"...

...besides...if i wanted to give him an unhappy ending, i'd postulate his meeting & falling so in love with a 'material girl' that he ends up living in daly city with two second hand cars, 3 kids, his mother-in-law living in the converted garage & a mortgage he struggles to pay even though he works a second job @ mickey d's 'cuz that internet thingy ain't working out, while his wife cheats on him with u.p.s. guy...

...now that's dark, ya ???...

PawnShop said...

BGW, Dark? No. Sounds just_about_right.

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, fuckin' UPS guys get all the pussy...I wonder when they ever find the time to deliver packages.

Lorne said...

How long before someone using the Bicyclebungee in the U.S. sues when it causes them to crash out?

bikesgonewild said...

...wiwm...

...that's what they're all about..."delivering the package"...

...actually, our local guy, who i literally just saw 2min ago is pretty cool...we gotta lotta steps here & he's not afraid to make the climb...

Anonymous said...

The dog leash is from New Zealand not Scotland, hey bro.

Recently Released Federal Prisoner #32422015 said...

Does anyone out there need a tossed salad stylist?

Vegas said...

I pondered the idea of a bungee type thing for a bit, especially after seeing something similar used in adventure races where the entire team needs to finish at the same time.

But considering the slingshot/loss of control/entanglement/snapping and killing someone issues I decided on another approach. Ride every hill twice. Or depending on the hill/riding partner 1.5 times, etc. Works as well with 2hr mountain rides as it does with century road rides.

Sure, they flip you off as you bomb down past them, and then curse at you as you ride back up again, but it's all in fun. And there's no "He sucks cuz he's leaving me behind" or "This sucks I'm waiting at the top forever."

And most importantly there's no "death cord" or tandem involved.

botch casually said...

Douche of the month club, 57 things has some serious competition with this meatsack nice iffit!

Anonymous said...

Wow-- you just gave me another reason to gush about BSNYC: your obvious mastery of the use/mention distinction. I teach this in my logic and philosophy of language classes-- the difference between the following sentences:
1) Some goober asshole on a $10K custom Seven just blew the light and nearly caused an accident.
2) "goober" has fewer letters than "asshole".

From now on I will explain this using your Andy Hampsten and epic vs. "epic". Excellent-- were you by any chance a philosophy major?

Anonymous said...

Donate!
http://www.sherermike.com/2010/12/16/fundraising/

ANT said...

ant 3rd

hipster speel-cheecker said...

nevermind the mathematical sound of this but,

wimp plus

pussy equals

wussy.

put that in your yoga-pose induced defacatory mac book whatchacallit and

refer to it when scrawling notes to leave on the steedways of assumed not-so-hip-as-you-are-hipsters.

but methinks "doofus" can be spelt two ways. go figger.

yes said...

are you ready?!

BAMMO said...

ein hundert!!!!

leroy said...

Well now I know what to get my dog for Festivus.

I just get him to pull me with a bicyclebungee and I won't have to listen to him shouting to close the gap.

On an unrelated note, is it just me or has anyone else wondered how BSNYC will censor NSFW images now that Larry King is retired?

Anonymous said...

Today's posting raises all kinds of questions. Such as:

1) Does Mr. 57 eat? If so, what kind of drone grows, harvests, transports, distributes, and prepares his food for him?

2) Has the FDA approved (or do they have under study) any drugs that show promise for the relief of terminal narcissism?

3) Is lunchbreath a genius of the same order as our beloved Snobby? I vote yes!

effing obvious said...

i have found that if the weaker rider will follow very closely behind the stronger rider, that the effort required to propel the bicycle is reduced substantially.

thus negating the need for entanglement. kiss.

and 103rd!

Pierre Trudeau said...

So people in Brooklyn are now having beards and wearing toques?
We always thought that NAFTA would lead to a mix of cultures but nobody thought that Americans would start dressing like Canadians.

g-roc said...

If only 57 realized it was comedy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpugF1UroUA

Anonymous said...

She's from New Zealand, not Scotland. Her accent (or, IK-cent) is a dead giveaway, and the scenery matches too.

Anonymous said...

LOL at the William S. Burroughs reference. It fits perfectly.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, I've been busy with all kinds of important stuff lately but finally managed to catch up with your posts and noticed that you included my humorous comment the other day. Wow, a nice little surprise, thanks! (g-roc, I'm too busy to organise an account) ce

Anonymous said...

Who am I kidding, I neglect what life I have to religiously read your blog, blog comments and Twitter at least once a day. I missed going for a ride the morning after writing that comment because I stayed up too late on the computer. Despite this, the only thing that bothers me is realising that my humour from the smoky, dimly lit confines of the comments section looks pretty mediocre in the bright lights of your blog. I've held off replying for as long as I can to appear blasé, but actually this is the most exciting, most validating thing to ever happen to me. (g-roc, I'm not quite sure how to go about organising an account name, it looks complicated) ce

Chris said...

Snob, that is not a Scottish accent. I come from Scotland. It's sounds like NZ.

Anonymous said...

I've said enough, but I have to ask Snob... Can't you tell the difference between a Scottish accent and a New Zealandish accent?

Anonymous said...

Look, the truth is I basically just sit here all day clicking the refresh button until your latest post appears. My fingers are so badly swollen from the repetitive stress of clicking that I now find it easier to just mash the mouse with my forehead. I sold my bicycle some time ago so that I could afford to keep the power on for the computer just a bit longer. I blacked out from excitement when I saw my comment in your post and have only just come to. My comment was drivel and I realise you were laughing at it, but any attention is good attention, I have no shame. (g-roc, I can't remember what my name is, I sign off using the European Conformance mark I see inscribed on my mouse every time I mash it with my face)

The only positive thing to come of this whole situation, is the concept of "hair drippings" nourishing the earth. ce

Anonymous said...

Obviously I'm not adding value to the internet here because it's not looking after me. Algorerhythms are trying to banish my comments again. ce

Yet another 'e-jit' who didn't check the comments before correcting BSNYC said...

Snob, that's not Scut-ish that Neeoo Zeee-lind.

Anonymous said...

Now that you mention it Mr Snob, trekking through Mexico with Mr Burroughs would be pretty Epic. I'd tie a bottle of speed pills we picked up in Mexico City from a junk dealer named 'queen bee' to my bike bungee and Burroughs would be wheel sucking all the way through the Yucatan -at least until he sold the bungee for $300 worth of Clem meat. You've convinced me to consider donating through Fat's.

Seriously though, where does this boy-child get off?

"I am grateful to my parents" cannot be reconciled with "all pre-internet workers are drones".

The bit about how things like biking to work makes people less prone to being a drone is the kind of truth no amount of minimalism will reveal.

Scottish accent said...

What am I, chopped liver?

Anonymous said...

That's not a Scottish accent you stupid yank.

dporpentine said...

Snob: I wish you got paid just to make fun of the minimalist guy and Sasha Frere-Jones.

That said, Mr. 57 might have just tipped his cards that the reason he doesn't have a job is because he has a severe mental illness. I'm not joking. That superhuman stuff is . . . clinical.

g-roc said...

Oops, bad link, I guess. Not allowed to check it at work.

Can always search "Kids in The Hall Saddest People" on the you tubes...if you still care.

LotStreetWiz said...

As (almost :-) always, enjoyed this, even though it took me a couple of weeks to get to it.

Re "epic" or "'epic'", this has been floating around a list I'm on:

John McGurk's checklist for what quantifies as "Epic."

1. The event being described as epic exceeds 5 hours.
2. You must spend >50% of the time lost.
3. The weather must suck.
4. You must have no food, no money, and no stores on the way.
5. <50% of the route is paved.
6. You cry at least twice.
7. An animal is involved (the bigger the better).

He followed this up a month later with this corollary:

"I forgot to mention that one of the criteria for a training epic is
that the circumstances have to spiral out of control and do so as a result of something done by the person involved that was completely
avoidable, and would have been if an ounce of common sense was used.
Racing epics are events that may or may not require a complete lack of
common sense on the part of the participant. "

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Dra. Martha Castro said...

"If minimalist guy is trying to re-fashion himself into a philosopher, he's doing about a good a job as -loser- Art Laffer is as an economist."

I absolutely agree!

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