Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Urban Tools: Curatorial Commitment

In last yesterday's post of Tuesday, August 24th, 2010, which I posted yesterday, and which should not be confused with today's post, today's bonus post, or any other post, I included the following piece of "fixie"-themed artwork:
While originally taken aback by its resemblance to the propaganda materials of a certain political regime so evil that it caused the interruption of all three Grand Tours in the 1940s, I have since learned that it's actually (as its creator informs me) intended to parody fixed-gear elitism. Indeed, so well-executed was this parody that I was thoroughly taken in--as was this unwitting "hipster," who also seems to have missed the point:

Prince Harry, incidentally, bears more than a passing resemblance in the above photo to Tom Boonen, who also shocked the world recently with this instance of anti-Semitic and/or anti-Amish mockery:

(It's impossible to know for sure whom Boonen is mocking without additional props such as horses or minivans.)

The UCI really needs to stage an intervention for this guy, and the admonishing visage of his mentor Johan Museeuw glowering at him from beneath his flaxen hairpiece could prove to be just what he needs to "scare him straight."

Furthermore, in addition to misinterpreting that image, a number of airplane nerds have informed me that the following statement I made in the day after Monday's post is also in containment of a factually inaccurate incorrectitude:

Just wait until I "drop" my own "fixie" video, in which I ride up and down the tarmac at JFK while doing elephant trunk skids and almost get hit by a Scandinavian Airlines 747.

As it turns out, Scandinavian Airlines doesn't use 747s at all, a fact of which I was unaware despite a childhood spent more or less directly in the JFK flightpath. By the way, in case you're wondering what Scandinavian Airlines does use, it turns out their fleet consists mostly of longships:

Though they have been upgrading it in a piecemeal fashion:



Anyway, having duly acknowledged my mistakes, I'd like to return to a time before I made them. It was a much simpler time--you might remember it as this past Monday--and it also happens to be the day I received the following press release from minimalist bike designers Biomega:
Apparently, the marketing department at Biomega wants the world of cycledom to know that as of Monday it "renews its curatorial commitment to cherry picking the world’s top designers to design its bicycles," since their previous "curatorial commitment" has expired. This, of course, is nü-pretentious maximum-verbiage minimalist-speak for "we're selling some new crap now." So what stylishly useless and overpriced fruit hath this cherry tree of pretention curated? Well, there's this "true urban tool" for true urban tools:
This is a great choice for the urban tool who wants a neutered mountain bike-like machine that is useless offroad yet also has no fenders or really anything that would make it useful for everyday city riding. (Though it does have that brilliantly conceived hole in the frame so that you have one tiny place to lock it.) Or, if you prefer something that's not "classic" but does have the "potential of a classic," you can opt for this model:
I was amused to note that this potentially "classic bicycle" is called the "NYC," and it even has a mostly-useless integrated downtube "filth prophylactic" which I assume is a stylistic nod to the pieces of cardboard food delivery people zip-tie to their frames. Clearly, brilliance like this cannot spring from a single mind, so it should come as no surprise that this bike the brainchild of "the three creative forces of Danish design group, KiBiSi"--which consists of Brüno, Dieter from "Sprockets," and a monkey with a protractor:

Together they may not be able to design their way out of a paper bag, but they can at least decorate the bag's interior in fashionably spartan style while they're trapped in there.

Speaking of minimalists, since last week I've mostly gotten off them (getting off minimalists should not be confused with "minimalist getting off," which refers to looking at porn on your iPad). However, it is worth noting that the blogger who wrote that "I only have 57 things" post
has not only removed all the comments to that post (a number of which were critical), but has indeed, in the name of minimalism and helping people, also eliminated comments and commenting from his entire blog:

(Killing comments in order to save you.)

He then goes on to list (again with the lists!) a number of reasons why comments are an anti-minimalist waste of time, though a more cynical person might suspect that the recent influx of skeptical visitors was really the deciding factor and that he prefers not to grapple with truth:

My blog traffic has exploded to 64,000 readers per month while I was not even here to oversee the operation. Obviously being away from my blog encourages growth more than sitting around all day reading comments does.

Also, he's going "vagabonding," which I guess is a form of minimalist walkabout.

In any case, the truth of the matter is that eliminating comments from a blog is like filling a guitar with cement--you can still play it, but it will lose all its resonance. Even if some of those comments are negative, interesting music is both mellifluous and dissonant, and I suppose what really lies at the heart of minimalism is carefully "curating" your own insular and self-serving "reality"--which is perfectly fine, but also seems antithetical to blogging. Amish people also "curate" an insular self-serving reality, but they're not out there blogging and selling books about it. If you're going to proselytize people into your lifestyle, at least be ready to do some convincing.

Speaking of convincing, a reader informs me that an insurance company failed to convince anybody to buy bicycle insurance, when they left a bunch of bikes around London that didn't get stolen:

Ultimately, I infer two things from this. Firstly, British thieves are apparently hale chaps who prefer a good challenge and find the plucking of low-hanging fruit distatefully unsportsmanlike. (They probably even have their own club and wear a distinctive hat and tie combination so they can recognize each other.) Secondly, if you're regularly locking up a bicycle that's so expensive it warrants its own insurance policy, then you're probably a fool, or a Biomega owner, or possibly both.

However, we may all need insurance if we're invaded by a "hipster robot bike army:"

Actually, judging by most of these fixed-gear videos, we already have.

100 comments:

ervgopwr said...

First!

jj said...

hi!

ervgopwr said...

Yes, after 3 years!

le correcteur said...

Top ten! Now to read!

mikeweb said...

top 10.

Fingerbang Assistant said...

Top 10.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top Ten.

Anonymous said...

Top TEN!!! FIRst time.

Desert Rider said...

Congrats ervgopwr

ant1 said...

well done ervgopwr! all that training paid off.

Anonymous said...

Damn... 11th. NOT ENUF CHAMOS CREM. DUM BUM.

RANTWICK said...

Top 20?

Anonymous said...

BS,

I laughed; how true:

'"true urban tool" for true urban tools'

When you don't know anything but have a lot of discretionary income, spend it in stupid stuff you probably won't use but that defines you as special!

hillbilly said...

happy day late bday, mikeweb!

um, snob, that's not a longship...

kidding!

RANTWICK said...

Hey, your mention of that minimalist guy didn't have anything to do with his explosion in readership or negative comments, did it? Nah.

The one time you mentioned me remains a gigantic spike in my otherwise meagre blog stats... thanks for the memories, Snob!

Klaas said...

That minimalist guy is a hoot. "the most important thing [he] could ever do you help you" is to turn off comments. So he will, at least for a while, at least on some posts.

He might not be all wrong, though, since as you say a blog without comments is less interesting to read, and anything he can do to keep people from reading his blog would be a service to those people.

Anonymous said...

fuck fuck

ant1 said...

unfortunately for that minimalist blog dude, i have better things to do "that" to visit his blog in the first place. i also don't really like that what is better for me all depends on how he feels. today it's turning off comments, but tomorrow it could be turning on comments.

mikeweb said...

well done, ervgopwr!

Thank you hillbilly and thank you frilly for the late congrats yesterday.

Buffalo Bill said...

I tried out one of those hipster robots since the robot store was offering free demos. Damn thing wouldn't vacuum the floors or wash the dishes and it drank all my beer.

PawnShop said...

A 'True Urban Tool'. These guys don't get irony, do they? As for 'Danish design super group KiBiSi', I'd much rather take my chances with Swedish musical super group ABBA, even though their 'bike' has too many wheels, and a Gruber Assist.

Anonymous said...

"last yesterday"
pure maximilism!

gurgle, cough...
Wednesday...

ant1 said...

happy late bday mikeweb! hope you celebrated the shit out of it.

ervgopwr said...

Thanks DR, ANT & MW, after this and a few tune ups at la vuelta, I think I'll be ready for worlds and Cuddles re-peat attempt.

ringcycles said...

isn't DROIDSTER just turning that awful repetitive 30 Seconds to Mars video into a feature action flick? Haven't we heard Jared Leto bleat enough already? I suppose if Transformers worked for Michael Bay, why not pitch this? I'll never understand LA, I guess.

I am the "unter-design" engine said...

He must be a king,

He is wearing a swastik, and he is not covered in shit.

I wonder what kind of "uber-design" bike a prince would ride, maybe a range rover design bike in red and black.

Princes can not be hipsters.

Boonen is a prince.

I however want to spork feed you, and do your work.

Isn't Hipster Robot like Military Intelligence, an oxymoron?

grog said...

Beware metal munching mice.
Snob, I have model Longboats for sale if you need any. Jus sayin.

Some guy on the bus said...

Boonen's hat looks Spanish to me.
He's mocking Spaniards maybe, or perhaps he's being polite and accepting hats from fans.
Maybe it was Hat Day at the Vuelta?

I fondly recall "vagibonding" with high school girlfriends as part of my Mini-Mallism phase.

PawnShop said...

Seeing as how the Brothers Schleck hail from the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg, would that make Saxo the 'duchiest' team in the Vuelta?

( Recycling a blog meme is minimalist-er than hell )

Stupid Name said...

Isn't "cherry picking the top designers" called "copying", and in the literary world that is called "plagiarism". In the blog world that is a "collaboration".

Dirty Wordy said...

Hipster Robot Bike Army volunteers will be invited to a "killer rap party" after a few weeks.

That about raps things up.

streepo said...

I believe "hipster robot" is a redundancy not an oxymoron. Report it immediately to the department or redundancy department

Unknown said...

http://failblog.org/2010/08/24/epic-fail-video-mario-kart-irl-win/ Maybe an integrated mudguard would also prevent spin-outs in Portland's newest themed bike lane.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

hump day

Anonymous said...

I would comment on this post, but I must devote my time to more important things, like wine, women and song. And sardines. Hmmmm, sarrdiines.

M_Avina said...

That 57 things blog is so annoying it is hilarious--his minimalist kit is bursting with items rife with d-bag cachet and low on anything of real interest, like a chain wear gauge or some kipper snacks. He apparently eschews discourse and reading (no books listed) in favor of onanism.

Anonymous said...

Streepo @ 2:12 -- If that fails, call out the Natural Guard!

Bob Plant said...

VALH ALLA

Anonymous said...

"a stylistic nod to the pieces of cardboard food delivery people zip-tie to their frames"

Reading incorrectly, I imagined finding, catching, and dismembering a food delivery person made of cardboard and then attaching him to my bike. . .

Anonymous said...

i have to disagree, I think biomega is doing some really cutting edge stuff in the realm of bike design. for instance the brooklyn http://biomega.dk/biomega.aspx

where it appears they have had the amazing forethought to put dune buggy wheels on a bmx bike. because, you know, the streets of brooklyn cry out for this sort of incredible utilitarian innovation. WTF Boimega?

Tex said...

So Mister Minimalist Doofus has tried his hand at Condescension and failed at that too, making himself look even more ridiculous. What's next,literary criticism? Oh, wait, he has no books. Oh well, he'll think of something.

Salty and Sore said...

"Though it does have that brilliantly conceived hole in the frame so that you have one tiny place to...."

Man, I've missed this place! Good to be back. : )

Nogocyclist said...

I am making what should be self evident statement, but will be considered a call for censorship by many. Even so, it needs to be said. The use of Nazi symbolism as a joke or flippantly is just wrong.

The ideas that defined Nazism were so despicable, the very concept in totality should be erased from humanity, with the only the exception being retaining the history to use it to teach humanity, so as to avoid repeating the atrocities that accommodated the principles.

Snob, you are right in calling attention to this wrong. The curator of this design owes a debt for doing this to all of humanity.

Having the right to free speech does not mean all speech is right.

Salty and Sore said...

@ MBD-

Well said!

Tex said...

@Nogocyclist

Well said.

That shit makes me want to vomit.

ant1 said...

Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, Nogocyclist, but at least it's an ethos.

sorry, couldn't resist, but yeah, you're right.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Another profound yet comical look at the current state of affairs. Never ceases to amaze me how you can entertain and thought provoke at the same time. -Thanks Bikesnob.

bikesgonewild said...

..."ve haf vays of making you ride, ya ???"...


...win a race in spain, they give you a hat...it's what the spanish always do & it's a regional thing...
...chris horner was given some hugely oversize foppy, floppy beret thingy earlier this year when he won a race in spain...

...& mikeweb...a belated birthday 'props'...need a nice spanish hat, amigo ???...

graciela. said...

I looked through some of the 57 guy's comments before he got rid of them and some were critical but not in bad taste. Calling out how much crap he still has and that it's not necessary to list the brands of his possessions doesn't seem out of line to me. Not sure why you'd put yourself out there if you can't handle it.

And I'm not sure how commenting is a waste of time but reading a blog isn't. It's all a waste of time but it's also fun.

Anonymous said...

maybe all comments for the minimalist guy should be directed here. I'll start: Hey! Minimalist, YOU SUCK VITO'S NADS!!

g said...

"Killer Hipster Zombie Robots"? I don't even know where to begin. It's safe to say that the shark has officially been jumped. (I added the zombie bit. I thought the original idea was soft without it.)

Man, that's just.... man.....

g said...

Elwood: Illinois Nazis.
Jake: I hate Illinois Nazis.

Anonymous said...

blogging is for people who got their novels rejected, and then decided to write one again, with even less worth

Anonymous said...

Minimalist guy should go totally zen and give up being in the public for a year.

ant1 said...

NOCM MNTS

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...any mention of johan museeuw @ any time is worthwhile but a reference to his "flaxen hairpiece" is pure gold, jerry...

...comment for 'minimalist guy'... - ..."..."...

i welcome our robot overlords said...

Binary Solo!
0000001
00000011
00000111
00001111

O, O O 1, O O 1!
Come on sucker, lick my battery!

Boogie, boogie, boogie, robo boogie!

Monkey with a Protractor said...

I can haz fixie?

bikesgonewild said...

..."I can haz fixie?"...

...well, o-kay...no "jumping the shark" with that shit...

...that simply means we've sunk to a whole new level...

...retact, protractored monkey...retract & repent...

PawnShop said...

Nogo,
The Nazis specialized in unmitigated evil, not ultimate douchiness.

So I agree - use of Nazi sybolism trivializes just how douchy fixie extremists are.

SmugSeattle said...

I suggest that the film crew trolls the campus of Seattle University and the greater Capitol Hill (Seattle) neighborhood for their army of robot hipsters. Eerie vacant stare already included! They'll work for Miller High Life (PBR is soooo Williamsburg) and cheap Colombian marching powder.

"Guppy" Honaker said...

It really took me aback too, as a student of the Sho'ah (Holocaust). I can see how you were initally fooled, I was too. (I do find it in poor taste, as the intent to memic the Nazi symbole is obvious. Still, it worked.)

- David

Aloe Vera 101
Holistic Health Info.

benDE said...

3:19 I disagree completely. Living in Germany has taught me basically nothing other than the fact that people NEED to make a joke out of Nazi ideology. It was a complete trainwreck of a idea and it, of course, was the cause of untold sufferring around the world. But the Germans aren't allowed to make fun of it, therefore they ignore it, or worse, the jokes (because they are not allowed to laugh with and are therefore are being laughed at) are an affront.

The best way to castrate the whole ideology for eternity is to turn it into one big fucking joke! Who follows the jokesters? er, wait, snob is funny sometimes. anyway, you get my point.

Otto Parts said...

Also redundant: The "True Urban Tool" has the stiff and lightweight one-piece "monococque" structure.

bikesgonewild said...

...kinda hard NOT to invoke godwin's law when you lead-off this post with THAT artwork, huh ???...

..."As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches...In other words, Godwin put forth the sarcastic observation that, given enough time, all discussions—regardless of topic or scope—inevitably wind up being about Hitler and the Nazis."...

dux said...

noticed the eagle on the FGF poster appears to be wearing a helmet!!!!!!!

WTF???

duxus maximus said...

The swastika is a centuries old symbol of the BON
religion, the oldest religion on the planet.
Nazi douchebags used it as magical symbol and astrological attempts to influence the gods to aid the war effort. The Nazi use is diametrically opposite of the BON.
Also, I don't care what symbols are used. Taking back
usage of any symbol for free association is tantamount
to freedom.
Death to all real nazis...........

_Had_ a Monkey Once said...

Killer hipster zombie robots took my monkey!

Miss Muff said...

I did some vagibonding once. After about eight tequila slammers I felt dirty all over and reached for a douchebag (I just can't remember his name) and instead grabbed a tube of CraziGlue and rammed it up my....
.....well, needless to say, after that vagibonding I couldn't pee for a week, couldn't have sex for a month, and have been wary of tequila, CraziGlue, and douches of any kind.

And don't accuse me of making this fucking shit up.

Salty and Sore said...

That's it.

I'm starting a new band: Robot Hipster Killers

...what? Too fascist?!


Btw..

Can anyone here play the mandolin?

Anonymous said...

Huh. Easy for you to say.

Anonymous said...

my guess is that the number of hits on the "57 things" blog exploded while he was gone because BSNYC "dropped" his review & readers followed the link to check it out. It'll dry up.

Incidentally, how could anyone take a minimalist seriously who has that redundant "T" in his name?

Anonymous said...

The Nazi discussion seems to have awakened the oriental Nike salesmen from their slumber, get ready for the onslaught!

bikesgonewild said...

...得到的生活,挺舉小康

..."get a life, jerk-off"...i wonder if the right jerk-off will get the message...

...i can't say i'm actually "learning" chinese but i'm certainly "using" it...

Anonymous said...

94th!!!!!!

deebo said...

tear apart that new video 'Murder of Couriers'. It made me cringe when I watched it, and when came here and didnt see your thoughts on it, I cringed some more. I NEED you to say what I cant put into words so well.

Anonymous said...

lanterne rouge!

pink lobster said...

Hey Pawn Shop,
I disagree. The Nazis had actually perfected douchiness long before they came into power and went on to perfect being evil. Whiny and long-winded manifestos, preachy vegetarianism, goofy Conformist outfits (silly brown shirts)... what more do you need? Those fixters better watch out, they're headed down a slippery slope (with no brakes, mind you).

Salty and Sore said...

Whoa! I better watch my tone. Sorry, if I implied something that isn't there; just trying to lighten up a heavy discussion.

That said, can we drop the whole slippery slope discussion? We must not forget, but we must also not abuse the memory of the Holocaust with flimsy comparisons to hipsterdom.

For your edification (or some other pretentious term for grandstanding)

Nazi = Evil (note capital E)

Fixed gear street riders trying to create weird style diktats while riding unsafely and taking pride in their apparent silliness = ridiculous

To say that Evil is in any way, comparable to ridiculousness is an inappropriate stretch. Evil is in a class all its own. Once you've encountered it, you don't kick it around lightly anymore.

diamondjim said...

"handmade in Denmark to our excacting standards."
(from http://www.biomega.dk/biomega.aspx )
They're some standards...

Anonymous said...

Please Mr Snob, please disable your comments section! Didn't you see the 263 word lumbering monster of a comment I painfully and needlessly deposited late yesterday evening. I really don't have time for this, and I feel that it is your duty of care as the blog proprietor to take all reasonable action to ensure the welfare of your readers. At least consider setting up a system for self exclusion like some responsible casinos and hotels have. That way during a reflective moment a problem commenter can opt to be put on the banned list before their blinding ego driven compulsion returns. ce

Anonymous said...

check out the bike spy story England crossdressing helmet cam commute--everything you aspire to

http://www.youtube.com/user/gaz545

Anonymous said...

You are a "try hard" whose only talent is an add writing style, and a penchant for making fun of people.(just trying to help out with a negative comment)


IRNK
CMNT

Nogocyclist said...

Salty and Sore in the wee hours of the morning, Very well said.

To everyone else, sorry for making a statement so heavy on a blog we all enjoy for it's usual light tone and a place many of us use to escape our daily problems.

Bringing this up is not what I want to do at all, but even I, a person born many years after this evil, sustained considerable loss from the war that occurred because of it.

M_Avina said...

This blog rocks. I'm bringing popcorn when I come 'round these parts. Bring it!

Anonymous said...

One gear, one people, one Leader!

Anonymous said...

only a complete douche would refer to someone as a "try hard"
revolting.

Shaun said...

@Anon 3:44 PM

You forgot "one testicle".

cambio said...

I wouldn't be put out at all if you ceased having comments on your blog as most of them are inane.

I read the minimalist guy once - following the link you posted. It was lame, but the comments were excellent.

I have read your blog regularly since I was about halfway through your terrific book, which I'm glad to see is back in print. I'm glad that you write outside the bike (box).

Anonymous said...

After using a popular search engine with a multicolored logo and image result function, I have determined Biomega is some sort of Japanese anime involving a clothing wearing bear, or surprise a bicycle. I feel that comic collecting either makes one a fool or perhaps is made fun of by fools. Additionally, props to Chuck Lore for using comic collecting in its comic capacity in his hugely popular nerd centric sitcom.

Bobbyd215 said...

I didn't bother reading what else was written on here, I just wanna get my Opinion heard. Fuck, i'm such a minimalist that i didn't think it necessary to remember what i was gonna say here.

Jasper said...

Somehow it doesn't surprise me that a bike designed by a man named Ros Lovegrove has a hole in it...

kfg said...

"In last yesterday's post . . ."

You're starting to get so good at this shit it's starting to get scary.

Frobac said...

Loved PawnShop's reference to the "ABBA bike"
http://www.ecofriend.org/entry/eco-cars-electric-urban-quad-bike-concept-for-green-highways/

If the mock-up photo is to be believed, our roads are about to become a lot more dangerous as high speed salmoning takes off.

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fixie bikes said...

The sun is so terrible.

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