Friday, August 6, 2010

BSNYC Friday Fun Conspiracy!

In yesterday's post, I made repeated mention of douches, and a good indication that douchery is afoot (or "a-douche") is when an event listing begins with the phrase "An evening with..." (Unless the event is a date with a prostitute, in which case the phrase is euphemistic and not douchey.) Furthermore, when that event takes place at the Rapha Cycle Club in New York City, you can bet that the event will be positively douche-tastic. This is why it gives me "douche chills" to announce that I'll be there on Thursday, August 12th:

As I've mentioned before, my book (by which I mean "Bike Snob," and not my previous book, "Hoff the Hook: The Life and Times of David Hasselhoff") has been out of stock for some time. This is because I personally bought all the copies to create a false illusion of scarcity, at considerable expense to me. However, new copies are arriving any moment now, and you'll be able to get one at the Rapha Cycle Club BRA (or Book-Related Appearance)--with the added bonus that you can call me a "douche" to my face as you purchase it.

You may also note that the event is billed as "An Exploration of Epic," though the truth is I have no idea what I will talk about yet. I could explore "epic," or I could simply rattle off a list of stuff I keep in my medicine cabinet, or I may just discuss foods I don't like. (I may even slur my words unintelligibly due to the stuff I keep in my medicine cabinet.) All I can say for sure at this point is that I will not read from my book, and that I will bring at least a few of these to give away:

I will also give away some of these promotional patch kits, because you always want people to think of you when they're in a highly inconvenient situation and cursing to themselves:

That's just good business.

I will not, however, be bringing one of these, but only because I don't have one:

However, if you have one, please bring it. There's a free deluxe patch kit in it if you do. (I'll also throw in a t-shirt if you bring it on a Big Dummy.)

By the way, if you're annoyed that I'll be appearing at a place that sells overpriced cycling clothing, keep in mind you don't have to buy a pair of expensive pants (or anything at all) in order to come to my BRA, or to watch the movies they show there, or to watch the Vuelta, which they're also showing. You don't even have to buy my book. In fact, you could probably walk in off the street, use the bathroom, and walk out again without anybody being the wiser. Letting other people's money fund your entertainment or intestinal relief is the kind of marketing that works for everybody.

However, I will admit I almost cancelled the BRA when a reader informed me that Rapha will be making a soap that features "a fragrance inspired by the herbs and plants growing on the slopes of Mont Ventoux:"

It was only a matter of time before "roadies" entered the world of artisanal soaps, and I suspect it won't be long before someone markets a bar of soap with a scent inspired by the smell of Jaques Anquetil's "pants yabbies." It could be called "All You Roadies Sniff My Chamois."

Until that happens, I'm pleased to present you with a delightfully-scented quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer using your mouse, touch pad, or telepathic powers. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see the current state of affairs and why American culture is slipping faster than Carlos Sastre in the GC.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and wash thoroughly.


1) In last week's Tour of the Catskills, the field was disrupted during a high-speed descent by:

--A horse
--A dog
--A state trooper
--An enraged hillbilly with a blunderbuss, fiercely protective of his still

4) This is a diagram of:

5) Urban Fashion Watch: Snare drums are the new messenger bags.


6) The makers of the U-lock-dependent socket wrench are now offering a U-lock-dependent star-fangled nut installer so you can change forks "on-the-fly."

(Evidence that irony existed among primitive humans.)

7) Which country is attempting to "stamp out the illegal sales" of brakeless bicycles?

***Special Cycling Tattoo-Themed Bonus Question***

We know the owner of this tattoo is manly because:


202 said...

First. How about it

gregg said...


Epic Burrito said...

Bite this

Booboo said...

Tattoos are only manly if they're on men.

Mr. Russell said...

top 10

g said...

ant1, no gifts!!

top ten..

Threshold Cycling said...


Turd Ferguson said...

Top ten?

ringcycles said...

Did the Forces of Douche capture Antoine already?

g said...

It would seem the correct answer to question 1 is labeled as

Matt said...

Since the chain in the featured tattoo is breaking on the slack side, we can only infer that the break is the result of a skid stop and the rider is foreshadowing the circumstances that result in his own demise.

BikeSnobNYC said...


Oops! Thanks, fixed.


Fingerbang Assistant said...

Dumbass, that's not where the chain breaks...

Anonymous said...

I have been wondering when hipsters would give up on pedals to match the width of their bars

Anonymous said...

Top 15??

PawnShop said...

"That's just good business."

Maybe I didn't get the memo, but wouldn't actually offering for purchase BSNYC gear ( other than the book ), be good business too?


g said...

If someone can bring one of these to Rapha, I will be absolutely sure to be there. Just picture it! I see it as something like this.

ant1 said...


Nogocyclist said...

I see a major problem with the Australian law on bicycle brakes. It requires a brake pad to contact the rims only. This does not allow for disc brakes.

From a safety standpoint, disc brakes are just as safe as conventional brakes, if not superior under some conditions.

BikeSnobNYC said...


I actually run my disc brakes rotorless to save weight.


WickedFixed said...

Equestrians suck! Horse-back riding is allowed in many areas mountain biking isn't even though horses cause way more trail erosion. Seeing them screw up a whole peloton of roadies pisses me off even more. It's not the horses fault, merely the people riding them!

Anonymous said...

There was a horse incident with the Cat 5 B's as well!

Unknown said...

The australian law also mandates:

"The right lever connects to the front brake and the left lever to the rear brake.. Brake friction pads are securely attached to the backing plate or holder and, when applied, touch only the wheel rim."

does this have to do with riding on the left side of the road?

grog said...

keeping the anal in artisanal.
keeping the piracy in conspiracy.

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob's comments about his upcoming BRA at Rapha epitomize (douche for "are an example of") why I like this blog so much. BSNYC can make fun of cycling trends without pretending that he's above them. Now, if only Fox News could apply the same attitude to their story-telling ... er, I mean "reporting".

rigtenzin said...

In Australia they call speedos "budgy smugglers."

Desert Rider said...

I have got to pay more attention. I must have watched the hipster video 20 times...

Anonymous said...

"you always want people to think of you when they're in a highly inconvenient situation and cursing to themselves"

The snob must have seen me fixing a flat. Something I've done hundreds of times, partly because I conned my wife into 10,000 miles of bike touring over the years on the condition I do all the repairs. It's one of the downsides of marriage that the mullahs, priests, and rabbis don't warn you about in pre-nuptial counseling.

Viva Bike Touring -

g said...

The brake levers are left-rear/right-front in Japan as well. Made for a funny site when my ex-girlfriend returned from 2 years there and panic stopped in the US for the first time. Well.... it was funny to me. Bitch.

Anonymous said...

srsly, I want to buy a t shirt.

gene99 said...


Now that you have successfully insulted the douche, they will expect to be flagellated. I suggest you bring appropriate protection, as they tend to get overexcited at “events.”

And remember to charge 10% more for the book. This will make the douche feel "exclusive."

I am the "on fire" engine said...

Sorry to hear abut the Rapha scheduling mistake, fire your publicist and agent.

Where did that Thrillist, frat boy video go?

I forwarded it all of my old Penn colleagues to show them the dumbing down of their alma mater.


The problem with bearded Fred bong hit video is not the fixie or the bong, but the lighter. Freds are only allowed to use wooden kitchen matches. Lighters are way to complicated.

Fred said...

" Freds are only allowed to use wooden kitchen matches. Lighters are way to complicated."

I must object in the strongest possible terms. Just recently, I purchased the Shimano Di2 Dura-Ace Lighter (the full carbon, TT version). I assure you, as an orthodontist, I am fully qualified to operate it.

I don't, of course, because that would get it dirty.

mikeweb said...

I like struting around the Rapha shop with my unshaven legs.

I'll be there for the BRA. I'll be the one using the restroom then leaving. Repeatedly.

Nogocyclist said...

Snob, If you run your bike with disc brakes sans rotors it would create an interesting situation for any bike thief that may jump on your bike and speed away.

Short of the liability issues, it may be worth trying.

innerlighter said...

So is that the Lobster God?


ringcycles said...

BSNYC, I'm not certain that "douchery" is apparent in the title of your upcoming event. By un-hooking your BRA at the Rapha club and selling your wares are you not prostituting yourself? I know, we all have to pay the rent.

The Fermentation Guy said...

For those of us nerds who live in California how do I get a shirt!?! Are you selling through Rapha for $75? I would love to be riding my fixie tarck bike in my tapered leg jeans while rocking a shirt that is 3 sizes too small! No seriously, I want a shirt!

Anonymous said...

you need to come out of the closet. proclame to the world your love of everything raffa

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

RTMS- May I just call you a douche here on the comment board?

SteveL said...

Having cycled up Ventoux, while touring, can I point out that I don't remember any pleasant scents at all. Mind you, on a ten day bike tour with only two tops, one drying on the rack while the other is being worn, everything gets a kind of gritty feel and your main measure of cleanliness is how sticky is the top.

Anonymous said...

mikeweb, bad, no, no!

I kid, that made me smirk a bit.

Snobbie, I want a patch kit. Send me one, pretty please.

Clark Nikolai said...

What do people in France think of calling someone a "shower"?

bikesgonewild said... seems to be enthralled by the grip of douche-o-mania this summer...'s a hot spell of douche-tastika...

bikesgonewild said...

...& can somebody get the lance-ster "a U-lock-dependent star-fangled nut installer", please...

...he's gonna need it now that novitsky & the feds are tryna put a clamp on the 'uni-ball'...

Anonymous said...

I note the patch kit contains a "buffing strip." For the "pants yabbies?" Now that's what I call flat repair!

Also, re: herbs on Ventoux. Well, there's the usual assortment of thyme, rosemary and lavender, but you can just get a bar o'soap at a shop in Malaucene without all the "scents of the slopes of Ventoux" pretension...

bikesgonewild said...

...if rapha was smart, they'd 'be making a soap that features a fragrance inspired by the herbs and plants growing on the slopes' of northern california from whence they made one of their douche-epic rides last year...

...small cities & towns in nor-cal are still sifting through tight budgets to pay for hosing & wiping down the smarmy pretension left on local roads after rapha's passing...

innerlighter said...

Would that make it "Wednesday Soap", or is that just the stuff from Northern California?

Anonymous said...

The socialist-themed shared bikes are even red!

BTW, I wouldn't accept that patch kit if you payed me 10.000 soviet rubles to carry it. It has only 2 tire levers and every good little pioneer knows it takes 3 tire levers to remove most tires worth commuting with.

bikesgonewild said...


...believe me, every day in nor-cal is wednesday, if you have the inclination...

...just sayin'...

PawnShop said...

Tire levers? You use tire levers? Man up and grow a pair ( of really strong thumbs, that is ) - and get some technique while you're at it. I'd be shocked to learn that I've used levers a dozen times in the last thousand flat fixes.


leroy said...

I'd go to the Rapha event, but I don't have a thing to wear.

BGW borrowed the bike thong to provide the entertainment at Nadia's bachelorette party. I don't want it back

Ride safe all!

gator joe said...

Oh Shit! that Fixie hitting the bong is the funniest thing I've seen in years. Reminds me of the Old Days!

bikesgonewild said...

...dammit, leroy...

...i was hoping to keep my little 'hoochy kootchy' dance with the monkey ladies a private affair... the thong, you've blown my cover...

...& speaking of 'blown', ohhh, nooo, never mind...

Anonymous said...

You do realise now that there will probably be at least fifty tennis ball machines arriving on Big Dummies. You might need to bring extra t-shirts and patch kits.

leroy said...

Dear Rapha --

Is there an embrocation you recommend to cover the scent of banana peels and old one dollar bills from a bike thong?

It's not for me. I'm asking for a friend.

bikesgonewild said...

...anonymous sez...

...& hurry, please...i'm kinda itchy...

...ohhh, gosh, really...i thought i 'clicked' the anon button thingy...

theshepherdsdog said...

having just a front brake on a fixed gear bike is fine...

theshepherdsdog said...

i know two is best, but one works

Anonymous said...

is everyone on vacation today?

Anonymous said...

The BIKE BONG video is a good indication that the real cycling culture of Amsterdam is finally starting to filter out. Soon the people who bought their Dutch city bike for the laterally chic and vertically smug properties are going to realise that the basket on the front wasn't originally intended for portaging fair trade tea, fair trade spices and fair trade soylent green, but for portaging space tea, space cakes... and fair trade soylent green to sort out the munchies. ce

shadrach said...

They've already got a way to use your iPhone as your cyclometer.

The Tattoo Owner said...

Look mom I'm on BSNYC!

cambio said...

Portland will soon host "the greenest triathlon in the world":

Daniel da Silva said...


rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Ronsonic said...

Gotta wonder about a bunch of riders who don't know to give horses a lot of room. I'm a share the road kinda guy, horses have a right to be there. But I say that knowing they're dangerous as hell for a cyclist to be anywhere near.

Were these real bike racers or some NYC Cat 4s out slumming on the open roads?

Anonymous said...

American Flyers!! awesome 80's montage! on the theme of Montage. Rad!, Thrashin and I know there is one about skiing too but I cant remember the name. The movies usually go like this. Disadvantaged boy with talent finds love and wins sponsorship in the sport after winning the big race! THRILLING STUFF! check me out I just started.

MELI. said...

iwas surprised to receive my bsnyc patching kit without a silicon or
any blue pills. that would have been approved.

Anonymous said...


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Roller shoes said...

oh,my god
the above comments

Pontius Pilate said...



LK said...

所以我等、我默不吭聲、我在他面前強顏歡笑 Monday!

Vegas said...

Yeah, I'm super late. Does anyone go back and read these? Especially after all the Korean posts? We'll see.

Regarding the Aussies and their rules:
#3 since brakes ”…only touch the wheel rim…” then disc brakes are illegal as well?
#5 says "a back-pedal brake" is allowed "for children's bicycles..." It doesn't say "coaster brake", so fixies are ok if you are under 18? And also beach cruisers aren't allowed if you're an adult?

Haha, the gaping holes in these regulations are ridiculous, and enforcing only part(s) of them appears asinine.

Someone should look into whether the ACCC has governing members that own stock in companies that sell brakes or distribute brakes or something! :D

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Filing cabinet said...

From a safety standpoint, disc brakes are just as safe as conventional brakes, if not superior under some conditions. Horse-back riding is allowed in many areas mountain biking is not even though horses cause way more trail erosion.

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fixie bikes said...

that's a cool shirt