Ups and Downs: More Bikes, Less Hope

Obviously, today is Halloween, and personally I don't care. Firstly, I'm a free thinker and I don't need a special occasion to ride around in my moisture-wicking chicken suit. Secondly, to me Halloween just means there will be an uptick in stupid behavior, and that uptick should be especially noticeable this year since Halloween has fallen on a Friday. So in addition to the usual slew of Halloween-themed alleycats there should be some kind of Critical Mass ride rolling around. Anyway, I've already gotten holiday-themed riding out of my system, since I participated in a Sukkot-themed alleycat just a couple of weeks ago. I won't bore you with the ride report, but I will tell you it was called "Sukkah On This" and it was awesome.

I will say though that at least when it comes to Halloween people have the decency to ramp up the absurdity during the course of the week so you've got time to get used to it.  Thanks to the dual miracles of readers and email, I have already seen cyclocross barriers of fire in Milwaukee:

And giant red recumbent man-eating sperm in Grand Rapids:

How much worse can it get?

Speaking of scary upticks, the New York Post reports that the number of cyclists entering Manhattan is up 35%:

It's always good to see the New York Post reporting on cycling. After all, it is a newspaper of record--though admittedly that record is Warrant's 2006 "comeback" album "Born Again." The New York Times also points out that in particular the number of cyclists crossing the Williamsburg Bridge has quadrupled from 2000 to 2008. This particular statistic is an excellent example of how important semantics are when it comes to interpreting data. While at first glance you'd take this to mean that more people are cycling, it's also possible that the same number of people are cycling but that they've only been able to successfully cross the bridge since the city finished renovating the bike path in 2002. Before that, crossing the Williamsburg Bridge was like crossing a rope bridge in the Himalayas. So it wouldn't suprise me if just as many people set out on their bikes to cross it before 2000, only to either give up and choose another bridge or plummet into the East River below.

No matter how you interpret the data, though, it's clear a lot of people are commuting by bicycle. And while we've still got a ways to go the city has certainly improved the cycling infrastructure (as anyone who has crossed the old Williamsburg Rope Bridge must admit). Given that, I feel that it is now time cyclists turn their attention to improving their own bikes. And the one place even the novice cyclist can start is with his or her chain. I have noticed that a disturbing number of people these days are riding around on bicycles with brown chains that sound like pillowcases full of mice. I realize that my dream of a pie plate-free world may be far-fetched, but I think a world in which every chain knows a lubricant's viscous kiss is realistic. Removing a pie plate takes a bit of know-how, but if you can brush your own teeth you can lubricate your own chain. If your chain is rusty or squeaky, just put something unctuous on it. That's it. If you're the kind of cyclist who rides around with a squeaky drivetrain, chances are you also ride a pretty crappy bike, so don't worry about fancy boutique lubes.  Seriously, just use anything.  3-In-One oil, motor oil, grease, K-Y Jelly, chicken fat--whatever you've got in your tool box, refrigerator, or bedside drawer is fine.  Even your own mucus can work in a pinch.  (Though you might want to use rubber gloves.)

But while commuting by bicycle may be on the rise, the Chris King Headset Composite Index is declining precipitously.  (I don't know what "precipitously" means, but it's a word that always seems to come after "decline."  Maybe it has to do with precipitation, and the fact that things get slippery when it rains.)  When we last checked in on the CKHCI, it was at 89.79.  Now, a scant four days later, it's at 77.59:

Not only that, but the trading volume is lower as well.  When I calculate the CKHCI I use headset auctions that are closing in the next 12 hours.  Earlier this week, that meant I looked at six auctions.  Today, though, there were only three closing during that window.  (And one of them was in the freakish 1 1/4 size, which doubtless contributed to the drop.)  If you're not horrified yet, then maybe this poorly-rendered graph will scare some sense into you:



That's right, the CKHCI is going down like Cadel Evans on a smooth, flat stretch of road.

To be completely honest, the only reason I'm not stockpiling bottled water (remember, people always stockpile water in emergencies for some reason) is because the New York City PistaDex is practically throbbing right now at 583.33.  You can even get free upgrades if you're good-looking:

So if you're drop-Deda gorgeous, be sure to drop him a line.

Moral Fiber, Not Carbon Fiber: Doing the Right Thing

This morning, as I commuted on my Ironic Orange Julius Bike in the ironically-named "bike lane," I came upon a truck. (What else would one expect to find in an ironic bike lane?) It was one of those big oil trucks making a delivery. On the left side of its bumper was the word "Pass," and on the right side was the word "Danger." As a cyclist and as a human being, I do my very best to stay on the path of righteousness. I never inflate my tires past the maximum pressure rating, I never exceed single serving sizes when consuming snack foods, I smoke only legal substances out of my three foot bong, and I always follow washing instructions to the letter when I pay other people to do my laundry. As such, I realized I was in quite a predicament. Passing on the left was impossible, as there was no space between the truck and the parked cars, and passing on the right was indeed dangerous, as I'd have to ride outside of the "bike lane" and in traffic--which of course as an urban cyclist I never, ever do. However, after straddling the IOJB for nearly 20 minutes, I realized that I would need to confront my fears and court danger. So I closed my eyes, grit my teeth, took a deep breath, and walked my bike safely on the sidewalk and around the obstruction.

So as a person who strives for good moral character, I was very pleased to learn of this book from a reader in the Netherlands (which is that country bordering Holland) who is justifiably concerned about our own national character here in the United States:

"Originally published in 1910, Alfred Rochefort's HEALTHFUL SPORTS FOR BOYS is an optimistic 'Can Do!' prescription for the kind of vigorous, competitive, yet thoroughly wholesome boyhood that for more than two centuries has reliably bred great American men of character, courage and good common sense. In our 21st Century, 'post-modern' era of video games, virtual reality and 'couch potato kids,' Rochefort's vision of active boys creating fun with their own minds and muscles is a reminder of everything great about boys and about America, and a Clarion Call to a new generation to 'get up and get great!' -- Before it's too late!"

I could not agree more, and I'm glad to learn that my firm belief in camping/boating/swimming/cycling/skating/sledding/sleight of hand magic septathalons is not only validated in print but also taps into a heritage that is nearly 100 years old. I'm also glad that "Rochefort's vision of active boys creating fun with their own minds and muscles" was published way back in 1910 and that he's probably no longer among us today, because if he were his vision would almost certainly have landed him in prison by now. I suppose the narrowness of his vision is why there's not also a girls' version of this book, though I suppose if there were it probably would have involved a lot of ribbon tying, fabric mending, and doll hair brushing.

If still you're not ready to buy it, this sample chapter on the Amazon entry for this book should be enough to convince you. It starts thusly:

CHAPTER III

KITES: WHERE FOUND; HOW MADE;
THEIR PRACTICAL USES; CLOSELY RELATED
TO AEROPLANES– A GREAT SPORT

Spring winds favor kite flying. This is another world-wide sport, and it was popular with old and young in China – the land of the kite – at the time when the Egyptians were cutting stones for the pyramids. Everybody knows, or should know, what the great Ben Franklin did by means of a kite, though the kite through which he learned the nature of lightning was of a model that is not often seen at this time. This was the old bow kite, the kind that every beginner learns to make, and which needs no detailed description here.

Ah yes, I'll never forget learning to fashion my own bow kite as a child, nor the character-building beatings that ensued when I flew it incorrectly. I can only imagine what "Healthful Sports For Boys" has to say about cycling. Rochefort's feelings on Campy vs. Shimano are no doubt as compelling as they are insightful.

Unfortunately, not everybody is as morally upstanding as I am. The city, and indeed the world, is rife with bike thieves. In fact, I just received this plea from yet another victim:

Hi snob,

I have never written you before, but I have been an avid reader since the beginning. I am reaching out to you today because my bike was stolen. I know you can't post something every time some jackass gets thwarted by the bike thieves, however in seeing the attached picture of my bike you will see it is close kin with the ironic orange julius bike-- and that may (hopefully) pull at your heart strings

yes it is a "hipster bike" with the white deep V's and the white ourys- sans brake. however it is just my city bike- my commuting bike and I love it with all my heart. I raised it from a trash heap in southern california nursed it back to health, and the rest is history.
it was stolen on broadway in front of the Shakespeare and co book store between west 4th and washington place

The frame is an orange celo europa road frame from the 80's
It had risers with white oury grips and the front brake which is in this photo is no longer there. The wheels were white velocity deep v's the rear hub was a phil wood.
There aren't alot of these around. And being an orange and white "hipster bike" it should be easy to spot.
Thanks for your help
- joe gunn

Ps. I'm willing to pay a handsome reward.

I'm posting this because not only would I like to see this person get his bike back (and if you have any leads, please send them directly to the victim at joe@joegunnphoto.com because I can't be bothered) but also because his plea did indeed tug at my heart strings. That's not because this bike shares anything with my own IOJB, though. The two couldn't be any more different. Not only does the IOJB have a surfeit of brakes, but it's also not even remotely orange, which is a crucial component of its irony. No, it tugs at my heart strings because I too was raised back to health from a trash heap, and I'm also orange in hue. Most importantly, though, the victim promises a "handsome reward." And that can mean only one thing: he's prepared to give whoever finds the bike former "Wonder Years" star Fred Savage:

It doesn't get much more handsome than that.

But the most important gift a theft victim can give his fellow cyclists is knowledge, and I strongly believe that when you post a cry for help you should also explain how your bike was locked (or wasn't locked) so that at least others might learn from your misfortune. As it turns out, Mr. Gunn's bike was locked, however it was locked to a scaffolding. And unfortunately scaffolding can be unbolted. Mr. Gunn knew this, but then he made his second, fatal mistake--he figured it would be fine because he would "only be five minutes." And as soon as you think that to yourself, you've lost your bike. When it comes to bike theft, always remember that five minutes is four minutes and fifty-nine seconds too many. Which is why this Craigslist posting is irritating:


Firstly, the lock's only as good as the object to which it is secured. Secondly, even if you didn't lock your bike at all, you can still blame bike crooks. One doesn't have to have read "Healthful Sports for Boys" to know that it's wrong to take something that belongs to someone else. The smug nature of this posting leads me to believe not only that it was written by a Kryptonite employee, but that perhaps Kryptonite themselves are behind many bike thefts in the same way that anti-virus software makers are probably creating all those computer viruses.

Then again, people do lock their bikes poorly, as you can see from this picture sent to me by a reader in San Francisco:

I guess orange is striving to be the new stolen.

Then again, there are other ways to lose your bike besides getting it stolen:

Missing!!! Redline Conquest Pro!!! (Bike Kill!!!)
Reply to: sale-898166508@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-29, 4:03PM EDT

Hey there,

I crashed my bike on the way home from Bike Kill knocked myself out and had to be taken to the hospital in a ambulance. Unfortunatly they left my bike on the side of the road.

The bike is a black redline conquest pro with white bar tape and a silver arione saddle. It has oval handlebars with a fsa stem and seatpost. It is set up 1x9 with dura ace components a mavic front wheel and shimano rear wheel.

If you know anything or have seen this bike please let me know!

Dave Osterbeck
206.930.3418

I'd hate to make assumptions, and I'm sorry to hear that this person had to be taken away in an ambulance, but since he was coming from Bike Kill I think we do at least have to consider the possibility that he was blind drunk. Also, riding a cyclocross bike with Dura Ace components and an Arione saddle to Bike Kill is kind of like going to see a GG Allin show in a Calvin Klein dress and trying to catch his feces in your Louis Vuitton handbag. Then again, none of this makes the loss of his bike any less tragic. (Well, maybe just a little less tragic.) In any event, if you have any leads give Dave a call, because again, I can't be bothered. Much like the author of this post:

I'm sorry too.

Speaking of cyclocross, I was reading HTATBL recently, where I came upon these:

Now I admire Sacha White's framebuilding skills as much as the next person, but I have to say he really missed the mark here. Not only are these expensive, but they're obviously terrible for racing cyclocross. You've have a hard time even riding a bike in these things, much less dismounting and remounting it at speed. They're not even compatible with clipless pedals! The only use I could possibly see for them is standing around in the mud. And of course you can just as easily do that barefoot for free. (At least that's what I do.)

Indeed, we certainly have grown soft. Whither Alfred Rochefort?

BSNYC Wednesday Fun Quiz!

Firstly, I'm pleased to report that I once again managed to complete my morning commute without scraping my legs on any cars, despite the fact that I took the precaution of wearing a pair of designer jeans as recommended by Men's Health. Secondly, I'm sorry to report that if you're lounging Wednesday style I'm about to kill your buzz, because I've prepared a quiz. As always, read the question and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll know it. If you're wrong you'll see a theft victim's touching lament.

Thanks, good luck, and be sure to tip your proctor.

--BSNYC/RTMS


1) Which professional cyclist is retiring again?

--Lance Armstrong
--Floyd Landis
--Tyler Hamilton
--Eddy Merckx

2) What is this?

--An electric Kestrel
--A lazy dentist's dream
--A sane person's nighmare
--All of the above



3) "For the sport and the longevity of the sport, to wear cool race kit and to make an image for yourself is more important than the odd win here and there." Who said this, and with regard to what?

--Brock Curry of Rock Racing, with regard to his team's flashy kits
--Rachel Atherton, with regard to the UCI's ban on skinsuits in downhill and 4X
--Shanaze Reade, with regard to the UCI's ban on jeans in BMX
--Damjan Zabovnik, with regard to the IHPVA's ban on clown suits in recumbent racing

4) According to the lettering above the rear windshield, this tow truck, "The Originator," spotted by me in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn, is "Fueled by ______":

--Passion
--Ethanol
--Hate
--Cream Cheese




5) Who the hell is this?

--BSNYC
--RTMS
--Some schmuck in an ascot and sport jacket
--All of the above




6) After at least two fixed-gears and an incalculable number of spoke cards, the cycling world has finally run out of ways to express support for Barack Obama:

--True
--False





7) Could this be love at first sight?

--Very possibly
--Probably not




8) Ah, yes, the courtship rituals of the rich. This Seven-riding Pepé Le Pew's quarry may very well have made an appearance on this very blog.

--Very possibly
--Probably not



9) The fixed-gear trend has re-invigorated the eternally fruitless quest to re-invent the bicycle frame.

--True
--False

Mallrats: Where Trends Go To Die

(Unity, by Erik K)

As much as I long for a world in which cyclists and religious people can share the city's roads, even I must admit we have a long way to go. After all, the differences between us run deep--all the way down to the dermis layer of the skin. As we've seen time and time again, tattoos and cycling are inextricably (and indelibly) intertwined. Add to that the compulsion to display that skin without any clothes on it and you're sure to offend the devout:

A reader recently sent me the above image, which would most certainly enrage (and possibly arouse) any orthodox Jew worth his payis. As per my standard practice, I've applied both clothing and a sepia tone for art's sake, though you're perfectly welcome to view the non-sepia and unsafe-for-work version here. In case you can't make out the lettering on the tattoo, it says, "Every car a murder, every bike a love affair," making it perhaps one of the most politically-charged tramp stamps I've ever seen. I'm not sure why she's kneeling at the credenza, but it may have something to do with the dual cassette deck, and I've got a feeling she may be about to engage in a naked and sweaty tape-dubbing session.

Speaking of tattoos and positions, I think it's worth noting that one tattoo operation is currently positioning itself as the Supercuts of tattoo studios. According to the Wall Street Journal (which is shifting to trend reporting since there's no Wall Street anymore) Tattoo Nation in New Jersey is planning to become the first mall-based tattoo chain in the United States (and presumably the world):

The unintentionally sexual implications of a tramp stamp that says "Resilience" notwithstanding, the presence of tattoo studios in America's malls means that the tattoo has now officially become an impulse purchase, and that you'll soon be able to get a knuckle tattoo and a personalized hammock plaque under the same roof. I must admit that, as popular as tattoos have become, I did not see this coming. Of all the reasons I imagined people would become embarrassed about their tattoos, I never imagined one of them would be that other people might think they got it at the mall.

Then again, trends don't end with a bang--they end with a whimper. And the whimpering is the sound they make when they're neutered, packaged, and made readily available for mainstream consumption. Certainly the fate of the tattoo hints at the fate of the fixed-gear, and irreverent bikes like this (spotted by a reader in San Diego) will one day become extinct:

Personally, I feel that a wheel-borne message should be succinct, and so I found this one somewhat vexing. First of all, I'm not sure what "Fuck Nut Huggers" means. Is the rider simply averse to tight pants, or is "Fuck Nut Huggers" a band, like the Squirrel Nut Zippers? I'm also confused by the phrase "Fagget Ass Hipsters." At first I thought maybe it was a misspelling of the pejorative "faggot," but I ruled this out for two reasons: 1) everything else is spelled correctly; and 2) the rider is obviously a hipster himself, as evidenced by the hipster cyst on his headtube (and pretty much everything else about the bike too), so I doubt he'd insult them. And even if he is in fact a gay hipster who is trying to de-fang the slur by owning it, he would have spelled the word correctly. No, it's quite clear to me that he's trying to phonetically convey a "Sopranos"-type accent, and what he's imploring his fellow hipsters to do is to "Forget ass, hipsters." In other words, don't be distracted by tramp stamp-having, tape-dubbing, bare-bottomed sepia models like the one above--just ride your bike instead. (Preferably while listening to the Fuck Nut Huggers.)

I'd also imagine the fixed-gear trend whimpered audibly when this issue of the British Men's Health (forwarded to me by a reader) hit the stands:

In it, they travel to New York City to meet and photograph real, live cyclists like this one:

"I'm all about shirts and jeans. Jeans in the city are key because you're always squeezing through traffic and scraping your legs. I often wear a bandana over my nose and mouth so I don't breathe in all those nasty car fumes. The best advice I can give is to keep your bike clean. No bells, no racks, no breaks [sic], no gadgets."

Oh yeah, that's all great advice. I've been riding in New York City for a long time, but I've never had a problem with scraping my legs in traffic. I suppose this is either because I don't ride hard enough, or because I actually have some degree of spatial intelligence which, combined with handlebars that are actually wider than the distance between my nipples, helps me to determine where I can fit and where I can't. His point is well-taken, though, and I'm sure if I do find myself scraping my legs on cars I'll run right out and buy a pair of Paul Smith jeans. I also agree that you should avoid things like racks and brakes. These things are terrible for cycling in New York City, since they'll conspire to make your bike useful and will detract from the overall non-functionality of your bike. Certainly when you're riding in Paul Smith jeans you wouldn't want something like a fender on your bike. That might help keep them clean. No, you're much better off giving them that distressed look by rubbing them against cars.

But of course as the article below points out, "riding fixed isn't for the faint-hearted." And apparently riding with brakes and a rack is faint-hearted, but riding with a hanky on your face like an Upper East Side dowager walking her poodle so you don't have to experience any nasty smells is not.

In any case, it's good to see more people are using my template.

Yes, you should always be sure to ride with friends. There's nothing lamer than engaging in trendy behavior by yourself. And even more important, make sure you're also wearing $900 in clothing.*

*(Remember that tattoo price should not be included when determining overall outfit cost.)

No Getting Around It: Cycling and Religion Clash Again

Few things are more stressful than awakening on a Monday morning to a full-blown local bike-related civic controversy. And once again, this one involves orthodox Jews and (forgive the simplistic catch-all term which is just too convenient not to use) hipsters in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. You'll recall not too long ago the former group was scandalized by the fact that the latter group was riding through their neighborhood and inflaming Semitic libidos by displaying muffin tops, frayed underwear elastic, tramp stamps, and pale shoulders that have never seen the sun. Well, this time, on nearby Kent Avenue, it seems that during the Sabbath the city changed the parking rules from alternate-side to no standing. The result was that the orthodox Jews were powerless to move their vehicles since they were in the grip of self-imposed Shabbos helplessness, and subsequently they all got parking tickets. And why were these parking rules so wantonly changed? Because the city is installing a bike lane on Kent Avenue--which not only means that they can no longer park their cars there, but that they will also surely be beset by more muffin tops.

You can read a little more about it in the Post, but I learned about it on local cable (yes, I have cable to go along with my hot and cold running water) news channel NY1:



Note how the bystanders in this interview are a perfect cross-section of the neighborhood as it is today. Note also that two members of the Human League were kind enough to take some time out of their busy schedules in order to attend, and that between them they almost have a complete haircut. Most importantly, it was a relatively cool 53 degrees, which prevented the situation from boiling over into a full-scale "Do The Right Thing" style riot.

While the city has rescinded the tickets, the bitterness remains, and it seems unlikely that the tensions between orthodox Jewry and cycling hipsterdom is going to go away anytime soon. And like most disagreements of this nature, the root of the problem is a lack of understanding on both sides. So once again, I feel it is incumbent upon me to put on my Cone of Mediation (it looks like a Cone of Smugness except it's got a picture of Condoleezza Rice taped to it) and try to broker a settlement.

What the orthodox Jews need to understand is that Kent Avenue is a vital part of the Great Hipster Silk Route. The hipster cultural economy depends on the easy flow of hipsters and hipster goods from Williamsburg (represented by Jerusalem) to the remote northeastern region of Astoria, Queens (represented by the Bohemian Hall and Beer Garden, the only place in Queens they know) and the southwestern region of Red Hook, Brooklyn (represented by the Obama Bike, which was photographed in Red Hook). Moreover, hipsters sojourning in all parts of Brooklyn and Queens must be able to travel to and worship in Williamsburg, which is their ancestral home. (At least since the late 1990s.)

(The Great Hipster Silk Route)

If you've ever traveled along the Great Hipster Silk Route, you've doubtless seen hipster caravans on Kent and Flushing Avenues. Like their Bedouin counterparts, they travel slowly in small groups and are often huddled together against the wind, but instead of camels they ride old crappy ten speeds and shoddy Craigslist conversions with wobbly rear wheels and steel rims, their skateboarding helmets crooked on their heads and their messenger bags brimming with dirty clothes as they perform the time-honored ritual known as the "ride of shame."

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "It's 2008. The hipsters can exchange their cultural currency on the internet." Not so. Even today the hipster cultural economy relies heavily on the Great Hipster Silk Route. What happens when a hipster in Red Hook wants a tattoo that can only be obtained in Greenpoint, or a hipster in Long Island City wants to drink with and attempt to mate with a hipster in Clinton Hill, or a hipster in Fort Greene wants to rehearse with his bandmates in Dumbo? And that's to say nothing of the drugs and STDs, both of which are key components of hipster culture and which even today are still not downloadable.

Of course, like a recent Bard graduate this situation swings both ways, and what the hipsters need to understand is that double-parked minivans in the advanced stages of road salt-induced corrosion that perform u-turns suddenly and without warning are as essential to orthodox Jews as riding crappy bikes to crappy bars is to hipsters. In fact, the Talmud sets forth highly specific rules pertaining to the mandatory use of a cellphone while driving, the placement of bumper stickers bearing the likeness of Menachem Schneerson, and the sacred use of a coat hanger in place of an antenna. Also, what may appear to be seriously erratic driving is actually ritual driving, and if you were to watch from above you'd realize they are spelling out Hebrew prayers.

Armed with this knowledge I'm confident that both groups can take at least one more step towards understanding each-other and living in harmony.

I'm way less confident about the economy, though. It's one thing when things like investment banks are suffering; it's something else entirely when it's affecting cyclists directly. A reader recently forwarded me this troubling Craigslist ad:

Colnago Road Bike - $4000 (Upper East Side)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-26, 7:15PM EDT

Beautiful hand crafted frame with a one of a kind paint job, with top of the line gears (dura ace), mavic cosmic elite wheels, computer, carbon fiber seat post and stem, paid $5000 year ago for this bike, economy got me down, have to sell, take advantage, your gain, a sure beauty for any bike collector/enthusiast -- Price is negotiable

It is hard to match the tie-dyed ugliness that is a Colnago, and it's always sad when someone is forced to part with one. Understandably, this particular seller is too distressed to mention small details like frame size and model, though judging from the photographs it's one of the older aluminum ones. These truly are rare bicycles, since most of them broke. Still, it's upsetting to see the economy forcing someone to part with his baby, even if that baby looks like something you might find in a hippie's laundry hamper.

Concerned, I realized I had to take a closer look at the cycling economy--one that looks beyond the PistaDex. As such, I amassed some data in order to determine the current Chris King Headset Composite Index:

Unlike the PistaDex, which is influenced by fashion as much as it is by the economy, the CKHCI is a much more reliable indicator of people's willingness to part with money for used bicycle products. If you're unfamiliar with the Chris King headset, it is a component that retails for about $130. Online retailer Competitive Cyclist says the bearings are made from "surgical grade stainless steel," which is essential if you ever need to smuggle it in a body cavity, and that they "provide an impervious barrier to the worst grit and grime of riding," which makes them ideal for hipsters on the Great Hipster Silk Route since they are usually pretty grimy.

Unfortunately, though, grimy people usually can't afford them, since even used Chris King headsets generally sell for pretty close to what new ones cost. This makes them probably the most conservative investment in the cycling world. Of course, if Chris King headsets start going cheap, you know we're all in trouble. Looking at the data above, you'll note that the average closing price for the six headsets that sold on eBay recently was $89.79, which means that the CKHCI is 89.79. (The CKHCI does not account for variables such as headset color, diameter, or threads or lack thereof, since these rarely affect a headset's cost in the used marketplace.) Generally, I don't grow alarmed or suspicious unless a Chris King headset trades below $70.

The PistaDex in New York City is at 475 right now, which is a bit low but not alarmingly so. And with the nationwide CKHCI hovering at around 90 I'm cautiously optimistic. Together, I sincerely hope we can get through this. So don't go throwing your ugly babies out with the bathwater quite yet.

Bringin' It: Casanovas, Couriers, and Corrections

I'm an interdisciplinary bike racer, and as such I like to perform badly in different areas--kind of like a traveling mime troupe. And one of my favorite areas in which to perform badly is cyclocross. As a participant I certainly bring nothing to the sport, except perhaps cautionary examples. But thanks to the good people at Cyclocross magazine I've been fortunate enough to contribute in other ways because the fourth issue has just come out and I have a few words in it:

These guys have been doing a great job with the magazine, and with the exception of my own small contribution there's a lot of great content here. Also, reading about cyclocross is much easier than doing it (though I do read Cyclocross magazine in a skinsuit while standing in a mudpuddle for the full effect). Best of all, it's way less pretentious than the New Yorker. So check it out.

Speaking of cyclocross, I have been informed that each and every non-UCI entrant in this year's Whitmore's Landscaping Supercross Cup in Southampton, LI on November 22nd and 23rd will receive a free raffle ticket to win a custom Richard Sachs 'cross bike:




At first I took this to mean that every non-UCI registrant would automatically receive a custom Richard Sachs 'cross bike, which impressed even me (not least of all because it would save you the trouble of traveling with a bike), but this is still pretty good. Apparently, "Richard Sachs currently has a seven year backlog for his Signature road frames, and is not currently taking orders from new clients." I guess that's why he hasn't been answering my emails about building me a TIG-welded aluminum dirt jumping frame. Though I suppose it's just as well I can no longer get on Richard Sachs's seven-year wait list, because if this Mogo thing takes off I don't even know if I'll still want a bicycle in seven years. But skipping to the head of the line is a whole other story, and it may even be enough to get me out to Southampton again, despite the fact that it's a bit late in the season to be seen in the Hamptons and in late November I usually weekend in St. Barts.

Moving on, we saw yesterday that the new vehicle of choice for lady-trolling is the recumbent. And a reader informs me that as the sleazy paceline of cycling Casanovas continues to roll, none other than Floyd Landis is taking his turn at the front:

Note the Cone of Smugness just edging itself into the frame as Landis enters yet another woman's digits into his phone thanks to the irresistible draw of his three-wheeled recumbent "chick magnet." (And what woman can resist a 'bent chick magnet?)

But Landis would be well-advised to keep at least one eye on his helmet mirror, because a new generation of velo-playboys is right behind him. Another reader has sent me the following, which is a generous gift to the ladies or an affront to decency, depending upon your own particular sensibilities:

I suggest listening to the proper soundtrack for the full effect:


I also received a gift of my own:

I love you too, Serge Huercio.

But when it comes to excessive and disturbing adulation, nobody receives more than bike messengers. The extent to which certain people romanticize the simple act of riding around a city all day delivering envelopes is truly amazing. Sure, I can see why it has a sort of rogue appeal to people, but once the messenger is elevated to some kind of otherworldly superhero nearly bursting out of his lycra skinsuit (all messengers in New York City wear lycra skinsuits and look like they're dancers for Janet Jackson, of course) some unsettling line has been crossed:

If you've worked either as a messenger or in an office in New York City, you know that messengers do not walk right into people's offices to deliver envelopes. Rather, they leave them in messenger centers or with receptionists. As such, when the messenger in this video walked right into someone's office I feared the door was going to shut and the white-collar worker's "dependence upon the blood and sweat of the bicycle messenger" was going to take a shockingly homoerotic turn. I was also puzzled by the narrator's assertion that messengers "can see up to 15 seconds into the future." This is a bizarre claim. I can only assume he means that they can anticipate traffic and pedestrian patterns, but if so then 15 seconds is an eternity. You'd also think that this clairvoyance would have prevented the male prostitute from getting doored. Then again, maybe I just don't understand messengers--and having just watched that video, I'm not sure I want to. Not that there's anything wrong with that (apart from the illegality of exchanging sex for money). What Pink Thunder Delivery Systems do with their clients behind closed doors is their own business.

This shocking revelation as to the nefarious activities of messengers also sheds new light on this photograph, taken in Washington, D.C. by "Krazygl00:

I can only assume he's a "courier" on his way to a really, really weird bachelorette party.

Meanwhile, our presidential candidates are still using the fixed-gear fad in a transparent attempt to get in touch with the nation's youth. Obama may have "dropped" a second fixed-gear (as we saw yesterday), but nobody's been willing to prove they can actually throw down on the bike. Until now:

This photo from yesterday's comments clearly depicts McCain "killin' it" and proves he does indeed have "mad skillz." It also proves he looks a lot like the Emperor from "Star Wars." Personally, I'd have been even more impressed if he'd pulled this move on the Obama bike. Obama would most assuredly have been "sonned."

Finally, Obama may be about change, but few people have the courage to change a bike that's clearly not suited to its purpose, like this one from the Fixedgeargallery:



That's why I've created the BSNYC Fixed-Gear Korrectorizer to right the frames that man has put asunder:

(BKJimmy)

Sure, it's still somewhat offensive, but at least it doesn't look like it's melting anymore.


Let's see Richard Sachs do that.

In The Air Tonight: Weird Cycling and Bike Love

Cycling has a rich and smarmy history of Casanovas. And when love and bikes collide, it can be difficult to tell the butterflies of excitement from the waves of nausea. Just a few of cycling's more amorous characters over the years have included:

Mario Cipollini, the man who proved you can use the same lube for chain, coiffure, and coitus;

Amir, the lovelorn financier, who considering the state of the economy may by now have lost his shirt (much to the delight of female cyclists everywhere);

And of course Floyd Landis.

If you're a female cyclist and you've somehow managed to elude all the suitors above, I must warn you for chastity's sake that you should not allow yourself to grow complacent. Because there's a new low-riding lothario on the scene, and there's a very good chance you won't see him coming until it's too late and he's already beneath you. That's right, he's on the make--and he's riding a recumbent:

If you're unfamiliar with the recumbent, it's similar to the bicycle in that it has two wheels and it's human-powered, but it's also very different in that you kind of lie down on it. Also, it replaces the saddle with a lounge chair and your dignity with a big gaping hole. This particular fellow is looking for one particular lady, but that doesn't mean the rest of you are safe:

Looking for tour de bronx asian girl - m4w - 30
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-20, 8:27PM EDT

This past sunday ( Oct 19 2008 ) I was volunteering at the Tour de Bronx on my strange looking bike. There is a cute chinese girl riding the 40 mile route. Unfortunately I didn't get your contact info.. That's me on the left and the girl on the right is the one I'm looking for.. ;>

I would like to meet you and get together for lunch/dinner sometime soon.

Our would-be wooer did not get this woman's number, but he did manage to take a photograph of her and post it on Craigslist, which I regard as both putting the recumbent before the horse and just plain creepy. Even creepier is the vantage point of the photo, which is taken from below and suggests that he may have shot her while he was actually riding the recumbent. (Or in flagrante recumbo, as they say in 'bent circles.) I'm sure as he rolled by he assumed a seductive pose and perhaps even reclined imperially:

She's smiling in the photo though, so he must have captured her milliseconds before the look of abject horror crossed her face. Then again, she may have actually been charmed by his recumbence. After all, my own Ironic Orange Julius Bike is a plain old upright, and people only regard me with thinly-veiled disgust. (Though that may be due to my new handlebar accessory.) Perhaps I could curry a bit more favor on a rolling La-Z-Boy.

Clearly, though, freaky and perverse cycling is in the zeitgeist right now. A reader has just informed me that the 2008 Indoor Cycling World Championships is set to begin on Friday in Dornbirn, Austria. As you can see from the official site, "artistic cycling" is just one of the disciplines you can find there. There's also Radball, which is to bike polo what artistic cycling is to fixed-gear freestyling, and which should not be confused with either Madballs, Madball, or my new handlebar accessory. Best of all, it looks like there will also be live music of some kind:

I don't know who these guys are, but they're probably the Austrian Madball. In any case, it's exciting. And with the UCI overseeing things, you can be sure that the drug restrictions will be even tighter than the unitards.

But when it comes to the zeitgeist, the only scent heavier than that of freaky and perverse cycling is that of Obama-themed fixed-gears. Just a week after the last one comes another:

Fashion-based fixed-gears aren't always the best transportation vehicles, but they make excellent marketing vehicles. And among fans of fixed-gear fashion the Obama brand is almost as hot as Nitto and Sugino. (Thanks at least in part to his "youth marketing agency.") I was especially moved to see that the designer, Tristan Eaton, is a "vinyl toy designing auteur," because if there's two things toy designers know it's bicycles and politics. This should catapult Obama right into the White House and the rider right into an oncoming car.

In the interest of fairness though I'd love to see Eaton design another bike for McCain. Then he could really use those toy-designing chops. He could even incorporate a few Madballs.

Curlicues: The End of Straight-Ahead Cycling?

Firstly, you may recall I recently mentioned 3T's carbon fiber Funda road fork, mostly because I couldn't figure out what the name meant and it provided me with an opportunity to make a juvenile pun. Well, I was pleasantly surprised to receive a friendly email from 3T Chairman and CEO Rene Wiertz, who not only touted the reasonable price, racing pedigree, and ride quality of his product like a proud parent, but also informed me that "Funda" actually means "slingshot," as in David and Goliath. I was especially grateful for that bit of information, since in that context it's quite a sensible name for a fork, and I only wish more CEOs would email me and clue me in on their nomenclature. Maybe next Ernesto Colnago can tell me why the CX-1 is a road bike and not a cyclocross bike.

Secondly, after yesterday's post, I was also pleased to hear from none other than fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly, who made a couple of noteworthy points. One of these is that he feels a fixed-gear drivetrain is a "driver for tricks" that he says would not be possible on a BMX. Another is that he likes the fact that he can use a single bike for tricks, commuting, alleycat racing, and riding to the store to purchase new flat-brim caps (I made that last one up), whereas a small-wheeled trick bike is pretty much only suited to being a trick bike.

Though I'm generally a proponent of the "right tool for the right job" philosophy, I must admit his second point about simplification is a good one. Why have a whole bunch of bikes with highly specific uses when you can have all different types of fun on just one? In fact, I was so inspired I decided to attempt some tricks on one of my own non-trick bikes yesterday. I thought about using my fixed-gear, but I ride a Tokyo edition Langster and I was afraid to scratch it. So I surveyed my vast stable and narrowed it down to my two Trek Madones, ultimately choosing my Madone 6.9 over my Madone 6.9 Pro because the regular 6.9 has the "performance fit," and I figured the taller headtube would be better for stunting. Confident I'd made a wise choice, I suited up in my vintage Linda McCartney kit and headed to Prospect Park for some "sessioning."

I decided to warm up by doing something easy. Of course, when it comes to tricks my play book is pretty old, so I locked up my front SRAM Red brake (awesome stopping power and modulation, by the way), popped a little endo, then rocked onto the back wheel where I planned to stand on my rear pegs and just kind of hop around giddily for awhile. Unfortunately, I forgot that while my Madone 6.9 is equipped with an OCLV carbon frame, a SRAM Red 10-speed component group, and a pair of Bontrager XXX Lite carbon fiber wheels, it is not equipped with rear pegs. Instead, my right foot found my SRAM Red rear derailleur, and my left foot found my quick release lever, and neither was able to support my weight. Consequently, I simultaneously opened my quick release and sent my rear derailleur right into my paired spokes. For the first time in my life, I wished I had had a pie plate. However, in retrospect it may be a good thing I didn't since the derailleur was the only thing that kept the rear wheel from ejecting completely. At any rate, it was pretty sick, and even though I didn't land the trick I plan to post a video as soon as I pick the right Obituary song and figure out how to use Vimeo.

I can only speculate as to whether I'd have been more successful on a fixed-gear, or if my trick would have been any more impressive. But in response to my remark yesterday that I have yet to see a fixed-gear trick that truly impressed me, a reader forwarded me the following video which he feels is impressive regardless of what kind of bike it's performed on:

He also points out that this video dates all the way back to 2006, and that the rider is conservatively attired and not surrounded by a bunch of hip spectators, which he feels makes the trick all the more endearing in that it's somewhat outside the context of the current fixed-gear freestyle trend. I see his point, and I'm sure by now with skills like this the rider has left the urban fixed-gear world behind and has since joined the heady world of "artistic cycling." My guess is he's moved to Europe where he's being mentored by some heavyset, chainsmoking, eastern European coach and that he's become a member of the fabled "sequined peloton." Either that, or he's touring the world with a one-man stage show, like this guy:

In a sense Serge Huercio is the ultimate expression of the "fixster" in that his clothes and his tricks are an ultra-refined version of "fixter" culture.  Kind of like what "Hair" was to dirty hippies, or what "Rent" was to grunge or Gen-Xers or proto-hipsters or whatever the hell they were.  When a fixed-gear freestyle musical finally comes to Broadway, I think we know who will star.  In the spirit of one-word titles, I hope it's called "Pants."

Of course, fans of small-wheeled stunting bicycles may take offense to Prolly's assertion that they are not useful as transportation.  Another reader informs me that someone is currently riding backwards across the United States in order to raise awareness of homelessness, HIV/AIDS, and medical marijuana.  And as you can see, he appears to be doing it on a BMX:

Between fixed-gear freestyling and this, it just goes to show that simply riding straight ahead in a forward fashion is totally over.  Moreover, it also proves that when you have a just cause, a BMX bike, and some potent medical marijuana you can accomplish anything.  

Happy Wednesday.

From the BSNYC Culture Desk: Trickery

Recently I was watching TV (while duly clad in my lounging smock, of course) when I came upon "Rising Son," a documentarty about the skater Christian Hosoi:

Now, I must confess that there was a period in my youth when I did ride the wheeled board. Furthermore, it was during a time when Hosoi and his contemporaries were at their most popular, and while they were pushing the limits of just how high you could go on a skateboard (and, it turns out, just how high you could get while off of one), the companies they promoted were pushing the limits of how much crap they could sell you. A skateboard is pretty much just a wooden deck with a pair of trucks and some wheels on it, and you'd think it would be hard to convince people to buy accessories for the skateboard itself. But somehow they also managed to sell people things like plastic rails and tail protectors and nose protectors and truck protectors and multicolored risers to bold under the trucks and even little plastic covers for the rear truck designed to allow you to ride up curbs more easily. If you were foolish and dorky enough to put all of these things on your board at once your skateboard was vastly more protected than you were and looked like the board itself was ready to enter a roller derby.

In any case, firmly in nostalgia's grip, I kept watching. If you don't know what happened to Christian Hosoi I'd hate to spoil the ending, but I'll just say that he had it all, then he lost it all, then he went to jail, and then that thing that happens to everybody in jail happened to him. (No, not that thing--I mean he got religious.) I recognized many of the people interviewed from the magazines of my youth, when I'd stare at pictures of people like Natas Kaupas ollying over life-sized plastic cows or whatever, and I'd imagine California as this endless landscape of backyards with empty pools (apparently nobody in California put water in their pools), and palm trees, and banked walls, and ramps, and life-sized plastic cows begging to be ollied. I on the other hand lived in New York, where the sidewalks were covered with ice half the year, and by the time I went to Washington Square Park to skate on those asphalt mounds the city had covered them in some kind of rubbery material and I looked and felt like I was trying to trudge through a flood of maple syrup.

But while I may have blamed my environment for making skating difficult, the truth is I wasn't very good at it. The same went for freestyle BMX, which I also wasn't especially good at. The people in the magazines always seemed to be floating, but I never felt like I was floating when I was doing tricks on skateboards or bikes. I always felt kind of stuck to the ground (even when it wasn't covered with rubber), and especially when it came to freestyle BMX I was also very concerned about hurting my crotch. (Which is why I could never do a cherrypicker.) On the other hand, racing BMX did give me that sensation of flight, and that's the direction I ultimately went, though I have no intention of purchasing either of the PK Rippers currently on offer on Craigslist here in New York City (not least of which because "PK Ripper" sounds like the name of a villain in a horror movie about a killer plastic surgeon or something):

Obviously people still do tricks on skateboards and on bikes--in fact it's probably more popular than ever--though it's been awhile since I've concerned myself with it.  However, I was perusing trackosaurusrex recently (where the tricks are usually performed on "track" bikes) and unexpectedly came upon this video:

VIMBY - Lotek SF Mixtape Teaser

After all those videos of fixed-gear freestyling I forgot that bike tricks can actually seem kind of fluid and graceful when performed on bikes with small wheels that coast.  Even if you're not particularly interested in that type of riding nor the sneakers and t-shirts that type of riding is often used to promote, you've probably been impressed by something someone did on a BMX at least once.  In any case, it's in stark contrast, to, say, this (also from trackosaurusrex):

The Hammer from Laali on Vimeo.

I realize the practitioners of fixed-gear freestyling feel as though they are pioneering a new sport, and I certainly acknowledge the fact they can do a lot of stuff I can't do.  However, companies are already selling pre-built fixed-gear freestylers but I have yet to see anybody do anything on a fixed-gear bike that made me say, "Holy crap!"  And believe me, I'm waiting.  Sure, I know they're still working on it, and sure, someone may very well have that "I think I'll ride a skateboard in an empty pool" moment of brilliance.  But right now it just seems like people are doing tricks on bikes very poorly suited for tricks (even with the advent of things like this), and that strikes me as being recalcitrant rather than innovative.  Even noted fixed-gear freestyler and architect Prolly, the Malcolm McLaren of fixed-gear freestyling, has yet to make it seem exciting:




Perhaps I'm just jaded, but when I turn down the loud guitar music I just see some guys riding in circles.  Sure, they can handle their bikes, but watching them they look the way I used to feel when I used to do tricks--stuck to the ground.  There's just not that speed and fluidity that made skating and BMX seem exciting to me, and that I can still see when I watch it today.

Apocalyptic rumblings aside, it will be interesting to see where all this goes.  The trendiness of fixed-gear bicycles is bound to wane eventually, but as a means of transport they'll obviously stick around.  Even if people stop buying stuff like this:

As for tricks on fixed-gear bikes, though, that's harder to say.  I suppose that depends on some degree on innovation.  At present, fixed-gear freestylers seem to be mining the past--they're doing BMX-based tricks while wearing clothes from skateboarding's heyday.  There's also a "meh" factor--while certain tricks may be impressive because the rider pulled them off on a fixed-gear with 700c wheels, they're not intrinsically impressive.  Then again, I suppose they have made some progress, as you can see here:

After all, they're filming themselves in color now.

Anywhere, Anytime: Cycling and Mobility

Recently, while going about my business on the Ironic Orange Julius Bike, I encountered the following disturbing sight:


Yes, that is a bicycle with a scooter attached to it like a shark with a pilot fish on it. I'm not sure if the bicycle is a fixed-gear or just a singlespeed because I was too afraid to approach lest the scooter leap onto me. The only conclusion I can draw from this (apart from the possibility that an untreated "hipster cyst" might eventually grow into a full-scale "scooter tumor") is that this rider is part of some kind of elite urban strike force. I'm not sure why such a strike force would exist nor what master they would serve. Most likely it's an extremely specialized unit of the NYPD equipped for maximum maneuverability in trendy neighborhoods. I would imagine that a strike force like this could operate quite efficiently, in that they could pursue the more gentrified criminals both in the streets as well as on crowded sidewalks. Should some new breed of arch hipster criminal attempt to evade the police by, say, disappearing into an American Apparel dressing room or slipping into the Apple Store and nonchalantly playing with the widgets on a MacBook Pro, this strike force would be able to swiftly pursue and apprehend him.

I'm guessing the new NYPD Gentrification Strike Force has different specialists as well. In additon to the fixed-gear/scooter combination seen above, BMX/skateboard and flatbar road bike/rollerblade would also be very effective depending upon the demographics of the particular neighborhood. There's probably even an amphibious triathlete unit that could pursue criminals attempting to flee by water. An amphibious triathlete officer probably drives an unmarked Saab SUV or similar vehicle with a Swim/Bike/Run (a.k.a. "Dork/Dork/Dork") decal on it and a Guru with aerobars on the roof rack. (Actually, a roof rack would be a dead giveaway, since no real triathlete could possibly operate one. Trunk rack is more like it.) Just imagine how simultaneously thrilling and dorky it would be to watch as the amphibious triathlete officer chases some Upper West Side gentrifugitive in a Mini Cooper S up the Henry Hudson Parkway. After shooting out the Mini's run-flats, the fugitive would then attempt to flee on foot, at which point the officer would hop on the Guru. Then, naturally, the fugitive would leap into the Hudson river and attempt to swim to Jersey--only to find the mankini-clad officer right behind him, his biceps glistening with slimy pollution. ("NYPD" would be scrawled on them with magic marker too, of course.) The TV drama series practically writes itself. And depending on how you feel about triathletes, your dinner may practically regurgitate itself as well.

But let's be honest--part of the bicycle's appeal is its swift mobility. What cyclist hasn't fantasized about living in some kind of Apocalyptic wasteland with only his bicycle and his wits to keep him alive? Who wouldn't want to live in some sort of real-life "Red Dawn" and carry out guerilla attacks on bicycles under Patrick Swayze's capable leadership? Well, probably very few people, and I suppose that's why cyclocross is still not that popular.

(Post-Apocalyptic "Red Dawn" Cyclocross Strike Force bikes ready for mobilization. Blue will be effective camoflage in a radioactive future.)

If you were actually in a "Red Dawn" scenario and you needed to assemble a bicycle strike force, you'd probably want a bunch of cyclocrossers. Unfortunately, though, we're not in a "Red Dawn" scenario (at least until the economy finishes collapsing and we all need to boil and eat our SIDIs to stay alive) so right now cyclocross is still just a relatively small group of masochists running around in fields while wearing skinsuits.

Sure, it’s becoming increasingly popular, but the fact is it’s still very much a grassroots sport. And "grassroots" is just another word for "illegitimate." Certainly, the cycling world (at least the part of the cycling world that tries to sell you stuff) would like to see cyclocross legitimized. And as a fan of commerce, I'm here to help. Because let's face it--there’s a lot that could be done to refine cyclocross and make it more attractive to new participants. Chief among them:

Better Courses

The biggest mistake organizers of cyclocross races make is in venue choice and course layout. Local parks can be pleasant to congregate in, but they also often contain elements like grass, mud and sand. These are discouraging to riders and serve only slow them down. Furthermore, too many organizers lack the resources and manpower to clear their courses of obstacles and debris. These obstacles are often severe enough to require participants to dismount their bicycles. And there’s absolutely no reason a rider should be forced to dismount his bicycle in a bike race.

Tips for course layout:

1) Stick To The Pavement

Roads and paved paths are optimum surfaces on which to ride quickly. Furthermore, this will better enable racers to ride together and draft off of one-another, a technique which can save a racer tremendous amounts of energy (as Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen will remind you every 30 seconds during the Tour de France). This will also encourage exciting group sprints instead of the staggered finishes we see all too often in today’s cyclocross races. Just think—on a well-designed cyclocross course a smart rider who spends the entire race in another rider’s slipstream could suddenly emerge victorious. It would be like watching Cadel Evans, except with a win at the end. Now that’s exciting!

2) Minimize Turns

Turns slow racers down, and the sharper the turn the slower the racers must go. Would you water your lawn with a kinked garden hose? Certainly not! So why impede your racers with a twisty course? Remember—these races are timed, and faster courses mean more laps! And more is always better.

3) Easy Is Better

The best way to boost participation in an activity is to make sure everybody who participates feels like they can win. That’s why road racing is so popular. There’s nothing more thrilling than riding in a huge pack of people, each of whom is convinced victory can be theirs as long as they avoid doing any actual work until the last 15 seconds of the race. On the other hand, a race in which the strongest people win consistently means the less strong people (and that’s everyone else) won’t want to participate. This is a real problem. Would you play the lottery if only the same four or five people won every week? Of course you wouldn’t. So why would you organize a race that way? Sure, you might have people who come out and race because it’s “fun,” but “fun” is frivolous and if you’ve followed the previous two tips your race is no longer fun. Indeed, it's essential to give people the impression they're just some expensive upgrades and a little wheelsucking away from victory. This is crucial to the growth of the industry and the sport.

Fortunately, there are growth signs. Like the fact that $318 cantilever brakes are now considered "surprisingly reasonable."

And the fact that cantilever brakes are once again hot, hot, hot! means that I'm one step closer to getting funding for my new publishing venture:

Heel Clearance Magazine

The magazine dedicated to minimizing contact between the heel of your foot and your bicycle’s frame and components.

Features include:

"Cantilever Brakes: How Wide Is Too Wide?"

"Curved Stays: The Bend Is Your Friend"

"Crank Arm Heel Rub Scuffs: Minor Cosmetic Blemish, or Harbinger of Death?"

"Annals of Float: 500 More Reasons Why Speedplays Suck"

"Cankles and Q-Factor: One Rider’s Quest For a Friction-Free Pedal Stroke in a World of Ever-Narrowing Bottom Bracket Spindles"

Now that's exciting reading.

From The BSNYC Culture Desk: Art and Transience

I strongly believe it is of the utmost importance to feed your soul. Though I've joked in the past that I don't have a soul, the truth is that I do, but it's badly undernourished, highly distrustful of other souls, and generally Kafkaesque. As such, I decided to attempt to feed this horrible thing that lives within me by going to look at art. Fortunately, there was an art opening convenient to me last night, and it just happened to feature the works of none other than Stevil Kinevil of HTATBL. So I shook the cookie crumbs out of my chicken suit, donned my art-seeing smock, straddled the Ironic Orange Julius Bike, and headed over to the gallery.

My stray dog of a soul and I both enjoyed Stevil's art very much, and my soul remarked that Stevil's stuff makes the work of Oskar Kokoschka look like a bunch of Bazooka Joe comics. I have no idea what that means, but I do know if you're in New York City you should swing by and check it out since it's up until November 15th. It's at a place called InvisibleNYC, which also offers tattooing. This was extremely convenient, because it gave me an opportunity to have some ink applied subcutaneously to my knuckles. I chose my own unique spin on the popular LOVE/HATE sentiment:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

I think that splits it neatly down the middle. No way I'll regret getting that.

My knuckles still stinging, I began to contemplate the search for fulfillment. Looking at art can be fulfilling, but that fulfillment can be fleeting (and alliterative). Then again, art can be spiritually nourishing in a longer lasting way as well, and its effects can sometimes be felt long after the art is visible. You don't need to own it to enjoy it. Tattoos, on the other hand, (or in my case, on both my hands) are "permanent" (at least in the sense that they'll be on you until you die or lose the limb to which they've been applied), but really it's the acquisition of the tattoo that many people find attractive, and that thrill is also fleeting. And of course, in the case of cycling, the act can be spiritually nourishing as well. But for many, again it's the acquisition of the bicycle that is most thrilling, and once the chase is over sometimes the disillusioned owner simply grows bored with his catch, like a housecat who has no interest in the mouse once he's killed it. It's possible that's what's happening here:

Bob Jackson Track Frame and Fork Campagnolo Fixie Bicycle - $675 (East Village)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-14, 3:41PM EDT

I recently purchased this bike but realized I just didn't have a need for such a nice frame.

I am the Third owner and the bike was custom built about 3 years ago. The angles are steep compared to Bob Jackson Cycles "off the peg" frames. Tubing is Reynolds 631. The rear seat stays and chain stays were upgraded to Reynolds 725 tubing. Lugs are Shen Long Point and have subtle silver outlining around them. Frame has very high bottom bracket so pedal strike can be avoided. Rear geometry is tight making the bike super responsive.

Make note: this auction is for the FRAME/FORK/Headset only.

The pictures of the bike build up is just to show the tight clearances and potential buildup for this bike

The fork/rear bridge is not drilled for brakes. If you wish to put a brake on it please purchase a kierin brake.

DO NOT DRILL THIS BIKE- IF YOU CANT RIDE IT DON'T BUY IT!

Paint is nice light green metallic. There are small paint chips on the fame, mostly on the drive side seatstay/chain stay. I tried to take pictures but they're pretty subtle and are practicaly invisible if you put a lil carwax on there. No dents, dings.

Included is a Campagnolo Record 1" threaded headset already installed.
Measurements:
seat tube, 58cm center to top, so probably 56.5cm center to center.
top tube, 56cm center to center
Head angle of 74.5*, seat angle of 74*, fork rake 30mm.

Could it be that once the seductress was finally willing to sleep with him she was no longer seductive? Or could it simply be that he understands the fleeting nature of material possessions, and that he is simply re-realeasing this one into the ownership continuum? Personally, I suspect the first scenario, since if it were the second he really wouldn't care if somebody drilled it. (Just as, if you're truly finished with a seductress, you really shouldn't care if somebody drills her either.) I don't understand why some people set all kinds of criteria for potential owners to meet when they sell a bike. If you care that much about it, keep it. And if you're prepared to let it go, just let it go. If you buy a bike from me, once you've handed over the cash you can feel free to whip out the Makita and fill it full of holes like you're overthrowing a Latin American country and the bike is El Presidente. Just sweep up the filings when you're done.

After all, just because you don't feel your bike should be used a certain way doesn't mean someone else can't use it that way once you're done with it. If you want to chop up your handlebars and use them to make really bad music (as I observed in this link, forwarded by a reader) then you should go right ahead (as long as I'm safely out of earshot):


Mark Growden plays the handlebars from Doctor Popular on Vimeo.

In fact, I recently purchased a used Specialized Langster Seattle edition, and by drilling a series of strategically-placed holes in it, blowing through it, and banging on it, I was able to produce this stirring piece of music. And to his credit, the previous owner made no attempts to stop me. In fact, he really seemed to enjoy it and even joined in on percussion.

Indeed, I'd like nothing more than to relieve myself of all my material possessions and free myself from the pain that attachment to them causes. Unfortunately, I've been unable to do that, since I'm not prepared to miss out on all that TV. And I suppose it's my LOVE/HATE (or WHAT/EVAH) relationship with materialism that has kept me from making any significant attempts at merchandising, though truth be told I have flirted with it. I've even gone so far as to make up some prototype pieces of BikeSnobNYC merchandise:

The BSNYC/RTMS Pretentiousness Kit

Yes, the BSNYC/RTMS Pretentiousness Kit has all you need to be unbearably pretentious. It contains:

--One BSNYC/RTMS 100% Cotton Art-Seeing Smock

--One Edgar Allan Poe bobblehead

--One copy of the Riverside Chaucer (extra-pretentious Middle English edition)

--One Werner Herzog DVD

(Ottoman not included.)

Sadly, this ensemble will not be offered for sale, as my cost was very high and I'm just not comfortable asking anyone to pay US$975 (or €25) for this kit in today's economy. So I scrapped the idea. I scrapped this idea too:

The BSNYC/RTMS Wednesday Afternoon Recreation Kit

--One BSNYC/RTMS 100% Cotton Wednesday Afternoon Lounging Smock

--One BSNYC/RTMS high-performance water pipe

--One "Pootie Tang" DVD

(Recreational herbs not included.)

This package too simply proved too expensive. Firstly, the 3M Scotchguard treatment on the smock alone cost a fortune. (I cannot in good conscience sell a lounging smock that is susceptible to damage due to high-performance water pipe misuse or recreational herb-induced narcolepsy.) Secondly, even though the recreational herbs are not included, there are still laws against these things, as Tommy Chong found out. Thirdly...well I forget. But "Pootie Tang" is really funny.

So you can rest assured that, after toying with these prototypes (some of them repeatedly), the world will be spared from additional merchandising attempts. Consider that my contribution to enlightenment. It's just less crap to buy.

Fixed Election: Bikes, Politics, and the Apocalypse

Numerous readers have pointed out that I am a poor photographer, and I readily acknowledge that. However, the reason people call me a bad photographer is because of the poor quality of my photographs, and that's where I disagree with them. To truly understand how bad a photographer I am, you have to know about all the photo opportunities I've missed. Because really, the first step towards being a good photographer is having a camera on you, and this is something I have yet to master. And the latest missed photo opportunity occurred yesterday, when I observed a group of four cyclists riding down 7th Avenue in Manhattan in the middle of the afternoon, blowing whistles and carrying giant banners that read "Obey Jesus or Perish!"

As a bicycle blogger, these are the moments you live for, yet sadly I was sans camera. Verily, it was the theological equivalent of an "All You Haters Suck My Balls" ride, and I missed my opportunity to capture it in pixels. Also, it was doubly significant in that it very well could be a sign of the dreaded Fixed Gear Apocalypse. For later on I also learned from a fellow blogger of the existence of an alternate version of this very blog:

First off, I'd like to assure you that I have nothing at all to do with "bikesnobnyc.blogpsot.com," nor do I even know what a "blogpsot" is, and that if I did feel compelled to proselytize people I'd at least be candid about it. As it is, I'm more than happy to let people continue worshipping false idols, coveting their neighbors' wives, eating cheeseburgers, adjusting themselves in confessionals, and foffing off with abandon. However, I'd be foolhardy to come across both a Jesus-themed bike procession and a Jesus-themed website based on my own website on the same day without at least considering the possibility that we may be staring down both nostrils of the Apocalypse. And when a third sign comes and it's as horrifying as this one in Milwaukee(forwarded by a reader), I think it's time to sound the Apocalyptic Alarm:

fixed gear gold and black - $800 (hartford)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-05, 1:48PM CDT

frame: takara 58cm tapped with waterbottle cage holes/mounts fork: chromo road bike fork...much less rake than the old road bikes had but not as straight as a track fork stem: alloy dia-comp road stem bars: takara road
bar tape: brooks black leather with brooks wooden bar ends...retails for $80.. planet bike gel under tape.

headset: shimano sealed ultegra

seat: brooks b17 special black with copper

cranks: super maxy 170 mm alloy

bb: sealed tange square taper

chainring: bmx 46t with alloy chain ring bolts

pedals: mks track with mks stainless steel toe cages

chain: kmc bmx gold

rims: 700c volocity deep v limited edition 32h front 36h rear

spokes: wheelsmith- radial in the front, 3x in the rear

hubs: surley with a surley lock ring and dura-ace 15t cog with chrome chain guard.

skewer: front a rasta salsa

tires: michilin

computer: trek insite 8i wireless

this was professionaly built with no expence spared. Shop maintained. Rides very smooth. All my friends with fixies that ride mine cant believe how smooth everything is compared to theirs. Please serious buyers only.


Oh yeah, that's a pie plate on a fixed gear:


Indeed, it says in the Bible that "there shall come a fixed gear gold and black, and it shall come bearing a pie plate, although spoke protection be not necessary on a fixed gear, and that those who ride this fixed gear will not believe how smooth everything is compared to theirs. There shall then be great gnashing of gears, and rending of garments, and renting of tuxedos, and valve stems too short to protrude through rims, and pant cuffs caught in drivetrains for a thousand years." At least, that's what it says in my copy. I don't remember chapter and verse, but it's somewhere towards the back with the recipes.

Can nothing protect us?

(erik k)

Alas, times are so bleak that people are using fixed-gear bicycles to promote presidential candidates:

I'm not especially political, and I'd hardly presume to endorse a candidate. However, I will say that regardless of who you're planning to vote for, you should be grateful that this bike is one of a kind, and that as such you're extremely unlikely to ever see it in person. I'd also say that the Obama campaign would be wise to bury this embarrassing bicycle as soon as possible, lest it come back to haunt him like Jeremiah Wright. Those Obama spoke cards were bad enough.

But instead of burying it, there are signs that the Obama campaign may simply be going with it instead. This poster was forwarded to me by a reader, and I have absolutely no doubt it's legitimate and Obama-approved:

He's even making moves to appeal to the women's road bike segment. A reader informs me that there's a new Orbea model that may in fact be a subliminal advertisement for the democrat:

Not to be outdone, John McCain has jumped into the fixie fray as well. Except he's not going for that savior-coming-down-from-the-heavens de-venomized Leni Riefenstahl cloud thing Obama seems to be going for above. Instead, as a big fan of the "town hall" meeting format, he's simply takin' it to the streets:

(BKJimmy)

Unfortunately for him, though, the potential for embarrassment is immeasurable.

Shades of Marketing: The Art of Salesmanship

Marketing is a subject that comes up frequently on this blog, and I'm often critical of manufacturers' attempts to get people to purchase their products. However, while I may find certain marketing ploys distasteful or objectionable, the fact is that even I am susceptible to marketing. We all are. As long as there are people offering goods in exchange for compensation, they will seek ways to bring those goods to our attention. And as consumers, we differ not on whether or not we believe in marketing, but rather on what our threshold for marketing is. Sure, I stop well short of getting corporate logos tattooed on myself, but I do see advertisements for products and, based on the way they are presented to me in the advertisement, sometimes even purchase those products. For me, a marketing campaign becomes offensive when I feel as though I am being duped or distracted rather than being informed, and I think the point at which you feel you are being duped determines your marketing threshold.

Of course, it took seeing a sales pitch completely bereft of marketing to make me realize that not only am I susceptible to marketing, but that I actually miss it when it's not around. It turns out the only thing scarier than marketing is the absence of marketing. Here is the video that sparked this revelation for me, which is sort of an infomercial for the Oso Bike:



I think you'll agree with me that the one thing this video could have used (apart from a warning about not operating heavy machinery after watching) is, well, a script. Sure, we're all sick of phrases like "laterally stiff yet vertically compliant" and "telepathic handling," but you've got to admit even those hoary descriptors are more evocative and less jarring than phrases like "teardrop-shaped bars" with regard to the frame tubes, "they also feel very well when you're riding it" with regard to the handlebars," and "it pedals very easily because of the way the tires are" with regard to the tires and the overall ride quality.

Granted, I can understand why Oso Bike proprietor Shane Stock might have been tempted to work without a script. When you've got the sort of natural charisma he has--the kind that simply bursts forth despite your best efforts to contain it, like love handles over the waistline of a tight pair of jeans--you figure you can just be the waterfall and the camera can be the bucket. But the truth is even Marlon Brando and Francis Ford Coppola had a difficult time working that way in "Apocalyse Now." And for all his raw magnetism, I'm sorry to say Shane Stock is no Brando. (Though the camerawork does evoke Coppola at times.)

In the interest of full disclosure, I will say that, while it was a reader that first brought this video to my attention, I did not elect to mention Oso Bikes here until I also received an email from Shane Stock himself. However, I assue you that I have accepted no compensation of any kind in exchange for mentioning Oso Bikes. I have not taken money, I have not been given an Oso, and I have certainly not partaken in any of the debauchery Shane Stock is famous for--and that includes attending any of his famously ribald, psilocybin-and-Red-Bull-fueled fortnightly hot tub parties. (The deck behind Shane's house is the Studio 54 of the cycling world. If only that pressure-treated lumber could talk, it would tell stories about David Duchovny, Grant Petersen, and Fat Cyclist that would send you reeling.)

No, I only mention Oso Bikes because I would like to see Shane Stock take his rightful place at the table along with other industry pioneers such as Gary Fisher, Mike Sinyard, and, well, Grant Petersen. (Though I don't think Grant will be sitting at any tables after last week's hot tub party. He's probably still in detox.) One way to do this would be to delve deeper into Stock's heady days as a student in the 70s, when he came up with the idea for the Oso and which he only alludes to in the film. He needs to take us on his journey of discovery, and perhaps even dramatize the "Eureka" moment when he started stripping parts off his 10-speed after a few bong hits. More importantly, he's got to employ some catchy slogans. "Oso--it's O-so sexy!" comes immediately to mind. He's got a pretty decent idea here--a cheap bike with a coaster brake that looks like a fixed gear--but he's not selling the "sizzle." In fact, the burner's not even on and he's just got a slab of raw meat sitting in the pan.

Shane Stock would do well to look to Tyler Hamilton, who successfully underwent an image makeover from innocent paperboy to slightly older paperboy trying to look tough while still delivering papers:

VeloNews recently published a hard-hitting interview with Tyler, in which I presume he tells all, though I couldn't make the time to read it. (My collection of vintage Colorado Cyclist catalogs is not going to organize itself.) But one thing I did read was this:

"I think I’ve just relaxed a bit, in general. I’m not trying to be a rebel or anything. I’ve always enjoyed having a bit longer hair, not so high and tight. And Michael Ball has allowed me to feel that way, to relax a bit, grow some shag, wear some glasses you want to wear. "

A-ha! The glasses! So that's what this was all about. Tyler just wanted to wear some cool Prada sunglasses. They're sort of his "Rosebud," except unlike Charles Foster Kane he got to put them on before he died. It's heartwarming, really. (Though the part about growing shag concerns me--I never would have pegged Tyler for a marijuana farmer.)



Actually, designer sunglasses could be the answer for Shane Stock as well. That Oso infomercial would have had an entirely different feel if he'd been wearing a pair of giant overpriced celebutard shades. I'm even wearing a pair as I type. I can't really see anything, but I already feel much better about myself. Instant charisma, and totally funda.

Ridin' Dirty: The Sordid Side of Cycling

(The Cosmic Kurt Loder, by Erik K)

As I wrote yesterday, choosing a road bike component group is no simple process, and making a commitment of that magnitude calls for introspection and soul-searching. After all, you're pretty much married to this stuff until the manufacturer releases a newer version, which means you could be riding it for as long as four years. Only slightly less daunting is fork selection, mainly because you've got to consider things like rake and trail. I'm not going to explain rake and trail here because they're very complicated, but the short version is that "rake" refers to the fork's resistance to chatter (if you've ever raked leaves on an irregular surface you know that rakes can be very chattery) and "trail" refers to how the fork handles on a trail (which is why you want no trail on a road bike and lots of trail on a mountain bike). Fortunately, though, manufacturers also provide their forks with catchy names, so if you don't understand rake and trail as well as I do you can just pick the one that sounds the best. And the one that sounds the best to me is the 3T Funda.


I like the "Funda" name not only because it starts with "fun," but also because it sounds like someone from the movie "Sexy Beast" saying "thunder." Consequently, the name is simultaneously inviting and foreboding, and I find that combination beguiling. Furthermore, I utilized a popular search engine to see if the word "funda" actually means anything, and it does. It even has an alternate slang meaning: "awesome." This came as a bit of a surprise to me as I've never heard anybody refer to something as being "totally funda," but I have no reason to doubt this is correct because the internet's fact-checking department certainly wouldn't have let it slip through if it wasn't.

So taken was I with the "Funda" that I resolved to install (or "retrofit) one on my new Carbonara with the Secret Website/Modolo group. However, I was dismayed to find it was well out of my price range.  Luckily, word from Interbike is that 3T will be introducing a less expensive version of the Funda for 2009:

(Frumunda spy shots by BKJimmy)

The Frumunda will come in both a standard and a "Pro" version, and like it's big brother the Funda it will be asymmetrical because "the front end is also susceptible to aerodynamic turbulence so it’s critical to optimize the airflow here." Indeed, airflow (or lack thereof) is what determines the shape, mass, and consistency of the Frumunda. Consequently, 3T engineers reportedly spent thousands of hours in a wind tunnel with the Frumunda, though they always took great pains to remain on the windward side of it. Technical details still haven't been released, so if you're wondering about things like Frumunda rake and Frumunda trail you're going to have to wait and see. Also, I didn't bother to popular search engine "frumunda" to see if it means anything, but I'm assuming it's just another made-up marketing term and that some focus group spent a long time brainstorming in a hot room at 3T headquarters until Frumunda just sort of materialized.

They also wisely made sure the name had eight letters to make it knuckle tattoo-compatible:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Of course, being a cycling blogger isn't only about staying abreast of the latest products. It's also about keeping an eye out for those moments when cycling pops up in the culture at large. And, thanks to an alert (and possibly aroused) reader, I recently learned that road cycling has once again made a cameo in the sordid world of pornography:

It is not my place to judge pornography or those who consume it, nor do I share this material with you to either promote or decry it. I am simply examining with the detachment of a scholar the unexpected places cycling has been turning up these days, and how it's portrayed when it does. But should you be inclined for whatever reason to view more than I've presented here, you're certainly welcome to do so. To test your resolve, I'm presenting you with two links, one of which will take you to the world of the "M*I*L*F Hunter," and one of which will take you somewhere unspeakably disgusting yet completely non-sexual, and I'm not telling you which is which:

Possible Porn Link 1

Possible Porn Link 2

So choose at your peril. If you really want to see, you'll take the risk.

In any case, just as there's often something a bit off about the people in pornography, there's something a bit off about the bikes as well. Let's take a look at the M*I*L*F Hunter's setup:

I was heartened by his nod to tradition with the classic bend handlebars, though I was somewhat vexed by his top-mounted thumbshifters. Certainly I can't fault him for choosing simplicity and durability, but he could have gotten that from a set of bar-end shifters instead, with the added benefit of being able to shift easily while in the drops. (I'm sure he's often forced to ride in the drops when pursuing MILFs, who can be pretty fast, especially when they're trying to evade leering goateed men.) Also, by moving the shifters from the tops to the drops he'd free up precious handlebar real estate and might even be able to install a second beer cozy. Frankly, despite what his jersey may say I suspect he doesn't even ride for Health Net. And I'm not even going to approach the fact that he's wearing a helmet with a visor on the road, or that his glasses are under his helmet straps. Suffice to say that I'm disappointed, and that I'd expect more attention to detail from someone who hunts MILFs so diligently.

And cycling isn't just turning up in pornography, either. You can also find it on more socially acceptable sex-related websites like Nerve.com. Great NYC Commuter Race champion Jamie Favaro (who, for all her "accomplishments," has yet to defeat a Smart car like I have) recently forwarded me this:


Ah yes, you can tell a trend has truly come of age when its adherents are being polled for dating advice.  Here's what one of them has to say:

Yes, asking fixed-gear riders how long they've been riding should be good for minutes of conversation, as some of these people have been cycling for as many as six months.  I do think it's a bit unfair to judge people's sexual proclivities from their style of bicycle, though.  I suppose by that logic triathletes do it in three positions equally poorly, randonneurs do it really slowly for a really long time, and recumbent riders do it on their backs with their feet flailing around in the air.  This is totally inaccurate.  I often leap onto my back and kick at the sky at the slightest mention of sex (which is why it takes me so long to get through an NC-17 movie), though I have never, ever ridden a recumbent.

At this point, having examined so many sordid subjects with the potential to offend, I can't blame you if you need a palate cleanser.  As such, I offer this bewildering picture of noted triathlete Matthew McConaughey getting caught doing something with a hose:

Which was strangely reminiscent of either Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" or the scene in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" when Randy Quaid emptied the chemical toilet into the storm drain:

And if you're still disgusted, simply stare into the eyes of the Nonplussed Journalist.  He has the power to make you forget everything, including your own name:

 

(BKJimmy)

Totally funda.

Down With Gears, or Down With Gears: Figuring Out What to Ride

Like the portentous groundhog on February 2nd, I have emerged from my hidey-hole after a prolonged period of introspection.  However, unlike the groundhog, I did not contemplate the weather.  Instead, I looked deep within myself in order to decide which road bike component group to buy for next year.  Each morning I'd awake upon a pile of straw, perform my daily ablutions, eat my one and only meal for the day (a thin gruel served to me in a wooden bowl by a child from the village) and set about comparing the prices and component weights of the various offerings from Shimano, Campagnolo, and SRAM until the sun set behind the mountains.  Finally, on the seventh day, after much soul-searching, the answer came to me like one of those old MTV News updates with Kurt Loder.  The force of the revelation was such that I spilled gruel all over my meditation smock, and I burst forth from my hidey-hole with plastic in hand, ready to purchase the parts that the cosmic Kurt Loder had intoned to me in his smug monotone.  However, upon reaching the spartan bamboo hut which housed the village's only internet cafe, I made the mistake of checking in with Fixedgeargallery first, where I found an image that completely shattered my resolve:

Could it be that the cosmic Loder had misspoken?  He had quite clearly bidden I purchase a Microshift group from the Secret Website (though for reasons he assured me I was not yet enlightened enough to understand he also insisted I use a Modolo Morphos lever for the left only), yet here was this masterfully-executed bicycle beseeching me to "fu¢k gear$."  Confused and disillusioned, I slunk back into my hidey-hole and sulked until I remembered something Sheldon Brown had written in his bicycle glossary:

The "gear" of a bicycle relates to the mechanical advantage of the whole drive system. ... The gear of a bicycle depends on the ratio between the sizes of the front and rear sprockets, and the size of the drive wheel.

So despite the owner's disdain for gears, he does employ them, as you can see below:

Of course, it was possible that the owner simply meant to decry multiple gear ratios on a single bicycle and that he didn't have room for that on his handlebars.  However, upon closer inspection, I realized this bicycle did provide for different gear ratios as well, since it had a cog mounted on the front wheel:

So this bike does have plural "gears," regardless of how untenable some of them might be.  It also has a scorching case of hipster cysts:

Should you encounter this bicycle, I strongly recommend you wear gloves while handling it lest these cysts spread to your own bicycle as well.  (Or, worse yet, to your oral or crotchal region.)

Speaking of which, the giant crotchal region that is New York City is teeming with cyclists of all kinds.  As such, the New York Times has seen fit to wipe its monocle off on its shirt-tail and turn its aging journalistic eye on the city's bicyclists by putting together a whimsical little "field guide:"  

You may remember that not too long ago I posted a mass-email request from a Times reporter who was putting together a piece about "who rides what in the city, and why."  Well, it wouldn't surprise me if this were the very piece that reporter was putting together.  (Especially because it is.)  Here are some highlights:

Andrew Valentine, above, says his look is "kind of very English."  Well, I'm sort of completely nauseous.  He also says that he's an "anachronism," though I'm not sure he's using the word correctly because it doesn't mean "pretentious fop."  Also, his look doesn't evoke Evelyn Waugh (whoever she is) from where I'm sitting (which, since it's Monday, is in a leather massage chair in my underpants).  It does, however, evoke someone else who's not English and who is not so much anachronistic as he is timeless:

You've got to admit, that's uncanny.  I mean, it's completely without can.  (And yes, I know Evelyn Waugh was a man, just like George Eliot and Virginia Woolf.)

Sure, this may be a fluff piece, but the reporter has unwittingly gotten quite a scoop with this profile.  I've long suspected that New York City's seemingly endless supply of overpriced "vintage" bicycles comes from vast crappy bike reserves in the Midwest, and it's somehow vindicating to see this confirmed in print.  I only hope that this supply is being mined responsibly, since should the junky bike fields of the heartland run dry it would be a shame to have to go to war with Canada or something in order to keep the urban cultural elite rolling in squeaky, rusty, steel-rimmed, environmentally friendly style.



Sure, buying a $13,000 Pinarello to "ride in the park on Tuesday and Thursday" might seem excessive, but keep in mind that she also did a "charity ride" on it recently.  She doesn't say which charity ride, but if she used the Campagnolo Boras it was probably the 2008 Bike MS ride where it takes a combination of aerodynamics and light weight to finish with the leaders.  And while one can only hope she was as generous with her charity as she was with herself, I'm certain that she gave no charity or quarter to the thousands of other riders on inferior bicycles she left gasping in her slipstream.

Fortunately, though, it doesn't take $13,000 to experience the unbridled joy of riding a carbon fiber bicycle in New York City.  Thanks to the alchemists on Craigslist, you can simply turn your current steel, aluminum, titanium, or bamboo bicycle into carbon for under $1,000:

TRANSFORM YOUR BIKE INTO A CARBON FIBER ROCKETSHIP for $999! (Douglaston, Queens)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-07, 12:17PM EDT

New Carbon Bikes are Fast and Comfortable, BUT very expensive ($2,000-$5000)!

Consider the ultimate solution, so you can:

- RIDE FASTER WITH less effort!
- RIDE FURTHER in more comfort!
- AND CLIMB hills better!

...over a steel, composite or aluminum frame bike!

OUR CARBON FRAMES ARE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL! CARBONADO MEANING "BLACK DIAMOND", name chosen to represent the look and weave our very special carbon fibre parts.

For $999, WE WILL TAKE THE GOOD PARTS FROM YOUR EXISTING ROAD BIKE (seat, handlebars, wheels and groupset) AND TRANSFER THEM TO OUR HIGH QUALITY MONOCOQUE CARBONADO CARBON ROAD FRAME. This $999 SPECIAL includes a new carbon frame, new matching carbon seatpost and new carbon fork with all the associated "retrofit" labor included.

And..this service includes TUNE-UPS FOR LIFE at our bike shop on your new carbon bike to assure your satisfaction.

We also have a your choice of matching quality carbon stems and handlebars to make your fit just perfect!

Here is also an ideal opportunity to tweak your fit just right if you feel your existing frame is too large or small.
Please use the horizontal tub tube size comparison as your intital fit guide, go to:

HTTP://www.carbonadobike.com/geometry.html

THE ATTACHED PHOTO IS A RETROFIT TRANSFORMATION OF A GIANT OCR3 ALUMINUM BIKE TO A NEW CARBON FIBRE ROAD BIKE.

Thanks for considering,
THE CARNONADO BIKE CORPORATION!

E-mail or Contact 516-[deleted] to discuss your "retrofit" and make an appointment.

Interesting.  I didn't realize that simply moving your parts from one frame to another was considered "retrofitting."  But I do have to admit that telling your friends you're about to do a full carbon retrofit sounds way better than just saying you're doing a parts swap.  It was unclear to me from the ad whether they also offer "crabon" as an option, but judging from the sign-off at the end you can get "carnon."  (I believe the tubing heirarchy is carbon at the top, then crabon, then carnon.)  I'm pretty sure at this point that instead of saying "fu¢k gear$" I'm going to have these guys retrofit my Microshift/Morphos group onto a Carnonado frame.  That should please the cosmic Kurt Loder.

This Just In: It's Snobbatical Time!

Once again, as per the terms of my contract with myself, it is time for my semi-annual week-long "Snobbatical." If you don't believe my contract provides for semi-annual week-long Snobbaticals, I can assure you that it does. It also guarantees me indoor bike parking, two bathroom breaks a day, and a 15% discount on Kaukauna Spreadable Cheese--which is not only "America's favorite anytime, all the time, snacking, nibbling and entertaining spreadable cheese," but is also a great tire sealant.

If it angers you that I'm taking a week off, rest assured that I will not be skiing down some beach, sunning myself on some snowy mountain, or eating foie gras in some Florentine bistro.  Rather, I will be retreating deep within myself, and I can assure you that's no place anybody (I least of all) would want to be.  It's dark, it's cold, and there are scary sounds which therapists and spiritual advisors have assured me are simply the house settling but which I can only silence with strong drink.

Also, foie gras is disgusting.

I will, however, return on Monday, October 13th, with regular updates.  In the meantime I recommend catching up on routine bike maintenance, spending time with friends and family, and generally tending to your garden in the Voltairean sense.

And if spending time with friends and family involves a large, catered affair, I highly recommend the Grand Prospect Hall in Brooklyn based entirely on the strength of their commercials.

As always, thanks for reading, and I'll see you on Monday October 13th.

--BSNYC/RTMS

Hands On: Getting a Handle On Your Brakes

Firstly, I have very good news for anybody out there who's considering a set of knuckle tattoos. (And who isn't these days? They're like "Busted Tees" for your hands!) I've just discovered that Knuckletattoos.com has a feature that allows you to preview your slogan! Check it out:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

If only I could get that second one on my knuckles as well (instead of on my back, where I'm proud to announce it is now a work-in-progress) my body-modification dreams would be realized.

Secondly, Rick, the "People's Poet," has come up a number of times in the comments recently:

As such, I was delighted to find the serendipitous "The People's Fixed" on Fixedgeargallery:


While I'd stop short of calling this bicycle "poetry in motion" (unlike the Trek above, which is a laudanum-inspired Samuel Taylor Coleridge epic crossed with a beatnik bongo freakout and a few dirty limericks thrown in for good measure) I will say that "The People's Fixed" is a fitting name since it's not only red (the color of communism) but there's also little on the bike to offend anybody, giving it an ecumenical appeal. I like to think he leaves it unlocked when he's not using it so "the people" may ride it as well.

I was less pleased, however, to discover the existence of a sort of bizzaro Fixedgeargallery, called Thefixedgeargallery:



Note the frequency with which the phrase "fixed gear" appears in order to attract people who plug it into popular search engines. Now that's clever. Personally, I think it's a shame that the internet is polluted with virtual Venus Flytraps like this. I mean, last time I checked the most popular (non-sepia) search term on the most popular search engine was "who won the vp debate," and you don't see me gratuitously referencing the candidates to draw traffic. No, I have my integrity, and I prefer to express myself on my knuckles instead:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Fortunately, I'm not the only one out there with integrity. The good people at Gregslist also know you don't have to copy someone else's website to be successful:

I can't help wondering if there are unwitting and highly disappointed people who have been browsing both Thefixedgeargallery.com and Gregslist.com in search of Pistas and wondering what all the fuss is about. I also can't help wondering if Greg is the mastermind behind Pistadex.com, which I had absolutely nothing to do with, and which like the Death Star has quietly become operational. In fact, Greg has even arranged it so that you can get the PistaDex on your iPhone. I suppose that may be convenient for some, but as the inventor of the PistaDex I prefer to keep it even closer--on my knuckles:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Frankly, the more I use the Knuckletattoos.com knuckle tattoo preview function, the more I realize just how addictive knuckle tattoos are. It's no wonder they're so popular. And considering the abundance of tattoo-worthy sentiments out there, I think the only regret you could possibly have in getting one would be that you can only do it once! (Or maybe twice, if you take the "Nobr Akes" approach and express yourself in two separate lines.)

And speaking of brakes, bicycle-slowing technology has just taken a quantum leap forward. A reader has spotted and photographed a working prototype of a new housingless braking system:

This is easily the most exciting new product since the helmet phone, and the advantages are obvious:

1) Lighter weight

2) The ability to run cables at extreme angles

3) Completely frictionless

4) Looks great!

It also allows you to dispense with that pesky barrel adjuster because, well, you couldn't use it anyway. Just imagine how much smarter the Trek above would look with the new housingless braking system, since he'd be able to eliminate that giant lariat on the front end. Not only is it aesthetically displeasing, but it's also dangerous, for should he put his head down while making an extreme effort he could easily get it snared in there like a calf at a rodeo, which would cause him to lose control of the bicycle and would most likely result in serious injury.

And even if you have a tattoo that says "Nobr Akes," you have to admit that we're living in a golden age of bicycle brakes. There are coaster brakes, cantilever brakes, linear-pull brakes, single-pivot brakes, dual-pivot brakes, mechanical disc brakes, hydraulic disc brakes...and this means the number of brake mullet permutations is almost infinite. For example, the above Trek is adorned with a canti/dual-pivot mullet, and the following day Alex posted in the comments this picture of a bike with a reverse v-brake/disc brake mullet:

Of course, the most difficult part of having a reverse v/disc mullet is remembering which lever controls which brake. Fortunately, though, there's one way to can always be sure:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Obviously you should reverse this if you've got a right/front setup.

Ride safe this weekend,

--BSNYC/RTMS

Dizzying Heights: Popping the Road Bike Bubble

As I've mentioned, I did not attend Interbike, and after browsing the various photo galleries and looking at the various products on display, I can't say that I have any regrets. Until now, that is. A reader recently forwarded me a picture of the new Moots CoMooter, which I've just had a look at, and which can be yours for a very reasonable $8,750:

Given the current state of the economy I'm not even sure the kinds of jobs you'd commute to on an $8,750 bicycle even exist anymore, but then again it does have those "meticulous Moots welds." So if you're the kind of person who wears driving loafers, throws catered barbecues, and uses a timepiece instead of a watch, this might be the bicycle for you. And of course, it's titanium, and as we all know titanium lasts forever and as such is the material of choice for the "last bike you'll ever buy." At least that's what everybody used to say during titanium's heyday in the 90s. You'd think that by now everyone would have switched over to titanium bikes with meticulous welds, instead of continuing to ride bikes made out of other materials with slipshod welds. But then again, people are stupid and don't know what's good for them.

But while an $8,750 titanium bike may last forever, it's unlikely that it will last forever with you if you're using it for commuting. Sure, you may be able to bring your bike inside with you at work, but you can't bring it inside everywhere. You've got to leave a commuter outside once in a while. So when this one has been stolen from you, you'll have to console yourself with the fact that the person who took it will get a lifetime of satisfaction out of its unsurpassed durability, resilient ride, and meticulous welds. At least, until it gets taken from him in turn. Essentially, when you buy the Moots CoMooter, you're personally funding an extremely expensive and exotic bike-share program.

Then again, given the current rate of bicycle MSRP inflation, $8,750 isn't all that much these days. The top-of-the-line road bike from the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company goes for $9,129.99, and it has no welds, meticulous or otherwise:

This is a truly impressive price point, especially considering how unlikely it is that anybody who would pay full MSRP for this bike might actually be able to use it to its full potential. If you're that competitive on the road chances are you're either fully sponsored or you're one of those "full-time" bike racers who shops exclusively via mail order, couch surfs instead of paying rent, and does some coaching on the side in order to pay for registration fees and gas. Which is not to say that Trek should not be allowed to sell a bicycle for $9,129.99 to delusional people. Just like the guy selling his Pista on Craigslist, they're free to ask whatever they want for their bicycles. And they also offer plenty of other less expensive bicycles for those who have a more realistic perspective on the relationship between their needs and their abilities.

Still, though, it's hard not to notice that performance-oriented bikes are getting really expensive. After checking out the Madone 6.9, I went as far back into the Trek archives as their website goes (which is 2003) and took a look at the then-top of the line 5900. The Trek site no longer lists the MSRP for this bike, but a little research yielded that you could purchase their Tour-winning superbike for $4,729.99:

So basically, it now costs about twice as much money to own Trek's "best" road bike as it did only five years ago. Now I'm no economist, but I think the technical term for something that's doubled in price over five years is "Bubblicious." And it's not only happening at the top. The price jumps are pretty big down the line, too. The more realistically-equipped Madone 5.2 with Ultegra SL goes for $4,119.99:

While the equivalent 2003 bike, the 5200, went for $2,749.99:

That's definitely not as big an increase as you see at the very top of the line, but it's still an impressive 50% price jump.

Of course, at least part of the reason for this is that Trek's OCLV frames are made in the USA, right? Perhaps. But that's not true of Specialized, whose top-of-the-line road bike goes for $8,500:

As opposed to the $4,230 their 2003 top-of-the-line bike once cost:

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "That '03 bike wasn't even carbon." This is true. But really, when you're paying for a top-of-the-line road bike, you're paying for the perception, not the performance. The Madone 6.9 isn't $5,010.00 better than the Madone 5.2, and the Specialized Tarmac SL2 certainly isn't 100% better than the E5. I think even the people who buy these bikes realize that. But that perception is getting really, really expensive. Again, I've got nothing against companies trying to sell expensive bicycles (so long as I'm not forced to buy them), but you'd think they'd all get together and agree to take it easy for a little while before they hit plaid. Seriously, they're heading into MeiVici territory.

The least these companies could do is come up with some better acronyms. Trek is still using "OCLV" for its carbon, which stands for something like "Optimum Cost Low Validity." Meanwhile, Specialized are going with "FACT" for their carbon, which I think means "Forget About Considering Trek." They could both learn a thing or two from Campagnolo, who now use CULT:

Not only that, but they also use "Advanced by FAG" technology, which they don't even bother to explain. Whatever it is, though, you can rest assured that it "achieved exceptional results in the salt spray fog test," and that's more than enough to convince me to join the CULT of FAG. Between that and the fact that I ride a Moots CoMooter constructed entirely out of non-corrosive titanium, I may never have to fear salt spray fogs again.

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Innovation and Intimidation

Now that October's here, the temperature is finally dropping in New York City, which is good news for the many thousands of crotches that commute by bicycle here every day. And already the colors of autumn are beginning to show themselves--at least in the form of odd behavior. But while commuting is certainly becoming more pleasant from a groinal perspective, it is not without its perils. Here's the current climate out on the streets:

Not every bicycle industry innovator goes to Interbike. Here we see an entrepreneur field-testing a helmet phone prototype in Prospect Park. My guess is this product is in the very early stages of development, since it appears only to be compatible with flip-phones, and the helmet itself only offers limited ventilation. Hopefully by the time this comes to market it will incorporate such features as helmet mirror caller ID display, a handlebar-mounted QWERTY keyboard, and an integrated microphone/motocross chin guard.

As we all know, bicycle companies never die--they just change hands. Witness quintessential American bicycle manufacturer Schwinn's current incarnation as the nostalgia arm of Dorel Industries; pioneering BMX manufacturer Mongoose's position as the BMX and crappy department store mountain bike arm of, uh, Dorel Industries; and the graveyard full of living-dead brand names that is bikesdirect.com. It's surprising then that we have yet to see the return of Ross, since resurrecting their coveted Apollo (pictured above) seems like a no-brainer. (And by "no-brainer" I mean you'd have to be completely bereft of brains to do it.) Sure, it's not as impractical as the Raleigh Chopper, but it's close. In fact, shortly after taking this photo I considered liquidating all my assets (I'm invested heavily in Pistas and Chris King headsets) and purchasing Ross myself, since the name seems to be languishing in Farmingdale. Ultimately, though, given the unstable financial climate at the moment I decided against it. Though I am making some tentative forays into mountain bike pie plates.

Everybody seems to have decided that I'm Jewish (even though in reality I practice my own religion which is a combination of ancestor worship and Scientology peppered with Jainism), but I'll just say that you don't have to be Jewish to be moved by the dulcet sounds of the Shofar (a.k.a. the "Jewish Kazoo"). Indeed, seeing as how it's Rosh Hashanah (a.k.a. the "Jewish New Year") traffic in New York has been pretty light and the horn-blowing of cars has been replaced by the horn-blowing of the faithful. The young men pictured above were channeling their inner Sonny Rollins by playing their horn out in the street, and I was even inspired to make two Jewish New Year resolutions: 1) stop taking photos that list towards the left; and 2) record an album entitled either "Shofar Colossus" or "Shofar, So Good."

I held true to my resolution just a few blocks later when I took this relatively level photograph. Ironically, there's been a real explosion in the number of SUV clubs in New York lately, despite the fact that we're in the middle of both an energy crisis and a financial crisis. This seems kind of like starting a competitive eating club in the middle of a famine. Even more ironically, this particular member of the SMASH NYC SUV club is neither driving an SUV nor is he even from NYC. (At least according to his license plate.) Intrigued, I made a point of visiting the club's Myspace page, where I learned the following:

1) They have an aversion to haters:



2) They have an affinity for posteriors:

(censored version)

(artsy sepia version--censorship not necessary)

If you share these sentiments and you're interested in joining, you might want to drop them an email and find out if SUV ownership is indeed a prerequisite.

Sadly, the sense of well-being I felt after hearing the Shofar was short-lived, as I was nearly taken out by a truck full of haterz. "U-turn" doesn't adequately describe what this truck did, since it sounds too benign. "Ü-turn" does a slightly better job, not only because the umlauts give it that heavy metal menace, but also because if you imagine me as one of those dots then the "Ü" is a pretty accurate diagram of what almost happened. Having narrowly survived, I turned in order to see who had tried to kill me and took the above (level!) photograph. As you can see, there was a wild breakfast party taking place in the cab.

Also, a closer look reveals a Nonplussed Truck Driver Looking Straight at BikeSnobNYC:

At this point I think it's worth taking a look at how the people I've encountered over the past week have been reacting to me, as you can see from this Nonplussed Triptych:

This triptych is in chronological order from left to right, and you'll note that as we move into the present the discernible consternation seems to increase. I take this to mean that my presence is only becoming more infuriating to the rest of the world. This conclusion is also reinforced by the fact that the most recent Nonplussed person I encountered did indeed try to kill me with a truck. I can only hope I live to be scowled upon another day (much less to ring in another Jewish New Year).

My faith shaken, I abandoned my Jewish New Year resolution and went back to taking photographs that list to the left. This particular rider caught my eye because of the Kosmo.com messenger bag, which I was surprised to see still in use. I immediately grew nostalgic for a time when Kozmo.com and Urbanfetch.com competed to deliver pretty much anything to your home via bicycle--including DVD players and pints of ice cream. Suddenly, the streets were full of messengers with health benefits and stock options, and a short-lived Courier Renaissance ensued. Shockingly though, despite the public's insatiable appetite for DVD players and ice cream, this business model didn't work, and both companies went out of business. (In retrospect the real reason for the failure was that, while both companies could provide you with everything you'd need for a night of pot smoking, neither was legally able to sell you the pot itself.) Personally, I think it's a great tragedy that both companies died before the Fixed-Gear Era, as they doubtless would have found an eager new labor pool of Pista riders. Alas, all that remains for these Pista riders to deliver is business correspondence, food, and, of course, pot. (When it comes to bicycle delivery, pot is an evergreen.)

Having gotten that ticket not too long ago, I can vouch for the importance of both following traffic laws (at least when cops are around) and not carrying illegal substances with you, for had I been holding any "Wednesday weed" I might have received more than just a summons. On the other hand, perhaps if I were to ditch the Ironic Orange Julius Bike in favor of a motor scooter, I could ride with impunity. Especially if I were to adopt the cunning "stolen plate" ploy. This particular rider was flouting traffic laws with abandon, and the only limiting factor was her 49cc engine.

Of course, her engine was the only thing that was small, and I have a feeling that even without an SUV she'd find herself more than welcome at the SMASH NYC SUV club.