It’s All In the Details: How to be Fast on a Fixed-Gear

(Mescaline-induced curling/bike polo freakout by Erik K)

Going fast on a bicycle isn’t for everybody. If you’d rather look good than ride good on yours that’s perfectly fine. But there are some people out there who still want to actually be fast. If you’re relatively new to cycling and you got here on a fixed-gear, here are three cheap (or free) ways to do it that should be obvious but apparently aren't:

Get a Brake

There are certain corny, contradictory maxims designed to make you do the right thing that simply aren’t true. A good example is the one about how abstinence is the best form of birth control. That’s complete crap. One has nothing to do with the other. It’s like saying building a garden shed is the best way to avoid hang gliding mishaps. Another is the one about getting high on life instead of getting high on drugs. Sure, you may be happier without drugs, and you'll certainly be better off, but you won't be high. Life is irritating, not intoxicating. If living your life made you high then waiting in line would be illegal and you’d pay lots of money to go to parties where you could stand in them for three or four hours.

But here’s one corny maxim that is true: brakes make you faster. I suppose some people think riding without a brake in traffic is somehow daring. But it's not. Actually, it’s pretty low on the spectrum of dangerous things you can do on a vehicle. Riding a liter sport motorcycle at high speed is dangerous. Racing cars is dangerous. Hang gliding instead of building a garden shed is dangerous. And guess what? Except for the hang glider, all those guys use brakes. Not only that, but they actually care about what kind of brakes they use, and instead of removing them, they sometimes even upgrade them! Why? Because you can go faster when you can stop faster.

Consequently, riding without a brake doesn't say, "I'm hardcore." It says, "I'm afraid of exploring the full performance potential of my bicycle." Indeed, in the gym class of death-defying vehicle operation the brakeless fixed-gear rider is just the slightly less nerdy kid who picks on the really nerdy kids but gets beat up by everyone else. Basically, you rank somewhere between skateboarders and actual bicycle racers in the amount of danger you flirt with. Serious motorcyclists confront death much more regularly than brakeless fixed-gear riders, and they don’t rely entirely on their transmissions to stop. The only things that don’t use brakes are skateboards and things without wheels that don’t touch the ground, like boats. I guess that’s why most brakeless fixed-gear riders these days ride like they’re driving Boston Whalers while intoxicated—they’re slow, they weave, and they take a lot of time to stop. (That might also explain why they wear canvas boat shoes.) So put a brake on your bike and you can actually start to flirt with some speed on a bicycle.


Ride The Right Way

Bike salmon are the new wheel-suckers, and now that the weather is nice and all the vanity bikes have come out of mothballs I feel like a rolling sample sale in that I’m constantly being mobbed head-on by fashionistas. I’m not sure when it became mandatory for fixed-gear riders to go against traffic all the time and I’m not sure where it came from. The only thing I can think of is how when I was a little kid I went to that birthday party at Hot Skates in Lynbrook and the DJ suddenly announced that everybody had to spin around and skate the wrong way. Maybe it’s something like that, but since I’m not a real part of the “bike culture” I didn’t get the message from the fixed-gear DJ that it’s time for the reverse skate. At any rate, whatever the reason for it, trust me when I tell you guys you can go a lot faster when you ride in the right direction. Especially because I won’t keep coming at you and force you to ride into a truck. (You can even keep your neckerchief on.)

Wider Bars

Fixed-gear riders have a lot to learn from their singlespeed mountain biker cousins. For one thing, singlespeeders know a lot about how to achieve a straight chainline. They also know where to get good weed. And perhaps most importantly, they know that an important part of putting power to the ground through a singlespeed drivetrain (especially when there’s an incline involved) is leverage. That’s why they actually use riser bars that show some metal between the grips and the stem. Granted, you don’t need bars as wide as your typical singlespeeder’s if you’re riding through traffic. But you also don’t need bars that are narrower than your Q-factor. And if you’re still worried that your wider bars will impede your progress through all those cars, just remember that you also have brakes. If that gap in front of you suddenly closes you’ll be able to change your line on a dime.

Mused and Confused: Pondering the Nature of Cycling

Over the last few days I’ve received a couple of spirited and thought-provoking comments. There was this one from last Friday:

i love how you call out "lawyers, doctors, dentists" as if you are somehow above them because they may choose to ride a single speed or fixed gear bike and yet who are you to judge? some guy who sits behind his computer and rants the same shit everyday..."you're ruining my subculture, stop riding bianchi pistas!!!" if you're so offical why don't you stop bitching and spend less hours in front of computer and more on a bike. pathetic. btw, have some balls and post this.

And this one from yesterday:

BSNYC,

When exactly did you become so bitter? It seems as though everything and everyone annoys you in some way, shape, or form. I'd really enjoy your blog if you were just the slightest bit more positive, but I suppose that's what the whole snob part calls for. Oh well, who else would every disgruntled messenger and hipster turn to when they need their pretentious/I'm better than everyone except for my tight group of friends fix. You're a fine writer, far better than myself, but can you for just one day not check craigslist looking to make fun of someone? Something tells me you would never say such things to someone's face, and that's something you might want to consider.

Are they wrong? Certainly. Missing the point? Absolutely. Twisted maniacs? Very possibly. Even so, I’m a firm believer in using criticism in order to better yourself, and as such each of these comments prompted periods of introspection and soul-searching that lasted literally minutes. So instead, rather than criticize others, today I’d like to take some time to analyze the very nature of cycling itself. I hope you’ll bear with me today as I ponder the bigger questions:

What is Cycling?

Cycling is symmetry. D’uh. It’s a concert of balance, a harmony of tension and a symphony of opposing forces. This symmetry is evident in every aspect of the endeavor. Take for instance:

The Beauty of the Bicycle Wheel

The Uncanny Resemblance Between Dave Zabriskie and 80s Kevin Kline

Fred Rodriguez’s Ugly-Ass Uniform and The Thing

Furthermore, like yoga, asceticism, or curling on mescaline, cycling is a means by which we discover our true inner selves. Each bicycle journey, no matter how short, is also a journey within. If it wasn’t for cycling, would Lance Armstrong have discovered his acting prowess? Would Phil Liggett have become a coffee mogul? Would Mario Cipollini have been described as “flamboyant” and “charismatic” instead of simply being arrested for being a perverted freak in a catsuit? I too have learned volumes about myself from riding. For example, by mountain biking I’ve learned from my tendency to ride around obstacles instead of over them and from my technique of stopping, dismounting, and visually inspecting drop-offs before riding off of them that I am both lazy and cowardly. I’ve also learned by being dropped from races and rides of all kinds that I don’t like it when things get difficult, and that no matter what you’re doing you can always quit. And that is a beautiful lesson. Knowing that life itself is optional is the key to getting through it.

What is a Cyclist?

In the past I’ve made a distinction between the “cyclist” and the “guy on a bike.” The former is a type of person, while the second is a coincidence or a circumstance. My definition of “cyclist” is two-fold:

1) A “cyclist” rides a bike even when he or she does not have to.

Someone who rides out of necessity is not necessarily a cyclist. For example, the drunk driver who must cycle to work because his license has been taken away is not a cyclist. Nor is the delivery person who does not ride, look at, or think about his bicycle after hours or on days off. However, if you opt to ride a bicycle even when it is inconvenient to do so or you could be doing something else, then you’re probably a cyclist.

2) A “cyclist” is someone who owns a floor pump.

Owning things doesn’t make you a cyclist. Having clipless pedals, or training wheels, or a closet full of cycling attire doesn’t do it. Even owning a bike doesn’t necessarily do it. Hey, if you borrow a bike every time you want to ride you may very well still be a cyclist. However, if you don’t have a floor pump you’re not a cyclist. Using a mini pump or even a frame pump for home use shows a disturbing lack of commitment to proper inflationary technique. And relying on a local bike shop (or worse yet a gas station) for your air is like eating out every single day for your entire life—at Denny's.


Are Triathletes Cyclists?

This is one of those deeply profound questions, like “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” or “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?” Yes, triathletes ride bikes, but they also swim and run and are generally weird. Well, in light of my definition of “cyclist” I think I have an answer. A triathlete is a cyclist provided he or she would still ride even if the cycling portion of triathlons was officially replaced with some other activity, such as rollerblading or curling while on mescaline. If in such a situation the triathlete says, “Hey, that sucks! Well forget triathlons, I’m going to keep riding,” then he or she is a cyclist. But if the triathlete immediately puts all his or her bike stuff on Craigslist and buys a big heavy rock, a broom, and some peyote, then he or she is just some freak in a half-shirt.

What is The Ideal Frame Material?

I suppose at this point you’re thinking I’m going to say that frame material is irrelevant, and that furthermore even the bike itself is secondary since anything that can carry you forth on a ride is more than sufficient. Unfortunately though that’s not the case.

The ideal frame material is a hybrid. The perfect frame would consist of a carbon downtube for lateral rigidity and vertical compliance, a titanium seat tube to cancel out road buzz, one steel seatstay and one aluminum seatstay (aluminum on the driveside), one titanium chainstay and one carbon fiber chainstay (carbon on the driveside), one iso-truss top tube with patented “Groin Gr8er” technology, and a bamboo fork to smooth the whole thing out. Riding a bike like this would be an explosive and orgasmic epiphany that would launch you straight to nirvana like a blissed-out circus freak being fired from a cannon.

Who is the Greatest Cyclist of All Time?

Dizz Hicks, due entirely to his brilliant “Flirtin’ With Dizzaster” ad campaign. “I am Specialized?” I don’t think so.

Worst of Craigslist: Diaphanous, Intoxicated, Self-Promoting Bike Love

The sitcom of life has not paused once for a commercial over the past few days. Instead, zany madcap scenario after zany madcap scenario has played itself out on our city's streets. And, tragically, all too often a bicycle was involved. Here are just a few that would prick up the ear of Norman Lear:

sidewalk sale on metropolitan, saturday - w4m - 24 (williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/658887209.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-27, 11:47PM EDT


i was walking my bike and looked briefly at some fabric you had out on the sidewalk. you yelled out that i should take them now for 25 cents. i said i'd be back and you yelled that again.

you were sitting with a girl and maybe she wasn't your girlfriend? cuz, i think you're cute.


Despite the fact that fixed-gears are ostensibly all about simplicity, people are putting anything they can find onto them. (Except for brakes and derailleurs, of course.) Popular accoutrements include reading material, leather tourniquets, pipe insulation, foam blocks, and of course bits of knotted cloth. (The latter example also sports a tennis ball in the spokes for impromptu tennis games, a saddle/security system with a combined weight of 14lbs, and a stem that looks like a phallus during a routine medical checkup or after a cold swim.)

I like to think that this particular cyclist was browsing fabric sales in search of diaphanous schmatas with which to adorn her bicycle so that it might attain that Stephen Tyler’s Mic Stand/Stevie Nicks look that’s currently in vogue. It’s about time bike fashion went beyond simple top tube pads and bandanas to full-blown haute couture. Who knows? This poster may be a pioneer of Pista Pret-a-Porter.

I lost my keys last night b/c I can't ride my bike when I'm drunk (park slope/prospect heights) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/658131871.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-27, 11:51AM EDT


Please take pity on me: I thought I would ride my bike home last night from the bar, but since I grossly overestimated my biking-while-drunk skills, I paid the price. Not only did I fall over on my bike practically as soon as I got on (meaning I have very painful limbs and joints this morning and will soon have some awesome bruises), I somehow LOST my keys and beloved keychain. Obviously it would be incredibly convenient to get my keys back, but what pains me the most - even more than my knee, which is a lot - is the loss of the keychain I got as a gift years ago. It's a little metal soccer player man, and it says "BEB" on one side and "Brazil" on his hat. If you find it, PLEASE contact me to return it. I will be eternally grateful.

Thanks!!

Firstly, I’d like to state unequivocally for the record that I’m against cycling while intoxicated. If you must ride a bicycle to a bar, make sure it is a tandem and that you’ve got a designated captain who will remain sober for the evening. Obviously this person is lucky to have only lost his keys. That said, I did also find the following posting in the Craigslist “Lost and Found” section and can’t help thinking they’re related:

"Hi. This is a bit embarrassing, but I woke up Sunday morning with some abdominal discomfort after a bout of heavy drinking, and it turns out that somehow a Brazilian novelty soccer keychain must have made its way into my body cavity during the course of the night. (The last thing I remember is chants of “Forza Brazil!” and a lot of metallic jingling.) If for some reason you still want it back, please let me know. I’d also appreciate your reimbursing me for the medical expenses I’ve incurred."

Of course, it’s also possible that they’re the car keys with which bike blogger, Aerospoke enthusiast, and fixed-gear flim-flam victim Michael Green was duped. In any case, it’s an intriguing but potentially disgusting mystery.

You were riding a bicycle - m4w - 20 (Midtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/654111052.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-24, 12:12AM EDT


So, I saw you riding your bicycle in Central Park up around the 70th or 80th Street Area on the West Side... you had blonde hair, and bluish eyes from what I could tell. I don't remember what you were wearing... but I was wearing deep navy blue dress pants, a light blue colored shirt, and a plum colored tie. I was carrying around my black handbag on my left shoulder which says "NYSE" on it. You passed me by on the bike while smiling around 4 PM something... and then looked back at me after you passed. Then, around 5 PM something, after I walked from the middle of Central Park to Central Park South, I saw you pass by me again on the bike path. Again, I recognized you as soon as I saw you, and then I turned my head to see you... you were already about 100 feet off or so, and then you looked back at me, I'm *certain* it was because you had remembered me from before. I'd be absolutely AMAZED if we met again. Perhaps I will go for a walk in the park tomorrow as well and see if I see you again, same place, same time. I've included pictures below so perhaps you will recognize me.

It’s all too rare that a Missed Connections suitor actually includes a picture. Usually they limit their postings to a description like “I was the guy on the sidewalk wearing the shirt and the hat. If you see this hit me up.” In this case, though, we get full disclosure. In fact, the poster barely knows what his dream girl looks like. She had “blonde hair, and bluish eyes from what I could tell,” and he doesn’t even remember what she was wearing. But he sure remembers what he was wearing! He even makes sure to mention the NYSE bag so we know he’s somehow affiliated with the stock exchange. Amir seems to be casting a wide net intended to ensare any fair-haired female cyclist in Central Park looking to date an aspiring young stockbroker or financier. Let’s take a look at his photos:






Ah, the old "hold the camera away from you" self-portrait. An endearing classic.








The "camera-phone-in-the-mirror infinity shot." Mind bending, and an indicator that perhaps the soul of an artist lies beneath the eggplant-colored shirt and conservative exterior.








Wow, a professional headshot! With credits! This may be the world's most expensive Craigslist posting.






Another professional headshot. The first one was for professional networking use, but this one's strictly for the ladies. It's meant to highlight his sex appeal and dashing good looks rather than his business acumen. It's also useful for when Hollywood comes calling. With this shot it's entirely possible that Amir's Craigslist posting budget has officially exceeded the $1,000 mark. That's a lot of money--you can almost buy two well-used Pistas on Craigslist for that kinda scratch! I only hope it pays off for him. I have a feeling this kid is going places.

Alarming Frequency: One Gear, Too Many Choices

(Erik K)

While I’m certainly not alone in believing that a Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is pending, I can only speculate as to the form it will actually take. It’s natural to assume that when it arrives it will do so with lots of pyrotechnics, as a yawning chasm opens in the Earth into which the sinners will cast their cursed Pistas, their low-end steel smelted and re-fashioned by Hephaestus into whatever the next trendy bike will be. However, recent evidence suggests the onset of the Apocalypse may be more subtle. It may not be a great conflagration. It may instead take the form of the trend sort of doubling over on itself and imploding, like an alpaca chasing its tail (assuming they have them) or trying vainly to nibble off an irritating dingleberry.

There are two blips on my Apoca-dar that have been approaching each-other on a collision course for some time now. The first is this:

Nothing wrong with a cheap road-oriented fixed-gear, but when the secret website’s sister site is selling one (at a 40% discount plus an additional 15% until Saturday, which by my calculations means it costs $17.50) the assimilation is complete. But this is hardly noteworthy in and of itself. The assimilation has been complete for some time. I do, however, feel that it is noteworthy in conjunction with the other blip on my Apoca-dar:



Yep, Serotta, the favored marque of lawyers, accountants, and dentists everywhere, is now offering its own take on the road-going fixed-gear.

When a certain type of bicycle enters the zeitgeist, it’s normal for the avid cyclist to want to build one up for himself to see what all the fuss is about. Whether it’s fixed-gears, singlespeed mountain bikes, 29ers, or cyclocross bikes, if it’s in his face for long enough the handy cyclist with a full complement of tools and a brimming spare parts bin will inevitably hit the classifieds and cobble one together.

The Serotta Singolo, however is for the sort of rider who has the disposable income to add a sixth or seventh bicycle to his stable and who also gets itchy and uncomfortable when forced to ride “low-end” or mass-produced bikes. You probably know someone like this yourself. If you want to know how he feels astride lesser bicycles, imagine hating Billy Joel. (Which it’s not difficult to do.) Then imagine having to wear a Billy Joel t-shirt for a full day. You’d want to stop strangers on the street and explain that you actually hate him. You’d fold your arms in front of yourself as much as possible. And you’d probably try to wriggle out of it eventually. If you’ve ever tried to put an article of clothing on a cat, you’ve got some idea of what I’m talking about.

So when the low frequency of Performance meets the high frequency of Serotta, weird things are bound to start happening. Apocalyptic things. It’s kind of like that movie with Michael Keaton where he can talk to dead people through static. (Or at least like what I imagine it would have been like if I had actually seen the movie.)

Also noteworthy is the copy:

Horizontal (track) drop outs allow for perfect chain tension adjustment. No after-market "tensioners" needed. "Road" geometry (it's not just a track bike with brakes) offers handling familiarity and comfort.

Ooh, no pesky tensioners needed! That should save me ten bucks. And besides the fact that track ends aren’t drop-outs, I couldn’t help noting that Serotta are also boasting that it’s got road geometry and isn’t “just a track bike with brakes.” There are lots of other bikes that have actual horizontal dropouts and have road geometry too—they’re called old road frames. Why not get one of those? Their own forums are crawling with them. You might even be able to find an actual Serotta road frame. In fact, there’s one on eBay right now. It’s Scott Moninger’s old bike:

Granted, I can’t tell from the photos if the dropouts are horizontal, but the frame does advertise a cheap beer, and nothing’s hotter in the fixed-gear community than cheap beer. That alone makes it worth using an Eno hub if necessary.

And if all these frequencies aren’t deafening enough, Serotta’s “not just a track bike with brakes” is apparently an “imitator” according to Bianchi:

Imitators use modified road frames with road offset, so look and ride before you buy.

Yikes. So is this how the Apocalypse will come? Will bike companies simply bewilder us with choices, options and counter-claims until the whole thing collapses under its own weight? Will a trend that began under the guise of simplicity become impossibly complex? How many different types of fixed-gears will tomorrow’s customer need to consider before making a conclusion? Road fixed-gears. Track fixed-gears. Fixed-gear freestyle fixed-gears. High-end, low-end, mid-range. Will it chase it’s own tail into oblivion?

I don’t know. All I do know is that I just missed out on buying the World’s Most Pimpin’ Giant Bowery:

UP FOR AUCTION IS MY GIANT (BOWERY) FIXED GEAR BICYCLE. JUST HAD IT CUSTOM BUILT THREE WEEKS AGO . I,VE RIDEN IT ABOUT 20 MILES. IN SHORT IM SELLING MY BIKE TO PUT THE MONEY TOWARDS BUYING A CAR. IF YOU LIKE FIXED GEARS I GARRRENTEEE YOUR SATICE- FACTION . ITS A NICE SOLID RIDE, AND I HATE TO SEE IT GO BUT I,VE HAD AN OPPERTUNITY TO MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS. THE BIKE COMES COMPLETE WITH EVERYTHING DESRIBED BELOW:

FRAME: '08' GIANT BOWERY (ALUMINUM) 350.00
HUBS: PHILWOODS (FRONT AND REAR) 500.00
WHEELS: VELOCITY DEEP-V'S (FRONT -GUN MEATAL GRAY, RADIAL LACED/ REAR-ROYAL BLUE 4-CROSS) 150.00
CRANK SET: FSA 100.00
CHAIN: 20.00
HEAD SET: STOCK WITH FRAME
CHAIN RING: ROCKET 48 TEETH 35.00
COG: FIXED GEAR 16 TEETH
1RST SET PEDDLES: EGG BEATERS 145.00
2ND SET PEDDLES: TOSI DOUBLE STRAPS WITH DIMENSION PEEDLES: 80.00
STEM: ORIGIN8 45.00
HANDLE BARS : ELEVEN 81 40.00
SATTLE : STOCK BOWERY SEAT
CHAIN TENTIONERS: ROCKET 25.00
PIN STRIPPING: CUSTOM 70.00
KRYPTONITE LOCK : 100.00
TOTALING A LITTLE OVER 1,500 BUCKS.
I RESEARVE THE RIGHT TO END THIS AUCTION EARLY DO TO ITEM BEING SOLD LOCALLY. SHIPPING WILL BE UNDER 100.00 BEPENDING WHERE IT WILL BE SHIPPED.
ANY QWESTIONS CALL : RAY AT [deleted] / RON AT [deleted]

I will be kicking myself all weekend.

Pie In The Sky: A World Without Spoke Protectors

It is a beautiful Spring day here in New York. I’d like to say that it’s days like this that make New York a wonderful place in which to live, but that’s simply not true. It’s still the same hive of irritability–it just happens to be enjoying some nice weather. If anything, the sun and warmth just bring the abject nature of our existence here into sharper relief. Sure, some people become joyful and appreciative when Spring begins, but I’m not one of them. It happens every year, and it’s my right to simply expect it. It’s not like the Universe is doing me a favor or anything. Gushing about the Springtime is like paying for something that costs a buck with a hundred dollar bill and getting all excited when you get $99 back. Big deal. So as far as the nice weather goes, all I have to say is, “What took you so long?”

As a cyclist though, on a day such as this even a mind as blackened as mine is wont to wander. And once again, my mind turns to nation building. When the weather is nice I’d like nothing more than to forego my responsibilities and instead ride the length and breadth of our own land, perhaps stopping for some of our native cheese. But before this can happen there is much work to be done. As a people, there are certain evil weeds growing in our midst that must be extirpated. And like a stoner on a Wednesday afternoon, I’m ready to get my hands on some.

There is one weed that stands taller than all others. It’s more insidious than top tube pads. It’s more insidious than behind-the-saddle hydration and inflation systems. It’s more insidious even than TTMBLs. I’m talking of course about the pie plate.

Pie plates (also known as “dork discs,” “nerd coasters,” “Minneapolis frisbees,” “45rpm singles,” “idiot pucks,” and “moron shingles”) are like heavily intoxicated people and many triathletes in that they have no business being on a bicycle. Despite this, on my morning commute I see nothing but pie plates—it’s like sitting in some restaurant in hell where you’re constantly being passed by the dessert cart. And while each and every pie plate is offensive, some are more so than others. Here are just a few notable pie plate types in ascending order of egregiousness:

The Department Store Bike Pie Plate

I hate pie plates in any form, but expecting a department store bike not to have one is kind of like expecting a dog not to have bad breath. And while it’s offensive, when it comes to a department store bike the gestalt is offensive, so it’s pretty much pointless to single one thing out. A lot of these bikes also have huge cardboard labels displaying the wheel size still in the spokes as well as those plastic axle protectors that look like those little tables you sometimes get when you order a pizza. Frankly, in this case it’s the bike that’s the problem, not the pie plate.

The Hybrid Pie Plate

Generally speaking, the kinds of people who ride hybrids are not the kinds of people who fuss over things like pie plates or frame size sticker removal or tire label/valve stem alignment. In fact, they’re not even the sorts of people who align their helmets—they generally sport their foam hats way back on the head, like yarmulkes. So it’s somewhat unreasonable to expect them to remove their pie plates. Then again, I’m an unreasonable person. If you had the sense to buy your bike in an actual bike shop, you have the sense to remove (or ask the shop to remove) your pie plate.

The New Road Bike Pie Plate

Whether you know it or not, once you’ve bought an actual road bike you’ve subjected yourself to a certain level of scrutiny. It’s like running for office—everything you do is now a matter of public record and fair game for the press. If you don’t know the fundamental rules of cycling, that’s fine—as long as you learn them quickly. And Rule #1, before “Don’t sit on a stranger’s wheel” and “Don’t let a stranger ride your bike,” is “Get rid of the pie plate!”

The Old Road Bike Pie Plate

While I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to pie plates, I also understand that not everybody realizes they need to be removed. Sadly, too few bike shops take it upon themselves to do it or to educate their customers. Hopefully, one day that will change, and I for one am trying to do my part by raising public awareness. But in the meantime I think a grace period between new bike purchase and pie plate removal is warranted. Let’s call it six months. By that time you should have either figured out your pie plate needs to go, or you should have had to remove or change your cassette for some reason, in which case (hopefully) logic would dictate a pie platectomy.

After that, though, you are in clear violation. I regularly see road bikes that are five, ten, even twenty years old that still have pie plates on them. If your bike has both downtube shifters and a pie plate on it, you are exhibiting a disregard for propriety that is nearly inhuman. Only a sociopath could be capable of such a thing. In fact, while I believe we cyclists should regulate ourselves, in this case I think the perpetrator should be turned over to the police. According to the controversial “broken window” theory, chances are someone with a yellowed pie plate on a twenty year-old bicycle is also guilty of something else. He’s probably also using an Italian crank on a JIS spindle, planning a bank robbery, and keeping kidnapping victims duct-taped in his basement.

The Broken Pie Plate

In addition being yellowed and filthy with drivetrain grime, the aforementioned pie plates also usually have a big chip in them. They look like Pac Man if he were a coal miner. It’s pathetic already. Get it off.

The Fixed-Gear Pie Plate

This beast is apocryphal, but I maintain that it exists...somewhere. And as much as the idea of one horrifies and sickens me, I really want to see one, if only so that I can kill it. I thought I saw one once, but it was in fact the next-worst thing: a singlespeed pie plate. Even that was hard to stomach--it was a little like seeing your aunt naked or something. Frankly, I don’t know for sure how I’d react to an actual FGPP. But I’m willing to take the risk for our nation’s sake.

So please, check your bike for pie plates and remove them. If you have a friend with a pie plate problem, tell him or her as well. Perhaps one day they will be gone forever. Sure, there’s probably some pie plate factory in China and an entire village that depends on it, but we must think of ourselves first. And if you’re wondering what to do with all the pie plates, I say let’s build a henge. Stonehenge brings a millions of tourists to England, and Carhenge brings thousands to Alliance, Nebraska. People love henges. So let the world’s henge enthusiasts come and marvel at Pie Plate Henge on Long Island. We can put it in Commack.

Victim Complex: Coping With Bike Theft

As a rule, I don't make fun of victims on this site, unless they are fashion victims. In particular, I avoid making fun of theft victims. Bike theft is perhaps one of the most infuriating yet degrading things that can happen to a cyclist. There is shame and stigma attached to being a bike theft victim, and when you're forced to report one you feel like Lionel Ritchie probably did when he reported his wife for spousal abuse. As such, to make fun of somebody under such circumstances would simply be inexcusable. (Though in the case of Lionel Ritchie, ridiculing him years after the fact for being abused by his wife is perfectly fine.)

I've just received an entreaty from a fellow blogger, Michael Green of Bikeblog, whose bike was stolen in New York City only yesterday. His plea bore all the hallmarks of the theft victim's lament; it was filled with anguish, desperation, and shame. He wanted me to share his story in the hopes that someone might read it and help him recover his bike. I was compelled to do so not only because I'd like to help and because he's a fellow blogger, but also in the hopes that by discussing bike theft openly we can erase the stigma of victimhood. Here is his tale:

Happy Earthday...I got a great present: MY BIKE STOLEN

I'm in shock. Someone just stole my track bike, and I let them do it. After biking in NYC for 18 years I just fell victim to a scam. It happened April 22nd, 5:00pm. I was on 1st ave between 13th and 14th, in front of the birdbath bakery, which gives you 25% off if you use a bike. I wanted to bring my bike in the store but instead took a minute to look for a place to lock it up. A Hispanic male about 5'8, stocky, short cropped hair, looking kind of pale like he was on the methadone program. He was fit. A good 250 lbs. Wearing a white button down short sleeved shirt with a huge airbrushed image of scar-face. Jean shorts, white sneakers. He had some religious tattoos including a cross on his hand that looked home-made. He walked by me, then turned around and came back. He walked up to me and asked where he could get a bike like mine. Then he asked if he could feel how heavy it was. I knew he was going to want to try it out and I knew I would SAY NO! Then for some dumb ass reason, I gave in and let him ride it. Before this happened he gave me the keys to his car which he walked over to a car parked in the street and turned the lock. I didn't pay to much attention to these details...YEAH I know...I should Have. I shouldn't have even let him touch my bike...going with my initial gut feelings. This will be the hardest part to swallow. I share it with you knowing the embarsment I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I had a policy, never to let people ride my bike, never to stop on the Bridge if someone flagged me down. WHY WHY WHY did I let down my guard.

Then the guy rode back and forth up and down the block between 14th and 13th. 3 times. On the third pass he headed North on 1st and then crossed 14th street on a green light, stopping traffic. He took off down 14th street towards AVE A. Sorry, I'm still in shock and have to write this as fast as I can.So I called the police. They came right away, they were nice and helpful. We took a ride. We went over to Continuum bike shop to see if he tried to make the quick sale. Jeff at the bike shop told me someone else had this happen to them too, recently, he said a lot of people have been reporting bike theft. I knew about this. I had no idea the same scam was being tried on other people.If you see this bike please please please let me know.

criticalmassbiker@mac.com

It is a a orange khs bike all covered up with round green and white crumpler stickers. It has a gold Kris King headset. It has a green areospoke front wheel with a green tire. It has green Oury hand grips. I love this bike...really. I feel like a total schmuck.Please help me get it back. Any information will help.

Here are pictures:




I’m not going to make any cheap shots about the Aerospoke, nor am I going to point out that you should never trust anybody wearing a “Scarface” t-shirt, airbrushed or otherwise. The fact is that while it might seem obvious in hindsight what this guy’s motives were, sometimes things aren’t quite so clear-cut while they’re actually happening to you. I can also sympathize with Michael here because I too have been a victim of the old “Let Me Try Your Bike Flim-Flam.” Of course, I was like seven years old at the time and my mother and I recovered the bike about 20 minutes later from the front of the thief’s house, its Skyway Tuff Wheel IIs mercifully in situ, but it was still a painful experience that haunts me to this day. So I’m putting out an RTMS Amber Alert on Michael’s bike:

If you have any leads, please contact him.

I also want to thank Michael for his candor in describing how his bike was stolen. Michael may feel like a “schmuck,” but he shouldn’t. It’s important to know how thieves operate so that we can learn how to avoid them. A surprising number of thieves will in fact attempt to cajole you into letting them “see” your bike. As I mentioned before, because of the shame and stigma attached to bike theft victimhood, too many people don’t describe how their bicycle was stolen, since they wrongly feel that the fact that it was stolen makes them stupid. The fact is that bikes are stolen every day, and it can happen to anyone at any time. Here are just three of the most recent ones currently being sought on Craigslist:


MISSING Giant T-Mobile (TCR Alliance) - $200 (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/652136121.html]

Reply to: sale-652136121@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-04-22, 3:17PM EDT

It has been stolen at front of Gotham Bike Store(112 W Broadway) 1:30 PM 4/17/08

I don’t care who Return it, $200. Bart 646-272-9579 Giant TCR Alliance T-Mobile. I brought it from Taiwan. Size: XS. There are some scratches under down tube, pencil mark in stem, and many of my name stickers.

STOLEN SEROTTA MEIVICI - BIG REWARD!!!!! (West Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/650471515.html]

Reply to: sale-650471515@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-04-21, 7:13PM EDT

STOLEN SEROTTA MEIVICI - BIG REWARD

I had my Serotta Meivici stolen Friday afternoon 4/18/08 from Houston and 6th Ave in New York City. I am putting out the word and offering a big reward for anyone who can help me to locate it. I have serial numbers for the frame and SRM unit. Here is a description of the bike:

Serotta Meivici 08 frame and fork
Custom 53.5” frame
Paint scheme: black naked carbon with white painted Serotta decals
Campy record groupo 8 with FSA/SRM cranks and bottom bracket (have a serial # for this as well)
SRM Powercontrol V unit mounted to bars
Daeda Blackstick seat post
Fizik alliente carbon seat – white
Richie Evolution bars with white Cinelli tape
Speedplay pedals
Mavic Ksyrium SL wheels with Specialized Roubaix Tires
Arundel Cage Dave-O grey Titanium

Please contact with any information!

Mark Heithoff
Ph: 212-941-1549
Fax: 212-941-1186
Cell: 917-209-5584 email: mheithoff@earthlink.net

STOLEN->Red Fuji Track, Bway and Houston, (Downtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/648135492.html]

Reply to: sale-648135492@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-04-19, 10:11AM EDT

My Red Fuji Track Got stolen last sunday, right on Broadway and Houston its a 58 cm, had a brooks, brown wrapped straight bars, a purple chain, and pretty generic/unbranded other parts. also had an "also known as" sticker on the downtube

If you see/have seen it please hit me up @ Nine One Seven 658 5422

if you do somehow get it back, ill be glad to give you a reward, also i heard someone saw someone buy the bike off some dude over on delancey and essex, if this was you, please please return it, i really love that bike plus my brooks was just getting broken in, and it fit me really nicely

Can Be seen here:

To me, the frustrating and disconcerting thing about all these ads is that there’s little to no information about how the bikes were stolen. I attribute this to embarrassment. Again, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ve had bicycles stolen from my premises. I’ve had bicycles stolen due to weak locks. I’ve had bicycles stolen that were secured with strong locks to seemingly permanent features of the urban landscape that were, unbeknownst to me, actually removable. The method was different every time, but the result was always the same: it sucked.

The fact is though that bike theft is a fact of life. This is a shame, because it’s probably one of the main reasons more people don’t ride in the city. Pending more secure bike parking, though, we’re just going to have to deal with it. Here are my tips for how to do that:

1) Have Many Bikes

When a male fish eats its mate’s eggs, do you think the mother cares? Not really. There are plenty left. In fact, the male is kind of doing them both a favor, since fewer eggs makes life easier and means more resources to go around. This is how you should view bike ownership. Don’t just have one really nice bike—have a bunch of “meh” bikes. Any time someone’s selling a decent one that you can afford, snap it up. That way, when one of them gets snagged, you’ll almost be relieved. It’s one less mouth to feed and a few more feet of wall space.

2) Don’t Form Attachments To Your Bikes

As I’ve said before, I’m a strong believer in loving the ride, not the bike. The latter can be taken from you at any moment, but the former really can’t. The fleeting satisfaction you get from constant upgrading, detailing, and fussing will inevitably re-visit you in the form of mental anguish when your bike is either stolen or crashed. Should you treat your bike well? Yes. Should you take every precaution when it comes to theft? Absolutely. Should you treat it like a human child and invest in it a part of your soul? Only if you’re the kind of person who falls in love with strippers. In fact, it’s probably a good idea to treat your bike like a stripper. Enjoy it but don’t get too attached, put a few bucks into it now and again, and just shrug and move on when it takes up with someone else.

3) Don’t Have A Pretty Bike

Speaking of strippers, the explosion of fixed-gear mania has turned the city into one giant strip club, in that everywhere you look there are pretty things hanging off of poles. Fixed-gear riders upgrade their bicycles constantly, festooning them with color and costly baubles, and walking down the streets of trendy neighborhoods is like walking along a sidewalk lined with lush, blooming shrubbery. So what opportunist wouldn’t want to pluck off a piece of fruit? I’m not sure when every urban fixed-gear bicycle I saw suddenly had Phil Wood hubs and a Chris King headset, but it's definitely become the case over the last few years. If your bike’s going to be spending its life hugging poles in an urban environment, skip the expensive stuff. For the price of one of those hubs you could buy another cheap bike and be in compliance with my rule #1.

4) Know Your Bike Will Get Stolen

If you lock your bike outside, it will get stolen one day. Whether it’s nice or crappy, and whether you lock it well or lock it poorly, sooner or later you’re going to come outside and it’s going to be gone. So do not close that lock and walk away unless you have already come to terms with the fact that there’s a good chance you’ll return to find nothing there. This above all else should be your main criteria in choosing a bike for urban riding. Don't lock it if you're not prepared to lose it.

Yes, it it's too bad, but that's the way it is. At least until we get one of these.

The Lure of the Animal: Selling Bikes with Cat Power

I'm rarely impressed by a bicycle advertisement. Specialized's "I Am Specialized" campaign leaves me cold. (Mostly because it sounds too much like "I Am Special," which implies you might need training wheels to ride. And by training wheels I mean this kind, not the kind you use so you don't wear out your race tires.) Cannondale's "Feel It" slogan just creeps me out. (I don't wanna feel it! For chrissakes, just put it away!) And as for the rest, it's mostly just the usual claims of enhanced lateral rigidity and vertical compliance, perhaps accompanied by some vague technical data they might as well not even bother with since you know and they know that it's the decals that are ultimately going to sell the bike.

This is why I'm a huge fan of the current Look marketing campaign. Look have dispensed with both catchy slogans and dubious claims in their attempt to convince you to buy their products. Instead, they've harnessed the awesome marketing power of the panther:

OK, well, there is a slogan: "Unique bike for unique people." But the slogan's really small and hidden in the corner. Instead, this ad uses a picture to tell a story, and it's one to which we can all relate. Credit Acricole sprinter Thor Hushovd has just returned from a soiree of some kind, and he's taking his pet panther for a walk before turning in for the night. They are clearly in the upscale section of a cosmopolitan city. It could be London, or Paris, or Monte Carlo, though presumably it's someplace where they don't have leash laws and where it's legal to keep predatory animals as pets. As they perambulate, they pass a display case containing a Look frameset, and Thor gives it a glance that says, "Yeah, I have one of those, and I'd be out riding it if it weren't late and I weren't walking my panther." It's the same glance all men recognize as the one you get from other men at red lights when you're on your bike and they aren't because they've been roped into going clothes shopping or something, so they look at your bike condescendingly as if to say, "Yeah, I've got one of those too. Not only that, but it's better than yours and I'd be dropping you right now if I weren't on my way to Old Navy." Maybe they even whisper some quip about your bike to their girlfriend, who couldn't care less and who gets mad at them for thinking about bikes when they're supposed to be together shopping.

I think we can all agree that this is an incredibly persuasive and seductive ad, precisely because it taps into the profound connection that humans and panthers share. Previous examples of the power of the human/panther bond in our culture are:

The Pink Panther;

The Black Panthers;

Owens Corning PINK Fiberglass Insulation;

and of course LL Cool J.

Clearly Look did their homework before launching their panther ad campaign, because they've evoked LL Cool J's "Walking with a Panther" album, which heretofore stood as the apex of panther-themed marketing campaigns. This incredibly successful album contained such hits as "Goin' Back to Cali," "I'm That Type of Guy," and "Big Ole Butt." Like the Look ad, this picture tells a story. It's also the story of a man and his giant cat, both of whom have a fondness for jewelry. There's also a fascinating ambiguity. Is the panther in LL's employ, or vice-versa? And what's in the suitcase that would need to be protected so fiercely? Is it LL's metaphorical cool? Is it the master tapes for the very album we're looking at? Is it spare four-finger rings? Whatever it is, it's beguiling, and it's definitely the template for the Look campaign.

And Look didn't just stop with the Hushovd ad either. They've also got a few with just the panther. Here's the panther pacing anxiously in the Look display case, having perhaps just killed and devoured his keeper:

And here's the panther admiring Look's latest pedal offerings:

By now you're probably thinking that Look didn't actually use a real panther for these photos. Not only would that have been dangerous, but the cost of a professional panther wrangler alone would have put them well over budget. But I have it on good authority that they did in fact use a real cat. However, they did need to resort to trickery in order to get it to stare so longingly at those pedals:

(Rotisserie chicken--works every time.)

And here's the panther admiring the frameset:

If you're suspecting more baiting-and-switching here too, you're right:

Heavens to Murgatroid! Yep, that's effeminate cartoon mountain lion Snagglepuss with whom our panther is so taken. In fact, if you look closely you'll see he's even fogged up the glass! It would appear then that our black panther may be a pink panther as well. (Or a female panther with poorly-functioning gaydar.)

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Makin' It Stick: How to Install Tubular Tires

The “Tubulars vs. Clinchers” debate is a heated one—at least, it used to be until I settled it once and for all awhile back. However, there still are valid reasons for using them, so we shan’t be seeing their sticky undersides permanently rolling off the rim of cycling any time soon. If you’re new to cycling and are unfamiliar with tubulars, they are those tires that you glue onto your rim, and some other common names for them are sew-ups, tubs, tubies, singles, wheel gaskets, glue-gutted rim adders, Sissy Spacek’s lips, Brandt baiters, and Flemish rubbers.

I’m not going to go into the reasons you might want to choose a tubular over a clincher. Maybe you want to run low tire pressure, or you don’t like how clinchers look sticking out of the pocket of your wool jersey, or you just like playing with glue. Or maybe you’ve found that clincher tires simply don’t perform well on your tubular wheelset. Whatever--you have your reasons and it’s none of my business. All I’m concerned with is making sure you know how to keep them stuck to your rims so you don’t kill me if I find myself riding near you. Of course, arguments about how to properly glue up a tubular are even older than the tubular/clincher debate, so it can be difficult to separate fact from myth. Well, forget everything you’ve ever learned, because I’m proud to present my definitive guide for mounting tubulars in five easy steps:

1) Stretch the Tire

A tire must be properly stretched in order to fit easily onto your rim. Traditional methods such as mounting them unglued on a dry rim or simply standing on them and stretching them by hand are generally insufficient. The best method is to slip the tire over a street sign and then fasten it to the bumper or ball hitch of your car. Then put the car in gear and slowly accelerate. Once the street sign begins to bend the tire should be sufficiently stretched.

If you don’t have access to a car you can also use the human self-preservation instinct to stretch your tire. Simply slip your tire over a neighbor’s doorknob and then fasten the other end to a cleat on a stationary object like a wall. Then pound on the door and yell, “Fire, fire!” Your neighbor’s frantic and futile attempts to flee the “inferno” in which he or she is now trapped should provide more than enough stretching force—and hilarity!

2) Age the Tire

As any old mechanic will tell you, a tire needs to be properly aged to insure maximum puncture resistance. Ideally, this should involve storing it in a musty basement for no less than a year. However, few of us have that kind of time. If you simply must use your tire sooner rather than later, save up a week’s worth of dirty cycling shorts. Then, place the tire along with the shorts, two cups of vinegar, and three teaspoons of mayonnaise in a plastic garbage bag and leave it under the sink for a week. By the end of the week you should have a properly aged tire as well as an infestation of some kind.

3) Prep the Rim

Some people say you should start with a completely clean rim. Others say you should leave the old glue on there since it provides a base to which the new glue can adhere. The fact is that it doesn’t matter. Regardless of the condition of your rim, take it outside and rub the rim bed on an abrasive surface like a curb or the corner of a brick wall. You should do this at night, because until you see sparks you’re not using enough force. Do this until the entire rim bed is hot and rough to the touch. I call this the “Thomas’ English Muffin” technique, because it creates lots of nooks and crannies in which the adhesive can hide.

4) Make your Adhesive

This is yet another subject everybody argues about. One rider’s favorite brand of tubular glue is the culprit in another rider’s rolled tire nightmare story. Some swear by red glue, others by clear. Some use tape instead of glue. And some even use adhesives not designed for tires, such as 3M Fastack.

The truth is, they’re all terrible. The best tire glue can be made cheaply and easily at home. Put four cups of natural honey in a mixing bowl. Then add two teaspoons of Krazy Glue, one tablespoon of kerosene, and three egg yolks and whip vigorously with a whisk for about a minute. That’s it—you’re done!

(Not only does this make a great adhesive, but you can also use the leftovers to make your own energy bars. Just stir in a box of Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch and let cool in the fridge overnight. It’s so filling you may never eat again.)

5) Mount the Tire

Take a paintbrush, apply a thin coat of glue to your rim bed and another to the base tape of the tire. Let dry for 20 minutes as you walk urgently in circles, count toothpicks that have fallen on the floor with uncanny accuracy, mutter about how you’re a very good driver, and cite Quantas’ crash-free record. Then, apply a second coat to the rim and carefully mount your tire. While I generally advise dressing semi-formally for the occasion when you’re doing bike maintenance, in this case I suggest you avoid wearing a neck tie or bollo tie while you mount a tubular as it’s possible it may get stuck in between the rim and the tire and madcap hilarity may ensue.

Once the tire is mounted, inflate partially and let it dry overnight. Then, inflate to full pressure, install the wheel, and ride as usual! (Taking pains of course to avoid: descents that involve prolonged braking; glass, gravel, or other types of road debris; riding in extremely hot weather; riding in extremely cold weather; aggressive cornering; aggressive straight-line riding; riding near beehives; and any situation that might necessitate a tire change.)

Oh yeah—don’t forget to savor that magical tubular ride quality!

Mayday, Mayday! Gearing Up for Bike Month

Did you know that next month is National Bike Month? Yep, that’s right, we’ve got our own month all to ourselves! Now I don’t know about you, but I’m tremendously excited. I feel like Tom Cruise in “Risky Business” right after his parents left town and he called Rebecca De Mornay but right before the pimp stole all his furniture. In fact, I’m so psyched for Bike Month I hardly know what to do first! So for some guidance, I went over to the League of American Bicyclists website, where they have a handy PDF full of suggestions. Here were my five favorites:

#2. Decorate a cake or cookies with a bicycle theme.

Decorate a cake?!? You don't have to tell me twice! The only thing I enjoy more than baking scrumptious desserts is whimsically adorning my creations with delightful decorations. And my Bike Month cake is already done. It's the Mario Cipollini "Mmm, Smell My Fingers!" cake. Nobody knows for sure where those hands have been nor what they smell like (though "crotchy" is probably a good guess), but one thing's for sure: the cake's delicious.

#5. Try a New Type of Cycling: Cyclocross

Hey, I'm all for people trying cyclocross, but I can't stress enough that it is not a "running race, with a bicycle added for extra excitement..." The bicycle is not incidental in cyclocross--the running is. This is the kind of misconception that leads some people to liken cyclocross to triathlon, which is one of the most egregious and offensive comparisons you can make to a cyclocross racer. It's sort of like calling a Japanese person Chinese, or an Irish person English. "Whatever, same thing. You both use chopsticks." Riiight. Plus, Bike Month is in May, and you're not going to find too many cyclocross races going on in the Spring. What do they recommend for June, ice fishing?

#28. Attend a local cycling race.

This is an exceedingly bad piece of advice. If it's May, chances are your "local cycling race" is an amateur road race. And there is nothing more boring than watching an amateur road race. I'd rather watch traffic on the LIE than watch an amateur road race. At least you can always see cars on the LIE. An amateur road race though consists of a bunch of roadies going by, then nothing for like 20 minutes, then the group zipping by again, then nothing, and finally a sprint followed by excuses and long-winded protests to the officials. We want to keep people interested in cycling, not put them off of it. Sure, there are some races that aren't boring to watch, just like there are some movies starring John Travolta that aren't awful. But in both cases they're so rare that it's not worth the risk--it's better to just avoid them altogether. So unless you are a racer yourself, do not--I repeat, do not--attend a local cycling race.

#31. Attach playing card to your bike wheel and ride around like you did when you were a little kid.

This pretty much describes every fixed-gear rider in Williamsburg, for whom every month is apparently Bike Month. Do I have to use risers on a 90mm stem too?

#48. Ride a different bike than usual: Try a tandem, a tricycle or a unicycle!

Now this is a piece of advice I can get behind--not because it would be fun to do myself, but because it would be tremendously entertaining to watch. I'd love it if for the entire month of May cyclists were forced to ride completely unfamiliar machines. I'm imagining roadies falling all over themselves on mountain bike trails; recumbent riders struggling to stay upright on unicycles, and Rivendell riders hunched painfully over Pinarellos. If we all took this advice, Bike Month would be an anarchic, floundering free-for-all. On second thought, though, for a lot of riders every day is an anarchic, floundering free-for-all. It certainly describes my commute this morning, which consisted largely of dodging fawn-legged fair-weather riders on their bikes for the first time since last Fall. In any event, I'm looking forward to kicking back with a slice of Cipollini cake and watching the insanity.

From The BSNYC News Desk: Shorts, Not Briefs

As the riding and racing season shifts into the big ring there’s a lot happening in the world of cycling. And when it comes to cycling-related news, I try to stay at the front of the pack. Following are some important developments of which I think you should be aware as well, so hop on my wheel and read on.

First, in the self-aggrandizing department, I’m proud to announce that I’ve been quoted in the current issue of VeloNews:

Naturally I’m honored, but unfortunately the honor is bittersweet. (If that’s even possible for an honor.) Like many politicians and public figures, my words were taken out of context, and were shrewdly manipulated by VeloNews in order to change the meaning and cast me in a bad light. They actually left out the entire second half of the quote, which was: “Furthermore, I don’t see why people make such a big deal about pedophilia anyway. RTMS is bigger than Jesus.” Had they simply left that in, I wouldn’t have looked like such an idiot.

Moving on, also in VeloNews, I noticed Cannondale’s latest ad campaign (click here for legible text):

Basically, Specialized apparently attempted to poach Cannondale's engineers in the wake of the Dorel acquisition. So Cannondale has turned it around on them, the insinuation being that this proves even their biggest competitor recognizes Cannondale’s superiority.

Of course, the email in the ad doesn’t specify what positions Specialized was actually looking to fill. There very well may be some text that was edited out of that email which would change the implications drastically:

Positions We’re Looking to Fill

--Warehouse Sweepers
--Specialized Angels (must have own thong)
--Personal Foot Masseuse to Mike Sinyard
--Zertz Inserter
--Tom Boonen Punster
(The Tom Boonen Punster will be responsible for coming up with clever puns—or "Boon Mots," if you will—about Specialized athlete Tom Boonen for our ad campaigns. If you can come up with something as clever as “The Tominator,” you’ll be a boon to our team! Paris-Roubaix-based puns such as “Yeah, Roux-baby!” are also acceptable. “Boner”-related puns however are unacceptable, especially ones like “Bonin’ Boonen Pops Top Too Soon.” I wish people would stop emailing us that.)

Lastly, I recently noticed the following internet advertisement for the Lowe’s chain of stores:

Apart from the fact that that’s a pretty good price for carpet installation, at first glance it seems pretty unremarkable. Moreover, it has absolutely nothing to do with cycling. Or does it? Take a closer look:

I’ll be damned if that isn’t Rock Racing’s Fred “Fast Freddie” Rodriguez laying down some shag. Despite the recent news that the beleaguered Rock Racing will get to ride in the Tour of Georgia after all, the fact that Rodriguez is moonlighting as either a male model or an actual carpet installation technician does not bode well for the future of the team. In search of further clues, I visited Fast Freddie’s own website, but the only thing I learned is that he is “very excited about my new team for 2005.”

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads SPECIAL EDITION: Feeling the High PistaDex

(Image by Erik K)

The PistaDex in New York City is currently at a lofty 550, and it would appear that the superb weather coupled with the Papal visit have conspired to keep the Apocalyptic horses at bay. The Pista market here is in fact so tight right now that only one is for sale:

Chrome Bianchi Pista 57cm - $550 (Williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/638726391.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-11, 2:42PM EDT

2007 chrome Pista track bike, decal free! Mostly stock but a few upgrades: Nitto B123 bars, Nitto 65 seat post, Vittoria Rubino tires, Cane Creek headset and front brakes.

Overall the bike is in very good condition with a few scratches from riding it daily. I swapped out the wheels, pedals and saddle right after I bought it, so these are pretty much brand new.

Moving soon and need to sell asap!

Indeed, for the most part this is a fairly unremarkable ad; a “mostly stock” Pista with the usual assortment of stock upgrades being offered for about what a new one would cost. It’s more or less insanity-free. (Except for the price.) However, this particular post does feature one of my favorite motifs, which is the “moving and need to sell” element. I’m not sure why so many ads—especially those for fixed-gears—specify this as a reason for selling. You know, it is possible to move with a bike. In fact, it’s even possible to move by bike. Nonetheless, many a Pista is put out to pasture when it comes time to move the trailer to a new park.

Of course, an out-of-town move is another story, and that could certainly be the case here. Shipping or flying with a bike can be prohibitively expensive. It would also explain the high asking price, since the seller is probably moving to a new city with an equally high PistaDex, and he’ll need every cent he can get in order to re-Pista himself upon arrival without incurring a loss. It’s no wonder then that the PistaDex is so high in cities like New York, Portland, Seattle, San Francisco, and LA. As the fixed-gear riding populations move from city to city they discard and replace their Pistas like hermit crabs discard and replace their shells. Sadly, this is an excellent example of why the notion of a “cycling community” is a myth. If such a thing really did exist, each city would simply have a “lending library” of Pistas. Just take one when you arrive, and leave it behind when you move on to the next city. It would be a giant “take a penny, leave a penny” tray of Pistas.

Another effect of the high PistaDex is the bicycle chop shop. In between the individuals selling their own bicycles and the legitimate retailers with storefronts is that scary grey area inhabited by nefarious entrepreneurs who prey upon those who have been priced out of fixed-geardom by the track bike explosion. I’ve written about these sorts of operations before. And while the fixed-gear meth lab featured in that post seems to have disappeared, another one seems to have sprung up in Sheepshead Bay:




Track Single Gear Free Wheel Schwinn Yellow Bicycle Deep V Rims - $280 (Sheepshead Bay Bklyn) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/636433998.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-09, 5:05PM EDT



Pleased to present a Track Single Gear Free Wheel Schwinn Yellow Bicycle Deep V Rims. This bicycle is in perfect working condition with new parts such as, Deep V Rims, tubes & tires, cables, break levers, grips, handle bars and chain. The frame is 22'' inches (56 CM) & the rims are 700 x 25C. We have many more bicycles of the same style & other styles (Over 120); including accessories, locks, racks & front baskets. Deliver is available & Please email or call me (347) 733-[deleted] Peter; if you have any questions & Thank you for your inquire. Note: All of our bicycles are professionally tuned & reconditioned.

Peter's no dummy. He's got his finger on the pulse of bike culture and he knows what it is that the kids want: deep Vs and risers. This baby's got "stunting" written all over it--it's even got a bash guard on the crank! But Peter also knows that not everybody is a fixed-gear freestyler. Some riders also want a more traditional steed. That's why he also offers this:

...Track Single Gear Free Wheel Schwinn Brown Bicycle Deep V Rims with mustache handle bars or can be converted to any other style handle bars (many styles avail). This bicycle is in perfect working condition with new parts such as rims, tires & tubes, chain, pedals, cables, aero dynamic seat and handle bar wraps.

The brown is both classy and classic, but I'm pretty sure those aren't moustache bars. I'm thinking maybe Peter saw the term mentioned on a fixed-gear site somewhere and figured he should use it. Peter does know aerodynamics though, and I have no doubt that seat will cut through the wind like a karate master could cut through that piece of plywood in the background. And while different from the previous bike, this one does retain certain Peter signatures like the bash guard and the extremely low saddle position. It's a well thought-out ride all around.

But even Peter knows the PistaDex is liable to plummet at any moment, and he's certainly not about to be caught out. He's also offering this one for the aspiring racer:

And this one, whose all-metal spoke protector evokes a time when pie plates really meant something:

Oh yeah--what about those other 120 bikes Peter mentions in every ad? There they are, out back:

So whether you aspire to be on Fixedgeargallery or Old Ten Speed Gallery, see Peter. He's pushing the good stuff.

Ducks In A Row: Foiled At Roubaix

I have absolutely no interest in watching sports. Football, baseball, basketball, soccer, whatever--to me it’s about as interesting as watching a flock of pigeons fighting over breadcrumbs in the park. As such, I don’t care about any of my local teams either, and I couldn’t tell you a single thing about any of them. To me it’s just all background noise at the bar. The exception, though, is cycling. Like many cyclists, I do follow bike racing. And as a New Yorker, our home team is a team of one: George Hincapie.

George Hincapie is from Long Island, and as a teenager he used to ride away from the fields in Central and Prospect Park in the very same races that 40-something lawyers pay coaches in order to finish in the top 20 to this day. He also rode for the Toga and Mengoni teams. He’s the proverbial “local boy made good.”

Of course, what we all really want in New York is for George to win Paris-Roubaix, and I don’t have to tell you that we’ve been terribly disappointed year after year. This time, it would appear mechanical problems were to blame. Though some reports indicate George flatted, others indicate it was actually a wheel failure. According to VeloNews:

He was riding at the front on the Bersée section of cobblestones, 53km from the finish, and racing as well as he has ever ridden in the Hell of the North, when his rear wheel broke. “I had great legs,” Hincapie said, “but there was nothing I could do.”

George himself also states on his website:

I am very disappointed with the outcome of the race on Sunday. I had great legs all day and was doing everything right. Unfortunately, I had a mechanical at a very critical moment. I eventually got a new wheel, but the leaders turned on the gas when they saw me stop. I worked hard to get back on, but at this level of competition, there is no room for bad luck.

Note he says “mechanical,” not “flat.”

George was obviously riding well, and as usual he had the form to win. His critics always say that he doesn’t have the winning attitude, but that’s not what seems to have done him in here. After all, can we blame George when his equipment doesn’t carry him to the finish?

You’re damn right we can!

Anyone who’s followed cycling for more than a season knows you come to Paris-Roubaix with 32- or 36-spoke box-section handbuilt wheels. You don’t ride stupid Hed carbon wheels, which is what George did. I only hope they paid him a lot of money to do that. After all, that’s the only possible explanation. Because watching George roll off the line on those things must have been like watching someone heading towards some Class V rapids in a glass-bottom kayak, and unless some huge sums of cash had changed hands I can’t imagine why nobody stopped him. Hed seem to be keeping mum: the only race-related news on their site involves some freak in a half-shirt.

Naturally, Versus did not see fit to broadcast Paris-Roubaix last Sunday, opting instead to show bull riding or something, so I’ve been forced to piece together the events of the race from VeloNews's live internet coverage. Following is a reenactment featuring highlights from the race that I’ve created in order to get some closure on the event, with ducks playing all the key roles:


05:08 AM: The peloton

is still pretty much together, with all of the favorites - Backstedt, Boonen, Hincapie, Flecha, Hammond, Cancellara - in the mix.

(The favorites are together.)

05:40 AM: The pace

in the peloton is high. We see Hincapie, Boonen, Backstedt and the whole CSC crew up there in good position. Flecha, meanwhile is chasing hard... but he may be facing a tough day. He's on the wheel of Pozzato, who was caught in that crash.

(Flecha trailing behind the leaders.)

05:41 AM: Backstedt

looks like he's losing ground... he may not have it today.

(Big Magnus Backstedt wears a mask of pain. Of course it turned out he also opted for carbon wheels--which broke. Good choice, Maggie.)

05:54 AM: The three leaders are

just 50 seconds ahead of a hard-charging chase group of about 25 or 30. We see Hammond and Hincapie in there. Backstedt is in there. Boonen is probably the big fav' in this mix.

(Big fav' Tom Boonen, resplendent in his euro-hawk.)

06:15 AM: One rider

we don't see in there is Backstedt. We thought he was in there, but he had a tough time in the Arenberg.

(Backstedt is nowhere to be seen.)

06:25 AM: Section 13

The lead group of 30 is entering section 13 - Beuvry-la-Foret at Orchies, Km 194: 1400 m (3) - and Pozatto is back in the group. We see Boonen, Devolder, Pozzato, Hoste, Ballan, Flecaha, Hincapie, Wesemann, Nuyens, Hammond and Quinziato

(The lead group of 30.)

06:38 AM: With 56km remaining

the lead group is mostly back together. Hincapie has had a flat... he's trailing.

(Hincapie is rendered a lame duck by wheel failure.)

06:40 AM: Hincapie

has a slow leak and is not getting help from the team car. He's been dropped and is hoping for a wheel. He's finally getting a wheel, but the gap is big. He's got a big, big job ahead of him.

(It's all over for George...)

Sitting In and Bowing Out: The Art of Pass/Fail Racing

Cycling should be an enjoyable endeavor. However, sometimes despite our best efforts we wind up in situations on the bike that are simply no fun. Such situations include: having accidents; getting caught in severe weather; and, perhaps worst of all, becoming involved in an amateur road race. Of course, the first two circumstances can be avoided or mitigated with caution and preparation. As for the third one, though, chances are that if you find yourself in an amateur road race in the first place you’re the sort of person who seeks suffering rather than avoids it. If you simply must participate in amateur road racing, here are some tips to help ameliorate the adverse effects:

Know Your Limits

There is a fine line between ambition and delusion. The former is the fuel for success, and the latter is the way to ruin. I believe it was either Sheldon Brown or Ben Franklin who said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” This is especially true when it comes to road racing. Basically, if you’ve never won a race before, you’re not suddenly going to start winning them now. So settle down, pick a wheel to follow, and stay out of trouble.

Unfortunately, though, too many people fail to realize this, especially in the lower categories, where everybody stupidly sees him-or herself as a potential winner. When everyone’s going for the podium the result is a pile-up. It becomes like some moronic slapstick routine where eight people bend down to pick up the same $100 bill and just end up bashing their heads together as a gentle breeze carries the money down the street.

The reason the higher categories generally see fewer crashes is not because they’ve acquired better riding skills over the years; rather, it’s because higher-category riders have been psychically beaten into submission. Their wills have been broken, they’ve admitted to themselves that they don’t have a chance, and they ride accordingly. In real life, if more than like 50% of the country believes it should be running it, you’re going to have a civil war. In a race, if more than half the field thinks it can win you can expect carnage on wheels. So don't be part of the problem.

Race Pass/Fail

So you’ve admitted you’re a loser. Congratulations, and welcome to mediocrity! Please come in and make yourself comfortable. Would you like a Shasta? Believe it or not, embracing your inner “meh” is one of the most positive things you can do as a cyclist. And now that you’re coming to terms with this, it’s time to re-evaluate your goals. Clearly, winning is out of the question for you, so the next best thing is helping someone else win. Well, that’s all very nice, but what’s in it for you? More importantly, once your job is done and the winning break is up the road what’s your motivation for staying in the race?

In this case we can look to the halls of academe for an answer, and that answer is to race “Pass/Fail.” This simply means finishing=passing and getting dropped=failing. Over the years, I’ve learned that riding for a place is discouraging. However, if you treat simply finishing the race as success you can strive for—and attain—something close to perfection. Remember: success is how you define it. And when it comes to defining things in a manner that suits my own purposes, I’m like Robert Cawdrey with an Erasermate.


Employ Tactics

Road racing is all about tactics. Unfortunately, the tactical advice you get from books and magazines is intended for winners or for people who aspire to be winners. As such, it doesn't apply to you. Using that stuff for pass/fail racing is like trying to assemble a piece of Ikea furniture by following Mapquest directions to Chuck E. Cheese. You’re not interested in winning, you’re interested in surviving. Here are three key pieces of advice for the survival of the pass/fail racer:

Go Where The Most People Are

If you see a group of people go up the road that has less people in it than the group you’re in, stay where you are! What’s happening is that a selection is being made, and trust me when I tell you don’t want to be a part of it. The first rule of pass/fail racing is to avoid breakaways. Being in a breakaway is like going from a cushy job at a big company with a regular paycheck to a really hard job at a tiny company where you have to work 16 hour days on commission only and people are always yelling at you. And trust me—someone will yell at you. Every break has a self-appointed driver who is really mean and constantly shouts stuff like, “Short pulls!” and “Rotate!” and “Pull off into the wind!” and then gets indignant when you say “But I don’t wanna rotate!” since just want to sit on the back crying because you miss those fun cubicle days when all your friends were around and you didn’t have to do any real work. I mean, seriously, if you want to suffer do a cyclocross race.

Conversely, if you’re in one group and you suddenly realize the group up the road has much more people than the one you’re in, that means you’re probably being dropped. If possible, get back to the group with more people in it. (Shouting at someone else to “Close the gap!” can be helpful here.)

Savor the Slowness

There are times in the race when the pace will slow for no apparent reason. This is a good thing for the pass/fail racer, as it is an opportunity to relax and enjoy. Occasionally though, you may be tempted to try to lift the pace or “make a move.” But it is absolutely essential to always remember the first rule of pass/fail racing and stay where the people are. Because if you do go off the front, nobody’s going to follow you since you’re a pass/fail racer and they are too and they know better than to get mixed up in some fool’s errand with you. Then you wind up alone in no-man’s land. If you don’t know what no-man’s land is, it’s kind of like that period after you learned what the cycling-related jokes on the Primal jerseys meant, but before you figured out that it was totally uncool to wear them, so you just rode around alone wearing a Primal jersey and looking ridiculous. And that’s what will happen if you go off the front. You’ll wind up alone, between the field and the break, looking ridiculous.

Work Only Out of Craven Self-Preservation

There is only one situation in which it is acceptable for the pass/fail racer to accelerate or attempt to move up through the field, and that’s at the beginning of any sort of incline. This is a widely-known rule, but it’s one of the few that’s actually designed for the pass/fail racer and so it bears repeating here. What you want to do is move to the front of the group at the start of the climb so that as you continue up it you can slowly drift back through the group instead of struggling to stay on. Hopefully, by the time you get to the top of the incline you haven’t already been spit out the back. This is the equivalent of periodically selling something you own for quick cash so you can enjoy a few months of easy living instead of simply working hard all the time.


Premature Withdrawal

Road racing isn’t like other types of racing. In a cyclocross race, you stay in the race until you finish or until you’re pulled, even if nobody’s near you. In a mountain bike race, you keep racing regardless of your position as well, unless you’ve got an irreparable mechanical problem, or unless you’re me and you just wanna go home. But in road racing, if you find yourself dropped and alone, you stop racing. This is perfectly acceptable, and it’s because, unlike other activities, road racing is not done for fun. It’s done out of obligation. So once your race is over there’s simply no point in carrying on.

Of course, there are times you may want to leave the race even before you’ve gotten dropped. Technically, this is unacceptable. However, there are a few ways to do it while saving face. They are:

Get a Flat

Be honest: who hasn’t prayed for a puncture during periods of extreme physical duress? If you simply want out, try to steer towards gravel or bits of broken glass. If possible, ride in the gutter, where these sorts of things accumulate. Also, if there’s any kind of neutral wheel service, be sure to start the race on a bicycle that is incompatible with modern-day drivetrains. There’s no way the mechanic’s going to be able to cram a 10-speed wheel with 130mm spacing into your 120mm-spaced frame quick enough for you to get back in the race. And even if he does, it's not going to work with your Huret rear derailleur. Best of all, you can blame not only bad luck but also bicycle marketing and gimmickry for your failure to finish.

Unfortunately, getting a flat on purpose isn’t always easy, but you’ll just have to try your best until I start selling my Deflat-O-Mat 3000, which will instantly induce double-flats via a discreet handlebar-mounted trigger disguised as a cycle computer.

Have a Mechanical

There are innumerable ways to feign component failure. My personal favorite is the Hincapie ‘06. Remember the moment his steerer tube broke in Paris-Roubaix and he sat there for a moment studying his disembodied handlebars in disbelief before he crashed spectacularly? You can easily replicate this yourself by simply carrying a multi-tool in your jersey and subtly unbolting your stem. When it’s time to throw in the towel, simply slide the stem off the steerer tube and you’ll be out of the race in no time. (You can also do a Hincapie ’08—wheel failures can be induced by opening a skewer with your foot.)

And of course this all leads to the best but most dangerous way to leave a race:

Have a Crash

A good crash requires no explanation. Of course, it might require hospitalization, so this method should be used sparingly. If possible, steer towards grass or haybales.

Worst of Craigslist: Disparate, Desperate, Borderline Criminal Bike Love

Yesterday New York City was fairly oozing with Springy goodness like an overstuffed vernal jelly donut, and if you live here and own a bike you were out on it yesterday after work. Every conceivable type of bicycle and rider was on display, and it was a glorious sight to behold. In fact, I even got to see that rarest of flowers: the rider wearing a sleeveless jersey and armwarmers. There is no surer sign of fair weather than this, and I simultaneously wanted to rejoice and vomit. (In the end I did a little bit of both.)

Given the warm weather and the robust Pistadex of 550, it would stand to reason that there would be an uptick in bike-related Missed Connections, and a brief visit to that section of Craiglist proved that this was indeed the case. Here are just a few of the more disturbing ones:

looking for the one! - w4m (Greenwich Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637889623.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-11, 12:19AM EDT

I'm a bit of a workaholic, but I truly enjoy my profession. My spare time is spent at the Cards' or Blues' games, on my mountain bike, working on my house, reading and doing crossword puzzles, spending quality time with friends or my small zoo of pets. I love to volunteer for a few special causes. As far as entertainment goes, I primarily like comedies and I love a good stand-up performer. My TV must haves are Rescue Me and Weeds. I love the fiction of Carl Hiaasen, Lawrence Shames and Tim Dorsey although I am currently on a nonfiction kick. I am a huge fan of red wines, especially zinfandels and pinot noirs, and I love going out to new restaurants. I'm sarcastic as a rule, self-depricating, goofy, and sometimes too honest for my own good. My only requirements are someone with a good sense of humor and must love animals. Beyond that, I all depends on chemistry. Still interested, drop me a line.

The reiteration of the animal caveat here is disturbing. I get a sense that many a relationship has ended prematurely due to the menagerie in which this woman apparently lives. In fact, it's obvious to me that this ad was written by "Being John Malkovich" Cameron Diaz. So if you're considering answering this ad, it's a tough call. On one hand, it's Cameron Diaz, and even with the frumpy hair and wardrobe you could do a lot worse. (Kind of like getting a good deal on a nice frame because it's got a mediocre component group.) On the other hand, well, there's having to change monkey diapers. So I leave it up to you to decide.

Well done!! An exceptional showing..ladies girls and women of NYC (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637657211.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-10, 5:07PM EDT

This is a personal Thank You to all of the exceptional ladies who graced this warm and lovely day with their warm and lovely persons..All of you should really take a bow.

I took the day to make my first serious bike ride through the city..and I wished I had a camera every moment.
The beauty with the dark hair who was just starting to feel the sun..her black curls and lovely tan skin gracing our somber air space on 13th street.(okay..i flirted shamelessly I admit it)
The beautiful women..with their teenage daughters..showing the younger generation what it takes to be ...just simply sexy!
The blondes who were having a field day with the sunshine...
The asian girl at the entrance of central park...her bare legs under her skirt recovering from the morning goose bumps..

such a day..from my observations, 10% of you just put your heads down and let the warm weather clothes be your guide from the moment you went out...just braving the morning chill(freezing your asses off)
The other 90% found the clothes of winter peeling away...

All of you finding a place to grace the sunshine..making it shine the brighter.

A truly lovely day.....from a devoutly appreciative man..

There are times I feel nothing but sympathy and compassion for the women of New York City, and this is one of those times. I can imagine nothing worse than being pursued by some leering, slavering, cat-calling letch on a bicyle, his hormones raging like buttermilk in a churn due to the weather and the sight of a little skin. This guy is definitely a Post headline in the making: "Pedal Perv Pants at Skirts." So if you happen to see a portly bug-eyed middle-aged man on a department store Magna drooling, call the authorities or simply immobilize and restrain him if you have the equipment. I realize this describes most Magna riders, but for the sake of our city's women we can't be too careful.

looking for a girl with amazing Bright red hair - m4w - 33 (Greenwich Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637223397.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-10, 11:36AM EDT

Was riding my bike yesterday up 6th ave when I stopped at the red light and watched you and your amazing hair cross the street at W 4th around 3pm. We exchanged glances. I was the crazy looking guy on my old green schwinn with shaggy hair, ray bans, and a flourescent orange camo trucker hat, khaki scarf.
You were dressed in greys and blacks with a beret like hat, your day glow red hair peaking out. fair skin and an elegant nose.
Biggest mistake of an otherwise perfect day was not stopping you to ask if you'd had lunch yet when we exchanged glances. speachless.
Don't know who reads these things but if you know this girl help me find her.
thanks

It's interesting that he specifies "you and your amazing hair" were crossing the street. Was the hair not on her? Was she carrying a wig across the street on one of those syrofoam heads? Was she being trailed by a little red merkin with legs? Personally, I'd like to see these two get together since they sound like they'd make a visually stunning couple. So if you know any wig-toting women with elegant noses (and possibly pet merkins) drop this guy a line.

The girl in black on 14th st. around 2:00pm - m4w - 23 (Union Square) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/636703029.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-09, 8:59PM EDT

you: tall girl, wearing all black. standing on the corner of E. 14th st. and Union Square E. waiting for the signal to change while looking arrestingly beautiful. if the sartorialist was around, he definitely would have been photographing you.

me: long hair, in a grey hoodie, blue jeans - walking up to the corner with my bike. i turned down broadway and thought about you all the way to brooklyn.

i was running late, or i would have asked you to have a cup of coffee with me. maybe another time?

if you get this, email me and tell me what color my bike was.

"Is 'Pista' a color?"

This Just In: Deep-Section Rims Provide Excellent Opportunity for Self-Expression!

This photo, courtesy of the inestimable photographer "Sucka Pants," is an inspiring example of how color choice is only the beginning when it comes to expressing yourself through your rims. Indeed, all it takes is a strong opinion, a little ingenuity, and a few vinyl stick-on letters to tell your many haters just what they can or can't do with your testicles. And extra points to this rider for spacing the letters fairly evenly and for orienting his compelling slogan opposite the valve stem.


Also, while I have your attention, I'd like to relay some other important news as well. If you're as big an Opinionated Cyclist fan as I am, you'll be pleased to know that official Opinionated Cyclist merchandise is now available. You can learn more about it in his latest video, aptly titled "Are you a fan of OC? Now you can show everyone."

Thanks very much for your attention. I now return you to "This Land Is Your Land, This Land Is My Land."

(Flag by Erik K)

Don't Tread On Me: Building a Nation of Cyclists

So I’ve been watching this “John Adams” thing on HBO with the guy from “Sideways.” Apart from being entertaining, it’s also informative. For example, did you know that before America was the United States it used to be part of England? Well, it’s true. Granted, that was a long time ago—sometime after the Civil War if I’m not mistaken—but yeah, we actually had to fight England to gain our independence.

The main reason this happened was because a bunch of Americans thought it was unfair that they had to pay all these taxes to England and do all this stuff for them, even though it didn’t serve their own interests. And this got me thinking. As cyclists, we’re a lot like those early Americans. We pay taxes for roads that are designed primarily for automobiles. We’re saddled with a medical care system that’s overburdened by non-cyclists who are chronically ill due to their sedentary lifestyles. And worst of all, we have to go to work and stuff, even when it’s really nice out and we’d rather be riding.

So I started thinking more. In fact, I thought so hard I almost fell off my bike, since I find it difficult to think and ride at the same time. I asked myself, “What is cycling?” Is it a sport? Yeah, sure, for some. Is it a job? It can be. Is it a hobby? A social scene? A form of transportation? A lifestyle? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. And then it hit me like an overzealous new brakeless Pista owner on his way home from the bike shop. Cycling is all that and more. We are a nation.

As a nation, I think we should start acting like one. Now, you’re probably wondering what I mean by that. Do I mean that we should start putting aside our differences, respecting one another, and working together to advance the common good? No freaking way. I’ve been to that nation already. It’s called Canada, it’s extremely boring, and I have no intention of going back. No, what I mean is that we should stand up and demand recognition as a nation. In the meantime, there’s stuff we have and stuff we need. Let’s take a look.

STUFF WE NEED:

Our Own Holiday

As a people we desperately need our own holiday. And I’m not talking about one of those underground holidays either, like Buy Nothing Day or 4/20. Buy Nothing Day is insulting, since there are people on this planet for whom every day is Buy Nothing Day, and I’m sure they’d appreciate it if instead of celebrating Buy Nothing Day people celebrated Buy Us Something Because We’re Starving Day. And 4/20 is just dumb. A day where you don’t go to work and just smoke weed all day? Uh, I know plenty of pot smokers, and that day is called Wednesday. And anyway, these days already cover the 31 year-old “promising amateur road racers” who live out of their cars, and the mountain bike and messenger communities respectively.

No, we need a legitimate, publicly-recognized holiday that’s all ours. And since we’re never going to agree on a day, I say we hijack a holiday that already exists. So why not Arbor Day? Nobody’s using it, and it seems to have been replaced with Earth Day anyway. So let’s just change Arbor Day to Cyclists Day.

Our Own Homeland

OK, this may be a tall order, but as a nation I think a homeland would be great for our self-esteem. Unfortunately, most of the Earth’s real estate is not only already claimed, but is also under dispute. So I think we might just have to steal a little patch of grass for ourselves. And the patch I propose is Long Island.

This may seem like an unlikely choice, but Long Island has a lot going for it as a cycling homeland. It’s big, but you can cycle its entire length in a day. It’s got some nice mountain bike trails, and some nice roads too. It’s got good beaches as well as some of the best parts of New York City. It’s also got two major airports, a decent public transportation infrastructure, and a number of barrier beaches where we can sequester freaks like the recumbent riders and the tall bike people. Best of all, I wouldn’t have to move.

The downsides are the cold winters, the lack of epic climbs, and the huge non-cycling native population that would need to be relocated or forced into internment camps. But nothing’s perfect.

Our Own Cheese

Really, what is a group of people without its own kind of cheese? A nation without a cheese is like a rapper without a clothes line, or a celebrity without a fragrance. (Bottled fragrance, I mean.) And until we have one, nobody is going to take us seriously. If there are any cheese-makers or -mongers among us, we’re going to need a few of you to get to work on that. But just stay away from me in the meantime, because you probably smell funny.

STUFF WE HAVE:

Our Own Industry

Well, we still need a TV network, but we’ve got the magazines and the internet. We’ve also got the factories. This is especially important, because in times of war they can be converted to military use and can be used to produce weapons and ammunition. We’ve also got groups that would be of good use during wartime. Imagine roadie strike forces, stealthily taking to the roads in the night, while in the woods guerilla mountain bikers perform daring sneak attacks. Even the triathletes can be put to use for amphibious assaults. And the tight-trousered, neckerchief-wearing fixed-gear riders can just cower in their basements, sucking on bottles of cheap beer with nipples on them until it's all over.

Our Own Folk Heroes

You want folk heroes? We’ve got ‘em by the pound:

Jobst Brandt=Paul Bunyan
Sheldon Brown=Ben Franklin
Tammy Thomas=Paul Bunyan

(Tammy Thomas, the mythical cycling lumberjack)

I could go on and on...

Our Own Version of the Amish

Everybody loves the Amish. They’re a proud people who have been immortalized and/or shamed in such films as “Witness,” “Kingpin,” and Weird Al’s “Amish Paradise.” Well, if we’re going to be a true nation, we also need to have our own sect of technologically backwards people to visit and gawk at. Fortunately, we do, and they’re called "retrogrouches." Once we’ve achieved nationhood the retrogrouches will form their own community where we can all go to purchase their handicrafts. I’m imagining a quaint little town where we can buy wool jerseys they’ve woven on their looms, lugged frames they’ve built in their workshops, and of course delicious hunks of our national cheese. (See above.) Just don’t take any pictures of them—you’ll steal their souls! And please refrain from touching their beards.

This Just In: Drinking Is More Fun With Bikes!

If there's one thing more satisfying than drinking beer from a funnel, it's drinking beer from a funnel on a bicycle. These photos, forwarded to me by a reader, confirm that the transformation of the track bike from racing equipment to wallet chain with wheels is nearly complete. They also prove that trackstands are the new kegstands. I wonder if elsewhere a bunch of middle-aged lawyers are sipping Chardonnay in their living rooms astride Colnagos.

Now back to the LeMondebacle.

Who's Next? Searching for LeMond's Replacement

As I halfheartedly reported yesterday, and as everybody knows by now, the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company has severed its relationship with Greg LeMond. In fact, Trek has filed suit against him, claiming he’s done damage to the brand. Trek allege that he did so not only by badmouthing Lance Armstrong and Trek, but also by re-selling bicycles he purchased at a discount directly to customers. According to the suit (a copy of which which was forwarded to me by a reader in the legal profession, along with a bill for $1,500):

... since 1999 Greg LeMond has made numerous purchases of LeMond bicycles at employee pricing from Trek with a suggested retail value of over $2,500,000. Upon information and belief, Greg LeMond has resold, bartered for value or otherwise distributed many or most of these bikes, harming Trek and its dealers.

As one example, in early March 2008, a Trek Dealer sold two LeMond Zurich bicycles to two customers. These bicycles sell at retail for more than $2,800, each, and thus are important sales. This Dealer ordered the bikes and expected to complete the sales when the bikes arrived. On or about March 15, 2008, one of the two customers who had ordered the LeMond Zurich bicycles returned and informed Trek’s Dealer that he and the other customer were able to get LeMond-branded bicycles directly from Greg LeMond himself, at a price much lower than the retail price. The customer explained that since they were saving over 50% by buying from Greg LeMond instead of from the Dealer, they ordered La Victoires, a more expensive LeMond-branded bicycle ($5,279.99 suggested retail price), instead of the Zurich bicycles they had ordered from the Dealer. As his business was harmed by the loss of sales as a result of LeMond’s unauthorized and unlawful conduct, the Dealer commented:

“Why would we support a vendor that is deliberately using back-channels to sell products in our market? As an immediate resolution to this problem, the only fair and practical thing that I can see is to bill Mr. Lemond's account for the lost profit $$ that we have foregone as a result of his action. Furthermore, going forward, I would like an apology and his word that he will not sell around his dealers going forward.”

Again, these are only allegations, but if this is indeed true, Greg LeMond may be the world’s most famous shop rat.

Be that as it may, the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company has lost a member of the family. Granted, losing Greg LeMond might be the same kind of familial loss as when your 45 year old unemployed crank-addicted cousin finally moves out of your basement, but it’s a loss nonetheless. And the big question is: who will move in to fill this loss? Surely Trek will need a new quasi-boutiquey brand to replace LeMond, and my money is on these five frontrunners:


Mario Cipollini

Cipo's flirtation with Rock Racing also involved a brief foray into self-branded bikes. Despite the fact that Mario looks like someone you'd find on hotchickswithdouchebags, the cycling press decided long ago that he's got sex appeal, so presumably it would follow that a line of Cipollini bikes would have sex appeal too. In fact, rumor has it that Mario is heavily invested in a company that has figured out how to impregnate carbon fiber with pheromones, and this is just the sort of technology that could give his bikes an intangible advantage in the marketplace. Just imagine walking into a bike shop and being overcome with a heady musk. With male- and female-specific models available, the rider who straddles a Cipollini would be in a constant state of arousal, and the line between "group ride" and "group sex" would become quite blurry. (And also a little sticky.)

Jan Ullrich

Everybody remembers Jan Ullrich as Lance Armstrong’s perpetual runner-up, but few Americans realize he’s also got his own line of bikes. With the departure of Greg LeMond it would follow that Trek would want to bring another former Yellow Jersey into the fold, and Jan could be exactly who they’re looking for. After all, the Armstrong/Ullrich rivalry was one of the most intense in sporting history—if you define “rivalry” as “riding near each-other in the same race sometimes.” So having both these retirees in the same assisted living home would be quite a coup. Plus, the ads practically write themselves: “Jan Ullrich: the rider synonymous with both ‘second’ and ‘seconds.’”

Grant Petersen

Grant Petersen and Trek together? Never, right? Well, not so fast. While Grant gets to indulge his delightfully retro whims through his Rivendell line, he simply does not have the resources to fully realize his vision. After all, Nitto will only make a quill stem that’s so long. However, if Trek were to back Petersen in buying Nitto, there would be no limit to how long he could make them. Because as Grant and his disciples know, a bike doesn’t fit properly unless the stem/headtube setup resembles a flagpole in a golf hole cup. (Flying a pair of moustache bars instead of a flag, of course.) There are also some more components into which Grant would like to incorporate lugs, and Trek money would allow him to do this. Spokes, seatposts, handlebars, crankarms, and bar-end shifters are just a few components that would benefit from a good old-fashioned lugging, according to Petersen. Finally, Grant could finally put his “uni-lug” frame concept into development. That’s a frame consisting of a single, giant lug with just a few short pieces of tubing as filler. It’s monocoque for retrogrouches!

Bamboo

I think everybody knows what the future of high-end bike material is. You know it, I know it, Craig Calfee knows it. Even fixed-gear kids are making bikes out of it themselves at home. Of course, I'm talking about bamboo. Trek have long been on the forefront of carbon fiber technology, and it's likely they'll take this opportunity to step up their efforts in the bamboo arena as well. Don't be surprised if you find a Trek-distributed line of bikes called "Bamboozled" in your LBS soon. “Bamboozled: the bike that brings out the animal in you.” (Assuming that animal is a hungry panda, or possibly a mountain gorilla.)

A Simple Re-Badge Job

Of course, it’s always possible that Trek will take the fiscally-conservative route. This would most likely consist of continuing to sell their current inventory of LeMond bikes but just covering up a few letters on the decals. Certainly nobody would buy a bike called a “Lemon,” but an “Emo” would undoubtedly fly off the shelf! Between the legions of Jimmy Eat World fans and the dozens of people who remember and love comedian Emo Philips, Trek should find plenty of people who identify with their new brand for one reason or another. Best of all, it will only take a few pieces of electrical tape per bike. (Let's just hope Emo doesn't start dishing any dirt on LA.)

The Tempest 2008: A Dramatic Re-Imagining by David Clinger of Rock Racing

“Clinger said he hadn’t ever visited Polynesian communities, but had ‘seen documentaries, read a couple of books, and read a book on what the Maori symbols mean. I’m so competitive, racing bikes year after year, I felt it falls in line with being a warrior...

‘It’s somewhat of a publicity stunt as well,’ he added. ‘Nobody in the cycling community has a facial tattoo.’”

--David Clinger to Velonews in 2005

The Tempest 2008
A play by David Clinger
(adapted from the original by William Shakespeare)

ACT I

A tropical beach. Three figures are lying face-down in the sand. In the background, the shattered fuselage of a jet is half-submerged in the turquoise water. The “Rock & Republic” logo is visible on it. A bunch of wooden crates are also strewn about the beach, also bearing the R&R logo. Suddenly, one of the figures begins to stir.

Tyler Hamilton: Where...where am I? Am I dead? Tugboat! Tugboat, we’re finally together again!

A second figure awakens.

Michael Ball: Dude, that sucked.

The third figure remains still.

Tyler Hamilton: Are we dead, Mr. Ball?

Michael Ball: I don’t know, T-Ham. But if we are this must be heaven. Check it!

Ball points to a group of topless native women who have just emerged from a thicket.

Tyler Hamilton [blushing]: Gosh, Mr. Ball, those ladies don’t have any clothes on.

Michael Ball [leaping to his feet]: They sure don’t. Step aside, there, shorty. The Ball Boy’s gonna show you how to get your game on.

Just then, an army of native men emerge. They are heavily tattooed and are carrying machetes.

Michael Ball [sitting back down again]: Uh-oh.

Tribal Chieftain: [Speaks ominously in his native tongue.]

Michael Ball: Whuh?

Tribal Chieftain: [Repeats himself, slowly and more menacingly.]

The army advances closer, machetes drawn.

Michael Ball: All right, enough of this crap. What do you guys want? Money? Oh, shit, my wallet’s gone. Cheap-ass wallet chain! OK, I know. Pants!

Ball runs to a broken crate, prying it open and pulling out pair after pair of jeans. He runs to the Chieftain and holds a pair up to his face.

Michael Ball: Rock and Republic, baby! These go for like $200 a pair!

The Chieftain stares back blankly.

Michael Ball: Don’t you understand English?!? Pants! P-A-N-T-S. Blue jeans. Dungarees. Metrosexual legwarmers? Douche corsets?!? C’mon, T-Ham, help me here!

Tyler comes to his feet, acting everything he says out in pantomime as he speaks.

Tyler Hamilton: Uh, me Tyler Hamilton. Me ride bike. You big chief of island. Him Michael Ball. Him big chief of bike team. We fly in big iron bird to bike race. Uh, captain of big iron bird get very sick from bad salisbury steak. Him no more can fly big bird. So big chief of bike team make Freddy Rodriguez fly bird. But Freddy no fly good. Him crash big bird just like him crash bike at Redlands. We come in--

One of the native men steps forward wordlessly and decapitates Tyler with his machete.

Michael Ball [dropping to his knees]: Jesus Fuck!

Finally, the third figure in the sand stirs. He struggles to his hands and knees and picks up his head, revealing his magnificently tattooed visage. It’s David Clinger.

David Clinger: Is Botero finished with the bathroom yet?

The natives collectively gasp and drop to their knees, bowing.

Michael Ball: Holy shit, dude. It’s that crap on your face. You must be like a god to them.

David Clinger: Cool. What happened to Tyler? It looks like someone chopped his head off.

ACT II

It is night. David Clinger and Michael Ball are in a hut together, dimly lit by firelight and a soft electronic glow.

Michael Ball: So, like, I still don’t get what’s happening. Didn’t you do any research on these people before you got that permanent mud mask? I know chicks who put more thought into a bikini waxing than you put into your ink.

David Clinger: Hey, no fair. I read an article on Body Modification Ezine, and I’ve seen “Papillon” like four times. Plus, I’m able to get Wikipedia on my iPhone. My best guess is they think I’m a brave warrior or something because of my mask.

Michael Ball: Crazy. Hey, I saw the head guy scoping the sweet-ass tribal band I’ve got around my ankle. I wonder what they think I am.

A native enters carrying a West Papuan penis gourd as well as a grass skirt and a floral bikini top. He hands the penis gourd to Clinger and bows. Then, he hands the grass skirt and the bikini top to Ball. He winks to Ball and exits.

David Clinger: I guess they must think you’re a chick.

Michael Ball: What?!? No way! The Ball is all man. My masculinity transcends all cultural divides.

David Clinger: I’m telling you, they saw that bitch ink of yours and that tan. Plus, you’re wearing girl’s jeans.

Michael Ball: Screw you, Cling Film, R&Rs are unisex.

David Clinger: Whatever. I’m putting on this [quickly glances at the Wikipedia entry on his iPhone] uh, dick stick and heading out there. Clearly they’re going to honor us with some kind of feast. I’ll see you outside.

ACT III

A bonfire is raging and the entire tribe is gathered around it. A pig is roasting on a spit. As Clinger appears everybody starts singing and celebrating. They lead him to a giant bamboo seat of honor. Shortly after this, Michael Ball emerges, looking bashful in his hula skirt and bikini top. He’s being accompanied by a group of the native women who are covering him with floral garlands.

Michael Ball: Uh, hey.

David Clinger [toasting him with a cocktail he’s been sipping out of a coconut]: Looking good, Mikey.

Michael Ball: Shut up.

Suddenly chanting and drumming begins as the Tribal Chieftain arrives. He looks Ball up and down approvingly, grabs his arm, and takes him away. The entire tribe cheers.

Michael Ball: Hey, let me go. Hey! Hey!!!

David Clinger: Wow, crazy. Well, I’m going to take a leak.

Clinger leaves his seat of honor and steps into the foliage, parting some leaves.

David Clinger: Hmmm, that’s odd.

ACT IV

The next morning. David Clinger is reclining poolside at a big resort. He’s got a big straw hat on as well as sunglasses and a thick coating of zinc on his tattooed nose. He’s reading a copy of Men’s Health. Suddenly a bedraggled Michael Ball enters, his grass skirt and bikini top disheveled and askew.

David Clinger: Hey, Mikey! Crazy night. So it turns out we were right next to a resort the whole time. Like literally, right next door. How funny is that?

Michael Ball: Thanks, yeah, I realize that now.

David Clinger: So how was the chief?

Michael Ball: Surprisingly tender.

David Clinger: Cool. Well, pull up some vinyl. Next flight out’s not until 6:00 tonight.

Michael Ball: Yeah, might as well. Hey, you’re not gonna tell anybody about this, are you?

David Clinger: Not to worry. Warrior’s honor.

--THE END

This Just In: RTMS Invited to Media Thing!

(image by Urchin)

Yes, that's right. The blogger-turned-street art phenomenon formerly known as "BikeSnobNYC" received an invitation yesterday via email from the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company to listen in on a "company update" via conference call. However, due to technical issues, scheduling issues, and general RTMS ineptitude, I was unable to listen. I was, however, able to take screenshots of the simultaneous video presentation. I showed up late, and I couldn't hear anything, but these should give you some idea of what was being discussed:

(Greg LeMond is apparently being annoying again.)

(Greg LeMond is apparently being litigious again.)
(Apparently it's a great day to be working at Specialized.)

OK, so it would appear that Trek and LeMond are having a slap fight and parting ways or something. There's some sort of Q&A thing coming up with John Burke, though I don't know if I'll be able to participate. I'm sure the legitimate cycling press will be able to fill you in. Frankly, the most noteworthy thing about this to me was that the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company included me. I guess that makes me part of the "media" and not just some smartass with a free Blogger account.

Gesundheit! Clearing Congestion in New York City

As you may know, here in New York City we’re waiting to find out if our state’s legislature thingy will approve Mayor Bloomberg’s congestion pricing plan, and the deadline is today. Basically, congestion pricing would mean that drivers of motor vehicles entering midtown Manhattan would have to pay a fee, and the idea is to cut down on traffic, smog, and idiots. If you want to know more about the plan or the politics surrounding it, check out Streetsblog or the New York Times, since looking for actual information here is like looking for derailleurs on Fixedgeargallery.

I’m all in favor of congestion pricing. After all, supposedly it works in London, and everybody knows New York gets all of its ideas from London. (The subway, pubs, and English are just three examples.) However, I also think Bloomberg’s plan stops short of perfection. Certainly he has to appease people, but here are a few more components I’d like to see added at the 11th hour:

A Complex Schedule of Surcharges

In addition to the base fee for cars and trucks, I'd like to see the following additional fees tacked on:

Vehicles with vanity plates: $2.00
Vehicles with vanity plates that simply re-iterate the make or model of the vehicle: $5.00
Vehicles with license plates from states that include their URL on the plate out of desperation because they’re “loser” states (I’m looking at you, Pennsylvania): $10.00
Any vehicle bearing a presidential campaign sticker: $1.50
Any vehicle bearing a presidential campaign sticker for an election that has already passed: $2.50
Any vehicle bearing a sticker or emblem espousing the driver’s religious beliefs: $5.00
Any vehicle whose driver must compulsively advertise his or her ownership of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle through the use of stickers, decals, license plate frames, or spare tire covers: $10.00
Any vehicle with an “Eddie Bauer” trim package: $50.00
Any Swedish or English vehicle: $15.00
Any vehicle with a roof rack that has provisions for hauling more than one type of outdoor recreational equipment: $5.00 per additional equipment mount
Any vehicle being operated in “manu-matic” or “dork” mode: $7.00
Escalade-Pushing Moto-tards: $125.00

A Ban on Fresh Direct Deliveries

Fresh Direct is a company that delivers gourmet groceries to your home in a giant truck. You can generally find these trucks parked in bike lanes and stopping traffic for blocks as they replenish the Sub-Zero refrigerators of Park Slope brownstone owners who don’t want to use their Audis for fear of losing their parking spaces. Fresh Direct only operates in the nicer New York City neighborhoods, which means if you live in one of their delivery zones you also probably already live within walking distance of a high-end supermarket that stocks the sorts of organic exotica you can’t live without. Fresh Direct argue that their methods are more environmentally friendly than traditional supermarkets, which may or may not be true. But one thing is for sure: they cause more congestion than a Persian cat in an asthma ward. I’ve literally seen fire engines stuck behind double-parked Fresh Direct trucks with their sirens blaring. So unless Fresh Direct starts training their drivers to put out four-alarm blazes with bok choy and Pom juice, I say they do way more harm than good.

A Ban on Zip Cars

Zip Cars are the motor vehicle equivalent of those public bikes they have in Europe. Basically the service allows members to grab a car, drive it around for awhile, and then drop it off somewhere else. Zip claims that their service actually cuts down on car usage, arguing that their members choose not to own cars. This makes no sense. They’re offering access to cars cheaply and conveniently. How does this cut down on driving? It’s like McDonald’s claiming that their customers eat fewer hamburgers because they don’t have cows at home. There’s even a smug little quote on their website from someone named Martha which says, “Keeping a car in your driveway when you’re concerned about global warming is like keeping cookies in your cupboard when you’re trying to lose weight.” What a load of self-righteous, organic, locally-grown crap. Keeping a car in your driveway doesn’t hurt the environment at all. It’s the driving that causes emissions, so unless Zip car users are paying to simply look at the cars then they’re spewing just as much carbon monoxide as anybody. Plus, you get the unique pleasure of sharing the road with infrequent drivers in unfamiliar automobiles. If you’ve ever rented a car, gotten stuck in a sudden downpour, and realized you had no idea where the wiper switch was, you have an idea of what Zip car drivers are like every day. I'd rather share the road with taxis than with Zip cars. Because the worst New York City drivers are the ones with no experience driving it it.

From the BSNYC Culture Desk: Toon in to "Bikestyle!"

As the moment of my shark-jumping draws ever closer, I'm proud to announce that I've reached another inevitable milestone in that process: the changing of my name from "BikeSnobNYC" to an unpronounceable symbol. After much consideration, I have chosen as my symbol actor Rip Torn's mug shot:

You will kindly address me thusly from now until my waterskis touch down safely on the other side of the toothy fish.

Moving on, a document has recently crossed my desk which I feel warrants attention. Apparently a graffiti artist by the name of Toons feels that bicycles have become sufficiently trendy to incorporate them into his work. So he's begun to customize them. In fact, this summer (right around the time of my BSNYC SUMMER LIVE-BLOGGING SPECTACULAR!!!, as it happens) he's going to be exhibiting (and presumably selling) them in an "art show/product expose/promotional party" called "Bikestyle."

The organizers of this event are currently shopping for sponsorship, which I recently had the pleasure of reading. I thought this would be of interest to my readers as well, so I'm pleased to present their sales pitch below for your perusal. My comments, from which I could not refrain, are in red.

Name of event: BIKESTYLE
Type of event:
Art Show, Product Expose, Promotional Party
Exhibition Dates:
June 21st - July 19th
Expected attendance:
400 patrons per event

Another word for this type of event is "Style-Whoring Ego Bacchanaal," and when they say "patrons" they mean "johns."

Dates/ Hours of event:
June 19th, June 20th: Press Day & Pre-Opening for Bike buyers
June 21st : Exhibit Opening/ After Party 7-12am
June 28th : Flatland BMX & Fix Gear Showcase by Pro Rider Jesse Puente &
Kio. Special musical guest Lou Dog on Drums and MC Elay Kauhe 7-12am.
July 4th : “Firecracker Ride” feat. Critical Mass Bicycle Group Ride & Movie,
including Midnight Riders Art Auction for Aids 7-12am.
July 12th Bike Company & Sponsor Vendor Sales/ Promotion Day
July 19th : Exhibit Closing/ After Party “Bike Fellowship Party Jam & Photo
Shoot” 4-10pm
Contact Information:
J. Swift, Owner, The Underground Agency, [deleted],
[deleted]
Event location:
Currently Open!

Holy crap, Lou Dog is playing! I am so there. Glad they've incorporated a Critical Mass ride, because I think this is everything Critical Mass stands for. I have a feeling this may be the first one ever in which half of the participants will be driving Toyota FJs.

Event description:
Bikestyler Customs by Toons debuts a creative collection of art enhanced
custom bicycles and all related items. Bikestyler transforms bicycles into one-ofa-
kind works of functional art. The show will feature 25 Bikestyler creations;
works on canvass, and fully customized bicycle helmets. Entertainment will be
provided by LA-based DJ..s, musicians, and filmmakers.

Okay, who is Toons, and what qualifies him to paint on bikes?

Toons is a self-taught, independent artist using his background in graffiti and fine
art to create exciting graphic and conceptual designs. Toons' boundless artistic
vision allows him to see the world as his canvass. For this reason his bold
designs can be found on surfaces of all kinds along with products he embraces
with a personal passion. Reflecting a bold and fearless style cultivated on the
streets painting massive murals with American collectives TCB and ICU, Toons
art is reaching an ever-widening audience through his association with supportive
sponsors and his involvement with art-based organizations. His talents have led
to impressive assignments such as curator for the Academy of Arts in Germany,
and the European art collective Live Demo.

I see. Thank heavens Toons has deigned to visit the world of cycling and scribble all over our bicycles. I wonder what lifestyle sport he'll bless next. Maybe he can go paint on some golf clubs.

Toons has extensive experience as creative consultant for companies looking to
appeal to the highly critical urban market. Companies including Puma, Levi,
Priority Records, Showtime, X-Box, and recent clients Boost Mobile, Pepsi, and
LA Ink have relied on Toons' ability to capture the essence of their products, and
convey a creative message to the marketplace. To keep sharp in the streets,
Toons can frequently be found painting live at art exhibits, murals, nightclubs, car
shows, and other showcases dedicated to authentic art and culture.

Good, so he's done fleecing the entertainment, telecommunications, and food and beverage industries, so now he's coming to shake down the bicycle industry. Will it be stupid enough to fall under Toons' spell too? I'm glad he's out there keeping sharp by painting live at "showcases dedicated to authentic art and culture." Maybe one day you'll see him with an easel at an alleycat or something. If you do, please kick it over for me.

Logo Opportunity:
Your company will have the option to place your logo on featured Bikestyler
Custom Bicycles, displays, wall paintings, our limited edition laminated bicycle
spoke cards announcing the event, the Festival Banner, Festival Poster, and
Commerative Art Show t-shirt. Bikestyler Customs will produce a complete
electronic media kit including an event invitation, email blasts, Internet blog, and
video announcements.

Yes, please blast the world with my logo! What do I have to do?

Sponsorship Opportunity details
Sponsorship includes insertion in full publicity package by gallery and private
publicity firm. Promotion will go to art, fashion, sports, youth, design, advertising,
film, production and print/TV media. We will also mail to sponsor's mailing lists.

Event/Sponsorship Cost:

Level One: Top Gear Unlimited $10,000

Toons will integrate your company name and logo into the art installation via a
fully designed bike, corresponding wall display, an original Toons One designed
accessory package (bike gear), coordinating designer fashion package that
includes outfit of sponsor's choice.

Top Gear Unlimited Sponsorship also offers placement of company banner at all
events, Logo on 300 limited edition laminated bicycle spoke cards.
Logo on event banner, 300 art show t-shirts, 300 event posters, 10,000 art show
flyer, electronic event invitation, email blast and video blog.

Oooh! Spoke cards! Laminated spoke cards!

(I think this means spoke cards have officially Jumped the Shark.)

Level Two: Strictly Styling $6,500
Toons will integrate your company name and logo into the art installation via a
fully designed bike, and corresponding designer fashion package that includes
outfit of sponsor's choice.

The Strictly Styling Sponsorship also offers placement of company name and
logo on 300 limited edition laminated bicycle spoke cards, Logo on all event
banners, 300 art show t-shirts, 300 event posters, 10,000 art show flyers,
electronic event invitation, email blast and video blog.

Does this include a gold-plated bucket with my logo on it so I can puke my freaking guts out into it?

Level Three: Cold Cruising $3,500
Toons will integrate your company name and logo into the art installation in the
Styled Parts display featuring Bikestyler Custom designed frames, parts, and
accessories.

The Cold Cruising Sponsorship also offers placement of company name and logo
on 10,000 art show flyers, 300 event posters, electronic event invitation, email
blast and video blog.

***We are open to entertaining other gracious offers from sponsors so please
contact us with questions, suggestions, ideas, etc. Join in the fun today!

Here's a question: how much would it cost me to get Toons to ride one of his "one-of-a-kind works of functional art" off of the Santa Monica Pier while dressed as Grover and singing the theme song to "Sesame Street?" Because I'd like to see that. I'll even pay extra if I can get Lou Dog to accompany him on the one-and-twos.

Committed Event Sponsors/ Partners:

[Names deleted to protect the guilty.]

Targeted Sponsors (partial list):

Bern Helmets
Campagnolo
Chris King
Dangerboy
SE Bikes
SLB
Swobo
Industry Nine
Apple Computers
Starbucks
Levi Strauss
Urb Magazine
Rouge Status
XLarge
Absolut
Red Bull
Red Stripe
Sambazon

Some of these companies are certainly fine by themselves. Some of these companies even make products that go well together. However, I will go so far as to say if you consume products by more than nine of these companies at once, you either are or aspire to be Michael Ball.

Wow, that sure was a lot of words. Just in case you're not sold yet, though, here are a few examples of Toons' work:

By the way, did I mention I'm purchasing the $10,000 "Level One: Top Gear Unlimited" sponsorship package? Yeah, I want my logo on the art bike with the threaded-to-threadless adapter and the misaligned anodized purple brake pad which has already nicely marred the powdercoated non-machined rim. I'm getting the sense that while Toons may be quite marketing-savvy he doesn't pay much attention to detail. You know, the Mutant stem came in a quill version too. What's the matter, was the buy-it-now on eBay too high? I wonder if, for an additional five bucks, Toons could be bothered to remove that NOS Michelin and put it back on with the label aligned with the valve stem for me.

This is obviously a work-in-progress, and it's a promising one. In fact, it promises to be an affront to at least two types of bicycle. I've always wanted to see what the result would be if a fixed-gear freestyle bike and a hybrid mated. Here it is--though something tells me when they hooked up the sex was not consentual.

"Whoa, sorry! This is a headshop. I was just looking for bike parts. What? These are bike parts?" I'm hoping these parts were made specially for Keith Richards' new fixed-gear, because he's the only person I could see riding something like this. Thank you, Toons, for painting our culture with the same crappy brush you've already used on sneakers, cars, album covers, energy drink cans, and whatever else you get paid to design. And thanks "Underground Agency" for the opportunity to be a part of it.

Worst of NYC Craigslist: Full-Blown Bike Love

Ah yes, Craigslist Missed Connections--a soap opera wrapped in a reality show cultivated in a Petri dish.  Personally, I'm simultaneously fascinated and disgusted by the role bicycles so often play in human courtship.  If you've ever seen the goofy, awkward mating dances certain birds perform you've got some idea of what's going on out there on our city's streets.  Here are a few mating dances that appear to have been choreographed by a highly intoxicated Cupid:

I see you around everywhere - w4m - 23 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/623666182.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-03-30, 12:51AM EDT

There hasn't been a good time to say hi yet. I often see you at work. You are tall and lanky. I saw you today walking your bike in Williamsburg.

Oh, yeah, that narrows it down. Williamsburg is an entire neighborhood of lanky bike-walkers. Bicycles are to Bedford Avenue as poodles are to Park Avenue, and their owners parade them up and down the sidewalks, the cranks of their fixed drivetrains idly churning like a bemused dog's tail. Of course, Williamsburg's gotten expensive now, and some of the residents without parental support have actually been forced to go and get jobs. Consequently, a cottage industry of bicycle walkers has arisen so that owners can make sure their bicycles are still paraded around the neighborhood during the day while they're off toiling. I'm pretty sure what's happening here is that our poster has become enamored with a professional bike walker.

FOODSWINGS SUNDAY - YOU, GLASSES AND RED TRACK BIKE - m4w - 23 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/627139351.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-01, 10:53PM EDT

Uh, well, I walked into foodswings during their anniversary on sunday, you had a black hoodie, dark hair, black backpack (with a red light on it) and glasses. you were with a friend of mine named alex. i was the guy who walked in with a friend, wearing the grey raincoat, black hoodie, hat and crusty black pants with a yellow messenger bag. we made eye contact that seemed pretty intense.

later on havemeyer you were on your bike, we were across the street from each other, but made eyes for a majority of the time we were crossing paths.

youve been on my mind since, who are you?

I had to employ a popular internet search engine to learn that Foodswings is a "vegan fast food" establishment, and not some kind of actual swing where you grab an onion ring with your mouth at the apex of your arc. It's located in Brooklyn's ever-growing Ironic District, next to the tax return service for unemployed people and the nail place that does "anti-cures" (which involves distressing the fingertips of people who graduated from schools like Oberlin and Bard so it looks like they perform manual labor and they can tell people they've restored their Lambrettas themselves).

At any rate, why doesn't the poster just ask his friend Alex who this woman is?  And why would he advertise that his pants are crusty?  That to me is an indication of a very nasty sexually-transmitted disease.  And what's with the raincoat?  Maybe he's a serial public masturbator.

bike messenger with big glasses - w4m (Downtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/627351747.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-02, 7:03AM EDT

you're the most handsom thing on two wheels in new york. The kind of baffling beauty that surpasses itself perpetually. And when you gust passed me, I felt you in the tips of my toes.

Wow, the most "handsom" thing on two wheels?!? I thought this was the most hansom thing on two wheels!  Maybe our fetching messenger is indeed delivering missives in the manner of a Louis XIV-era courier, dashing about town in a hansom cab and a powdered wig and unfurling lengthy pieces of parchment from which he reads aloud.  Indeed, perhaps this is the hot new trend in messenger services.  "Hear Ye, Hear Ye!  The Elite Modeling Agency wishes it to be known that they have the perfect model for your ad campaign, and I come bearing etchings of her in her frilly underthings.  Now, I shall require room and board for the night as well as a stable for my horses.  I shall embark upon my return to 23rd Street first thing tomorrow morn."  It would certainly make alleycats more interesting.

RE bike messenger with big glasses - w4m [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/627362468.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-02, 7:35AM EDT

"felt me in the tip of your toes" huh? that is so sweet and nice. Thanks. Get at me, and I'll let you feel me in the back of your throat as well.

Uh, OK, maybe I was wrong about the whole courtly messenger thing.

The BSNYC Department of Ichthyology: Leaping Over the Selachimorpha

For the most part, I don’t read cycling forums. There was a time when I did, though. That was in the heyday of rec.bicycles.tech, when people like Sheldon Brown, Jobst Brandt, Peter Chisholm, Andrew Muzi, and many others formed kind of a McLaughlin Group of cycling. This made for good reading, and even when discourse dissolved into debate there was a lot to learn. “Wreck Bikes” isn’t what it once was, though, (even though some of those people still post there) and the many other forums that have since arisen feature discussions that seem to be mostly dustbunnies of brand cheerleading and misinformation formed around tiny particles of actual truth.

There is one thing I always like to read about, though, and that’s myself. So occasionally when I’m alerted to a thread on a forum that involves me I check it out. Sometimes it’s someone sharing something they read here that they think is funny. Other times, it’s either people saying I suck because I was too mean about someone’s bike, or else it’s people saying I suck because I wasn’t mean enough about someone’s bike. And regularly, it’s someone making the pronouncement that I’ve officially “Jumped the Shark.”

I don’t mind when people disparage me. In fact, I like it. I’m flattered when people take a break from being unpaid cogs in the bicycle marketing hype machine to discuss me no matter what they say. Last night, though, after reading the umpteenth shark-jumping thread, I got annoyed. It wasn’t because I mind when people don’t like me—I don’t. It was because they’re just plain wrong.

“Jumping the Shark” refers to that “Happy Days” episode where the Fonz jumped over a killer whale. (Or it might have been some other type of dangerous marine life.) So when something Jumps the Shark it means it’s become a parody of itself and has resorted to going to extreme and absurd lengths to remain relevant and hold people’s attention. That’s not what’s happening here. No, what this last batch of forumites were trying to say is that this site has become boring. That’s different.

It’s perfectly fine to say I’m boring. I don’t plan to do this forever anyway. If you’re bored, you can take solace in the fact that this blog’s days in its present form are definitely numbered, and the end is in sight. (Though I just haven’t figured out exactly where to put the decimal place yet.) But it’s simply wrong to say I’ve “Jumped the Shark.” I may be boring, but I have not whored out my dignity in a sublimely bizarre and embarrassing moment of attention-seeking.

Yet.

But I plan to. Oh, yes. That’s why it gives me great pleasure to announce:

THE BSNYC SUMMER LIVE-BLOGGING SPECTACULAR!!!

That’s right: this June, inspired by hipster endurance magician David Blaine, I will suspend myself in a plexiglas cube over the Williamsburg Bridge bike path for 72 hours. Thus enclosed in a transparent cell of my own self-righteousness, I will proceed to blog non-stop for the duration of my incarceration. I will not eat, I will not sleep, and I will have nothing with me in the cube except a computer. (And possibly pants, though I haven’t decided yet. Also maybe some Rain-X in case the cube gets too foggy.) Bystanders will be able to read my words on a giant LCD screen as I type them, and I will have no mercy on the commuters who pass to and fro beneath me, as I flay them with words for no greater crime than riding a bike. And perhaps best of all, Letle Viride is slated to play live!

The BSNYC SUMMER LIVE-BLOGGING SPECTACULAR!!! will be brought to you by:

“The Computer of Choice for Typing in Public”

“Our Wheels Explode! Boom!”

“Your Cluelessness is Our Resurrection”

“We Don’t Know From Bikes—We Make Cheese.”

“The Bike Clothes for Precious People”

“The Bike Shop for Precious People”

Oh, and here’s the tag line:

This June. One man. One cube. BSNYC shark-jumping fever. (And he might be nude.) Catch it!

The BSNYC April Fools' Day Round-Up

Today is April 1st. Rest assured I have no intention of engaging in any April Fools' Day-related tomfoolery, nor do I plan to observe its stupid French counterpart, Poisson d'Avril. Instead, I've decided to jump around the cycling world and take a look at some of the better pranks on offer elsewhere. So get ready to laugh--I promise you'll split your sides faster than a Conti Grand Prix 3000!

1) Cyclingnews

Cyclingnews is always good for an amusing April Fools' hoax, and this year was no exception. The "product" they're reviewing skirts the line between reality and absurdity pretty gracefully, and Huang wins the prime by mentioning lateral rigidity and vertical compliance.

2) NYVelocity

Local boys NYVelocity (a.k.a. Velocity Nation) come through for April Fools' in style with this entry, in which a man and his cat test a disc wheel's aerodynamic properties with what appears to be a Vornado house fan. Rumor has it the cat was working for The Great Trek Bicycle-Making Company before NYVelocity lured it over by loudly opening a can of cat food outside Trek's Waterloo headquarters.

3) Velonews

Remember Craig Calfee and his wacky bamboo bikes? Well, those wags at Velonews have images that purport to be from a "tour" of his "factory." Among some of the "photos" are bamboo bikes, piles of bamboo tubing, and someone joining them with what appears to be hemp twine. A+ for the photo shop job. Hilarious, guys!

4) Velonews (again)

It's a one-two punch from the guys over at Velonews! Just when you think the jokes are over and it's back to business, they throw another one at you. Yup, it's another "factory tour," only this time the factory belongs to the Big S. Check out the frame flex testing "photos": priceless.

5) Fixedgeargallery

By this point you probably don't have any more laughter left in you, but in case you do there are two classic ringer entries over on Fixedgeargallery. First is this "polo bike":

I admit I was taken in for a moment, but then I realized the bike was too goofy looking, even by FGG standards. Also, the whole "bike polo" thing is really funny, but is obviously made up. I mean, who would actually want to play polo on a bike? Cyclists don't enjoy chasing balls around with sticks in small areas--that's why they become cyclists! If there really was such a thing as "bike polo," then the people who played it would essentially just be frat boys in different clothing.

The next ringer was this one:

Yep, it's got all the hallmarks of a spoof: the gaudy color scheme; the chain guard; the tires that cost more than the entire bike. Then look closer and you'll be rewarded with the uber-kludgy threaded/threadless steerer setup and the spoke card. It's even got an epic-length intro. Awesome. And kudos to FGG for poking fun at itself.



6) Performance Bicycle


Hands down the best and most elaborate April Fools' joke this year came from the most unexpected source: mail-order giant Performance Bicycle.

Not only would you never figure Performance for the April Fools' types, but you certainly wouldn't expect a prank in their print catalogue. But there it is, right on page 52 of the latest one, a fake wheel from Mavic called the "R-Sys" with "TraComp" technology. For only $1,399.99! (As if anybody buys expensive wheels from Performance. That's like buying a wedding gown at the Gap.)

Just in case you're having trouble reading the copy (sorry, I had to scan it), it says:

Thanks to cutting edge technology from Mavic, the entire bicycle wheel market is about to change. TraComp(tm) technology uses tubular carbon spokes, which stretch less than other materials, because they're structurally stiffer AND resist compression, without any risk of unloaded spokes--what you get is a ride that's lightweight, amazingly responsive and incredibly comfortable.

Amazing. It sounds just like real marketing copy. For real laughs though you've got to check out the diagrams:

Again, clearly bogus, but still really funny. I mean, after years of touting the aero benefits of their flat Zicral bladed spokes, why would Mavic suddenly start selling a wheel with giant round carbon fiber drinking straws for spokes? The "clamped" spoke thing is also brilliant. A wheel like that would be totally non-serviceable. The finishing touch is the brilliant chart. What the hell does that even mean? I don't know, but it's really funny.

Performance deserves a lot of credit for making fun of a big manufacturer like Mavic. To imply that Mavic might design, manufacture and sell what is essentially a $1,400 wagon wheel is a pretty subversive joke. I know I'm laughing.