Passing Judgment: Platitudes, Pictures, and Patches

(via 407fixedgear.com)

A wise man once said, "Judge not lest ye be judged."  That man, of course, was Jamie Farr.  The message and the medium may have changed over the years, but the meaning is essentially the same.  No longer are sermons delivered on mounts; instead, they are spelled out on rims.  And, as you can see above, they are sometimes even written in tape on the sides of rental trucks.  (At least this seems to be the case in Florida, or as it is more colloquially known, "America's Teat.")  Still, both are essentially variations of the Golden Rule, and it's as relevant now as it was way back in Jamie Farr's time.  For verily, Farr also said, "Let he who is without love suck the first ball."

But it's not always possible to live up to the high ethical standards of our forebears, especially when there is so much to hate, and particularly when so much of it can be found on Craigslist.  Just a few items that are nearly enough to drive one to disregard even the deplorable prospect of ball-sucking include:

GT/ gtb Track Bike - $700 (Williamsburg)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-09, 5:37PM EST

57cm Aluminum GT Track Bike with suzue flip flop free wheel/fixed gear hub, spin front wheel, campy record head set. This bike is no longer made. Collectors item.
steve
917-676-[deleted]

Just because something is no longer made does not necessarily mean it is a "collectors item."  After all, the GTB was just another inexpensive, entry-level track bike of Taiwanese manufacture.  But I suppose it's not surprising that people are willing to pay top dollar for them, since when they do so they're not paying for the craftsmanship or the quality; instead, they're paying for the impression they've been riding a track bike for ten years.  Why pay half as much for a bike of equal quality when everyone will know you've only had it for a few weeks?  (Or even the same price for the new version, which has already been de-trackified at the factory?)  When you think about it, a few hundred dollars is nothing to pay for the illusion of authenticity.

2008 Fugi Track - 43cm - $600 (Brooklyn)

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-12-14, 9:10PM EST

This is a Brand New fixie. I bought the bike, rode it home, and then proceeded to break a bone soon after and have not been able to ride it since. It is an awesome ride and a really hard find for smaller riders. It is a 43cm frame - good for those of us that are between 5'-5'3". I had them install a brake, which I'm not including in the price. It is a very smooth ride and brand spankin'.

But while it's sad that people are over-paying for used bikes so they look like they've been riding for longer than they have, it's also sad when they buy a new bike, crash almost immediately, and then try to sell it for more than the MSRP.  Also, the fact that the rider has broken a bone is a clue that perhaps this bike might have been involved in some kind of crash.  I'd advise this rider to keep the bike, wait to heal, and start riding again.  Not only do I hate to see someone discouraged so easily, but if Fuji stops making this bike it will no doubt become a "collectors item."


yo riderz im sellin my wip - $700 (brooklyn )
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-15, 2:32AM EST

Front end of my bike
Gsport hub black 7ka rim shadow spokes
Odd director fork just bought it wit box reciet nd warrenty all dat gud stuff
bar north west fit
Profile stem
Mirraco frame 20.5 mirra cranks 3 piece vinnie sprocket colony seat animal wedge seat post odd pc pedalz kmc thick chain nd raer weel odd hazard primo spokes nd lhd primo hub still have reciet no brakes
Aim sherif11217
Number 1646 922 [deleted]
Yo I want like 650 nego
Ill send u picz if u want I can't put dem up cuz im on my sk postin diz

This is truly a remarkable post.  At first I thought it was written in some sort of code, but after reading it a few times I realized it was actually Middle English.  Note the archaic spellings of "wip," "warrenty," and "raer."  Also, he wants "like 650 nego."  Since the nego was a unit of English currency worth about three to the farthing, we can determine that the seller is asking for roughly two groat, one quarter ryal, and ha'penny, which in modern-day US$ is approximately sixteen cents.  Also, the last line of the post means that he can't attach photos because he wants to maintain the ad's period-correct feel, so instead he will post etchings in the town square in a fourtenight's time, God be praised.

Speaking of being judgmental, it's going to be extremely difficult to judge the winner of The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club), because the submissions I've received to date have been nothing short of spectacular.  Here are just a few random highlights so far:


I don't know what this ambiguously-sexed person is about to do, or why (s)he has a crank puller wedged into the vent of his/her helmet, or, perhaps most distressingly, why his/her bibs are down.  I can only imagine something very strange is about to happen, and that the wheel is about to lose its pie plate, or its virginity, or perhaps both.  I also can't help but wonder if this photo was taken at S.P.I.N. (Super Power Inclusion Night) at the Derailer Bicycle Collective in Denver, because it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this model regularly finds shimself among those "excluded by the patriarchy of bike culture and bike shops because of their gender identity."  By the way, the contestant has also provided a sepia-toned, safe-for-work version:



Slightly more artsy, but no less disturbing.

Here's another seductive submission, which I like to call the "Sex Rotor:"

I bet those sliding dropouts aren't the only things that go both ways.  

And if those sliders aren't taking the slack out of your chain, perhaps this sepia-toned forkfest will:

This one comes via frequent commenter Urchin, and it very well may be the most sexually explicit photograph ever taken of bicycle componentry.   Note that the Salsa, head turned in ecstasy, is wearing a computer sensor, which is doubtless there to measure TPM (Thrusts Per Minute).  Note also the top fork, which gives new meaning to the phrase "canti stud."  I just hope they're using plenty of anti-seize.  

Too dirty for you?  How about something "cleaner?" 

Yep, it's a Surly 1x1 in the shower.  Steamy stuff indeed:

Now that puts the "Oy!" in "voyeur."  Those better be sealed bearings; the shower's no place for loose balls.

By the way, it seems that porn has officially joined hooded sweatshirts and flat-brim baseball hats in becoming something that is now inextricably intertwined with cycling despite not being particularly well-suited to it.  Indeed, the people at Knog (makers of the "hipster cyst," as well as the Love/Hate knuckle tattoo glove) inform me that they now offer "porno patches:"

They must have read that flat-fix story in Bust magazine.