Wednesday, September 17, 2008

This Just In: BSNYC Wins a Race!

Firstly, since I'm no longer commenting in the comments section (for the time being anyway) I'd like to address by far the most contentious issue to arise from yesterday's post about the metal-themed roadkill debacle. And that issue is, of course, the fact that I mentioned the band Morbid Angel in the context of grindcore, which seemed to upset a number of people. Yes, obviously Morbid Angel is a death metal band, but they started out on Earache records and came to many people's awareness when they were included on the pivotal Grindcrusher compilation. This was a time when grindcore and death metal bands were adopting aspects of each-other's sounds, and it's an epoch in musical history which, sadly and embarrassingly, I'm all too familiar with. As such, grindcore is an important part of their success (it was, in a sense, their EPO) even if they're not a grindcore band, which, I think, was my point.

Anyway, enough of that crap. This blog is about cycling, and this post is about me. Recently, a car magazine called 0-60 challenged me to a bike-vs-car race. I immediately accepted (and by "immediately" I mean eventually) since this race would give me the opportunity to realize my two biggest dreams: redeeming myself after my loss in the Great NYC Commuter Race to Jamie Favaro; and dominating a Smart car:




Yes, that's right. I raced against a Smart from Greenpoint, Brooklyn to Madison Square Park in Manhattan and I won. Forgive me for gloating, but the last time I won anything on a bicycle the bike had 20-inch wheels. I even borrowed some guy's pit bike so I could experience the thrill of victory on a cyclocross bike, which of all the bicycles out there is the type on which I am least likely to ever win anything.

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Big deal. Bikes are always faster than cars in the city." Well, that's not always true. 0-60 attempted to sandbag me by starting the race right by the entrance to the Midtown Tunnel. Meanwhile, I had to take the Williamsburg Bridge, which added like a half a mile to my route. That might not sound like much, but it is when you're as slow as I am. And not only did I dominate (and by "dominate" I mean I won by a small margin) but the bike also humped the Smart car. Note the obscene crankal position:




I also got the RTMS visage onto the contributor page, sandwiched between a couple of car nerds:



But perhaps best of all, you too can experience what it's like to win a race against a tiny car, because there's a video. That's right--actual video, complete with inspirational soundtrack. So thanks to the guys at 0-60, and to the miracle of handlebar-mounted camera technology, you can see for yourself just how slow I am.

So enjoy the video, and check out the latest issue of 0-60 for the race report (though I'm guessing most of you have it anyway, since if you're reading this blog you're probably also in the market for an Aston Martin):



Anyway, many thanks to Brian Scotto and the guys at 0-60 for the fun opportunity. And if for some reason you're offended I contributed to a car magazine or something, I'll just say that when you suck as bad as I do you go wherever you have to in order to win. I was this close to contacting The Lion Roars to see if I could race against a Lionel train.

120 comments:

Anonymous said...

Donkey!

mary poppins said...

comments races are the only races that matter

Anonymous said...

wow, early post today!

mendacity said...

podium!

Anonymous said...

je suis cinq

ant1 said...

ant1st!

matt said...

i finished better in the comment section now than anything else in my life

Anonymous said...

JV Sideburns

ice cube said...

SNOBBY!!!

PLEASE CHECK OUT FGG!! BULLHORNS IN COLORADO!! RIDICULOUS!!HAHAHAHA:)

AH said...

oh dear god, they really are bull horns. attached with about a half dozen hose clamps. on a softride. wedged between 2 trees.

WTF...

Anonymous said...

Haha good job!

PS. was the driver texting at some point in the video? FOR SHAME...

Anonymous said...

Check the ShenXiang... Is that an anodized pie plate???

Anonymous said...

"shit bike"
"slow cars"
"dumb post"

ice cube said...

Only in goddamn colorado...

Andrew said...

no helmet?
you're killin' me man!

Anonymous said...

Way to go snob!

sharpE said...

I thought winning was for sandbaggers and dopers? Oh the shame!

leroy said...

Congratulations!

Wow! A race in NYC that doesn't include self mutilation and road kill. Who woulda thunk it?

But it's a toss up as to who enjoyed it more. You or your bike.

Hopefully, we'll never know what the progeny of a cyclocross bike and a Smart Car looks like. (Insert in appropriate Mini-Cooper joke here.)

Surly Bastard said...

Congratulations on your victory Snobby! A win is a win anyway you can get it.

When I saw the photo of the bike mounting a Smart Car I thought it was a new kind of mobile cyclocross barrier ... not a bad idea ...

Anonymous said...

That song was from "The Karate Kid" brilliant!!!!

peter cetera said...

"I am a man who will shit on your honor..."

bisickle said...

Looked like a good time.

A buddy of mine has a Smart Car and we actually managed to fit both of our bikes and two of our teammates bikes on top and two inside on our way to LA for a crit.

I was impressed, but then again, I laugh at farts.

Eric said...

"Crankal Position" would be an excellent name for my next grindcore endeavor. That car took it in the grill!

Gavin said...

You totally cheated by going through red lights and up onto the footpath! Very disappointing. Surely your brush with the man the other day would have taught you respect.

p.s. I'm impressed you're not a fatty for some reason

Anonymous said...

wow thrilling video - I just HATED it when those people kept getting in your way.

Anonymous said...

pipe burn

Anonymous said...

nothing inspires me more than music from any of the karate kid movies. nice job on the win.

jessica said...

59D?

Anonymous said...

No helmet -- how euro. How dumb.

Strayhorn said...

Dude, congrats. And props to getting RTMS on the author list. LULZ.

And ignore the death-metal vs grindcore vs whatever crowd. The only time these conversations are appropriate are when everyone involved is so drunk they can't remember it the next day.

Anonymous said...

i spy bib straps. if you're gonna wear bibs, why not wear bibs?

Chunk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
apox said...

is there any particular reason you felt it necessary to borrow a 'cross bike for this race? it seems a little like admonishing drug use with the wave of one, while you surreptitiously plunge a needle full of "junk" into your leg with the other. pardon the drug reference, i know you're still getting over your own battle with injecting the concentrated toxins of michael ball's underarm secretions in between your toes.

Chunk said...

I like how the driver was shifting gears as if the Smart Car would go faster. In fact, I didn't know Smart Cars even had multiple speeds.

bk jimmy said...

And ignore the death-metal vs grindcore vs whatever crowd. The only time these conversations are appropriate are when everyone involved is so drunk they can't remember it the next day.

Who's to say they're not?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, much to the consternation of the snobstalkers,
you are getting downright cocky. In the past, the photographic evidence of your existence was shadowy and indirect. Now you are captured, albiet briefly, in plain sight and in full daylight. So much for the theory that you are actually a heavyset black woman. BTW, that appeared to be a sack of potatoes on your back, and not a hipster-approved Chrome messenger bag. What gives? Oh well, at least you were not in your underpants, which is apparently your default uniform of choice.

Anonymous said...

i spy bib straps. if you're gonna wear bibs, why not wear bibs?

He has extra shorts on to hold up his shorts, therefore the straps are not necessary.

frilly said...

Snobby, why do you tease me so? I even showed you my panties.

Nice curb hop.

Ti( * )( * )ies said...

I just watched that naked.

Scott said...

Trying you my new avatar

kale said...

The real video is here


"Borrowed" a cyclocross bike?

ant1 said...

That's some good riding there snobby. Is there any way you could post the article for our viewing pleasure?

Anonymous said...

Scott, You can alternate that avatar with the one at the end of the video where rtms/bsnyc is barely visible through the sunroof ... just a thought. How cool is it that he can gratiously shake hands with the driver and still manage to have his full face blocked by the door/windshield frame ? Like a biking ninja.

ant1 said...

anon 1:30 - I always assume snobby was an architect type, but I guess his camera evasion skills prove he's a ninjaneer.

Anonymous said...

ant1, Mr. Miyata taught him well !

roomservicetaco said...

I think you've earned a rematch with Jamie Favaro.

crispy said...

I sense a crack in the Snob's armor of anonymity....

Nonetheless a good race. Reminds of the Top Gear segment where they pitted Hammond on a bike against Jeremy in a boat, May in a car, and Stig on mass transportation. Poor Hammond about killed himself :-)

video_drome said...

Wow you can ALMOST see Snob's face at the end of that video.


oh well! Death To Video Drome!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Helmets are for beaters and pussies. After viewing the video your riding would put in the beater category! What is with the spelling error in yesterdays post - beater!

Anonymous said...

Bikesnob vs. Lionel train... You know I could probably make that happen.

Der Blaue Reiter said...

Nice ped dodge at about 1:50!

Lucky 7 said...

Nice bunz @ 1:35.


A

Anonymous said...

nice tat, snobby

Kind Of A Big Deal said...

Dude, you rule. Nice shorts!

prolly said...

That smart car got sonned!

SD said...

"I just watched that naked."

Chris Cooley in the HOUSE!

Anon 2:11 said...

It's hard for me to give praise. I am inherently stingy with it.

But that was a good narrative. I've never heard of 0-60 but good for them and good for Snob.

As it happens, I am not in the market for an Astin Martin but I will be sure to glance through it if I find myself near a magazine rack before the end of the month.

Critical Ass said...

**I think you've earned a rematch with Jamie Favaro.**

Maybe that could happen on next year's 5 Boros Tour. But I'll warn you that she has been training hard and now she even looks a little more hardcore.

Ignatius J. Reilly said...

I was wondering who the ruffian was who all but killed my poor mother whilst she walked to BQE Liquor. For Shame!

bikesgonewild said...

...riding a bike in nyc on a weekday w/ all the bus, car & truck effluvium is one thing...racing in it is another...

...i've made arrangements w' the usoc to have them send you some 'leftover' black filter masks from the beijing olympics...

...apparently they weren't all used & i guess the ones that were, weren't particularly well received...

...who knew ???...

specialrider said...

Snob, did you get that bike from Prince?

ka_jun said...

a-ha! awesome post!

Anonymous said...

I think you should race a Lion... That would be fun!

fleshblocks said...

congrats snob! victory isn't an every day commodity enjoy it :)

Anonymous said...

No helmet? Weak.

Tim K. said...

Congrats snob!
I for one am glad that snob's identity continues to remain a secret. A secret identity is just one more weapon in the arsenal of a bike-ninja blogger to fight the daily bike lane injustices and traffic in NYC. Also if he were identified then he'd be prone to assassins throwing razor sharp pie plate ninja stars at him. I'm just sayin...

db said...

Winning anything is nice, but beating a car is 10 times better. Nice work, Snob.

manicallday said...

Where is your helmet Snob?

Adrian said...

You are... pigmented white?

ice cube said...

Snobby could race the loose lion in Galveston!

deep south said...

"wite powr"

db said...

After watching the video, I need to add that you were lucky that you weren't doored by the cop...

kale said...

BIBS TRAP

Anonymous said...

Those aren't bib straps. They're either tzitzis or dual wallet chains.

Either way, 'great job.'

Camp Cupboard said...

Sweet bib/camo shorts combo. A collabo in your crotch!

Ralph Lauren said...

Is that a Rapha handkerchief in your camo-short pocket?

Anonymous said...

i hope ur faster in cx than in traffic

Wade said...

I think that's the car that ran me down the other day. Snob, I think you're at least half responsible for my road rash (rage), cracked milk crate, the blood sausage that split open upon impact and a bottle of Gigondas that suffered some serious bottle shock. Just think what might have happened if I were on my way home to dinner. Was that a helmetless Snob shooting ahead of the machine at the beginning of the video? If so, get a helmet. Snobs can't write from ICU.

Anonymous said...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............eh, i'll check back tomorrow

Daniel Laruso said...

I hate this bike! This stupid bike!

Anonymous said...

That was some nice pedestrian dodging there Snob old boy. I find that the best ped dodging in NYC is to be found on Astor Place, specifically approaching on Lafayette from the South. It's great because even if you have the light they will cross. The key is not to slow down, but to thread the needle at the highest speed possible, thereby freezing any nearby pedestrians in place. The most dangerous pedestrian is the one who sees you and tries to get out of your way.

Michael Ball said...

Wow! No helmet and a messenger bag. Looks like you are on your way to King Kog.

nnms said...

All you balls suck my haters.

Henry Paulson said...

AIGs ucks
IOU8 5Bil

areUpake? said...

Snobby we can see your face through the windshield as the smart car pulls up to admit defeat! for shame! ... well at least an extremely pixilated and blurry image of your face. Any PI's out there with some picture enhancement and facial recognition software. This just could be it... although I do admit to your ninja curb hopping pedestrian dodging "mad skillz"

kale said...

NOHE LMET
SPDP EDAL
TAXI DOOR
PAVE MENT
NOMO BLOG

areUpake? said...

P.S. nice tat

Robin said...

he's a youngish white guy who actually has an okay bike (which is not the ironic orange julius bike)

Scott Dukes said...

Hey Snob,

Left end of the car nerd sandwich here. Funny seeing the article in the issue. Congrats on the win! I'm sure Scotto and the clown car really wanted it.

Figured I'd make the world go round with a blog entry of my own:

http://dukesphotography.com/blog/2008/09/17/car-nerd-sandwich/

Andy Pandy said...

Hey , as some noobie Trek racer once said “It is all about the bike” errrr something along those lines. Must have been the ceramic jockey wheels that gave you the little edge

Let me tell you somethin' about my best friend... said...

BSNYC, you've earned it!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hhm0NHhCBg

Gerchof Sirdribeldik said...

Sure maybe you victorious for now but your enemy will emerge more powerful and intent on capturing your motherland and turning your women into hoes, even pitchforks and other necessary tools.

Will no work. Go for complete humiliation and destruction. Driver must be so despondant that he take his own life. You need to break into his personal email accounts and destroy your enemy over every intimate detail. Old KGB trick that American Democratic Party has wisely adopted. If you from province of Chicago you no need worry about silly ethics rules.

Putin adores you.

Cameron said...

A bicep tat, messenger back and no helmet? After seeing those bald armadillo tires a while back, I thought for you more of a bearded velo-practicale types. There I go generalizing again.

tex said...

Nice work, RTMS! That was some kickass maneuvering and taxi-dodging, too. You sure you ain't ever been a messenger? It's easy to picture you with a big ol' iron basket on the front of a mountain bike, maybe with the prototype for those "Street Cuffs" lock hanging off one side.

robert said...

I think I saw that Smart Car this afternoon on Franklin while riding home...how many blue Smart Cars can there be in Greenpoint, really?

Yaraslav Popovych said...

Gerchof, we both know that if it was a quality Ruski car like the La-de-da that RTMS would have been left gasping in a gaseous tomb of carbon monoxide

Anonymous said...

News in from Oz that a woman died after a bus pulled out from a parking spot , so some of those nifty tricks might have consequences

Cameron said...

After closer inspection of video stills, it appears that aside from the tat, camo shorts and 52cm frame, bikesnob looks like me...er...I look like bikesnob.

prolly said...

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asshole said...

100?

asshole said...

100?

Johnny Sprocket said...

A cross bike..? I guess the highly customised, Snob, NYC fixie would have been a giveaway eh?

Anonymous said...

Snobby- You may not be as fast as I am but you are certainly as reckless!
Prove me wrong- I think a match is in order, I suggest 181st to Battery Park. And to prove Critical Ass wrong- I'll do it in a bikini top.
j aka jamie favaro

bikesgonewild said...

...ah, prolly ???...ya know i've had yer back on a lotta issues, but listen, son, don't be wasting that shit, even on the haterz...

...just sayin'...

veloben said...

I wasn't being aggressive enough

Yeah right. I heard that lots when driving SCCA rally back in the 80s. If you can't drift the turns don't show up.

RTMS, very nice bike handling. Excellent product placement.

Brian said...

yup, and are you still racing rally...nope!

stack-up said...

Sweet post. I love that the race was timed in thousanths of a second. You are the best around, and nothing will ever keep you down.

Anonymous said...

Helmets just get in the way, spend the cash of some cycle training instead. Most folk learned to ride as kids and city streets are different enviroment altogether.

Cycle Jerk said...

BSNYC has arms! I knew it, your cover is blown snob!

stoned/drunkmountainbikerstorytopper said...

Photo of more Trek Cops. Could these guys catch me? Doubtful.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/veteransforpeace/2851606808/sizes/o/in/set-72157607233266202/

stoned/drunkmountainbikerstorytopper said...

And another, with women on Treks.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/veteransforpeace/2851607676/sizes/o/in/set-72157607233266202/

Anonymous said...

I totally have a crush on the Snobby.

Anonymous said...

They should have used "eye of the tiger" for the soundtrack.

Botched

cadel evans said...

This also would've been a good soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZkllM8znx4

Anonymous said...

bikesgonewild,

that's fake prolly. notice there's not an orange blogger icon next to the name.

looks like you got trolled, son!

veloben said...

Brian,

Actually, yes I am.

Gnarles Darwin said...

"SMAR TCAR"

michael said...

This is isn't the first time Man has beaten machine...

I respectfully submit:
http://www.neistat.com/movies/yogurtvsgasoline/index.htm

That guy driving looks familiar!

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