Most Defs: Clarifying the Lexicon of Cycling

Of the many contributions Sheldon Brown made to cycling, one of the most valuable is his Bicycle Glossary. Now, I would never presume to add to that or to undertake such a project myself. However, I do think there are many cycling-specific terms that intimidate newcomers and serve as a barrier of entry into the sport. Not only that, but once you're in the sport it can take you even longer to learn what some of these terms really mean. To that end, I've chosen a few words and phrases more or less at random and provided what I feel are accurate definitions:

Bike Culture: A social clique organized around a certain style of bicycle and clothing. Members identify one-another through recognition of certain inside jokes and by displaying certain labels and brands on their clothing and bicycles. Periodically members of the “bike culture” organize events which only peripherally involve riding. Such events include: art installations; film screenings; and sitting on their bicycles for as long as possible without putting their feet down. Ironically, one can ride or race a bicycle every day for years without ever becoming—or even meeting—a member of the bike culture. Then one day one might stop into a bar for a drink and suddenly encounter 20 or 30 of them.

Bike Polo: A popular ironic social pastime for members of the bike culture who might otherwise opt for adult kickball except that it does not allow them to be close enough to their bikes. In New York City, bike polo is played in a Chinatown playground, which has resulted in exchanges like the following in many of the local homes:

Mom: Hi, son. What are you doing home so soon? You finished all your homework so I said you could go play with your friends.

Son: Yes, but when we got there a bunch of big kids was already there. They said we couldn’t play because they were there first.

Mom: Big kids? How old were they?

Son: I’d say mid-20s to early 30s. They were playing hockey on their bicycles.

Mom: Those don’t sound like kids to me. You should have told them the playground is for children.

Son: We did, and they said they’d be done around 10 or 11 and we could play after that. We explained that was past our bedtime, and they said too bad, they all had graphic design jobs to get to the next morning too. But they did say if we got there at the same time tomorrow we could do “odds-evens” for it. They also said we could play if we wanted, but it looked really stupid.

Campagnolo: The only bicycle components that can imbue your bike with true Italian flavor. Unfortunately, like most Italian bicycle companies these days Campagnolo’s “innovations” are increasingly gimmicky (Hirth joint cranks and 11 speed for example), so now that Italian flavor is mainly desperation with a hint of garlic.

Cat 4: A Cat 5 who has done 11 or more races. [e.g, “Lame duck;” “Virgin after graduation.”]

Ceramic Bearings: The most exciting development in cycling in the last five years, these allow manufacturers to charge four times the regular price for a bottom bracket without improving either its design or performance.

Integrated: See “proprietary”

Laterally Stiff and Vertically Compliant: An oft-repeated phrase in bicycle reviews meaning the frame did not buckle and collapse during the test period.

People who type their entire email message in the subject line and then leave the body of the email blank: Annoying.

Proprietary: disposable

Shimano 7900 Hollow Chainrings: The world’s most exciting and innovative production chainrings and a few grams of synthetic mozzarella away from being the stuffed crust pizza of drivetrain components. [Stuffed crust pizza: see Bianchi Structural Foam]

Pendulo-anatophobia: The irrational fear of somehow getting your testicles caught in the cutout of your anatomic saddle.

Training With Power: Riding with your head up your ass. [e.g., Wearing a Bluetooth headset during a romantic dinner.]

Technical: When used by road cyclists, this describes any course containing challenging features like turns. When used by mountain bikers, it means a course containing any obstacle that can still be felt when ridden over on a dual-suspension bike. When applied to specific sections of certain cycling publications, it refers to the act of simply reprinting manufacturers' press releases verbatim.