Wednesday, May 14, 2008

This Just In: Scandal at the Tour!

I have it on good authority that right now, in Italy, the Giro d'Italia is taking place. If you're unfamiliar with this race, it's the one with the pink. It's pretty similar to the Tour de France, except it takes place in Italy. It also has a complex jersey system which nobody really understands. The best summary I've been able to find is this:

Maglia Rosa (or Pink Jersey): Overall Race Leader
Maglia Verde (or Green Jersey): King of the Mountains Leader
Maglia Ciclamino (no translation--this color is visible only to Italians): Best Gesticulation Indicating Derision
Maglia Clam Sauce: Sloppiest Eater the Previous Evening
Maglia Pescare la Rete (Fishnet Jersey): Leader of the Smarmiest Rider Competition

Over the course of three weeks this race moves like a self-propelled meatball over the red checkered tablecloth that is the Italian peninsula.  If you're one of the people currently following this meatball, fear not--you will find no spoilers here.  Instead, I'm focussing my attention on another, more important event.  I'm talking of course about the Five Boro Bike Tour.

Attentive readers are no doubt aware that not only is the Five Boro Bike Tour not even a race, but also that it already took place on May 4th.  What's more, I even conducted an interview with the winner, Lawrence Orbach.  Since then, however, I've received a photograph taken at the finish which calls into question the very outcome of this monument of non-competitive bike tours:  


(Photo courtesy of Bike New York)

I assure you that this photo was sent to me by the ride organizers and that it is indeed 100% authentic.  You can clearly tell that the rider on the left is not Mr. Orbach because he is not riding Mr. Orbach's Aerobespoked monstrosity.  Instead, he appears to be some sort of maniac in a full-face helmet riding what looks like a Bianchi Pista.  Furthermore, none of the riders behind this maniac seem to be Mr. Orbach either.  Thus we can draw two conclusions: 1) Lawrence Orbach did not "win" the Five Boro Bike Tour; and 2) Lawrence Orbach did not even finish in the lead group at the Five Boro Bike Tour.

Of course, it's unlikely that Mr. Orbach will lose his title.  Not only has the protest period expired, but it actually never even existed in the first place (this not being a race and all).  Furthermore, the "winner" depicted in this photo is not even wearing the blue bib of a registered Five Boro Bike Tour participant, which would indicate that he is a renegade rider.  (As does the fact that he shows no signs of slowing, despite the fact that he's well past the finish line.)  Indeed, if you look closely at the other riders you'll note their looks of confusion and consternation.  Frankly, I'm as outraged as they are, but I have it on good authority that the people at Bike New York intend to take disciplinary action.  (This action may or may not involve the confiscation of any free snacks that were taken by this rider and that remain uneaten.)

How this scandal will impact the future of the Five Boro remains to be seen, as does its potential effect on the PistaDex.  On one hand, current Pista owners may wish to distance themselves from this rider's behavior by selling their bikes cheaply and quickly.  On the other hand, his rogue status may imbue the Pista with a sort of countercultural mystique, driving their price on the used market even higher.  Full-face helmets may also become in demand as millions of riders across the country attempt to emulate this masked man who not only beat a bunch of people who weren't racing, but also couldn't even be bothered to register in the first place.

Thanks to the good people at Bike New York for sharing this photo with me.  Mr. Orbach was not available for comment.

50 comments:

techb3 said...

really?

techb3 said...

2nd

techb3 said...

3rd

Peter said...

funny shit

techb3 said...

this seems to be another race where the participants arent racing. wtf guys?

Anonymous said...

Sixth for the Fishnet jersey!

Anonymous said...

top tizzle...

Le Chef said...

can't help myself along with you butt heads.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Couldn't keep up with the breakaway

leroy said...

My cousin Loophole the lawyer asked me if you could forward his card to Mr. Orbach.

He mentioned something about libel per se.

He also said something about an injunction requiring the the Tour to ban full face helmets due to unfair aerodynamics.

Personally, though, my opinion is that, for some of us, aesthetics and anonymity simply have to trump aerodynamics.

As several astute commentators have noted with similar observations, "just sayin'."

Anonymous said...

That temp security guard on the left should be fired for his unprofessional stance, and his inability to respond to the situation in an appropriate fashion: tackling the renegade rider with no entry bib as he crossed the finish line.

S.K. said...

I won the AIDS ride once.

Pedal Strike Force Agent Down said...

no, no, no...

that's the guy who rides ahead in criteriums and such to make sure nobody gets in the way of the racers.

his motorcycle wouldn't start that morning.

Bobbo said...

good thing they had those barriers to keep the crowds back

Anonymous said...

Fishnet Jersey...that is so wrong....my eyeballs are assaulted.
Shame on you Bikesnob

Anonymous said...

Orbach says the full faced helmet
rider is either Rosie Ruez or Katie Holomes.

Chris G said...

BUY BUY BUY!!!

http://richmond.craigslist.org/bik/678125243.html

Anonymous said...

But note, it is a Pista with a front brake. And toe clips! And what is he wearing? leggings?

Anonymous said...

That behelmeted freak is none other than The Lone Biker of the Alpacalips.

Doom is upon us, my friends.


A

mr.complaint said...

Not to mention the no longer used Maglia Capo di Cazzo. And the Maglia Gran' disgraziato.

Gruppo Compatto.

Anonymous said...

The fishnet jersey -- Ewwww! -- my eyes hurt! BTW, is that breathable fabric?

FixedgearFotoFreak said...

Man, I love CNC cycling! Finished 3rd in the MS150 two years ago on a fixed. Alas, there was no podium so I stood on the hood of the nearest SUV and mimed the award ceremony.

just another guy with a bike said...

fixedgearfototfreak,

You must have looked extra cool shaking up the bottle of champagne and fake dousing the crowd!!

I was taught that anytime there are more than two riders present that it is a race, even if the only prize is bragging rights.

Anonymous said...

It's just a messenger, delivering a helmet. He cleverly decided it would be easier to carry it on his head than in his bag, not caring how stupid he looks -- 'cause we all know messengers don't care how stupid they look.

The "race" going on? Coincidence.

As for Mr. Orbach... fail.

And how the hell does techb3 claim first, second AND third?! Isn't there a techb1 and techb2?

Anonymous said...

Leroy--

Is your cousin the same Loophole who works for the prestigious firm of Hudson, Sausage, Jerky, and Deer? If so, Mr. Orbach would be in good hands.

sd said...

Just another...

It's only a race if at least one of them says he is taking it easy today, because he has tuberculosis, and doen't want it to get worse, plushe hasn't slept or eaten in three days.

Anonymous said...

Snob- I would be very happy with more Grand Tour bashing. Pass.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant, great post.

just another guy with a bike said...

SD,
That would explain whay everyone always seemed to ride harder during finals week in college. I always complained about only getting 8 hours per week and thus stating (unbeknowingly) that the ride was then officially a race. If only I knew then what I knew now.... I have always finished so - pass

Charles said...

Looks to me like that numbnut is skidding triumphantly over the finish line, and then past it, and into the crowd

Anonymous said...

I'm reasonably sure full-face-helmet-guy is riding an '07 Bianchi San Jose.

Badger said...

He deserves a medal

Commiecanuk said...

BSNYC, you forgot a few other jerseys part of the Giro tradition:

maglia d'oro: to the rider who places highest in a climb wearing the most gold religious jewelry.

maglia pelligroso: to the rider who grows the most back hair during the Giro.

maglia di occhiali: to the rider with the most fashionable sunglasses

And the highly controversial
maglia della sorella calda:

given to the rider with the hottest sister, won 5 times by Ivan Basso, for his sister Elisa Basso, but there obviously some enhancement involved.

leroy said...

Dear Anon 1:17 PM --

I am sure that Hudson Sausage is a fine firm (I believe it is the successor to the venerable Hudson Ralson Rillarah & De Brawl-brawla-Suet), but my cousin Loophole does not practice there.

After the celebrated acquital of his blind client charged as a Peeping Tom (the defense was "Your Honor, my client just doesn't see it that way"), Loophole was recruited by an old line white shoe firm, Dewey Phumpher & Howe.

Loophole explains that he was hired for a minyan.

Loophole's father-in-law (my Uncle) maintains that Loophole misheard. They hired him for a minion.

Loophole told me that when he learned of the injustice facing Mr. Orbach, he couldn't simply stand by. He was moved to tears and further moved to offer his help for a reasonable and appropriate fee.

Anonymous said...

but Snobster - it's Weednesday?

smartypants said...

Hey RTMS, you need to cover the REAL scandal of the tour. Apparently Lance never won it - not even once. Some guy named Johnny has won it EVERY YEAR!

Anonymous said...

Maybe Levi could do this at the TDF.

marypoppins said...

That photo is fantastic, I love it

bikesgonewild said...

...i've always thought the majority of the wheelsuckers who vie for podium contention on these pages should be excluded by virtue of the fact that they haven't even read the blog before they throw their arms in the air in posting triumph, thereby cheapening the competition & disappointing the roadside tifosi...

...i now, however face the dichotomy of (a)-my contentious derision towards podium posers & (b)-my compelling desire to strive towards winning & wearing the 'maglia pescare la rete'...

...it's certainly not the look of the jersey (kinda gay...not that there is anything wrong w/ that) & it would do nothing for my pale bloated features but it's an award i might regularly contend for, despite strong competizione...

...i might occasionally be able to don the 'maglia ciclamino' for shouting out 'va fongole' w/ an italian salute (prego !!!) or even the 'maglia salsa vongole' (note the pesto & al pomodoro stains down the chest of all my jersey's) but a rider must know where his strength lies...

...maglia rosa/rtms/bsnyc has a nice ring & flow to it & for il duce...scusi but it's kind of a given...he's our leader...besides, i heard the man looks good in pink (not that there's anything...blah, blah, blah) & as for the 'maglia verde'...well, king of a hill of, ah well, anything, is just that...

...so now, while i've got my work cut out for me, i've trained hard & i know i'm a contender...

...ciao...buonasera...

roomservicetaco said...

CC, nice offerings, esp. Srta. Basso.

"maglia pelligroso: to the rider who grows the most back hair during the Giro."

Should be maglia bruta, no?

Commiecanuk said...

Maglia bruta is for the most bitter, whiny rider, made famous by Simoni in 03 and 06..but I hear one hangs in BSNYC's office.

roomservicetaco said...

Guess that means David Millar gets the maglia tiro after today's stage.

Anonymous said...

maglia pelligroso was canned by WADA.

bikesgonewild said...

..."maglia pelligroso was canned by wadw"...

...actually it was canned by a small canadian subsidiary of wada owned by dick pound...

...i still prefer the bottled stuff from mexico...

Anonymous said...

may I suggest that a correct translation of "fishnet jersey" is just "maglia a rete". ciao delma

Ka_Jun said...

Hey snob, check it out. I couldn't stop watching this infomercial.

http://www.lrbikes.com/?src=google&gclid=CKHJkaiGqZMCFQJ-xgodJ2jQog

Anonymous said...

You should see all of the craigslist nonsense going on in LA over fixed gears.
A couple of my favorites:
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lgb/car/682565111.html
and
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/bar/682368038.html

I am sure you will find these useful, or at least laughable.

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