Friday, April 18, 2008

Mayday, Mayday! Gearing Up for Bike Month


Did you know that next month is National Bike Month? Yep, that’s right, we’ve got our own month all to ourselves! Now I don’t know about you, but I’m tremendously excited. I feel like Tom Cruise in “Risky Business” right after his parents left town and he called Rebecca De Mornay but right before the pimp stole all his furniture. In fact, I’m so psyched for Bike Month I hardly know what to do first! So for some guidance, I went over to the League of American Bicyclists website, where they have a handy PDF full of suggestions. Here were my five favorites:

#2. Decorate a cake or cookies with a bicycle theme.




Decorate a cake?!? You don't have to tell me twice! The only thing I enjoy more than baking scrumptious desserts is whimsically adorning my creations with delightful decorations. And my Bike Month cake is already done. It's the Mario Cipollini "Mmm, Smell My Fingers!" cake. Nobody knows for sure where those hands have been nor what they smell like (though "crotchy" is probably a good guess), but one thing's for sure: the cake's delicious.




#5. Try a New Type of Cycling: Cyclocross




Hey, I'm all for people trying cyclocross, but I can't stress enough that it is not a "running race, with a bicycle added for extra excitement..." The bicycle is not incidental in cyclocross--the running is. This is the kind of misconception that leads some people to liken cyclocross to triathlon, which is one of the most egregious and offensive comparisons you can make to a cyclocross racer. It's sort of like calling a Japanese person Chinese, or an Irish person English. "Whatever, same thing. You both use chopsticks." Riiight. Plus, Bike Month is in May, and you're not going to find too many cyclocross races going on in the Spring. What do they recommend for June, ice fishing?

#28. Attend a local cycling race.



This is an exceedingly bad piece of advice. If it's May, chances are your "local cycling race" is an amateur road race. And there is nothing more boring than watching an amateur road race. I'd rather watch traffic on the LIE than watch an amateur road race. At least you can always see cars on the LIE. An amateur road race though consists of a bunch of roadies going by, then nothing for like 20 minutes, then the group zipping by again, then nothing, and finally a sprint followed by excuses and long-winded protests to the officials. We want to keep people interested in cycling, not put them off of it. Sure, there are some races that aren't boring to watch, just like there are some movies starring John Travolta that aren't awful. But in both cases they're so rare that it's not worth the risk--it's better to just avoid them altogether. So unless you are a racer yourself, do not--I repeat, do not--attend a local cycling race.


#31. Attach playing card to your bike wheel and ride around like you did when you were a little kid.



This pretty much describes every fixed-gear rider in Williamsburg, for whom every month is apparently Bike Month. Do I have to use risers on a 90mm stem too?

#48. Ride a different bike than usual: Try a tandem, a tricycle or a unicycle!




Now this is a piece of advice I can get behind--not because it would be fun to do myself, but because it would be tremendously entertaining to watch. I'd love it if for the entire month of May cyclists were forced to ride completely unfamiliar machines. I'm imagining roadies falling all over themselves on mountain bike trails; recumbent riders struggling to stay upright on unicycles, and Rivendell riders hunched painfully over Pinarellos. If we all took this advice, Bike Month would be an anarchic, floundering free-for-all. On second thought, though, for a lot of riders every day is an anarchic, floundering free-for-all. It certainly describes my commute this morning, which consisted largely of dodging fawn-legged fair-weather riders on their bikes for the first time since last Fall. In any event, I'm looking forward to kicking back with a slice of Cipollini cake and watching the insanity.

87 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello

WRXJohnny said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

Podium!?

Anonymous said...

bridesmaid, never a bride

Cameron said...

top 5

Anonymous said...

Hi Viktor!

Anonymous said...

Mmmmm . . . Cipollini cake . . . .

baking smartypants said...

Is the Cipo cake chocolate or vanilla?

I can think of strong arguments for either.

Anonymous said...

Top 10 -- pass!!!

Cameron said...

It's got to be a marble cake, I'm sure.

ka_jun said...

Ouch...I'll get right on those Preparation H blueberry muffins.

Anonymous said...

Mmmmm... the cake looks like vanilla with an orange filling and a butter-cream frosting. Love the roses!

sweettooth smartypants said...

cameron 1:00PM:

If marble, then we can assume the teeth-area of the cake is a blindingly-white shade of vanilla.

Ti( * )( * )ies said...

I'm going to bake some chamois cream filled eclairs. MMMMM

erik k said...

during cycling month can we make a nation taint awareness day? it will be the perfect occasion to eat the Cipollini cake

slippery smartypants said...

ti(*)(*)ies 1:04pm,

Just use petroleum jelly. It's cheaper and lubricates just as well. Or at least it always has for my canolli.

Cameron said...

sweettooth smartypants

the teeth are made of angel food cake for extra peerly whiteness.

ka_jun said...

Hey RTMS, I can't believe you didn't hit "Make a bike mix tape", "Have a murder mystery bike tour", or "do a chalk drawing in front of your house wishing a happy birthday to bicycling". Man...I'm going down the list and it just keeps getting better and better.

"Wear spandex to your next board meeting." - NOW we're talkin'!

Ahab said...

Ugh. This list makes me want to sell all my bikes.

Jewbeard said...

I want me some Cipo cake.

Cameron said...

erik k,

that is some funny shit.

depressed smartypants said...

cameron-

The more I think about it, the less I'm sure that even the pure, heavenly untainted whiteness of angel food cake would be sufficient to represent The Cipo's oral greatness. . .

I wonder if we could get those people on Food Network's Ace of Cakes to tackle this challenge?

Swami said...

I would pay to see Grant Peterson ride a Cervelo Soloist, without a stem riser.

Brendan said...

I think that list is for bike month 2006.

Jim said...

Try riding a different kind of bike? Boy, do I have just the Scott Addict for Grant Peterson to check out... carbon fiber seat and everything.

AH said...

Judging by the photos in the PDF they should have added:

51. Ride your bike in a stupid sleeveless jersey.

Commiecanuk said...

Many activities were left off that list:

#212: beat a homeless person to death with a bike -it's fun and free cardio!
#213: Ride a bike on heroin
#214: Ride a bike to Canada -watch out for snow this July!
#215: Sleep with Mario Cipollini
#216: Masterbate to videos of Tom Boonen at the tour of Flanders.
#217: Read a book to George Hincapie, he likes ones about monkeys.

As for the card-in-the-spokes suggestion, this is tons of fun, but it is not advised for owners of Mavic R-sys wheels.

Cameron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Martin Van Nostrand said...

Swami said...

I would pay to see Grant Peterson ride a Cervelo Soloist, without a stem riser.


Only if it's one size too small and at least a 140m stem.

bikesgonewild said...

...erik k...yer a sick bastid & taint nothin' to be done about it...funny vid...

...mario's "mmm, smell my fingers !" cake...gaaack !!!...now, i wouldn't even go near a cupcake, next month...

...just to clear my head, i feel the need to listen to my well worn copy of spinal tap's "smell the glove"...

Scott said...

I always find it amusing how so many cyclocross enthusiasts talk about the tremendous bike-handling skills required for 'cross. Don't get me wrong; a good 'cross dismount and remount is a thing of beauty, but when they're touting their ability at "riding a bike over hill and dale and across obstacles, while maintaining one's balance and not losing that all-important bike chain", the mountain biker in me just has to point out that they're really just riding on poorly-maintained lawns.

And how is "commute to work on a bike" all the way down at number 22? Shouldn't it be at number two, right after "ride a &$%*ing bike"?

Cameron said...

Hey!

What's wrong with sleeveless jerseys?

I don't like the farmer/euro-pro tan lines.

smartypants said...

cameron, you're not a closet triathlete I hope?

I smell an intervention. . .

Anonymous said...

Well, I think we'll look at the borrowed library book (23) before going on the Progressive Dinner (10) on a tandem (48) Family Ride (33) which will start with an electrolyte drink before riding over the Chalk Drawing in our driveway (14) around the block to the eagerly anticipated Decorated Cake (02) before watching the Bicycling Movie classic (37).

kalavanka trump said...

hahaha

cyclocross is a running race

Anonymous said...

Cameron, if you have to be told what is wrong with a sleeveless jersey,then you must live in a trailer park.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, I guess you would disapprove of the "RTMS Approve" spoke card in the wheel of my Langster NYC Taxi edition.

evan, yo! said...

I like the idea of a Double Chocolate Chip-ollini Cake.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for highlight the typo in #48.
Thanks a lot, RTMS.

L.A.B.'s job is tough enough without glassy-eyed mugshots making light of our promotional strategies.

P.S. I like Bacitracin frosting (NOT pain relief formula)

Anonymous said...

Better than Bag Balm

Anonymous said...

Yeah, #50 is a great idea.

Plan for Bike Week 2007.

Polygraf said...

I only ride my bikes( all my bike are black) during black history month its the only time I feel safe. I celebrate my balckfulness in may. Bike month is another attempt to distract- by the "man" aka rtms- don't be fooled.

Boz said...

anon 1:58
only in wisconsin

Anonymous said...

#48 makes me sorry I missed the Moab MUniFest.

dopepedaler said...

I assume that your Cipo cake recipe calls for the use of Chamois butt'er?

With the ascension of cyclocross as the velomode du jour, are we finally over that singlespeed/29er/singlespeed 29er thing?

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

Blackfulness!

What a savoury word!

Commiecanuk said...

Anonymous said...

Cameron, if you have to be told what is wrong with a sleeveless jersey,then you must live in a trailer park.


Yep. Sleeves er just more fabric to git beer stains on, and ya can work up a real sweat beatin' on the little woman.

Cottered Crank said...

Sleveless jerseys are *so* 2006. Everyone has figured out by now that you can't cram nearly as many corporate logos on with the sleeves missing. Granted, it took some of us longer than others, but we got there.

OpenYourEyes said...

National Bike Month is clearly a reaction to our efforts to secede from the Union. Let's not be fooled by this sneeky underhanded attempt to distract us from our bigger goal!
Remember, just like before the night of the long knives it was necessary to find out the true adherents to Nazism. Now, some Anti-cycling Agency might be using NBM to find out who's allegiance lies with the separatists' cyclists.

So, have fun on a tall bike or in your spandex at your staff meeting- but DON'T LOOSE YOUR HEADS PEOPLE! We have to be smart about this...

Viva La Resistance!

eth4n0l said...

Crits are fun for spectators to watch. Around here, the local race is a 1/2-mile crit where the spectators can pretty much see everything.

Cameron said...

Sleeves are to be sported in the spring and fall and on 40mile weekday rides. Sleeveless are for Century rides and any rides in June thru August lasting more than 2 hours.

Sleeves can be sported on long rides throughout the summer, but a sleeveless tan must have been established prior to ride.

The above is an excerpt from: Cameron's Unpopular Guide To Bicycling Attire

overtorqued_nut said...

Oh commiecanuk, it sounds like bike month is much more fun in Canada (The ice box to the US refrigerator)!

Anonymous said...

Regarding the "cyclocross" picture:

Is the sleeveless guy carrying a hybrid?

AH said...

Sorry Cameron, but in a sleeveless jersey you are one step away from this

or this

Cottered Crank said...

That picture must have been taken before the UCI outlawed hybrids. But then the sleeveless jersey...Hmmm.

Judi said...

Ah - the 2cd pic made me laugh so hard. Thanks for posting that.

BSNY - great post. Unicycles are BAD. I'll just say that.

Splic said...

Those damn fairies. Has that term been coined yet?

Gary said...

Has anyone done the bike to shea ride? I know its may 10th this year but the Dot website says it starts in manhattan and the bike month site says brooklyn. Anyone know the route? Also is the bike parking safe? thanks for any info.

Cameron said...

ah,

As cyclists, we are all a razors edge from the rediculous, and the further we perceive ourself from that edge, the closer we are to falling off.

One must choose his/her battles, and if my sleeveless habit is as close to ridiculous as I get(and I doubt it is), I'm OK with that.

bikesgonewild said...

...national bike month is an insidious plot, fueled & fomented by the big money automobile & petroleum industries...
...the consensus is "have your pissant 'bike' month, you noncontributing whiny little snivelers...you put nothing in our coffers, so we'll gladly take the other 11 months & call them our own"...

...this was directly inspired & detailed by a secret government agency in collusion w/ big american business...

...i have to go now...i think they're getting closer & i need to make a new tin-foil hat...enjoy yer day...

mr.complaint said...

I am really really looking forward to the fall when all the freshmen go back to college or move to florida.

Ahh, winter is the most beautiful time to ride.

Jimbo said...

As cyclists, we are all a razors edge from the rediculous, and the further we perceive ourself from that edge, the closer we are to falling off.

Amen Cameron. We may carve your words at the base of the "Snob-ument", the Statue-of-Liberty equivalent in the future cyclist-only nation of Long Island. Wiser words have never been written here, or at least not misspelled quite the same... But still, the sleeveless jersey thing is kinda whiskey-tango...

Paradise said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cameron said...

Jimbo,

I where sleveless jerseies cuz I live in a trailor, cut me sum slack on the schpelling wood ya!

Anonymous said...

what are we getting at here, ok we have sea otter/earth day/420 all in
one weekend?

Anonymous said...

Hello

April 18, 2008 12:48 PM

Thanks for not always going for glory. u touched me!

bikesgonewild said...

...re: paradise 5:14pm...
"this post has been removed by the author...

...best comment ever !!!...

Anonymous said...

Cameron your gay

Anonymous said...

While it's true that the streets were infested with fairweather knuckleheads today, the fact that the sidewalks were equally packed with beautiful women sporting their scanty sunny-day outfits more than made up for any annoyance caused thereby.

Cottered Crank said...

What would happen if one were to wear a sleeveless jersey and a helmet mirror at the same time? Would there be some kind of antimatter asplosion, or would the perpetrator merely be pelted with sigg bottles and gu packets simultaneously?

Anonymous said...

Hey "OpenYourEyes,"
Your attempt at comedy with Nazism & the destruction of people is not funny.

Open your eyes and go away.

Anonymous said...

sleevless jersey guy on the hybrid is by far the most hardcore cross racer ever, nice dry grass path and all. Scott, if that is cross then this is mountain biking
http://www.pyhrn-priel.net/urlaub/assets/images/Familie_beim_Mountainbiken.jpg

rusty said...

anon 5:54

"You're" is the proper contraction for "you are". "Your" is a possessive adjective. Nice try though.

Oh wait. You weren't trying to look smart were you?

Anonymous said...

at the risk of receiving a lot of snarky condescension, "fawn legged"??? wtf does that mean.
is it the color of their legs? after a winter of convalescence legs are usually more of nice transparent alabaster rather than a... oh wait, i just got it.
"welcome to narnia. i'm mr. tumnas."
"hey gimme back my sock you half goat bastard!"

Anonymous said...

no, then again, that's "faun" by my dictionary.
i still don't get it.

Anonymous said...

Rusty, your new around here, huh?
Anon 5:54

AH said...

Cottered crank: I've seen that guy. Alas, no implosion a la matter-antimatter meeting.

Cameron, Jimbo: Sleeves or no, my neighbors relish in critiquing my cycling attire as I depart and return from rides. There is nothing more demeaning to be spoken to a grown man than "Oh, you look so cute in your little outfit." To the layperson we "all look the same."

Finally, there is a time and place for sleeveless jerseys: And that is RAGBRAI in 1989.

Anonymous said...

No sleeveless jerseys? Then where are you gonna get your tickets to the gun show?
Jeeeeaahhhh....

Bluenoser said...

Just a Chip off the old cake hey Snob??

-B

Anonymous said...

Founder, the word is founder. As in a ship swamped and in the verge of sinking; not steerable

Flounder is a fish and has no connection to founder

dopepedaler said...

Actually, either one will work. Flounder is also an alteration of founder. The intransitive verb definition of flounder is to proceed or act clumsily or ineffectually, to struggle to move or obtain footing : thrash about wildly.

Anonymous said...

Last!

leroy said...

Nope. I'm last!

Scuse me while I find my list of people to thank.

Dang, things get lost so easily in these baggy jerseys.

gary said...

Tom cruise is probably the most adventurous hollywood actor alive. reminds me alittle of Steve McQueen with all the bikes and cars. Must be nice to be able to spend £50,000 pounds on a custom built 170mph motorbike and not have to worry about the cost. one thing is for sure, I bet the bike insurance will be pretty hefty on his new machine. he must be obsessed with bikes, he already owns more than a dozen of them.

Caltech Rideshare said...

Hello I am the transportation coordinator at Caltech in Pasadena getting ready for Annual Bike to Work Day to save some money I wanted to bake my own cupcakes looking for a decoration bike related for the cupcakes

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