Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Potential Dignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Parking Lots

A popular local non-cycling publication called The New York Times is reporting that the 34th Street Partnership is attempting to create a bike parking lot in midtown Manhattan, which they want to make “the premier bike parking facility in the country.” (Of course, I didn’t know about the article until it was read to me by the Canadian anchorman on NY1. If you don’t have cable or don’t live in New York City, every morning a Canadian reads the newspaper out loud to us on TV, complete with accent. Seriously.) Such a lot already exists in Chicago, which would make this concept that city's second-greatest cultural export after Pizzeria Uno. Proponents of the lot cite the fact that secure bicycle parking will encourage more people to commute by bike. While that would be nice, I think that’s short-sighted. In fact, the long-term benefits for cycling are almost immeasurable. Here are just a few:


Fantastic Sponsorship Opportunity

According to the article, all they need to make this parking lot a reality is “a corporation willing to pay as much as $200,000 a year to sponsor the idea.” Big American bike companies easily spend that much putting their misshapen lumps of plastic under the lycra-clad posteriors of professional European cyclists with penchants for house music and ungodly faux-hawks. Certainly at least one of these companies might consider instead using that money to sponsor a parking garage, which would in turn help them put their cheaper misshapen lumps of Taiwanese aluminum under the Docker-clad posteriors of America’s commuters.


New Subculture Potential

Let’s face it—the messenger subculture is largely responsible for many of the trendiest aspects of urban cycling today, and it has dictated the bike choice, bag choice, clothing choice, and lock choice of an entire generation of riders. But with the Apocalypse looming and the whole thing getting a little tired, it’s inevitable that a new subculture will arise to supplant it. But what will that be? Frankly, I’m not sure that subculture exists--yet. Tall bikes, tandems, and recumbents are all too unwieldy, and it’s very difficult to picture the forces of gentrification emulating food delivery people. (Unless thermal food containers become the new messenger bag.) However, if these parking garages employ bike valets, this could give birth to a new segment of the service industry that is ripe for appropriation. Bike valets will be fleet of foot as well as swift on the bike, and their wardrobe will be just the right combination of functional, durable, and irreverent. Furthermore, just as alleycats are designed to replicate the working conditions of the messenger, "valetcats" (in which participants are handed tickets and must quickly find and return with a bike) will evoke all the excitement, risk and glamor of working in a bicycle parking garage. Indeed, handlebar tags are sure to become the new spoke card.


Life Imitating Art

Another upside of having valets is the potential for reenactment of the garage scene from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” only with bicycles. Just imagine the potential for comedy when a truant teenager must reluctantly hand over his father’s vintage De Rosa to a salivating attendant. He’ll be pedaling frantically on the rollers later that day with the front wheel on backwards, wondering why the excess mileage isn’t coming off the handlebar-mounted computer.


Art Imitating Life Imitating Art

We’ve all been waiting for it, and now it can finally happen. That’s right: “Quicksilver II.” Having regained his fortune, Kevin Bacon (with the help of Paul Rodriguez and Jamie Gertz) opens a chain of bicycle parking garages. However, a cadre of drug smugglers is using the oversized downtubes and bottom bracket shells of today’s carbon fiber and aluminum bikes to move vast quantities of heroin and cocaine through the city, and they’re attempting to wrest the garage chain away from our protagonists as it is vital to their operation. You’ll thrill to high-speed bike chase after high-speed bike chase, and you’ll cry as Tiny (Louie Anderson) is shot to death in a gruesome ride-by shooting, but in the end you can count on Bacon and his pals to triumph.


Elevation of Cycling Culture in General

A number of people have pointed out that fixed-gear freestyling has a lot in common with artistic cycling. (Slightly fewer people have pointed out that it also has some things in common with autistic cycling.) In fact, most bar-spinning, stem-humping, leg-over-the-bars-like-an-elephant-trunk tricksters are essentially bicycling Barishnykovs and are little more than a sequined tutu away (if that) from being bike ballerinas. Certainly then we’re at most a decade away from fully choreographed displays of artistic cycling at Lincoln Center, and we can look forward to a time when the cultural elite of this city leave their rides with the bike valet so they can go and enjoy the bike ballet.

95 comments:

Anonymous said...

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

JohnHat said...

First Comment.... what an honor

JohnHat said...

Don't I look stupid now

Anonymous said...

20 minutes have passed since posting and I was the 1st comment...?

I think the "Commentdex" has crashed!

1st is boring...just like this post.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to vote Hillary for 2008!

GhostRider said...

Valetcats...ha ha, that is priceless! You really might be onto something, Snobby -- really got your finger on the cycling pulse!

eroc said...

top 10 i hope my bike does not get stolen at a bike garage seems like a really east place to pick up a fixie, just walk in and look for a bike nicer than yours with the same pedal choice.

Ka_Jun said...

Bueller....nice.

Anonymous said...

#9!!!

I'm an idiot!

Perhaps a Parrot said...

I love that all those hipsters who think it's cool to do tricks on fixed-gear freestylers are completely shown up by a bunch of homely german women. Those artistic cyclists do MUCH cooler tricks than I've ever seen a hipster do.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9026838489904472871&q=artistic+cycling&total=2518&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=1

Jim said...

A bike garage in Manhattan? Please. It'll be $18 for the first hour, and if your bike gets parked in behind a couple recumbents, it'll be stuck there over the weekend. Not to mention all the gum on the floor, getting your bike keyed, and that hideous smell in the corners. Unlike regular garages in NY, it won't stink of hobo urine, rat and pigeon dung, but of Cytomax, VO2 interval sweat, and Paoli Bettini's leg shavin's.

Dis.....gusting.

BuddhaDave said...

Valetcats, rofl. Very nice. I wouldn't be surprised if you started seeing YouTube videos of these things in the next month or so.

jimmy wilson said...

All the street signs and racks are full? Cycling must be really blowin up in NYC.

openyoureyes (if you still have them) said...

Damn you to hell BSNYC!

From this moment forward, if you are going to post spoilers in your blog, tell us in advance! I have been waiting for 22 years for Quicksilver II and now you have blown it for all of us! I don't pay $39.99 per month for broadband so I can be kicked in the nuts by your thoughtless, elitist, in-the-know chatter regarding what is certainly "the most eagerly anticipated sequel ever to grace the silver screen" (Roger Ebert).

And, Sir, now that I have seen Bach on Bicycle, or whatever that abomination was, I am going to Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy two grapefruit spoons to use on my own eyeballs. That was as bad as reading ...one...of...bikesgonewild...posts
..maybe...even...dare...I...say
...worse...???

Anonymous said...

A bike garage on 34th street doesn't help the 95% of NYC commuters who don't work within 4-5 blocks of it. How about funding locking bike storage boxes in existing garages all over the city? You can park 20 bikes in the space of one car. If that car would pay 20 bucks a day for the spot, charge the bikes $2, and you come out ahead. I'd pay $2 a day to safely park my bike in a fully enclosed locker in a garage with an attendant. Beats $4 a day to take the subway.

Better yet, use the power of government to make every garage in the city offer free bike storage lockers...

clayton said...

wonder what security will be like in this place.

clayton said...

wonder what security will be like in this place.

Anonymous said...

I hate to be the one to tell you but Hillary is a guy, a guy without a crank.

Dingbat said...

"Such a lot already exists in Chicago, which would make this concept that city's second-greatest cultural export after Pizzeria Uno."

What about the Blackstone Rangers? Where do they fit in? Not to mention Schwinn Varsities and Continentals, providing the yielding and innocent flesh for countless fixed, tall, and fixed-tall bikes.

Karl Rover said...

Why would the parking lot be built at 34th in Midtown? Is this "ground zero" for bike commuters in NYC?

Strayhorn said...

You guys have a Canadian who reads you the paper on-air? Man, suddenly living in the country has lost some of its appeal.

However, if offered a similar service, I'd like to vote that our local newsreader be Brazilian because everyone I've met from that country has been hot.

clayton said...

god yes. brazillian women are a blessing.

Judi said...

A bike garage? I'd never ever use it. But I wish my city was more bike friendly!

Sheriff John Bunnell said...

DO YOU SMOKE MARIJUANA BEFORE WRITING THESE RAMBLINGS? SOMETHING SMELLS FUNNY.

Anonymous said...

So the lot is just going to have bike racks? Really? I've never biked in NYC but I have to imagine it's similar to biking in Cleveland except the rude morons pay more for rent and feel the world owes them more.

From the stories I've read about bike theft in NYC I'd think they would use something like Bike Guard Lockers instead. I know if I was paying to park my bike I'd prefer it to be a little more secure and maybe out of the elements.

I garage park my car at work so that I don't have to clear snow from it, I'd prefer to not have a wet saddle when I retrieve my bike from the lot.

Sprocketboy said...

I am still trying to comprehend why someone would want to listen to a commentator, even one with the dulcet mid-Atlantic tones of a Canadian, read a newspaper aloud. Does he read the cartoons out too? "Now Nancy says, now Sluggo says..." New York: what an amazing place. I thought that the restaurant that sells nothing but rice pudding there was the ultimate, but apparently not.

On the subject of bike parking lots, I have gone to the one in Chicago which is right in Millenium Park. It has parking, showers, a mechanic, bike rentals--where I borrowed a yellow bicycle made by the Great Trek Bicycle Building Corporation--and even a hip cafe where you can sit outdoors and enjoy your espresso as the delicate crema is blown off by the wind from Lake Michigan. America needs more of these so good luck New York!

Sprocketboy said...

In case you want to eat rice pudding in New York:

http://www.ricetoriches.com/frameset.php?content=/startpage.php

sh said...

it’s very difficult to picture the forces of gentrification emulating food delivery people.

ah, to dream....

mm said...

YESSS, Quicksilver II sounds amazing! Ahahahaha!

BicyclesOnly said...

34th St. is just one location, but it's certainly in the Central Business District. I often take business trips on Amtrak. I like to bike down to Penn Station but there's not a single bike rack along the entire perimeter of the station. So this facility would fulfill a need of mine, perhaps of others.

But I don't see the single-speed/fixie apocalypse as imminent. In fact, it seems to be just catching on over on Park Avenue:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bicyclesonly/2194539717/

DrGelato said...

Yes it's true, there is a ridiculous rice pudding parlor on Spring St in Manhattan and anyone who frequents it is either a country fried rube who can't believe there's a place that only sells rice pudding, or has serious food issues and should seek a 12 Step program for fat people (I believe it's called OA)...but on a positive note Rice to Riches is almost certainly money laundering front for Chinese mafia.

Of course the sad part is that Spring and Mulberry is historically the territory of the Italian mafia, but they , like everyone else in lower Manhattan have been forced out by douche bags from Connecticut with pleated khaki's and reflective velcro ankle restraints to protect their "work pants" while they ride to the new 34th St bicycle parking lot on their dedicated commuter bikes.

Heckler said...

"Indeed, handlebar tags are sure to become the new spoke card."
Another marketing vector for BSNYC? Pre-made tags w/ the logo?

Polygraf said...

What would a job interview for a Bike Valet be like, is it "experience a plus or not necessary" will train deals. Can I list my bikes on my resume?
Union, benefits, drug testing, I need more info before I quit my job, thanks for the lead.

M. Weed said...

VALETCAT, incredible!

Anonymous said...

I hired a Canadian as my personal ball-washer. Handy people, those Canadians.

Sprocketboy said...

Polygraf, if there is drug testing required does that mean you have to have done drugs to get the bike parking job?

In Japan I understand that the parking in those huge lots is all automated so maybe a job putting the bikes in or taking them out is not all that it is cracked up to be. Unless you can purloin a plaid top tube cover!

Anonymous said...

This is just running a test flag up the pole to gauge public opinion. When done, it will be a project selling condo bike storage spaces for $12,000, plus a monthly fee for concierge service.

Prolly said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwexQZdrFmM

BikeSnobNYC said...

Prolly,

There's little I wouldn't give to see those monkeys band together and bludgeon that ringmistress with tiny little U-locks.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:01 - I'm only interested if it also includes frequent and regular rides by the valet at or above 30 MPH so when I have "average speed" displayed on my computer it looks like I actually belong on a $10k frame.

Hey, It New Yorkers, it's a fashion accessory, they don't actually want to ride it with you two-wheeled trolls. They just want to brag about their Louis Vuitton bar tape.

meenamade said...

the new revolution? SEGWAYS!!! i said it first!

http://www.skynoise.net/images/lobsterblank.jpg

Bluenoser said...

You should hear CBC Radio Overnight BSNYC. No matter where in the world it is coming from, they always sound Austrailian.

-B

nolucker said...

This is SERIOUS-- The only solution that will work in NYC is if commercial buildings are forced to allow bikes inside and provide secure indoor parking. Period.

bikesgonewild said...

...openyoureyes (if you still have them)...i hope you have those grapefruit spoons handy cuz that 'bach on bicycle' ballet you so cherished, reminded me of my pre-ride stretching routine...'course my tutu is black & studded, not pink, cuz i'm nasty that way...

...now enjoy yer day, if you can...

gttim said...

Valetcats - In which participants are handed tickets and must quickly find and return with a bike!

Oh man, I am picturing little hipsters running around trying to find the right bike and then crashing into each other trying to un-park 5 bikes the fastest! Of course, there will be one hipster following them around with a helmet mounted camera filing it for the DVD and YouTube!

leroy said...

Prolly -- after clicking on your link I now feel the same way about Santana as Alex felt about Beethoven after the Ludovico Technique in A Clockwork Orange.

And then that image of bikesgonewild's pre-ride stretch routine....

The horror, the horror....

erik k said...

Apoca Watch update:

Cannondale releases bike with top top tube cover.

"Finishing the package are specially produced brown Vredestein tyres and the RAW denim top and seat tube cover. A further exclusive offering with every bike is a unique RAW CANNONDALE jacket."

leroy said...

BSNYC --

Good for you sticking up for those monkeys!

They may be riding fixed gear bikes, without brakes or helmets, and wearing funny outfits, but they still have their dignity.

This ought to silence those folks who say you are too quick to criticize the fixed gear crowd.

Anonymous said...

What are you going to write about when the apocolypse in fact comes?

Strayhorn said...

erik k

Man, that was possibly the most embarrassing thing I've read in a while. I don't know what caused me more grief: the misspellings, the poor grammar, or the phrase "cult apparel designer."

clayton said...

strayhorn, could the grammar errors and misspellings be a calculated effort to emulate the target market?

remember "fukkking" from earlier this week?

Anonymous said...

I'd hire a Canadian just to learn words like "bunny hug," but they don't want our money anymore.

DrCodfish said...

Excellent! A funny post without one reference to Craigs List!

Yr Pal, Dr C

Commiecanuk said...

Canadian accent? What the hell are you guys talking aboot?

Commiecanuk said...

Thanks to the dollar, we hired some American gardeners last month. They are soo cute with their little kahki dockers and white tennis shoes, which I understand is the national dress in their country. The language and culture barrier and has been a bit rough, as we don't have "restrooms", but only shit closets. They always seem to be shooting each other, and when you give them a band-aid for a blister, they somehow feel compelled to pay you $2800 and insist on a MRI.

mr.complaint said...

I am looking forward to the outdoor showers at this bycleyard. But why would I then want to walk to work?

As for the bike ballet, I had to leave the Theater early.

Vernie Kaufman was a true poet:

http://tinyurl.com/2we7k8

erik k said...

more news out of england:

In London they are apparently building bike stations.

"A chain of cycle "stations" - each with secure bike parking as well as shower and changing facilities - could appear across London."

Bluenoser said...

Anonymous 1:58, did you hire the Can. because as usual you didn't know where your ball are??

Just trying to be handy.

Or as we say here with our accent.

Arsehole.

Bluenoser said...

Oh yes, enjoy your resession.

Want some oil?

Water?

eh?

Mountie said...

Canada, America's Hat

clayton said...

oh man. if canada is america's hat, that means mexico is america's pants. and those are some slim, tapered pants.

is america a hipster?

DenvrBikeChik said...

Autistic cycling.. would that include freestyling repetition of the 1972 Greater Manhattan phone pages 357-421?

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to vote XXXXXHillaryXXXXX OBAMA for 2008!

January 17, 2008 12:10 PM

Nick said...

"All the street signs and racks are full? Cycling must be really blowin up in NYC."

If you tried to lock any bicycle up in NYC for the day it'd most likely be gone before the day was over.

That's one of many reason I left.

Nick

Matt in Seattle said...

The creation of a new subculture? valetcats? Love it!

Nick said...

"Thanks to the dollar, we hired some American gardeners last month. They are soo cute with their little kahki dockers and white tennis shoes, which I understand is the national dress in their country. The language and culture barrier and has been a bit rough, as we don't have "restrooms", but only shit closets. They always seem to be shooting each other, and when you give them a band-aid for a blister, they somehow feel compelled to pay you $2800 and insist on a MRI."

Out-freakin'-standing.

Anonymous said...

"A number of people have pointed out that fixed-gear freestyling has a lot in common with artistic cycling. (Slightly fewer people have pointed out that it also has some things in common with autistic cycling.)"

Do you even know any thing about autism you fucking idiot? If you did you would realize your comment makes no sense what so ever.
Even when people use 'gay' or 'retard' as an insult it adds up to a kind of logic. Twisted and bigoted though it may be.
But your autism slur is just meaningless. Given that you have made no use of non sequitur humor in previous blog entries to date (which is the only way you could pass the comment off) I can only assume that this meaningless slur has arisen from a misguided attempt at comparative humor. Do some research. Just because 'Artistic' sounds similar to 'Autistic' doesn't make it clever writing to compare the two.

405 Boneshakers said...

Anonymous posted:
WALL OF TEXT
WALL OF TEXT
WAAAAH MY AUTISM
WALL OF TEXT


You're not helping your autism anti-defamation (and prime numbers) cause by boring us all to death, rainman.

Autism apologists are the worst.

mountie said...

Clayton, nice!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 7:28pm,

I won't deny that the fact the words are almost homononymous was part of my reason for making an admittedly broad joke. However, autism can also involve repetitive behavior, in particular "restricted behavior" which "is limited in focus, interest, or activity, such as preoccupation with a single television program." This is from no less a source than Wikipedia, which we all know is never, ever wrong. And I don't think it's a stretch to say that some fixed-gear freestylers engage in "restricted behavior" in that they only ride one type of bicycle, and they do so in tiny circles. Just replace "television program" with "bicycle."

Sorry if you were offended. That was not my attention. I hope you continue to read the blog, though I certainly understand if you decide to seek less controversial entertainment elsewhere.

--BSNYC

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 7:28pm,

That should have been "intention," not "attention." I guess I am a "fucking idiot."

Ride safe and read safer,

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

bravo, bsnyc, as always, done with class and irrepressible humor!

erik k said...

well bike snob if you are, your still one hell of a funny "fuckin idiot!"

liz said...

I use the bike garage in Chicago everyday, specifically the free parking on the lower level. The worst part is the bike rentals to the toursits and the "hip cafe". Also, regarding corporate sponsorship, it's ironically the McDonald's Bike Garage at Millenium Park...which almost caused me to stop parking there.

Anonymous said...

bikesgonewild, why the hell do you post here EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY SON? Jesus. Give rest.

bikesgonewild said...

...dr. phil, you really fucked up the brittany spears thingy, so don't bother getting into this little anger transference yer working on...

...I post here every day, dr. phil, because I enjoy it whereas YOU seem to enjoy trying to control situations you'll never have control over...

...back to med school, doc, cuz it doesn't take a brilliant mind or any form of deep intelligence to realize your soapbox is all wishy-washy...

...but hey, have a really pleasant evening...

Anonymous said...

Looks like I'll be saving my pennies for that phat dope uber-hip Raw Cannondale at £1,449. Then I'll only be outclassed by the cops on segways in Prospect Park. Man, I can't wait for warm weather to roll around so I can see that stupendous waste of taxpayer money again.

leroy said...

Bikesgonewild --

A solid explanation for posting.

As for me, I post because I got an email saying if I did, Bill Gates would buy me a computer.


Anon 11:32 --

Cops on Segways in Prospect Park? Really? I must have missed that.
Where do they put the flashing lights?

Anonymous said...

I figure...Bikesgonewild...must have...emphysema...

bikesgonewild said...

...close, anon 1:51 am...i ride an iron lung equipped w/ aerospoke wheels & i'm no fixed gear hipster...that bitch is heavy, so i use gears...

...leroy, my friend, billy gates will be at your door w/ that new 'puter about the same time ed mcmahon shows up w/ my 'clearinghouse sweepstakes' check...

...can't wait...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 7:28pm,

I won't deny that the fact the words are almost homononymous was part of my reason for making an admittedly broad joke. However, autism can also involve repetitive behavior, in particular "restricted behavior" which "is limited in focus, interest, or activity, such as preoccupation with a single television program." This is from no less a source than Wikipedia, which we all know is never, ever wrong. And I don't think it's a stretch to say that some fixed-gear freestylers engage in "restricted behavior" in that they only ride one type of bicycle, and they do so in tiny circles. Just replace "television program" with "bicycle."

Sorry if you were offended. That was not my attention. I hope you continue to read the blog, though I certainly understand if you decide to seek less controversial entertainment elsewhere.

--BSNYC

It wasn't the controversy nor the slur that bothered me. It was how little you know about autism. I love a good dose of insulting humor provided it makes sense. (You probably think schizophrenics have split personalities)
I'll admit the joke makes some sense when taken in relation to the Wikipedia article. Its just to bad the Wikipedia article gets it wrong.
You can insult people with autism for the sake of humor till you're blue in the face. Just try to understand what your talking about before you write it.

Jacob said...

"...and it’s very difficult to picture the forces of gentrification emulating food delivery people."

sorry snob, too late:
http://lemolobags.wordpress.com/basket-bags/

The Car Whisperer said...

The Chicago Bike Lot is in fact sponsered by no less than McDonalds. But I suppose it's better than Exxon-Mobile. Still a good idea, nonetheless...but when I first heard they were putting in PUBLIC SHOWERS I thought, "now here's a Nightly Local News expose waiting to happen".

Jim said...

CommieCanuck, what are you, Dr. Evil to Sprocketboy's Austin Powers?

bike said...

Why are you such an angry jackass?

Anonymous said...

Mountie said...

Canada, America's Hat

Homer Said...

Florida, America's wang.

Canada, or America Jr.

Commiecanuk said...

Jim said...

CommieCanuck, what are you, Dr. Evil to Sprocketboy's Austin Powers?


Oh for sure. My evil lair is a large igloo where we watch Buffalo TV news read my Americans. We just renovated the shit closet, you should come up sometime.

I don't think Sprocketboy is aware that most evening newscasters are in fact, closet Canadians. My activist group CUNTs (Canadians United as National Treasures)is working on outing these people to encourage Canadian pride. We are planning a parade in July in Greenwich, were we strip down to our Hudson's Bay Company speedos and chant, "we're here, not contrite, we're polite, get used to it, please."

clayton said...

i've worked with autistic school children for years and i thought the joke was pretty funny. not his best, but funny. i pictured one of the kids i've worked with and what his self-designed fixed gear would look like. probably not all that different fom some of the color coordinated messes i see every day when passing through williamsburg.

cogxxxtreme said...

Autistic cycling, that is funny shit, and you made sense of it. dude cant handle it, he better saddle it, up and ride, someplace else, but props for rep'n how he felt,

Now for,
Local news Expose on hip hop lobster blog posted by cog:

Sometimes Cog gets so into his shit, he ends up with it, so to make up for it, the 2 part shit, while not bad, but it aint the best shit he had, so he give ya one better. yes on the date one and one eight, he made a late update! hit ya again with another new jam.

Dan said...

I actually ran a bike parking facility here in San Francisco for a year and can tell you a few things about it.

Bike lockers are no good in big cities, the powers that be are worried about bums sleeping in them or terrorists planting bombs in them.

SF now has TWO bike lots, one in the subway and one at the commuter rail station.

A good portion of the people that used my station were poor. They actually had to ride and often couldn't afford a decent bike lock.

Anonymous said...

the lots will be another sprawl of urban waste when the fixed gears are garaged and the cycling hats boxed for iShoes and pocket protectors.

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