Thursday, August 16, 2007

Fixedgeargallery: Veloliloquy

Browsing Fixedgeargallery, I was particularly moved by the dramatic staging of this bike. If you're an aspiring actor, consider reading this at your next audition:


[We open in darkness. Suddenly, a spotlight clicks on, illuminating RANDY, a converted Centurion fixed gear bicycle, leaning jauntily against a wall, smoking.]

RANDY: [Gruffly] What are you looking at? [Pause—then drops cigarette, crushes it with his front wheel, and rolls to center state.] I said, what are you looking at?

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, [in a mocking tone] Here’s another fixed-gear conversion with all the standard trimmings—the white Velocitys, the Oury grips, the riser bars, and the Brooks. You’re probably also thinking, How does that thing stop with no brakes and platform pedals? It must not go very fast.

Ha, ha, ha. Real goddamn original.

[Lifts pedal and takes a drink from the glass of water under his left pedal. Puts glass back on stage and lights another cigarette, exhaling a plume of smoke into the spotlight’s beam.]

You know what Jesus said? Besides “Peter, I can see your house from up here,” and “What, you’re going to arrest me, here, at my own seder?!?” He said, “Judge not lest you be judged.” Think about that, douchebag.

[Takes another pull on cigarette.]

You know where I’m from? Ontario, California. You know where that is? Neither do I. But I know this. Before I got pulled off the scrap heap and powdercoated, a good day was being locked to a pole outside of a bar for six hours by my old owner while dogs pissed on my bottom bracket. Then, after last call, he would come stumbling out and ride me home. If we were lucky we’d only crash once. Then he’d bring me inside, beat me up, and make me watch taped episodes of “Dynasty” with him until he passed out on the couch. Eventually he’d wake up to vomit, down a nightcap (usually a mouthwash cap full of isopropyl if he had worked that week and there was money), and then throw me out the window before going to bed. This continued until he pawned me to buy a used sleeping bag, a can opener, and eight bottles of Robitussin.

I’m not some pampered Marinoni from Brooklyn with perfect teeth, intentionally mixmatched grips, and a stripey saddle who gets ridden to trendy bars and gets to wait inside loft apartments while my owner tries to score with chicks in studded leather belts and Chrissy Hynde haircuts. (By the way, pretty boy, you’re missing your right crank bolt dustcap.)

I’m not some Pacific Northwest latte-slurping trendoid who gets straddled every night by someone with skin-tight capris, an artificially distressed t-shirt, a liberal arts education, lofty musical ambitions, and a guitar he can’t play.

And I’m definitely not some pervert with a freaking dildo stuck through his stem.

What I am is damaged goods. I'm a bike who didn't know what it was like to have more than 30psi of air in my tires, or what it felt like to have lube in my chain, until my new owner came along and gave me back some dignity. Yeah, sure, once in awhile my old owner would eat a can of sardines and pour the oil on my chain, but it's just not the same, you know?
My new owner cared enough to clean me up, put some new clothes on me, and love me for who I am. And one day, with a little help, I might learn to love myself again too. Thank you, and screw off.

[Lights out, curtains.]

43 comments:

Jim said...

>>>And one day, with a little help, I might learn to love myself again too.

Shouldn't be necessary. Somebody involved in that Centurion project seems to have the self-love thing down pat.

Prolly said...

You didn't like my Marinoni? I'm shocked. I almost threw on track bars with tape just so you'd spare me.

I've had it for 2 weeks and already logged about 250 miles on it.

This beast gets ridden hard and will be my noble steed for the century, dustcaps [missing both] or not.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Prolly,

Randy is a fictional character and the opinions expressed in his soliloquy are not necessarily mine.

--BSNYC

Prolly said...

hahaha I love it. Keep it coming. To be honest, I was kinda hoping you'd harp on it. You missed my KHS a while back.

Unregistered Coward said...

Sounds like he's the Denis Leary of the bicycle world, or would be with a little more foul language.

ivanka go bushwick said...

that KHS was too ugly for comment.

Anonymous said...

Ok, about the Marinoni, how about selling the Record headset, buying a Chorus headset, and using the remainder to replace that Kalloy seatpost? It's just a stain on that thing, really.

About latte lovers, yeah, they're everywhere out here (Seattle) and they're normally annoying little hipster pricks who can't ride but still chide. However, the guy with the pink aerospoke is Sharkey, he's been a messenger for over 10 years in cities on the East and West coast. He's a badass and it's a bummer that he was in the link. The rest of those bikes most likely belong to choads though, good looking out.

Cheers!

Matt in Seattle

John said...

That Panasonic must be a joke. On top of that those photos don't show off the bike very well.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Matt,

Thanks for pointing that out. Sorry he got caught in the crossfire, but again, any generalizations about those bikes or Pacific Northwesterners in general are Randy's, and are simply the result of his hardscrabble upbringing.

--BSNYC

Prolly said...

I'm not too concerned about the Kalloy. Looking for a fluted seatpost in 250mm, which is harder to find. So for now, I'll be sticking with my bargain bin deal.

Anonymous said...

"I’m not some pampered Marinoni from Brooklyn with perfect teeth, intentionally mixmatched grips, and a stripey saddle who gets ridden to trendy bars and gets to wait inside loft apartments while my owner tries to score with chicks in studded leather belts and Chrissy Hynde haircuts. (By the way, pretty boy, you’re missing your right crank bolt dustcap.)

I’m not some Pacific Northwest latte-slurping trendoid who gets straddled every night by someone with skin-tight capris, an artificially distressed t-shirt, a liberal arts education, lofty musical ambitions, and a guitar he can’t play.
"

Holy shit. You must be an FBI profiler in your day job, right? Or mebby a marketing copywriter!
ROFLMAO!

bother yam said...

(sniff sniff)

What's that in the air?

Randy, do I smell a Tony?

Anonymous said...

From Randy's new owner on FGG:

'I wanted something a little unique. I had the bike powder coated the bike Mint green'

Um... forgive my rudeness, but mint green (or Celeste, to put it another way) isn't exactly what I would call a 'unique' color.

Taxi for Mr Bianchi!!!

bikesgonewild said...

Sir Laurence Oliver never graced the boards w/ such eloquence & presence..

...a veritable tour de farce.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Oh, by the way, thanks to SK of http://robosauce.com/ for emailing me the pervert bike.

--BSNYC

Jack Crank said...

Dustcaps on track cranks are gauche. Keep tryin' bike snob

BikeSnobNYC said...

Jack Crank,

But a negative-rise stem with riser bars is not? Just trying to learn here.

--BSNYC

wayne campbell said...

That was amazing.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll hurl!

mr.complaint said...

That's quite a location for a water bottle to be mounted. Innovative. It's nice to see that the rest of the bike is configured properly. Even the mickeyrooney and the trendoids all have horizontally mounted saddles. Impressive. And the pink one too.

I'm gonna go wash my hands now.

Anonymous said...

Chrissie Hynde-Patti Smith haircuts. Excellent!

Philip Williamson said...

I was really feelin' the love for Randy, but I scared myself by blurting out "Salsa stem?! That's not for you, bitch!"

I guess I still have some growing to do.

I'll practice my tolerance with this:
http://bp1.blogger.com/_SZx2oaxuJSA/Rdwb_QJ6dlI/AAAAAAAAAUQ/JYlrcEc0yYk/s1600-h/BBheight2.jpg

vanesserarafat said...

Your blog makes me so happy, I owe you a drink.

Anonymous said...

It's nice to know Randy still has his "brazens".

Jack Crank said...

No argument from me there. Flat stems and risers for life.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 8/17 10:10am,

That pair of cast-iron brazens is what makes Randy Randy (and randy).

--BSNYC

SKiDmark said...

The second "latte-slurping trendoid" bike is own by some messenger called Sharky. He has won a couple of those Alleycat races, I think. Those are all messenger bikes, ridden every day, all day. I didn't take any pictures of FIXTER bikes, it was cloudy that day, so they weren't out.

I made your blog, my life is complete.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Skidmark,

Cool--thanks for the post and for the insight! Randy should not be so quick to rush to judgment.

--BSNYC

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