The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Testing Locks

Remember how I mentioned I was (figuratively) sitting on a Hiplok wearable bike lock?

No?

Well I did.

Recently my baby human child has become obsessed with the Hiplok and has been using it to practice his powerlifting, so this morning I figured I should finally try the thing before he hurts himself anymore than he already has.  (I keep most of my bike stuff within easy reach of small children, it's just good parenting.)

Did I ever mention that I used to be a bike messenger here in the Big Arple?  It's true.  I've got STREET CRED, baby!  Sure, I only did it for like six months, I never really made any cool messenger friends or got to be in opening credits of a failed TV show, and I knew I could quit anytime I wanted to and get a high-paying job with my English degree from a state university (that's another way of saying "move back in with mom"), but IT STILL COUNTS DAMMIT!

Anyway, the only reason I mention this (besides trying to convince myself I was cool once) is that when I was a messenger what you did was get one of those really heavy Kryptonite chains (on account, they'd take it out of your wages) and wear it around your waist.  Then, when you got to where you were going, you whipped it off like Pootie Tang does with his belt, locked your bike, and made your delivery.

Of course nowadays you can just buy a lock that's actually designed to be worn this way (these kids today coddled millennials crass commercialization of everything back when I was your age and so forth), which allows you to look like a messenger without having to experience the sensation of a chain link digging into your hipbone or the humiliation of having to visit the firehouse because you lost your key.

All of this is to say that this morning I strapped on the Hiplok and headed downtown:

Please note that in addition to the Hiplok I'm also wearing those Outlier pants from like six years ago (credit where it's due, those things have held up, I even went mountain biking in them last week), a Giro "New Road" something-or-other jacket, and a Mission Workshop backpack, which means I was basically the Platonic ideal of the soft middle-aged dad who was a messenger for a short time like 20 years ago and can't let it go.

The same goes for my bike:

This bike suggests an older gentleman trying to pamper himself while clinging desperately to his erstwhile youth, and it's basically the equivalent of wearing ear plugs and a pair of Doc Martens with custom orthotics to a hardcore show.

Once I finished taking inventory of myself, I headed downtown.

If you recall, on Monday I mentioned "sneckdowns," which Streetsblog defines thusly:

For the uninitiated, sneckdowns are neckdowns created by driving patterns in melting snow or slush. Sneckdowns highlight excess asphalt that could be repurposed for streetscape improvements to slow motor vehicle traffic and make walking safer.

Here's the thing though: yesterday's pure white snowbank reclaiming space for pedestrians is today's filthy soot-covered shitpile waiting to take you out:

Indeed, so-called "sneckdowns" can really snuck for cyclists because of the cocksnucking motorists who don't understand the reason you're not able to let them pass is that there's too much goddamn snow in the gutter.

Another ubiquitous feature of the streetscape at this point after heavy snowfall is the ankle-deep puddle of slush, which is what many of those sneckdowns ultimately become:

Then there are the salt spreaders:

This is the closest you should get to one of these things unless you want a face full of ice-melting buckshot.

Here's a view of a side street with the George Washington Bridge subtly visible in the background:

And here's a completely un-subtle view of the Gyro Hut with its delicious shawarma right in your face:

When heading downtown from my estate I have my choice of two (2) lavish greenways, one on the west side of Manhattan and one on the east side.  However, I generally write them off after it snows because chances are they'll look like this:

Instead I stick to the streets, which are always clear, save for the odd slush pile due to the vicissitudes of plowing:

That's why you need fenders.

As for the bike lanes, you never know whether or not they'll be clear.  This one was, and I was so excited that I salmoned the shit out of it:

Hey's it's okay when I do it.

See, I used to be a bike messenger.

This bike lane however had been pretty much taken over by cars whose drivers had made half-assed attempts to park and then said, "Fuck it:"

Oh, sure, just put that anywhere:

This parking job was particularly egregious, with the car blocking the entire bike lane and a good portion of the car lane to boot:

But then I saw the NYPD safety vest on the dashboard and it all made sense:

See, all you have to do is put any piece of NYPD apparel in your windshield and you can do whatever you want.  One day I'm going to park my car across the sidewalk, put a Transportation Alternatives jersey on the dashboard, and see how far that gets me:

I suspect the police would leave it alone but it would get egged by the entire readership of Streetsblog.

At least the eggs would be organic.

And here's a Smart that's been completely plowed in, though it doesn't take much to do:

Fortunately all you have to do is lift it out.

After running the Gauntlet of Half-Assed Parking I made it to Central Park:

There's nothing quite like a leisurely spin through the park when the rest of you schmucks are working:

Once in the sanctuary of the park I was able to let my guard down a bit and take some Hiplok selfies:

It's reasonably comfortable while riding, though to the uninitiated it sort of resembles a chastity belt for Freds:

Not that they need it.

At the bottom of the park I stopped for a bit to recite the Pledge of Allegiance while saluting one of President Trump's buildings:

Then I was in midtown, where I had an opportunity to study the habits of the 21st century bike commuter:

Yes, that's an e-bike that looks like a fixie:

This made me feel just a little bit better about looking like a parody of an aging urban cyclist.

Here's someone who's learned the hard way about how quick releases work:

If you're wondering about the bread, it's because I was trying to bribe this pigeon to tell me if he'd seen anything:

If he had, he wasn't talking.

Finally, a little further downtown, it was time to lock up my own bike.  So I unfurled the Hiplok--which, as commenter ChamoisJuice pointed out, did not fare well in a test conducted back in 2013:

In the accompanying video Hal mentions the Hiplok's shackle was not hardened, though according to the specs this one is:

So maybe they've improved it since 2013, or maybe they haven't, and I guess we'll find out when I return to the bike this afternoon:

Don't worry too much about the other bike, I doubt the owner's coming back for it anytime soon.

Lead, follow, or get out of the way. On second thought, just get out of the way.

New South Wales, Australia has a rich cycling history:

(Hipster)

Though increasingly it is becoming known as the least bike-friendly (or most bike-hostile, take your pick) place on earth--a reputation that is further cemented by this article, which was written by the patriarch of what may be the most smug family on earth:

What we can't work out is why governments don't make it easier for those like us actively bringing down our carbon emissions, why there aren't incentives, even rewards for cycling commuters and travellers. In an era of unfolding climate change you'd expect that governments would be falling over backwards to support people who are actively disengaging in the economies that are most harmful.

Really, you can't understand why governments don't reward people who are "actively disengaging in the economies that are most harmful?"  The global economy is entirely based on what we can rip out of the earth.  The whole goddamn thing's harmful!  If you can't eat it, burn it, smelt it, build shit with it, or blow shit up with it, it's pretty much worthless.

If nobody's getting hurt, nobody's getting paid.

Moreover, where you lie in this chain of eating, burning, smelting, building, and killing entirely defines your value as a human being.  So expecting the government to provide you with incentives so that you can remove yourself from this chain and use fewer resources is like expecting McDonald's to give you money for not shopping in their restaurants.

Where are the public transport visionaries in government who want to create better access for car-free or car-reduced households? More bikes on our roads means less health-related costs (particularly obesity and heart disease), less wear and tear on expensive roads and infrastructure, fewer PCBs, heavy metals, dioxins and toxic detergents in our water systems, less roadkill, fewer roadside memorials, less carbon pollution, more space for those who still require the use of a car and, quite simply, happier people. It is well known that active travel, and of course exercise more generally, oxygenates the blood and releases endorphins in the body that help combat anxiety and depression. 

See above.

Yet, NSW has a transport ministry that seems ideologically opposed to such wellness and mobility. It is pulling out cycle paths and wanting to introduce punitive laws for cyclists such as the mandatory carrying of ID. This is very alarming to a family of bicyclists and public transport users from Victoria. While there is much to improve in Victoria when it comes to bicycle access, it seems positively enlightened compared to its neighbouring state. From our perspective the NSW government appears backwards and contradictory in its efforts to stifle cycling accessibility when everywhere else in the world bike culture is blossoming. Why is this? One can only think it has to do with lobbyists.

Lobbyists!  See?  Now you're getting it!  Don't feel so bad though.  Apart from the usual suspects in Europe, "bike culture" isn't blossoming at all.  In fact it may be wilting.  New York City's best days are behind it as far as developing infrastructure goes.  San Francisco's being overridden by luxury buses full of tech bros and sisses.  And Portland, once the most bike-friendly city in America, is experiencing "biking stagnation."

Don't feel bad, Portland.  You're under a lot of stress.  We can try again tomorrow.

Of course, just because a family rides bikes and is almost pathologically naive doesn't mean they deserve this sort of treatment:

From our experience, riding around the state and occasionally catching trains over the past two months has been a nightmare. We've been refused entry onto trains when it has been pouring with rain or we've been freaked out by dangerous driving and just want to rest from it. We have had our heavy bikes fall on us trying to walk them down multiple flights of stairs to get to a platform, we've been abused and had things thrown at us when the shoulder of the road we've been riding on has disappeared and we've risked venturing into a lane. To us about 60 per cent of drivers don't realise that a bicycle has an equal right to use the entire lane. It is just common courtesy and common sense that cyclists don't.

Though as far as this guy's concerned it just means he's doing his job:

In fact he's so flattered by that last paragraph he's nearly blushing.

Also, let's not forget that Australia is the country that has perfected victim blaming in the same way that Japan once perfected making reliable automobiles.  Consider this infuriating video, forwarded by a reader:

(If anything there should be laws against wearing helmets on scooters.)

It's not that we're any better at dealing with murderous drivers, it's just that we haven't yet attained that same degree of moral absolutism with regard to helmets that Australia has.

But we're getting there.

Meanwhile, one study suggests that helmets may make you stupid--or at least inspire you to take gratuitous risks, which is basically the same thing:

Walker admits to having been puzzled by the findings. “The helmet could make zero difference to the outcome, but people wearing one seemed to take more risks in what was essentially a gambling task,” he said. “Replicated in real-life settings, this could mean that people using protective equipment might take risks against which that protective equipment cannot reasonably be expected to help.”

Yes, whether it's a monarch's crown or a Fred's lump of polystyrene, people tend to make rash decisions when they're wearing hard things on their heads.  This is why you should always remove your helmet as soon as you get off your bike, let you get taken in a game of three-card Monte.

Speaking of getting off your bike, legislators in South Dakota want you to do it for every passing driver:

The certain conditions, in this case, are when a person is riding a bicycle in a no-passing zone on a roadway that has no shoulder, or a shoulder of less than three feet. In this case, the person on the bike would have to stop the bike, move off of the roadway, and allow faster vehicles to pass. Given that “faster vehicles” are going to be every single vehicle with four wheels and an engine versus two wheels and a set of pedals, this is going to result in a whole lot of pulling over and stopping for the people trying to ride bikes.

Wow.

No word on whether or not you'll also have to remove your helmet.

And from the same publication comes this "pop-up hotel room," complete with bicycle:

This may be even more stupid than the mandatory dismount bill:

Austrian design firm Juust has recently introduced the Travelbox, a portable pop-up hotel room designed for active travellers or urban dwellers who frequently switch locations. Aiming to cut down on the costs and waste associated with moving regularly, the Travelbox comes with the essential furniture for a single individual’s living needs, as well as a bike to enable transportation upon arrival.

As a city person myself I deeply resent the way that "urban dweller" has become designerspeak for "complete and utter douchebag."

The 132 pound case folds out into a bookshelf/ room divider, a table and chair which can double as a desk, a bed with a mattress and two pillows, and the bike. You can store your things, get a good night’s rest, check your email in the morning and then head out into the city on two wheels.

Eew.  If you could walk a condo like a dog this is what it would look like if you failed to pick up after it.

The Travelbox is a pretty interesting solution to a problem not common to many people, but pressing for those whose lifestyle creates it. Frequently moving, especially internationally, means frequently buying new furniture, or scrambling to find an available furnished apartment. Either option is costly and time consuming. To cut down on costs, many travellers end up simply living without furniture for longer than is comfortable or desirable.

What kind of lifestyle is that?  The only one I can think of his being homeless, which would make this the world's most fashionable refrigerator box:

Actually, it looks kind of familiar:

Remember that eerie scene where they all started touching it?

I can totally see something similar happening here, too:

It's like a remake of "2001" directed by Jonathan Adler:

Lastly, what's with Bicycling suddenly copping to stuff?  First they admit long-reach brakes are better than discs and that gravel bikes are stupid, and now they're admitting all those bike reviews are BS and your tire pressure is the most important aspect of ride quality:

The single biggest performance improvement you can make on your bike isn’t a lighter set of wheels or electronic shifting. In fact, it isn’t an upgrade at all—and it won’t cost you more than some time and, maybe, what you’d spend on a new roll of bar tape. It’s tire pressure. And if you don’t pay attention to it, yours is probably wrong. 

But...but...what about the beefy bottom brackets and the specially-shaped stays and the crabon layup and the lateral stiffness and the vertical compliance?

You mean to tell me adjusting the cushion of air I'm riding on makes more of a difference than all of those things put together?

Unbelievable.

Still, Bicycling being Bicycling, they now want you to be a complete pressure weenie and do ridiculous stuff like this:

 Step 1: Weigh yourself holding your bike and wearing your kit (including shoes),
 Step 2: Put the scale under one wheel and a block of the same height under the other. Have a friend hold you up, then read the scale.
 Step 3: Swap to the other wheel.

The total amount should match your static weight from step 1, and the weight from steps 2 and 3 give you the percent of total weight on each wheel. The bad news: I know of no scientifically backed formula for adjusting tire pressure based on weight distribution. This is an instructive test because it tells you what your weight balance is, but it won’t give you a firm equation to adjust tire pressure.

If you ever find yourself tempted to do this, just save yourself some time by having the friend in Step 2 slap you across the face instead.

Then check your tires (a quick squeeze is fine, no super-accurate gauges necessary), adjust as needed, and go for a ride.

Not sure if you heard, but it snowed here.

Well we had ourselves quite a blizzard here in New York.  It was even bigger than the Great Blizzard of Eighteen Hunnert and Eighty-Eight, which of course I remember firsthand:

When you're a grown-up blizzards are mostly just a pain in the ass, but you know who loves them?  Young children and "bros:"

It takes all kinds.... #Blizzard2016 #nyc @Gothamist @RedBeardBikes @RaphaCycleClub pic.twitter.com/Fo3MBqASzF

— Robert Mc (@mizzoudmbfan) January 23, 2016

You don't tag me in that tweet?

What am I, chopped liver?

Anyway, if you're looking for an indicator as to the severity of this past weekend's storm, consider that it was so powerful they postponed New York City's first-ever fat bike race:

DUE TO POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS CONDITIONS, THE FAT AND FROZEN FATBIKE RACE WILL BE POSTPONED UNTIL SATURDAY, JANUARY 30TH. #fatbike #fatbikes #bikes #bike #mtb #nymtb #nycmtb #adventurecycling #bkmtb #mountainbikes #mountainbike #mountainbiking #bikeshop #fatandfrozen #nyc #newyorkcity #myfavoritebikeshop #gowanus #queens #cunningham #winter #january #blizzard #class5killstorm #simpsons #kentbrockman #snowman #snow #snowstorm

A photo posted by 718 Cyclery (@718_cyclery) on Jan 22, 2016 at 9:45am PST

Yeah, that's right.  The fat bike race was closed due to...snow, which I thought was like the whole point of a fat bike in the first place:

(Not New York City.)

Of course it's tempting to relish this irony, which is why I'm doing it, but at the same time the promoters had their reasons, and there's a difference between racing through snow and racing in the middle of an historic blizzard during the period of maximum wind and snow-dumpage.  Plus, as it turned out, there was a travel ban and a transit shutdown and all the rest of it, meaning if you got there you might not be able to get back home, not to mention the fact that a New York Post headline about how a bunch of novice mountain bikers froze to death in a Queens park doesn't do anybody any good:

In other words I was glad they postponed because I'd been thinking of heading down on the Pine Mountain 1 and this saved me from having to make an excuse for looking out the window Saturday morning, mumbling "Fuck that," pulling the covers back over my head, and staying home.

Hey, we've got to give the people in Minneapolis something to feel superior about:

("Call that a blizzard?!?  I'd have raced my fat bike and then spent the afternoon on Rockaway Beach in a thong.")

Speaking of blizzards, like any formidable weather event each one brings a lesson along with it.  Consider the aforementioned Blizzard of 1888, which taught us that the city was criss-crossed with too many fucking wires:

See, back then the entire city looked like a college student's power strip, and the resulting outages and downed utility poles made people realize they had to tidy that crap up and bury those lines.

In retrospect it seems obvious.

So what's the equivalent of all those wires today?  You know, an everyday convenience that's just some foul weather away from becoming a complete disaster and an utter clusterfuck?  Something that really ought to be addressed before the next shitshow?  Well, here's a hint:

A 40-mile backup on the turnpike on Friday forced thousands of people in cars, buses and tractor-trailers to sleep on the highway. Hundreds of emergency responders and National Guard members worked from Friday to Sunday clearing snow and providing fuel, food and water to stranded people.

Yes, of course I'm talking about cars.  However, I wouldn't expect anything to change anytime soon, because there is nothing more American than driving right into an apocalyptic weather event:

Among those stranded were more than a dozen buses of Catholic high school and college students who were returning from the March for Life in Washington, an annual anti-abortion demonstration.

A stranded bus full of Catholic high school and college students on their way home from an anti-abortion demonstration?

By this time next year all the babies conceived while they were stranded on the bus will be about three months old, so hopefully they check the weather beforehand and bring plenty of diapers and bottles with them.

Meanwhile, last Friday I mentioned the shifter cable on my WorkCycles Fr8 had frozen on me, and a reader was kind enough to inform me that I'm not alone:

This experience also demonstrates something about Amsterdam cyclists: Not only do they store their bikes on the street, they also ride in ALL conditions including snow. Of course they do; How else would they get to work, take the kids to school, do the groceries and visit their friends?

Why that's a silly question.  In a car of course!  Not only are cars a symbol of Freedom™, but they're also impervious to bad weather:


Sure, when you grow up the novelty of snow mostly wears off, but I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching assholes who think they're driving the Snowpiercer getting stuck in it.

And of course nobody relishes snowstorms like the smuggies:

For the uninitiated, sneckdowns are neckdowns created by driving patterns in melting snow or slush. Sneckdowns highlight excess asphalt that could be repurposed for streetscape improvements to slow motor vehicle traffic and make walking safer.

I have mixed feelings about this.  On one hand, yes, the snow does help underscore how much public space we gratuitously allocate to cars.  Furthermore, there's nothing quite like watching idiots struggling with said cars in the snow to emphasize how pathetic our dependence on them truly is.

On the other hand, yes, the first day or two after a blizzard may indeed be a magical time when motor vehicles are immobilized and children may play freely in the streets, but if it were to go on for much longer and the Park Slope Food Co-op and the Whole Foods in Gowanus were to both run out of provisions due to impassable roads I guarantee the smuggies would be the very first people to turn on each-other and resort to cannibalism.

But sure, point taken about the "sneckdowns," which may be the only portmanteau more annoying than "brifter."

Penultimately, here's Carlos Sastre recovering from a blood transfusion:

And lastly, addled cycling commentator Phil Liggett now claims to be the Dr. Frankenstein to Lance Armstrong's Frankenstein's Monster:

Speaking directly to the New Zealand Herald, Liggett said: "I built him up. I created him into a great cyclist, and he was, even though he took drugs.

"On the other hand, I feel hurt and cheated that we made him look better than he should've and turned him into a star."

He really shouldn't blame himself.

If anything, thanks to his commentary I've slept though countless Tour de France stages.