Tour Fever: Catch It Before It Catches You!

The Tour de France:

Raise your hand if you have Tour Fever!  (If you raised your hand you don't have Tour Fever, because the first symptom of Tour Fever is an inability to lift your extremities.  So stop trying to game the system.)  As the big day approaches the news headlines are coming fast and furious, and the latest one tells us that eternally petulant rider David Millar has been left off the Garmin-Sharp Tour team because he is sick and old:

"In years past we have approached the Tour with multiple leaders, and multiple goals," team CEO Jonathan Vaughters said. "This year, we approach it with one clear leader, Andrew Talansky, and our roster is designed to give him the best support possible. We are very sorry to leave David Millar home due to illness. His experience is unparallelled and his contributions to the sport and our team are undeniable. We wish things were different for David, but as we look ahead to the Tour, we believe we have selected a strong team and we are committed to helping Andrew build on last year's success."

This has made him very upset, because naturally the Tour de France should be his own personal rolling retirement tribute:

For the record, I was going to be ready for the Tour, so sad my team didn't believe in me, after everything we've been through. Not cool.
— David Millar (@millarmind) June 30, 2014

For the record, inasmuch as he's ridden the Tour 12 times without winning it, I'd say that Garmin-Sharp do believe in him--specifically, they believe in his inability to win the Tour, which he's demonstrated time and time again.

Oh, and he's getting rid of his bike:

For Sale. Been raced, not much. Battery fully charged (I think). Good condition. Reasonable offers please. pic.twitter.com/aFuGc5P5aB
— David Millar (@millarmind) June 30, 2014

Yes, when Dave gets angry the bike is the first thing to go:



Presumably he'll get something more suited to his new status as a retiree:

C'mon Davey Baby, you know you want it.

I don't understand why Millar is so upset.  Isn't he part-owner of the team?  Why does he even want to keep riding at this point?  Does Jeff Bezos still pack up orders in the warehouse?  It's like Millar is a part-owner of a Michelin-starred restaurant, yet he's upset that they won't let him help with the food prep because he has a cold and he kind of sucks at it anyway.  So what?  Have some dignity!  Put on a nice suit, hang out in the dining room and mingle!  Why do you want to put on those stupid stretchy clothes and ride with the busboys all day anyway?

Plus, Millar's got it way better than Jonathan Vaughters, who never finished a single Tour, even with unfettered access to EPO:

In 2001 a wasp ended his Tour de France, and in 2014 he's still enduring WASP stings in the form of David Millar's testy tweets:

(I realize he's technically Scottish, but he looks pretty WASPy to me.)

In other news, did you know that 94 percent of cyclists in Oregon stop at red lights?

Nearly 94 percent of people riding bikes in Portland, Beaverton, Corvallis and Eugene stopped for red lights, a forthcoming Portland State University-based study of 2,026 intersection crossing videos has found. Of those, almost all (89 percent of the total) followed the rules perfectly, while another 4 percent entered the intersection just before the light changed to green. Only 6 percent of riders were observed heading directly through the red light.

What a bunch of woosies.

Speaking of "woosies," do you know some people don't ride bikes because they don't find them comfortable?

Well, it's true--at least according to some design douches who have just launched a Kickstarter campaign.  But not to worry, because they've got the "problem" licked:

One day it occurred to us, office chairs have evolved over time to make the user more comfortable and therefore, more productive.  As we worked on our latest project, a light bulb went off....  Why hasn't this same concept been applied to bicycles?

Yeah, those "light bulbs" keep going off, don't they?  Someone needs to go to every design douche studio in every gentrifying city in the world, unscrew all the light bulbs, wrap them in dinner napkins, and stomp the fuck out of them like glasses at a Jewish wedding, because all this redesigning-the-bike crap has got to stop.  Just because you plant your ass on something all day doesn't mean you need to apply its design to bicycles.  I spend a lot of time on the toilet but that doesn't mean I need a bike that flushes.

But hey, they're doing it to make the world a better place!

We want to get everyone riding!  To that end, we focused our efforts on understanding why people do not regularly ride bicycles and we found that comfort is one of the main reasons that keep people from riding more often. 

Not everyone should be riding bikes, and if you can't get comfortable on one of the many, many, many types of bicycles already out there then you might be one of these people.  So what?  Walk.  Ride the subway.  Take the bus.  Lease a fucking Hyundai for all I care!  As long as you drive it responsibly and don't run me over I'm completely fine with it.

Instead, we get this:


Get a load of this crabon piece of crap:

Nice job.  It's a Serotta Size Cycle you actually ride.  Way to cut out the middle man, design douches.

And of course the most important question is the one everyone would have asked about this bike seven years ago is: "Can I make it into a fixie?"

Well, the answer is a resounding "Yes!"--though for some reason when they say "fixie" they show a time trial bike:

And then when they say "track bike" they show the bike David Millar should be riding now that he's been put out to pasture three weeks early:

Okay, I see what they're going for here--they're invented a bike that can change along with you.  Maybe they're on to something in that regard.  If they can also add technology that will convince design douches like the ones in the video to leave New York City and move back to wherever it is they came from then I'll gladly help back this:

(Why don't you guys skip the bike and design yourselves a haircut?)

Alas, instead they, instead they want to put "more bikes on the road:"

Though if that's the case I don't know why this guy is on the sidewalk.

Cycling: An Affront to Decent, Hard-Working People

You receive lots of press releases when you're a world-renowned bike blogger and internationally published author.

You also receive a lot of press releases when you're an obscure bike blogger and noted douchebag, which explains why I get them.

Here's a press release I recently received, and it features a headline containing almost no words that get me excited:

LOCAL BIKE SHOP WINS FIXED GEAR CYCLING COMPETITION ON WORLD’S SMALLEST VELODROME

"Fixed gear cycling..." "competition..." "velodrome..."  These are the words that strike sleep in the hearts of me.  When I read a headline like that, it feels like I'm staring at this:

(I fall asleep for 40 minutes every single time I see the above image of a Retro-Fred wagging his heel admonishingly, but thanks to the miracle of pre-recorded blogs you'd never know that.)

And of all the soporific words in that headline, it's "velodrome" that really lays me out.  Remember during the heyday of the fixie craze when people had to pretend to be interested in track racing?  That was terrible!  Fortunately that's all over now, and we've all returned to our default mode of not giving a fuck:

(A capacity crowd engrossed in a track race.)

In retrospect, it's probably a good thing they never built that velodrome in Brooklyn Bridge Park, because it would have just sat there like a NOBR AKES knuckle tattoo across the Brooklyn skyline.

Anyway, so what happened at the "World's Smallest Velodrome?"  Well, this:

Brooklyn, New York (June 27, 2014) – Hundreds of New Yorkers packed in the Brooklyn Masonic Temple tonight to see 100 of the top fixed gear cyclists rip on the world’s steepest and smallest velodrome for the return of Red Bull Mini Drome. For the second year in a row, 100 passionate fixed gear racers signed up to race in 10-lap heats around steep wooden banks, resembling a mini Olympic cycling track, in the center of one of Brooklyn’s oldest temples.  

(Really, the "top fixed gear cyclists" were at the event?  So all the various UCI World Champions competed?  Yeah, I didn't think so.)

Wow.

I can't believe I missed it.

It's like I always say: energy drink marketing is the single greatest thing that's ever happened to cycling.*

*[Disclaimer: I never say that.]

Speaking of goofy cycling events with a veneer of irreverence, a Twitterer informs me that something called "CrowBomb" threatens to completely unravel the tasteful and subtly-patterned fabric of Canadian society:

On Thursday, a group of cyclists taking part in the annual ‘CrowBomb’ event headed down Crowchild Trail during rush hour. Though they mostly stuck to the far right lane, at some points the group of eight riders were seen weaving in and out of traffic.

Oh my god!!!  Occasional weaving!?!  So what happened?  Well, occasionally the riders went near cars:

Which made this police officer livid--or at least its Canadian equivalent, which is mildly perturbed:

“First of all it’s illegal, let’s make that perfectly clear,” says Sgt. Mike ter Kuile from the Calgary Police Service. “Crazy, I think not only crazy, but irresponsible.”

Oh, please.  They're riding bikes briskly.  "Crazy" and "irresponsible" is what you have going on about 3,500km to the east there, Dudley Douche-Right:

("Well, we eat apples to symbolize a sweet New Year, but if you prefer to substitute crack I don't see a problem with that Talmudically speaking.")

By the way, I had to use G--gle Maps to figure out how far Calgary was from Toronto and this is what I found:

Come on, you people can't even drive from one of your cities to another without going through our country?!?  No wonder our infrastructure's in such a state!  You and your tire chains are making poutine of our road surfaces!**

**[Disclaimer: I am being sarcastic, and I pray to Jesus Christ nightly for Canada to annex all the US states that border it, New York included.]

Anyway, Calgary is ready to crack down hard on these lunatic scofflaws, though by "crack down hard" I really mean the nearest Canadian equivalent, which is giving them "stunting tickets:"

(They're stunting!)

Canada is generally a more enlightened society than the United States, but one unfortunate thing we both have in common is that the mere act of riding a bicycle on a public road is considered a stunt--though check out this guy:

Move over, Martyn Ashton!  Now that's stunting!

Next, they interview drivers, and this one says the ride is "nuts!"

(Wait, are they just showing him the video?  Did he not even encounter the cyclists in real life?)

Incidentally, he says the same thing to his wive when she says she's thinking about having a second glass of wine, or that "Maybe you should wear the yellow golf shirt today instead of the red one."

Nuts, I tell you!

Not to be outdone, this driver says it's "crazy!"

(Holy shit, yeah, they're just showing them the video on a phone!  This proves that Canadian "journalists" are even lazier than their counterparts south of the border.)

You know what's crazy?  Your uncanny resemblance to a popular 1980s wrestling personality:

("Captain" Lou was in fact never a commissioned officer in the armed forces.)

Invariably, whenever it comes to covering maniac cyclists terrorizing the streets, journalists always manage to find at least one "Uncle Fred" willing to throw his fellow velocipedists under the autobus:

“That was completely over the top behaviour,” said Gary Beaton, president of the Tour de Nuit Society. “The majority of cyclists follow the rules of the road and are highly aware of their surroundings.”

Oh, save it.  Just once I'd love to hear one of these advocate types say something like, "You know what?  Sure, that ride looks kinda stupid, but maybe use a torque wrench on your sphincter because yours is seriously overtightened.  They're just bikes."

Finally, we get to meet the twisted mastermind of the ride--who, contrary to the story, is in fact so safety conscious he's wearing a helment during the interview:

“Traffic is stopped. Another car might bang into another one, that’s not going to hurt us.”

He was subsequently sentenced to life imprisonment for gloating over damage to a motor vehicle.

In other news, the Tour de France starts this coming weekend, and every year the media checks in with EPO-addled lummox Miguel Indurain, who says something mind-numbingly predictable:

Speaking to the Independent, Indurain said “It’s going to be a good fight. He [Contador] has been much more consistent this year, more focused. Both are in great shape. But let’s not forget the other rivals; if Contador and Froome get too obsessed with beating each other, another rider could surprise both of them.”

"The competitors will be riding bicycles again this year," added Indurain with his usual insight.  "Climbing will be a factor, especially in the mountains."

They say Indurain sits in front of the phone for a full three weeks before Tour time, waiting for it to ring while staring at an index card with the favorites' names on it and getting a massage from his brother, Joe Pesci:

(Indurain waiting for his annual call.)

Meanwhile, here's something else everybody already knew, which is that the French are hopeless:

All five French teams have confirmed lineups for the upcoming Tour de France, with a heavy focus on national riders and a hunt for stage wins.

It’s been a long time since a Frenchman has won the Tour — Bernard Hinault was the last in 1985 — and it looks very unlikely a Frenchman will win again this year. A top-10 is something to cheer for these days in the French peloton.

When reached for comment, five-time Tour winner Miguel Indurain added, "France is in Europe."

Lastly, if you're the "curvy girl" who visited a bike shop recently, some creepy Fred wants to ride behind you while sporting a boner:

To the curvy girl at strictly bikes on a cannondale - m4w - 40
age : 40

I overheard you say you liked my kit- I had noticed you right away 

I saw you at strictly with the pinkish top and I loved your curves. I them saw you again at the bridge and riverside...
I wish I had been bold and walked up to you.
If you are interested in riding with a funny, good looking bike boy- who you make horny(you looked gorgeous)- email me and tell me what my kit looked like: would love to meet and at least have the opportunity to introduce myself.

I hope you had a great ride.

He wants her to tell him what his kit looked like?  Let me guess: it was either full Rapha straining against his increasing girth, or else the very latest in Cat 4 CRCA sub-team chic.

I'm surprised he didn't invite her up to his KuKu Penthouse.

BSNYC Friady Fun Quiz!

Well, NPR's Scott Simon has apologized for his dumb cycling tweet, but he had to go and tack on a gratuitous third sentence:

Sorry to stereotype cyclists as scofflaws. I was wrong. But saying "You're wrong" makes better case than violent screeds.
— Scott Simon (@nprscottsimon) June 26, 2014

Yeah, that is what everyone was saying.  I didn't see any "violent screeds."  I just saw replies like this:

So he might as well have pointed out that saying "You're wrong" also makes a better case than blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk.  (Though I admit I did angrily blow bubbles in my own chocolate milk for a full 20 minutes after reading his initial tweet.)

Also, before apologizing he tried to defend himself with this limp noodle:

Perhaps because cyclists are so visible we see more of their infractions. Yes, we have many staffers who bike to work and-
— Scott Simon (@nprscottsimon) June 26, 2014

If we're so visible then why do drivers keep running us over because they "didn't see" us?  Also, I assume he's tweeting from Washington, DC, and if he thinks cyclists are a bigger presence than drivers on the streets of our nation's capital then he'd better go back to LensCrafters and get a refund.

[Also, bonus points to him for falling back on the classic "Some of my best friends are cyclists" routine.]

In other news, Bradley Wiggins is officially out of the Tour de France:

Yet David Millar will be riding it for the 13th time:

(I thought he retired already.)

Proving once again that the worst career move you can make as a Tour de France cyclist is actually winning the thing.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you're special, and if you're wrong you'll see a doped-up rabbit.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and be sure to yield to NPR hosts.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

(He's watching excitedly as the future of rearward viewing overtakes him.)

1) Finally, a digital answer to the helment mirror!

--True
--False

2) What is this contraption?

--The Flying Rider™
--The Hover Bike™
--The Velo Truss™
--The Fred Harness™

3) Which of the following is true of the £6000 Trek Domane Disc 6.9?

--It has "fantastic power on tap with minimal hand effort along with a positive initial bite that's far from grabby or overly abrupt"
--It is "akin to driving a car with disc brakes versus drums"
--It is not officially approved by Trek for tires wider than 25mm
--All of the above

4) Ángel Vázquez was removed from a Gran Fondo by Spain’s Guardia Civil for:

--Serial doping
--Using a bicycle fitted with an electrical assist
--Cereal doping
--Hogging the donuts at one of the rest stops

5) According to  its inventor, the Mac Ride child seat promotes:

--"Independence"
--"Independance"
--"Six Pack Abs"
--"Motion Sickness"

6) What ridiculous notion is he scoffing at?

--The idea that someone would ever eat food that isn't locally grown and sustainably harvested
--The idea that someone would ever ride a bicycle that isn't handmade by a master craftsman
--The idea that someone would ever think about the wind during the course of a typical day
--The idea of washing his hair

7) Fill in the blank:

DONT FUCKING PEE NEAR MY HOUSE AGAIN. YOU'RE DISGUSTING. PLEASE GO BACK TO ____.

--Jersey
--Ohio
--Iowa
--Fucktardistan

***Tasteful Yet Still Technically NSFW-Themed Bonus Question***

Helment Mirror Guy clearly likes what he sees.

--True
--False

Et tu, NPR?

As cyclists, plenty of people out there hate us, but we can always count on the communists at National Public Radio to have our backs, right?

Wrong!

Any walk through downtown demonstrates that cyclists think they're above the law. Does that explain @lancearmstrong ?
— Scott Simon (@nprscottsimon) June 26, 2014

Not only is the underlying "logic" of this tweet completely stupid, but invoking comparisons to "Lance Armstrong" is the lowest form of cyclist baiting, as anyone who has had it shouted at them from a car window will attest.

In any case, the only way to answer Mr. Simon's question is with another question:

Any listen to Rush Limbaugh's radio show demonstrates he's an idiot.  Does that explain you?

Inasmuch as it follows the exact same logic as Mr. Simon's initial tweet I'm sure he'll find that, if he really thinks it through, it answers his own question concerning cyclists quite satisfactorily.

This isn't to say cyclists can't be dangerous, or that some of them don't think they're above the law, because yesterday in Brooklyn a cyclist fleeing the police rammed into the back of a flatbed truck and decapitated himself.

Oh, wait a minute, I meant driver, not cyclist:

Police say that Leroy Samuel, 22, was driving a 2003 black Infiniti eastbound on the BQE when he tried to exit at Atlantic Avenue. But he collided into a flatbed truck waiting at the light.

One witness told DNAinfo, "A couple cop cars were chasing him. The lights were flashing and the sirens were on." A bicyclist said to the Post, "When he exited here he was driving 70 to 80 miles per hour, and the trailer was waiting for the light... Highway patrol was chasing him. When I went to see what happened to the driver, he had no head. His head was in the back seat. It was horrible."

If only there were some way to identify and stop potentially deadly drivers before they caused grievous bodily harm to themselves and others and put our hard-working officers of the law in harm's way.  Oh, wait a minute, there is!  If you look up this guy's license plate he had a shitload of unpaid parking tickets:

Do you think there might be a relationship between being a highly irresponsible motor vehicle owner and driving that motor vehicle in a dangerous fashion?  Because I do.  It seems to me that by the time you've run up this many parking tickets and failed to pay them the city should tow your car away and crush it up into a tiny cube.  Nine unpaid parking tickets in a four month period is a cry for help.  So maybe someone should have helped this person by impounding the car five or six unpaid tickets ago.

If you can't take care of your toys then you shouldn't be allowed to have them.

I'm tempted to say that, given the addled mental state of the typical driver, our streets are full of guided missiles.  However, implying that the way these people drive in any way qualifies as "guidance" is about as accurate as Scott Simon's fatuous Lance Armstrong comparison.  Even so, it's clearly dangerous out there, which is why would-be entrepreneurs keep coming up with stuff like this:

Backtracker is a two-part system, the front unit giving you the speed and distance of rear-approaching vehicles, and the back unit alerting motorists to your position via increasingly frequent light pulses.

Or, you could just turn your head.

But why go through all that effort when instead a display on your handlebars will tell you how far away a car is with flashing lights?

"What, turning my head a few degrees?  No, I've outsourced that tedious chore.  See, the indicator tells me how fast the car is approaching, and when the light goes from green to red I know that I've been decapitated."

Of course, if you really hate turning your head you could always just use a helment mirror, but then you wouldn't be playing with lights and radar.  "But helment mirrors are dorky!," you may be saying.  Well, yeah, sure they are, but do you think you look like less of a dork with a bunch of radar shit strapped to both ends of your bike?  Because you don't.  You're just a digital dork instead of an analog one.

By the way, I've been struggling with an editorial decision as far as which default helment mirror image to use going forward, and I'm not sure if it should be this one:

This one:

Or this one:

I'm sort of leaning towards Gandalf in the middle, but I'm still open to reader input.

Or, if you don't want to put the mirror on your helment, you can always wear it on your wrist:

I first mentioned the above product back in February of 2012, and I can't believe it still hasn't taken the cycling world by storm.

Lastly, let's all acknowledge the organizers of the Giro d'Italia for not being condescending to female cycling fans at all:

Hey girls! Who do you think is the most beautiful rider of the 2014 Giro d'Italia? With whom would you like to go out for a dinner? #giro
— Giro d'Italia (@giroditalia) June 26, 2014

Hmm, I don't know.  This is an Italian bike race, so it would be helpful to know which (if any) of the riders doesn't still live at home with his mother.  That might help the "girls" narrow it down.

Wednesday is in the middle of the common Western five-day workweek that starts on Monday and finishes on Friday.

People think being a semi-professional bike blogger is easy, which of course it is.  But that doesn't mean I don't have to do work.  For example, in addition to typing words into this magic box, I also have to make executive-level decisions and field and evaluate high-stakes business proposals like this one:

Hi Name!

Yes, I swear, this was the actual salutation in the letter.  I'm guessing that at some point someone told her always to "address people by name" in email correspondence, and so she's taking that literally.

My name is Emma Powers, and I’m the Community Coordinator at RelayRides. We are a peer-to-peer sharing car rental service and with the shift to more of a sharing economy we need to spread the word on some hotspots/services across the country!

Car rental service?  Oh, yes, by all means continue!  As a bike blogger, you can be sure I want to do all I can to make sure as many assholes as possible have ready access to motor vehicles.  I also like the phrase "shift to more of a sharing economy," which is a nice way of saying that as income inequality rapidly increases the concept of "personal property" is now moribund for all but the wealthiest Americans.  I guess the fact that we're all piss-poor now is why car-sharing companies are scrounging around asking bike bloggers to give them free advertising.

When’s the last time you felt like a tourist in your own city, or came across that one great place that has been under your nose for years? I ask that you and a select group of other bloggers be apart of our peer-to-peer mission to highlight Hometown Hidden Gems! Create a post on your blog that talks about your hidden gem(s) and feel free to make of it whatever you will! We are truly inspired by your perspective and your post could provide the same great experiences for fellow locals or even for a reader traveling to your town in the future! From a a great place to take a long ride to a great pit stop to grab a bite to eat -- talk about it and give credit where it’s due!

You ask that I and a select group of other bloggers be a part of your peer-to-peer mission?  Well I ask that you give me some goddamn money!  If that's not clear enough, here it is in musical form:



As for the last time I felt like a tourist in my own city, how about every time I go to Brooklyn?  It's like a less ethnically-diverse Portland now.  And have you seen this shit?



What city is that?!?  Because I sure as hell don't live anyplace that looks like that.

I especially loved the quasi-transcendent rock soundtrack, and I kept waiting for Jared Leto to appear on his Fixie of Righteousness:

So now what?

We’ll be creating a places board and our social team looks forward to pinning their favorite gems from participants with credits given back to the post itself! So with the world watching, lets uncover some of the greatest places together! Let me know if you are interested; I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Best,
Emma

Nice try, Emma, but you can be damn sure if I uncover any great places I'll be keeping them to myself.

Then, after checking my email I headed over to Twitter, where I saw this:

Just wait ’til @bikesnobnyc gets a load of http://t.co/7krSVP7p1k.
— Tom Sulston (@tomsulston) June 25, 2014

Just when you think you've seen it all, here comes a Fred in a hernia truss:

 

It's a proven fact that 99% of all inane bicycle "innovations" are invented by architects who think they can learn everything they need to know about cycling by watching the Tour de France, and this one is no exception:

Architect and engineer D.M. Schwartz invented Flying Rider. He has been awarded 15 US patents over his 47-year career. 

As he watched an uphill section of the 2011 Tour de France, Schwartz noticed that the bobbing motion of the riders looked like wasted energy. If only the rider had something to push his back against, restraining vertical motion and allowing more leverage on the pedals, then the bicycle would be more efficient.

Yeah, if only, dumbass.  It's also a proven fact that 99.9% of all inane bicycle "innovations" are invented by people who don't realize that what they're really looking for is a recumbent:

("If only the rider had something to push his back against, restraining vertical motion and allowing more leverage on the pedals...")

At this point I could start an entirely new blog called "Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings" and fill it with all the asinine ass pedestals, harnesses and so forth that these schnooks seem to come up with on a daily basis.  However, I don't really feel like starting an entirely new blog right now, so I'll just use the name for my new band instead:

(My band, Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings, will gladly rock your wedding, Bar Mitzvah, or corporate get-together.)

Anyway, haven't we seen this before already, albeit without a drivetrain?


It also has disc brakes, though evidently the rotor in the rear is just for show:

Lastly, Spanish authorities have arrested Ángel Vázquez, a.k.a. The World's Most Dangerous Fred:

Who was pulled from a Gran Fondo while leading it a mere 30km from the finish:

In a bizarre incident, police stopped and arrested a Spanish rider while he was leading Spain’s most prestigious gran fondo, the Quebrantahuesos event, across the Pyrénées on Saturday.

Ángel Vázquez had won the previous edition of the popular event but was yanked from the race 30km from the finish by agents from Spain’s Guardia Civil when he was poised to win yet again.

Evidently, Vázquez had been banned from at least two "sports" and was now doping his way through the Fondo circuit:

According to reports in the Spanish media, the presence of Vázquez raised the ire of event organizers. Vázquez had been banned for life in triathlon for doping infractions, and also had previously served a ban as a pro cyclist when he tested positive for EPO in 2010.

In nature, the only creature more dangerous than a cornered animal is a Fred who has been interrupted mid-Fondo, so it should come as no surprise Vázquez threatened the arresting officers:

According to a report on the Spanish wire service EFE, agents tried three times to stop Vázquez during the event. When he was finally detained in the town of Hoz de Jaca, he was later transported to a local station for insulting and threatening officers.

As for the nature of the threat, according to witnesses Vázquez brandished a crabon seatpost and uttered the following:

"Hello.  My name is Ángel Vázquez.  You interrupted my Fondo.  Prepare to die."

And I shouldn't have to tell you who will play Vázquez in the movie:

Evidently, Mandy Patinkin has Latent Fred Tendencies, and you too can catch LFT when they open for Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings at Interbike 2014.