Wednesday, December 12, 2018

'Tis The Season To Consume, Consume, Consume!!!

Good morning!

While I'm sitting here on my ass trying to keep my Swollen Foot of Shame (SFOS) elevated, let's talk about Christmas:

(When this movie was out I was totally engaging in age-appropriate skateboarding.)

Oh sure, I can be cynical at times, but the fact is I'm positively bubbling over with Christmas spirit--mostly because I have no choice.  In fact, in addition to hobbling around on my SFOS I'm home with a 3-year old who has a cold.  We've got "Polar Express" playing on the TV, I've got about 20 minutes until he loses interest and starts bouncing off the walls, so I guess what I'm saying is that it's a fucking Yuletide pressure cooker in here:

(Posting Seinfeld GIFs is such an over-40 thing to do.)

Therefore, in the spirit of the season, let's talk about gift-giving.  Specifically, let's talk about gifts you can purchase that will benefit me.  Oh, and by the way, feel free to buy yourself a gift, too.  You deserve it.  Really, the only thing that feels better than giving gifts to others is giving them to yourself.  In fact just yesterday I bought myself a sweet-ass cane:

(One day you're shopping for skateboard decks and the next day you're shopping for canes.)

They were out of crabon and ti so I had to go with aluminum.

Of course, astute readers may recall that I already published a holiday gift guide, and it consisted of one (1) item:

I stand by that recommendation.  In fact, I would not hesitate to award the Jones Plus SWB Complete the distinction of 2018 Bike Of The Year:

Jones is welcome to use that in any and all marketing campaigns and even affix a decal to that effect on the next production run, though I'm sure he will do none of this as my imprimatur will probably scare off potential customers.

Another vendor you can turn to for your holiday shopping needs is my esteemed sponsor Ben's Cycle:

Of course it's great to support your local bike shop, but do keep in mind that Ben's Cycle is still someone's local bike shop, even if it's not yours.  Also, they support me, and what's more important than that?  And finally, let's be honest: sometimes you can't go anywhere because you fucked up your foot skateboarding or something stupid like that, in which case what choice do you have?

Anyway, in addition to all your bicycle cycling needs, Ben's Cycle also produces the excellent Milwaukee line of bicycles:

I've written extensively about how much I love my wildly versatile Milwaukee road bike:

But they've also got mountain bikes, touring bikes, city bikes, cyclocross bikes...just check out their Instagram:

I don't think it's overly fawning of me to say that Milwaukee offers one of the most comprehensive and attractive line of production steel bikes out there (and made in Wisconsin no less), and if you don't find a bike you covet on their site you'd better check your glasses prescription.

That's not to give short shrift to Rivendell mind you, though arguably Rivendell is in a class by itself:

And don't forget that in addition to bikes you can buy all kinds of handy stuff from them:

If nothing else, buy yourself or someone you care about one of those shirts, they're fucking fantastic.

Speaking of bike shops (at least I was awhile ago), why not go ahead and treat the entire family to a first-class trip to Seattle, then while they're gawking at the Space Needle or something you can go check out the bike museum over at Classic Cycle on Bainbridge Island:

All right, I know what you're thinking: "Lavish trips to Seattle?  New bicycles?  Warm shirts?  Where's all the cheap shit?"  Well, how about the gift of coffee, you cheapskate?

You even get a discount if you enter the coupon code "BSNYC."  It's the perfect stocking stuffer--especially if you open the bags, pour all the beans into the stocking, and tie a knot in it.

Also cheap?  The gift of literature!

I've written four fucking books, what the hell have you done?  Buy one or all of them wherever fine books are sold.  (I know my books aren't fine, but places that sell fine books also have to sell crappy books or else they'll go out of business.)

Okay, I think that about covers it--unless you want to buy a cargo bike for Christmas, in which case go get yourself a WorkCycles.   Anyway, "Polar Express" is winding down and the kid's doing swan dives off the couch so that's all from me.  Happy gifting!


Drock said...

Whoa pic heavy. Riding will make that swollen appendage better. To the trailer kids it’s learnin time

wishiwasmerckx said...


Fredly Adams said...

Better Off Dead! Great Flick!

Anonymous said...


pbateman just bought something to stuff your mom's stocking with said...


Figure i do owe you at least whatever royalties you get being that i've been reading for free for like...a long time, so just ordered all the books. Even bought one that was written by some guy named eben which is not a name i would normally trust.

i just hope the massive influx of cash allows you to buy the nicest mint condition candy cane you can find.

mint...candy cane....

thats gold jerry! gold!

Anonymous said...

I have a similar panasonic in my stable, with only a minor ding to the frame and my wallet.

Grump said...

90% of people who ride bikes, would be happy with a Milwaukee, if they could only park their egos.

commie said...

Aluminum cane? Why buy aluminum when you can buy crabon for 10X more? holiday tip: Tide pods in stockings help to wash out the blood stains from Black Friday rampages, plus make great snacks for those annoying kids and Grandpa after his MAGA rants.
Hi, hi.

Pist Off said...

Coffee is my drug of choice and Milwaukees are nice frames, both things worth a plug for sure. Rivendell sells the nice red brake pads and the Wheels Mfg brass cable housing ferrules which are great stocking stuffers for bike nerds. I’ll never buy Tide pods now that the large dumb football guy shilled them. However I am in favor of annoying people eating Tide pods, so maybe large dumb football guy could be convinced they’re tasty. I’d watch that. Happy non-denominational Holidays y’all!

huskerdont said...

Seriously, those detergent pods have been investigated by the CPSC etc. and they can kill. They'd be outlawed if we had a functioning government that was still allowed to try to protect us from our own stupidity. Don't buy those things if you have kids, dogs, or cats, or if you think you might be visited by anyone with kids, dogs, or cats, or if you yourself might ever get high or drunk enough to eat bright things that look like candy but taste like ass.

I have go now to think about the question of if I were to buy one book, which would it be.

janinedm said...

If I were to offer an entry in a cyclists' gift guide, it would be a Wonder Washer. For cyclists in the eponymous NYC area or other places with small apartments and rare in-apartment laundry, it's a game changer. It's the size of a bucket and you can fill it with water from the bathtub without a hose. Add a very little laundry detergent (I like the Laundress's Sport Wash, it extends the life of sports gear and smells like cedar) and it does a 15 minute cycle. Basically, when you come home from a ride, you can run that thing while you're in the shower and not build up a pile if funk large enough to justify a trip to the laundromat or basement. If your apartment is small enough, just waiting to accumulate a small load can make the place funkier than a Bootsy Collins bootleg. Not sold in bike shops, though. But they should be.

bad boy of the south said...

What?!no gift selection from renovo?

Anonymous said...

Rock you like a Hurri-cane

The chicks dig a fold-ie with quick draw action-

What size tubing are you running?

Beck the Biker said...

That Milwaukee is sick! THAT'D be a nice upgrade from a Surly TC.

Chris said...

Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way ... turn.

aerialcopper said...

Electrified one of my milwaukees. Recently displayed 1000km according to the cycle analyst, mostly <6km city trips carrying my tools to jobs and groceries home. My other car is another milwaukee which is the loveliest bike I've ever had. Dyno hub, cowchipper bars, 40mm knobbies, 2x11 mtb crank and road cassette, and a handlebar bag. I ride the ebike since I have to, I ride the CX bike because it is endless joy. It's the reflection of the bike that gave me autonomy when I was ~13--it gives that feeling of really clipping along with not a worry on my mind-I don't have to be home by six any more :)

Anonymous said...

"Rivendell is in a class by itself" The one pictured sure-as-hell-is. I think the class is butt-ugly. Who buys those things, blind people?

JLRB said...

If only I weren't on the naughty list already...

courierpop said...

I may be cynical, but I'm not jaded! (An important distinction)

tubasti said...

RE: Dat Rivendell

The day I raise the handlebar higher than the saddle on any of my bikes I will be incontrovertibly over the hill. Somebody shoot me, please.