Virtually Virtuous

I don't Zwift.  Please note I don't say this with smugness--I've become a total Strava dork so acknowledge anything's possible--but the fact remains that as of now I don't ride indoors, with or without digital enhancements.  Nevertheless, I was amused to see that Zwift now offers a virtual New York City for your e-Fredding pleasure:

New routes. New buildings. New climb. New... pic.twitter.com/hJ16HQWaqS

— Zwift (@GoZwift) October 17, 2018

Of course any New York City facsimile would be incomplete without blocked bike lanes and incessant NYPD ticketing blitzes, though this is a futuristic New York City so presumably our Fredly progeny will have left those indignities behind along with other crude relics such as mechanical shifters and rim brakes:



As a non-Swifter I can only go by the video, but I will give them high marks for verisimilitude because this totally looks like the sort of person you're liable to see in Central Park:

Also, like the sea lions at the Central Park Zoo, New York City Freds can spend their entire cycling lifespan without ever leaving their enclosure.  So thanks to Zwift, not only can they do all their actual rides in Central Park, but they can also do their virtual rides in an idealized Central Park with elevated roadways that will lift them over the rent-a-bike tourists and piles of horse manure:

Not only that, but you can also do the unthinkable, which is ride around the park in different directions:

If you're unfamiliar with Central Park, you're only allowed to ride on the perimeter loop, and only in one direction.  If you're caught riding against traffic or on any of the park's many footpaths you will be ticketed and then locked in the Central Park Conservancy jail deep in a secret tunnel beneath the park where a cadre of wealthy sadistic patrons will read to you from the interpersonal correspondence of Calvert Vaux and Frederick Law Olmsted until you beg for the mercy of a swift death.

In any case, I'm not sure that I'll ever need to see the computerized version of Central Park, because I lived it.  Crowded and contained as it may be, I enjoy few things more than a leisurely ride in Central Park, especially on a crisp Sunday morning in autumn when the city is sleepy, the traffic is light, and getting to the park is delightful rather than onerous.  Still, this is New York, so it's always something--and on Sundays that something is churchgoers parking in the bike lanes:

Jesus died so you could double-park:

One can only imagine if the velocipede had existed in Jesus's time.  You've strapped on your sandals and headed out for some hill repeats, only to find mile upon mile of double-parked asses with signs hanging around their necks reading "In Worship At The Mount Of Beatitudes."  Actually, a Biblical Zwift could be the one thing that would get me to use it, and Twelve Apostles would make a great virtual Grand Tour team.

Another problem with Central Park around this time of year is that when you get there there's usually some kind of endurance sporting event going on, and the participants get much more latitude than the Freds do.  See, in the spring and summer the roadies have to start racing at the crack of dawn, there are course marshals stationed roughly every five feet, and we're already finished and out of everyone's hair by like 7am.  Meanwhile, when there's a triathlon or duathlon or whatever kind of -athlon this was people get to weave around the park all willy-nilly during peak morning workout time with nary a marshal in sight:

Though there was this guy in an NYPD t-shirt:

Perhaps there was a warrant out for those outfits:

As a Fred I should probably observe the "Let he who is without Lycra cast the first insult" platitude, but if there's one thing I've learned from watching worshippers park in the bike lane it's that none of those teachings are supposed to be taken literally.