Who Will Save The World From Cyclists?

Firstly, Sha Na Na Tovah to all my Jewish friends:

Did I say it right?

Secondly, I recommend you check out today's Bike Forecast for your reading enjoyment:

It's all about a recent Inside Edition story that reduces human beings to a swarm of locusts and abets the auto-industrial complex's ongoing attempt to criminalize cycling.

Moving on, the UCI has elected a new president:

So what does this mean?  Well, it's kind of like when Specialized or Trek or whoever uses a new carbon fiber modulus, in that it allows them to slap a different label on it but in practice it makes no difference whatsoever.

The truth is that a UCI president with teeth would eliminate every single discipline except for artistic cycling:



This is because it's the only one that doesn't exist entirely to feed the delusions of middle-aged Freds and Fredericas.  Well, that and radball:



And possibly BMX:



And I suppose trials:


Though I would absolutely love it if the masters racers set all took up trials.

By the way, if you think about it, trials is the polar opposite of triathlon.  One reduces cycling entirely to bike-handling, while the other completely eliminates it.  Even the bikes couldn't be more different:

If I was forced to choose between these two bicycles I have no idea which one I'd go with: the one that is only useful for hopping around Alpine logging sites, or the one that looks like something you'd use to prep for a colonoscopy.

In other news of athletic feats, British endurance cyclists Mark Beaumont has completed a record-breaking circumcision of the globe:

During his first 29 days, Mark broke a record for the Farthest distance cycled in one month: 11,315.29 km (7,031 miles).

The long-distance athlete set off in Paris on 2 July, before cycling through Europe, Russia and China – the first stage of his journey – and then moving on to reach Western Australia on 31 July.

“This was a fantastic milestone to achieve during the challenge of getting around the world in eighty days. I hope it is used as a marker for other cyclists to go and smash in the near future,” he said.

Another Guinness record they fail to mention is that he created the world's longest Strava segment.

And further to yesterday's post, in which we met comedian and conspiracy theorist Mitch Henck, more Wisconsinites have joined the eternal struggle to save the world from cyclists:

Yes, the "Stop Bad Bicyclists" movement is sure to pick up steam once this horrifying video goes viral:



My heart skipped a beat, I don't know about yours.

Of course filming that video while driving was probably the most dangerous thing happening in that video, but once we rid the world of these killer cyclists then maybe we can move onto these far less urgent matters.

Seriously, we cyclists will destroy the earth if you let us:

I haven't crunched the numbers yet, but Paul seems pretty confident so it must be right. pic.twitter.com/t6UNdKvNrb

— Stephen B (@BicycleAdagio) September 14, 2017

It's true, drivers don't eat so it totally adds up.