From Materialism to Letting Go

With the stock market on a tear and a president who's committed to making America great again by increasing our reliance on cutting-edge energy sources such as coal there's never been a better time to purchase a quality bicycle made here on the good side of the Mexican border wall.  Are you in the market for a new bike that says, "I'm an American, and I wipe my ass with $100 bills?"  If so, look no further, because you'll want to buy two or three of these babies:

Yes, meet The Wheelman Bicycle, the $35,000 python-wrapped bicycle that screams, "I take meetings with Donald Trump, Jr.!"

As far as I can tell The Wheelman has been around for awhile, but I only became aware of it last week when a publicist representing the company asked if I would discuss it on a TV show.  I told him that I would, but that in the interest of "full transparency" he should know I find the bike offensive.  For some reason he decided to move on.

Anyway, here's the story behind The Wheelman:

WHEELMEN

PYTHON WRAPPED BICYCLE

$35,000.00

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Each Wheelmen bicycle is a custom-built masterpiece. The lavish finishings and details of this exceptional bicycle ensure that The Wheelmen is both work of art and mode of transportation like no other. 

Williamson bicycles are hand brazed in Detroit using highest quality chromoly tubing. The frame, fork, lugs, and stem are all handmade by Williamson, with individual copper details and subtle logos brazed in place. Each component is wrapped with python or crocodile and hand sewn. Brake levers, gear system, pedals, and cranks are then assembled to your exact specifications. All of our animal skins are CITES certified, thus they are harvested in a sustainable and humane process. In addition, no chemical bi-products are used in the tanneries. 

ONLY 10 OF EACH COLOR WILL BE MANUFACTURED.

EACH BICYCLE WILL BE ENGRAVED WITH ITS RESPECTIVE LIMITED EDITION NUMBER 1 THROUGH 10.

And here are the specs, which slot neatly in between "stock Surly" and "stock Budnitz" but are closer to the former:

Basically it's your typical shop bro's bar bike, only dipped in plating and wrapped in dead shit.

Oh, here's where the frames come from, by the way:

Sure, they look like nice enough frames, but you don't even get the satisfaction of waiting around for a world famous artisan who's in love with the smell of his own farts:

Nevertheless, if you're enamored of The Wheelman because you've always dreamed of a bike that looks like Ted Nugent is using it as a drying rack for his underpants, then for a similar effect I'd recommend purchasing a Linus and draping it in roadkill.  That way you'll have about $34,500 left over, which you can use to buy five (5) footballs:

WOODWARD 

GOLD CROCODILE FOOTBALL:

$6,250.00

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The Woodward football is made to the official size and weight of professional American football standards.  It can be enjoyed as a prized showpiece or for a game of backyard football.

Each ball is hand cut, sewn and assembled in Detroit, Michigan, and can be embossed with the name, initials, or personal message of your choice. All of our animal skins are CITES certified, thus they are harvested in a sustainable and humane process. In addition, no chemical bi-products are used in the tanneries. 

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ONLY 10 WOODWARD IN GOLD WILL BE MADE.

EACH BALL WILL BE ENGRAVED WITH ITS RESPECTIVE LIMITED EDITION NUMBER 1 THROUGH 10.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck do these people have against reptiles!?!

Yeah, I'm holding out for the golf balls covered in stem cells, but thanks anyway.

In other news, did you know that no-handed riding will enhance your mind-body connection?

Why is this?  Well, one reason is apparently that "now you have nearly 100% of all your weight on your root."

Yes, as you always suspected, intense scranial pressure is the path to enlightenment.