Tuesday, July 25, 2017

From Materialism to Letting Go

With the stock market on a tear and a president who's committed to making America great again by increasing our reliance on cutting-edge energy sources such as coal there's never been a better time to purchase a quality bicycle made here on the good side of the Mexican border wall.  Are you in the market for a new bike that says, "I'm an American, and I wipe my ass with $100 bills?"  If so, look no further, because you'll want to buy two or three of these babies:


Yes, meet The Wheelman Bicycle, the $35,000 python-wrapped bicycle that screams, "I take meetings with Donald Trump, Jr.!"


As far as I can tell The Wheelman has been around for awhile, but I only became aware of it last week when a publicist representing the company asked if I would discuss it on a TV show.  I told him that I would, but that in the interest of "full transparency" he should know I find the bike offensive.  For some reason he decided to move on.

Anyway, here's the story behind The Wheelman:

WHEELMEN
PYTHON WRAPPED BICYCLE

$35,000.00


Each Wheelmen bicycle is a custom-built masterpiece. The lavish finishings and details of this exceptional bicycle ensure that The Wheelmen is both work of art and mode of transportation like no other. 

Williamson bicycles are hand brazed in Detroit using highest quality chromoly tubing. The frame, fork, lugs, and stem are all handmade by Williamson, with individual copper details and subtle logos brazed in place. Each component is wrapped with python or crocodile and hand sewn. Brake levers, gear system, pedals, and cranks are then assembled to your exact specifications. All of our animal skins are CITES certified, thus they are harvested in a sustainable and humane process. In addition, no chemical bi-products are used in the tanneries. 

ONLY 10 OF EACH COLOR WILL BE MANUFACTURED.
EACH BICYCLE WILL BE ENGRAVED WITH ITS RESPECTIVE LIMITED EDITION NUMBER 1 THROUGH 10.

And here are the specs, which slot neatly in between "stock Surly" and "stock Budnitz" but are closer to the former:



Basically it's your typical shop bro's bar bike, only dipped in plating and wrapped in dead shit.



Sure, they look like nice enough frames, but you don't even get the satisfaction of waiting around for a world famous artisan who's in love with the smell of his own farts:


Nevertheless, if you're enamored of The Wheelman because you've always dreamed of a bike that looks like Ted Nugent is using it as a drying rack for his underpants, then for a similar effect I'd recommend purchasing a Linus and draping it in roadkill.  That way you'll have about $34,500 left over, which you can use to buy five (5) footballs:


WOODWARD 
GOLD CROCODILE FOOTBALL:

$6,250.00
The Woodward football is made to the official size and weight of professional American football standards.  It can be enjoyed as a prized showpiece or for a game of backyard football.

Each ball is hand cut, sewn and assembled in Detroit, Michigan, and can be embossed with the name, initials, or personal message of your choice. All of our animal skins are CITES certified, thus they are harvested in a sustainable and humane process. In addition, no chemical bi-products are used in the tanneries. 
ONLY 10 WOODWARD IN GOLD WILL BE MADE.
EACH BALL WILL BE ENGRAVED WITH ITS RESPECTIVE LIMITED EDITION NUMBER 1 THROUGH 10.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck do these people have against reptiles!?!

Yeah, I'm holding out for the golf balls covered in stem cells, but thanks anyway.

In other news, did you know that no-handed riding will enhance your mind-body connection?


Why is this?  Well, one reason is apparently that "now you have nearly 100% of all your weight on your root."

Yes, as you always suspected, intense scranial pressure is the path to enlightenment.

76 comments:

Dingbat said...

Podium!

wishiwasmerckx said...

First, bitches!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Well, I had it until I apparently cannot identify pictures of cars. Four captcha screens worth of them cost me the top step.

Ah, such is life...

Anonymous said...

On your right! Said fred

N/A said...

That is the foppiest of fop chariots.

A/N said...

That is the fappiest of fap chariots.

Hannibal Lecter said...

Can you please tell me more about this humane process by which you skin these animals?

Dan Newton said...

Those bikes are "Detroit Made, New York Crafted" - could you please visit where these bikes are "crafted"?

Anonymous said...

you can wrap my Brooks with your snake skin any time

N/A said...

I assume Made Right will be the NY distribution point for these ridiculous bikes.

Bryan Bracy said...

I ride no-handed for ethical purposes only.

Anonymous said...

The Pythons & Crocodiles need to unionize & kill these fucking assholes.

Too subtle?

Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale said...

Speak Russian? If yes then you too can join the Trump Family meeting with Russians in meetings that didn't take place.

Best Made accept no substitute condoms said...

Best Made snake skin condoms, curated in Brooklyn and made from locally sourced organic snake skin. Your babe will feel like it's a million little fingers urging her to let go. Available packed in maple syrup for Canadian visitors to Brooklyn.

Anonymous said...

'intense scranial pressure is the path to enlightenment'
If you said that out loud, one could easily think you were talking about standing on your head...

dancesonpedals said...

Here's to letting go....my daughter asked if her boyfriend could, "buy", one of my bikes, so he could ride the half mile from his home to the train station. He's getting the bike that started off life as a specialized Allez in 1994, and underwent a frame transplant (nashbar $100 cromo road frame) after the rear triangle snapped 2 years ago.

Shoot off the mud with a hose, give it a better rack, switch out the spds & it's his.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Top twenty anyways, SCRANUS!

Credit where Credit is Due said...

"...if you're enamored of The Wheelman because you've always dreamed of a bike that looks like Ted Nugent is using it as a drying rack for his underpants."

Stockholm, take notice. Next awards presented, in the name of Alfred, the guy who invented dynamite and other high explosives, will be Dec, 10th.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Respect the underpants, not the asshole that is occupying them. Now then, what the hell is a chemical by-product? Do they tan those humanely harvested CITE crocodile and python skins with only pure chemicals?

My Captcha asked me to select all bridges. 2 of them looked like overpasses to me.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the snake skins should be sourced from the invasive everglades anacondas.

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

BamaPhred said...

Oh Snob, I snorted coffee thru my nose: "I'm an American, and I wipe my ass with $100 bills" I think Russian oligarch would have worked well also. Crocodile condoms, Nice and knobby. I don't think my root will support 100% of my weight. An instant Snob classic.

Philip Bey said...

I see a conflict between the front light positioning and anything in the basket other than a stack of a half-dozen LPs.

Anonymous said...

$35K for a bike they mounted the lights on upside down? LOL!

Philip Bey said...

One more criticism, besides the fact there in no gold-plated Zefal on board, a closer look at the well-groomed hipster photo reveals a total disregard for proper tire pressure. He's probably dialing for help.

Anonymous said...

Unless you happen to be a vegan (in which case, my food shits on your food), the snarky "poor poor snakes and crockagators" comments seem wildly inappropriate.

And I really do wish you would seek professional help for your raging case of Trump Derangement Syndrome. He wasn't my choice either, but hearing folks wingeing day and night over "Russia Russia Russia", when clearly, there is no there there, is at best annoying, and at worst a distraction from real issues like the economy, helth care and national defense.

Not that I don't enjoy this blog, but I'll come around here for political commentary at about the same time I come to The Daily Caller for cycling articles.

#whatconspiracytheoryyourunning

Darwin said...

Are "bi-products those products that swing both ways?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:59pm,

So you'll be placing an order for the bike then?

--Wildcat Etc.

Grump said...

Snobby. You made the snide comment about out fearless leader "cutting-edge energy sources such as coal".......The True cutting-edge energy source is "old fashioned" wood. We need to start chopping yesterday, so that we can become energy independent......If it was good enough for our founding fathers, it should be good enough for the 21st century, damnit.

N/A said...

Hey everybody, Anonymous (if that's even his real name), is telling people what they should talk about! Listen to him... because...



DOP: Good on you, man. Must be an OK boy if you're letting him around a daughter and have one of your bikes.

Philip Bey said...

Sorry Anonymous, but slaughtered chickens float in a slurry consisting of many other chicken's fecal matter before packaging (you know, the way YOU see food), while pigs headed to slaughter carry fecal matter on their skin from other nearby pigs while being held in their retaintion cages, so more realistically, YOUR food DOES poop on YOUR food. And our courageous law makers slapped down a bill reducing the amount of udder pus (zit) in dairy products to save big dairy big $$$. Enjoy you lunch.

Piss Pissedofferson said...

Anon @12:59 - "there is no there there" That's what she said.

I'd tell you to go fuck yourself, but, given your lack of functional genitalia, that's clearly wouldn't be possible (geometric considerations notwithstanding).

The Candid Cyclist said...

For an extra $10,000 The Wheelman comes with a pressure butler that (with a 24 hour notice) will come and inflate your tires (or football) for the optimum pressure based on the expected atmospheric pressure, temperature, weather, rider weight and so forth. Because why trust an app. The benefit does come with a maximum yearly usage of 8 inflatings which is the maximum expected usage of such a bike.

Chazu said...

I was made in Detroit, and anyone can buy me for far fewer dollars than 35,000. Admittedly, I'm not wrapped in artisanal humane python, but that option is available for an upcharge.

Interesting how an anonymous troll on the internet knows that there is no there there.... unless... wait a minute! Robert Mueller, is that you lurking on Snob's blog?!

babble on said...

And of course, the traitor in chief is worried about pardoning himself from no there there.

The Hunt for Red October said...

Anom @ 12:59 "when clearly, there is no there there"

When the Trumpster's & Russia rumors first started the Trumpers denied there were any meetings. Now every week we find out about there having been yet another meeting. It's become a comedy routine, in a dark humor way. Everyone and their mother involved in the Trump campaign had to meet with people from one country. Nothing to see here, move on, go about your business.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Oh man, where to start!
Phrikkn Phil Bey beat me to it about the front light placement. Not that it really matters ... if you read the "spec sheet" it's like a vintage Schwinn/Union light? #whatlumenstheyrunnin? And who's going to actually use one of these things?

In addition, anyone check under their top tube pads for rust? Wrapping steel in a semi permeable animal skin is begging for rust ... JP Wiggle's frame saver or not.

Furthermore, 12:59 A Nony Mouse, I know better than to fan the flames of politicality in this blogation. You got off really light compared to a flogging I got a few months back! Great Again indeed ...

vsk

Mind the Dumbth said...

Murricans just keep getting dumber. We are currently dumber'n shit. Where is the bottom of this barrel?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

MSNBC viewers...


Stephen Cuomo said...

What, exactly, is Williamson "making in Detroit"? The text is all subterfugey, but it says the frame is/was made in Detroit by Detroit Bicycle Company. Someone somewhere dipped components in copper. Assembly is in NYC maybe? So DBC might weld up 30 frames for Williamson, and that is Williamson "making stuff", and putting Detroit back to work? Kinda like Shinola "making bikes in Detroit". Or is this just a parody of Shinola?

Oddly, Shinola ALSO have an upscale football. It's only $150, though.

BTW, it's hip to ride around on flat tires now. Haven't you heard, they "roll faster"?

If only there was more Karmic Retribution said...

Hopefully in the future the makers or buyers of the wheelman bike will have pythons wrapped around their necks.

Anonymous said...

All this expensive stuff made in Detroit. Who woulda thunk it?

Nothing to See Here, Move On Folks said...

Babble - And, he' s upset with his own hand picked Atty Gen because he recused himself, opening the door to Mueller being appointed and him in turn digging deep into the Trump-Russia connection. Upset to the point that it appears he may fire Sessions and appt a puppet who will in turn can Mueller.

Tom Brady said...

What pressure am I passing? Low.

Joe said...

Kinda serious commentary on a ridiculous bike: From what little I know about animal leathers, snake skin is the worst leather to use--it requires constant conditioning, dries out quickly, becomes brittle and fragile once dry, and doesn't hold up well to when it gets wet. Perhaps they let you substitute the artisanal leather of your choice for a small fee. Just something to consider when purchasing your $35,000 bike.

Bluezurich said...

Parseltongue Zwift update coming this Fall.

1904 Cadardi said...

$35,000 seems high for a bike made from Columbus SL. Not that there's anything wrong with SL, it's a fine tubing and can be built into a really nice bike, it's just that a heavier tubeset might be warranted for a bike that has to haul around $35,000 worth of bullshit.

In (non)-fake news:
If there's no there there then El Presidenté shouldn't have anything to hide and therefore can't object to an investigation.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

I took a few pictures of There. It's really Over There, but people shorten it.

Maybe I'll flog my @realvsk on the InstantGram... over here.

vsk

Anonymous said...

Flow rider dude needs to get a unicycle.

crosspalms said...

Recent bicycle headlines at Daily Caller:

Senior Magazine Editor Dies In DC After Getting Hit By Bicycle
Senior Citizen Busted Selling 'Deadly Cocktail' Of Heroin On A Bicycle
Taxpayers To Fund $3 Million 'Bicycle Information Center'
Former College Prof Arrested For Antifa Bike-Lock Attacks In Berkeley
'Bicycle Bandit' Found On DC Bus After 9 Hour
Swiss Madman Straps Rockets To Bicycle
Man On Oversized Bicycle Perfectly Trolls Reporter During Flood
Federal Agency Spends $50,000 On 'Elegant' Bicycle Shelters

I had to look those up, since I'm not a regular reader (I get my bullshit the old-fashioned way, by reading the tabloid headlines while waiting at the grocery checkout). But it's definitely inspiring stuff, I can see why anonymous is attracted to it.

babble on said...

@real...? A little hero worship?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Movin' to Montana soon gonna be a free range python farmin' tycoon.

Nice touch having a martini shaker on the stem.

Rodney King said...

"Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?…It’s just not right. It’s not right.”

Well, no, we can't, because the crew now in the White House is all in favor of making it horrible for older people and kids. Just so long as the wealthy get a 224 billion tax cut out of the Medicaid cuts.

Dooth said...

Did someone quote Gertrude Stein to defend Trump? Bwahaha!!!
He's been a laugh-out-loud riot so far (too keep from crying).

Very Slim Pickens said...

Crosspalms, the one I love is:

"Swiss Madman Straps Rockets To Bicycle"

PS: $50,000 on an elegant bike shelter; as gov't project spending goes, it sounds like a bargain. They must have only built one.

Anonymous said...

None of my bikes have hands.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Hahaha, Ms. Babble, ... only a little shamless self promotion.


Spokey said...

i don' tknow. 35K?

i currently have 3 bieks. all were bilt in 'mericer. 2 newest custom builds. grand total less than 10K (~ 1k, 3k, & 4K). but only the first one had those nice toe straps. had to buy me own pedals for the other two.

come to think of it, i haven't spent 35 grand on a car yet. my datusn 260Z and nissan 300ZX convertible did add up to about that.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

There's no there there, but SCROTUS says there is a "Red Line" that Robert Mueller can't cross. Because looking into Hair Furor's finances would likely show that when he doubled his money buying the other Palm Beach estate for $50 million American Fun Tickets and selling it to a Russian for almost double a year or so later, he also paid a shit ton of his profit back to said Russian buyer as a money laundering kickback. Or that his loans from the no-name banks in Philadelphia and New Jersey are sleeved loans from Russians.

leroy said...

Well honestly, I know exactly how Mr. Anonymous &12:59 feels.

Imagine my disappointment when Mr. Look Ma, No Hands' video didn't have a Flo Rida soundtrack.

I'll have to look elsewhere for paeans to Shawty getting low, low, low, low, low, low, low.

As for Mr. vsk's observation about flogging, I recall it was administered by Ms. Babble and, in keeping with today's theme, Mr. vsk's complaints are obviously crocodile tears.

Fun Fact said...

Snobby the Russia Truther is letting politics spill over into his blog again.

Meanwhile, Trump just ended US (neocon/neolib) support for ISIS/Al-Quaida in Syria.

Still has bad hair tho, right? Resist!*




*Resist is a registered trademark of PepsiCo.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Fun Fact,

In 10 years of blogging I've made jokes about pretty much everything and nobody gets buttocks-hurt like Christians and Trumpies.

--Wildcat Etc.

rural 14 said...

Ant 2nd!
Does said 35k pythonskin bike come with shoes too pointy + hair oil? Another instance of 'don't do this' becoming aspirational. Like Real Housewives of wherever...originally for mockery, now for emulation. Ouch.

Anonymous said...

Are we sure we're on the good side of the wall?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Recumbabe is my there there.

Anonymous said...

speaking of Christians, do you think Mike Pence's god will forgive him for letting Dirty Donny use his chin as a ball rest? You know how the big G feels about homosexuals.

Anonymous said...

I really would be completely shocked a single one of those $35k bikes gets purchased. But then again I was shocked when 60MM of my fellow americans voted for trump. You can never underestimate the intelligence of the American public.

67 says said...

68

BamaPhred said...

The coveted 69 podium.

McFly said...

BP,

No podium in 69.....everyone is a winner.

BamaPhred said...

True, and I bruised my root, Flo ridin'.
A Snob needs to drop to put an end to the low humor.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Hahaha! Sr. Leroy ... I have no complaints nor croc tears. I wanted to spare the blog any more multi multi paragraphed sand paper in the eyes floggings!!

It's funny how lefties were all red star commie party types, ... until someone on the right wins an election, now all of a sudden the rooskies are the real bad guys. I guess if you like your new WW3, you can keep your new WW3. Only thing is the radioactive fallout goes into my air too.

Sr. BikeSnobNYC, I was actually butthurt that someone could dip a BikesDirect(style) frame in some snake oil and look for $35K, ... that's the real audacity of hope.

Maybe if The Wall actually gets built, Danny McAskill can ride it.

... was only looking to acquire more likes for my instant gram pictures @realvsk. Shameless self promotion via the Snobosphere!

vsk

BamaPhred said...

If I flogged my @realbamaphred I would be arrested, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Bryan Bracy said...

hahahahaha

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Extra late to the old rodeo.

Priceless innernet gold from BamaPhred !!


vsk

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