Thursday, June 22, 2017

What Mircobes You Running?

Before anything else, I've been meaning to mention this for the last few days:


Apologies for my tardiness.

However, the festival runs through the 25th, and you've still got time to get in on this tonight:


I would totally go see this tonight if I could:

A Sunday In Hell Trailer Amedeo and Simone Pace Score (Blonde Redhead) from Bicycle Film Festival on Vimeo.

But I can't, so I'm not.

Moving on, a number of people have forwarded me this, so now I'm subjecting you to it:

To be a professional cyclist, one must have guts, microbiologist Lauren Peterson says, and she doesn’t just mean that in the metaphorical sense. Peterson, herself a pro endurance mountain biker, has theorized that elite cyclists have a certain microbiome living in their intestines that may allow them to perform better, and if you don’t have it, well, there may soon be a way to get it. . . .

Oh yeah, this is going exactly where you hoped it wouldn't:

Peterson hosts Prevotella in her gut, thanks to a fecal transplant she administered herself three years ago. Her donor? Another elite athlete.

So how do you pull off an amateur fecal transplant with a fellow athlete?  I just assumed you'd go butt-to-butt, but in fact what you do is you perform a "reverse enema:"

But through chance, she came across a donor, an elite long-distance racer, who had his microbiome mapped and screened after a case of food poisoning, which showed he was otherwise healthy. So Peterson took antibiotics to wipe out her own gut bacteria and essentially performed a reverse enema.

“I just did it at home,” she said of the February 2014 procedure. “It’s not fun, but it’s pretty basic.”

Incidentally, "Reverse Enema" is also the name of my pop punk band, and that's exactly how Brooklyn Vegan reviewed our first album:


Anyway, the story leaves certain questions unanswered (chief among them being #whatpressureyourunning on that reverse enema), but results are results:

Within a month, Peterson said, she began feeling better than she’d felt in years. She said before her transplant she was having trouble just training on her bike; just months later, she said she began winning pro races.

Of course, there is no way to prove the fecal transplant, opposed to other changes she may have made in her lifestyle or even the placebo effect, was the cause for her rebound.

And sure, it's all too easy to laugh at stuff like poop and enemas (in fact I'm laughing even as I type this), but keep in mind this is someone who's been suffering from the effects of Lyme disease, which can be debilitating, and if this relieved those symptoms then that's no joke.

Still, my concern is that fecal transplants and reverse enemas will fall into the wrong hands.  Yeah, you know which hands I'm talking about: Fred hands.  Freds are like North Korea in that if you allow them access to any sort of technology or information they'll turn around and use it against society.  (To wit: Strava, power meters, Zwift, the list goes on.)  Given this, all it takes is for one Fred to read that certain intestinal microbiomes are performance-enhancing and before you know it they're all sticking tubeless sealant injectors up their ass before races:


Which means doctors are going to be seeing a lot of this:


Don't think this is dangerous?  Well consider which publication broke the story in the first place:


Bicycling is the Fred bible, and not only do they name all the performance-enhancing microbes:

In addition to Prevotella, Petersen has identified an archeon named Methanobrevibacter smithii, or M. smithii, which she believes is also significant. Archeon are ancient microorganisms that have managed to survive for millions of years in hostile habitats like sulfur springs and deep in the ocean. They also live in the human digestive system, where they have specialized functions. Like Prevotella, Elite cyclists often have M. smithii, but it’s less common in amateur racers. That’s significant because M. smithii also appears to be a performance-enhancing microbe.

But they even mention carbon!

What does it do? In science terms, it thrives on hydrogen and carbon dioxide and other bacterial waste products in the gut. In 12-year old boy terms, M. smithii eats the poop of bacteria. Yes, everybody poops, even bacteria, and it can have detrimental effects on your health. Namely: buildups of hydrogen and carbon dioxide can prevent the other bacteria in your gut from properly breaking down your food for fuel, which is bad news if you need calories for that sprint.

Performance enhancing and carbon?  That squirting sound you hear is a thousand self-administered reverse enemas.

But of course like any other cutting-edge Fred tech you pay a high price for being an early adopter:

“What we’re learning is going to change a lot for cyclists as well as the rest of the population,” says Petersen. “If you get tested and you’re missing something, maybe in three years you’ll be able to get it through a pill instead of a fecal transplant. We’ve got data that no one has ever seen before, and we’re learning a lot. And I think I can say with confidence that bacterial doping— call it poop doping, if you must— is coming soon.”

Shoulda waited for the pill.

44 comments:

ken e. said...

whoa! gut flora for the win

Unknown said...

Perverse enema

Anonymous said...

Smelly Mel's Plumbing supply

Seattle lone wolf said...

Third scranus?

Seattle lone wolf said...

Damn, just off the poodium.

N/A said...

I actually read an article a couple of years ago about the big money from selling your craps to help people that have real troubles with their gut microbes. Honestly, I feel like not discussing making a living by taking dumps is a big FAIL for my guidance counselor in school. It's the job I was born to do.

"How was your day at work, honey?"
"Shitty." "It stunk." "The shit really hit the fan."

bad boy of the sooth said...

Boy, that's why I like reading this blog.you get the straight poop.where else are you going to get that?

N/A said...

The fact that Freds are going to pay to get a pail* of somebody else's shit to stuff up their own ass is just filling me with mirth right now. Honestly, I hope it takes off as the next big thing.





*I'm not really sure on how one is supposed to import medicinal fecal materials. I can only assume it's in large pickle buckets like they have at the deli.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Still top 10rd!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

So, what will this process be named? I'm voting for the name Hot Fred!

Anonymous said...

+100! Great comment. Had me laughing and sharing with some friends.

McFly said...

2 Girls/ 1 Cup

dop said...

This sounds like the 'stool transplants' given to restore normal flora to patients with C. difficile colitis.

I used a sharpie to note on my drivers license that I'm a stool donor.

Anonymous said...

POOP DOPE
SHIT FUCK

janinedm said...

I have a couple of clients working in the microbiome space. The bad news, hidden by the way the article is written, is that the pill will still probably have to go up your butt. No one has figured out how to make a pill that can safely navigate your digestive system & deliver the desired bacteria to your gut...

In happier news, the LBS didn't have my usual so I put Conti Grand Prix 4 season tires on my Raleigh (I hate trying new things) and I love it. You never realize how much grip you didn't have until you try something new.

John D said...

Why is it a reverse enema? Isn't it just a regular one?

The King of Park Slope said...

BUTT HURT

1904 Cadardi said...

So the man goes back to the doctor and says "These giant pills you gave me aren't doing anything, I might as well be shoving them up my ass."



janinedm: I've been riding the Gran Prix 4 Seasons for years after my LBS didn't have my usual Conti in stock. Been riding them ever since. They don't wear quite as well as some of the other Continental tires, but they ride nice and grip better, especially in cold weather.

Mr Hanky said...

MIT has a stool bank. No shit. Saw it in the wickingpedia.

Fred Fredriksen said...

They could freeze the stool and then insert it in rectum. Some call it the "Icy Mike."

McFly said...

I was on a pool jet the other day and accidently shot some water into my corn hole.

I liked it....does that mean I'm gay?

anon e mouse said...

What, no Cipollini jokes yet? Sorry can't think of any myself, so many possibilities I'm having a log jam. Wait, was that one?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Ask any professional cyclist, they just don't give a shit...


vsk

Anonymous said...

can't be much more different than a silver bullet.

Grump said...

Reverse Enema sounds like the name of a Death Metal band, not a Pop one.

Freddy Murcks said...

Butt-to-butt for a DIY fecal transplant, like in the horrifying climax of "Requiem for a Dream."

janinedm said...

You know, Freddy, I was elsewhere on the net (trying to run out the clock on this day) when I realized that no one, including me, had made a Requiem for a Dream joke, so I came back. And what do I find? I can't honestly say good work because I don't know if good's the right word, so I'm going to go with I see what you did there.

Silence Now a Days from North of the Border said...

Janine, the new Babble, having used the words "hottie" (or hot) and "juicy" in the last couple of days.

Freddy Murcks said...

Janine - It's easily one of the saddest, most debased movie endings I have ever seen, so I would not necessarily say good work either. It's a great movie, but the ending is absolutely horrifying. I am glad I am not a heroin addict.

That scene did immediately pop into my head when I read 'butt-to-butt,' so what else could I do? I was going to try and find a youtube clip of that scene and post it with my response, but I doubt that my employer would look kindly on me viewing that at work.

Anonymous said...

If we’re all going to be shoving payloads of poop up our butts, they may as well vibrate. I feel a Kickstarter coming on....

Anonymous said...

I watched Requiem for a Dream for the first time in Portland at the Laurelhurst not long after it first came out. A couple of dudes sitting front row were cheering and laughing the whole way through as if it were a buddy comedy genre film. (They hopped on fixies after the show to get high, and do some ass to ass... I presume....not that theres anything wrong with that). Finding that movie funny is pretty gross though. But i cant really talk. I laughed when i first saw Grizzly Man. And The Shining is my all time favorite comedy.

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

Anonymous said...

Now if I can only figure out where Tom Dumoulin had his pit stop on the Giro....

bieks said...

Your shitty blog is full of shit.

McFly said...

Best Cycling Movie ever it's gonna be I tells ya.

McFly said...

"This is a sport with hundreds of dollars on the line, dozens of fans....stakes are medium."-- Jeff Goldblum

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Freds lined up like a human centipede for intestinal flora transplants

boys on the hoods said...

I will never be able to look at a tube of "Stans" the same again.

leroy said...

My dog has something he'd like to share.

Chazu said...

I read this while eating lunch.

The Donald said...

Aced the quiz this morning without it even having been posted

doug81280 said...

Pfft. Poop doping is as old as cycling itself. Why do you think Brooks are brown?

Unknown said...

I believe the 12 year old explanation for this procedure is "trans-poo-sion"

شركة تنظيف said...

شركة الصفرات للتنظيف بالرياض
شركة تنظيف منازل براس تنورة
شركة تسليك مجارى براس تنورة