...and we're back!

Last Friday I updated you on my relationship with the Coros LINX "smart helmet:"

In particular, I mentioned I still could not get the "emergency contact" feature to work, which prompted at least one commenter to point out that a certain popular ride-tracking application will now inform up to three "safety contacts" of your whereabouts in real time:

Beacon shares your location via a text message that contains a simple URL. Any athlete with an iPhone or Android can use it, and any safety contact with a mobile phone and an internet connection can watch your back. Loved ones can quickly tell the difference between “running a little late” and “stuck on the side of the road,” and you can go for big adventures with the confidence that someone out there knows where you are.

Of course, if you forget to turn this feature off then loved ones can also quickly tell the difference between "going on an epic ride" and "having an adulterous liaison with a neighbor."  However, this is largely theoretical, as the chances of a Fred or Frederica cheating on you are virtually zero for the following reasons:

1) No cyclist would use a ride as an alibi for an affair because no cyclist would forego a ride for sex;
2) Even if they did use a ride as an alibi for sex, the cyclist's spouse or partner would see right through the ruse when the cyclist failed to go on and on about the mind-numbing minutiae of the ride for the rest of the day;
3) No cyclist could possibly muster up the energy or desire to start an affair in the first place since cyclists have no energy or desire to do anything that's not riding a bike;
4) Cyclists can barely conceal their upgrade purchases from their partners so there's no way they could also hide the cost of cocktails, dinners, and hotel rooms;
5) Nobody would ever have an affair with a cyclist anyway because cyclists are the most boring people on earth (see 1-4 above).

With regard to #5, if you're wondering how cyclists get into relationships at all, it's because their partners correctly identified them as low flight risks.  Sure, life with a cyclist is drudgery, but at least they're predictable--the exception being professional cyclists, who have more in common with musicians than with their Fredly counterparts:

Though even the pros are comparatively boring.  Consider Mario Cipollini, whose image as a Lothario is almost certainly a media construct of his own devise.  Seriously, there's no way somebody who doped that much could possibly have functioning genitals:

("Is true. 'Cipollini' mean 'small onions.'  Think about it.")

Anyway, all of this is a roundabout way of saying that the Coros helmet doesn't seem to do anything any other product doesn't already do better, including but not limited to: being comfortable; playing music; and telling your loved ones you just died.

Given this, my advice to would-be bike entrepreneurs would be to avoid trying to use technology in order to reinvent the wheel.  (Or the helmet, as the case may be.)  Instead, imbue your product with the elegance and simplicity of the bicycle itself--like this thing, which is basically just a friggin' sack:




Some of the unique features of the Bicycle Porter include:

• It's fit to the saddle using an innovative design
• The fabric stitch pattern around the frame
• The super light weight design
• Excellent aerodynamic performance because of its position behind the rider

Yes, aerodynamics is the first thing I think about when I look at this, and it's also the primary concern of the sorts of people who need to ride while carrying an entire bag of potato chips:

Though I do admit it would be perfect for a visit to Floyd's marijuana dispensary.

It would also look great with my Victorian bathing tent:

Nothing like waxing your handlebar mustache and pedaling your pennyfarthing out to Rockaway for a day at the seaside.

Lastly, no cyclists in the world have had it tougher than our siblings in New South Wales, Australia.  Stratospheric helmet fines, assaults, exploding smartphones... But now it seems that at long last they stricken a blow for freedom, as they have finally won the right to stand up while pedaling uphill:

(Via Peter)

In a list of amendments to various road rules, Transport for NSW said it was changing number 245 in order to clarify "that bicycle riders are allowed to stand on the pedals facing forward, for example while riding uphill".

It now reads that a rider must "be astride the rider's seat facing forwards", in what a Transport for NSW spokesperson told me was "a common sense change designed to make the rule clearer for riders".

This is great news for the scranuses and vulvanuses of New South Wales, and it's only a matter of time before they'll also be legally allowed to remove one (1) hand from the handlebars in order to take a drink from a water bottle.